On This Day

So Facebook has a new-ish feature 'On This Day' that shows you posts you made or were tagged in from the same day in past years.  Today's posts from a year ago show how much God has brought the boys and me through in this last year.

A year ago today, I had the second discovery of THIS divorce.  In a twisted replay of the previous 2008 divorce, the ex had faked three months of marriage counseling and promises of 'doing the Hard Work to put our family back together.'  Social media plus the arrogance of thinking you could never get caught exposed the lies and two marriages were blown straight to hell. It was the day the ex finally lost any respect or love on my part.  It was the last day he saw TheBoy unless it was by accident.  The ex left our house with his car covered in mustard and 'F*** You' written in Silly String on his back windshield; both editorial gifts from TheBoy.

We have since spent the year juggling appointments with various counselors and doctors, finding the right dosages of meds for TheBoy and me, having late night sessions of talking, crying, or raging. I have listened to my beautiful boy calmly tell me he had thoughts that it would be easier to be dead.  I stepped out of a management position at work to gain the flexibility to come in late or leave early to get to counselors, psychiatrists, or whetever.  I have spent weeks and months not even wanting to fight the depression this time.  Wanting to just stay in the cave.  Wanting to tell everyone and their varied levels of honesty to just piss off and leave me alone.

I've never let go of God.  Actually, he's never let go of me.  In the first recovery, I feel I was more proactive in that whole "press into God" thing. I prayed, I cried, I read, I plead, I threw myself into My Father's lap.  This time, I think I was just existing.  Existing in God's presence.  Like sitting in a dark room just being.  Knowing God was all around me but not really trying to talk to or beg of him.  I think I just kind of sat in the dark confident he was doing His Work.  I had no energy.  I had no fight.  Not for me.  I didn't have a second round in me.  So I existed. Knowing I should be reading His Word.  Knowing I should have been running to church to serve in any capacity I could find.  Knowing I should have been praying and seeking and Trying.  Like last time.

But I didn't want to.  I still don't want to.  I want to stay in the cave wrapped in my hard-won knowledge that nobody is trustworthy.  Everyone lies.  Marriages are painted just like women in makeup.  Hollywood peddles a fucked up idea of love.  And the entitled narcissists in America think love conquers all and you have to follow your heart and certain people Belong Together and everyone else in the way are just extras in the movie of their epic love story.  All is fair in love and war.

So yah.  I'm cynical.  I'm untrusting.  I'm angry.  I'm disappointed.  I have a very different view of what is important in life and what is just ridiculous distraction.

It will change.  It already is changing.  I've forced myself out of the cave I've built.  TheBoy has, too.  Those close to us can see a change.  There has been a shift.  Not a huge u-turn.  But a turn of some kind.

We are not lost to the dark side.  I'm not 100% devoid of life or love.  Just today, I'm sharing a year's worth of struggle in one post.  So it's bleak.  Sorry.  God is still doing His Work.  And I'm letting him.  I will keep doing mine. I continue to provide for and raise my boys.  To be vigilant for shadows that cross TheBoy's heart, mind, or psyche. 

To ensure I don't just get sucked into the void of hate, I love in the small ways right now.  I love in a fashion that I can handle at the moment.  I have focused my efforts anonymously to people I don't know.  I feel like that's where I can actually show real love right now.  To people I don't know.  People from which I expect nothing.  I ask God to guide my little acts.  And he shows me.  I feel like it's tuning me into hearing him better.  And if I can help people without any faith in God or humans to have just a tiny bit of faith because of some random stranger? Ima just do it.

Lil'Bro is thankfully young enough to deal much better.  He sees the ex a few times a month. He doesn't like what the ex did but missing his dad outweighs his anger.  TheBoy will take longer.  At fifteen, the impact of the deceit and betrayal is just huge.

I know things could be worse. I'm aware that my plight is mine and is nothing compared to the horrors going on around the world.  But I share because sometimes sanity comes through reading something seemingly minor that makes you realize you're not alone.

I'm not alone.  I've always got God.  And he is incredibly generous in surrounding me with neighbors, friends, coworkers, family, and church family that - for some reason - walk with me.  Through my moods.  My ups and my caves.  Or maybe they just want me for my pies.

Yah and So THIS Happened...

