Have I Mentioned I've Been Migraine-Free?

This is one of my long rambly posts.  But enough people have asked about my lack of migraines.  So here we go.

I've been migraine-free since the end of February of this year (2015).  This is huge.  If you've live with any kind of recurring or chronic pain, you'll hear the miraculous wonder in that statement.  If you're like I used to be and think migraines are just people with bad headaches being big wannies, you may not care about any of this.

In Feb of 2015, I had a month-long migraine. I barely worked that month. I lost 10 lbs from not being able to eat from all the migraine-induced puking. This was another of periodic migraines I started having in early 2008.  But I had never had one for a whole month.  I had never felt so "wrong" that I was scared.  I mean, scared.  My mother got me into the ER, barely able to walk, dry heaving, couldn't talk, could barely see. Sounds familiar to some of you, I bet. 

My blood pressure was stroke levels from the pain. Usually, they dose me with IV anti-nausea and other things that make me loopy and tired. I tend to sleep and wake in an hour or two able to deal with light and sound, kissing doctors and thanking them for the miracle of making that my-skull-is-about-to-explode pain go away. This time, the cocktail in my arm barely took the edge off and the blood pressure stayed dangerously high. At one point while I dozed, my heart rate dropped from around 128 bpm to 30 bpm making my mom have to rally help - nurses shook me awake and annoyed me in my deep stupor. After about 4 hrs or so, I went home with a scrip for blood pressure meds, still unable to eat or function. 

The ER doctor recommended I see a neurologist. I'd seen one before for neck bone spurs. Like all the other doctors I asked about my migraines, he told me no one really knows what causes migraines.  They all present differently.  Everyone has different triggers.  Of all the different meds available, everyone will swear this one works while that one doesn't.  So I stopped asking.  Why waste a specialist co-pay to have some doctor shrug and say we don't know but try THIS pill.  So when the ER doc gave my mom the neuro info, I planned to toss it.

The next morning, I was so bad again - and feeling so "wrong" again - I called my mom.  She came, saw my condition, and called the neurologist. You know how long it takes to get an appointment with neurologists? You make appointments 6 weeks out.  Mom described my situation and they said bring her in.

STEP 2: [I'll get to Step 1 later]  Get to a neurologist (or other doc) that understands the brain's metabolism and its role in migraines. It helps if my mom is there to drag you but I'm not sure that's a viable option for most of you.

My mom took me to the local Scott & White clinic where we saw the amazing Dr. Stephanie Vertrees. I didn't hold much hope but I was too sick to protest.  She proceeded to explain that migraines are an issue with the metabolism in your brain. Now here I will go into my "here's how I understand it" language.  Think of all the parts of your brain and what they do in your body. Lots of parts, lots of functions.  Lots of tiny things and major things are controlled by that big blob in my head.  So if the metabolism is off over HERE in me, then I'm in pain, puking, sweating through 4 blankets, sensitive to light and sound, etc.  If it's off over THERE in someone else, it presents as a stroke and they can't use one side of their body.  For others, they lose sight. Some see halos.  Some feel like they have the flu.  Others are just not hungry.  It's why everyone has different triggers and different remedies help or not.  This is precisely why it's really hard to nail down for doctors.  It reminds me of the difficulty M.S. patients have in getting diagnosed correctly.  They endure months or years of being misdiagnosed and/or people thinking they're hypochondriacs. Migraine sufferers do, too, sometimes.

Dr. Vertrees explained that some people are having migraines and don't even know it.  I was just one of many suffers where the pain and puking centers are affected.  Yay me.  The weird thing is, we also discovered my Austin allergies (Google that and you'll see Austinites feel very uniquely plagued by allergies - to the point many just accept it as their fate and kind of brag about their suffering.  I was one such Austinite) didn't exist.  Well not all of them.  I suffered for years during every flare up of every pollen or mold or dust around.  And I mean snot factory from hell that eventually settled in my lungs and gave me bronchitis.  Or gave me sinus infections.  When Dr. Vertrees saw me, I described my ER visit was complete with painfully full sinuses from my allergy congestion.  So I knew that was my trigger.  She pulled up the CT scan they had done and showed me completely empty sinuses.  COMPLETELY empty.  But in the ER - and in her office - I was swallowing copious amounts of mucus draining down the back of my throat.  Yah.  My brain was off kilter.  And my migraines mimic sinus allergies.

STEP 3: Tell the doc EVERYTHING you're taking, how much, and for how long.  Discuss what to remove and what to add. And I mean everything. Everything you put in your body - food, coffee, alcohol, weed, other - affects your body. Your brain is part of your body. It matters.  Tell your doc everything or the solution they design for you may not help.

What to remove: Dr. Vertrees weaned me off my self-imposed regimen (i.e. - "The Only Thing That Worked For Me") of the evil Sudafed in the morning, Benadryl at night, and Excedrin Migraine whenever I felt the first inklings of a migraine. I kept this in my bag, some at home, and some at work.  I tried to never be without my rescue meds within arm's reach.  Sadly, what had actually worked in the beginning when nothing else would had become one of the things whacking my brain's metabolism.  All of those things work fine here and there - when actually NEEDED.  But I was dosing this almost daily.  Yah you may say 'Stupid' and you may be right.  But let me tell you - or ask your friends that suffer migraines - when you find something that stops that pain?  That pain that has you crawling across the floor to puke into anything you can get to?  Yah, you take that and stick to it.

I had actually already started weaning myself from Sudafed as I was seeing my allergy symptoms were persistent with or without it.  And I knew it wasn't something to take daily.  That may have been the trigger for my month-long migraine: Withdrawal.  So the part where it will get worse before it gets better was already behind me.

What to add: Dr. Vertrees put me on daily doses of three over the counter supplements - Magnesium, B2 (riboflavin), and CoEnzyme Q10 - and one prescription antidepressant - Amitriptyline.  Now this is where I will speak caution.  She gave me this combination.  She may give you a different combination.  Amitriptyline was her second choice of antidepressants for me.  Her first choice would have put a strain on my single kidney.

For addressing acute pain symptoms, she gave me a three level attack.  I mentioned that the ER usually hit me first with anti-nausea meds.  They found that anti-nausea meds work better on migraines where the big time pain killers they were trying seemed to make them workse.  So my first level of attack was - at the first feelings of "oh here comes a migraine", I took a prescription anti-nausea she gave me - 10mg tablets of prochlorperazine (yes I typed that while looking at the bottle).  We all have different things that we recognize as precursors to a migraine.  I wasn't going to risk it.  So the first few times I felt it, I hit it with the anti-nausea med.

