On This Day

So Facebook has a new-ish feature 'On This Day' that shows you posts you made or were tagged in from the same day in past years.  Today's posts from a year ago show how much God has brought the boys and me through in this last year.

A year ago today, I had the second discovery of THIS divorce.  In a twisted replay of the previous 2008 divorce, the ex had faked three months of marriage counseling and promises of 'doing the Hard Work to put our family back together.'  Social media plus the arrogance of thinking you could never get caught exposed the lies and two marriages were blown straight to hell. It was the day the ex finally lost any respect or love on my part.  It was the last day he saw TheBoy unless it was by accident.  The ex left our house with his car covered in mustard and 'F*** You' written in Silly String on his back windshield; both editorial gifts from TheBoy.

We have since spent the year juggling appointments with various counselors and doctors, finding the right dosages of meds for TheBoy and me, having late night sessions of talking, crying, or raging. I have listened to my beautiful boy calmly tell me he had thoughts that it would be easier to be dead.  I stepped out of a management position at work to gain the flexibility to come in late or leave early to get to counselors, psychiatrists, or whetever.  I have spent weeks and months not even wanting to fight the depression this time.  Wanting to just stay in the cave.  Wanting to tell everyone and their varied levels of honesty to just piss off and leave me alone.

I've never let go of God.  Actually, he's never let go of me.  In the first recovery, I feel I was more proactive in that whole "press into God" thing. I prayed, I cried, I read, I plead, I threw myself into My Father's lap.  This time, I think I was just existing.  Existing in God's presence.  Like sitting in a dark room just being.  Knowing God was all around me but not really trying to talk to or beg of him.  I think I just kind of sat in the dark confident he was doing His Work.  I had no energy.  I had no fight.  Not for me.  I didn't have a second round in me.  So I existed. Knowing I should be reading His Word.  Knowing I should have been running to church to serve in any capacity I could find.  Knowing I should have been praying and seeking and Trying.  Like last time.

But I didn't want to.  I still don't want to.  I want to stay in the cave wrapped in my hard-won knowledge that nobody is trustworthy.  Everyone lies.  Marriages are painted just like women in makeup.  Hollywood peddles a fucked up idea of love.  And the entitled narcissists in America think love conquers all and you have to follow your heart and certain people Belong Together and everyone else in the way are just extras in the movie of their epic love story.  All is fair in love and war.

So yah.  I'm cynical.  I'm untrusting.  I'm angry.  I'm disappointed.  I have a very different view of what is important in life and what is just ridiculous distraction.

It will change.  It already is changing.  I've forced myself out of the cave I've built.  TheBoy has, too.  Those close to us can see a change.  There has been a shift.  Not a huge u-turn.  But a turn of some kind.

We are not lost to the dark side.  I'm not 100% devoid of life or love.  Just today, I'm sharing a year's worth of struggle in one post.  So it's bleak.  Sorry.  God is still doing His Work.  And I'm letting him.  I will keep doing mine. I continue to provide for and raise my boys.  To be vigilant for shadows that cross TheBoy's heart, mind, or psyche. 

To ensure I don't just get sucked into the void of hate, I love in the small ways right now.  I love in a fashion that I can handle at the moment.  I have focused my efforts anonymously to people I don't know.  I feel like that's where I can actually show real love right now.  To people I don't know.  People from which I expect nothing.  I ask God to guide my little acts.  And he shows me.  I feel like it's tuning me into hearing him better.  And if I can help people without any faith in God or humans to have just a tiny bit of faith because of some random stranger? Ima just do it.

Lil'Bro is thankfully young enough to deal much better.  He sees the ex a few times a month. He doesn't like what the ex did but missing his dad outweighs his anger.  TheBoy will take longer.  At fifteen, the impact of the deceit and betrayal is just huge.

I know things could be worse. I'm aware that my plight is mine and is nothing compared to the horrors going on around the world.  But I share because sometimes sanity comes through reading something seemingly minor that makes you realize you're not alone.