Thanks to my friend CBeth for letting me borrow this picture from her. And yes, that IS my new boyfriend getting baptized. And yes, he sure DOES look a lot like TheEx...

Not In My Time, But God's

I really would like to know why I have so much struggle with issues of faith. Especially concerning things I pray for. Oh wait...I'm HUMAN.

No honestly. You need to know my life better. Don't worry. I won't regale you with it here. That's a series of novels Trish needs to help me write. To condense it for you, my whole life is a giant study in God answering my prayer. Not in my time, but His.

So when I start attacking something in prayer that is big or important, my faith is wobbly. I think it's very normal. But when you have a whole history of God coming through for you, why do you doubt? I take solace in pretty much every story in the bible. The Israelites saw all the plagues, were delivered from slavery, had the sea parted for them, even heard God's voice but they still screwed up by doubting. So I'm in pretty good company.

I figure it has to do with a few things.

God is not a vending machine. I can ask in faith like the bible says. But ultimately, it is God's plan that is done. So often times, when I pray for something, I sit there thinking doubtful thoughts under this umbrella - maybe it's not in God's plan for my son to be safely delivered from his surgery. Maybe God has other plans for me than my marriage staying whole. You know? That kind of thing. I think my problem here is, I should ask in faith and then let it go. And trust that God's plan is ultimately better than anything I could come up with. But I tend to ask in faith and then worry and attempt controlling my fate. Like I said, I doubt I'm alone in this.

God's miracles are for other people - not me. For some reason, I can pray with so much faith and absolute certainty when I'm praying for others. When I pray for me, I'm wracked with doubt. I tend to forget my whole history of God coming through for me. My doubt-filled selective memory seems to tell me that other people get miracles. Not me. This has happened less and less over the last 2 years. As I press more into God and talk to him more often, this has gotten less. It would be nice if it disappears altogether.

Satan blows big chunks. I'm not one to blame everything on 'the enemy', 'satan', 'the unnamed one', 'the big dirt-bag below'. I have free will and I exercise it badly quite often. But I do believe that much doubt is planted in our minds by 'the big bone-head of darkness'. I have also noticed less and less doubt in my mind over the last two years. I believe this is due to my constant chats with God. I don't wait for meal time or bed time or church. I talk to God all the time. Especially when I see anything that upsets me on any level. But sometimes it's just when I see something that makes me happy. I thank God for beautiful things I encounter. I ask God to bless people I see that do good things. I ask him to help that box turtle make it off the busy road safely. But at night and in the morning, I do serious business with God. And I think this relatively new discipline in my life has been keeping more doubt at bay.

So yah, I'm human. I'm like all of you. I ask God for things and I have a picture in my mind of how it will look. And I would like to see that picture manifest sooner rather than later. My intellect knows better. But my human side tends to hang on to that impatience. I'm getting better at turning things over to God and saying, "Your plan, God. Your plan. I'm ok with however you need to get things done." But I also believe God wants to know exactly what I want. So I tend to also say things like, "...and if you could let it happen soon - or let it happen where I can know it happened...that would be great." I like to think God is ok with that. His answer might be 10 years down the line. But I think he's ok with us asking.

Now that I've done all of that set up, let me tell you how this has recently played out in my life.

When future ex informed me that he didn't love me any more and was in love with an ex girl thing of his from 21 yrs ago, I was devastated. I don't even know if there are words in our language to describe the pain, jealousy and betrayal. The level to which my spirit was crushed doesn't even compare to my father dying when I was 11. If I was a different person, I would have turned to drugs or hurting myself. But I've got God. Or more correctly, God has ME. I spent pretty much all of January through April begging God to save my marriage. I know God's not a fan of divorce - meaning it's not his plan. I don't mean he thinks divorced people suck. So I figured I'm praying for my marriage to remain whole. Of course it's God's plan. Of course he'll come through. I really really believed this. So in late April, when future ex left, moved back to Boston and starting playing house with his girl thing, oh man. I was shaken. But I kept praying. I just changed it from "save my marriage" to "God, whatever your plan is, help me deal with it. Help me get through this." But I did also pray that God totally open the eyes of future ex and his girl thing. That they see the full truth of what they've done. I wasn't sure what that would look like. But I prayed it with all my heart. I also prayed that God would let them reap what they have sown. This was hard not to pray as a curse. I prayed it as earnestly as I could. I refused to curse them. I refused to ask God to smite them or any such nonsense. So many times I would just repeat over and over, "Vengeance is yours, God. Not mine. I leave that to you." It was hard because my anger was valid and totally understandable. But I also knew that God's would know the best way to make this request manifest. I have no idea if that's even proper grammar. Sue me.