If that didn't seem to do the trick within 15-20 minutes (and I often didn't wait that long to find out), I hit it with prescription Naproxen (550mg).  That's a smidge over two Aleve.  If I still felt things escalating, I hit it with a prescription 40mg pill of Relpax.  This stuff is pricey.  She gave me a scrip for 9 pills.  I thought that's insane and won't last me.  I just looked in my original bottle and there are two still in there.

I hit my "here it comes" moments with the first one-two punch of the anti-nausea + Naproxen quite often in the first two months.  I've only used 5 Relpax and only had two migraines break through (in the early months).  But the two that broke through didn't lay me up in bed for 48 hrs or have me puking.  They were just bad headaches that made me feel like I had a mild hangover.  But I was functional.

STEP 4: Take the damned meds.

So as of March 2015, that was my new daily regimen. Seriously easy peasy.  The only other new thing was to remain on the blood pressure meds.  It took a couple of months working with my primary doc to get the right med and dosage but I'm good in that area now.  At my first 6 week follow up (I think it was 6 weeks), Dr. Vertrees was so happy with my progress, she hugged me!  I told her I didn't do anything!  All I had to do was take 4 things every day.  How hard is that?  She told me I'd be surprised how many people don't take them or don't stick to them.  I thought, those people weren't barfing into a bucket wondering when their right eye would explode.  But what do I know.

You'll notice my steps started with Step 2.  I went back and changed that when I thought of this.  

STEP 1: Keep a headache journal. 

If you want to work with someone toward a solution, keep a headache journal for a while.  I'd suggest for a month or two.  Bring that with you to your doctor.  It will help them immensely.  Write down every head throb, pain, migraine, weird bodily symptom. Note when it happened.  Where it happened.  What was going on?  Were you stressed (I had a particular stressor at work last year that would send my blood pressure into my ears when he walked into my office)?  Had you just eaten something?  Did you just wake up?  Did it coincide with your allergies?  Did the low-pressure system blow in and knock you off your feet?  Did it start with a sinus pressure headache?  Anything you can think of.  That will help you and your doc see patterns.

MY RESULTS:

I have been out of the ER for migraines since that stint in February 2015.  I haven't taken anything stronger than Aleve.  I have taken Sudafed a few times when I had a cold or flu.  My seasonal allergies are gone.  Sometimes I feel a flare up but wonder if that's really allergies or remnants of migraine activity.  I've thought I should get a scratch test to find out for sure.

I have a big ol' bottle of the anti-nausea pills that I don't need any more.  I have a bottle of Naproxen in my bag and a partial bottle at home.  I don't keep any in my work desk.  I rarely take it.  And as I said before, I still have two of the 9 original Relpax pills and doubt I'll use them.

I'm currently weaning myself (by doctor's direction) from the Amitriptyline, magnesium, CoQ10, and B2.  I'm down to taking it about twice a week.  And no headache symptoms.

I have no doubt the stress of my first divorce (complete with shingles) back in 2007-2008 was the straw that broke my camels health.  The resulting depression eating (or lack thereof) messed up any nutritional stability I may have had.  The subsequent resuming of my typical American diet took another axe whack at my body's health.  So you can see the long road to just totally hosing my body's metabolism.  And therefore my brain's metabolism.

I'm trying to eat better for my migraines, my blood pressure, and so my kids aren't dealing with the trauma of losing their mom.  I don't ever want to go back to the pain of those migraines.

My results with Dr. Vertrees speak for themselves.  The explanation of migraines being directly linked to the person's brain metabolism makes absolute sense to me.  Addressing that with meds and nutrition makes absolute sense to me.  Even as a person who prefers not to take meds (believe it or not), I would do it again in a heart beat.  I will NEVER deal with that pain again if I don't have to.

That's what worked for me.  If you're in the greater Austin area - or can even drive here easily - get to Dr. Vertrees.  She's no snake-oil salesman.  This is the real deal.  She's incredibly nice and the Scott & White staff there is stellar.

Take that how you will.

On This Day

So Facebook has a new-ish feature 'On This Day' that shows you posts you made or were tagged in from the same day in past years.  Today's posts from a year ago show how much God has brought the boys and me through in this last year.

A year ago today, I had the second discovery of THIS divorce.  In a twisted replay of the previous 2008 divorce, the ex had faked three months of marriage counseling and promises of 'doing the Hard Work to put our family back together.'  Social media plus the arrogance of thinking you could never get caught exposed the lies and two marriages were blown straight to hell. It was the day the ex finally lost any respect or love on my part.  It was the last day he saw TheBoy unless it was by accident.  The ex left our house with his car covered in mustard and 'F*** You' written in Silly String on his back windshield; both editorial gifts from TheBoy.

We have since spent the year juggling appointments with various counselors and doctors, finding the right dosages of meds for TheBoy and me, having late night sessions of talking, crying, or raging. I have listened to my beautiful boy calmly tell me he had thoughts that it would be easier to be dead.  I stepped out of a management position at work to gain the flexibility to come in late or leave early to get to counselors, psychiatrists, or whetever.  I have spent weeks and months not even wanting to fight the depression this time.  Wanting to just stay in the cave.  Wanting to tell everyone and their varied levels of honesty to just piss off and leave me alone.

I've never let go of God.  Actually, he's never let go of me.  In the first recovery, I feel I was more proactive in that whole "press into God" thing. I prayed, I cried, I read, I plead, I threw myself into My Father's lap.  This time, I think I was just existing.  Existing in God's presence.  Like sitting in a dark room just being.  Knowing God was all around me but not really trying to talk to or beg of him.  I think I just kind of sat in the dark confident he was doing His Work.  I had no energy.  I had no fight.  Not for me.  I didn't have a second round in me.  So I existed. Knowing I should be reading His Word.  Knowing I should have been running to church to serve in any capacity I could find.  Knowing I should have been praying and seeking and Trying.  Like last time.

But I didn't want to.  I still don't want to.  I want to stay in the cave wrapped in my hard-won knowledge that nobody is trustworthy.  Everyone lies.  Marriages are painted just like women in makeup.  Hollywood peddles a fucked up idea of love.  And the entitled narcissists in America think love conquers all and you have to follow your heart and certain people Belong Together and everyone else in the way are just extras in the movie of their epic love story.  All is fair in love and war.

