Tourette's Mom

So Why Is It . . .

2011-11-19T09:37:00.002-06:00

So why is it that, when you wear a shirt you think makes you a bit washed out and/or dumpy, everyone you run into tells you that shirt is PERFECT for you! And then you put on a shirt that makes you feel totally gorgeous and NOBODY says a THING?!!

Kind of like when you feel bloated, people ask, "Did you lose weight?" And when you think you've actually lost some size, no one says a thing.

Just something I'm pondering right now as I wear my cute top and prepare to hit the grocery store.

Dear God . . .

2011-10-31T23:24:00.004-05:00

Dear God,

Thank you SO much for protecting me tonight on the highway. Thank you for the accident being minor. Thank you that the kids weren't in the car with me. Thank you that all 3 of us walked away unhurt. Thank you that we all drove our cars away. Thank you for the calm and kindness you put in all of us as we exchanged information.

(And thank you for sending two of the cutest motorcycle cops to deal with it!!)

I love you.

In Jesus' name,
ME

Rocktober Fifth

2011-10-05T21:14:00.002-05:00

Today, one of my awesome church families welcomed their 2nd child into the world. He's perfect (like his big sister) and wonderful. I can't wait to meet him.

Today, a young mother of two young boys was suddenly widowed after her husband had emergency heart surgery. I can't stop thinking of them. Which makes me pray. Hard.

Today, the world lost a technology and corporate visionary at the way-too-young age of 56. I've never met Steve Jobs. But oddly feel saddened by his passing on many levels. Not sure why.

Today was the first full day of freedom for a man who served 25 yrs in jail for a crime he didn't commit. I've been thinking about how wonderful and strange it must be for him and his family.

Today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. That one leaves me less sad than just thoughtful. It stopped really hurting a couple of years ago. But it never passes unnoticed.

Updates on the Sermon Thingy

2011-09-09T20:08:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all the prayers and support about my sermon/lesson/talking-thing. It went swimmingly! God totally rocked the calm and just flowed the words. I'm pretty outgoing and good at faking confidence. But I know how nervous I feel when I speak in public. Especially speaking to people I have to deal with, you know? It's not like a bunch of strangers you can say goodbye to and never see again!

But God rocked peace and calm and a steady voice. I was worried I'd just stare at my notes and read them. But I was speaking on something I feel very passionately about. And God just kept the right subjects coming at the right time.

I spoke on tithing. Not exactly people's most favorite subject! I was worried I wouldn't have enough material. Apparently, I spoke for over an hour. Not surprising if you know me. But I guess I made sense and kept people's attention (except a few nodders - I saw yah!). I got a lot of feedback afterward from people saying I really spoke to them or gave them something to think about.

It was SO fun! I'm SO thankful to God for just making it go so well. I'm hoping he gives me more opportunities to speak. Because I know he's given me a bunch of other subjects that are always flying around my head!

There's A Reason God Made Me Yappy

2011-08-24T21:42:00.005-05:00

I have had this vision since probably high school or college days. Which is way back before the interwebz, kids. I have seen myself talking to large crowds. It makes sense. I'm a yapper. A rambler. A story teller. I never shut up. Even on here, I can rarely post a single paragraph. That Six Word Saturday? Yah, impossible.

But you know, if God makes you yappy, you're probably supposed to be talkin'. Unfortunately, for years, I have just talked. Thankfully, God seems to be putting tons of stories and lessons and messages in my head. I think I will do much better if I let THOSE come out.

This Sunday, I will be giving the lesson at my church. We've been having our 4 main leaders rotate in speaking while between pastors. And God kept reminding me of things in my head. I recently asked him to give me opportunities for public speaking. I wasn't sure what it would look like but just bring them.

Oh it's been brought-en!

I'll probably breathe in too much, forgetting to exhale. That'll be the battle for the first 5 minutes or so. I will battle the urge to interject bad jokes. But mostly, I will just ask God to get the right words that he wants people to hear to come out of my yappy story telling mouth.

On a funny note: I have 12 pages of notes to edit at the moment. So far, 8 of those pages are examples of God rocking the financial blessings from this very blog. I have so many examples of his miracles on here, it was hard to keep it to only those!!!

Rock on, God!

Quick Update For The 3 Of You That Keep Stopping By

2011-07-22T20:37:00.002-05:00

TheBoy: I've noticed some eye tics. Excessive eye rolling, a little exaggerated blinking. I've noticed some stammering when he's talking. Kind of repeating partial phrases before getting it all out. I'm chalking it up to all the late summer nights and early summer mornings. I'm not concerned.

TheBoy will start middle school this year. This area of Texas has 6th grade in middle school. I think we're both a little nervous about that. But again, I know God will rock the awesome teachers like he always does.

Work: My work just had the 2nd round of layoffs last week. It was rough. I made the cut but you watch others get cut and it's just a stanky week all around. So now we are hugely depleted in terms of staff. And we still have the same amount of work. My team lost one very key person. She has TONS of knowledge and her personality is the one we all tended to rally around. She made the killer cupcakes and brought the team love. That was a painful cut. I'm happy to be friends with her separate from work. But it's very weird not to see her every day. *sigh*

Church: Our transition from pastors Kenny & Michelle to our new pastors is bumpy. The new pastors aren't in our state yet. We pray for God to rock the provision to get them here. But so far, it's not happening. I don't know if this is one of those times we'll learn to wait well or if this is God saying this is not what he has planned. Either way, I'll wait well for whatever he brings.

The transition from where I stand is not easy - on many levels. They never are. I am standing in my skin trying to figure out where to shut up and just unconditionally support and when to stand up and say, this is a problem. That has always been a battle for me. So I pray. And hope for God to show the way. I feel a need to speak up. So finding the right way to do so will be my next task.

Update on the Tourette's

2011-06-16T21:56:00.004-05:00

A quick note to answer another wonderful TS mom, Andrea.

Yes, Andrea. I consider the TS gone. I didn't for a long time. BigBro has considered it gone for quite a while. I haven't seen a tic in, I can't even remember. His anxiety is such a non-issue, I would consider it gone, too. He will have moments of worry now and then but they seem very normal and appropriate for his age. So I'm calling that gone.

The thing I've been seeing lately is a severe distractibilty. Is that a word? I recently caught a piece of a PBS documentary on adult ADD. So many of the stories reminded me of adults in my life. I imagine many of us are running around with ADD and have no idea. I kind of think that's a good thing. But BigBro has been just off the charts distracted lately. And when I saw that PBS show with stories of adults that sounded just like him, I've been wondering. When he was diagnosed back at the age of 6 (4.5 yrs ago), she ruled out ADHD. So not sure.

I'm not a huge fan of the over use of ADD in the pediatric diagnosis world. So I'm not running to a doctor to say, Hey, do you think he has ADD? The documentary also pointed out that most ADD adults are also the ones on the creative cutting edge. They are the boundary-less cliff jumpers, of sorts. They said, most of the amazing progress in the world wasn't done by the people who stayed safely away from the edge of the cliff. BigBro is crazy creative and does many things outside the box. I'd rather leave him there. He's not unhappy. He is still unaware of any weird looks he may get. He has a good number of solid friends that I think are on their way to being amazing people.

He still has fuzzy social boundaries. But for every kid that walks away, there are about 3 that stay.

So yes, I will claim it as one of the many miracles God has done for this boy - starting from in the womb. I know God has put him here for something big. I've seen BigBro already affecting people's lives with God's love. And that may be the something big. I'll take it!

Thanks for asking, Andrea!

ODE TO POETS AND POEMS - by BigBro

2011-06-03T21:33:00.003-05:00

What is the point of this poem so bland?
Or is it rather the look of the land
around it, that envelops its beauty sincere
that is plain around the heart of happiness and tears?
Poets are artists, and are mostly true.
But those who write fiction will still never do
less than the ones who write truth at its greatest
nor will ones that came first be worse than the latest.
Need I say more? I may not, but i will.
For the epics and beauty of poems give thrill!
Happiness emitted. Inducing tears.
All for the beautiful and sincere!
Happiness to villains. Tears of joy.
Poems are not just readable toys;
They are works of art that can't be beaten
as good as grass to be grown and ham to be eaten!
And on that happy note, i hereby will finish
my ode. And as the memories diminish
Always see that to the heart, poems are true
and anything that is not will just never do.
________

BigBro reading Calvin & Hobbes at our favorite pizza joint.

Transitions

2011-05-22T20:05:00.003-05:00

Our church is about to hit a big transition. Our head pastors, Kenny & Michelle, are moving out to California to attend an amazing school for three years. I'm so excited for them! There is a part of me that wants to go to this school. If my boys end up choosing this school for their college years, I will be over the moon!

The new pastors are not set in stone yet. We are pretty sure we know who it will be but God has to rock some pretty big miracles to get them here.

When churches change pastors, they change many members. A lot of people visit a church and connect to something there. Very often, it's the pastor. In my case, I joined this church back in 2005. A little over a year later, the head pastors moved to southern California to pastor a larger church there. That's when Kenny & Michelle took over. Our membership morphed for a while. But we eventually hit our stride (or at least, I think we did).

Many of my church friends are very connected to Kenny & Michelle. I am, too. So I'm praying hard for my church. That God do what's best and help people to keep their hearts and minds open to the new pastors and their style.

I'm oddly mellow about this. I haven't cried over this yet. And there have been quite a few tears. I think my history of moving probably helps. As an IBM Brat, I moved something close to 8 times by the time I was 13. I know the reality of relationships. They come and go with life changes and seasons. I know my true friends are just that, no matter how much distance is between us. Those true friends are there for me no matter how often we see each other.

So the thought of Kenny & Michelle leaving to follow God's calling is exciting to me. I envy people who clearly hear from God to pick up and do something specific. I know I will see them again when they visit their family still in this area. I know I will haunt them on Facebook.

Today was Kenny's 2nd to last time preaching. As he spoke, I was hit with a momentary pit in the stomach. I think there will be a sense of loss I'm not quite understanding at the moment. I had trouble listening to his message. I thought how far we had come. In 2007, when he started speaking, he was rough and nervous. Now, he speaks easily, straight from the heart. He shares from his life, being extremely honest about his early days, before Jesus had his heart. He talks very candidly about how he used to be. Everyone can relate to imperfection and we love that he can relate to our imperfections. He never pretends to be oh-so-perfect. He is welcoming and is the first to admit that he's flawed just like anyone else.

In 2007, they had just announced he would become the new head pastor and my marriage imploded. The poor guy was barely in his new role and I was all, "Hey, I'm having a huge life crisis and think my head is going to explode. Can you help?" Kenny and Michelle walked with me through that journey. Sometimes, counseling me. Sometimes, Michelle just sitting there as I sat on her bedroom floor, bawling, thoughts tumbling jumbled from my mouth. I have no idea how they found the strength to handle it all. Learning how to pastor a church and me in crisis mode every time I saw them. I doubt that's how they think of it. But I look back on that time - I was so needy. I couldn't see beyond my own swirling misery. I had nothing to give - only desperately draining whatever I could out of all around me.

Kenny also had a heart for The Ex. I could tell he truly loved The Ex, whether I was mid-hate or wrestling with feelings of vengeance or forgiveness. He never stopped praying for The Ex. It was hard to take during the times I wanted God to punt The Ex to Pluto. But in my more lucid moments, I thanked God that someone had the heart to truly pray for The Ex.

Kenny and Michelle have always been champions of my little fractured family. Kenny was one of the men in my church that recognized the need my boys had for a reassuring word from a man. These wonderful men in my church took my boys under their collective wings. Kenny always had a hug for them. If the boys asked him things, he always made time - talking to them like they were the only ones in the room. Once, Kenny was going to give his testimony as the message. At the time, BigBro was really wrestling with anger about the divorce. Kenny invited BigBro to stay for the service instead of going to kids' class. BigBro stayed and listened to EVERY word. Kenny shared his experience as a child of divorce. I still think that stays in BigBro's head.

Once, when BigBro was very upset and worried about something spiritual - I can't recall what - I think it was heaven - I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do. I called Michelle and asked if she would talk to BigBro. She did. At length. I'm not sure what all she told him. But when they hung up, BigBro was at peace.

Kenny & Michelle have baptized both of my boys. I had always warned Kenny that I expected him to perform my next marriage and had joked that it was up to Kenny to find me my groom!

The Ex joins us at church very frequently because of his strong connection to many of our church friends. When I told him Kenny & Michelle were leaving, it hurt. He had just returned to Texas and had very few friends. Kenny & Michelle - he knew - were true friends. So he was loath to lose them.

Kenny & Michelle walked with me in my journey from utter desolation to being a strong God Girl. They have encouraged me, called me to the mat on certain things, gently corrected me, joked with me, been examples of selfless service, pointed out my strengths when I couldn't see them. There are many times in my day to day life when I'm at a decision point. At some of these times, I pause and think, "What would [so-and-so] do here?" God has blessed me with many fine examples to put in that [so-and-so] bracket. Kenny & Michelle are often inserted there.

It will be hard to let them go. Selfishly, I want them here. But I will send them off with blessings. And will cheer them on as God takes them into their next season.

I love you, Kenny & Michelle.

Lil'Bro Gets Baptized!

2011-05-15T21:55:00.011-05:00

Can I get an AMEN?! Woo hoo!

Both of my boys have an amazing faith. It blows my mind the kinds of questions they ask and topics they discuss. At their ages (7 & 10), I believed. But I'm not sure I understood the whole relationship with God thing. The church I grew up in never taught us about that. Or if they did, I didn't get it.

My boys get it. So when Lil'Bro said he wanted to get baptized, absolutely! Woo hoo!

This is especially sweet because it will be the last month our head pastors are with us. Both of my boys got baptized by pastors Michelle & Kenny. I know the who doesn't matter. But I'm glad for it anyway.

If you look back to BigBro's baptism in Sept 2009, you'll see a bit of difference in my two boys. BigBro took some coaxing (he had just learned how to go fully under water). Lil'Bro jumped right in!

The Ex, my parents, my BigSis and her TallGuy were all in attendance. I didn't get to snap a picture with my parents. DOH!

Enjoy the pix!

Lil'Bro, TM, HM & RM all contemplate the trough as pastor Kenny talks.

Kenny asked who wanted to go first. After a small pause, Lil'Bro climbed right in!

Kenny asking Lil'Bro if he accepts Jesus as his savior. And you know he DOES!

Lil'Bro wanted to do it himself. After 2 attempts, he successfully fully dunked.

A fully baptized Lil'Bro!

Pastors Michelle & Kenny. Love these guys!

Lil'Bro with a proud uncle TallGuy and aunt BigSis!

Mother's Day Approacheth

2011-05-05T09:04:00.003-05:00

I'm going to point you to my post from last year. It gives lots of ideas for finding a mom in your life who needs a little doting.

Last year, I posted this because the plight of moms doing it all was heavy on my heart. Not just because I'm a single mom. But because of all the moms I know. One of my dear friends delivered flowers to my doorstep with a note signed by my boys. I thought that was so sweet. She is a dear!

This year, the boys' dad is back in town. Last weekend, he took the boys shopping for Mother's Day. So I know I have surprises in store.

This year, my mom is not feeling well. Allergies in this area can lay you low for months. So I'm trying to figure out what she needs.

I hope all of you mothers have a wonderful day this weekend. You deserve it!

Deep Thoughts

2011-05-02T12:10:00.003-05:00

Topics of lengthy discussion lately with my boys (in no particular order):

Bin Laden's death and why I'm not jumping around chanting "USA! USA!"

Who did Cain marry?

Big Bang vs Genesis Creation.

The "forever" aspect of heaven.

Will heaven be a physical place?

Grace & forgiveness.

Always tell God your greatest desires - even if you think they're impossible.

Step dads (on many levels).
- What if I marry someone they don't like?
- What if I marry someone who doesn't like them?

It's hard to believe in God when you can't see/touch him.

Baptism.

These guys keep me on my toes.

Zoinks!

2011-03-10T21:44:00.003-06:00

I'm starting a small group/bible study type thing, y'all. If you knew me any time before 2005, you'd know how amusing and cool this is.

I'm excited because it came out of a long time desire of mine to do something like this but only because of a Facebook post from a friend that said something like, "I need to find a bible study." I wrote back "If you're serious, let's do this!" So she and I kind of spurred this idea on. I sent out an email to my local peeps. Which is nerve wracking. Have you ever been invited to a bible study? I have. Many times. Most of these invitations never seemed inviting. They seemed more like "I dare you to say no, sinner." Well, they probably didn't have anything like that in their intention. But I've always perceived them that way. In the past, I mean.

Anyway, I was nervous because I can't stand holy rollers knocking on my door on Saturday mornings. I don't like snotty tight-backed people inviting me to a bible study or whatever. I used to hate them (bible studies, I mean). And this was back when I was attending a Christian college and supposedly on track with God. Gah. Hated this kind of stuff.

So asking people to join a small group/bible study is not my thing. I figure, well, put out the invite. Let God do the rest. I asked God to make sure the right people got here.

Surprisingly (or not so surprisingly), I got a lot of yes replies! Which is even more horrifying on a completely DIFFERENT level. I have to pick up the vomitous cornucopia of toys that is my downstairs!!

I'm psyched. Especially because this isn't associated to one church or denomination. We'll see who God brings in. It's an open format so I think the attendees will pretty much drive the direction God takes us.

WOO HOO!!!

Happy Birthday, Texas

2011-03-02T15:35:00.003-06:00

Today is Texas Independence Day. I only know this because I work for a state agency that gives this as a skeleton crew day. I'll take any crazy holiday they want to give me. Time off is why I love working for the state!

This morning, BigBro saw me updating my Facebook status to say "Happy Birthday, Texas. You're lookin' good for 175!"

BigBro: "175? Texas isn't its own country anymore, you know."
Me: "Don't tell a TEXAN that!"

Happy Birthday, Texas. Glad to know yah.

Blitzkrieg Update

2011-02-27T19:16:00.002-06:00

I survived a week of layoffs at my company. This is round one of more to come. We expect more in June or July. There were many casualties. One of which is one of my two best friends at work. So that was rough. Fortunately, I know she counts on God in life. So once the initial shock wears off, I know she knows he's got her back.

My life is blessed. Not just dodging the layoff bullet. God's just got me feeling very peaceful and blessed. The imperfect me will try to unseat that feeling periodically. Fortunately, God is stronger than my wobbles.

Not much else to report. Very tired. Working each day, waiting to see who gets escorted from the building - it's oddly exhausting.

God rocks.

Valentine's Weekend

2011-02-12T14:13:00.007-06:00

I'm having a crap day - emotionally. Physically, it's sunny and gorgeous here. My distaste for Valentine's is attempting to derail me and doing a damned fine job.

This picture by Stacy Reed (lovingly borrowed from She Dreams in Digital) sums up my sentiments for today:

I paid all my bills this morning. I filed my tax return and saw a nice refund amount. But I also screamed at The Ex on the phone earlier when he was almost an hour late to pick up the boys. I think the dark cloud that is attempting to represent my soul at the moment was secretly happy as the minutes ticked beyond the pick up time. Sometimes you just want to be pissed off. Normal, yes. But never good. Because it's not fun to waver between rage and weeping. Certainly not for dainty flowers like myself. Meh.

So I have a day and evening to myself. And most people are busy filling every second of their day with something that's been scheduled or put off for a long time. Many couple friends are doing couply things because it's Valentine's weekend. Good for them. My few single friends already have plans or aren't returning calls. Which is annoying that they can't immediately sense my selfish funk and come pouring out of the walls to cheer me up and coddle my immaturity. What's up with THAT?!

I spent a while pouring back through my past VDay blog posts. The pathetic thing is, this post really isn't being any different than those pouty little diatribes. Holy crap when will I get a grip and just get OVER it? I've never liked VDay. It's a huge waste of money and that is exploited by businesses that make their money exploiting things like this. I don't have the same distaste for Easter and you'd think - as a Jesus loving soap-box climber - I'd be all OVER the bastardization of THAT holiday.

No, this is a particularly selfish dislike. It's one thing to stand with your loved one, agreeing that the holiday is silly and not buying into overpriced flowers, dinners, etc. It's another thing entirely to be single and endure the endless commercial barf spewed from florists, chocolatiers, and diamond merchants. Commercial portrayals of relationships annoy the snot out of me by swinging wildly along the wide spectrum between these two staples:

Dumpy, balding, clueless man unexplainably has a totally hot, smart wife that does everything.
Sensitive, loving (and usually gorgeous) guy says exactly the right thing to the woman in his life to show he TOTALLY gets how lucky he is to have her as he presents some really tacky, yet expensive, diamond encrusted trinket to her.

I barf on both images. And in stead will concentrate on wonderful and realistic couples in my life. They are fun, funny, loving, imperfect, and devoted. They don't treat marriage like extreme dating that can be dumped as soon as it gets hard. They fight and eat crow and work hard to make up for their short falls. They pout and compromise. They exasperate each other and wouldn't trade their spouse for the world.

You guys cannot even fathom how encouraging it is to watch your relationships. I know you will see this and think, "She can't be talking about us because we are SO not the ideal!" but you will be wrong.

Here is to the wonderful loving marriages that I've been privileged to view from afar or from the intimacy of close friendships. Here are to my friends that unashamedly declare their love for the long haul. Here are to the people that remind me that people do still take those vows seriously:

Mom & Dad
Lucy & Jim
Brenda & Larry
BigSis & TallGuy
Kendra & Donny
Monica & The Hunter
Diane & Jimmy
Trish & Prince Charming
Lisa & Kevin
Shari & Wyatt
Kimberly & Alex
CBeth & The Engineer
Tiffany & Jeff
Michelle & Kenny
Leslie & Nathan
Deanne & Robert
Kim & Ken
Jane & Breen
Wanda & the Retired Pastor
Tracy & Marc
Jess & Jeff
Julie & Jeff
Allison & Rich
Jackie & Kevin
Jeannie & Jack
Alicia & Art
Fieryboots & A
a-dub & his Lovely Missus
Scoo & Mrs. Scoo

You guys - and so many others - really inspire me. Your love and affection means something to someone aside from your spouse.

Imagine that.

Snow Day for Texas!

2011-02-04T08:50:00.009-06:00

I've been taking a beating from my friends in the north over my Facebook postings about our cold snap. Today, I'm sure I'll be taking a beating over the pictures I've posted of our snow day.

Since humans are such one-uppers in nature, we've always seen scenarios where you say something and someone has to start out, "That's NOTHING," and launches into how their similar experience was more intense, more scary, more wonderful, more SOMEthing. It has always driven me nuts. Especially when they have to go the scary route. It's like, hey, here's the most wonderful news of my life! I'm getting married/having a baby/whatever and then some competitive Debbie Downer has to pipe in with horror stories of the worst pregnancy or emergency c-section or someone having a heart attack at their wedding. Seriously?

So now with all these social networking sites, everyone can lob their competitive negativity from the comfort and safety of their couch, bed or armchair. Which has spurred me to invent an app where I can punch them in the neck from the safety of MINE.

Texas has been having a cold snap. It has been cold by anyone's standards. I'm a 20 year Boston veteran and a 4 degree wind chill still makes me think, Yah, that's pretty damned cold. I totally get that there are other parts of this world where 4 degrees is downright balmy and they'd be putting on the shorts and tank tops. But in TEXAS, people - where I LIVE now - that is the kind of cold most people are not prepared for. If you're a transplant like me, you have a nice sub-zero LLBean jacket, about 3 pair of snow boots and a myriad of hats and gloves. But lots of folks down here suffer through the few really cold days layering hoodies. Why spend the money for just a few days a year? So when we get a few weeks of below freezing weather, that's shocking. Especially when the day before saw near 80 degree warmth.

So for all my northern friends that love posting their "Suck it up, you big pansy" comments, yah, I got it. I wouldn't trade your 952 feet of snow for my cold snap for anything. That's one reason I moved down here. (Well it was housing prices but I've grown to love the mild short winters here.) But I have some friends in Canada that would love to post similar snotty remarks on your snow whining posts. But I digress into snotty land.

Roll your eyes or not, we got SNOW today. And underneath it, there was ice. I don't care where you live, smart people don't drive on that stuff if they don't have to. Or unless they have the vehicles to tackle that. So schools are closed. My state agency is closed. We got ourselves a real honest to goodness snow day! Only the second one due to snow that I've seen in the 5 years I've been down here. We had ice storms that close things. But only 2 snow days.

When you live somewhere that never gets something, it's a huge deal when you finally get that something. Even a tiny bit of that something. We are loving it. And as a former Bostonian, I'm glad it's just small enough to not have to shovel anything.

The Boy lovin' the snow (wearing some of my Sorrell snow boots)
My thick Mickey Mouse PJs and my Timberland boots
A cute, cold and happy Lil'Bro
The back of my house
Frozen and about to come back in

Outlets for Rage

2011-01-24T20:45:00.011-06:00

As I may have mentioned here, BigBro feels things very deeply or with great strength. He is passionate about things he loves. His compassion and empathy can be his undoing. His capacity to love has always amazed me.

When things lean to the negative side, it is with equal power. His play therapist is really helping him with this. But he still has those moments when he has such overwhelmingly strong emotions, he doesn't know what to do with them.

Around Christmas, he had a pretty big meltdown. He is still processing his feelings about our divorce. He is extremely smart and tries to process everything. However, without full knowledge of exactly how our divorce came about, he is very confused and angry.