I'm not alone.  I've always got God.  And he is incredibly generous in surrounding me with neighbors, friends, coworkers, family, and church family that - for some reason - walk with me.  Through my moods.  My ups and my caves.  Or maybe they just want me for my pies.

Still Not Beaten

How interesting My last post was a year ago today. It was when I was pissed but still hopeful. Today, I'll go to court to have the second divorce finalized. The Man will once again become The Ex.

The first time, I went through it all hoping God would put it all back together someday. Not today.  Today, I go through it all knowing it is done. God laid out a perfect reconciliation before two imperfect people. Like I told BigBro last night: we're not puppets. He lets us exercise our free will. But here's the thing. God stands with me still. He stood with me through the insanity of my rage. Through my darkness and depression. Through my disgust with everything around me. He stays with me as I force myself out of my cave. He stays with me when I say "No way, screw this," and retreat back into it. He whispers wisdom I certainly don't possess when I counsel my boys through this horrible path. He waits patiently for me. The Creator and The Light waits patiently. HE waits for ME. Wow.  He knows when to nudge me. He knows when to let me have my human moments. He reminds me of the things I am afraid I've lost forever. He doesn't drown me in all of the promises I already know are there but just can't fathom at the moment. He IS the Promises. And I know He is there. Has been. Is. Will be.

So this time..."this time"...meh. So this time, I go to court with two of my God-send friends by my side. And I don't hold the hope of reconciliation. I don't hold anything for my ex at this particular moment. I hold on to the Fact. The Fact that God already knows how He will bring beauty from this horror show. The Fact that it will happen. Because the unbearable pain I thought I couldn't weather again? It's been weathered. Mostly. And the hard anger-born cynicism with which I regard all the lightness around me? He will crack that, too.

Still not broken. Suck it satan. 

Broken but Not Beaten

This blog has been an outlet for my fears about my son's Tourette's.  It has been an outlet when I went through my divorce back in 2007.  It helped me navigate the severe depression after the divorce.  I have made some amazing blogger chicks from Canada to New Zealand.  So I feel it only fitting to share my current broken state.  And that of TheBoy and LilBro, too.

A month after the wedding of the decade, I discovered that things were not as wonderful as they seemed.  I convinced myself I was paranoid from my previous experience in 2007.  I can't bring myself to go into details here.  But the reconciliation, dating, and wedding were all done within huge lies.  A fun little kicker is I found this out after finally trusting my gut and digging - all the while feeling like I was being a bad wife by digging.  Four days after having legally changed my last name.  Good times.

So, while I am still technically married in the eyes of the state in which I live, my "husband" lives with friends.  TheMan, TheBoy, LilBro and I are all in therapy.  I am watching TheBoy spiral dangerously in depression.  He and I have gotten help both emotionally and medicinally.  But at his age (14) you heap all the normal confusion of being teen with a major family trauma and potential RE-divorce of his parents...it's bad.  His anxiety attacks that had been gone for years have undone him enough to miss a lot of school.  LilBro's anxiety manifests in a much less obvious way.  His teacher informed me that it's off the charts in the form of obsessing over time and schedules.  But he's keeping his grades up and is pretty happy over all.  He's 10.  He's still hoping dad will come back home.

Here is one reason I'm sharing this even though I haven't shared this with all friends and family yet.  If you for one second think that God had a hand in this horror show, stop right now.  If you feel any anger toward God for "letting this happen" to me?  Don't.

There has not been ONE SECOND where I've thought God did this or wondered why he let this happen to me.  I will tell you what I've told other friends and family members.

First and foremost - no matter what hell on earth may happen?  GOD IS ON HIS THRONE.  Don't think for one second that some disaster or evil proves otherwise.

Second - God had no hand in the lies and betrayal perpetrated by TheMan and another "friend" of ours.  That was all the enemy.  The prince of stupidity.  Satan, the devil whatever you want to name him.  He saw the bright beacon our family was for God and he threw something irresistible in front of the weakest member.  Not my kids.  No, he went for the new believer: TheMan.  It's what he does when he's scared that something is about to Shine for God.  He knew TheMan still had major broken wounds and he played to those.