So yah.  I'm cynical.  I'm untrusting.  I'm angry.  I'm disappointed.  I have a very different view of what is important in life and what is just ridiculous distraction.

It will change.  It already is changing.  I've forced myself out of the cave I've built.  TheBoy has, too.  Those close to us can see a change.  There has been a shift.  Not a huge u-turn.  But a turn of some kind.

We are not lost to the dark side.  I'm not 100% devoid of life or love.  Just today, I'm sharing a year's worth of struggle in one post.  So it's bleak.  Sorry.  God is still doing His Work.  And I'm letting him.  I will keep doing mine. I continue to provide for and raise my boys.  To be vigilant for shadows that cross TheBoy's heart, mind, or psyche. 

To ensure I don't just get sucked into the void of hate, I love in the small ways right now.  I love in a fashion that I can handle at the moment.  I have focused my efforts anonymously to people I don't know.  I feel like that's where I can actually show real love right now.  To people I don't know.  People from which I expect nothing.  I ask God to guide my little acts.  And he shows me.  I feel like it's tuning me into hearing him better.  And if I can help people without any faith in God or humans to have just a tiny bit of faith because of some random stranger? Ima just do it.

Lil'Bro is thankfully young enough to deal much better.  He sees the ex a few times a month. He doesn't like what the ex did but missing his dad outweighs his anger.  TheBoy will take longer.  At fifteen, the impact of the deceit and betrayal is just huge.

I know things could be worse. I'm aware that my plight is mine and is nothing compared to the horrors going on around the world.  But I share because sometimes sanity comes through reading something seemingly minor that makes you realize you're not alone.

I'm not alone.  I've always got God.  And he is incredibly generous in surrounding me with neighbors, friends, coworkers, family, and church family that - for some reason - walk with me.  Through my moods.  My ups and my caves.  Or maybe they just want me for my pies.

Still Not Beaten

How interesting My last post was a year ago today. It was when I was pissed but still hopeful. Today, I'll go to court to have the second divorce finalized. The Man will once again become The Ex.

The first time, I went through it all hoping God would put it all back together someday. Not today.  Today, I go through it all knowing it is done. God laid out a perfect reconciliation before two imperfect people. Like I told BigBro last night: we're not puppets. He lets us exercise our free will. But here's the thing. God stands with me still. He stood with me through the insanity of my rage. Through my darkness and depression. Through my disgust with everything around me. He stays with me as I force myself out of my cave. He stays with me when I say "No way, screw this," and retreat back into it. He whispers wisdom I certainly don't possess when I counsel my boys through this horrible path. He waits patiently for me. The Creator and The Light waits patiently. HE waits for ME. Wow.  He knows when to nudge me. He knows when to let me have my human moments. He reminds me of the things I am afraid I've lost forever. He doesn't drown me in all of the promises I already know are there but just can't fathom at the moment. He IS the Promises. And I know He is there. Has been. Is. Will be.

So this time..."this time"...meh. So this time, I go to court with two of my God-send friends by my side. And I don't hold the hope of reconciliation. I don't hold anything for my ex at this particular moment. I hold on to the Fact. The Fact that God already knows how He will bring beauty from this horror show. The Fact that it will happen. Because the unbearable pain I thought I couldn't weather again? It's been weathered. Mostly. And the hard anger-born cynicism with which I regard all the lightness around me? He will crack that, too.

Still not broken. Suck it satan. 

Waiting Well: Wedding of the Decade

This past Saturday, August 16th, 2014, found me an the now former TheEx remarry.  A friend posted a then-and-now picture of our 1996 wedding kiss with the 2014 kiss.

Obviously I need a new moniker for TheEx. Without getting overly fancy, I'm going with TheMan until I think of something better.

I think our wedding is not only representative of the miracle of reconciliation but also of the support system God set up around me.  Let me show you how:

My wonderful mom went with me to the church to figure out the placement of tables and chairs.  It's not a regular shaped venue.  I just couldn't picture the placement of the 18-20 rectangular tables in the space.  She had a vision and was able to show me.  It worked perfectly.

TheEngineer (hubby to the fabulous C.Beth/C.BethCrochet) showed up and helped set up all of the ginormous tables for me and mom.  On his day off.  He rocks.

The lovely Trish and Gwen flew in to represent my Boston church small group from back in 2005. They stayed with my fabulous mom because I knew the three would instantly bond.  Which they did.  Gwen is also a tiny tornado of assistance.  If you've even thought you might need something done, she somehow senses it and is instantly doing!  They helped mom and me set up and decorate the tables for the wedding. They also came into the bride dressing room and prayed over me.

The fabulous ladies from my small group worked with our friend Calli Cupcake to make and ice 200 cupcakes in three amazing flavors.

A last minute discovery at the church was that my skirt (which had to be hiked up under my armpits because it's made for some statuesque Amazonian) now had front slits up to a very not ok region.  So when I walked, way more was going to show than anyone wanted!  Mom retrieved needle and thread from her car and went to work.  At the same time, my friend Heather ran to the local Walmart to grab some white leggins - just in case! So modesty was restored and I could show off my fancy wedding shoes without making anyone blush!

Our wedding plans were all about simplicity. And not spending money on stuff we would just throw away after the wedding.  I didn't want flowers for that reason.  My cupcake brigade ladies weren't ok with that and all chipped in to get me the most gorgeous bouquet and a boutonniere for TheMan.  They surprised me back in the bridal room! What sweet love from my friends.

The ceremony was performed by our pastor and friend Shayne.  He's been part of our story since we joined this church.  So it was special to have him seal the deal!

Our wonderful boys, TheBoy and LilBro walked me down the aisle to their dad.

They had worked out a little skit when Shayne asked them who gave this woman to be married to this man.  They conferred behind me as to the worthiness of their dad for this honor.  They said things like:
    LilBro: "I don't know...he smells kind of funny!"
    TheBoy:  "Yah, he smells like onions and disappointment!"
and
   LilBro: "I think Liam Neeson would be a better choice..."
The finished by coming forward and TheBoy saying, "I'm sorry to say but we can't..." TheMan interrupted them by stepping forward, pulling a $50 bill from his pocket and asking if that could change their minds.  TheBoy quickly snatched the money and said "Yes!  Yes it does!"  We were all dying!