As he sat there trying to explain his anger, I noticed his clenched fists at his side. He was yelling to me about how he hates the divorce and doesn't even know who to blame (ie - me or dad). I could see the wound tension in him. And it brought me right back to being that little kid that was trying to deal with something completely out of my control. Something that I hated (usually a punishment or explanation of why I couldn't have/do something). I knew there was nothing I could do to change it. But my rage was overwhelming. My memories of these times bring back visions of pure white rage taking over my sight. I remember wanting to break or hit something. I didn't want to HURT anyone. Or break anything important. I just needed to punch something or feel something break.

As I sat listening to BigBro venting and hurting, it killed me. I totally recognized the bottled rage. I asked him, "You probably feel like hitting something, don't you?" He threw his face to the ceiling and screamed "YEEEEESSSSSS!" Ugh. Man do I get it.

We did a lot of talking. I did a lot of listening. I related some of my memories from my own frustrations as a kid. I wanted to let him know that I understood what he was feeling and he wasn't insane to feel it. We also prayed. A lot!

I wasn't able to get him to his play therapist for another 3 weeks. And it helped. But I can see the underlying anger and confusion always threatening to undo him in those moments of frustration.

I talked to my mom about a punching bag. In high school, when I was still dealing with becoming part of a blended family and full of rage and anger, a friend showed me how to use one of those smaller wall-mounted punching bags that you always see boxers hitting. Bippity bappity bippity bappity. I got pretty good. When I needed to, I just whaled on that thing. My mom and I thought it would be good for both boys to have something to pound on.

But I wanted to check with their therapist. I know there can be a fine line between allowing for a physical outlet and encouraging violence as a solution to frustration. I sent the therapist an email explaining what I had seen, my own experience of wanting to hit things, and our thoughts about a punching bag. He wrote back, "I think [BigBro] has enough cognitive wherewithal to use that as a coping skill in the moment without any carryover consequences. A lot of parents use martial arts classes for the same purpose. Sounds like a good idea."

As I've stated in multiple posts, my parents ROCK. As soon as I shared that email with my mom, she and dad went to the local ginormous sporting goods store. They talked to a sales guy, explaining what and who it was for. He suggested a 70 lb hanging heavy bag. He also warned about their developing bones and not to let them punch it with their bare hands.

This past weekend, mom & dad came and assembled the stand in my garage. Then my awesome neighbor Alex came over and hoisted the bag up so we could hang it on the hook.

The next day, mom took both boys to the afore mentioned sporting goods store and got them each a pair of boxing gloves in their size. Then she brought them home, got them on the computer and showed them a YouTube boxing tutorial video she had researched. BigBro watched the whole thing. Lil'Bro hopped around posing in his new gloves and didn't watch.

When the boys were ready to try out the new heavy bag, BigBro walked up and punched it exactly like the tutorial showed. He got his feet in the right position, shoulder down, jab jab PUNCH! It was pretty cool. Lil'Bro walked up and started flailing at it. So I slowed him down, had him step back and reminded him of his kung fu lessons. He paused and then huh huh PUNCH! Great form!

BigBro testing out some boxing moves:
Lil'Bro (with helmet!) trying out some kung fu moves:

So both boys are enjoying the heavy bag. And I have to admit, I took off my antique ring to have a few hits. My Ex asked if I've put any pictures on there yet to motivate me. Ha! I just may. I just may.

I feel like BigBro will have some options for anger outlets. He knows the main reason my parents got the bag is for his benefit. But I think our whole little family will benefit.

Wikkid Smaht Kids

2011-01-15T21:35:00.005-06:00

Our elementary school gives out awards for grades, perfect attendance, and other types of good citizenship in a school environment. They give out dog tags. I think it's so cool.

The younger grades (K & 1st) always try to make sure each kid gets some kind of dog tag. So there's the birthday dog tag, the perfect attendance, school pride, good student, etc. The 5th graders are a little more sparse.

Lil'Bro got two: Birthday and I think something like Paw Pride.

BigBro got one: A/B Honor Roll.

Proving once again my boys are wikkid smaht and must have been switched at the hospital with the kids of some couple from MIT or Harvard. (hee hee)

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T11:52:00.003-06:00

So the 1st year of the 2nd decade in this 21st century is over. I've been looking at postings all over the web where people have extreme sentiments about how 2010 went. I have no such feelings. 2010 was another year. I have a year of my job under my belt. I've worked hard to learn all the new tricks this old dog has faced. I got used to a long commute after 3 yrs of working from home. We had school, birthdays, holidays, illness, fun and lots of laughter. All in all, I liked 2010.

I have even been able to handle the disappointment of not having hover cars, personal jet packs or silver unitards. Though the latter is probably a kindness in obese America.

I post less and less on this blog. Not by choice. But because of time. I have precious little truly free time and choose to spend it doing more important things [to me].

One of the things I love at each new year is recognizing that my need for this blog continues to shrink. It's original intent was to document my struggle with getting healthy. That was derailed quickly with BigBro's diagnosis with Tourette's. And even that had to share the spotlight with my big dumb divorce. This blog was my lifeline during those horribly painful initial divorce years. Thanks to my rockin' God, that need has grown less with each passing day.

The marriage implosion began a few days after New Year's 2007. I just did the math on my fingers and double checked it on my computer calculator. I have survived a full 4 years since then. God walked me through the cess pool of hell that was my divorce. He pulled me up out of the pit and kept walking with me through the dark forest of the 2nd year. He stayed by my side as I exited the dark woods and began taking tentative steps into light and rejoining the world around me. He set me up in strength and confidence. He surrounded me with an army of family and true friends. And I realize that his protection and help surrounded my boys along with me.

I wish I could document the amazing personal miracles I witnessed. I don't share them in such a public forum because many of them were very deeply personal answers to very specific prayers. Many involved things that happened to other people. So to share them here would probably seem out of context and would appear petty and mean in stead of amazing and glorious.

I can only say that, when all hell broke loose and the proverbial crap hit the fan back in January 2007, I learned what it meant to press into God. I threw myself on him. I finally found out what it felt like to count on him to even be able to open my eyes in the morning. And he came through. Hugely.

So 2011 finds me employed, living in the house I thought I'd lose. It finds my boys thriving and hardly any Tourette's symptoms.

I have no doubt God will continue me on an amazing path. Now that I can see beyond my own whining and pain, I can finally ask God, "Now what?" Scary question. But I'd like to think I'm ready to take on whatever it is he wants me to do.

Christmas in Pictures

2010-12-27T16:22:00.024-06:00

CHRISTMAS EVE:
Stockings hung and Santa presents out.
Presents are put out under/around the tree.
One shot with no flash just because...
CHRISTMAS MORNING:
BigBro opening his stocking.
Lil'Bro opening his stocking.
Traditional Christmas breakfast in this house! YUM!
Nerf swords from my brother's family.
I think he was opening Bakugan near the computer so he could upload them onto the website.
Lil'Bro and The Ex work on assembling the Lego Star Wars set Santa left.
My new bracelet from my awesome sis-in-law.
CHRISTMAS AFTERNOON:
My mom's Christmas tree.
BigBro doing some magic from his new Criss Angel magic kit (with Lil'Bro as his assistant).
My nephew Sid enjoys his new rope bone.
BigBro opening something big from my parents.
Mom & Dad with a Katharine Hepburn DVD set from my sister.
Lil'Bro rockin' some killer guitar faces with his new Paper Jamz flying V!
The End.

The Birthday Lil'Bro - in Pictures

2010-12-23T21:52:00.013-06:00

Pre-carnage. Ready for the unwrapping mayhem!
Mario action figure!
Lego Star Wars - General Grievous Starfighter.
Art supplies and table easel from Nana!
Bowling mayhem with his best buds. Complete with cool kung fu moves.
BigBro watching his pals (all the older siblings).
Lil'Bro trying a split. "Ooooooow! This huuuuuuuuurts!"
I love this shot of Lil'Bro riding the ball return.
The 4 Mustketeers. They've been together since preschool. That was almost 3 years ago!
The End

Happy Birthday, Lil'Bro!

2010-12-22T12:43:00.002-06:00

Today is Lil'Bro's 7th birthday! Pix at 11:00.

One Year Anniversary

2010-12-16T23:07:00.004-06:00

This past Tuesday was my one year anniversary at my "new" job. I guess I can't claim being the new kid anymore. Oh well. There goes my out.

I'm on a new team now. God's keeping my back. I started out on a cream-o-the-crop team. In July, I moved to a new project. Another group of stellar people. I'm learning new tools and skills. Ramping up the resume which is always good.

So one year in, still diggin' the job.

Thank you, God!

Whew! Thank You, God.

2010-12-11T22:08:00.003-06:00

I've been walking around for about 45 minutes just thanking God over and over.

It's Saturday night. I usually let the boys stay up to 9:30pm. But It's a Wonderful Life was on TV until 10:00 so I let them stay up. Around the time I would normally be putting them to bed, I was prepping food for church in the kitchen (I usually wait to prep during Saturday Night Live).

I had washed a bunch of grapes and had them drying. I got out a bowl, cutting board and pineapple to chop. As I stood up from getting the bowl, I smelled gas. At first I thought it was some weird smell from the plastic bag the pineapple was in. I moved around and caught it again. What in the world would smell like gas? I wasn't really that close to the stove. I opened the cupboard again and sniffed. Nope. I smelled the bowl, the bag, the cutting board. Nope. But there it was again - stronger this time. Gas.

I turned around to check the stove controls. Of course they were all on the off position. But wait - one wasn't! It was on medium but not lit!!! I honestly have no idea how that happened. It's not the kind of thing you can easily bump into an on position. The kids never touch it. I've been puttering around the kitchen all evening. I must have accidentally turned it on at some point. I honestly can't imagine how. But there it was. I turned off the knob but the kitchen was filled with the smell of gas!

I hurried and opened the back door, back window, garage door, front door, ceiling fan. It all aired out after a while. But man, that is scary!

And let me paint the picture here for you:

I cooked dinner a LONG time ago. I have NO idea how long that gas was going. The kitchen really smelled of it so it had put out quite a bit. It's very dry and cool here - static electricity popping off sparks everywhere. I'm wearing my faux-Crocs around which build up static electricity. I have the dryer running a few feet from the stove - big time static builder. I normally would have been upstairs putting the boys to bed. And might have come back down to watch some TV before going into the kitchen starting to prep the food.

I just keep thinking of how this evening COULD have gone.

Thank you God for that movie that kept us all downstairs. Thank you for putting the food prep into my head early. Thank you for letting me smell the gas and find the control on. Thank you, God. Thank you!!!

Ornaments

2010-11-28T18:03:00.016-06:00

The boys got most of the ornaments up on the tree. I only had to reposition a few. I think I put up about 6. They did the rest.

Every year, we each buy an ornament. They're all very special memory makers. I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you.

Here's the tree:
This is a cowboy boot I got last year. It's some kind of heavy resin.
Cowboy riding a bucking bronco. Cut metal:
Ceramic cardinal bell. His feet are the clapper:
Elvis in white jumpsuit (I lost the Elvis in 1969 comeback black outfit in the divorce):
Little plastic gray kitty (makes me think of my long gone gray kitty):
Gumball machine:
Little kitty book:
This was a little blank book key chain. In 2000, we started writing the year and where we lived at Christmas.
Christmas Pickle picked up this year:
There is a legend that the pickle ornament is a German tradition. I'll ask my two German friends but a quick Google search makes me think it's not quite spot on.
Sock Monkey picked up in 2009:

The Tree Is Up

2010-11-27T22:58:00.010-06:00

Well the doc has given us the "all clear" to rejoin humanity. I'm not convinced. I'm not sure how looking in ears, nose and throat definitively tell me I don't have a bacterial infection. But whatever. Away we go!

I had a great Thanksgiving with the boys and The Ex. I still have periodically mixed emotions when he's around. But I tell you, as far as exes go, he's fine. We're friends. Memories of the last three years can derail that for me. It doesn't take much. But generally, we do ok. It was a good day. The boys had a blast even though we couldn't be with my parents. And of course, I made chocolate chess pies!

The next day, we saw the doc. So that night we had leftovers with my parents. A second Thanksgiving. That was very cool.

Today, I dragged out the tree. It's a prelit we've had since 2005. Last year, I cut off all the lights. To many big sections with no lights. Too hard to figure out which line needs the new fuse. It's normally lit with little white lights. Very classic. I love that look. But Lil'Bro asked for multicolored lights. It's different - especially with the LED lights. They're VERY bright. But I like it. Ornaments will go on tomorrow.

Today, I also made a birthday cake for The Ex. The boys and I gave him a little birthday celebration after his day at work.

We're also hosting my nephew - my sister's dog, Sid. He's such a good little dog. We're going to miss him when he leaves tomorrow.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Eve

2010-11-24T20:32:00.002-06:00

I have so much to be thankful for.

I'm almost a year into my "new" job and still love it.

My boys are healthy, happy and great friends. Plus, they're still young enough to enjoy my company.

I live in a safe neighborhood, in a safe city, in a safe country.

I have shelter, clothes, more food than I need and we have plenty of toys.

My parents are nearby. My sister and bro-in-law are nearby.

My friends are sweet, loving and extremely patient.

I could go on. But that's it for now.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

2010-11-21T10:37:00.004-06:00

Lil'Bro's bout with this stomach bug kind of blew out Halloween weekend for us. And the following week. He and I got better and things looked good.

Until last Wednesday. I thought I had avoided the full onslaught. Not so. I held down nothing. At all. The Ex drove me to the doc, bucket in hand. They gave me anti-nausea meds. I have been holding down small amounts of stuff here and there. I am, however, very sick of saltines, chicken broth, rice and bananas. I'm hungry but nothing sets well in my stomach.

Last night, BigBro came down with a low fever. I made a bed on the floor next to mine in preparation for the puke-fest to come. We prayed hard before bed. I have to admit, my faith wasn't at 100%. I was expecting a night of puke. We all slept through the night.
This morning, all 3 of us have low fevers. No puking. The boys ate a big breakfast. I ate toast & eggs. The bacon made my stomach turn.

I have an aunt & 2 cousins in town. I haven't seen them since...well...in decades. I can't go near them. This stomach bug is something that could really wipe out an elderly person like my aunt or my dad.

Not sure what to expect for Thanksgiving. I'm tired and yucky. My cheerleader-esque faith is a little battered. Not that I don't have faith in God. I'm just not praying with much expectation. Stupid me. But there it is.

Guh.

Ambitious Diet: Not a Good Thing

2010-11-02T19:53:00.003-05:00

So here's a little tip from me to you:

If your kid doesn't eat for 2 days and has to be rehydrated in the ER and then feels amazingly better so wants to eat everything he can get his hands on? Yah, DON'T let him get his hands on mini-cheeseburgers.

Today, Lil'Bro made it about 1.5 hrs into the school day before yarfing all over his classroom carpet. I owe his teacher dinner. AFTER he's better.

Just sayin'.

A Halloween Eve Rehydration at the ER

2010-10-30T18:31:00.005-05:00

Lil'Bro wasn't able to hold down ANYthing yesterday. Not water, not Pedialyte. They called in a scrip of anti-nausea meds. It helped him drink sips of water all night. But then he threw up again early this morning.

After a call to his doctor's office, we took him into the ER for fluids. Two and a half hours of fluids later, he was a new kid. I have read the symptoms of dehydration but never saw them all before. The lethargy was pretty palpable. Very weird to see your usually energetic 6 1/2 year old not respond to anything. He didn't want TV. He didn't want his DS. He didn't want to move.

We got home from the ER and he immediately fell asleep on the couch. For THREE hours. I got an hour of sleep in.

Oh yah, my BigSis and her TallGuy hubby drove 30 minutes up here to get BigBro. They took BigBro to our church Fall Festival. Another church friend will bring him home.

Yesterday, I put out a "help" email to the women at my church asking them to get the food for church. Two women immediately took up the task for me. One of our lead pastors will sing in my stead. A couple of people have offered to come pick up BigBro for church tomorrow. My mom just dropped off a bunch of bananas and some frozen dinners. Tons of my local pals have sent offers over Facebook asking if they can do anything for us. And they mean it. My distant pals also sent prayers and love through Facebook, emails and texts.

I have to tell you, when you ask God to surround you with good loving people? He totally comes through. I cannot thank God enough for all of the awesome friends and family he has surrounded us with.

And Lil'Bro woke up about 30 minutes ago. He has held down water, half a banana and a little cup of applesauce. He keeps talking about the mini cheeseburgers at a local burger joint. I have to think he's on the mend.

Thanks to all my loving friends and family.

For reference, here are two pictures.
Just having arrived at the ER
and 2.5 hrs later.

A Break in the Keck

2010-10-29T08:25:00.003-05:00

Lil'Bro has the tummy bug that's going around. I probably do, too. But either it hasn't hit me fully or I'm tolerating it better.

So while Lil'Bro watches Scooby Doo on the couch with his bucket, I'll drop a note here.

BigBro is doing well. He's having anger issues. He has a lot of deep seeded anger toward his dad for leaving him for 3 years. The Ex has expected this. But it's still hard when it finally rears its head.

BigBro doesn't fully understand it. We're trying to get him to his therapist but money is very tight and a good therapist can be expensive. Ours is awesome. And he's reasonably priced for his skill but it's a stretch at the moment. Man I hate that.

Anyway, BigBro is overreacting to small things that make him angry. It's another volcano with a very thin cap.

I will retire to the couch with Lil'Bro now.

Growling And The Ex

2010-10-06T21:45:00.007-05:00

Growling
BigBro has been making a strange noise a lot lately. I can't tell if it's a tic or he's just enjoying the sensation of it.

I can't describe it very well. The way I can do it is, if I close my mouth, breathe in through my nose and make my vocal chords vibrate on the intake. It's like an inhalation growl.

He does it now and then. I've noticed it every day for quite some time. Every now and then I'll say, "Hey, you're growling," or "Stop the growling." Not mean. Just kind of like you'd tell your kid to get their finger out of their nose in a matter-of-fact tone.

As we went to bed tonight, I followed him up the stairs and heard the growl. I said, "Hey, you're growling again." Lil'Bro asked why he does that. BigBro said he didn't know. I asked if it was tic-ish or if he just liked the feeling. He wasn't sure.

Lil'Bro asked what a tic was. I explained how Tourette's is a neurological disorder where the nerve signals get confused or crossed. Probably not exactly technical but it helps me to think of it this way. Lil'Bro wanted examples so I mentioned some. I tried not to list all of BigBro's manifestations - kind of hit all over the TS spectrum.

After a while, BigBro asked me to stop talking about the symptoms because it made him uncomfortable. He has told me in the past that he doesn't feel his TS until I mention it. Which I understand. But I also think it's important for his little brother to understand what TS is and how it might manifest. It's always good to have a built in advocate - even if he IS three and a half years younger than you!

So I told BigBro that I'm just explaining it to Lil'Bro and there's no need to feel like I was listing everything on HIS list of TS symptoms. He eventually joined in the explaining. Which was cool. I certainly don't want it to be a hush-hush taboo subject.

I understand how discussing TS can make BigBro suddenly very aware of lurking feelings. But I also know he can own those feelings, talk about it and be ok.

And The Ex
And on a totally separate subject, The Ex has been living nearby for just over a month now. I cannot tell you how spoiled I feel with the extra help he is giving with the boys.

But here is one weird little observation:

When I was doing this all alone - forced to do it - I did it. I mean, yah, I had days where I felt overwhelmed. Especially in the beginning. But by this third year? Our routine was in the can. I just did it. Not spectacularly, mind you. But we were all alive, relatively clean, fed and clothed.

On my own, if dishes needed doing? I did them. If laundry piled up, I tackled it (eventually). If errands backed up, I got 'em done. I could do all the shopping, unload the car and put it all away. Hey, who else is gonna do it, right?

Well, now I have a co-parent nearby. Within walking distance. He's been stepping up and helping. Suddenly, I can remember being one of a couple. Suddenly I remember how impossible it felt that I could have done the shopping and now I had to unload the WHOLE car all by myself! AND I had to put the stuff away, too?! Suddenly, one person couldn't possibly do any of the chores that needed doing - not alone!

Being part of a couple gave me this fragile-flower mentality. I see it all the time with couple friends of mine. The trash is overflowing but my friend won't touch it. That's his job. The dog can be scratching at the door, starving, but another friend won't get the food from the bag 5 feet away because that's her job. I mean, really?

But yah. Really. I was the same way. I remember thinking I would never be able to do it all by myself. And there are those that would look around my house and argue I am NOT doing it all by myself. (And I would agree.)

But let me tell you, my dainty-fragile-flower mentality? Feh! Because on my good days? (And lately, these outnumber my bad days by far) I can get up, get the school prep done, dress the kids, help Lil'Bro brush his teeth while hounding BigBro not to get distracted. I can get them to school and get to work and then kick ass to get back in time to pick them up from after-school-care. I can drag them home and whip them into homework-mode. I can make a dinner (and by "make", I don't mean Donna Reed's version of "make" - but they're alive and thriving so...), clean up the mess and put away the leftovers. I can do the grocery shopping, unload the whole car and put it all way - alone. I can run the errands. I can balance [air quotes] the budget and make all the payments. I can plan, pay for and execute all the parties. I can buy the clothes, shoes, school supplies. I can somehow squeeze 2 extra hours out of my...um...busy schedule for a birthday party for every kid my boys know. I can periodically dust (at least once a decade), vacuum (much more frequently), scrub, wipe, and scour the house. I can do ridiculous amounts of laundry. I can post meaningless jibber jabber on Facebook and blogs. I can make it to church on time with both boys in tow, contribute to the ministries there (including 'Comic Relief' and 'Official Wisecracker'), sing my brains out and get back home. I can do it. I don't need to half-ass it and whine that my partner should be doing such and such and if only he'd be doing THIS part, I'd be able to do THAT part better and all that horse hockey I used to think.

And this isn't judgment. These are all observations about my formerly whiny, selfish SELF.

When I became a single parent, I talked to God and said, "You're going to have to help me here. There is NO way I can do this on my own!" There really wasn't. It's not a one-person job.

Thankfully, my partner is the Creator of All Things. He still makes me unload the whole car and put the groceries away. But not alone.

Amazing Brothers

2010-09-17T20:16:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, the boys were supposed to go to the 7th birthday party of a best pal of Lil'Bro. One of the 4 Musketeers, Lil'McV. They've both been pumped all week for this.

Just before lunch, the school called me. Lil'Bro was in the nurse's office with a low fever complaining of tummy yuck. I called The Ex and he ran to pick him up.

When I picked up BigBro from after school care, I gave him the option to still go. We got home and took Lil'Bro's temp. The fever persisted so we had to call the McVs to say, sorry, Lil'Bro couldn't go. Oh he was SO upset. He understood about contagion. He understood he needed to be a responsible sick person. But on MAN, this was a hard one.

As Lil'Bro sat silently crying on the couch, BigBro told him, "If you don't want me to go, I'll stay here with you." Lil'Bro didn't reply. He was too upset. BigBro told me, "I'll stay here with [Lil'Bro]."

Do I love my boys? Durn TOOT'N'!

Drilling a Relief Well

2010-09-14T18:34:00.004-05:00

Since my last post, BigBro has had one more ginormous volcanic eruption. Again, it was a minor upset at a friend's house. This time, I had the sense to stay at the play date for just such an occasion.

Lack of sleep + life-event stress do not a good thing make. Good grief. I'm typing like Yoda.

Listening to him after this breakdown...or during it, I guess...I heard so many things that broke my heart:

When will this STOP?!
I don't want to FEEL this way!!!!
This happens every DAY!!
This will never end.
I'm so confused!
I don't even know who I AM!
I don't even know what I'm feeling!!!

After he had blown off some steam in his room, we had a talk. He shamefully confessed that he had twisted some of his very special stuffed animals. "I wanted to hurt them!" he tearfully blurted out. It was then I wished I could hand him a big ol' bat and a hanging punching bag.

I told him it's totally ok to be mad at dad or me. It's totally ok to feel confused about wanting dad to stay while wanting him to be able to go back to his beloved Boston. It's ok to scream and want to punch things. I can sense the guilt and shame in him - thinking that all of these outbursts and negative feelings are somehow him being "bad".

I did NOT have the answers and I told him so. But God does have the answers and I reminded him of that. His faith is huge. And I'm thanking God for growing it so huge because it's what will get him through this.

When I dropped him off at school yesterday, he was down. Not pouty or over dramatic. He was probably depressed. He was low energy. He was giving people brave fake smiles. But it wasn't him. Sadness just dripped off of him.

From our conversations, I knew he thought he had reverted. He knows how awesome he's been doing with no tics, no rage and no anxiety. And all of a sudden, bam! they're both back in spades. So add to all the guilt, fear, hurt and anger the thought that suddenly Tourette's is back and taking over.

Yesterday, I called his therapist and said he needed to get in there because he was having an emotional crisis. They got him in first thing this morning.

Our play therapist, Dr.M, is awesome. He loves both boys so much. But he has that special appreciation for BigBro. Today, BigBro saw Dr.M for an hour. Toward the end, I joined them and they showed me (some of) what they had discussed.

Dr.M firstly explained that all of these crazy conflicting emotions are very hard to wrestle. And that EVERYone wrestles with them in their life. Even grown ups. So A) you're not alone.

He then explained that everyone has needs in their lives. I saw a piece of paper that had a bunch listed - obviously, they had made the list together. I saw things like "security", "attention"...I couldn't read all of it. Dr.M explained to BigBro that all of these needs, if not met, will pull on you like gravity. Except they pull your heart (ie emotions). So when a big life event comes along and these needs become greater, the heart can sometimes be over run by things like fear, anger, hurt, and guilt. I saw those written on that same pad.

