Allie's Home Made Meme

Here's a meme that Allie made up. Just 10 random things I think are the most.

1. Most Vocal-Cord-Shredding Song:
Let It Rise by Big Daddy Weave. I’m not saying that this is some screaming metal version of the song. I’m saying that this song just totally inspires me. I get so totally pumped listening to this song. I really can’t listen to it unless I’m alone in my house or car where I can crank the volume and belt it at the top of my lungs. One time, I kept hitting repeat on my way to small group. By the time I got to my pastor’s house, I could barely speak. Seriously, this song is probably my favorite worship song in the world right now.

2. Most Decadent Pie:
Chocolate Chess Pie. Or I like to call it, “Heart Attack In A Pie”. It’s butter, eggs, sugar & chocolate in a pie shell. Need I say more?

3. The Most Adorable Boys Ever (that came out of me):
Now that I avoided angering all the moms of adorable boys out there, I think you know who I’m listing here. Yup, Pokemon Boy and Lil' Bro. They still amaze me on a daily basis. No, probably on an hourly basis. Pretty much any time I'm not yelling at them, I'm staring at them in wonder. Yup. Them's my boys.

4. Most Fantabulous Parents:
Mine. If you recall from some 2007 posts, this is what last year looked like for them:
April-May – mom left dad, flew out here, cared for my kids, cooked, cleaned and held me together for 7 weeks. Dad decides they need to move out here to help me and my boys.
June – dad (who is almost 80 at the time) packs up his car and drives ALONE all the way from Florida to Virginia to get their house ready to put on the market.
July – mom finally heads to VA to help dad sell the house. They clean, purge & pack.
August – still purging and packing. Oh and house hunting out here through my realtor-friend.
September – they drive out here with the moving truck, their mini van bulging with stuff. They move into my development.
October – unpacking and setting up the new house. They take me and the boys out for dinner constantly.
November – they are my main backup for child care. They are my constant source of support. They take the boys as often as possible.
December – dad is in the hospital 3 times: twice for his heart and once with pneumonia.
Yah. My parents ROCK.

5. Most Amazingly Funny and Gorgeous Neighbors:
My Chick Nite Girls. If I didn’t think they’d shoot me, I’d post pictures of all of them. Back when I didn’t want to put my future ex through a wall, we used to joke that he hit the gold mine of neighborhoods. All of the ladies in my ‘hood are gorgeous. I love that most are brunette (and the ones that aren’t get the blond from a bottle, thank you very much). These ladies have bailed me out in my times of crisis. They have taken my children on a moment’s notice. They help my mom out when I travel. They all offered to help my parents move in or to help my parents at any time. We dish and laugh. But we also really really support each other. I’m not kidding when I say it is a very unique neighborhood.

6. Most Likely To Make Me Pass Whatever I’m Eating/Drinking Through My Nose:
This is really a tie. And not just a two way tie. The Princess of Pawtucket and Lisa McC regularly make me cry from laughter. Trish & Sarakastic’s blogs usually have me in stitches. And Jane on the phone – I’m usually dying!

7. Most Beloved City In Which I Don’t Currently Reside:
Boston. Hands down. Then London. Then San Francisco. Now, granted, I haven’t traveled the world – or even the U.S. – much. So that top three could very easily change once someone wants to step forward and fund my life of leisure and world travel. Anyone? Anyone?

8. Most Desired Travel Destination:
(International) New Zealand. And when I typed that, I pronounced it “New Zilland” in my mind. Allie has posted enough pictures to make me totally want to go here. Plus, I am hoping I can run into this guy while there.
(U.S.) Well, I keep bugging Jane about going to Las Vegas. And I do want to go there. But Jennie has me totally in love with Colorado. Those gorgeous mountainous pictures have convinced me. I need to take a 3 month vacation there.

9. Most Terrifying Concept:
Big haired, football-loving pageant-moms dressing me in formal evening wear with high heels and full makeup while forcing me to listen to their political views. Yup. That’s pretty much my idea of hell. [For any of you really nice pageant moms, that's just a joke.]