Third - God will always lay out amazingly perfect plans for each of us.  And then each of us uses the free will God gave us to walk the path he laid for us, to walk kind of NEXT to it, to walk away from it, or to reject it altogether.  That is US, man.  We all do it.  I did it for years.  I walked close enough to God's path to fool myself that I was ok because, hey, I could still SEE it!  Granted, I had to look to the side to see it.  But still!  I could see it.  No, God always plans goodness for each of us.  And some of us don't trust it because, you know, God can't be THAT nice, right?  And some of us are broken and scarred from previous attempts by the enemy to destroy us and keep us walled off from God.  So we can't see the path.  Or we don't want to see it because some church or "Christian" or "God person" totally screwed us over way back when.  Or because something horrible was done to us that we can't even speak about.  I get it.  But it's still usually my choice...my free will.

So TheMan was given a beautiful path of redemption, forgiveness, grace, and trust.  By hundreds of people.  My whole family welcomed him back.  Some had to work harder at it than others.  But we welcomed him back.  Our church is a church full of imperfect broken people that never throws stones.  They loved our story of screwing up a marriage and fixing it.  And many of them came to what I now know was really just a theatrical sham of a "wedding."

TheMan was given an amazing gift from many people.  But the enemy kept reminding him of his previous failure.  Made sure he couldn't fully shake the shame and guilt from his actions in 2007-2010.  So his actions were all tainted by shame.  And anything you build in reaction to shame and guilt - no matter how much you want it to be true - it will come crashing down around you.  And it will DESTROY anyone close to you.

The fourth thing I will say to anyone who thinks that TheMan is hellbound: don't even go there.  TheMan is straight with God.  This I know.  His turn toward and acceptance of God/Jesus was and is real.  I know he talks to God all the time.  And I know he has talked to God about how wrong he was this time.  And last time.  So I know he's good with The Father.  This is EXACTLY what Jesus did on the cross, man.  This is why he died.  For all of us stupid selfish people that can't hold to a vow or remember a promise or think about anyone except our own wants.  For some reason, Jesus thought we were WORTH that.  And while we humans assign levels of evil to each wrong we do here on earth?  That's a human thing.  That's not a God thing.  If you have to turn away from God to do something, you've had to turn away from God to do that thing.  It all hurts God the same.  Whether you think that or not.  Doing wrong is doing something you BELIEVE is wrong.  So if you think disrespecting your husband in public is wrong and you still do it?  You're missing the mark just as bad as TheMan lying to and betraying me and his boys.  So if you're ok with being friends with abusive drunks and compulsive liars but you're not ok hanging out with TheMan because of what he did?  You're doing it wrong.

Don't get me wrong.  I am PISSED.  This is the SECOND time for me.  Having to use terms like "The first time this happened..." or "THIS time..." constantly undoes me and boils my BUTT.  Knowing that I have to find forgiveness for him?  That's hard, too.  Yah, I know the right thing to do.  But man, to have to do that AGAIN?  Now I get that passage where Jesus tells the disciples they have to not just forgive someone seven times but SEVENTY times seven times.  And I've done the math.  I'm struggling with the SECOND time.  So I doubt I'll pass the test all the way up to 490 times.  It's not fair that my boys and I got destroyed a second time.  It's not fair that I walked through a fake wedding - not knowing - smiling and feeling so elated at the culmination of God's miracle!

But I will get over the anger.  Just not right now.  And I will forgive him.  That part has already started.  But the clever prince of poo loves to just pop images of what he did into my head every time I start feeling kind and forgiving.  So yah.  I have a lot of work to do with God.  He has a HUGE miracle to pull off by putting REAL forgiveness in my heart.  And man, TheBoy?  He wants NOTHING to do with his father right now.  And LilBro feels torn and guilty because he wants to see and be with his dad but sees how angry TheBoy is.

I share this not to say "Hey look at how God's miracle was a lie!"  I share this to say God really did orchestrate reconciliation and forgiveness.  And TheMan turned it into a lie.  Not God.  But Jesus took care of this all on the cross.  TheMan just has to deal with us imperfect and enraged humans for a while.  I'm not excusing my anger and rage.  But I'm also not making myself feel bad for it.