So future ex has been back for over a week now. And by "back", I mean in the area. We had a rough start but have been trying very hard to be friendly. I have felt God's prompting to be generous but not stupidly so. I have been asking for his guidance in this. God, tell me when to help him and when to stand back. And I really think he has been doing this.

What I have been watching this past week is future ex reaping what he sowed. And also his girl thing. Without divulging personal things about them, I can't really explain much. But I can tell you I have never had to say anything like, "I told you so," or "See? You really DO suck!" because God has been showing him these things through the consequences of his actions. I wish I could share them with you because it is truly mind numbing how absolutely God has answered my reap/sow prayer. And it was not in the time I wanted (ie - immediately). But I have to tell you, after he had been with girl thing for a while, I just asked God to answer this prayer - even if it was decades later and I never know about it. I just wanted justice. And here God is, allowing me to witness first hand the struggles and hell that future ex is in. I've heard him say stuff like, "I know I made this bed and have to lie in it," and "I know this is all my doing but it's so hard." At times like that I beg God to keep my mouth shut. Pointing and laughing would sink me down. So I just stand there.

One thing future ex said this week was after he really pissed me off. I don't remember how. But he had been talking like oh things are so hard for me and I got the sense he thought I was just coasting through this like it was no big deal. So I indignantly - and totally without meaning to - witnessed to him. If you can picture the attitude that accompanies the hand on hip, waggling finger and a "oh no you di-int" head bobbing, that's what he got. I just started spouting, "The ONLY reason I'm standing here so strong and with such kindness is by the GRACE OF GOD!" and I proceeded to tell him how he hadn't had the guts to stick around to see the absolute hell I went through. I told him how I had to break down every wall I had between me and God and beg him to save me. I told him how God didn't just poof me out of the giant cesspool of destructive emotions. But he stood in it with me. And told me he'd never leave me. But we'd get through it together. And I just kept spouting indignantly to show him that I had been SO low that I needed the Creator of the Universe to save me. So don't tell ME about hard! Don't cry to ME about surviving hell! My God got me through it. And I stood there fuming all "snap snap SNAP!" and stuff. I thought he'd be rolling his eyes at yet another outburst that proves I had become "too Christian." But in stead, he said, "You know, I wish I had a faith like that to help me through this." It deflated my anger. And in that moment, God tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Uh hello? I set this up for you. Get in there!" I suddenly recalled my old Alpha class and our talk on prayer. The whole, so what if you don't know how to pray. So what if you're not sure you believe in prayer or in God or in anything. Try it. Just give it a shot. Tell God you're not sure you believe. Tell him you're scared. Tell him you think it's silly. But ask him to show you that he's real. Ask him to help you. I think you'll be surprised. And that's basically what I told future ex. He said, "But I don't have enough faith to pray." That's the beauty of it! You don't NEED to. Just the act of turning toward God and talking - that's all God is looking for. One on one relationship. Just your attempt will mean so much to God. He will honor it. I told future ex, look, God is just standing here right now just going, "Come on! Just turn toward me!!! Try it!" and he's so excited. He thinks you're the most precious thing in the world!!! Future ex just couldn't fathom that. I said, look, just try it as an experiment. Just ask God to show you he's real. He said he would. He hasn't yet. But he talks about it often. I know he's wrestling with how stupid it feels. So I don't push. I keep praying.

Future ex knows he's screwed up so big. He knew most humans around me wanted to pummel him. He's gotten a few icy receptions from people around here. So another day, we had this big talk about forgiveness. He was annoyed thinking that there are people who claim to follow God that aren't forgiving him. So I explained, hey, we're humans down here. The only one I know of that can instantaneously forgive? That's God. Not me. Not my parents. Not my friends. Not anyone I know of down here. I told him, all you have to do is tell God you're sorry and turn away from the bad that you were doing (ie - repent = turn away from the sin). It's much simpler than most religions make it sound. Repenting just means turn away from the sin. And turn toward God. If you're focused on God, you'll most likely find yourself it right-thinking situations. So I said, God will forgive you immediately. Us humans you have to give some time to align with God on that one.