It was explained better than that but that's what's in my head.

So Dr.M asked BigBro to show me how he had modeled what his emotions might look like in the sand table. Ok...wow. Firstly, I wouldn't even know how to go about modeling that. But here's what he did (and I wish I had photographed it):

One third of the sand table was fenced off and had a volcano, ambulance and eagle figure. The other two thirds had some bright shining marbles & stones, some little toy street signs (like yield, stop, arrows, etc.), a colorful moth figure and a bat figure. It also had a big wooden elephant near the fence.

The side with the elephant represented the side that held his friends (moth & bat), fun (shining marbles & stones), and direction (signs). The elephant represented a big event that happened. It was so big, it pushed him out of the fun side and into the volcano side.

The volcano side represented his isolation. He felt alone even with people around. The volcano represented his anger. The ambulance could get to him but wasn't able to stay long (he showed it sliding down the sand away from his eagle self).

I pointed to a Grinch figure on the fun side that was facing the volcano side. He said that represents how he feels like there is something watching him, always ready to mess him up. He felt like it was his guilt and other emotions that would get him when he least expected it.

It was amazing.

I told him I found it very interesting that his two friends had wings. Because his two best friends are very awesome and true friends. It made me think that their wings would allow them to fly up over this huge elephant and get to him. He looked at them for a minute and went, "Ohhh..." then picked the moth & bat up and flew them over to his eagle self. He liked that. I also pointed out that HE had wings. He liked that, too.

Dr.M drilled a relief well for my little volcano today. It's a good start, as he said. But putting words and labels on those needs and emotions was key, I think. BigBro seemed light when we left. Like, he knew what it all was now. He had identified it and named it. It's a known quantity. Takes the edge off that fear and anxiety.

When I dropped him off at school, he greeted the teachers with his usual bright, "Hi!"

I know we're not done yet. But that relief well is doing its job. It's relieving the pressure and letting God do the rest.

Keep those prayers coming.

Uncorked

2010-09-10T21:43:00.003-05:00

BigBro is having a rough go of it this month. The boys' dad moved back to town on 09/01. He's a 5 minute walk from our house. He's not mopey and he's already helped me out with sharing the kid care almost every day.

The boys are thrilled. But...so many emotional obstacles. BigBro finally uncorked at my friend's house tonight. Huge meltdown. All of the conflicting emotions he's been bottling came flying out when one teeny thing happened. Here's what was in the volcano:

BigBro hesitated to show how happy he is about their dad being back. He thought it might hurt me.
We are letting them choose where they want to sleep pretty often. BigBro was worried if he wanted to stay with parent A, it would insult or hurt parent B.
He's afraid dad will leave again.
He's glad dad is back but knows he really wants to live in Boston. He feels bad that dad can't be where he wants to live (I personally also think he feels guilt over this).
He feels bad that dad gave up all his friends.
He feels bad that dad gave up his band, job, life, etc.
He worried about dad's ex-girl thing because, well, he saw what a breakup can do.

He also feels guilty for having most of these feelings. It's a horrible vicious cycle.

Tonight, the boys were at my friend's house, playing with her two boys and a few others. The Ex and I went out for Indian food - the boys are not fans. Just as we wrapped up dinner, my phone rang and my friend told me BigBro was having a big meltdown and she wasn't making any headway with him. She got him on the phone and he wasn't making any sense. He was way beyond losing it.

When we got there, she came out to meet us. He had calmed down enough and uncorked on her. I think it helped having a totally neutral loving safe person to talk to. She explained that some game had gone bad (some boys not following rules - which sets BigBro off on even a good day) and that did it. UNCORK. So that one little pinhole became the egress for all of these pent up emotions. He had communicated #4-7 to me the other night. But I hadn't know all of the rest.

The boys went home with their dad tonight. I'm hoping that goes well. He hasn't had to deal with this close up for quite a while. I wish I had them. Ah well.

But to back track - since their dad returned, BigBro has been having exaggerated blinking, his finger/hand action (Spidey Hands), shoulder shrugging, and multiple little verbal tics. His threshold for dealing with problems has dropped. He's been having little emotional explosions here and at school. One happened this morning at school.

So the signs have been there. I knew something was up. And I knew it coincided with the return of The Ex. I know it's normal. I'm not worried about this being some long-lasting thing. But I can tell you this: I'm making an appointment with our awesome child counselor on Monday.

If you're the praying kind, my boys need it. LilBro clams up. So this could all be going on in his head, too. I don't know yet.

Like I told BigBro - God is bigger than this. He'll help BigBro control his body again. Now that we know what's going on and how to counter it. Come on, God!

First Day O' School - 2010

2010-08-24T18:29:00.010-05:00

Today was the boys' first day of school. BigBro is in 5th grade and LilBro is in 1st. Didn't I just have them? Apparently, I better stop blaming post-partum baby-weight as the reason for my girth. Dang.

I spent yesterday fighting a migraine. So last night, I felt yucky and lazy and didn't want to cook. That latter part is nothing new. I just usually feel peppy and lazy and don't want to cook. But anyway, we went to the local pizza buffet. I had salad and pizza. The boys had pizza. It was yummy, cheap and fun.

Three hours later, it was unfun for me. Mom and I assume it was bad lettuce in the salad bar. I have no clue. I spent a good part of the evening in bed or on the terlit. Aren'tchya glad I shared?

The boys were too excited about school starting the next day. So I had frequent visits of "I can't get to sleep!"

I awoke feeling like punk this morning. Exhausted and unpeppy. It's a good thing we packed their lunches and backpacks the night before. Because I was off my game. Which is also why I don't have a gazillion photos. Dang it.

We drove to school knowing that the 1st day is when everyone else and their brother drives to school. No matter how many emails and letters the school send with instructions on where NOT to park, everyone parks there. So the streets surrounding the school became a tightly packed series of one-way streets. So we all ended up playing chicken to see who would win and get in or out of the school. I wish the school would hire me and a hand-picked group of parking nazis for that first day. I swear, you'd have a clear zone around that school where cars and buses could get in and out! But alas. They did not have me nor my minions.

We got out of the car and I had enough sense to snap this picture with my Blackberry. After burning the boys' retinas out by making them face the morning sun, we went to class. Both boys are very happy with their teachers. LilBro's 1st grade teacher was BigBro's 4th grade teacher last year. We ADORE her and were very happy to see her. BigBro's teacher is awesome. I'm told she is high energy and has extremely creative teaching plans. She is TAG (talented & gifted) certified so knows how to deal with those off-beat TAG kids that think outside the box. Outside the whole store, often times.

I love our school. I love knowing my boys are safe and surrounded by staff that actually care. One of my best friends works there as a teacher's aide so I know they have an on-the-spot emergency contact right there.

Last Friday night was Meet The Teachers night. I had the sense to bring my camera that night knowing the first day of school would be controlled mayhem. So I give you these two shots of the boys' teachers:

The Wonderful Ms. H and LilBro:

BigBro and The Fantastic Ms. F

The Boys and Their Dad

2010-08-06T21:37:00.002-05:00

The Ex is moving back to Texas. Not only to Texas but to our town. Not only to our town but to the apartments within walking distance from our house.

The boys are understandably thrilled. I am immensely happy for them. They have missed him. And - selfishly? - I can't wait to have some help I don't feel guilty about.

I haven't written about The Ex in a while. It's hard to write honestly about it here because I don't find the bloggosphere a place for full disclosure.

He returns to his boys after much soul searching. The reality of what he did back in 2007 has finally really hit him. And I can't imagine it's easy to reconcile the good man he generally is in life with the dolt he was for the last three years.

God has been speaking some big huge stuff to me lately. Our pastor had two major lessons on forgiveness that just hit me between the eyes lately. The first right before The Ex told me he was moving back to the area. God's timing is all over this thing.

The Ex and I have worked very hard to maintain a friendship. So I will be glad to have my friend nearby.

God's working on this guy. I am looking forward to watching what He does. Because my boys deserve a Dad. Not just a voice on a phone.

Pokemon Boy is TEN!

2010-07-17T19:29:00.005-05:00

On July 5th, Pokemon Boy turned TEN. Double digits. And I have to tell you, I hardly see any signs of Tourette's. He'll tell you he doesn't have it any more. The director at his after school care recently told me that he's not on their watch list. They used to have to watch for his huge highs and lows. They say he's just one of the kids.

All of his teachers (school, after school, church) say that he's a hoot. We went to the doctor yesterday and he was so eloquent and polite, it just blows me away. Most adults that meet him are really taken with him.

Now and then, I see the fingers wiggling. Sometimes he's a bit fidgety. But there are no more anxiety attacks. There are no more raging outbursts. I haven't seen a facial tic or heard a verbal tic in I don't know HOW long.

It's still there a bit. He still says that when I mention it, he feels it. So I don't mention it.

I have to tell you, if you think prayer doesn't work, all I can say is, keep trying. Tenacity. Pokemon Boy and I have been praying about his Tourette's since we found out. I have prayed for complete healing. My church has. My family has. I'm still not giving up because there are teeny traces still there. I have no doubt that Pokemon Boy's amazing progress is all God. How many kids with an anxiety disorder have it just disappear? And during a divorce, his mom being laid off, etc. Yah, that is ALL God.

I just had to share that. My boy is ten. He's an amazing person. I have no doubt that God has some big plans for him. And overcoming this Tourette's thing is probably part of it.

Here's a shot for you. This was spring 2001. He was about 9 months old. Couldjya DIE?!

Blog Spammers Need a Good Slap

2010-06-10T18:03:00.001-05:00

I promise to post an update soon. But for now, I will have to inform everyone that I have had to - once again - turn on the comment moderation because of some stupid blog spammer who seems to think I need to order Viagra.

So thank you, blog spammer, for once again making it difficult for my friends, family and regular readers to comment on my blog.

Eat dirty socks.

Love...Tourette's Mom

Hey Uncle Jim, Save a Place For Me

2010-05-21T21:20:00.005-05:00

A couple of hours after posting that last post, my mom called and told me Uncle Jim had passed away that night.

He had a very pleasant last day and was able to say goodbye to almost all his family on the phone or in person. He died surrounded by family. That evening, my cousin posted the following on his CaringBridge journal:

Our Papaw has left this world for a better place. He died surrounded by his family and friends. We thank you for your love and support of our Dad/Papaw. We know that he is going to walk the streets of gold and hang out with Mindy and Jesus. (Mindy was his special dog that loved him as much as we did. ) Thank you Jesus for letting us have such a great Papaw. We love you! [signed the family] CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am encouraged today hearing the plans of all the extended family to get there to love on each other. I think Jim will be happy we will all finally be in one spot together. It's been a long time coming.

All the emails, Facebook posts, texts and phone calls have been so wonderful. My family is very lucky to be covered in so much prayer and love from strangers all over the world.

Easter 2010: My Uncle Jim & Aunt Lucy (center) surrounded by their 4 kids and their families:

Heavy Heart

2010-05-20T20:08:00.002-05:00

My heart is heavy. I kind of get that statement right now. I've known how to correctly use it and in the right context. But I feel it. My heart feels soggy and heavy and rather listless.

Our extended family is - I guess - on vigil now. One of the favorite uncles suffered a life threatening intestinal blockage recently. It was touch and go but he's a tough nut and he fought his way through it. Once past the crisis, I'm sure I wasn't the only one that thought, "He's a tough one - of course he came through it!" Even a few days later when the diagnosis of cancer came, I'm pretty sure most of us thought, ok, he will have a rough battle but he'll come through. Even as the battle became a worse struggle, many of us just knew he'd persevere.

We are all preparing for the most likely outcome. None of us are ruling out a last minute miracle from God. Although, I will confess that I am having trouble praying in faith for that miracle. My fearless confident type of prayer starts to wane as reality takes us closer to what I don't want. I'm human. So sue me.

I have fitful sleep. I wake often and all I can do is pray when I do. It feels so...not enough-ish. I often start wondering how my aunt and cousins are all handling this. It's one of those many times in life I want to DO something. Something tangible, physical, real - to help. I know prayer is much more powerful that we know. But being a physical being, I want to move my limbs and affect some kind of relief for my hurting loved ones. Gah.

So there's that.

On a more peripheral front, Andrew, a pastor from my former Boston church, died early this morning. He was young, with a strong young wife and two beautiful little children. He and his wife are both pastors at my former church. His wife was the kind of children's ministry leader that knew the names of every mom that dropped her kids off. And this was a big church. I was always astounded when Val would greet me by name after I had only been going there for a few months.

I kept in the loop through two church friends, L & J, who were close friends with them but lived down here. Again, because of his youth and his faith, I just KNEW the cancer wouldn't take him. But the reports grew more and more discouraging. And the inevitable news came today as I worked.

Again, all I can do is pray for his family and loved ones.

Lastly, I called a long-time Boston friend of mine to sing a wacky happy birthday to her. Fortunately, she picked up and I didn't have to be a total spaz into her voice mail. We had a long wonderful talk. During our talk, she told me she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer two weeks ago. She's a nurse, so I take heart when she said, "If you're gonna get cancer, this is the kind you want to get." Duly noted. If they ask me, I will request thyroid cancer. She is young. That counts in her favor. She had just put a bid on a house the day before her diagnosis came in. When she tearfully asked her doctor what she should do about the house bid, he said, "Buy your house!"

I don't pretend to know why God allows good people to die and bad people to prosper. I fight off the stupid thoughts like, did I just not have enough FAITH when I prayed??? As if I have anything to do with God working his miracles. At the ripe old age of 44 and a half, I can finally say I have read the WHOLE bible. And since it's fresh in my mind, there is a part of me that has a bigger picture. I get that we cannot see God's plan. We can't see his all-encompassing view. These long waits on Earth to join our loved ones that have already passed are blips in his timing. I also know that not every illness is a judgment. Death is not to be feared. But the human me that IS trapped in a physical body, that DOES have to live in time, that misses people - that me has trouble with these events.

But I won't stop praying. And it doesn't derail my faith. I don't doubt God. As I told him the other night, I just wish he'd let me in on it. He will. Someday he'll tell us all how it was and we'll all be like, "OOOOOOOoooooh. So THAT'S how it was!!!"

One thing that really made me smile today was this thought: Today? Andrew got to meet Jesus face to face. Face to FACE, man. Now THAT is something to celebrate.

Mothers' Day is Comin'

2010-05-03T12:58:00.005-05:00

Have you ever looked up how many times orphans and widows are mentioned in the bible? There are easily 25 references of the two together. We are told to care for them. Protect them from people who would take advantage. God makes promises to both, together and separately. The measure of someone following God is often taken by whether they are caring for orphans and widows.

I think in today's world, this would translate to making sure we are caring for and protecting those that can't do it for themselves.

So in the context of Mothers' Day, I've been thinking of all the single moms out there. You want to do something truly meaningful on Mothers' Day? Find a single mom and do something for her. Take the judgment out of the whole equation. Or is that only my issue? Don't worry about how she became single. Just look at where she is and what she needs NOW. That's always how God deals with us, right?

Find a mom:

Find a widow. At a funeral in 2001, a widow touched my arm and told me, "Make sure you stay in touch with [the new widow]. The widow is always forgotten." It's a sad truth as often wives have made their community through their husband's work or life. And I know I've been guilty of not contacting someone after a spouse's death as I was uncomfortable with knowing how long to give them to be alone, etc. Even if you feel weird because you haven't called in a while, reach out now. Just do it. Make the connection.
Find a divorcee. This is true for every kind of single mom. But since my divorce, I don't have that guy to spoil me on Mothers' Day. I don't have anyone to send me flowers, take me to dinner, dote on me, make me feel special. My kids do cute things - helped by my mom. But every woman wants to feel valued. Since my divorce, Mothers' Day, my birthday, and all holidays are a bit . . . lacking. I'm ok with it. But I tell you, special efforts are especially appreciated.
Find someone who is temporarily alone. Especially those moms who have husbands deployed elsewhere. Or if her husband travels all the time. I tell you, when you are doing it all by yourself but you know you have a partner elsewhere, that is an emotional rough spot. There are so many things pulling at you - worry, resentment, guilt. My friends in this boat have it rougher than someone who's been doing the single mom thing for a full 3 years. You know what I mean?
Find someone who is being pulled away from their home. Do you know a mom who is deployed elsewhere? Send her an email offering to do something nice for her family on Mothers' Day. Work with her family to send her something. Offer your computer so she can do a video chat with her family. Do you know a mom who is nursing an ailing family member? Now THERE is someone that is overwhelmed. Try juggling a family and hospital time (or home care, possibly).
Find a new mom. Many new moms have their act together. I wasn't one of them. Back in 2000, after Pokemon Boy's birth, a basket of muffins that I would have rolled my eyes at a year earlier became our breakfast for a week. Someone dropping off Chinese takeout one night lifted our spirits. She dropped it off and left. No pressure for us to entertain.

Here are some thoughts:

Give the mom a certificate good for an evening or afternoon out. You'll watch her kids on a Saturday afternoon or a weeknight. She can sit at home and watch a movie. She can go out with friends. She can just have alone time. I have to tell you, when my mom does this for me, that is often when I run those errands that I know would drive my kids nutty. Without kids, I can get about 8 errands run where they'd only tolerate two.

Invite the mom and her family over for dinner with your family. It's often so hard for a single mom to find social time and also quality family time. Single working moms have so little time. Any "down" time gets filled with chores and errands. Family time is often that little time in the car while running errands. If you invite the whole family over, you're giving her a break on dinner prep, social adult time and possibly social time with and for her kids, too. Lots of birds with one stone, you know?

Are you handy, crafty, cleany, cooky? Offer help with something she might not be able to handle alone. Ever tried to purge the garage with little kids wanting your time? That spring cleaning doesn't usually happen for single moms with little ones. Maybe I'm alone in this but I find it easier to clean someone else's house than my own. Helping someone get out from underneath that overwhelming task of [fill in task here] might be just what she needs.

When our music director was recovering from brain surgery a few years back, his wife and mother of two wee ones was constantly by his side. So a bunch of us women at church rotated to go over and clean her house. I tell you, it was a really cool way to help. It is one of the ministries I've done that has stuck in my head - more than quite a few others that I've been involved with.

Offer to watch the kids so she can go get a hair cut. Do you know I went more than a year without a hair cut because I just couldn't find the time without kids? And I have help from family and friends. But when you constantly ask the same person to watch your kids, you feel guilty doing it too often. Getting an offer like this would be awesome. Of if you're really set up in life, offer to watch her kids and give her a certificate to a spa that will do her hair and some other spa offering she might like!

Are you a married couple? Ask your hubby to watch the kids while you take the mom out for a girl's night. Sometimes, my neighbor's hubby watches the kids while she and I sit around talking, having a glass of wine. We don't even go anywhere.

While I obviously have a heart for the single mom, ideas like this are great for any mom. Many of my married friends are just as harried as I am. It can be hard to work out breaks for both parents when they're both feeling totally overwhelmed. Juggling your marriage, your job and your kids is a LOT. I tell you, I only have to juggle my job and kids. I am not tied up tip toe-ing around anyone else's issues.

Time is the most precious gift we can give someone. It's the gift more churches wish their members would donate. They crave it more than cash tithes. How many times do we as individuals utter the words, "There's not enough HOURS in the day!"? I'm constantly saying how I wish I could clone myself. Offering your time is way more special than a gift certificate.

Most moms I know would give their eye teeth for some extra hours in the week or some alone time. Not that we don't love our kids. But having alone time is something I never really appreciated until I had kids. Just a few hours in a chunk where you can do whatever you want. Go to a movie. Go clothes shopping where I can actually TRY THINGS ON. Just walk through Target without someone going, "Can we GO yet?!" Drive around. Sit in the back yard reading in the sun.

And I can basically repost this for Fathers' Day next month. I could write a whole blog on how single dads are in an even rougher boat than single moms. In SOME ways. Don't throw anything at me yet. Being thrown into single parenthood usually happens along with some devastating life bomb. Being thrown there without that natural nurturing mother gene is even harder. Just sayin'.

So this Mothers' Day, if you're in a good spot in life where you can give to someone, give some time to an overwhelmed mom. Figure out what she could really use, ASK her what she could really use. Or offer something you know she'd never ask for herself.

Lil'Bro And His Fear Box

2010-04-27T21:59:00.004-05:00

I'll try to make this quick as I'm supposed to hit the hay. I've been sick with allergy-induced asthma and all sorts of phlegmy goodness for about a week now. Getting better. But shouldn't stay up blogging.

And yet...

Had to share this gem with you.

Lil'Bro is 6. It's around this age that many kids start wrestling with fear. Pokemon Boy went through a real battle with this that was exacerbated by his anxiety disorder. Lil'Bro seems to be pretty much on par for his age.

He's becoming more aware of the world. He hangs with older kids more than PB did at this age. Simply because he is included in PB's world. He's also more saturated in a peer group at this age than PB was. So he hears all sorts of stuff from other kids of all ages.

One kid on the bus informs him that curses (like in movies) are REAL and can kill you. This same kid tells him days later that there are these certain words that, if you say them? They'll kill you! This kid needs to stop watching horror movies.

Another child regales the after school class with stories of parasites: what they are, what they can do to you (always the worst case scenarios, mind you). She informs everyone on bed-bugs later in the week. She's probably just reciting snippets from her recent viewing of something in Discovery.

Then there are the real worries of little kids like, what if something happens to mom? What if so and so dies? What if lava erupts under our house? What if a tornado hits us?

I don't want my kids to live in fear. I held on to lots of fears as a kid. I had a particular fear of "bad guys". And I'm talking stereotypical cat-burglar types, all in black with the black ski-masks, etc? Oh yah. I would have waking dreams where they'd be standing in my room with a ravenous barking dog. I'd be convinced they were outside my house, holding a single match to the corner of the house to burn my house down. Because I'm sure that's how arson is done. I was terrified of hurricanes and tornadoes. Earthquakes and volcanoes. At one point, I was terrified of the Bermuda Triangle. This, while I lived in New England.

So I get fear. And I get how it can stick to you. My mom told me she never knew to teach us kids how to pray against it. It never occurred to her.

In 2005, my small group specifically targeted fear with in-depth prayer. It was amazing. And when God broke the grip of the paralyzing fear in my life at that time, it really did feel like freedom. Oh don't get me wrong. I still wrestle with fear. Real and imagined. I don't watch the news because of how it affects my boys. But also because it's too easy to buy into the media's biased frenzy. And there are still nights when I leap onto my bed, careful not to let my feet dangle over the edge . . . just in case there's someone or something under my bed.

But now I know how to battle it. God is a God of peace. The prince of stupidity is the author of fear. And he's darn good at it. But he still can't stand against earnest prayers in Jesus' name. Nope.

So, yah. Back to the subject (my hope of brevity once again shattered by my vomitous verbosity).

I've been arming my boys for years by teaching them to pray. I've shown them God doesn't care about fancy words. There's no secret formula to "praying the right way." You just tell him what's going on. You tell him what's wrong or what you're happy about. So I tell them to tell God what's scaring them - just like they'd tell me.

Well, praying against the fear wasn't really working all that well for Lil'Bro. It's one thing to ask for it. It's another to believe it. And it's a whole other kettle of fish to receive it. Especially when you're 6.

I'm pretty sure it was my Boston small group that taught me this visualization. I would package up a problem. Wrap it up in my mind. I usually visualized wrapping it tight in brown paper and lots of packing tape. And I would give it to God. Sometimes I would lay it at the foot of The Cross, asking God to take it from me. Or I'd say I'm releasing it to you, please take it from me.

So with Lil'Bro, I told him that we're gonna box up all our fears and ask God to take them. So we do this thing. We close our eyes and hold out our hands like we're holding the sides of a box. Then I say, "God, we're putting all these fears in this box," [miming putting things in our box]. "We need help because we just can't conquer these fears all by ourselves. But we know you can. So we're putting a lid on this box," [miming the lid] "and we're releasing them to you," [miming handing it out to God]. "So God, we release these fears to you and ask you to take care of them. Because we know you're big enough to handle it for us." That's the general gist of it.

So the other night, we're doing this. And after we released the fear box to God, Lil'Bro said something like, "Let's ask God to give the box back to us filled with [mumble mumble]..." I said, "What?" because it sounded like he said something like toys. And I thought, oh boy, he's getting the wrong idea. He mumbled it again and I said, "Toys?" He goes, "No mom. Let's ask God to return the box to us filled with JOY." Oh my goodness! And here I was thinking he might not be getting the idea. I nearly hugged his head off. "Of course! Yes! Let's ask God to return it to us filled with joy!!" I had him pray that part. Which he did swimmingly. I have no doubt God did so with a big huge smile on his face.

A Total Departure

2010-04-22T14:08:00.002-05:00

Blame this one on a tweet I saw from @cbethblog. But she got me to thinking about the English language and how silly our spelling rules are. This was ever apparent to me as I taught my little genius Pokemon Boy how to read, starting around two. He was fine when we'd tell him, "I know what the rule is but this is just one of those weird exceptions." But it made me think what a silly language we have.

cbethblog's tweet made me think about it a bit more than I probably needed to. Hey, I'm home sick. I have too much time on my hands. Sue me.