So if you're a praying person, cover me and the boys.  If you're awesome enough, cover TheMan.  He has a hell of a mountain of therapy to conquer.  And believe it or not, I want this to end with us still married and actually HEALED and loving.  I am very painfully aware that ending may not be a reality.  I can cope with that.  It is undoing my boys, however.

I will say that TheBoy has shown no tics.  The anxiety attacks suck.  They derail him and make him feel despondent.  Watching him go from bright shining kid to this sad depressed teen...it kills me.  And really adds to my anger.

God can pull us all through this.  It's walking through the fire that sucks.  Even knowing God will get me through it.  The mire is awful at the moment.

Pissed and Praying,
Tourette's Mom

Waiting Well: Wedding of the Decade

This past Saturday, August 16th, 2014, found me an the now former TheEx remarry.  A friend posted a then-and-now picture of our 1996 wedding kiss with the 2014 kiss.

Obviously I need a new moniker for TheEx. Without getting overly fancy, I'm going with TheMan until I think of something better.

I think our wedding is not only representative of the miracle of reconciliation but also of the support system God set up around me.  Let me show you how:

My wonderful mom went with me to the church to figure out the placement of tables and chairs.  It's not a regular shaped venue.  I just couldn't picture the placement of the 18-20 rectangular tables in the space.  She had a vision and was able to show me.  It worked perfectly.

TheEngineer (hubby to the fabulous C.Beth/C.BethCrochet) showed up and helped set up all of the ginormous tables for me and mom.  On his day off.  He rocks.

The lovely Trish and Gwen flew in to represent my Boston church small group from back in 2005. They stayed with my fabulous mom because I knew the three would instantly bond.  Which they did.  Gwen is also a tiny tornado of assistance.  If you've even thought you might need something done, she somehow senses it and is instantly doing!  They helped mom and me set up and decorate the tables for the wedding. They also came into the bride dressing room and prayed over me.

The fabulous ladies from my small group worked with our friend Calli Cupcake to make and ice 200 cupcakes in three amazing flavors.

A last minute discovery at the church was that my skirt (which had to be hiked up under my armpits because it's made for some statuesque Amazonian) now had front slits up to a very not ok region.  So when I walked, way more was going to show than anyone wanted!  Mom retrieved needle and thread from her car and went to work.  At the same time, my friend Heather ran to the local Walmart to grab some white leggins - just in case! So modesty was restored and I could show off my fancy wedding shoes without making anyone blush!

Our wedding plans were all about simplicity. And not spending money on stuff we would just throw away after the wedding.  I didn't want flowers for that reason.  My cupcake brigade ladies weren't ok with that and all chipped in to get me the most gorgeous bouquet and a boutonniere for TheMan.  They surprised me back in the bridal room! What sweet love from my friends.

The ceremony was performed by our pastor and friend Shayne.  He's been part of our story since we joined this church.  So it was special to have him seal the deal!

Our wonderful boys, TheBoy and LilBro walked me down the aisle to their dad.

They had worked out a little skit when Shayne asked them who gave this woman to be married to this man.  They conferred behind me as to the worthiness of their dad for this honor.  They said things like:
    LilBro: "I don't know...he smells kind of funny!"
    TheBoy:  "Yah, he smells like onions and disappointment!"
and
   LilBro: "I think Liam Neeson would be a better choice..."
The finished by coming forward and TheBoy saying, "I'm sorry to say but we can't..." TheMan interrupted them by stepping forward, pulling a $50 bill from his pocket and asking if that could change their minds.  TheBoy quickly snatched the money and said "Yes!  Yes it does!"  We were all dying!

The afore mentioned TheEngineer stood up with TheMan.  My BigSis stood with me.  The boys flanked us.  At one point, Shayne invited our friends to step up and say something about our relationship.  TheEngineer started.  His vulnerable statements and clear emotion had us all choked up.  He spoke of how something had always made him stand up for and love TheMan - even during the very rough years.  His love of TheMan and never wavering friendship is something I will never forget.  I suspect it is a major reason why TheMan really believed in God's love - seeing it lived out in this friendship.