I have been jokingly inviting future ex to church. And both times I did, he considered it. Which shocked me. He knows that I have leaned heavily on my church friends. Which means many of them know a lot of the details. And a lot of them are mad and feel protective of me. So last Sunday, he didn't go. I kind of figured he wouldn't. And today, he went. He came with me and the boys to church. I was scared! What if my church family lived up to his cynical view of Christians! So I prayed a lot last night. I told future ex, this will be a good test of us Christians putting our money where our mouths are. Let me tell you, my church almost had me in tears today. My church friends are freaking AMAZING. When he walked in (very early) with us, my pastor saw him and came running over to him. I heard something like, "Hey there friend!" and he had future ex in a HUGE bear hug. The music director and his wife greeted him warmly and I saw her talking to future ex for a while. Our other friends who were very close to future ex had already hung out with us earlier this weekend. So when Wyatt got there, he was looking for future ex. And was sincerely glad to see him walk in to the room. Future ex got one chilly reception but not rude. And it was someone I haven't been able to chat with lately so she has no clue how I'm feeling about things and I imagine she was being cautious.

But what a testimony it was to God's imperfect followers. I was SO proud of my church family. I was also very impressed with future ex - he didn't slink away to hide in a corner. He knew he might face some people and their opinions of what he had done to me. But no one did that. Everyone just made him welcome. I have no idea what struggles might or might not have happened for people today. But I was swelling with pride in my friends. And it deeply affected future ex.

So, on the way to church, I had been asking God to just reveal himself to future ex today. I wish I had a tape of the sermon. It was almost comical. We're in a series on Joseph. Today's sermon talked about the part of the story where Joseph is now 2nd in command of Egypt. After being sold into slavery by most of his brothers and then passed off for dead by all of them. They had to come to Egypt to bow down before him and beg for grain. Joseph dealt with them with forgiveness and generosity. SO the whole sermon revolved around the concept of you will reap what you sow. And how we must forgive. He discussed how mercy and grace play into our forgiveness. I mean, future ex and I exchanged a few amused glances. And I know my pastor was thinking, "Oh man, of all the days he chose to come to church!" Afterwards, future ex jokingly asked me if I had called the pastor to have him preach all that. HA! His comments showed me it had all sunk in. And I think he saw the two sides of it. Not just us pointing at him saying, "Ha ha! You're reaping what you sowed, bone head!" But that we are commanded to forgive and to be loving and generous. In the car later, he even said to me, "You've been acting like Joseph. You're being so good to me since I returned." That was amazing to hear. Because it's been a lot of work to not be a shrew.

Anyway, this is going on way too long. But do you see some amazing answer to prayer here? I honestly never thought I'd see future ex reap his sowing. And here I am watching it. And then to have him come to church and God to speak directly to both of us like that? Yah, just TRY to tell me God doesn't answer prayer!

Origins of Lord & Taylor Lady

Stacy is curious how I met Trish. It's a funny enough story, I thought I'd share. I should probably have checked with Trish first before writing this missive. But I didn't. She can fly her butt down here and kick me in person. Then I'll take her out for some amazing TexMex.

I'm gonna throw in some background here because it's significant to the story in my mind. And this'll be a long one. I imagine Stacy & Trish are the only ones that will finish it!

I grew up very dogmatic in a rather messed up church. The people were like my extended family. I'll leave the "messed up" label pretty much squarely on the shoulders of our preacher. But I was saddled with a lot of theology I couldn't reconcile to a loving God. When my parents left that church, there were some rather well-meaning but screwed up attempts to keep me and some of my siblings there. I then went to a Christian college that was actually really great. But I had a life crisis or two, made some bad decisions and quit that school with a bad taste in my mouth due to what I perceived as the hypocrisy of Christians.

Add to that the general stupidity of most humans. So of course, when I ran across an idiot who just happened to be a Christian, I added it to the mental box labeled "Yet another bone-headed Christian that solidifies my feeling that I will never participate in organized religion again."