Here's what I wrote down:

A/a - keep: handles short and long A sounds. Replaces all the vowel combos that try to be long A's like "ey" or "ei".
B/b - keep: handles B sound
C/c - change: we have S and K. We need a letter to handle CH.
D/d - keep: handles D sound
E/e - keep: handles short and long E sounds. Replaces all the vowel combos that try to be long E's. Also replaces any Y's making the long E sound. Just put two E's there or something. E's got it covered.
F/f - keep: handles all F sounds so no more "PH" stuff. And no faking at being a V.
G/g - adjust: handles only hard G sounds like garden or giraffe. No more of this handling J sounds.
H/h - keep: handles H sounds
I/i - keep: handles short and long I sounds. Replaces all the vowel combos that try to be long I's. Also replaces any Y's attempting to handle the long I sound. Just stop it. I has it covered!
J/j - keep: handles all J sounds, taking over for any G's pretending to be J's. Also replaces the need to have the "DGE" combo making the J sound. That's just superfluous and wasteful.
K/k - keep: handles the K sound and replacing the need for a "hard C" sound
L/l - keep: handles the L sound
M/m - keep: handles the M sound
N/n - keep: handles the N sound
O/o - keep: handles the short and long O sounds. Also replaces all occurrences of "AH" trying to be a short O.
P/p - keep: handles all P sounds. No more pairing with H to make the F sound. F has that covered.
Q/q - keep: but ditch the need for the U. What is WITH that? Q can handle it all alone.
R/r - keep: handles the R sound
S/s - keep: handles only the S sounds. No more trying to be a Z. Let Z have that. It has so very few words already. Let it have all the Z sounds, for heaven's sake!
T/t - keep: handles only the hard T sound. No more being the "SH" sound in things that have "tion" at the end. We'll get to the "SH" sound.
U/u - keep: handles the short and long U sounds. Which means there is no longer a need for the double O to make the oo sound. The long U handles that fine.
V/v - keep: handles the V sound
W/w - keep: handles the W sound. And no more of this silly "WH" combo that's just another "W" sound.
X/x - change: we already have a Z sound and the hard X sound can be handled by "KS". We need a letter to take on the softer "SH" sound since C will now handle the hard "CH". So X gets changed to the "SH" sound.
Y/y - keep: but it only handles the consonant pronunciation like in yellow or yard. No more faking as a long E or long I.
Z/z - keep: handles the Z sound. Taking over all the X's faking a Z sound.

We still need letters to handle the soft and hard "TH" sounds. Since I'm out of letters on the normal keyboard, I will substitute the ^ sign for the soft "TH" sound like in "these" or "those". And I will substitute the ~ sign for the hard "TH" sound like in "thanks" or "think".

We also need an "NG" sound as in "thing" or "sang". I'll use the < sign for that.

While we're at it, I think we need some new vowel rules. Have you ever tried to teach your kids rules for reading or spelling? "I before E except after C or when spelled like an A as in neighbor or weigh." Really? Or what about "When two vowels go walking, the first one does the talking"? Really? That's nice for the word "train" but what about the word "great"? And adding an E to the end of a word to make the vowel in the middle long? I can kind of live with that. Although it gets a little murky for words like "taste" or "bathe". It would be nicer to just have different letters - one for the short vowel, one for the longer. But I can't really do that on a normal keyboard, now can I. So I think I'll suggest, if you want a short vowel, you put the vowel by itself. If you want a long vowel, you plop an E right after it.

Let's try out this newly improved alphabet and rules on this sentence (and I've paraphrased it to give me all the sounds I want). Oh this should be good...

Original Silly English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy sheep dog that is thinking of judging cheeses.

New Improved American: ^u qik brown fox jumps oevr ^u laezee xeep dog ^at iz ~eenkee< uv jujee< ceeziz.

See how good that looks? Every letter is making it's own sound and not pretending to be another letter. No more confusion for our preschoolers and kindergartners. No more having to say, "Yah, I know what the rule is but this is just one of those weird exceptions…"

Who's with me?

Ain't Got No TIME!

2010-04-19T22:10:00.003-05:00

Grammah-heads, go nuts on my title. I can take it.

I have no time these days. While I was laid off (or vacationing), I had plenty of time. Being a single mom while being laid off (caveat being that I had a full year of severance) was a piece of cake. I recall thinking, "This single mom thing isn't quite as hard as I had thought." This is where all the single parents can laugh at me. Go ahead. I'll wait.

My work day (including prep, drive, work and drive home) goes pretty much from 5:15am to about 4:30pm. Oh I'm not asking you to cry me a river. I'm sure any number of you can one-up me on this. I have no illusions that I'm some kind of unique sufferer here. I'm just sayin'. And if you know my last few decades of work, you'll know I'm used to sleeping in and working flex hours and having help covering the kid care thing. This is quite different for me.

It's not so bad. We've found a rhythm. We're not thrilled with having to get up this early. The boys don't love having to stay away from home for so long every day. Pokemon Boy, in particular, has voiced his discontent with being away from me so often. It's a sad thing to hear even as it makes me feel loved.

Most days I'm cool with this. Having been out of work for so long and then doing the job search in the midst of the hiring hell that was the end of 2009, I fully appreciate my job. But every now and then I'll have a day that reminds me that this is not the ideal plan. There is a reason that parenting is - ideally - a two person job.

It's a weird set of emotions. One the one hand, I Am Woman. Hear Me Roar. Don't sell me short. Because I'm strong as hell and have an attitude as big as my adopted state. Being thrown into single parenthood stretched me. God provided a new and improved spine. He seems to fill my gas tank every time I'm sure I'll pass out. I've been able to handle all sorts of things on my own that, a mere 4 years ago, I was positive I could never do alone! I've got God on my side. Ain't nothin' I can't do.

On the other hand, I'm human. And us humans are good at whining. We're good at complaining. We're lousy at forgiving. We're constantly looking at everyone else's plate to size up what they've got and hey, that's not fair! So as that fallible human, the hard days trip me up. Easily.

Last week, I didn't get a lot of sleep. My house was a cluttery mess. I was barely keeping up with the laundry. The boys were whiny and asking for things as if money grew out of my arm pits. I hadn't read with Lil'Bro in forever - which I'm supposed to do every night and mark in his school folder. I haven't been able to get to the spring maintenance of my yard...or anything else, for that matter. Oh I don't even remember it all but I had a list. I was down on myself. I was overwhelmed.

It was during this load that I had one of those moments. One of those moments where I just mulled over and over how unfair it is. That The Ex had just up and walked out and left all of this on me. There's a whole set of thoughts that go along that theme. None of which show any kind of maturity or grace. Plenty of family and friends would tell me I have every right to feel these things. But you know, it's been...wow...looking at the calendar, it's been 3 years exactly from when the proverbial fan was hit. I can't keep dredging this garbage up.

Anyway, as usual, this past Sunday, God gave my pastor a lesson just for me. Oh, it touched on a lot of things. But the mention of forgiveness and how hard it is - that's the part that stuck on me. I have no doubt that was God's intention.

So my prayer since Sunday is that God can put true forgiveness into my heart for The Ex and even for his girl thing. It's been a prayer off and on since 2007. I imagine it will be a prayer off and on for quite a while. You see, it's one thing to ask for it. It's another thing to mean it. And it's still another thing to actually receive it.

I have no time. Well, welcome to everyone else's reality, chica. I'm over it. I can make the time if I stop wasting it on self pity and all the other useless emotions I allow myself too often.

God has done some amazing work here. But it's a big job. He's not done yet. Thankfully.

Ok, I'm babbling. I'm outtie.

An Update For The Clamoring Masses

2010-03-25T21:47:00.012-05:00

Apparently, my fans are upset that I haven't been blogging. And by "fans", I mean my good friend Kristen. But when my "fans" speak, I act. So Kristen, my wonderful friend? This post is for you.

An update on Pokemon Boy finds him well, sassy and tic-free. Or at least, if he has any, I'm not noticing them. I kind of feel weird if the Tourette's thing comes up in conversations. When you say, "My son has Tourette's," the reaction is usually much more severe than his illness calls for. Which is really freakin' wonderful, from where I stand. I mean, yah, you don't notice he has Tourette's? Rock on, God! But sometimes, the conversation arises and that statement must be made.

I have made an attempt to not mention it when he's in ear shot. He has told me that, when I mention it, that's when he feels like he needs to tic. He feels that urge. That itch. So, if I don't keep bringing it up, he seems happy enough to ignore whatever urges or itches the TS causes.

The one tic that has never quite gone away is that Spidey-hands thing. No matter what he's doing, if his hands aren't actively engaged in something, his fingers are moving. I wish I could video tape it and post it here. It's not a wildly flailing or conscious wiggling of the fingers. Like I said all those years ago, the only other time I've seen hand/finger movements like this are with severely autistic and mentally retarded adults when I was a teaching student in college. It seems to be one of those physical repetitive movement things that soothes or calms. Pokemon Boy never seems to notice he's doing it. I notice it when I try to hold his hand and his fingers are moving. I notice when he's playing his Nintendo DS and has to balance it on a knee to free a hand for the Spidey-hands thing. It's very minor. It's extremely benign. And if that is how his body is releasing the need to satisfy that TS tic? Go for it.

In other PB news, his stressing over his advanced placement math class seem to be gone. I really wasn't sure if he'd stick it out. Going from coasting through classes with barely an effort to suddenly having to think and work hard - that's a blow to a comfort hound like PB. We worked at it every day. He complained. I encouraged. There were days when the stress was so overwhelming for him, I wanted to just pull him. But then one day, a few months ago, I remember suddenly realizing we hadn't had any issues with it in a long time.

He doesn't come home with all 100s or all As like he used to. That was hard for him at first. His first B nearly undid him. And it wasn't a competitive anger. He was horrified at the thought that I'd be disappointed. I told him that As, Bs and Cs are completely ok in my world. We endured weeks of conversations full of what-ifs. What would I do if he came home with a C minus? What if he had a D? What if he got an F? I have reassured him over and over that, no matter what happens, if it seems like he's taken a dip in grades, we'd sit down and talk about it to figure out why. I have no idea where this constant worry about punishment comes from. I have to tell you, it baffles me. I come down hard on things like hitting or being mean or . . . I can't even think of anything. But I have NEVER ever said anything about a low grade. I've talked about them. But never punished. So I'm not really sure where this worry comes from.

Over this school year, however, I think he's finally learned that grades are just grades in our house. If they're top notch? Awesome! If they're anywhere under that and are passing? Awesome! I want my kids to have a normal childhood. I don't want them stressed because they haven't mastered differential equations in 4th grade.

I'm thrilled pickles over PB's grades. He has had everything from 100s to something in the mid 60s. The first few horrid grades came within a few months of each other. I think it was the beginning of this school year. His lack of focus meant he forgot everything. He'd leave assignments at school. He'd forget finished homework at home. At first, I'd try to call the teacher or hunt down assignments so he could turn them in on time. I'd drive homework to school for him. Wrong approach for this kid. I finally told him, you have to start remembering. We came up with routines and lists. His teachers worked with me on it. We tried everything. He kept leaving stuff.

Finally, I said, ok. From now on, it's up to you to remember your assignments. To bring them home, to do them and to get them back to your teacher. When you don't? You'll get zeros and you'll have to deal with what that does to your grade. It was hard to watch him get some really crappy grades - knowing full well he'd probably have an A+ average if I had just hounded him. So he went from getting the All A Honor Roll to the A/B Honor Roll. Yah, I know. My life's hard. But for a little kid with an anxiety disorder? This was a huge blow.

So it took a while for him to see that the bad grades were his consequences. I didn't give out any more punishments because of the bad grades. After a shaky few weeks of this, he finally started understanding the cause and effect of leaving assignments at school or homework at home. I'm totally proud to say he has hit the A/B Honor Roll every grading period this year. And he's finally ok with that.

Now, having said all that, let me update you on Lil'Bro.

Lil'Bro is doing awesome. But he's been a bit frustrated with a few things lately. Namely, any time he perceives that he could be doing better at something, he gets frustrated.

For example: Reading. Lil'Bro has no idea that PB was reading little words at the age of two and was reading a kinder reader at age 3. I will make sure that little bit of trivia eludes him as long as I can. Lil'Bro is in kindergarten. And in kindergarten, those huge differences between kids abilities are glaringly evident. All those over achieving kids for varying reasons (only kid, first kid, competitive overachieving parents, true genius, whatever) can make the average right-on-track kids feel like they're behind. I had just assumed Lil'Bro was happy with his progress and didn't really ask him about it.

So the other day, we're watching TV and that "Your Baby Can Read" commercial comes on. Don't get me started. I can write an entire series of blog posts on that kind of early education. But as a service to humanity, I won't. Anyway, he watches that and sees these babies reading. He turns to me and asks, "Why didn't you get that for ME?!" I was like...what? I said, "Honey, you weren't interested in letters or things like that. You were interested in crawling, walking, climbing and running." He flatly stated that I should have gotten that for him and resumed watching TV. That exact conversation due to that exact commercial has happened about 4 times now. Gah.

He has also been frustrated with the fact that he isn't Tony Hawk on his skateboard. He's upset that he can't ride a bike yet. The bike thing is all me. We rarely have the time and I rarely have the back muscles. I need to rent a dad to come teach both boys how to ride their bikes.

Anyway, as my mom pointed out, it's awesome that Lil'Bro wants to excel. I think I have sold him short for many years. I saw PB as the cerebral one. I saw Lil'Bro as the physical one. I remember joking years ago that PB would be the NASA scientist and Lil'Bro would be a famous stunt man. As it turns out, Lil'Bro is a budding engineer. He wants to know how everything works. He builds and takes apart. He loves books on how things work. He loves TV shows on everything from Pluto (which is still a planet in THIS house, thank you) to dinosaurs to robots to space to the Bermuda Triangle (although that last one scared him this evening). The kid is bright. Extremely bright. I probably would have picked up on that much earlier had I not been so engrossed in his older brother's combination of Tourette's and genius.

Ah well, I will never win Mother Of The Year except in the eyes of my boys.

I was informed by PB this evening, as I put both boys to bed, that I am the best mom a boy could ever hope for. Or something to that effect. I think I was leaning on the bathroom doorway, waiting for Lil'Bro to finish up and had just let out a big tired sigh. Does PB have timing or what!

Survival Kits by Pokemon Boy

2010-03-03T20:45:00.006-06:00

Monday night, we had an adventure. After picking up the boys from after-school care, we went straight home. We walked into the house through the garage door. My mind doesn't usually register the quick "beep beep beep!" of our house alarm telling us the door opened. But this time, it kept going, "beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep" when we walked in. Pokemon Boy and Lil'Bro came running back toward me going, "WHAT IS THAT?!" Just as I opened my mouth to say, "I don't know," the house alarm went off. Oh my goodness. That thing is LOUD! Shocking and terrifying all at once. The only reason I didn't just wet myself in the kitchen right there and then was because it was still daylight and I knew we'd been having issues with the alarm battery for the last few months.

Anyway, I ran and pushed every button I could think of. Making an extremely long story short-ish, the alarm wouldn't silence. After 5 minutes, the huge alarm stopped. But the control panel near the front door that emits the little "beep beep beep" when doors or windows open was now a non-stop, high-pitched, constant scream. No amount of button pushing changed it. Its volume was almost as deafening as the louder house siren.

The boys were in a mild state of calm panic. Pokemon Boy decided we would not be able to stay in a house with this kind of acoustic pain. He began putting together a backpack full of "everything we would need." I had no idea what he was putting in there. I was annoyed. I couldn't stop this noise and every time I opened the door to let a helpful friend in, the huge alarm went off again.

My wonderful neighbor Mr. S came and disconnected the battery. The alarm kept going. We pulled the screeching siren out of the wall but the wires weren't easily disconnected. We pulled the control panel off the entry wall but those wires were even more complex.

Finally, we abandoned ship. We went to Mr. & Mrs. S's house. They fed us dinner. Our alarm back home blared. As the hours passed and the alarm company didn't call me back as promised, I started wondering where we'd sleep.

After a couple of hours, I went back into the house. I was going to pull every wire out of the wall if I had to. I was going to STOP that noise!!!

I finally got an alarm repair dude on the phone. He walked me through some wiring issues enough to silence the horror. They're coming out to check out a possible wiring problem due to a power surge (thanks to the lightning that day).

After we got home, Pokemon Boy started unpacking his survival kit. Again, I didn't really pay attention. I saw all three of our toothbrushes carefully packed into a Ziploc® bag. It was packed full of a lot of other stuff but I didn't notice what.

Just before heading the boys up to bed, I noticed my chronological bible out on the couch. It's usually on the table by my bed. I asked him, "Hey, what's my bible doing down here?" Pokemon Boy casually replied, "I packed it for you. I figured you'd want it."

As he packed the most important things like Nintendo DSs and precious stuffed animals for his brother and him, he grabbed what he knew I couldn't go without. My bible.

Man, that kid is awesome.

Briefosity (If That's Possible)

2010-02-25T21:22:00.005-06:00

I don't have much profundity. Nothing to expound upon. So here are some sound bites running through my head:

JOB:
I still love my job with no end to the honey moon in site. It took Big Ol' Financial Corp about 16 years to kill the love. I'd say that bodes pretty well for me.

KIDS:
Pokemon Boy is doing well. No tics in sight. His anxiety over his advanced math class seems to be gone. Pretty normal school days now. Lil'Bro is right on track. He's starting to read little books to me. They've both adjusted to the schedule forced upon us by my new out-of-the-house job. Pokemon Boy has recently told me on two separate occasions that he's glad I'm raising him. Not sure where that is coming from but I'll take it!

FAMILY:
We've had some big scares with aunts and uncles. I'm "of a certain age" now where the generation before me has big scary medical things. I won't go in to details here as I think it's pretty private stuff. But lots of loved ones are on my prayer list for health issues.

LOCAL:
A very sad and broken man flew a single engine plane into a 7 story corporate building in Austin a week ago today. It was 10am which means all the businesses were in full swing. Somehow, only one person - aside from the pilot - was killed. That's one person too many. But let's be honest - it's a complete and utter miracle that it wasn't a blood bath. Lots of stories like my good friend's step-dad. He should have been in that building. But he randomly stopped for a haircut that morning. A sad and (in my humble opinion) disgusting note is that some skeevy lawyer for the widow of the one victim is suing the wife of the dead pilot. Some ridiculous nonsense about how she should have known and warned authorities. Unless he told her his plans and she didn't act? I don't know what person in this world would EVER think their spouse - no matter how disturbed - could do something like this. I may have a very uninformed limited view. But this lawyer needs to really step out of himself and watch his press release. He needs to see it like the rest of us do. It's disgusting and I hope the judge tosses it out the window. The lawyer with it.

OLYMPICS:
Oh my GOODness, I love the Olympics. I'm so sad for the family of the guy that died on his last practice run on the luge. That was horrific. But I am SO angry at NBC. The night of the opening ceremony, I tuned in early for all the pre-glitz stuff. With my 9 and 6 yr olds watching, they open by showing the video of the poor kid flying off the luge track, hitting the pole and basically dying right there. I watched thinking, "They can't be showing this!" At 6:30pm central, no less. Lil'Bro watched, froze, and said, "Did he just die?" Are you kidding me?!!! Did anyone at NBC consider the emotional impact to their viewers? Did they consider his family's wishes? The Olympic broadcast later made a point of stating they would NOT show the video. But NBC had already done it. And I'd like to shake the snot out of whomever thought that was a good choice for dinner time viewing. Brainless gits.

But aside from the brainless gits, how MUCH do I love curling? And how MUCH do I love speed skating? While curling is completely cerebral and relaxing with only moments of tension as I watch the stone slowly make its way down the ice, speed skating is really keeping my blood pressure at deadly levels! Oh my goodness! As soon as they start, my fists are up under my chin and my head is going further and further back. I can barely breathe until they're done!

I will be happy to watch Heroes again once the Olympics are done. I miss my Peter Petrelli.

Valentine Schmalentine

2010-02-13T11:21:00.005-06:00

I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. It is one of those holidays that is usually only good if you have deluded yourself that you're "in love" as I did about every 4 seconds in high school. Back then, I'd send a gazillion carnations in hopes that maybe ONE would come my way that I wasn't expecting. Or would come my way, PERIOD. So in the early days of emotional delusion and low self esteem, it was a yearly study in shattered hopes.

When I got older, I saw it as a waste of money. Why flowers would suddenly rocket in price for the week before was insane to me. It seemed like a crazy waste. When I worked in a local rock club in Boston, that day saw pretty much the same losers getting drunk and hitting on anything breathing. And the same girls crying in the bathroom. Although, thinking about it, that was really a nightly repeating event. But it was more dramatic on Valentine's day.

When I was happily married, neither of us were big on the holiday. We liked to waste money, don't get me wrong. But not because some holiday told us to. So we usually just bought some extra chocolate to gorge on and treated it as just another day.

The last Valentine's Day as a married person was normally uneventful. Unfortunately, in my post-divorce digging, I found that beaucoup of my own dollars had been spent to send his girl thing flowers from the most expensive florist in Boston. So apparently, Valentine's Day is exciting when you're sneaking around and using someone else's money.

You can see how my history (especially the recent history) has created a perpetual disgusted smirk at the mention of the holiday.

Now, when I get a hold of myself and shake off the cynicism and bitterness, I actually like this holiday. And I'll tell you why. Because of relationships and marriages of people in my life that are truly committed for the long haul. They are amazingly in love. They plow through the hard times. They work hard so that any fractures in their relationship are fixed and the foundation stays whole. None of them are perfect and they don't have delusions that they ever will be. But their commitment is rock solid. A sad rarity in today's world - especially the western world.

This week, many Facebookers are posting a status akin to the following: "To celebrate Valentines Day, change your profile picture to you and your spouse/significant other and make sure to tell how long you've been together! Copy and paste this to your profile. [Significant Other] and I have been together for xx wonderful years!"

The first one I saw was my cousin who has been married 22 years. I loved it and hated it all at once. I thought of all the snarky responses I could put. Like a picture of The Ex and his girl thing saying they'd been together for 4 years. My anger is a nasty little beast.

But as I saw more and more of them, I realized, wow. I should be excited and supportive of all of these people who are working to shatter the statistics.

One that particularly thrilled me is my wonderful aunt Brenda. The picture of her and awesome uncle Larry stated they'd been together for 36 years. What is especially encouraging here is that Brenda lived the heart ache of divorce as a young mom. God sent her Larry. He has been the most wonderful uncle. He has been the best dad to my cousins. He has been the most fabulous husband to my aunt. I forget that this was Brenda's second marriage. Because God sent the perfect man to her and seems to have wiped all the awful memories from the general collective memory.

So when the demise of my marriage began, Brenda was one of the people I turned to. And during some of the most painful heart ache - the kind where you actually start thinking you won't physically survive the pain? I would sit there and tell God, "OK...I can wait. I know you'll see me my 'Larry' some day."

My new office mate was laughing with me yesterday. I was telling her how I wrestle with being happy for everyone on this holiday and being a total snarky bitch about it. She said, you know, some day, you'll have that guy God sent and you'll be sitting right there in that chair going, "I can't believe I actually hated Valentine's Day!" She said she can't wait for that day so she can tease me mercilessly. HA!

So I'm snarky and cynical still. I enjoy small periods of that. But in all honesty, I am very very happy for the real love stories out there. And there are a TON. Happy Valentine's Day to all of my friends who have been blessed with real love.

Oh, and you want to see my current Facebook status picture? The response to the whole "post your wonderful picture" thing? Here it is:Caption: "To celebrate Valentines Day, change your profile picture to you and your spouse/significant other and make sure to tell how long you've been together! Copy and paste this to your profile. Clive and I have secretly been together for YEARS! Here I am crashing his photo shoot for the King Arthur movie back in 2004. Oh those were heady times!"

Goodbye Idol

2010-02-11T17:24:00.000-06:00

Well, David Pittman is out. But that's ok. He did himself proud.

American Idol 2010

2010-02-07T19:45:00.003-06:00

I haven't had time to watch American Idol this season. I generally don't like the initial auditions as I think there is a huge level of disgusting exploitation of some very sad and needy people. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I watched one of my kids get reamed by those initial shows.

Having said that, every now and then, the producers get it right by focusing on someone exceptional. A friend turned me on to the fact that a kid with Tourette's made it through to Hollywood. Tonight, I finally had the time to Google it and found some video of his audition.

If you missed it, Dave Pittman wow'd the judges at the Dallas auditions. Whether or not he has Tourette's, he's good. Now, I just hope he's judged fairly and doesn't get voted through out of pity.

The point they keep making is that his tics totally disappear when he sings. This is very common, actually. I wish I could figure out the brain. But it seems that when most folks with TS are focused on something they love, the tics are minimized or disappear altogether. In the video, I do see some facial tics when he's singing. But they are minimized significantly.

His facial tics and clearing of the throat give you a good idea of how Pokemon Boy can look at times.

I love seeing people with Tourette's have a good shake in the media. Dave seems like a good kid. He's talented. He's also giving a good face to Tourette's. I hope he does well.

The Job Honeymoon

2010-02-06T21:30:00.000-06:00

Oh my goodness. I have no time any more. I mean, I have no time to sit and blog the way I used to. Where I can put together some funny and well thought out missive about whatever was on my mind that day. I can barely remember my name. Let me go see what my last entry was and try to update you. What a boring blog. Updates. Meh.

Oh dear. Almost a month.

I still love my job. It's been almost 2 months now. My boss has been cracking up at my over-the-top "I'm so happy to have a job" attitude. Once, we were having a discussion in my office with BossMan and AwesomeTrainerLady. The discussion started kind of hinting at some upcoming stressful times. He looked at me for my reaction. After a pause, I shot both hands up in the air and yelled, "WOO HOO!!! I HAVE A JOB!!!" He cracked up.

I admit, the honey moon is coming to a close. But it's still early in the marriage and I'm still in love. That's my allegory. Sue me.