10. Most Time Consuming Guilty Habit:
This. Blogging and reading all of your blogs. I know some people think it’s for freaks. And we’re obviously not disproving that theory. However, I love this community of Awesome Blogger Chicks we’ve built here. I love reading your thoughts on life. I love watching the amazing love unfold on some of our sites. I am constantly amazed at the beauty and strength I witness in all of you. I love the cathartic nature of my typed purging. And I am bolstered by your comments and support. And where would I be without the lessons and pearls of wisdom from bloggers like Beck, Stacy, Trish, Sarakastic, and Allie? Not to mention the vocabulary expansion I’ve been forced into with all you pretentious writers tossing around your $7 words. Dang people. Lighten up. I come here to shut the thinker off. *I kid*

Ok. That's all I could think of. Rather lame. But I liked Allie’s home-made meme. Thanks for creating it!!

Some Updates and My Weekend

Update on the father-in-law:
The F.I.L. has been transferred to a different hospital for dialysis. His kidneys obviously aren't doing so well. They had to go back into the abdomen to check out some dangerous stuff that was coming out of him. He is very sick. He is still in ICU in critical condition. The ventilator was put back in to keep the abdomen more relaxed. The future ex is flying up there tomorrow. He's going to stay up there as long as his job will allow. It's not a good situation. I can sense the anxiety in his voice. This kidney issue is pretty scary. If they don't work, the options are not so great. So prayer on that one would be great.

Update on my cousin's family:
Today was my cousin's memorial service. I haven't been able to talk to any of his family yet. My mom spoke to my aunt earlier on the weekend and she told my mom not to leave my dad to make the long drive. All I can do is pray God's peace on that whole family. I thought of him a lot today. And all of them.

Update on me and the future ex:
God rocks. And he answers your prayers. How do I know? I gained a huge sense of peace about the whole early departure thing over the weekend. So THAT'S how I know he answers your prayers. I have been praying so hard and so long about this whole situation. So have many of you. So if he ends up leaving early? There's a reason. God set me up in this amazing neighborhood and gave me really cool friends here. Not just friends but other parents that get what my little family is going through. They are constantly offering and delivering support for us. God got my parents here and provided buyers for both of their other houses in a horrid housing market. God put me in the most rockin' little church with a bunch of people that would bend over backward to help me and my boys. God set up a network of friends up in Boston that still act like family. Over the weekend, I got Vince Lombardi pep talks from my mom, Big Sis, future ex's sis, and The Princess of Pawtucket. It's pretty amazing to hear that people really think you're strong enough to do this single parent thing truly as a single entity. It'll be by the grace of God - and his huge freaking network he built for me. Verizon's got NOTHIN' on God.

My Weekend:
I have to tell you about my weekend because it totally rocked. I was so emotionally wiped out by the time Friday rolled around. I was probably verging on being a bit depressed. So this weekend was awesome.

- Friday - Chick Nite with the ladies in my 'hood. I had probably invited about 10-ish ladies for the Chick Nite. We ended up just being four. Which might sound like a total bummer. But not with the 3 that showed up. It was just so much fun. We missed the absent. But these girls know how to make me laugh. So we sat around my kitchen table for about 3 or 4 hours. Which is funny because those chairs are not the most comfy things. We had a little wine or a little beer. We had chips & fresh salsa and a sliced baguette with 3 different cheeses. Later, I pulled out a bunch of fresh fruit and whipped cream. We never even touched the veggie platter.

We told stories and laughed. I learned more Spanish words that I will never be able to remember. We talked about how unique our almost-all-brunette neighborhood is in this part of bleach blond Texas. And then we laughed at how my kids are like the only blond kids in the 'hood. And look at their mother!! But it was just so good to sit around with women who just make me laugh. Oh man, it was great.

- Saturday - I tried to sleep in. Parents of young kids know how nigh impossible that is. But I made it to about 9am which is HUGE luxury for me. I got up and just puttered slow. My only plan was to get to Austin to get a missing piece to one of my new earrings. Never did get that errand run. I watched some bad TV, took a long shower, went grocery shopping for the church food supplies, made a sandwich for lunch. Very very lazy. Just not something I usually do.