Then his wife C.Beth was next.  She spoke of our friendship.  She got me when she said the reason so many people love and support me is because I love and support so many people.  I have to remember that because I tend to only thing of my snarky side.

Our worship leader and friend Adam (one half of the supremely talented Stone & Crow) handled the video (soft lights flickering on the 3 video screens), playing our wedding playlist, and cuing up the entrance and exit songs.  It's so generous when a friend who is invited to the wedding volunteers to also work that wedding.  He gave us one more thing to not worry about.

During the ceremony, during the 100+ degree heat, the caterer arrived.  Our friend BBQDave left the fun to go help him lug in the food and drinks.  It was not fun or glamorous work but he volunteered and handled it all.  I love him! When we queued up for the receiving line in front of the catered dinner line, a friend informed us that the caterer had forgotten plates and cups.  Three church friends, PJ, Derek and Kaydean, jumped behind the cafe.  PJ immediately grabbed plates and coffee cups and the three of them got the food line going!  Again - I had dropped the ball on the little detail of getting volunteers to serve.  And my friends just jumped in.  I love them so much!  PJ also later announced to everyone that there was plenty of food and everyone who wanted could have seconds.  Or thirds!!!  A bunch of us took a lot of food home. Yum!

My sweet brother-in-law, TallGuy, had to run to Walmart to grab ice.  Another forgotten detail by either me or the caterer.  I don't really know or care.  But he ran and did it.  Goodness!!

So, only due to the quick thinking and willingness of my family and friends to jump in, we became Mr. and Mrs TheMan.

Engaged: Milestone in a Whacked Up Love Story

Yesterday, The Once and Future Husband proposed! That's his grandmother's ring I have worn since she gave it to us when we first got engaged in 1996.  I had taken it off recently to die my hair (badly).  I told him where it was and told him to put it on the correct hand when he was ready.  I said it rather angrily.  Yesterday, he put it on my left hand as I left the laundry room (all gross and sweaty).  Then he asked if I would marry him! So yah.  Yesterday pretty much rocked.

This was how I announced it on Facebook

This was a (completely posed) reaction face from BigBro and LilBro as we celebrated with a nice dinner:

This is my current Facebook profile picture.  It's a selfie we took last month at a hockey game:

'Cause I'm classy like that

So.  Yah.

Yah and So THIS Happened...

Thanks to my friend CBeth for letting me borrow this picture from her. And yes, that IS my new boyfriend getting baptized. And yes, he sure DOES look a lot like TheEx...

The Forgiven

What's your unforgivable sin? I mean, the one that you could never forgive. I can think of a few that would test my ability to survive.  Most of which I've asked God to never let me be tested in that way.

In 2007, I encountered one at the top of my short-sighted limited list and called a lawyer.  A year later, I stood in front of a judge as he signed my divorce papers.  I stood with the same deer in the headlights look as about 10 other people sitting there waiting their turn.

The majority of my divorce survival, I prayed for different things. Mostly, "God, help me get through this moment, hour, day."  But often I asked him to please put true forgiveness in my heart.  I knew it wouldn't happen solely by my own efforts.  Back then, if you Googled "Hell Hath No Fury", I would swear you'd have found my picture.

God kept me . . . sane, I guess.  When I wasn't attempting to control my fate, he generally kept me from hatred.  He was also good enough to allow me the ugly feelings.  But he didn't let me settle there.

God sent my parents here.  He put me in a very unique neighborhood full of friends that helped (and still do).  Often times, unasked.  He gave me the perfect church of patient people able to nurture me while I remained encapsulated in my pain and struggle, often unable to comprehend that anyone else could be hurting as badly as I was or hurting at all.

During the whole time, God worked on The Ex, too.  Quite frequently, he let me witness it.

In 2010, The Ex returned to my state and town. An answer to many prayers of two awesome boys.  And to many of my own.  But it was hard.  It renewed my pain, anger, resentment and need to see him punished.