The afore mentioned TheEngineer stood up with TheMan.  My BigSis stood with me.  The boys flanked us.  At one point, Shayne invited our friends to step up and say something about our relationship.  TheEngineer started.  His vulnerable statements and clear emotion had us all choked up.  He spoke of how something had always made him stand up for and love TheMan - even during the very rough years.  His love of TheMan and never wavering friendship is something I will never forget.  I suspect it is a major reason why TheMan really believed in God's love - seeing it lived out in this friendship.

Then his wife C.Beth was next.  She spoke of our friendship.  She got me when she said the reason so many people love and support me is because I love and support so many people.  I have to remember that because I tend to only thing of my snarky side.

Our worship leader and friend Adam (one half of the supremely talented Stone & Crow) handled the video (soft lights flickering on the 3 video screens), playing our wedding playlist, and cuing up the entrance and exit songs.  It's so generous when a friend who is invited to the wedding volunteers to also work that wedding.  He gave us one more thing to not worry about.

During the ceremony, during the 100+ degree heat, the caterer arrived.  Our friend BBQDave left the fun to go help him lug in the food and drinks.  It was not fun or glamorous work but he volunteered and handled it all.  I love him! When we queued up for the receiving line in front of the catered dinner line, a friend informed us that the caterer had forgotten plates and cups.  Three church friends, PJ, Derek and Kaydean, jumped behind the cafe.  PJ immediately grabbed plates and coffee cups and the three of them got the food line going!  Again - I had dropped the ball on the little detail of getting volunteers to serve.  And my friends just jumped in.  I love them so much!  PJ also later announced to everyone that there was plenty of food and everyone who wanted could have seconds.  Or thirds!!!  A bunch of us took a lot of food home. Yum!

My sweet brother-in-law, TallGuy, had to run to Walmart to grab ice.  Another forgotten detail by either me or the caterer.  I don't really know or care.  But he ran and did it.  Goodness!!

So, only due to the quick thinking and willingness of my family and friends to jump in, we became Mr. and Mrs TheMan.

Marriage License: Milestone in a Whacked Up Love Story

So yesterday, we went to the county clerk and applied for our marriage license.  The kids came with us.  Pretty amazing.  We posted this picture on my Facebook page and it had almost 200 likes by the end of the day.  I think it's safe to say we have quite a few people who are fans of our reconciliation.

Here's a selfie we shot at the 8 hour marriage course we took a couple of weeks ago.  It was a great class for any level of relationship.  And it got us $60 off the price of our marriage license.  So...you know...there's THAT...

God rocks, man.

Engaged: Milestone in a Whacked Up Love Story

Yesterday, The Once and Future Husband proposed! That's his grandmother's ring I have worn since she gave it to us when we first got engaged in 1996.  I had taken it off recently to die my hair (badly).  I told him where it was and told him to put it on the correct hand when he was ready.  I said it rather angrily.  Yesterday, he put it on my left hand as I left the laundry room (all gross and sweaty).  Then he asked if I would marry him! So yah.  Yesterday pretty much rocked.

This was how I announced it on Facebook

This was a (completely posed) reaction face from BigBro and LilBro as we celebrated with a nice dinner:

This is my current Facebook profile picture.  It's a selfie we took last month at a hockey game:

'Cause I'm classy like that

So.  Yah.

Yah and So THIS Happened...

Thanks to my friend CBeth for letting me borrow this picture from her. And yes, that IS my new boyfriend getting baptized. And yes, he sure DOES look a lot like TheEx...

The Forgiven

What's your unforgivable sin? I mean, the one that you could never forgive. I can think of a few that would test my ability to survive.  Most of which I've asked God to never let me be tested in that way.

In 2007, I encountered one at the top of my short-sighted limited list and called a lawyer.  A year later, I stood in front of a judge as he signed my divorce papers.  I stood with the same deer in the headlights look as about 10 other people sitting there waiting their turn.

The majority of my divorce survival, I prayed for different things. Mostly, "God, help me get through this moment, hour, day."  But often I asked him to please put true forgiveness in my heart.  I knew it wouldn't happen solely by my own efforts.  Back then, if you Googled "Hell Hath No Fury", I would swear you'd have found my picture.

God kept me . . . sane, I guess.  When I wasn't attempting to control my fate, he generally kept me from hatred.  He was also good enough to allow me the ugly feelings.  But he didn't let me settle there.

God sent my parents here.  He put me in a very unique neighborhood full of friends that helped (and still do).  Often times, unasked.  He gave me the perfect church of patient people able to nurture me while I remained encapsulated in my pain and struggle, often unable to comprehend that anyone else could be hurting as badly as I was or hurting at all.

During the whole time, God worked on The Ex, too.  Quite frequently, he let me witness it.

In 2010, The Ex returned to my state and town. An answer to many prayers of two awesome boys.  And to many of my own.  But it was hard.  It renewed my pain, anger, resentment and need to see him punished.

He returned to various levels of disdain - not just from me but from those in my world that had stood by me.  His own struggle with guilt and shame was made heavier by the judgment of those that loved me.

God sent some of His True People to The Ex.  My pastors, my music director & his wife, and a couple of other folks from my church.  Many of my friends took their lead from me and allowed themselves to be friendly to him.  Many were surprised to find he wasn't a horrible person.

It has taken almost three years in close proximity but God is rocking real forgiveness.  My parents treat The Ex like family now.  My BigSis and her TallGuy would have been first in line to kick his ass back in the early days of the horror show.  And now they accept him as family, too.  That is some grace right there, I tell yah.

You will be shocked and dismayed to hear that I am not perfect.  Nay, it is so.  Most days, I feel like I have completely forgiven The Ex and can be perfectly strong in our friendship.  We laugh a lot.  We watch TV with the boys a lot.  We eat out a lot.  I mean, he was my best friend for 17 years.  Losing that was awful.  God restoring our friendship is just one in a huge thread of miracles in this story.

My imperfection comes in the fragility of my resolve.  I am easily undone by events that remind me of the wrong done me.  I am easily undone by the enemy reminding me of things The Ex did back when we were dissolving.  I am easily undone by any tiny misstep he takes in our friendship.

Over and over these last few years, God keeps reminding me "There IS no unforgivable sin." Not with God.  Humans, sure.  We have our limits.  But even those can be overcome if we ask God to help us.  So I keep asking God to help me forget.  Wipe the bad memories from my brain.  When they come, I tell the enemy to piss off.  Then I box up the memory or emotion, put it down and ask God to take it.  Then I ask him to help me move on without it.  To help me make NEW memories with my friend, The Ex.