So far, nothing has changed my opinion that I'm part of a team made up of cream-o-the-crop talent. It's a heads-down kind of place that somehow gets all the work done in only 8 hrs a day. And as I walk the halls, I know not every group is like that. So I appreciate the lack of chit chat from my group and the commitment to getting it done. They're kind, generous with their time and knowledge, funny and can work circles around some of their peers.

Don't get me wrong, there are moments where we exchange stories and get to know each other. But we "git 'er done" in our group. And I'm totally psyched to be part of that. Being able to work for two people that you really respect is awesome, too. The AwesomeTrainerLady is tops, too. Not only am I learning from someone who is awesome at her job, but I'm making a very cool friend there, too.

So right now, it's all good.

Oh! And get THIS - wanna talk about God rockin' more favors! Since I only worked part of December, my first paycheck on Jan 1st was only a partial. So I still didn't know exactly how much I was going to clear after taxes and benefits, etc. I had an estimate in my head based on how most of my last paychecks had gone for...oh...say...22 years. I took the salary amount and took away a third. So I was trying to make a budget based on a much smaller amount than I'm used to. No matter how I cut things, I was still in the red. I was starting to look at cutting out some things I was not going to easily let go of. I was a bit stressed because I thought, man, how will I ever save up an emergency account if I can only put away a teeny bit every month (IF THAT)?!

So at some point, when it really started eating at me too much, I said, "OK God. I really need your help with this. I need you to make this money work for me. Somehow make this amount work for me." And then I let it go. Not perfectly, mind you. I fretted here and there about it. But for the month of January, I pretty much let it go. So on Feb 1st, my first full paycheck went into my bank account. It was $800 more than I had hoped! I mean, SERIOUSLY?! How much does that rock? I sat there at my computer looking at it going, "God you really do ROCK. Thank you SO much!!!!"

And then, I paid a bunch of bills yesterday. I got ready to pay my expensive Cobra coverage (until my new work coverage kicks in on April 1st). I went to the Cobra site ready to pay the $400 and change. I pulled up the site and it said I was paid until March 31st. This is an awesome fluke of timing due to paying full price and when the boys' coverage was moved over to the new plan. So I didn't have to pay this month!!! I might actually put some into savings this month!

It really does blow my mind how much God cares about the little things. I never grew up thinking God was interested in the day to day minutiae of our lives. I mean, with all the global issues around, you kind of think your piddly concerns aren't worthy of his attention. I'm so glad God sent some people to me back in 2005 to kind of set me straight on that point. So yah, there is some really huge global stuff going on right now. And trust me - I pray for that. But I love that my God will listen to my piddly stuff. And he'll take the time to help me with it even while he's keeping people alive in the rubble of an earthquake. He's good like that.

Awesome And Scattered

2010-01-15T21:05:00.002-06:00

An update for the new year. That's what I've promised you. The two of you that read this (Hi Uncle Dan!). It's gonna be a bit all over the place. Some awesome things are happening and some stressful times are hitting. It never comes when scheduled, does it!

Let me go look to see what my last real update was. Hold on...

Oh yah. We'll start with the good stuff. So yah, the JOB! Woo hoo! I've been working at the new job since Dec 14th. I still love it. Today, my project manager was amused at my gung-ho Pollyanna "I love my job" attitude. He said, "Don't worry. We'll crush your soul eventually." Not a chance. If my last job couldn't, it ain't gonna happen. So on the job front: awesome job description, awesome coworkers, awesome bosses, awesome project. Yah. I'm diggin' it. Also, they're slowly being exposed to and getting used to my humor. Mwah ha ha ha ha!

New Years was nice and mellow. The Ex was in town to visit the boys. We hung out more than my family would probably want. We are friendly and get along. God has been working some amazing forgiveness into my heart. Also, some compassion. You know, when someone crashes and burns their life - even if it takes a large chunk of yours with it for a while - it's never fun to watch. And the boys love him. So we hung a few times.

The strange thing about hanging with The Ex is our attempts at talking. It doesn't always work but we have been slowly trying to find resolution on as many issues that contributed to our demise as possible. Any of you divorced people know that's a rare thing. Even if the desire to try to find some closure is there, it rarely ever happens. We had some good talks. We have both been able to bring a few things to the table, lay them out, own up to them and apologize. It's not perfect. I can't say I never flare up and toss a few digs at him. But there is a slow process of communication going on here that I know doesn't often happen between exes. And I appreciate it. Just knowing he's not a complete evil horror show is helpful.

My brain is a bit fried right now. I'm not quite used to my new work schedule. I am up between 5-5:30am each morning (and I am NOT a morning person). The boys get up at 6am now - an hour early for them. And the not-morning-person thing is apparently genetic. But we'll adjust eventually.

School is going well. They have their moments. Pokemon Boy had some struggles with going back after winter break. Also, every time his dad visits and then leaves, he has a rough week or two. Hopefully we're over all of that.

We have a lot of family illnesses and injuries happening all at once. I am not really in a frame of mind to go into the details. But there is a LOT of prayer going on in our family at the moment. And of course, prayers for Haiti dominate a lot of my time.

I'm really way too scattered to make this any kind of interesting. I promise to be a bit more coherent and linear in my next post.

Smooches, y'all.

An Aside: My Friend Joe

2010-01-09T15:31:00.004-06:00

I have promised a new year update to quite a few of you. I promise I will update soon. But right now, I want to introduce you to a wonderful friend of mine. I don't know if I've ever posted about all my efforts with acupuncture back in 1998 through 2001. The very brief version of the story goes like this:

I was sick ALL the time. I would use all vacation & sick time due to bladder, bronchial and/or sinus infections. I caught every cold, flu or whatever that floated around. I thought it was just my lot.

In 1998, a coworker pointed me to a doctor that had cure chronic bladder infections for his wife. But it was an acupuncturist. Back in 1998, I liked to think I was open minded. Well, like most people, I was open to anything that fit in my small life parameters. Acupuncture was snake oil to me. Fake. A waste of time and/or money. I poo poo'd my friend's information.

A few months later, after one or more bladder infections every month, I asked this guy, "So...what was that doctor's name again?"

Ok, I'm not being brief. I went to Doctor Joe. I was expecting a short Asian dude. I got a tall white guy. I thought it wouldn't work because I didn't believe in it. Thankfully, I was wrong. Joe educated me about the natural electrical currents that run through our bodies. They are supposed to run in certain pathways. When something whacks one or more out of alignment, it can affect the flow of others. So if these electrical currents get out of whack, they can cause any kind of problem. That sounded less hokey pokey to me than I had expected. So, the needles are used to realign the currents into their necessary pathways. That's my take on it. That's "Acupuncture As Explained By A Moron" take on it.

Joe also changed my nutritional intake. Everything you put in your body should be thought of just like any drug you'd take. Everything affects your body in different ways. Even foods. And some things should be cut out for certain illnesses and other things increased. And this changes as your body changes.

So with hard-core nutritional changes (which were the hardest thing I've ever done) and hard-core acupuncture treatments for two years, my body began to get fixed. Not only did my bladder infections disappear (along with all my other recurring infections), my reproductive issues were addressed (I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids), some debilitating head pains disappeared, and I got crazy healthy. I lost 25 lbs in 8 months without changing my exercise. I had energy. I was off antibiotics (which I had taken daily for almost 30 yrs).

Two children I wasn't supposed to be able to have later, I was in great shape.

In 2004 or 2005, I slowly rolled off the wagon and returned to my American diet. Not horribly so. But slowly adding things back in that would undo all the hard work. Here in 2010, I have started experiencing a resurgence of various bacterial infections that I haven't had since 1999. I'm also overweight again. I know why. I know what I need to do.

But anyway, the person that helped me take this journey into a healthy lifestyle was my friend Doctor Joe. He also treated Pokemon Boy as a newborn due to his renal reflux. Pokemon Boy amazed his doctors during those first 4 years because he grew (kidney problems can stunt growth) and his kidneys didn't show damage until he was 3 (which is amazing). Even then, the damage was so minimal, we could have left it alone for a long time and have been fine.

I haven't found another acupuncturist here in Texas. I doubt I could find anyone I'd trust like Doctor Joe. He wasn't just a two-year graduate of some acupuncture school. He studied in Oregon - where this practice really took off in the U.S. He studied in China. He had YEARS of schooling under his belt. And years of amazing successes.

Doctor Joe is an awesome guy. I had referred quite a few people to him when I was in Boston. A few were brave enough to try something new and found healthy lives where they had never had success before.

Doctor Joe recently retired from practice because of his own life events which include his own battle with cancer. I keep in touch with him but he's a very very busy single dad since his wife passed away in recent years.

I love Doctor Joe and pray for him regularly. He helped me so much in my physical life, I keep asking God to somehow repay him for me since all I can do is say "thank you." And that seems so inadequate for the friendship, encouragement and physical healing Doctor Joe gave me.

If you want to read more about my amazing friend, I've just put a link in my left-hand column, just under my little-girl picture. Feel free to go read about my friend. And if you're the praying sort, he sure could use some prayers.

A Blitzkrieg Christmas Update

2009-12-26T20:26:00.016-06:00

Sorry for the lack of posting. For the two of you actually reading this, that is.

The job continues to rock. I go in every day, driving down the highway saying, "Thank you for such an awesome job, God!" The people continue to be nothing but awesome. I have no illusions that they're perfect. But they rock and that's evident. So I continue training, reading, starting out some documentation. It's all good.

So after one whole week of work (and only 40 hours, mind you!), I got a 2-day work week for Christmas! Same thing for New Year's week. Only two days. I was joking with my new coworkers going, "Whew! I really NEED a vacation!"

We had Lil'Bro's big birthday party on the Friday before Christmas. We had a great turnout and he had a blast. The next day, most people were leaving or prepping for Christmas so I think we lucked out picking Friday.

Because of my new job in the city, I knew I'd never get up home in time to get the boys to the party in time. So mom picked up the cake and brought that (and the gift bags) to the party place. Then my awesome friend TJ (the one that was recently in the hospital with that scary lung infection) picked up the boys and took them to the party. I got there just in time and everything went perfectly! Thank goodness for awesome family & friends!

I've had a tummy bug all Christmas week. I never yarfed. But felt like it. It's like constant car sickness - I'm hungry but everything I look at makes me nauseated.

My awesome mom watched my boys on Mon & Tue while I worked. On Monday, Pokemon Boy ended the day hurking. He spent that night at my mom's house getting up to yarf about 5 times. Then on Tuesday, mom was driving dad to a doctor's appointment - boys in tow. Lil'Bro announced he didn't feel well and christened the back of mom's minivan. Man, talk about un-fun. She dropped dad off and took the boys home to clean them and the minivan up. Poor mom! She called my awesome neighbor, MissK, and asked her to pick dad up at the doctor. And if I haven't mentioned it before, my neighbors ROCK. She drove over and picked up my dad - no problem. Later, I thanked her and she said, "Hey, that's what we do, right? We help each other." Right on, MissK. Right on.

On the way home from Grandma's, Lil'Bro decided to wear his bucket like this:
Prompting Pokemon Boy to wear his similarly:
Both of the boys and I have been nauseated off and on the whole week. We have moments where we eat normal and then feel like punk. We went to church for Christmas Eve candle light service. I told the boys not to touch babies and to wash their hands all the time. We didn't eat much but loved the service and fellowship of our awesome church family.

Stockings and Santa gifts all set for the next morning.

We were functional enough to have Christmas. That was awesome. But during the present opening, my sinus headache turned to migraine. I caught it with meds just in time, I guess. I napped for 2 hrs while mom again watched the boys. It stayed at a dull roar for the rest of the day until about 8pm. Good times. But like I said - I was functional. Not very. But it could have been WAY worse.

The boys opening their stockings.

Mom & dad avoided the tummy bug (thank you, God!) but mom developed a sinus infection that really knocked her out. So we were all almost on empty.

Today, the boys and I went to use some of their Christmas money and/or gift cards. Then grocery shopping. When we got home, the boys played outside for a while. Now, we're all kind of low and void of color. It will pass. We're just low. Not miserable.

But even with all the pseudo-sick, we had a very relaxed and stress-free Christmas.

Oh - and I'm sick of being nauseated. So I have broken down and taken the advice of my aunt Brenda. My mom's two sisters and their kids swear by the remedy of cider vinegar for tummy bugs. When she first told me to try it, even ice water made me want to puke. So I didn't try it. But today I was tired of this. So I called her and said, "Ok...exactly what do I do?" So while my aunt played Wii, she told me to take a tablespoon of cider vinegar, mix it with a little water and swig it down. Which I did. Not as awful as I expected. I don't know if it's doing anything yet. We'll see. I'm still bloated from who knows what. It seems that any sugar/carb based anything seems to feed whatever bug this is and I bloat painfully. So I sit here typing this with a distended belly.

Ok, I'm off to watch more cartoons with my boys and then get them to bed. I still have to prep the watermelon and cantaloupe for church tomorrow.

Smooches, y'all.

The New Job (A Day Late)

2009-12-15T21:53:00.004-06:00

This should have been posted yesterday. But it was crazy and exhausting so I'm posting it today. I'm also cheating by cutting and pasting what I put on Facebook. Sue me.

Monday, Day 1:
Dudes, I hope you appreciate this. I am so friggin' tired. And sore. But very happy. I put down the iPod, got out of bed, fired up the computer and am typing this update because I can't type this much with two fingers.

I woke up at 5:15am. Unless you know me, you really can't appreciate the miracle here. I am not a morning person. I'm not sure who invented mornings. But they were mean and hateful. I got my kids up 50 minutes before they normal get up. And this, after a late (but awesome) night at church.

I dropped the boys off at day care at 6:30am. The boys weren't thrilled about it but they are troopers. They know "mom has a job" trumps "I hate early mornings".

I left the day care around 6:45am which misses the hellish rush hour. I made it downtown by 7:15am. I parked on the 8th floor of a state employee parking lot which I thought had no elevators (this will come to play later).

I got to the orientation conference room at 7:33am - way early. A really cool lady dragged me into her office saying, "Tell me who you are, where you came from and what you're going to be doing here!" She rocked. She must have had like 17 cups of coffee. She was from NYC so we bonded on the north-eastern-chicks-rock thing.

Orientation started at 8am and went to about 11am. We got a quick tour of the building which included some huge room where they were prepping a Christmas party - complete with amazing smelling BBQ!

11:30am - my new boss came to get me for lunch. And proceeds to take me to the afore mentioned really amazing smelling BBQ room. So on my first day, I got to participate in the IT Christmas party. Sweeeeeeeet!

Later, I had to register my car for the free state employee parking (woot!). So I ran up the 8 flights of stairs in the parking lot to get my registration from my car. Well, I ran up about 5 flights and then pretty much dragged myself up the last 3, gasping like the out of shape suburban mom I am.

The rest of the orientation lasted until about 4:00pm. Complete with a video outlining one of the agency's procedures. All my former Big Financial Corporation coworkers will enjoy conjuring visions of all of the "superbly acted" corporate education videos we endured. Seriously, the kids in the Peanuts cartoons can read their lines better than these. It was a hoot. It had this horrid screeching string quartet as the "incidental music". The poor instructor looked like he was going to put knitting needles through his ears. He said he has to listen to that video EVERY Monday. He's a musician and now refuses to play his own violin. HA! Anyway, made me recall many hours of corporate videos over the last 22 years.

I got to see my new...um...office...er...desk...er...converted supply closet ala 'Office Space'. I think tomorrow, I will bring my own stapler and clutch it to my chest all day.

I don't really care. They created a space for me. I share this little supply closet with two other people. The one I met is awesome. I asked her if she was ok with me bringing in my 'Precious Moments' figurines and could she help me figure out where to place them. She laughed hard which gives me great hope.

Also, my new boss is super nice. When I would tell people who I was working for, they'd all go, "Oh he is like the nicest guy!" And apparently knows his stuff. I'm told my new PM is quick thinking, very focused and doesn't like excuses or drama (those last two are his words). I told him I just finished swimming in a shark tank. I can hack it. We'll see if I can still swim.

Everyone I met today seems really nice. I'm sure there are the usual mix of characters and personalities.

The benefits rock. Health, dental, wellness initiatives, optional life and all that stuff. The official state holidays we get off are great. Plus, they just this year started giving "early release" days on a schedule. So you can know that you'll be released after 4 hrs on, say, Dec 23rd. So you can actually PLAN something in stead of being told 3 seconds before it happens. VERY cool.

Clothes are "business casual" but on Fridays, it's "jeans and tennies". I'm quoting. I'm not sure I own "tennies" but my pink Chucks will have to suffice.

I have not been around an IT group this calm in...well...EVER. There are stress times, don't get me wrong. But not like the sweat shops most of me and my IT pals are used to. They don't like you to work OT. If you do, you get COMP TIME! What is THAT about?! I told them, I just finished working for a company that thinks working 40 hrs a week is slacking. Can you imagine? I'm in heaven.

Oh and here's a chuckle: So when I left for the day, I walked up those 8 flights of stairs again. I was dying. As I drove out of the parking lot, I pass a big sign on the wall: "ELEVATOR-->". DOH!!!

So...day one is done. It's a 12 hr day for my boys. That's my only regret. But they'll get used to it and I will make sure the weekends are family time. They're going to let me work 7:30a-4p with a 30 min lunch. I opted for 30 mins in stead of an hour so I could leave and miss the worst of the rush hour and have more time with the kids doing homework and such.

I think this is going to rock. I'll let you know.

Tue, Day 2:
I'm still loving it. I'm being introduced to a gazillion people and only remember about 3. I'm doing a lot of reading and getting overviews from people. Everyone is being extremely generous with their time. Their tools & software are a bit different but similar to what I've used before. So nothing (so far) is making me think I'm out of my element. I just want to do a really good job. This state agency is one of the best. So I want to help by adding to the "cream of the crop" thing.

The funniest adjustment for me today was returning to Windows after a year on a Mac. Outlook is way different since I last used it in...oh...when did we can that? Maybe 2002? But hey, if that's the worst of it, I'll do ok.

All in all - WOO HOO!!!

Thanks to everyone for praying for me. Thanks for all of the encouraging notes on here or in emails. Thanks for the text messages and phone calls today. I did see everyone's texts today but couldn't really justify replying ("Hi, I know it's my first day but let me just reply to my friend..."). And tonight, my bro-in-law and niece just got in so I went from work to day care to my mom & dad's house. Then I got home and tossed the boys in bed. I was in bed before 9pm. But decided to come down and type all of this for those that care for way too many details.

You all rock. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing cheering section!

A Christmas Miracle for Donnie!

2009-12-12T17:52:00.005-06:00

Back in May, I told you guys about a friend of a friend named Donnie. He's my age (so mid-40s) and has lived this long with Cystic Fibrosis. Not many people from my generation with CF made it past 20. So he's a miracle already.

Since May, Donnie's lungs have worsened. The prospect of a transplant happening in Boston was getting more and more bleak. His doctors were suggesting he head to Pittsburgh where they do many more lung transplants. So this was what everyone was gearing up for.

Prayers for Donnie were recently renewed and/or stepped up. I know in my case, I started pestering God hard-core!

This morning, I logged on to Facebook to find an update from my friend Michelle saying Donnie had been called in for a transplant and was in surgery!!! Oh my GOODNESS!!! I mean, seriously, what are the odds?!

Since this morning, his family has posted that he made it through the surgery well. I think he's off a ventilator already which is amazing. He will be in a medically induced coma for a week or so so that his new lungs can adjust.

Here's a picture his mom snapped through the glass. It makes it so real for me and - even with all the machines in there - it is the most beautiful and hopeful image!

Right now, we're all praying big time. He still has recovery and possible rejection to deal with. I have no doubt God kept him alive all this time and will carry him through this!

Michelle also very wisely reminded me that we should pray for the donor family. Here we are all out of our minds excited that Donnie is receiving these miracle lungs right before Christmas. This is wonderful news. But when we pause a minute, we remember that these miracle lungs had to come from someone who died. And right before the holidays.

I hope that donor family knows that their loved one's donation is saving a life and bringing untold joy to his whole family. I'm hoping that maybe all of the other donor's organs are also saving other people.

Such a mix of emotions when you look at the big picture. But it renews my desire to donate any of my viable parts when I pass.

Thank you God.

The Job Has Been Approved! WOOT!

2009-12-07T17:49:00.004-06:00

So I officially have a job. Well...I guess it's not official until I sign a bunch of papers with HR some time later this week. But today I received the call that the job offer was approved by all levels of approver type people and I'll be hearing from HR soon.

I cannot TELL you what a huge relief this is. This is - in my humble opinion - God rockin' a huge year of blessing. Wanna see?

I was laid off in January and took the summer off to hang with my kids.
I used my time off to hone my resume writing & figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up.
I only started looking for a job (for real) in August.
The average job search takes 4 months and mine only took a smidge over that.
I only used my "networking" skills twice - which all the outplacement people tell me should have been the kiss of death.
I applied to about 102 jobs through a myriad of different online job search engines.
I probably only got phone interviews for 4 of those jobs.
My severance lasted until...well...it would have run out in this next January.
I've kept my house.
I've paid off all non-house debt.
I've been able to fund birthdays for two boys this year.
I've been able to fund a pretty decent Christmas.
I have been able to both tithe and give out of my surplus all year long.
Even when things looked bleak and my hope waned, I knew I had friends and family that would risk our friendships by letting us move in (if the worst case happened).
All the while, I received phone calls, emails, Facebook comments, etc., from friends, family and blogger pals telling me they were praying. Telling me it would work out. Encouraging me to never give up. I cannot TELL you how much that part mattered. If you prayed and encouraged me? I am asking God to heap huge gobs of blessings on you and your family.

I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been scared out of my mind at times. But God never left me. Even when I doubted and asked him just what the heck he was doing.

So God has rocked me a state job with some pretty cool people. And in a state agency that helps the schools. An actual job I like to do, in a city I love, for a company that I feel good about.

I'm not sure how many times I can keep saying God rocks. But he does!

I Have A Job! ...I think...

2009-12-03T07:56:00.002-06:00

I've been a bit busy. Thanksgiving was awesome. I hosted my parents, BigSis and her TallGuy. Not having to work is the key to a stress-free Thanksgiving. Or at least it is for me.

The week before Thanksgiving week, I had an interview for a job. Like all of my other interviews, it went well. And like all of the other times, I didn't get my hopes up. I have spent the last few weeks, admitting to God that I'm terrified and full of doubt and really am wondering just what it is He's doing with this whole situation. I fluctuate between absolute faith and thinking he must be teaching me some lesson where I'll have to walk through fire. But I found that finally telling God that I'm really scared and having trouble trusting him helped. Kind of got that guilty feeling off my chest.

So for the week of Thanksgiving, I didn't worry about it.

When this past Monday rolled around, however, I had trouble motivating. I couldn't face having to apply for jobs I didn't want. I couldn't face reading through job listings going, "Oh, I've already applied for that one." So I did what any strong person would do. I climbed back in bed and hid under the covers. If I'm asleep, I can't worry or feel guilty. I ignored my constantly vibrating cell phone. And when my house phone rang, I almost didn't get up to answer it. Almost.

I answered the phone to hear the nice man who interviewed me last week. He proceeded to tell me how well I had done in the interview and subsequent test. And would I like the job? Hmmm...would I like a job...let me think about that one. I nearly screamed! Yes! I'll take it! He told me a little bit about it and could I fax him this or that. I honestly don't remember what he said because I was busy silently jumping up and down.

I called my parents. I called BigSis. I posted it on Facebook. Everyone I knew was informed within the hour.

But I may have jumped the gun.

You see, when they offer you the job, it would seem that you have the job. Not so. When they offer you the job, you have said you would like the job. Then they have to see if upper management will approve it. This is where one previous job offer tanked on me a few weeks ago. When I realized this, my heart kind of sank again. But not too horribly. God's got it. This one really does seem like it's a done deal. But until I have it in stone, I'm not counting any chickens.

Yesterday, I went in to meet with my potential future 2nd-level manager. It went well, I think. So hopefully the approval process has moved up to the two people above him. They wanted me to start this coming Monday. I'm not sure they can get the approvals and paper work done in time. But I'm operating on the assumption that, come Monday, I will be sitting in traffic, honing my road rage skills.

So...I have a job! Kinda...

Spoiler Alert!

2009-11-23T19:21:00.005-06:00

Do not read this if you believe in Santa.

Many moons ago, The Ex and I decided that we'd let the boys believe in Santa as long as they wanted. But if they ever ask outright, we'd tell them the truth.

When Pokemon Boy was little - like somewhere around two and a half - he visited a mall with a professional Santa. A few days later, he saw another Santa. Totally different. When the man said hi in character, my little 2 yr old genius recoiled, pointed and said, "You're not Santa."

Around the age of three, he asked if Santa was real. We told him, no, he's not. He's a nice concept and it's fun to be generous and pretend. I don't really recall what we said. He was very ok with the answer. So we assumed that Christmas, we'd be Santa-free. But as Christmas rolled around, he kept asking how Santa would get in (we had no fire place). How would he find us (we had just moved to a different town). The Ex and I just shrugged and went along with his selective memory.

He was five when we moved to Texas. That year, he asked again and again we told him Santa wasn't real. That one took. But we told him how we like to pretend and still leave cookies out, etc. It didn't ruin anything for him. He still loves his stocking. He still loves his big Santa gift by the fire place.

SO...along comes Lil'Bro. As we kept the myth alive for Lil'Bro, PB would mention Santa-type things and give me a wink. My co-conspirator. Too funny.