He returned to various levels of disdain - not just from me but from those in my world that had stood by me.  His own struggle with guilt and shame was made heavier by the judgment of those that loved me.

God sent some of His True People to The Ex.  My pastors, my music director & his wife, and a couple of other folks from my church.  Many of my friends took their lead from me and allowed themselves to be friendly to him.  Many were surprised to find he wasn't a horrible person.

It has taken almost three years in close proximity but God is rocking real forgiveness.  My parents treat The Ex like family now.  My BigSis and her TallGuy would have been first in line to kick his ass back in the early days of the horror show.  And now they accept him as family, too.  That is some grace right there, I tell yah.

You will be shocked and dismayed to hear that I am not perfect.  Nay, it is so.  Most days, I feel like I have completely forgiven The Ex and can be perfectly strong in our friendship.  We laugh a lot.  We watch TV with the boys a lot.  We eat out a lot.  I mean, he was my best friend for 17 years.  Losing that was awful.  God restoring our friendship is just one in a huge thread of miracles in this story.

My imperfection comes in the fragility of my resolve.  I am easily undone by events that remind me of the wrong done me.  I am easily undone by the enemy reminding me of things The Ex did back when we were dissolving.  I am easily undone by any tiny misstep he takes in our friendship.

Over and over these last few years, God keeps reminding me "There IS no unforgivable sin." Not with God.  Humans, sure.  We have our limits.  But even those can be overcome if we ask God to help us.  So I keep asking God to help me forget.  Wipe the bad memories from my brain.  When they come, I tell the enemy to piss off.  Then I box up the memory or emotion, put it down and ask God to take it.  Then I ask him to help me move on without it.  To help me make NEW memories with my friend, The Ex.

Since the holidays - when I had a major Hell Hath No Fury meltdown with The Ex - we have turned a major corner.  We communicate more regularly.  If something is eating at me and I can't make it leave, I tell The Ex.  And he will talk to me.  Sometimes, he lets me cry or vent or just explain how frustrated I am.  I keep thinking each of these episodes will chase him off again.  He has told me that will never happen again.

We are working with God, our church, and counselors to clear the mess between us.  We don't have to FIX all the problems that were there right this minute.  But we are both committed to get them out in the open, identify them, work at making sure we don't repeat it.  How could we ever move on to new relationships if we can't do that?

My point to this whole blathering mess is this: There IS no unforgivable sin.  For me as a human, there are offenses that could take me a lifetime to forgive.  But The Ex has a blank slate from God.  I get a re-do from God all the time.  I want to give The Ex the same blank slate that God already gave him.  And that God repeatedly gives me.

It doesn't really matter what he or I did to break our marriage and get it to the point where we canned it.

What matters is my God came down and suffered all the trappings of humanity - including torture and murder - to allow me my blank slate and freedom from the slavery of a crazy litany of rules.  The least I can do is forgive someone for being imperfect and allow him to be the wonderful guy I met back in the late 80's and shared my life with for 17 years.  And I thank God that he's given The Ex an extra helping of patience to deal with my imperfect humanity while I ride the roller coaster of forgiveness.

Transitions

Our church is about to hit a big transition. Our head pastors, Kenny & Michelle, are moving out to California to attend an amazing school for three years. I'm so excited for them! There is a part of me that wants to go to this school. If my boys end up choosing this school for their college years, I will be over the moon!

The new pastors are not set in stone yet. We are pretty sure we know who it will be but God has to rock some pretty big miracles to get them here.

When churches change pastors, they change many members. A lot of people visit a church and connect to something there. Very often, it's the pastor. In my case, I joined this church back in 2005. A little over a year later, the head pastors moved to southern California to pastor a larger church there. That's when Kenny & Michelle took over. Our membership morphed for a while. But we eventually hit our stride (or at least, I think we did).

Many of my church friends are very connected to Kenny & Michelle. I am, too. So I'm praying hard for my church. That God do what's best and help people to keep their hearts and minds open to the new pastors and their style.