So with chip firmly on shoulder, I decided I would tackle the world with just God. Those fallible humans continually pissed me off. So I would tolerate them and just deal with God directly.

I walked a very precarious line for many years. I am convinced I survived my own stupidity due to the sheer volume of prayers that went up on my behalf from my mom, her sisters, our church friends, people who knew me and actually had a clue about God, etc. I now know there were tons of people praying for me my whole life.

I worked in night clubs in Boston as a coat girl, waitress and eventually bouncer. I sang in bands and rock theater in Boston. I did professional photography for bands in Boston. I basically lived in clubs and embraced a large part of the culture therein. I had no self esteem but pretended to be the most amazingly kick-ass strong woman. As a bouncer, I acted my way into being a well known persona in the Boston club scene. People believed the bravado and some were actually afraid of me. I never let go of God - talked to him constantly. But I was going to do things MY way. I tried to embrace all beliefs. I was going to be the tolerant cool Christian. I was going to be the open minded Christian. On the way, my faith got rather muddy and confused.

When my kids were born, I wanted to give them a Godly foundation but hated the thought of going to a church where they would be turned into little dogma-spewing idiots. So I always told people how I wanted to find a church for my kids but I never EVER thought of actually doing anything about it.

Enter my cousin Lorraine. And by cousin, I mean step second cousin. If there is such a thing. She's the daughter of my step-dad's cousin. And we didn't know each other. We knew OF each other. But I moved into her town. And our parents lived near each other in Florida. And I'm sure there were conversations between them that gently suggested that maybe my cousin could invite me to church. Well, after living in her town for almost 2 years, she called me one day - out of the blue. Did I want to visit her church with her. Um...hold on while I get my mental tome of reasons why I couldn't go. But God thumped me in the back of the head and said, oh just GO already. And I surprised Lorraine and myself by saying yes.

I told my friend Alicia that I was going to this wacky church we all heard about in Boston. They advertise on the subway and buses. They have signs that say things like "Come have coffee and bagels with us" or something like that. I mean, I was like who serves coffee and bagels at church? This church must not be very good if they have to lure people with food. But my former college roommate, KimmyJo, used to go there. And she's not nuts. Well, she loves me so she just might be nuts. But I digress. Anyway, Alicia agreed to go with me. Which made me nervous. Alicia is used to Catholic mass. Nice predictable sleepy mass. I didn't know if this church was charismatic or what. I didn't know if they'd be swinging from chandeliers or what. So told her, we'll sit in the back and if it gets weird, we're OUTTA there!

We went around the beginning of the Lenten season. Which I don't keep track of. But the Cambridge Vineyard was just starting that year's 40 Days of Faith. I had never heard of it and didn't really pay much attention to the announcements about it. But the pastor (who I didn't know was the pastor because he was just so laid back I figured he was just the guy doing announcements) announced they were bringing up someone to give a testimony about the 40 Days of Faith.

Enter Trish. Now, in my last post, I confessed that I give instant snap judgements in my head. All the time. And Trish was just fodder for my cynical attitude. She just looked the part of the perfect Christian woman - a person to whom I would never relate or to whom I would have nothing to say. I had this warped idea that all women who claim to be "true Christians" were wimpy little lemmings who are just vapid yes-men to their boyfriends or husbands. It's awful. But that's where my head was at as perfect Trish took the stage. And she was just adorable. And I mean that in a way that made the cynical I'm-too-cool-for-anything me roll her eyes. And I'm sure I did.

Trish was well put together. In my mind, she looked like a model out of the LL Bean women's catalog. Or someone who shops at (shudder) Talbot's. Or even worse - Lord & Taylor. So I dubbed her "Lord & Taylor Lady" in my mind. Ain't I just a loving little God girl!

So Lord & Taylor Lady proceeds to give her testimony. Which fell on my cynical ears like so much drivel. I heard her say something about how she had wanted a husband. At that point, Alicia and I shared a rolling eye look. Granted, both of us had always wanted a wonderful Christian husband. But we knew that wasn't a cool thing to admit so we sneered away. Trish basically gave a great testimony and I imagine it was just a teaser for her book that's coming. But at the time, I didn't know that and I was a snotty little piece of crap and just rolled my eyes thinking, if I ran into this woman at the bagel table, she'd ignore me. We'd have NOTHING to say to each other.