Then I went down into Austin and met Big Sis and Tall Hubby. I got to see my nephews, Sid (the wee dog) and Simon (the not-so-wee cat). We hung out for a while and then went to have some hors d'ouvres at their friends' house. We hung there and chatted and noshed on wonderful stuff like cheese, bread, some kind of plum and something else paste, olives, hummus, and grilled veggies. After all of that, we weren't really hungry for dinner. But we went forth and tackled the dinner task at a great place, Kerbey Lane. Yum - shrimp scampi! These four are great company and are gracious enough to allow me to frequently be their fifth wheel. I made it home just after midnite. Just in time to prep all the church food and watch a really really awful movie.

- Sunday - Probably my favorite day of the week. It could only be made better if they pass a law to make Monday a non-work day. I woke up in time to make myself presentable. Drove down to pick up the boys from future ex and went to church. I got to sing again this week and the songs Mr. Music Director picked were all just fantastic. I mean, in their message and their fun-factor for those of us that get to actually play/sing them. Plus, the singing bass player was there so we had 3 part harmonies which I just LOVE. To me, there should always be at least 17 harmony parts. Would that it were possible!

The lesson was awesome as usual. One point the pastor made that has stuck in my head is this: even Jesus had to pray twice. He was talking about how we tend to just send up one request and just dust our hands off like, "Well, I tried!" But sometimes we have to go to God multiple times. And he pointed out, in one story in the gospel, even Jesus - God on earth - had to pray twice. He prayed over a blind man and then asked him, "Tell me what you see." The man said, "I see men that look like trees." So Jesus prayed over him again and then the man saw clearly. I find that really profound. I've been learning to not give up in prayer. I'm always talking about "pestering God" on some issue. But when I heard this I thought, wow! There was at least one time where even Jesus had to pray twice. That is VERY cool. So now I'm redoubling my efforts to remember to keep asking God. Keep filling that bowl with prayers until it overflows. Anyway, that was one thing that stuck in my head. Also, I started talking to a few of the people at church about that music project I talked about a couple of posts ago. There are quite a few people very interested. So I imagine I'll be posting more about that.

That was my awesome weekend. Fun, fun and a great topper with my church family.

Today I got sick again. This GI problem I seem to have isn't giving up easily. I've had it in one form or another since Jan 14th. Today, I got violently ill again and thought, I am SO done with this. So I called the doc. They are running a bunch of labs on me to see if it's a particular bacteria they can attack with specific meds, if it's a virus, if it's a parasite or what. They're testing for a host of things just to rule them out. One of which is hepatitis. I doubt I have it. But seeing as how I got a new tattoo just after Christmas, you just never know. Wouldn't that just be poetic justice, eh? And if all those come back negative and I'm still having this much trouble, they'll probably do one of those really fun GI scans where you drink the orange barium drink. I've had one. Even the thought of smelling that orange stuff can make me gag. Ugh. But my theory is, I got virus A in Boston. I came home and Pokemon Boy had virus B. I got that. And my immune system is just too weak to fight it off. The doc office was booked solid today. I got in due to a cancellation that happened just as I called. They tell me there are just super GI bugs and bronchial infections going around right now. Lucky us, eh?

Anyway, that's my yammering for today.

Thank you all for the wonderful loving and supportive thoughts you left on the last post. I have no doubt that many of you are a huge part of my survival - through your prayers. And I can assure you that many of you are a huge part of my survival just for the sweet notes you leave me here.

Rock on, my people. Rock on.

A Few Pix For You

I finally downloaded all the pictures from my camera. I haven't been taking much with it because I knew I couldn't download them (home PC is behaving badly). Most of the pix you've seen lately are from my cell phone.

Let's see what I can find here.

Oct. 26th - a belated birthday cake from my neighborhood Chick Nite girls. A varying group of us gather at my house on those Fridays where future ex has the boys. They surprised me on this particular night. I have to just say here how much my neighbors rock. If you recall, I had prayed long and hard for good neighbors. All I wanted were quiet people who weren't flicking cigarettes into my yard or peeing on my lawn. What I have gotten is a huge support group and some really awesome friends. God rocks.


Oct 31st - the Pokemon pumpkin I attempted for Pokemon Boy. It's a Piplup. Look it up because I don't get it, either. I had to make my own pattern as there were no carving patterns for any Pokemon that I was able to find.


...and here is the puppy pumpkin I attempted for Lil' Bro. He wanted me to make "Buddy" - his Old Navy plush dog rattle. Again, this was a pattern I made myself. It didn't really photograph well. I did the best I could. I wasn't thrilled with it but he loved it. I guess that's all that matters.