Since the holidays - when I had a major Hell Hath No Fury meltdown with The Ex - we have turned a major corner.  We communicate more regularly.  If something is eating at me and I can't make it leave, I tell The Ex.  And he will talk to me.  Sometimes, he lets me cry or vent or just explain how frustrated I am.  I keep thinking each of these episodes will chase him off again.  He has told me that will never happen again.

We are working with God, our church, and counselors to clear the mess between us.  We don't have to FIX all the problems that were there right this minute.  But we are both committed to get them out in the open, identify them, work at making sure we don't repeat it.  How could we ever move on to new relationships if we can't do that?

My point to this whole blathering mess is this: There IS no unforgivable sin.  For me as a human, there are offenses that could take me a lifetime to forgive.  But The Ex has a blank slate from God.  I get a re-do from God all the time.  I want to give The Ex the same blank slate that God already gave him.  And that God repeatedly gives me.

It doesn't really matter what he or I did to break our marriage and get it to the point where we canned it.

What matters is my God came down and suffered all the trappings of humanity - including torture and murder - to allow me my blank slate and freedom from the slavery of a crazy litany of rules.  The least I can do is forgive someone for being imperfect and allow him to be the wonderful guy I met back in the late 80's and shared my life with for 17 years.  And I thank God that he's given The Ex an extra helping of patience to deal with my imperfect humanity while I ride the roller coaster of forgiveness.

Long Time Gone

I haven't written here in over a year. That's kind of sad and kind of wonderful. I started this blog to write about our journey with Tourette's. That was derailed by me using this blog as an outlet as I struggled through my divorce and becoming a very shaky single mom.

So the sadness is, I used to write here every day. Then weekly, monthly, never. I miss the community a few of us built here.

The wonderful is, I needed this to work out fears and experiences with Tourette's that I just new would increase and rule my life. It has disappeared and is only in my life when it comes from external sources. I needed this to work through heart break, incredible emotional pain and deep deep depression. You all were my social checkpoint. I had trouble feeling like relating in person. Now, some of you are still connected to me on Facebook, through email (remember email?!), or in real life. And the divorce...well there's a story for you.

Let's catch up a bit.

In 2010, I think I mentioned The Ex moved back from Boston. While happy for my boys, I certainly didn't need someone messing up my routine or trying to insert himself into my parenting. It wasn't an easy adjustment. Having him 3000 miles away gave me a huge buffer zone. I didn't have to deal with him. Suddenly, BOOM! I had to deal with him. And all the memories and anger and resentment that came with that.

I have ridden the roller coaster of TotallyOverIt or HellHathNoFury. It has slowly gone from insane highs and lows to more even keeled. The Ex and I started getting along well and hanging out a lot.

2011 & 2012, more of the same. I worked. I did the mom thing. The Ex helped out quite a lot. And I tell yah, after 3 yrs of asking for help from my awesome mom or amazing neighbors or rockin' church family, it was good to have help from the person that SHOULD help.

My awesome church had a huge transition. After our head pastors moved to CA, we steadily began losing members. Small to begin with, it didn't take much to take the wind out of our sails. We got a church adviser that helped the remaining small group of families really take personal inventory and step up to the plate. It was a year of huge growth. And growth always comes with pain. But the growth was the main thing.

The Ex became our regular worship drummer. He also became a full believer! Something I prayed for for decades, never thinking I'd get to witness it. I stayed out of it because he wasn't my husband, we had too much history that involved religious differences. I wanted this all to be between him, God and whomever God sent to minister to him. And boy did God rock this! When God shows up for you personally? It's pretty difficult to discount him. But watching him seek God, question everything but with sincerity, not belligerence, watching him have real experience with the Presence of God...THAT was an honor.

We have found another amazing church. And this one, we both chose. The old church had been him coming into MY territory. As accepted as he was, it still had that feel for us. This church is OUR church. Which is very cool. He's on the worship team again. I'm serving all over the place. Currently, I am gearing up to facilitate another Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class. I'm helping with the food service. I'm helping with greeting, recycling, anything they need.

And I'm dating. After over 6 years of friends and family, I've just recently had about 4 dates with the same dude in about 2 weeks. And it's pretty cool.

A few people know who it is. The rest don't really need to know. He's private and I sure don't want to muck it up.

BigBro and LittleBro are doing amazingly well. BigBro will be 13 this summer. His Tourette's is gone and he is a huge testament to God's healing and grace. We prayed for total healing and left room in our minds for the possibility of God leaving it for some other purpose. But it's gone. BigBro's prayers have been so sincere and lacking the doubt and walls us adults bring to prayer. I think God gave him an early testimony. So I will always listen to and work with my doctors. But a human diagnosis will never have the last word for us. I leave that to God.

LilBro just turned 9. He is just as intelligent as his older brother but not as flashy. He is doing so well in school. His teachers over the last few years have recognized that he had some leadership qualities behind that shy little exterior. This year, he has been given some really great leadership tasks by his teacher. He rose to the occasion each time. He powered through the fear and did it. His confidence has soared.

So much has happened since my last posting in Nov 2011. Most of it incidental in this context. But if seeing my ex accept God/Jesus his life and heart is all I ever get? I'm totally ok with that!

I'll catch you up on other stuff soon. And I'll see if I can convince LilBro to let me post his current picture here. He is old enough where he gets to approve or veto any pic I post of him!

Dear God . . .

Dear God,

Thank you SO much for protecting me tonight on the highway. Thank you for the accident being minor. Thank you that the kids weren't in the car with me. Thank you that all 3 of us walked away unhurt. Thank you that we all drove our cars away. Thank you for the calm and kindness you put in all of us as we exchanged information.

(And thank you for sending two of the cutest motorcycle cops to deal with it!!)

I love you.

In Jesus' name,
ME

Updates on the Sermon Thingy

Thanks for all the prayers and support about my sermon/lesson/talking-thing.  It went swimmingly!  God totally rocked the calm and just flowed the words.  I'm pretty outgoing and good at faking confidence.  But I know how nervous I feel when I speak in public.  Especially speaking to people I have to deal with, you know?  It's not like a bunch of strangers you can say goodbye to and never see again!

But God rocked peace and calm and a steady voice.  I was worried I'd just stare at my notes and read them.  But I was speaking on something I feel very passionately about.  And God just kept the right subjects coming at the right time.