I figure that's when God laughed and made other plans.

Alicia and I never stopped going to that church. We loved it. It's a freaking amazing church. In spite of the Lord & Taylor Lady and all the well put together people that attend along with her.

At that time in 2005, that Vineyard offered a class called Alpha (now called SEEK). It was for those "on the cutting edge of faith". Not meaning your faith is totally cool and alternative. Meaning you're not quite sure what all you believe or whether you believe anything at all. But you're coming to church so that's something. This class was there to address those people. I was those people. I was always cool with God. But I had serious doubts about almost every other aspect of Christianity. Was Jesus divine or just a great prophet? Was the bible inspired word or just a political collection of writings? Were there actually some real Christians that might not make me want to punch them collectively in the heads?

I decided to go to Alpha. I mean, hey, they fed you dinner and it was only once a week. What's not to like?

The first night, I show up feeling like a total dork. I had laughed with my coworkers going, "I can't stay late tonight. Because I'm going to... a BIBLE class!!!" They know me. They've known me during all my various fads and stages. So this was rather interesting to them as well. But off I went for my free meal.

When I walked in, the first person I saw was this well put together guy. Young dude, probably in his 30s. Extremely good looking and very happy. Great. Just what I need. A Happy Handsome Guy to not be able to relate to. And then what to my wondering eyes should appear? But a Lord & Taylor Lady. Yah. Doesn't it just figure that the woman I sat judging and rolling my eyes at - she was one of the leaders. So was Happy Handsome Guy. The other two leaders were equally not in my universe. There was the Cerebral Writer Guy who used way too many $7 words. And then there was Cute Perky Preppy girl. I'm sure they'd all laugh at my generalized snap judgements of them. But honestly, I sized them all up as people I would have NOTHING in common with. Along with the 25 or so other people that showed up looking all "What am I doing here?" with me.

That group of people spent the next...how many weeks did we spend together? Ten? I have no idea. Trish, how many weeks was that? Every week, a few people would drop out. But eventually, we got a solid group of committed dorks. And we hashed it all out together. We'd talk, question, sneer, confess, accuse, talk more, question more. It was unbelievable. That class opened my eyes in amazing ways. And one of the first things God did was show me that Lord & Taylor Lady was just a shmoe like me. With nicer clothes. And smoother hair. And a really cool husband who laughed at my Lord & Taylor description. He assured me that, at home, she rarely gets out of her pajamas and, when she does, she dresses like a normal person.

During that class, God used Lord & Taylor Lady...now Trish...as his conduit. He used all the leaders. But especially her. I opened up about things with her that I never told anyone. God gave her huge insight into how I worked.

A small group of people from that class begged the leaders if they would start a new small group with us. We dubbed it Beta (ain't we clevah!). It was the best small group I've ever been part of. We were still all newly renewed in God. So it was so easy for us to share openly and honestly. No one faking anything. I'm still very close with the Fabulously Tall Rowing Couple from that class (another couple I figured I'd have nothing in common with and now I adore them).

That group prayed with and for me as I agonized over whether to move to Austin. I mean, God just found me the perfect church!! Should I leave it??? And when I decided to go, they all encouraged me. Trish has been one of my loudest and most steady cheerleaders.

When I discovered my husband didn't love me and he loved someone else, I called Trish first. I was terrified of doing the wrong thing. I called her and she told me about how That Dog had dental surgery and all sorts of stuff before I finally had the guts to blurt out my new horror show. Once again, God used Trish as his messenger. She gave me ways to pray about it that I never would have thought of. She told me to fight for my marriage and not stand timidly by in the name of being polite or politically correct. She taught me how to put in my shark teeth while still holding on to God. And she has never left my side or told me I suck or anything.

Trish means more to me than she knows. I love her humor. I love her intelligence. I love her fashion sense. I can't wait to read her book because I just KNOW she has dedicated at least 3 chapters that are all about ME! (I kid) She is one of my strongest and most trusted God friends.

God - thank you for giving Lorraine courage to invite me to that wacky bagel church. Thank you for letting Alicia be open enough to go with me. And thank you for putting that nutty Lord & Taylor Lady on the stage that Sunday! Amen.