Nov 3rd - Lil' Bro came down with a weird fever thing. The first hint was how he fell asleep on the ottoman in the middle of a TV show. He slept like this for probably 30 minutes or more. Note the lack of concern on Pokemon Boy's face in the background.


Nov 17th - I kept Lil' Bro up too late, apparently. Pokemon Boy informed me that I might need to put Lil' Bro to bed. I asked why he thought that. He directed me to the back of the couch. This is what I found - the back view. Note that he's sleeping on top of a large metal model Nascar.


...and here is the front view. Fast asleep on his "Buddy" dog. I cannot tell you how much this face slays me. I wish you could see the whole view of him sprawled out amongst all of the toys. It really was quite a testament to my Mother of the Year skills.


Dec 22nd - Lil' Bro had his 4th birthday fun at one of those inflatable places in town. Pokemon Boy, Neighbor Boy and Neighbor Girl all joined him for the jumping fun. Here they are posing for me. Bunch of goobers!


...here is Pokemon Boy doing his best to look not jealous of all the presents and attention Lil' Bro was getting that day. I just think this is a cute shot of the both of them.


Dec 24th - Christmas Eve - Here is a shot of the fireplace after my Ridiculously Tall Bro-In-Law finished assembling the wheelie car thingies. Big Sis helped me stuff the boys' stockings. Mine had 2 things of chocolate in it. The 4th stocking had toys for the dogs. Wanda, do you see your print up there on the mantle? Don't worry - it's slated to be properly framed and hung. I promise!


...and here is how the front room looked with all of the presents placed under and around the tree. I just love my tree. And Big Sis helped me drag all the presents from my room down to the tree. She rocks, if I haven't mentioned that already.


Dec 25th - Christmas Day - There are tons of shots of the boys opening their glut. But this one just defines them. We had to take a lengthy break in the opening of presents at one point. Both boys had opened books. So we had to stop while they read their books. I love that they didn't chuck them across the room in disgust. Like I probably would have. HA!

Pretty Boring Confessions

Ok, in the interest of holding myself accountable to my wonderful ABCs and the hand full of family/friend lurkers (I prefer to pretend only nice, sane people read my blog), I will confess my rather boring failing today. It bugged me enough to remain on the tip of my brain all weekend. So I'll tell you about it.

I have a personality trait that is, at times, a great boon and, at other times, a horrid tool in the meddling hands of my insecurity. I have the ability to shift gears on a dime. By this I mean, I can adjust my attitude, demeanor, language, body language, etc., to match those of almost anyone else. I tend to draw the line when I encounter someone that upsets me, makes my skin crawl or commits crimes on a regular basis. But in my day to day in life, I meet generally nice people. And I tend to shift into their gear - often without even realizing it.

This is a boon when I am trying to greet new people at my church. Or when I see someone standing alone in a crowded social situation. Or when people at work are in contention. I am - to borrow a joke from SNL - a unificator. I like to make people feel at ease. I like them to be comfortable. If I can sense what will help with that, I oblige. So yah, it can be a gift. It has helped me in many situations.

In high school, this ability wasn't honed very well. And I was a mass of insecurity and low self esteem (yes, welcome to "Being a Teenage Girl"). So this ability usually manifested as a way to make people like me. It was probably more of a silent begging for people to like me. It also meant that I would morph into anything I believed they would like or think "cool" or who knows what. Unfortunately for me, some of my more observant friends dubbed me 'The Chameleon' because of this. Even more unfortunate was the fact that one of these observant "friends" was a cartoonist and I - The Chameleon - ended up being a regular character. The desperately insecure me loved that I was part of the cartoon. The much smaller me that actually had some pride left hated it. This memory still had the power to unravel me until a few years ago. Interesting that I just remembered that.

So where is this all going, you ask? Good question. They probably should have really dubbed me 'The Rambler'.

This morphing trait has stayed with me. In the last decade or two, I have been able to use my super powers for the good of mankind. I'm a social freak. I can't stand when anyone is left out. I can't stand unresolved conflict. I can't stand communication gaps. I am The Unificator!