Last week, Lil'Bro asked me, "Mom, is Santa real?" I asked, "Do you really want to know?" "Yes," he replied. PB came closer - preparing to do some damage control. "Well, honey," I began, "no. Santa is not real." Lil'Bro's face blanched. A look of pain brought his eyebrows together. A little piece of my heart broke. Oh man, look what you've done. I answered so matter-of-factly. PB had no issues either time we told him. He was like, "Hmm...interesting." Not so with Lil'Bro.

Both PB and I tried to reassure Lil'Bro that it's ok and how we can still pretend and it doesn't change any part of the holiday, etc. His pained look didn't change. I said, "Are you ok with this?" He shook his head. "I just want Santa to be real," he said in the saddest little voice. I said, "Honey, you can believe whatever you want."

A few minutes passed. Then Lil'Bro started asking PB and me questions about Santa. So apparently, he decided to discard the painful and unacceptable information. I can respect that. Sorry. I don't like that information. I'll just put that right over here [plunk] and move on.

So the week has passed with many questions about how Santa makes it all the way around the world in one night. How does he know which presents go to which house. How does he get in with no chimney.

When he's ready for the spoiler, he can ask again.

A Rough Week for Pokemon Boy

2009-11-21T20:58:00.005-06:00

Pokemon Boy is an awesome kid. He's loving, empathetic, creative and silly. Unfortunately, he inherited a double sided whammy of anger and worry. Both his father and I have had our issues with temper tantrums. Some as kids, some as adults. And we're both pretty big worriers.

This week, PB has gotten his Nintendo DS and computer put off limits for 4 days. Then two more days were added. Then he got grounded for the first time ever. For a week. He will also have to do some kind of "community service". He'll help his teacher after school on Monday for one piece of it. And for the other, I'm not sure. I'm toying with having him pick up the dog poop from a neighbor's yard.

This is just a ton to dole out in a week. At least for PB. He very rarely does things that actually require consequences beyond losing his DS for a day.

The first incident came on Monday. He was told to put away the laptop in class. When he didn't, a friend started to do it for him. The friend didn't realize that turning off the laptop just lost PB's unsaved work. PB lost his cool and pushed the friend, yelling "I wasn't done with that!" The email I got said he hit the friend. But in school, pushing or hitting, it ain't cool. So that lost the gaming screen time (DS/computer) for 4 days.

On Wednesday, he had to skip recess to make up 2 assignments that he had forgotten and left in his desk. When his teacher told him he'd have to work through recess, he had a big anger thing. It was bad enough where she had to escort him to the library for study time (he usually goes on his own with no problem). So for this one, it was two fold. We've been working on remembering to bring things to and from school. Nothing was working so a month ago, we agreed that, for each assignment or thing he forgets to bring home or take to school, he'd lose gaming time for a day. Since this was involving two assignments he left in his desk, he got the added 2 days of no gaming screen time. For pitching a fit that required his teacher to escort him to study time, he is doing the "community service" of helping her in her classroom after school on Monday. I actually think he'll have fun doing it. But he's worried about it so it fits the consequence bill for me.

Then, Friday, he told me that he had another physical altercation with a classmate. It was the classic "Hey, I was here first" thing when getting lined up. PB actually thinks he may have been wrong so he felt doubly bad about it. But he ended up shoving the classmate. And this just after we'd had a talk about this. I told him that, since we had just addressed this in the same week and the gaming loss wasn't driving it home, I grounded him for a week. In my house, laying hands on another kid in anger will not fly. You can call me wimpy or over-reactive. Knock yourself out. But in my house? Boys will be boys. Boy will NOT be little hooligans.

I watch little boys pummel each other on the playgrounds all the time. In school, too. I know teachers ignore quite a bit of it. But I also see an unspoken agreement between those boys. It's part of their play. But PB is not a pummel-player. We have never allowed anger-based hitting or pushing. I would never allow another kid to do it to either of my boys. I certainly won't wave this off when he's pushing another kid just because he can't control his frustration.

We talked a long time about how the gifted math program is stressing him out. I asked if anything else was stressing him out - waiting to see if he mentioned missing dad or my being out of work. But in his conscious mind, the advanced math is what's frustrating and stressing him out the most. I do wonder, though.

My brother-in-law, TallGuy, mentioned to BigSis that PB's recent issues with stress and anger are classic child-of-divorce stuff. I hate to admit it but I definitely think that's a factor.

Each time we've had to address any of these issues, his self-esteem has been in the toilet. Each time, he is a mess of worry. Worry about how angry I'm going to be. He told me that, every time he gets in trouble, he thinks this will be the one that makes me really really angry. He actually told me once that he wonders if each time he's bad, this will be the one that makes me stop loving him. When I started one of the discussions this week, I said something like, "PB, we need to talk about..." and he quickly added, "...that I'm a bad kid." He really has an amazingly low self image at times. And other times, his ego is off the charts. I don't really understand it but I do. If that makes any sense.

Someone recently told me he just needs to stop being so overly dramatic and move on. Yes. There are times when he's just being the drama king. But these other times - like this week - it's real. And it's deep seeded. I'm not going to ignore this and expect him to just move on. He's nine. He's in a world of stress. Even if some of it is created in his mind, it's real to him. And while I won't enable it, I won't ignore it.

I'm praying a lot. I don't have all the answers. I get good feedback from friends and family. But as anyone knows, even the best advice may not fit you perfectly. I really want God to show me exactly how to be the best mom for PB. I want PB to enjoy this advanced math opportunity. I want him to appreciate that not everyone gets this chance. I want him to know he's special without becoming arrogant. I wish he could see himself the way I see him.

This is quite rambling. Sorry.

Creative Friends: #3 In A Series

2009-11-20T09:14:00.003-06:00

My weekly series on my creative friends requires care. Not everyone I know will appreciate my thoughts on their lives being plastered where anyone can see them. You know, like Johnny Depp is a very private guy. Hahahaha! Oh that was funny.

I figure the next pal can handle my blogging adoration:

Trish/Trish's Dishes
I'm pretty sure Trish was the first non-family member to start reading and commenting on my blog. I met Trish back in 2005 while I still lived in Boston. If you've followed my blog for a while, you know that story. I was going to link to a story about her but, after searching my blog, I realize that I write about her ALL the time.

Anyway, Trish is of a group that intimidates me. She's a Writer. She uses...like...words and stuff! I mean, what kind of craziness is that? She's the kind of person that can catch me using not correct grammerificationating. She knows the difference between 'effect' and 'affect'. She knows when to say "Trish and I" or "Trish and me". She can correctly use big words! These are scary people to me. I'm a former math major. A college drop out. A computer geek. I depend on spell check. I depend on hanging around with people like me who won't care when I end a sentence with a preposition...at.

Thankfully, Trish is as imperfect as she is awesomely talented. She is the last person to point the red correction pen at anyone. She is amused at my word makeupification.

Trish wrote a book back in 2008 called 'He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not'. I love it. I have given out probably 10 or more copies to family and friends. Quite a few people that read the copies I gave them told me how much they loved it. They could all relate. They loved her writing style. They were drawn in by her humor mixed with accessibility. I think a lot of women were able to relate to - if not all of it - parts of her story. My sister read it and then gave it to her teenage daughter to read. My niece loved it, too.

Trish just finished her 2nd book and I am eagerly awaiting its release next April. Book Anticipation rocks! And now Trish is trying her hand at a novel. Can't wait to read that one, too.

Creative Friends: I Have A Butt-Load

2009-11-13T09:18:00.009-06:00

So I had this idea that, every Friday, I'll post something about one of my 952,000 creative friends. Especially if they have wares to sell. I'm realizing I'll never get through the list if I only feature one a week. So here are two of my Creatives from differing sides of the artistic spectrum.

Jaime Lee/Like Nailing Jello to a Wall
Jaime is one of my Awesome Blogger Chicks that I've never actually met. I don't really recall how we first connected. I think she found my blog through common pal Trish and left me some comments. We then connected on Facebook and leave each other silly comments and messages. She is beautiful, funny, inspiring and very supportive. Especially for someone who doesn't actually know me.

Jaime is a singer from my previous home city, Boston. When I first saw that, I wasn't expecting much. And let me explain that.

An Aside: Anyone from a huge music city like Boston, Austin, Nashville, L.A., NYC, etc., will understand. When you live in one of those music-centric cities, you run into every 3rd person and their brother saying, "I'm in a band!" or "I sing," or "I play [insert instrument of your choice here]." The first few hundred times I heard this, I would get all excited and be like, "Wow! Where are you playing? I want to see you!" and I was an instant fan. After sitting through painfully horrid set after painfully horrid set, I became more cautious with my fanaticism. So then, when someone told me they were a performer of any kind up in Boston, I'd be like, "Yah, you and everyone else I know." Which is mean. I doubt I actually said it. But I thought it. Also, keep in mind that I worked in a rock club for 4 years. Man, if THAT doesn't kill your love of music, I don't know what will. I saw 3 bands a night. The newbies would come off the stage as if the had just rocked the Garden. "Well? What do you think?!" To be honest, most of them didn't make an impression. If I can't recall anything you did 45 seconds after you left the stage, you have some work to do.

There were the rare gems. And many of them have moved on to cool things like performing with national touring shows like Blue Man Group or Rocky Horror or Stomp or Hannah Montana. Many are making a living creating music for sound tracks in NYC or L.A. Many are professional songwriters, producers or music managers. You'd be surprised to find out how small the world is. I guarantee you that you've heard something that one of my friends has touched.

So you can see how I'm a bit jaded when someone declares them self a musician. Then add to that the fact that I have a very unforgiving ear and am a vocal snob. Oh yah. Good times.

When I finally heard some of Jaime's songs, I was very happily blown away. She's GOOD. And not in that "but my grandma says I'm amazing" way that all those Idol wannabes are "good". She is VERY good. Like I will buy her stuff when it's available. And I am now campaigning to be her backup singer. Granted, I can't tour and I live about 1600 miles away. But still, why can't she just shift her whole life to accommodate me?!

So if you like what you hear on her MySpace link I provided above, you can download those 3 songs on her music website for free. I personally think she'd be a great addition to anyone's iPod who loves beautiful vocals.

Jane/Painted House 52
My friend Jane is like family. Like family that you can bare your soul to and expect to end up laughing. Like super close supportive loving family...that you've never met. Yes, she is another of my Awesome Blogger Chicks. We met a couple of years ago through my blog. She found my blog while looking for...I think she was looking for other moms of exceptionally awesome kids.

So Jane and I initially bonded over our boys. She has become a staple of support in my life. We talk on the phone all the time. We are good sounding boards for each other.

Jane is an artist in the physical mediums. And I say mediums - plural. She can paint. She can sew. She can refinish old furniture and make it look like something people would pay HUGE money for here in Austin. She makes gorgeous jewelry. I'm always astounded by her works. She makes it look so easy but I know I couldn't even come close!

This is an ottoman Jane recovered and painted.

If you want to see some of her current stuff for sale, she has an esty store. She is an amazing talent and I could easily see her making a living from her sales. While I'm not an art snob like I am a vocal snob, I don't like everything. I love her stuff. It's very "me". So go check it out and see if it floats your boat. Even if you don't buy anything, I bet you'll enjoy browsing.

Focus!

2009-11-10T11:46:00.007-06:00

Pokemon Boy is struggling this year. His teachers, counselors and therapists use words like "genius" and "brilliant" when they talk about him. As such, he has coasted through school in years past. He could float into class, listen with half an ear and still get As and Bs.

This year, he is in the gifted program for math. He's in 4th grade. And even I (former math major) have trouble understanding his homework. Part of that is that I haven't touched geometry or algebra in over 30 years. But the concepts are hard. They require focus and his full attention.

Pokemon Boy has the ability to comprehend almost anything. But if you can't give something your full attention, you usually will not succeed 100% in that thing. That pretty much applies to life. It certainly applies to advanced math. Pokemon Boy struggles as much with staying focused as most of us struggled with calculus.

For the first time, he is in a class where he will have to listen, work to understand and struggle to get As. This is a painful adjustment for him so far. He has brought home grades that span from the 60s to 100s. Somehow, he made the A/B Honor Roll for the first semester. It has shaken his confidence to the core. He has told me he isn't smart enough to be in the gifted program. He thinks everyone else is coasting and smarter than him. He's embarrassed to tell his teacher that he's not getting everything the first time. It's heart breaking.

In 2006, when Pokemon Boy was first diagnosed with Tourette's, the psychiatrist told me that she had thought ADHD when he first bounced into the room. But after talking with him, she ruled that out and honed in on Tourette's.

His inability to stay focused is rather typical in that he can be obsessively focused on something he loves. If they could figure out how to present algebra in Pokemon terms, he'd be all over it. But if he doesn't totally love something, he is easily distracted. And by easily, I mean, he's usually mentally checked out within seconds.

It's not all defiance or poo-poo-ing subjects he doesn't like. He is more inside his head than anyone I know. He thinks. Way more than a 9 yr old needs to. As he told me recently, every thought leads to a new one. You stare at a wall and think, "I wonder if that's cinder block or cement...I wonder who figured out to make cinder blocks hollow....bricks are solid..." then you're off picturing the brick making scene in The Ten Commandments which leads to thinking about what it must be like to make costumes for Hollywood movies which jumps you over to picturing the big Hollywood sign which leads to you pondering which font those letters are which makes you think of a little alphabet train you had as a kid which makes you think how fun it would be to travel across the country in a train which makes you picture the train scene in White Christmas and how sleeper cars don't look like that any more.

That's just a real-time sample from my head (which tells you I watch too many movies). Pokemon Boy gets like that. I've watched it happen. He glazes over. I always say, "He's just not there." It's not so much that he's tuning out his surroundings. It's more that he's diving so deep into his thoughts, he can't hear the surroundings that are way up there in that fading light of the surface.

So the boy's confidence is shaken. Deeply. His teachers see it. I see it. I tell him he's smart enough. I tell him I know he can do it. We discuss techniques to help him focus. We limit screen time. And if this were his only stress, I think it would be easily overcome.

But add onto that his worry over mom not working. What it mom can't find a job? What if we lose the house? What if we have to move? How much of our stuff would we have to sell?

Then toss on to that pile all the worry about his dad. Poor dad. He's lonely. I miss him so he must miss me. I want to go live with dad for a while. But that will upset mom. And I'll miss Lil'Bro.

Et cetera ad nauseum.

Other than praying, I can't think of a thing to do to remove the pile of stress. To build up his confidence. To help him enjoy the advanced classes.

Other than praying. I say that like that's nothing. I know it's something. It's more powerful than any physical thing I could say or do. But this imperfect physical being wants to DO something. I want to take an action to solve my son's problems. I want to jump into my Wonder Woman suit and save his world.

Well, his teacher is going to confer with her colleagues to see if they have suggestions. I will probably make an appointment to get Pokemon Boy reevaluated. It's been a while since he's seen a psychiatrist. I'll work with his teachers, school counselor and play therapist.

And I'll pray.

I will never stop praying.

Braggin' On Me Big Boy-o...Again...

2009-11-04T15:51:00.003-06:00

Today was the assembly for 4th graders. They don't get as many dog tags as kindergartners. So it was a much shorter assembly.

Pokemon Boy got an A/B Honor Roll dog tag. I'm so very proud of him. Last year, he got All-A Honor Roll all year. But this year is his first year in the gifted advanced math program. So he has had to struggle. He's brought home tests and homework with grades spanning the alphabet. I didn't think he'd get the honor role this semester due to the struggle of adjusting to the kind of effort most of us have to put into math. The years of coasting are over for him. But he's worked hard. He stepped up when he wanted to quit. This A/B Honor Roll rocks. He missed the All-A because of one B. And that was in math. Which makes sense.

My boys are a mother's dream. They make my life so awesome.

Braggin' On Me Wee Boy-o

2009-11-03T11:30:00.006-06:00

Last spring, I was bragging about Pokemon Boy's awards from school. Well, Lil'Bro seems to be following in his footsteps.

Yesterday, I attended the kindergarten award ceremony expecting that Lil'Bro would only get the one dog tag every kinder kid gets to start them off. He got FIVE. So cool especially when you're not expecting them!

The dog tags are...
The Tiger tag - the initial tag that comes with the chain. All kinder got one.
Paw Pride - most improved - 2 per each class.
Star Student - Art - the Art teacher chose this.
Reading/Writing - knows all letters and sounds.
Math - 1 - 21 # recognition and counting to 100.

So cool.

Overheard

2009-10-30T18:47:00.005-05:00

Overheard yesterday after dinner:

Lil'Bro: "Mom, I'm still hungry. I must be having a growth spout!"

I Won! Woo HOO!

2009-10-27T20:13:00.006-05:00

I was about to type that I never win anything. But I think I've won a few things here and there in my 44 years. Anytime, however, I do win something, I totally get all excited.

As my pal was wrapping up her old blog, she had a quick jewelry give away. Since I was the only comment, I won! How funny is that?! I told her not to rush and just get it to me when she could. She got it here just in time for the end of my birth-month (hee hee!). Here is a picture of me wearing it this afternoon as I watched my boys play in the gorgeous cool sunny day.

Thanks Stacy. You totally made my birth-month!

Job Hunt - Belly Intellesting

2009-10-23T11:31:00.005-05:00

If you recall from my previous post, I had a great interview with a local company. I've been in communication with them now for two months, all told. They were working on getting me an offer for a position I really wanted. I've kept looking, however. Because, until you have the offer in your hot little hands, you ain't got nothin'. I will confess, I had been doing much more minimal work in my continued job search because most of the conversations with the company sounded very positive. It seemed a done deal.

Today, I received an email that the requisition for my position had not been approved by senior management. So no job.

It's a bit of a blow, I admit. But again, I'm very surprised by how calm I am. I'm not dancing around farting rainbows or anything. Not by any means. [Although, that would be pretty cool! But I digress.]

So here we go. It's all you, God. I'm ok with wherever you take this. Just help me be patient. And point me in the right direction.

Creative Friends: I Have A Few

2009-10-22T19:47:00.004-05:00

This is a link to my friend's new etsy site, Cherry Baby Creations. LadyT is one of my awesome church family. I sing with her hubby when he either leads worship or plays drums on the worship team. Together, they are ridiculously talented and creative.

One of the gorgeous head bands LadyT offers:

Recently, they collaborated on their best creation yet. BabyE. She's one of the cutest babies ever. And I mean EVER. LadyT started bringing BabyE to church with very cute little head bands with bows or flowers or just patterns on them.

Now let me interject here, I have NEVER been a fan of baby head wear. Mostly because, in the 80s and 90s, they mostly consisted of elastic bands that were way too small for most baby heads and seriously dug ruts and canals into the scalps of these poor defenseless little babies. I also pretty much thought they looked awful. But that last bit is just a taste thing.

So when they started bringing BabyE around with head wear, I initially started turning up my snobby nose. Until I saw that they were made of the most soft supple material that never seemed to bother her. Plus, they were so cute on her and matched her outfits. I begrudgingly admitted to LadyT that I actually LIKED them (gasp!). [I'm still not the type to put such things on my own girls which is probably why God gave me two boys.]

I came to find that LadyT made these things for BabyE. Everyone at church started saying she should sell them and now she is! So if you know anyone who might like this, please send them her way. I really think she is making very comfortable items that will NEVER leave dents in your baby's scalp! I mean, come ON! Even *I* like them!

My Birthday Presents From The Boys

2009-10-21T08:36:00.005-05:00

Just had to show you what my boys "bought" me (with my mom's money) yesterday.

The plush Pokemon is...um...it's a...let me think...oh good grief, I think I have to go Google it. I can't remember. Oh right! It's a Shaymin. Thank goodness for bookmarked Pokemon sites. And the shirt is the other present. My mom said Pokemon Boy picked out both presents and Lil'Bro agreed to them both.

So there you go. Pretty cool, huh?

Happy To ME!

2009-10-20T16:23:00.008-05:00

A friend on Facebook sent me birthday sentiments, courtesy of her two year old. It said, "Happy to YOOOOU! Happy to YOOOOU!" I think that nails it.

My mom's surprise that she put up last night (see my post from yesterday) was so cool! Here's a picture. Do I love my mom or WHAT?!

I dropped the boys off at school. The migraine was gone. The tummy was still tentative. I went home and plopped on the couch. I treated myself to a PayPerView movie: X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Hugh Jackman contractually obligated to take his shirt off every three minutes? Why not!

I spent tons of time on Facebook reading a never ending cornucopia of birthday greetings. All of which were so cool. It's a quick little thing people can do. Facebook tells you the next three days' worth of birthdays for all of your connections. You just jump over and put a quick little blurb. It may seem superficial. But man, I loved it!

I got phone calls from dad, BigBroS, BigBroE, and BigSis. I got a text from my wonderful cousin.

I went to the boys' school to stuff weekly folders for Lil'Bro's class. Which means I got to see a bunch of his little pals that I adore. So cool.

I came home, went to CVS to get some double chocolate milanos. That's as big as I can go right now. My stomach is still funky today. So no big dinners. Mom came to pick up the boys. She's taking them shopping for me. Should be interesting to see what they think I need. How much money says Pokemon Boy brings home some diet pills? HA! And mom will be bringing home some dinner since I'm still a bit on the whiny sick side.

YAY for awesome birthdays filled with love and sweet words from friends and family. And yay again for my mom.

WOO HOO!! I'm FOTY-FO!!! Dig it, man.

I Can't Even Tell You How Much My Mom Rocks!

2009-10-19T23:09:00.004-05:00

Seriously: My mom rocks. Yes. We all know I feel this way. But man, when your mom is just the bomb diggity, how in the world can you ever hope to repay her?

My dad has been sick lately. It's nasty and unfun in the details so I won't post them to the general masses here. He has been sick, on meds and VERY uncomfortable for weeks now. When dad (or mom) isn't well, I keep my little family away. Not because I'm afraid I'll catch anything. But to give them their recovery space. When I'm sick, the last thing I want is to have to keep up with someone else's energetic kids!

Then I got sick over a week ago. And mine is contagious. So now I'm staying away from them for THEIR sakes. Which is a bummer for everyone because they love my boys, my boys love them and I love being around them.

Today was my 2nd venture to the doctor. I went from bad sinus congestion (ambiguous virus - one of many going around) to nasty bronchitis in a matter of 3 days. As I came home from the doc, my sinuses were giving me quite a pounding in the head. I picked up my boys and went to CVS to get my scrip filled. The headache was getting worse. But you know, it's sinus congestion and it gets painful sometimes.

By the time I returned from CVS, the headache had gone into "Hey, maybe this is a migraine" mode. I popped the migraine meds but apparently missed my window. I had barely gotten the boys' mac & cheese prepared and I was running upstairs to shove my head in the toilet. After washing up (and noticing I was completely devoid of color), I headed back down to slop the kids. As soon as I saw and smelled the food, however, it was round two. I was barely able to toss the mac & cheese in two bowls and yell to Pokemon Boy to get it on the table for him and his brother. After round two of the puke fest (complete with feeling like my head would explode with each turn of the stomach), I made it to my bed, called mom and whimpered my plea.

Mom showed up in about 10 minutes. The boys were surprised but she explained that their mom had a headache that makes her throw up and she was there to get them into bed.

I laid in bed in complete darkness with a pillow over my head asking God to protect my mom from any contagion in the house. And then I thought I heard crying. I made it into Pokemon Boy's room to find him crying. He had forgotten that tomorrow was my birthday. Therefore, he had not made/bought anything for me in time. And he was crushed. Because (as he informed us), I always get such great presents for HIM on his birthday. HE wanted to do something just as awesome for ME.

Oh man. My mom and I both talked him down for quite a while. There is just no way to explain to a 9 yr old that birthday presents or birthdays in general are less important to you when you're 44.

Pokemon Boy went to bed still sniffing and snuffling. Mom shooed me back to bed and went downstairs to "clean up a bit". For any of you who know her or her family, you realize that my kitchen is completely spotless now. I think she would have put the toys away in the living room, too, had I not come down to tell her to get back home.

She sent me off to bed and told me she was going to leave me something special to wake up to in the morning. I think she did this more for Pokemon Boy than for me. But I listened to her puttering around down here for about 30 minutes or more. I came down to post this. But I left the kitchen dark. I didn't really look because I want to leave the surprise she intended.

But man. My mom knows this house might have a virus or who knows what. And my dad is still not 100%. But when her 44 yr old baby called, she didn't even bat an eye. She high tailed it over here.

I love my parents so much. There is no way on earth I'll ever be able to repay all that she has done for me over my life time. But I can keep thanking God for them. And I can keep asking him to bless them beyond anything they can imagine. I guess all I can do is pay it forward to my boys. And my friends.

Thank you, mom. And thanks, dad, for giving up your nurse for the evening.

----

OH - and as an addendum! TJ texted me tonight. She will be released to go home tomorrow. That's all I know. But how cool a birthday present is THAT?!

A Halloween Diversion

2009-10-17T15:44:00.007-05:00

For those of you that don't already read my friend Beck's blog, I have a treat for you. Beck is an amazing writer and mom (I've asked her repeatedly to adopt me). For Halloween, she has been putting a dark spin on some classic children's stories. They just keep getting better and better and freakier and freakier. Here are links to her first six:

Halloween Story #1
Halloween Story #2
Halloween Story #3
Halloween Story #4
Halloween Story #5
Halloween Story #6
[Edited to add subsequent stories. I'll keep adding them here as she writes them.]
Halloween Story #7
Halloween Story #8
Halloween Story #9

Enjoy!