I spoke on tithing.  Not exactly people's most favorite subject!  I was worried I wouldn't have enough material.  Apparently, I spoke for over an hour.  Not surprising if you know me.  But I guess I made sense and kept people's attention (except a few nodders - I saw yah!).  I got a lot of feedback afterward from people saying I really spoke to them or gave them something to think about.

It was SO fun!  I'm SO thankful to God for just making it go so well.  I'm hoping he gives me more opportunities to speak.  Because I know he's given me a bunch of other subjects that are always flying around my head!

There's A Reason God Made Me Yappy

I have had this vision since probably high school or college days. Which is way back before the interwebz, kids. I have seen myself talking to large crowds. It makes sense. I'm a yapper. A rambler. A story teller. I never shut up. Even on here, I can rarely post a single paragraph. That Six Word Saturday? Yah, impossible.

But you know, if God makes you yappy, you're probably supposed to be talkin'. Unfortunately, for years, I have just talked. Thankfully, God seems to be putting tons of stories and lessons and messages in my head. I think I will do much better if I let THOSE come out.

This Sunday, I will be giving the lesson at my church. We've been having our 4 main leaders rotate in speaking while between pastors. And God kept reminding me of things in my head. I recently asked him to give me opportunities for public speaking. I wasn't sure what it would look like but just bring them.

Oh it's been brought-en!

I'll probably breathe in too much, forgetting to exhale. That'll be the battle for the first 5 minutes or so. I will battle the urge to interject bad jokes. But mostly, I will just ask God to get the right words that he wants people to hear to come out of my yappy story telling mouth.

On a funny note: I have 12 pages of notes to edit at the moment. So far, 8 of those pages are examples of God rocking the financial blessings from this very blog. I have so many examples of his miracles on here, it was hard to keep it to only those!!!

Rock on, God!

Quick Update For The 3 Of You That Keep Stopping By

TheBoy: I've noticed some eye tics. Excessive eye rolling, a little exaggerated blinking. I've noticed some stammering when he's talking. Kind of repeating partial phrases before getting it all out. I'm chalking it up to all the late summer nights and early summer mornings. I'm not concerned.

TheBoy will start middle school this year. This area of Texas has 6th grade in middle school. I think we're both a little nervous about that. But again, I know God will rock the awesome teachers like he always does.

Work: My work just had the 2nd round of layoffs last week. It was rough. I made the cut but you watch others get cut and it's just a stanky week all around. So now we are hugely depleted in terms of staff. And we still have the same amount of work. My team lost one very key person. She has TONS of knowledge and her personality is the one we all tended to rally around. She made the killer cupcakes and brought the team love. That was a painful cut. I'm happy to be friends with her separate from work. But it's very weird not to see her every day. *sigh*

Church: Our transition from pastors Kenny & Michelle to our new pastors is bumpy. The new pastors aren't in our state yet. We pray for God to rock the provision to get them here. But so far, it's not happening. I don't know if this is one of those times we'll learn to wait well or if this is God saying this is not what he has planned. Either way, I'll wait well for whatever he brings.

The transition from where I stand is not easy - on many levels. They never are. I am standing in my skin trying to figure out where to shut up and just unconditionally support and when to stand up and say, this is a problem. That has always been a battle for me. So I pray. And hope for God to show the way. I feel a need to speak up. So finding the right way to do so will be my next task.

Update on the Tourette's

A quick note to answer another wonderful TS mom, Andrea.

Yes, Andrea. I consider the TS gone. I didn't for a long time. BigBro has considered it gone for quite a while. I haven't seen a tic in, I can't even remember. His anxiety is such a non-issue, I would consider it gone, too. He will have moments of worry now and then but they seem very normal and appropriate for his age. So I'm calling that gone.

The thing I've been seeing lately is a severe distractibilty. Is that a word? I recently caught a piece of a PBS documentary on adult ADD. So many of the stories reminded me of adults in my life. I imagine many of us are running around with ADD and have no idea. I kind of think that's a good thing. But BigBro has been just off the charts distracted lately. And when I saw that PBS show with stories of adults that sounded just like him, I've been wondering. When he was diagnosed back at the age of 6 (4.5 yrs ago), she ruled out ADHD. So not sure.

I'm not a huge fan of the over use of ADD in the pediatric diagnosis world. So I'm not running to a doctor to say, Hey, do you think he has ADD? The documentary also pointed out that most ADD adults are also the ones on the creative cutting edge. They are the boundary-less cliff jumpers, of sorts. They said, most of the amazing progress in the world wasn't done by the people who stayed safely away from the edge of the cliff. BigBro is crazy creative and does many things outside the box. I'd rather leave him there. He's not unhappy. He is still unaware of any weird looks he may get. He has a good number of solid friends that I think are on their way to being amazing people.

He still has fuzzy social boundaries. But for every kid that walks away, there are about 3 that stay.

So yes, I will claim it as one of the many miracles God has done for this boy - starting from in the womb. I know God has put him here for something big. I've seen BigBro already affecting people's lives with God's love. And that may be the something big. I'll take it!

Thanks for asking, Andrea!

Blitzkrieg Update

I survived a week of layoffs at my company. This is round one of more to come. We expect more in June or July. There were many casualties. One of which is one of my two best friends at work. So that was rough. Fortunately, I know she counts on God in life. So once the initial shock wears off, I know she knows he's got her back.

My life is blessed. Not just dodging the layoff bullet. God's just got me feeling very peaceful and blessed. The imperfect me will try to unseat that feeling periodically. Fortunately, God is stronger than my wobbles.

Not much else to report. Very tired. Working each day, waiting to see who gets escorted from the building - it's oddly exhausting.

God rocks.

Happy New Year

So the 1st year of the 2nd decade in this 21st century is over. I've been looking at postings all over the web where people have extreme sentiments about how 2010 went. I have no such feelings. 2010 was another year. I have a year of my job under my belt. I've worked hard to learn all the new tricks this old dog has faced. I got used to a long commute after 3 yrs of working from home. We had school, birthdays, holidays, illness, fun and lots of laughter. All in all, I liked 2010.

I have even been able to handle the disappointment of not having hover cars, personal jet packs or silver unitards. Though the latter is probably a kindness in obese America.

I post less and less on this blog. Not by choice. But because of time. I have precious little truly free time and choose to spend it doing more important things [to me].