But here and there, I still run into situations where I feel insecure. I don't know why. And if you could see some of the situations, you'd say, "But L.y.n.e.t.t.e, those people like you already. Why do you feel the need to impress them?" That part could be the topic of a 3 day conference, to be sure. But the fact remains, I still have this problem of needing to impress or needing approval. Often, I want this approval from people that are not exactly 100% aligned with what is most important to me.

The most recent manifestation of the dark side of my trait came this past Friday. I didn't have the kids and that meant it was my neighborhood Ladies' Nite Out - or Chick Nite, as I like to call it. It was 3 of my awesome neighbors, one mom of a classmate of The Boy, and one neighbor's coworker. Just six moms getting a break in a totally safe environment. No rules. No pretension. Just sitting around, eating snacks, drinking some wine, beer and/or coffee, chatting about nothing in particular. Lots of laughter. Totally totally safe. And no reason I need to impress. They're already my friends.

But I found myself reverting to my kind of tough act. That's the only way I can describe it. It's the defensive me. The group of ladies are lots of fun. And language was free. Some colorful, some not. But I found myself throwing around the stories that I knew would get the reactions. The ones that would get the "Really? You did THAT?" kind of reactions. Or throwing around my sailor talk. Not that I have a problem with that. But lately, it's not really me. Not like that. I don't know why I felt the need. I wonder if it was because I was the oldest one there. Or because I'm scared, being the only single one there. Or because I'm scared of being alone - reverting back to the knee-jerk reaction of desperately wanting them to like me so I won't feel so alone.

I'm sitting here thinking about this because that's the first time I tried to put the "why" to it. I bet it's a combination of all three of those things and probably more. Don't want to become the suburban soccer mom that I already am. Don't want to fit into the overweight stereotype of my area. Don't want to admit I might have become dull after all my years of being so "exciting" and "colorful" in the music scene. Which, if memory serves, really wasn't all that great anyway which was why I didn't pursue it more.

I think it just reminded me of an old me that I thought had died back in 2005 - when I realigned my life back onto a path seeking God. For the last 2 years, I thought I was rock solid with God. Nothing could derail me. I think I've been more freaked by the reality of that not always being a sure thing. I mean, God is the sure thing. But me - the human - I'm not a sure thing. And recently, I was majorly derailed by - of all things - a major crush. I was totally wigged out by my inability to focus on God during that time. It scared me to death. It passed. But with much effort on my part to rip my focus from this person and put it back on God (and many phone calls to Jane in stead of that guy!). And let me tell you, to do that, I had to release this person from my heart. I didn't want to. I had lots of conversations with God that went something like, "But God, why can't HE be the next one you have for me?!!!" And I knew why. But I just didn't want to be alone. I don't like not being in love. I don't like not feeling loved romantically. I KNOW God should be the end-all, be-all for me. And ultimately, he is. But I'm human and I have those stupid human moments where, dammit, I want a man. And I want to feel worthy of his attention. And I want him to pursue ME. And I want to see effort made to get my attention. And I want to be in love again. With a human. I want to have that excited woogy feeling when I think about this person. I want to anticipate the next time I'll get to see him. I want to get all excited when he texts me. I want to burst into a huge smile when I see an email from him. But I gave it up to God. Begrudgingly.

And let me tell you...God is really really really sensitive. He didn't just rip the crush from my heart. He slowly turned my heart back to Him. He slowly pointed out a few things like it was not the right time. I'm still a mess. He lives too far away. Our lifestyles are just too different. He's much too young for what I need. And the number one thing I've been crowing about since future ex blew my heart out of my rib cage: he's not a Christian.

So God got me refocused. But The Chameleon still lurks there. Still clutching at my insecurities. Waiting for that time when I'm not paying attention. All the more reason to stay focused on God. All the more reason to surround myself with my God-friends.

I know I'll be 100% again some day. Some day, this whole divorce thing will be completely in the past - chronologically, legally, emotionally. But I think I'm still weak and vulnerable yet. It will take a while. So I will stubbornly cling to God. The nice thing is, his hand is always stretched out toward me. Makes it much easier. All I have to do is turn back toward him and - boom! - there it is.

That was a bit more rambling and disorganized than I had intended. It was definitely a stream of consciousness. Took on a life of its own. I think I actually figured a thing or two out here.

Thanks for listening.