More Prayers for TJ Please

2009-10-16T07:47:00.001-05:00

I just got a text message from TJ. It just said,

"Just readmitted. More critical. Will probably be unavailable for a bit. More prayers please."

There you go, my wonderful praying friends. More prayers, please.

TJ is Home!

2009-10-13T15:37:00.002-05:00

Just got a call from TJ. She came home from the hospital today. It sounds like all the doctors are in agreement and that she has a rare disease that she picked up from her caving. She didn't have medical terms or names for me. But she said it's rare enough where they'll have to consult with other specialists to determine the course of treatment.

So the good news is, this is not autoimmune or something deadly. She said that news was a God-send. She's home on a bunch of antibiotics and other meds. She still sounds winded but in great spirits. Her Facebook entries still have her crazy humor. So I know she's doing better!

While all of this news gives everyone relief, she is still in rough shape. I just started a cold or some such sinus thing so I can't go near her. GAH! But I can offer to bring her family stuff or to cover her duties as a school volunteer. I just want to go sit on the couch with her, though. Oh well. We said we'll have to settle for sending each other silly text messages and pictures over the phone.

Thank you ALL for your prayers. She knows she has been hugely covered through this. I'm sure that has helped. Continued prayer for her comfort and recovery are welcome. Your collective faith is amazing and I love being able to count on it!

Update on TJ

2009-10-12T11:39:00.004-05:00

Over the weekend, TJ was admitted to a local hospital. The pain and discomfort was just becoming too much to handle at home. I've talked to her a few times and her spirits are as up as can be. She has her little NetBook at the hospital and is keeping touch through email and Facebook.

Today, they are going to scope her lungs. Which means a camera down the throat and into the lungs. I have heard this is not a pleasant procedure. I have no idea what time she's having this. She may be done already for all I know.

They are hoping that the scope will give them an idea of what this is. One theory is that she picked up some kind of mold or fungus from some caving she does. Just hard to say at this point.

Thanks for all of the emails and comments for her. I will share them with her once I have a chance. Your prayers are welcome and I thank you guys for your faith and prayers for strangers. You all rock.

4:11pm update:
I called TJ's hospital room and she had just returned from the biopsy. So the scope turned into a biopsy. I don't know much more than that. But hopefully the biopsy will tell them something. She was sore and exhausted (I can't imagine!) but in good spirits.

Prayer Request

2009-10-09T20:30:00.003-05:00

For all of my praying bloggers, please pray for my pal TJ. She's the mom of two boys that are great friends with my boys. She is one of those always-there-for-you friends. She lets me be as imperfect or goofy as I need to be. She makes me laugh until I need adult diapers and she has let me cry rivers of snot all over her t-shirt.

You get the picture.

Anyway, TJ has been coughing for a while. This week, it has progressed to extreme pain and coughing up blood. The CT scan shows hemorrhaging in her lungs. Right now, it's very early in this discovery. The doctors haven't seen this before. They don't know what it is. It's a giant question mark. She is young and usually healthy. With such extreme symptoms, you can imagine where her mind (and the minds of her loved ones) are going.

I'm praying huge. I'm asking for any prayer you all feel led to send up.

Thank you for your faith and prayers.

...And Did I Mention My Church ROCKS?

2009-10-08T22:32:00.003-05:00

Last Sunday, I approached one of our head pastors (our head pastors are a married couple and I adore them both). I related a particular struggle I was having that I won't bore you with here. Suffice it to say, it is a very hard thing to cut all of the myriad of connections from a 17 yr long relationship.

Both pastors Kenny & Michelle have walked this long divorce path with me. They have prayed from a distance. They have prayed right over me. They have both endured fountains of tears from me. They have cheered me on as God pulled me up onto my feet. They have loved on my boys. They are just awesome.

So I related my current struggle to Michelle. She went home and talked to Kenny. Then, today, she met me at a local coffee joint (no, not that Coffee Joint) and sat talking with me for about 3 hours. It was so nice. She is one of the Safety Zone people at my church. You know, one of the people you know you can say anything to and they totally know where you're coming from. I rarely have to worry about how something will sound. She's so open, loving and forgiving. She lets me talk. She gives me her thoughts. We exchange ideas. We jump off and on subject. And it doesn't phase either one of us.

Being a pastor is hard hard work. It's a huge sacrifice. I can't imagine how they pull it off. And yet she offered up 3 hours of her day for me today. To guide and encourage. To be my sounding board. To listen and laugh. What a wonderful wonderful way to serve.

I could write blog entries on how uniquely special so many of my church family members are to me. But today, Michelle gave me a real gift. Because who in this world ever offers up 3 hours of their time to one other person? Pretty awesome.

Yah. My church rocks.

Dumb Ol' Divorce

2009-10-05T07:57:00.003-05:00

You know, I posted so many entries during the whole divorce thing. This was my outlet and lifeline of sorts back then. I don't post much about it these days because A) it hasn't been running my life lately, B) it's hard to keep entries from turning into an ugly bitch session and C) I don't really think about it much.

But I'm going to post this because A) it's about Pokemon Boy and B) I'm kind of looking for feedback. Bare with me. I will ramble a bit here.

And by "kind of looking for feedback", I mean, I want feedback that comes from a place of love and encouragement. If the only thoughts that come into your head are of bashing The Ex, I get that. But keep them to yourself. That's all I ask.

So a couple of weeks ago, I was standing at church having a conversation with someone about how cool it had been that The Ex had traveled all the way down here for Pokemon Boy's baptism. I guess I was commenting on the distance and didn't realize Pokemon Boy was nearby. He suddenly said, "But mom, YOU'RE the one that took us away from dad." Gah? I was really at a loss. All I said was, "Let's talk about this later." And I never got around to it.

Yesterday, we were driving home from church and Pokemon Boy asked me "Do you think it would be hard to live without your kids?" I wasn't sure where he was going with this. "I'd find it almost impossible to live without you guys," I replied. But then I asked if he meant when he got old enough, he'd move out. And he said, "No, like right now. If we didn't live with you." So I told him how I'd be incredibly sad without them and figured we were moving on to a topic of death or other tragedies. Nope. "Yah," he continued, "that must be how dad feels."

Oh boy.

It's very hard for me, this line of conversation. Right now, the boys have glorified their dad into this sad, lonely victim. I have to put on the strong face and keep everything moving. I am the present parent and disciplinarian. Therefore, I am the unfun parent. I also think that, since I am no longer moping around and lost, it might appear that I don't care about any of this. Pokemon Boy has made it clear that, when I talk about dad or the divorce, it sounds like I never loved him. Of course he has no idea of the pain I went through or the work I did with God to make it through this broken time and arrive on the other side whole and ok with being single. He doesn't understand that, when I talk about "dad", I have to put on a poker-face and use a very level voice. It doesn't hurt to talk about him any more but for years it did. I can see how my strength - when filtered through a child's sad longing for his dad - would look uncaring and calloused.

It's especially hard because, long story short, their dad chose to pursue another woman. He chose this over the hard choice of staying near and being there for his two children. I think this is the sticking point for almost every person close to this story. Since 2007, my constant prayer has been for God to put true forgiveness in my heart for The Ex and his girl thing. And God is working miracles in that department. But I tell you, the one stumbling block for me is this same issue. He chose the girl thing over his own children. Back in 2007, when he was leaving to move 2000 miles away, I said, "You will break your boys' hearts!" His only reply was that he couldn't break the girl thing's heart. I will never forget that.

So here is my boy. Deeply intelligent. Deeply feeling and sensitive. He sees his dad as lonely and sad. Because when dad visits here, he stays alone in a hotel. And every time he leaves, he cries. When the boys have video calls on the computer, there is a sadness that hangs over their dad. Because I think every time he talks to or sees them, it pulls at his heart. And it damn well should. Unfortunately, the boys see this sadness from their limited perspective and think, Oh poor dad. He's so lonely. Pokemon Boy has said to me on quite a few occasions that maybe he should live with dad for x months and then with me for that long. In my head I reply, "Over my dead cold body, honey." But my mouth usually says something lame and comforting.

During our discussion yesterday, Pokemon Boy really opened up. He keeps it bottled up because he sees how words can hurt someone. He doesn't understand the divorce but he knows I was hurt deeply. He knows daddy stopped loving me and now loves another woman. So he is very careful about what he says to me. He does not like seeing anyone hurt. And he tries very hard to never be the one that brings that hurt. I could see he was about to burst with emotion yesterday. I reassured him he can say anything to me at this point. He can talk about daddy to me, it's ok. I explained that, even if something hurts me, God will take care of it and that I'm here to listen.

Finally it all came flying out. He tried to hold back the crying because he's at that age. But oh man. It came out. Just a jumble of missing daddy. Wishing daddy could live closer. Why did he leave? Why did I let him leave? Why did I let the marriage break up? Why can't daddy come back here? The saddest of all was after that torrent broke. When he was calmer and could think a bit.

He finally confessed - and I could tell it was so hard - that even though he understood "it was mostly dad leaving us," he was still kind of mad at me, too. All I could do was assure him that it was ok to feel that. And to reaffirm that he was right. Even though ultimately daddy left the family and I couldn't stop him, it took both me and dad being imperfect to get to that point.

The one that broke my heart, though...he held it back for a long time. I don't think he wanted to speak it. When he speaks something, that admission makes it a truth. And this was something I could tell he didn't want to be a truth. He looked at me and could barely speak it out. His face was a trembling mess. "I just feel like...well...I don't have a dad."

There it is. All the phone calls and video chats in the world don't make up for a 2000 mile logistical gap. Pokemon Boy's therapist warned The Ex about this. His own family warned him about this. The reality is, you cannot be a Dad from 2000 miles away. You can love. You're still their father. But a Dad is the one who is here, sowing into the kids every day.

I called The Ex and told him as much of the conversation as I could remember. Not to throw it in his face. We both try to communicate all of these hard conversations so we both know where the kids are coming from and are on the same page for when/if it happens again.

So my dilemma is what to say to my boys. Pokemon Boy is the tough one. Lil'Bro, at 5, is the kind that just says, "I miss dad," but doesn't cry and it doesn't seem to occupy his mind often.

We're all fallible humans. I, first amongst the fallible! Our gut instinct is usually not the best option. I have had multiple people advise me in the direction of tell the boys what a jerk their dad is. "Tell them the truth! They need to know and understand it now." The person saying this meant to tell my boys an age appropriate version of the truth but with no buffering. The person saying this has been in my shoes but her ex makes mine look like a saint. She has taken this tact with her daughters. And she did not hold back much. Knowing what her ex has done, I'm not so sure she was wrong to do it. But I do wonder if her daughters will ever be able to fix a relationship with their dad. If he ever turns his life around and isn't a scary danger, will they forgive him?

I can understand this avenue. But at the same time, there's a part of it that feels wrong to me. There is something very real about shredding some one's image - whether they deserve it or not. I think about the Proverbs that talk about honoring your parents. And I remember wondering how in the world someone who has been abused or someone who has absentee addicted parents is supposed to honor their parents. My wonderful pastors suggested that, perhaps if you can't support them in tangible ways, you can honor them by not slandering them. Not smearing their name. Not waving their flags of shame for all the world to see. I think that's a wise thought.

I also wonder, if you give children the whole truth about an imperfect parent, it can scar their view of that parent forever. And if that parent later turns their life around, how does that child now find forgiveness for the parent? I just think of deep personal truths I have held all my life from childhood that are just NOW being challenged as God opens my eyes. Anger I held on to that was born of the immature perspective of a very young kid who didn't have all the information. I'm just now working on shedding some of that.

So if I slam their dad, I don't think I'm being honorable. I have to find truths to tell them. I won't sugar-coat it. But they don't need to know all the intimate horrible details.

The flip side is my human side that doesn't think it's fair that a man who has made all of these awful, hurtful decisions gets to walk away without a scratch on him. He chose to leave his children and now he's a glorified sad victim. He left them yet sits 2000 miles away saying, "Boy, I miss my kids." It's very very hard to be a good person here. There are times when I call him out and hold his feet to the fire. But those are rare. He is quite good at making his own suffering.

I don't have a lot of people around me that have dealt with divorce while really really trying to follow God. So I don't know who to go to. There are a few. And I talk to them as often as possible to get their perspective and see how they've dealt with things. I suspect there are more people who have been touched by divorce around me than I know. It's not exactly a subject lots of people like to talk about. No matter which role you had in the whole story - it's awful.

Last night, once Pokemon Boy had finally calmed down, I prayed over him. And we prayed for daddy. I have been praying for The Ex since this all began. But I hadn't done it in earshot of the boys. That is a mistake I will now rectify. I told them both that I have always prayed for daddy and now I'll make sure I do that with each of them.

Pokemon Boy turned to me and said, "Mom, I hope this never happens to anyone we know."

Amen, my little man. Amen.

Painting Ain't for Sissies

2009-10-03T00:01:00.022-05:00

I have had little paint swatch cards hanging on walls all over my house since 2006. The Ex and I had all sorts of colors picked out for each room. We were going to hire some painters to do the whole interior. Well, it's the last quarter of 2009 and I still have little paint swatch cards hanging in all my rooms. Granted I've changed most of the colors because I can tell you, when you pick colors with someone and then he moves in with someone else, yah, you change those colors.

ANYhoo...

Today I painted my downstairs bathroom. Well, powder room. We Americans call anything with a toilet a "bathroom" which makes no sense at all. So sue me. Anyway, since 2006, I've had two dark smoky blue color swatches hanging in there, battling it out for my affections. Two days ago, I took the two swatches to the store and flipped through those paint idea brochures looking for something stunning that looked like either of my choices. I found a "bathroom" picture that was probably some studio because I doubt many people have 400 square foot bathrooms like that. Anyway, the color was perfect and close to my two contenders. I found the sample swatch and it was similar to my two but lighter. Which I think I needed. It's a small bathroom. By all means, yes, let's make it even smaller by painting it some dark blue color!!

So I annoyed the man behind the counter by having the audacity to ask him to possibly mix me up a gallon of "Bleached Denim" paint. Other people seemed to have the same audacity, what with it having a giant 10 foot sign to the effect of "Paint Supply" right over his head. I did feel bad asking him to do what he is apparently expected to do, but not much.

Sarcasm aside, I got my paint and headed home. It's a heady feeling, buying your first can of paint with which you will cover an entire (albeit small) room. Yes, I'm almost 44 and I've never painted a room. I was a renter until I was 39. None of my landlords seemed to be interested in my interior decorating ideas. And since I always liked getting my deposits back, I was happy to leave the beige walls and just make my STUFF be the color.

Today...I painted. I didn't read anything. I didn't ask anyone how to do it. I figure it should be pretty easy. The guy at the store told me that with a good brush [check] and a steady hand [...er...], I should be able to do the edging without painter's tape. After mucking up about a foot of the door jam, yah, I went and pulled out the painters tape. And while I taped all my edges, I thought to myself, "Why would I have listened to a guy who has probably painted for the last 37 years and could edge free-hand and blind folded?!"

I have very high ceilings. Well, when you're 5'3", anything over 6 ft is "high ceilings". I'm pretty sure mine are 9 feet. And ginormous ladders in teensy powder rooms don't really help you reach the whole thing. Because ginormous ladders don't really fit around sinks and toilets. So I got almost everything painted except one big patch up top over the toilet. Pretty sad looking to have 98% done and this one glaring spot.

Don't get me wrong. I have 3 huge extension poles in my garage. Why three, I do not know. Ask The Ex. But I didn't have a roller or anything that screwed onto said extension pole. So I ran to the same store to purchase that flat edger thingy that you can mount on a pole. You know, that flat edger thingy that the 37 yr painting veteran told me I wouldn't need because of my good brush and steady hand? Yah. THAT flat edger thingy. So I got one and was thankful the 37 yr painting veteran wasn't working that night.

So my bathroom is painted. As I sit here, the bathroom fan is still going - attempting to suck out all the fumes (which aren't that bad, I'm happy to report). Everything is back in the bathroom except the ugly mirror I'm trying to replace. I love the color. I want to paint the rest of my house. But I tell you, I'm going to wait. My little swatches of color will remain hanging where they are. Because I tell you, I just painted a tiny little bathroom today and I'm dead. Beat. In pain. That is HARD work. I'm a wuss. I own my wussiness. I will be saving up to pay some 37 yr painting veteran to come paint the other rooms in my house.

Oh - I need to mention that Lil'Bro helped me paint at one point. I had a regular sized roller and a teeny 3 inch wide roller. He saw that as "his size" and insisted. So I gave him a low spot on the wall to work on. I showed him how to get paint on the roller properly and - to his credit - he did an awesome job. And stuck with it for a good 20 - 30 minutes. He really tried hard. It was so cute. He kept stopping and going, "Whew! This is hard!"

Randomosity

2009-09-29T11:14:00.002-05:00

Nothing much happening today but thought I'd toss something out here.

Both boys are home sick today - the second sick day for both. We all got flu vaccines last Friday. Lil'Bro developed a low fever over the weekend and felt punky. I've assumed it's a mild reaction to the flu vaccine. And it was on top of his normal allergies. So it has kind of confused us. The combo of the runny/stuffy nose, general punky feeling and low fever sounds like flu. But I kind of think it's more like a low fever from the vaccine on top of sinus junk from allergies.

Pokemon Boy stayed home yesterday as one of his 3 hookie days I allow. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise as he developed intestinal distress and a low fever in the early afternoon. Today, he's got a low fever still, but it's climbing. Other than that, he has no symptoms today. So I think his is vaccine reaction, too.

It's so hard to tell how cautious to be right now. The flu and other viruses that are running around the country are just knocking people off their feet. Everything from H1N1 to regular flu to those anonymous viruses. I think about every 4th person I'm connected to has some kind of illness in their house (or just did).

It's a nice couple of sick days. No puking. They're rather quiet because they're not 100%. Yesterday, we spent some of the day on the floor with a Hotwheels race track set up. We alternated between racing little cars and Bakugan balls. Pretty fun.

Today, Lil'Bro is drawing a comic and Pokemon Boy is working on a chapter story he's been writing (for fun) for a few days now. Lil'Bro is learning how to read/spell in school. So right now, I keep hearing him say, "How do you spell 'aaaaaah!' like you're falling?" Pokemon Boy is being very patient, assisting him with spelling for his comic book.

In other news, I'm hearing from the job I interviewed for that they're checking all my references and background. So I'm hoping that's a good sign. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high but I have to admit, they ARE up!

That's it for now.

Job Hunt

2009-09-24T09:35:00.004-05:00

Since being laid off last January, I have luxuriously taken the summer off with my boys. But come this past August, I got down to the job hunt in earnest. I haven't talked about it much here because almost all potential employers Google every potential candidate. And while I've made things like Facebook and others private, this remains open for all the world to see. I have no doubt that most interviewers already knew I was a mom (they're not allowed to ask) and that I am divorced and that I'm a total wise ass and that I love to write run on sentences.

Yesterday, I had the best interview I've had yet. I met the potential hiring manager, two of the people under her, an IT director and the HR manager. All I can say at this point is, I love this company. And everyone I met was incredibly nice and really passionate about the company and its mission. Wow. Haven't heard that in a while!

I should have been terrified and wanting to throw up. I was absolutely calm and excited to go. I didn't break out in a horrid sweat. I didn't fumble my words. I didn't let loose with inappropriate subjects (or at least I think I didn't...). I have about 952 thousand people praying for me. So I knew the peace I had was from God.

I drove there yesterday saying, "Ok God, if this job is for me, please give me the right words and help me to present myself honestly and well. If this job is NOT for me, please just don't let me sound like an idiot!"

After the interviews, I was just stoked. I like this company even more, having met some of its people and seen its facilities. But as I got ready to leave, I told God, "Thank you for such a great interview time! This job seems so awesome and I really want it. But if this isn't the best job you have for me, I'm ok with that. Because this one rocks! So if you have something even better than this one? Yah, I'm ok with that!!!"

So we'll see what God has in store...

Baptism, Texas Style!

2009-09-20T22:36:00.017-05:00

Today, Pokemon Boy was baptized. Man, it was SO cool on so many levels. The Ex flew in this weekend just for this baptism. My parents came. Big Sis and Tall Guy came. My neighbors that live behind us came. My little sis from Oklahoma would have been here with her whole family but they had a car break down.

Our little church had 8 people get baptized. We're small. So we don't have a baptismal in the church. So when we're ready to baptize, we pull out the horse trough. Awwww yah! That's how we roll: this is baptism Texas style!

Today was pretty amazing. The worship music was really good. The message today was really cool and very poignant. And then the baptism directly afterward. Even The Ex (a non-believer) said there was something...different. I can't remember his exact words but he said you could feel an electricity in the air. I was a giddy mom so I was feeling pretty awesome. I'm just totally stoked that God touched The Ex's heart today.

Anyway, here are a few pictures of Pokemon Boy getting baptized. [Some from The Ex. And I was wielding a point & shoot and my Blackberry Curve. So these are a mix of formats.]

Pokemon Boy was a bit dubious.

PB had to be talked into the water a bit.

Finally got him kneeling!

Pastors Kenny & Michelle get Pokemon Boy prepared.

Almost ready...

PB was nervous about being submerged.

PB is baptized!!

WOO HOO!!!!

Pastor Kenny applauds while pastor Michelle gives him his towel.

My beautiful baptized boy!

Lil'KungFu

2009-09-18T07:59:00.002-05:00

Remember how I told you I was training my body guards? Here's Lil'Bro in his kung fu outfit. Could you DIE?!

Tourette's: To Tell or Not To Tell

2009-09-09T20:08:00.005-05:00

A new blogger friend over at Tea & Tourette's just asked me a really good question. I thought I'd answer it here in case any other Tourette's family would find it useful.

The Question:
"Do you / your son / his teacher tell the kids in his class about his TS? My daughter's teacher has suggested we do but I am reluctant until we get advice about everything as we know nothing! We live in a small country town so there are support groups, etc. Any advice for us starting on our journey please?"

My Answer (and I'm never short winded):
This is a tough one. I can tell you what we've done so far and why. I certainly won't tell you that my approach is The Way. It's working for us right now. But you might find a different approach is better for your family.

One suggestion I have is to rent or buy the HBO documentary I Have Tourette's But Tourette's Doesn't Have Me. You can see more about it here. If you Google it, you'll find lots of places to purchase and probably watch a lot of it (I saw YouTube in my Google results but didn't go check it out). I would watch this first before deciding whether to share it with your daughter. I showed it to my son when he was about 7. I wasn't going to show him as I was concerned that some of the more severe cases might make him think that this must be how it will be for him. But he found it on our DVR and asked to view it. So I watched it with him. I think it helped him see that he's not alone and that Tourette's can look so different from kid to kid.

The reason I'm suggesting you watch it is, there is a kid in the documentary that has TS. But during the documentary, you'd never know it. He mentions that he's on meds. But he also chose to share Tourette's with his class. He presented it to his class and allowed them to ask questions. I thought it was a very bold move. I also imagine it fostered a lot of tolerance through information.

Now, what I decided to do with my son is different. Pokemon Boy's TS has been very mild in terms of physical tics. His tics are generally rare enough and small enough that no one really notices them. His anxiety and social issues are the bigger factor to me. But so far, he has blended into normal elementary school life (now in 4th grade) normally. There are some kids who label him "kind of weird" or "different". But he has friends and is pretty well liked and respected in his classes.

I inform all of his teachers and care givers (like summer camp care). I explain the severity (or lack there of) and what they might encounter. I actually don't even like doing this much. Because I feel it can label him and give his teachers expectations. I was tempted to just send him without informing anyone to see if they even notice. I've seen other kids his age that have similar social or emotional issues and they're not diagnosed with TS. But, to be fair to his school, I always inform them.

I have always asked that his teachers keep this information confidential - meaning from the other students. Pokemon Boy is a typical 9 yr old and hates being singled out in any way he finds embarrassing. Since his TS is so mild, I have kept to this course of action. In the back of my mind, I have always thought that, if his TS escalates enough where it begins to affect his socialization, I would encourage him to present his diagnosis to his class like the child in the documentary did.

Now, having said all of this, I don't know if I'm making the right decision. As he gets older, I will most likely present the idea to him of sharing his diagnosis with his friends and classmates. Some of his classmates just think of him as Pokemon Boy. He's silly, very smart and LOVES Pokemon. But I heard one little girl just today refer to him as "one of them." She had been talking about Pokemon Boy and another little boy that goes to their school. I don't know his diagnosis but I do know that he has some kind of emotional issues that affect his social signals and ability to control his actions. Children don't need to know an official diagnosis to know that something is different about someone. Pokemon Boy and this other little boy both have times when they blow their tops. They get upset over some things that don't bother most other kids. And they also let things slide that other kids might go ballistic over. Most kids will have tantrums now and then. But when kids with emotional disorders blow their stack, it's often a bit different. And other kids tune into that difference.

So there is a part of me that thinks, in a perfect world, if Pokemon Boy was able to work up a presentation that was informative and honest, his classmates would all understand him better and be more patient, more accepting. But I also know that there are a few kids that will use this information as a weapon. Any time they feel like pushing his buttons, that's what they'd go for.

Like I said, I don't know that I have taken the perfect stance for us. But it feels right for us at this moment. I take my cues mostly from my son. If he was excited about sharing, I'd be working with his teacher and counselor to have him present to his class and maybe other classes. It's a subject I will probably bring up with him now that I've thought about it and actually put my answer out here in writing. If he decides to take a different path, I will definitely write about it here.

Oktic, my email is in my full profile. If you ever want to ask me anything offline, email me. I'll share just about anything. If you want to ask here, I'll answer here, too. I hope this has helped.