One of the things I love at each new year is recognizing that my need for this blog continues to shrink. It's original intent was to document my struggle with getting healthy. That was derailed quickly with BigBro's diagnosis with Tourette's. And even that had to share the spotlight with my big dumb divorce. This blog was my lifeline during those horribly painful initial divorce years. Thanks to my rockin' God, that need has grown less with each passing day.

The marriage implosion began a few days after New Year's 2007. I just did the math on my fingers and double checked it on my computer calculator. I have survived a full 4 years since then. God walked me through the cess pool of hell that was my divorce. He pulled me up out of the pit and kept walking with me through the dark forest of the 2nd year. He stayed by my side as I exited the dark woods and began taking tentative steps into light and rejoining the world around me. He set me up in strength and confidence. He surrounded me with an army of family and true friends. And I realize that his protection and help surrounded my boys along with me.

I wish I could document the amazing personal miracles I witnessed. I don't share them in such a public forum because many of them were very deeply personal answers to very specific prayers. Many involved things that happened to other people. So to share them here would probably seem out of context and would appear petty and mean in stead of amazing and glorious.

I can only say that, when all hell broke loose and the proverbial crap hit the fan back in January 2007, I learned what it meant to press into God. I threw myself on him. I finally found out what it felt like to count on him to even be able to open my eyes in the morning. And he came through. Hugely.

So 2011 finds me employed, living in the house I thought I'd lose. It finds my boys thriving and hardly any Tourette's symptoms.

I have no doubt God will continue me on an amazing path. Now that I can see beyond my own whining and pain, I can finally ask God, "Now what?" Scary question. But I'd like to think I'm ready to take on whatever it is he wants me to do.

Whew! Thank You, God.

I've been walking around for about 45 minutes just thanking God over and over.

It's Saturday night. I usually let the boys stay up to 9:30pm. But It's a Wonderful Life was on TV until 10:00 so I let them stay up. Around the time I would normally be putting them to bed, I was prepping food for church in the kitchen (I usually wait to prep during Saturday Night Live).

I had washed a bunch of grapes and had them drying. I got out a bowl, cutting board and pineapple to chop. As I stood up from getting the bowl, I smelled gas. At first I thought it was some weird smell from the plastic bag the pineapple was in. I moved around and caught it again. What in the world would smell like gas? I wasn't really that close to the stove. I opened the cupboard again and sniffed. Nope. I smelled the bowl, the bag, the cutting board. Nope. But there it was again - stronger this time. Gas.

I turned around to check the stove controls. Of course they were all on the off position. But wait - one wasn't! It was on medium but not lit!!! I honestly have no idea how that happened. It's not the kind of thing you can easily bump into an on position. The kids never touch it. I've been puttering around the kitchen all evening. I must have accidentally turned it on at some point. I honestly can't imagine how. But there it was. I turned off the knob but the kitchen was filled with the smell of gas!

I hurried and opened the back door, back window, garage door, front door, ceiling fan. It all aired out after a while. But man, that is scary!

And let me paint the picture here for you:

I cooked dinner a LONG time ago. I have NO idea how long that gas was going. The kitchen really smelled of it so it had put out quite a bit. It's very dry and cool here - static electricity popping off sparks everywhere. I'm wearing my faux-Crocs around which build up static electricity. I have the dryer running a few feet from the stove - big time static builder. I normally would have been upstairs putting the boys to bed. And might have come back down to watch some TV before going into the kitchen starting to prep the food.

I just keep thinking of how this evening COULD have gone.

Thank you God for that movie that kept us all downstairs. Thank you for putting the food prep into my head early. Thank you for letting me smell the gas and find the control on. Thank you, God. Thank you!!!

A Halloween Eve Rehydration at the ER

Lil'Bro wasn't able to hold down ANYthing yesterday. Not water, not Pedialyte. They called in a scrip of anti-nausea meds. It helped him drink sips of water all night. But then he threw up again early this morning.

After a call to his doctor's office, we took him into the ER for fluids. Two and a half hours of fluids later, he was a new kid. I have read the symptoms of dehydration but never saw them all before. The lethargy was pretty palpable. Very weird to see your usually energetic 6 1/2 year old not respond to anything. He didn't want TV. He didn't want his DS. He didn't want to move.

We got home from the ER and he immediately fell asleep on the couch. For THREE hours. I got an hour of sleep in.

Oh yah, my BigSis and her TallGuy hubby drove 30 minutes up here to get BigBro. They took BigBro to our church Fall Festival. Another church friend will bring him home.

Yesterday, I put out a "help" email to the women at my church asking them to get the food for church. Two women immediately took up the task for me. One of our lead pastors will sing in my stead. A couple of people have offered to come pick up BigBro for church tomorrow. My mom just dropped off a bunch of bananas and some frozen dinners. Tons of my local pals have sent offers over Facebook asking if they can do anything for us. And they mean it. My distant pals also sent prayers and love through Facebook, emails and texts.

I have to tell you, when you ask God to surround you with good loving people? He totally comes through. I cannot thank God enough for all of the awesome friends and family he has surrounded us with.

And Lil'Bro woke up about 30 minutes ago. He has held down water, half a banana and a little cup of applesauce. He keeps talking about the mini cheeseburgers at a local burger joint. I have to think he's on the mend.

Thanks to all my loving friends and family.

For reference, here are two pictures.
Just having arrived at the ER
and 2.5 hrs later.

Growling And The Ex

Growling
BigBro has been making a strange noise a lot lately. I can't tell if it's a tic or he's just enjoying the sensation of it.

I can't describe it very well. The way I can do it is, if I close my mouth, breathe in through my nose and make my vocal chords vibrate on the intake. It's like an inhalation growl.

He does it now and then. I've noticed it every day for quite some time. Every now and then I'll say, "Hey, you're growling," or "Stop the growling." Not mean. Just kind of like you'd tell your kid to get their finger out of their nose in a matter-of-fact tone.

As we went to bed tonight, I followed him up the stairs and heard the growl. I said, "Hey, you're growling again." Lil'Bro asked why he does that. BigBro said he didn't know. I asked if it was tic-ish or if he just liked the feeling. He wasn't sure.

Lil'Bro asked what a tic was. I explained how Tourette's is a neurological disorder where the nerve signals get confused or crossed. Probably not exactly technical but it helps me to think of it this way. Lil'Bro wanted examples so I mentioned some. I tried not to list all of BigBro's manifestations - kind of hit all over the TS spectrum.