I know you're in another part of the world but the TSA-USA.org website is very useful [I read through almost the whole site within the first 2 weeks of his diagnosis!]. Pokemon Boy enjoyed reading their online news letter written by kids with TS for kids with TS. It's called That Darn Tic. I think it helped him realize he wasn't alone and there were other normal kids out there just like him. Take a look and see if it's something you could share with your daughter.

I also got a lot of books from well meaning relatives. I tried to read each one at first but it overwhelmed and depressed me. Sometimes, the more I read, the more fear that grew in my head. What I did with Pokemon Boy was I just left the kid-level books around. I didn't force them on him. I left them with our other books and one day, I walked in to find him reading them. Sometimes he'd talk about it with me. Sometimes he wouldn't. I would ask about it if I saw him reading it. But I always took my cues from him - whether he wanted to talk about it or not.

Some books he has read:
Hi, I'm Adam
Adam and The Magic Marble
There are way more but those are two I know he read all the way through on his own.

Also, Pokemon Boy is a hugely generous and loving kid. If your daughter would find it useful to write him letters or emails, let me know and we can exchange info. I think he'd really like that. I imagine he'd answer almost any question she might have. And he'd be honest. If he didn't know, he'd say so.

Let me know how I can help.

- Tourette's Mom

My Body Guards

2009-09-08T20:50:00.003-05:00

I'm so stoked. Both of my boys are going to try some sports. They've each found one that interests them and they're both different. Lil'Bro will be doing kung fu. Pokemon Boy will try his hand at fencing. I am SO excited about this.

What's the big deal? Well, honestly, it's probably bigger for me than for them.

As a single working mom (well, hopefully I'll be working soon), I have not known where I would find the time to handle the ferrying of my boys to and from sports. I have watched my friends and neighbors taking their kids to soccer, basket ball, football, you name it. I never see these friends any more. And these are two-parent homes. They both work. Then they're up at the crack of dawn on weekends to get to a game. Or they're gone as soon as they get home from work to get to a game. The kids are thriving because of it. So go them! But it's a big sacrifice. The two kids are in different ages so often the family has to divide and conquer. So they don't get family time. They don't get friend/social time. And honestly, some of them seem pretty stressed out. No mom/dad time - alone or together. No date nights. No Chick Nites. Granted, this is just the view from my eyes. But it doesn't look easy even with two parents.

Then there's the money. I watch the fees for uniforms and what have you. It adds up.

So I've sat here thinking, well, my kids will have to find other things to excel in. Pokemon Boy has never shown an interest in sports. He seemed interested in tennis one summer but couldn't stay focused on the lessons. They didn't interest him enough. Lil'Bro shows a natural aptitude for soccer. But I certainly can't get him to the games.

Both boys are currently in an after school program at Lil'Bro's former day care center. This day care offers kung fu lessons to it's preschool kids. It's there on site and no ferrying involved. It's a little more than I can afford. But it's cheaper than if I went to a martial arts school. So when they began to offer it to the after school age kids, Lil'Bro said he wanted to do it. So I'm going to find the money. I've paid for this month and his first lesson is tomorrow.

I had hoped Pokemon Boy would take it, too. I know he tends to miss the meanness that is tossed his direction right now. But as he gets older, I just wish he'd be able to defend himself. Sounds crazy. But honestly, I think every kid should know how to fend off any attack. But Pokemon Boy didn't want to. When he's not engaged, he won't focus. And he'll just waste time and money.

A couple of days ago, we were watching a Disney show, iCarly. It's one of the boys' favorites. I find myself laughing at it more often than not and watch it with them. [I also have a big crush on Carly's older brother, Spencer.] In this particular episode, Spencer goes to a fencing club. When they showed the fencing (obviously stunt doubles), Pokemon Boy said, "Is that a real thing?" I explained how fencing is very real and even an Olympic sport. He was glued to it. He asked me all sorts of questions about do you get hurt, can it kill you, is it fun, etc. So we did some Googling online and found that our town has a fencing club that will start with kids as young as SIX.

Today, I paid for Lil'Bro's first month of kung fu and then signed Pokemon Boy up for a 6 week course in fencing! The fencing won't start until October. But still! I can't wait!

So basically, I'm training a very specialized couple of body guards. You mess with me and you can pick your punishment: fist or blade?

Puke Patrol

2009-09-06T08:26:00.008-05:00

This morning is church morning. I got up to the alarm after playing snooze tag. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, fixed my hair, got dressed. I came downstairs to find my two adorable boys already up and playing their Nintendo DSs.

Lil'Bro said his tummy didn't feel good. "Up high or down low?" ask I. If it's down low, it usually just means he needs to sit on the potty for a while. He points up to his neck and chest. "You're probably just hungry." I took the risk and got him some milk. After a few sips, he said, "Oh, it feels better now."

I kept getting ready for church. Then he walks into the bathroom and stoically throws up. Ah good times.

My church friends are on notice and already bailing me out. My awesome friend MissSW is picking up all the church food. I called C.Beth and asked her to be the overseer of food service which she agreed to do even though she's lined up for nursery today. And I called my pastor's wife, the lovely Michelle, so she can cover me singing.

My parents and BigSis had planned a nice after church lunch for today. So it will be without the boys and me. BigSis will watch the boys in the afternoon so I can go teach my first Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class.

And my Lil'Bro - he is so brave. I have to tell you, I don't know any grownups that can puke so calmly, let alone a 5 yr old. He just walked in, lifted the toilet seat and "blyeah". Then he just stands there waiting for the next one. No crying, no whining. None of the noises I make that let the whole world know how awful this is and can't you see I'm SUFFERING?! Even when he was dry heaving. Just calmly heaves. It was astounding to watch. Or maybe I'm just twisted. But I really was amazed as I rubbed his very hot little heaving back.

Pokemon Boy is completely puke-a-phobic. So he has very discreetly taken his DS and gone up to play in his room. He's trying to make it look very nonchalant. But I know A) he hates listening to someone puking and B) he doesn't want to catch whatever it is.

MissSW just picked up all the church food. Lil'Bro is asking for milk and telling me he's very thirsty and hungry. Poor kid. We won't even try ice chips or water for 30 minutes. But he's a brave little guy. He'll make it. And in the mean time, I will refrain from licking doorknobs and stair railings.

A Picture of Sam Dad

2009-09-03T15:47:00.002-05:00

Here is a picture I scanned the other day. I was looking at this picture and got to thinking of all my different parents. Thus yesterday's post. So here's a picture to go along with yesterday's post.

I'm assuming this is my dad some time in the 1940s.

Collect All 66! Trade With Your Friends!

2009-09-02T09:48:00.004-05:00

One of the interesting things about being in a blended family and being adopted & knowing your birth families is that you often have to qualify which parent you are talking about. This is why:

Father Types:

Sam Dad is Sam Estes, my adoptive father. He's the first father I ever knew. He is, in my head and heart, my "real" dad. He died in 1977 just before I turned 12. To my kids, he is a collection of photos and they refer to him as Grandpa Sam or Grandpa Estes.
Dad is Hal Jones, my step dad. But I just call him "dad". He became my step-father back in 1978. I think I subjected him to many years of just "Hal" before I finally felt he earned the title of "dad". And earn it, he did! To my kids, he is Grandpa Jones.
Dean, my birth-father. My birth-mom found him for me back in 1986. He went through a period of signing cards as "Uncle Daddy" but it always felt weird to me. "Dad" is a very special term to me. I don't just toss it about. And as much as I loved Dean, he was not "dad". But he was very special to me and I've missed him a lot since his death in 2002. To my kids, he was GranDean.
Bruce, my birth-step-dad. Ha! Bruce is married to my birth-mom. We jokingly came up with his title a long time ago. But normally I just call him Bruce. But to my kids, he is Grandpa Bruce.

Mother Types:

Mom is Rose Jones, my adoptive mom. She's been in my life as long as I have formed memories. She and I are very closely bonded due to all the early hospitalizations as an infant and our constant communication. To my kids, she's Grandma Jones.
April, my birth-mom. Although I don't have a solid memory of it, she held me for an hour (I think) before she had to relinquish me. I grew up obsessed with finding my "real mom". She found me in 1985, 2 days after my 20th birthday. She is "April" to me but is much more special than just some random woman. We have a very special bond and I'm pretty much her darker-colored clone. To my kids, she's Grandma April (sometimes "Grape").

As a kid, I grew up with 5 grandparents as Sam had a step-dad. That step-dad was my main paternal "Grandpa". Sam's real dad was much more peripheral to us.

Once I gained a step-family, I gained 3 more grandparents. And the cool thing about them was, they treated me like their grand kid. I remark on that because I've seen step relatives in the world that can't bring themselves to make that kind of commitment to anyone outside their family.

When my birth-mom found me, both of her parents were alive. So I gained two more grandparents and from then on, I was one of their grand kids. Again, I find that pretty special. They were never uncomfortable with me. They never introduced me as "our recently found bastard grand daughter" or anything. Hahahaha. Oh sorry. Perhaps only I find that funny.

So Pokemon Boy and Lil'Bro have scads of grandparents, one living great grandparent (although when Pokemon Boy was born, he had 3 living great grandparents), innumerable aunts & uncles and a virtual cornucopia of cousins. They've also met more than a hand full of their 2nd cousins on both my and their dad's side of the family. It's nutty. And awesome. And it never ceases to amaze me: the amount of love and support that God has put into our lives.

I don't take it for granted. Well, not often, I hope. Knowing how blended families and adoption reunions can go, I see my huge extended family as the miracle it is.

Pretty cool. Thank you, God.

A Bit of a Scare

2009-08-30T14:46:00.006-05:00

Last night, we were sitting in the living room, watching TV and eating orange sections. Suddenly, Pokemon Boy turned to me, eyes wide with panic, making the classic hand movements around his mouth and neck. He was choking.

In an attempt to not drip orange juice on the carpet, he had popped a whole section into his mouth, gave it a couple chomps and swallowed it. It had broken into two sections still connected by some of the surrounding skin-type stuff (I don't know the right word for it). So one section had gone down and one had gotten caught in the back of his throat.

He made some really big gagging motions and I thought he had cleared it. "Did you get it? Can you breathe?" He frantically shook his head "no!". GAH! He kept trying to gag and I could tell he was trying to cough it out. But he couldn't take air IN. After a few more tries, he was still not getting air. I started to stand up to get behind him for the Heimlich. And I tell you, I have never had to perform that on anyone. Let alone on a kid. And my OWN kid.

As I stood, Pokemon Boy started reaching into his mouth. I thought, "Duh! I'm supposed to try a finger sweep first!" He reached in a couple of times and actually pulled out the top-most piece. I think doing that pulled the lower piece up to where his gag reflex could push it out. He got it into his mouth and I said, "Spit it out! Don't worry about the mess. Just spit it out." He coughed it out and then broke down crying.

I was numb. I've taken CPR and Basic Lifesaving so many times. And when other people have needed help, I just go into that "Let's do this thing" mode. But I tell you, when this happened, I just kind of jumbled everything in my head. Denial being the strongest emotion I had to overcome. This can't possibly be happening - a real choking situation with my 9 yr old. It happens to babies and old people.

Pokemon Boy cried for a good while. He told me that he really had thought he might die and had never been that terrified in his life. The whole event probably lasted a minute - possibly two. Probably not even that long. But if you've ever not been able to breathe - for whatever reason - you know that 30 seconds feels like 3 hours! And when it's your baby standing there dealing with something like that, it feels longer, too.

I held him a lot. He cried off and on for a while. We prayed and thanked God for keeping Pokemon Boy safe. For keeping him calm enough to have the sense to reach in to his own mouth and clear the obstacle. We just sat there going, "Thank you God! Thank you God!!!!"

After a while, Pokemon Boy asked me, "What if I couldn't have pulled it out of my throat?" I said, "Well, I would have done the Heimlich." I had to show him what that was (not fully). "Well, what if THAT hadn't done it? Then what would you have done?" I told him I would have called 911. He was very stoic and realistic as he flatly declared, "They wouldn't have made it in time." I told him, "They would have saved you. I can tell you that!" I didn't get into details. It's not a place my mind easily goes.

After sitting there together for a while, he calmed down. We were quiet for a time - just holding him against me, silently thanking God. "Mom? Are you going to put this on Facebook?" The question really cracked me up. "Well, I guess that's up to you, buddy." Usually when something happens that makes him this upset, he doesn't want anyone to know. But he said, "You can if you want to." I said, "Well, I would probably blog about it because there's more to it than a status update." He nodded. "Well, you can put it wherever you want to." I smiled to myself. What a funny world where my kid knows that all of our family stories go onto a blog.

So that was our very short-lived moment of terror. Once again, God rockin' the rescue.

Thank you, God. Thank you for my kids.

A Nice Boring Post

2009-08-28T20:58:00.004-05:00

Well, the first week of school is done for my boys. And the fact that I have nothing substantial to report is awesome. Because that means that Tourette's hasn't factored into anything this week. YAY!

Things that happened this week:

I had a 2nd phone interview with an awesome local company I'm really hoping to work for. But I'm leaving it to God. I figure, if I get it? He knows it's the right place for me. If I don't get it? He knows something I don't and is protecting me from a not so great situation.
I had a cool casual meeting with an IT recruiter that a friend referred me to. She asked me to add a few things to my resume. So hopefully she can help.
I wrestled with anger issues each time I drove to the school and had to deal with other parents driving in ways that just defied my understanding. I really am at a loss when people block the bus driveway or park on both sides of a narrow street so it becomes a one-way situation or don't follow very strict instructions that were sent home on the first day. It brings out the bouncer in me. I want to get out of my car and start barking like a marine drill sergeant. GAH!
We had two nights of severe thunderstorms. Only one amounted to any rain so we're still in a drought. But I enjoyed laying in my bed watching the lightening storm from a relative safe spot. One night, I had Pokemon Boy in there. Last night, it was Lil'Bro. Usually they sleep through anything. But each one had a night where they were woken by the storm. If they both wake at the same time, I may have to get a king sized bed! HA!
Got to have lunch with one of my favorite moms of Lil'Bro's classmate. She's actually the mom of two boys - right around the same ages as my two. All four of our boys really like each other. It's awesome.
Am wondering how to teach Lil'Bro some assertiveness. Where Pokemon Boy inherited my vocal projection talents, Lil'Bro is whisper quiet when he tries to talk in the classroom. Where PB is an extrovert, LB is shy. Where PB is tenacious, LB will only try once. LB has an awesome teacher. But he's intimidated in trying to make sure she knows his concerns. And his teeny quiet voice doesn't help. I'm sure it will work out. But I've had to send an email to her just so she'd understand one of the little things that was bothering him. Fortunately, she's a doll.

That's about it. Nice and uneventful. Tonight, I got to sit on the couch with my boys and a big bowl of popcorn. We watched the computer animated version (2008, I think?) of Horton Hears A Who. It had slapstick, pratfalls and just enough silly to keep them laughing out loud. I had more fun listening to them than watching the movie. Now we're watching PowerPuff Girls and then it's to bed.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

First Day of School

2009-08-25T09:29:00.009-05:00

I've been having fun watching all of the first days of school being published on my friends' blogs or Facebook pages. I just put my pix out on Facebook. So now to share HERE.

Last night, it was hard to go to sleep. Pokemon Boy came down only three times. "Did you call me?" "I thought I heard you leaving." "I was just filling my water cup." When I went to bed, I grudgingly set my alarm for 6am. I've had the luxury of sleeping in all summer. And even while looking for work, I've had my alarm set for 7:30. Yah, my life is soooo hard, right? HA!

This morning, I was woken at 5:52am by Lil'Bro. He had just had a bad dream and wanted to climb in bed with me. Really? Eight minutes before the alarm goes off??? But it was sweet cuddling with him.

Both boys got up on time. Lil'Bro is like me and can't eat much in the early morning. Pokemon Boy had a good breakfast. We picked out clothes, brushed teeth, made sure water bottles were in the backpacks and were ready about 10 minutes early. I can tell you, that probably won't be a regular occurrence! I snapped a few pictures out front and then we were off to the school. Early. Because it was gonna be mayhem.
The Boys: Ready for school!
Lil'Bro: The big man starts kindergarten today.
Pokemon Boy: Ready for 4th grade and to guide his little brother.

I'm pretty sure every single parent of every single kid was there today. There were cars parked EVERYwhere. The residential streets surrounding the school had people parked on both sides. Which effectively turned all the streets into one lane roads. So you can imagine how fun it was to try to get OUT of there. I feel sorry for any parent that needed to be at work at a certain time today. Because I can promise you, they were late. Fortunately, we know a crossing guard that lives across from the school. She let us park in her driveway. So we were totally stoked.

We walked into the school and dropped off Lil'Bro first. Pokemon Boy is taking his responsibility of watching out for Lil'Bro very seriously. After today, I will just drop them off and he will walk Lil'Bro to his class. He's ready.

Lil'Bro's teacher, Ms.S is so sweet. We brought a bunch of extra supplies for her and she was thrilled. Lil'Bro's buddy was already there. He hung up his back pack, put up his lunch box and sat down to color. No nerves. No worries. No tears. I got my pictures, said goodbye and left with Pokemon Boy. I must be heartless or something. All the other kinder parents (even experienced ones like me) asked, "Did you cry?!" It never occurred to me to cry. Maybe if Lil'Bro had freaked out, I might have. Nah. I'm totally ok with the school, his teacher, I know the dismissal process. I'm good. I was joking with one parent that, with the first one, yah, I didn't want to leave him that first time. I just kept thinking about all the crazy "what if" scenarios. They'll lose him! They'll be mean to him! Some crazed gunman will take the whole school hostage. But with the second one, I drive up, slow down, pop the car door open and tell them to tuck & roll!!! HA! Ok, maybe not THAT bad. But it's funny, none the less.
Lil'Bro and Ms.S

For Pokemon Boy, this is 4th grade. Last year he tested for the talented & gifted program and was accepted. So this year, he is in a class with a talented & gifted certified teacher. Ms.H is awesome. She's very sweet but I sense that she will only put up with so much silliness. I think that will be the perfect combination for Pokemon Boy. Last night we prayed that God would give Pokemon Boy control over his body and his emotions. And that God would help Pokemon Boy see when someone needed a friend or kind word - to be that friend or give that kind word. So hopefully, that's still on his mind. He seemed happy to be in his class and meet all the kids.
Pokemon Boy & Ms.H

After I dropped them both off, I ran over to say hi to Pokemon Boy's 3rd grade teacher. I tried to find his old 1st grade teacher but the bell rang and I knew they would have some trouble clearing all the parents out of the building. So I skedaddled.

I'm so thankful to live in a peaceful country. To have such a great safe school for my kids. To have friends that staff that school so I know, in a pinch, my boys would have people to turn to.

God rockin' a wonderful community for us. Woo hoo!

And The Answer Is...

2009-08-24T09:44:00.005-05:00

So apparently, the answer to my rhetorical tongue-in-cheek wise-ass question from Saturday's post [Is It Wrong...?] is, "It depends."

Having a blog is a very weird thing. Some blogs have a target audience. Some are just open to all comers. Some don't know what they're really shooting for. When I started mine in 2006, I was going to chronicle my battle with weight. I was derailed by Pokemon Boy's diagnosis with Tourette's. And that is when this became Tourette's Mom. I didn't know what I was going to write but it was going to be a place where people could come, read, and see one picture of what life with Tourette's can look like.

In 2007, my original purpose was derailed again. But it wasn't too strange because - thankfully - God has given Pokemon Boy control over his body. So there really wasn't all that much about dealing with Tourette's that I could say. Not on an almost-daily basis. So when The Ex shredded our little family, I used this as one of my lifelines. My regular blogger chick friends came to my rescue. Here and offline. It was pretty shocking to find how big my blogger family was. And how real. It still amazes me.

A few months ago, I linked my Facebook account to this blogger account. That's where the weird began. Well, in my head, anyway. I figured most of my acquaintances on Facebook wouldn't bother reading my blog posts. I was wrong. So once I knew they were reading, I started second guessing what I wrote here. I'm very much a stream of consciousness writer. And then once they started commenting...well, that was a whole other bag of noodles.

Many Facebookers use the online social networking site as a way to share pictures and update their friends and family with what's going on. Look, Bobby took his first step. Oh dear, Suzie has H1N1. Oh cool, I have a job interview. And that's how my account started. I had been a MySpace addict. I hadn't even known there were other social networking sites. My blogger chick pal Jane invited me to Facebook. And I was hooked. More and more of my friends, family, and acquaintances were joining Facebook. So it was fun. I now have regular interaction with both sides of my birth-family where it had been sporadic at best. My extended family (both sides) keep in regular touch which we had previously only done with a Yahoo group email. So now we got to have pictures and jokes. I'm reconnected with childhood friends, high school classmates, college classmates. It's a hoot and lots of fun.

But the majority of Facebookers are like me. They will connect with all sorts of people that were peripherally in their lives. If I can recall any interaction with a person, I usually accept a friend request. If I can't recall, I'll see if we have mutual friends and ask one of mine, "Who is John Smith and why would I know him?" Once a month, I go through my friend list. If I haven't had any contact with that person and/or can't recall any significant interaction with them in my lifetime, I usually disconnect. And most people never say, "Hey, why'd you defriend me?" If they do, I realize they were a lurker (they read but don't leave comments) and add them back in.

For those of the more private ilk, this seems like one of the inner circles of hell. Just ask my BigSis. She'd rather be skinned alive than join anything like Facebook, MySpace, Classmates, Plaxo, [insert any of the myriad of social sites here]. But I'm a social junkie. I love contact of any kind. If you're not outright abusive on my pages, I'm usually lovin' it.

For a while, I hesitated putting anything on my page about my feelings for God/Jesus, my church, etc. I didn't want to be misconstrued as one of those agenda-pushing "religious" types. Because if you know me, I am SO not that person. But after a while, I realized this just falls back into my old habit of putting God behind the curtain, in a closet, in my back pocket. Why should I have to hide any part of my life from anyone? If I'm happy how I am, why can't I just put that out there?

So I got bold. I started putting things like, "My church so totally rocks!" in my status. Or I'd say I was prepping the fruit for church. Or that worship rocked that Sunday. Or whatever. Don't get me wrong. My stupid slapstick humor was still out there. So my "God Rocks!" updates were interspersed with updates like "Men + beer + boob-themed restaurants = stoopid." The point is, I just tended to be my usual self. But my PUBLIC self.

And there is a difference. I will bare my soul here because, most regular readers here are invested somehow. They are a family member, a friend, interested in Tourette's, have a child with special needs, stumbled here and stayed, or were sent here from another blogger friend. My regulars are supportive, funny and kind. Those that come here - for whatever reason - if they stay, they have chosen to. On Facebook, it's kind of an opportunistic captive audience. Most of the people who read my blog posts over there are people that don't know my back story. The context is jumbled. Or, there IS no context.

So, that last post from Saturday - it was a mix of humor & snark. My friend that was the subject has a good sense of humor. His wife is a regular reader here. So I posted that fully knowing she'd read it and probably poke him with it. And here, that is exactly the response I got (see C.Beth's reply to that post).

But in Facebook land, people need to take a stand, make a point, be clever or whatever. So some people laughed along with me. But the other responses to the post made it clear that, no matter how benign I meant that post, in the jumbled context over there, it came across like I'm bitter or don't understand the different roles of moms and dads or was paying into the bumbling-dad stereotype. None of which are true.

So I have decided that I like the separation of Blog and Facebook. I have unlinked my online private me from my online public me. The few friends that found this and are interested can still come here. The lurkers and soap boxers can stay in the public forum.

So, is it wrong to be snarky about a socially charged issue - even when it's tongue in cheek? Well, no. But you have to take what follows.

Is It Wrong...?

2009-08-22T21:03:00.002-05:00

Is it wrong that I'm secretly amused when I witness a dad forced to deal with his kids alone in a social setting? Granted he did swimmingly. But he's used to just going about what ever he's doing while his wife deals with the kids. So this just gave me a secret little thrill.

I know. I won't even get a hand basket.

Teachers: Two Thumbs Up

2009-08-21T21:19:00.004-05:00

Well, we met both teachers today. My mom got to go with me to the kinder meet & greet. It was very cool. My heart goes out to the first time school parents. For most, it is just such a hard time. It was for me. I faked it well for Pokemon Boy's sake back in 2005. But man, it can be such a hugely paranoid time.

Lil'Bro's teacher is in for quite a ride. There are at least 6 kids in her class from his preschool. Which is odd since there are 10 kinder classes (all full - so like 20 per class!!!). But somehow, he and two of his best pals were placed in the same class. Three others we saw were in different classes. But his teacher seems very sweet. Very attentive. I think he'll have a great year.

Pokemon Boy is in the talented & gifted program. So his class is mostly those kids. His teacher seems like a doll, too. One kid from his summer daycare is in his class. They are both crazy for Pokemon. At one point, his teacher mentioned she needed to be schooled on Pokemon. Both boys offered to educate her. HA! Boy she's in for it now!

I chatted with Pokemon Boy's teacher - just letting her briefly know that his Tourette's isn't physical at the moment. That I'm her partner and will back up what she does and continue it at home. She seemed to know him from the prior year. He is a very outgoing and friendly kid. So almost every staff member we passed called him by name. So I imagine she already has some idea of the kind of kid he is.

We all left feeling very comfortable with the assigned teachers and excited for next week. Once again, God's rockin' the answer to prayer. So yay!!!

Oh, and while we were at kinder meet & greet, I got a phone message about a 2nd phone interview with a company I really want to work for. WOOT! I'll let you know how that goes.