After a while, BigBro asked me to stop talking about the symptoms because it made him uncomfortable. He has told me in the past that he doesn't feel his TS until I mention it. Which I understand. But I also think it's important for his little brother to understand what TS is and how it might manifest. It's always good to have a built in advocate - even if he IS three and a half years younger than you!

So I told BigBro that I'm just explaining it to Lil'Bro and there's no need to feel like I was listing everything on HIS list of TS symptoms. He eventually joined in the explaining. Which was cool. I certainly don't want it to be a hush-hush taboo subject.

I understand how discussing TS can make BigBro suddenly very aware of lurking feelings. But I also know he can own those feelings, talk about it and be ok.

And The Ex
And on a totally separate subject, The Ex has been living nearby for just over a month now. I cannot tell you how spoiled I feel with the extra help he is giving with the boys.

But here is one weird little observation:

When I was doing this all alone - forced to do it - I did it. I mean, yah, I had days where I felt overwhelmed. Especially in the beginning. But by this third year? Our routine was in the can. I just did it. Not spectacularly, mind you. But we were all alive, relatively clean, fed and clothed.

On my own, if dishes needed doing? I did them. If laundry piled up, I tackled it (eventually). If errands backed up, I got 'em done. I could do all the shopping, unload the car and put it all away. Hey, who else is gonna do it, right?

Well, now I have a co-parent nearby. Within walking distance. He's been stepping up and helping. Suddenly, I can remember being one of a couple. Suddenly I remember how impossible it felt that I could have done the shopping and now I had to unload the WHOLE car all by myself! AND I had to put the stuff away, too?! Suddenly, one person couldn't possibly do any of the chores that needed doing - not alone!

Being part of a couple gave me this fragile-flower mentality. I see it all the time with couple friends of mine. The trash is overflowing but my friend won't touch it. That's his job. The dog can be scratching at the door, starving, but another friend won't get the food from the bag 5 feet away because that's her job. I mean, really?

But yah. Really. I was the same way. I remember thinking I would never be able to do it all by myself. And there are those that would look around my house and argue I am NOT doing it all by myself. (And I would agree.)

But let me tell you, my dainty-fragile-flower mentality? Feh! Because on my good days? (And lately, these outnumber my bad days by far) I can get up, get the school prep done, dress the kids, help Lil'Bro brush his teeth while hounding BigBro not to get distracted. I can get them to school and get to work and then kick ass to get back in time to pick them up from after-school-care. I can drag them home and whip them into homework-mode. I can make a dinner (and by "make", I don't mean Donna Reed's version of "make" - but they're alive and thriving so...), clean up the mess and put away the leftovers. I can do the grocery shopping, unload the whole car and put it all way - alone. I can run the errands. I can balance [air quotes] the budget and make all the payments. I can plan, pay for and execute all the parties. I can buy the clothes, shoes, school supplies. I can somehow squeeze 2 extra hours out of my...um...busy schedule for a birthday party for every kid my boys know. I can periodically dust (at least once a decade), vacuum (much more frequently), scrub, wipe, and scour the house. I can do ridiculous amounts of laundry. I can post meaningless jibber jabber on Facebook and blogs. I can make it to church on time with both boys in tow, contribute to the ministries there (including 'Comic Relief' and 'Official Wisecracker'), sing my brains out and get back home. I can do it. I don't need to half-ass it and whine that my partner should be doing such and such and if only he'd be doing THIS part, I'd be able to do THAT part better and all that horse hockey I used to think.

And this isn't judgment. These are all observations about my formerly whiny, selfish SELF.

When I became a single parent, I talked to God and said, "You're going to have to help me here. There is NO way I can do this on my own!" There really wasn't. It's not a one-person job.

Thankfully, my partner is the Creator of All Things. He still makes me unload the whole car and put the groceries away. But not alone.

Uncorked

BigBro is having a rough go of it this month. The boys' dad moved back to town on 09/01. He's a 5 minute walk from our house. He's not mopey and he's already helped me out with sharing the kid care almost every day.

The boys are thrilled. But...so many emotional obstacles. BigBro finally uncorked at my friend's house tonight. Huge meltdown. All of the conflicting emotions he's been bottling came flying out when one teeny thing happened. Here's what was in the volcano:

1. BigBro hesitated to show how happy he is about their dad being back. He thought it might hurt me.
2. We are letting them choose where they want to sleep pretty often. BigBro was worried if he wanted to stay with parent A, it would insult or hurt parent B.
3. He's afraid dad will leave again.
4. He's glad dad is back but knows he really wants to live in Boston. He feels bad that dad can't be where he wants to live (I personally also think he feels guilt over this).
5. He feels bad that dad gave up all his friends.
6. He feels bad that dad gave up his band, job, life, etc.
7. He worried about dad's ex-girl thing because, well, he saw what a breakup can do.

He also feels guilty for having most of these feelings. It's a horrible vicious cycle.

Tonight, the boys were at my friend's house, playing with her two boys and a few others. The Ex and I went out for Indian food - the boys are not fans. Just as we wrapped up dinner, my phone rang and my friend told me BigBro was having a big meltdown and she wasn't making any headway with him. She got him on the phone and he wasn't making any sense. He was way beyond losing it.

When we got there, she came out to meet us. He had calmed down enough and uncorked on her. I think it helped having a totally neutral loving safe person to talk to. She explained that some game had gone bad (some boys not following rules - which sets BigBro off on even a good day) and that did it. UNCORK. So that one little pinhole became the egress for all of these pent up emotions. He had communicated #4-7 to me the other night. But I hadn't know all of the rest.

The boys went home with their dad tonight. I'm hoping that goes well. He hasn't had to deal with this close up for quite a while. I wish I had them. Ah well.

But to back track - since their dad returned, BigBro has been having exaggerated blinking, his finger/hand action (Spidey Hands), shoulder shrugging, and multiple little verbal tics. His threshold for dealing with problems has dropped. He's been having little emotional explosions here and at school. One happened this morning at school.

So the signs have been there. I knew something was up. And I knew it coincided with the return of The Ex. I know it's normal. I'm not worried about this being some long-lasting thing. But I can tell you this: I'm making an appointment with our awesome child counselor on Monday.

If you're the praying kind, my boys need it. LilBro clams up. So this could all be going on in his head, too. I don't know yet.

Like I told BigBro - God is bigger than this. He'll help BigBro control his body again. Now that we know what's going on and how to counter it. Come on, God!