I'm oddly mellow about this. I haven't cried over this yet. And there have been quite a few tears. I think my history of moving probably helps. As an IBM Brat, I moved something close to 8 times by the time I was 13. I know the reality of relationships. They come and go with life changes and seasons. I know my true friends are just that, no matter how much distance is between us. Those true friends are there for me no matter how often we see each other.

So the thought of Kenny & Michelle leaving to follow God's calling is exciting to me. I envy people who clearly hear from God to pick up and do something specific. I know I will see them again when they visit their family still in this area. I know I will haunt them on Facebook.

Today was Kenny's 2nd to last time preaching. As he spoke, I was hit with a momentary pit in the stomach. I think there will be a sense of loss I'm not quite understanding at the moment. I had trouble listening to his message. I thought how far we had come. In 2007, when he started speaking, he was rough and nervous. Now, he speaks easily, straight from the heart. He shares from his life, being extremely honest about his early days, before Jesus had his heart. He talks very candidly about how he used to be. Everyone can relate to imperfection and we love that he can relate to our imperfections. He never pretends to be oh-so-perfect. He is welcoming and is the first to admit that he's flawed just like anyone else.

In 2007, they had just announced he would become the new head pastor and my marriage imploded. The poor guy was barely in his new role and I was all, "Hey, I'm having a huge life crisis and think my head is going to explode. Can you help?" Kenny and Michelle walked with me through that journey. Sometimes, counseling me. Sometimes, Michelle just sitting there as I sat on her bedroom floor, bawling, thoughts tumbling jumbled from my mouth. I have no idea how they found the strength to handle it all. Learning how to pastor a church and me in crisis mode every time I saw them. I doubt that's how they think of it. But I look back on that time - I was so needy. I couldn't see beyond my own swirling misery. I had nothing to give - only desperately draining whatever I could out of all around me.

Kenny also had a heart for The Ex. I could tell he truly loved The Ex, whether I was mid-hate or wrestling with feelings of vengeance or forgiveness. He never stopped praying for The Ex. It was hard to take during the times I wanted God to punt The Ex to Pluto. But in my more lucid moments, I thanked God that someone had the heart to truly pray for The Ex.

Kenny and Michelle have always been champions of my little fractured family. Kenny was one of the men in my church that recognized the need my boys had for a reassuring word from a man. These wonderful men in my church took my boys under their collective wings. Kenny always had a hug for them. If the boys asked him things, he always made time - talking to them like they were the only ones in the room. Once, Kenny was going to give his testimony as the message. At the time, BigBro was really wrestling with anger about the divorce. Kenny invited BigBro to stay for the service instead of going to kids' class. BigBro stayed and listened to EVERY word. Kenny shared his experience as a child of divorce. I still think that stays in BigBro's head.

Once, when BigBro was very upset and worried about something spiritual - I can't recall what - I think it was heaven - I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do. I called Michelle and asked if she would talk to BigBro. She did. At length. I'm not sure what all she told him. But when they hung up, BigBro was at peace.

Kenny & Michelle have baptized both of my boys. I had always warned Kenny that I expected him to perform my next marriage and had joked that it was up to Kenny to find me my groom!

The Ex joins us at church very frequently because of his strong connection to many of our church friends. When I told him Kenny & Michelle were leaving, it hurt. He had just returned to Texas and had very few friends. Kenny & Michelle - he knew - were true friends. So he was loath to lose them.

Kenny & Michelle walked with me in my journey from utter desolation to being a strong God Girl. They have encouraged me, called me to the mat on certain things, gently corrected me, joked with me, been examples of selfless service, pointed out my strengths when I couldn't see them. There are many times in my day to day life when I'm at a decision point. At some of these times, I pause and think, "What would [so-and-so] do here?" God has blessed me with many fine examples to put in that [so-and-so] bracket. Kenny & Michelle are often inserted there.

It will be hard to let them go. Selfishly, I want them here. But I will send them off with blessings. And will cheer them on as God takes them into their next season.

I love you, Kenny & Michelle.

Growling And The Ex

Growling
BigBro has been making a strange noise a lot lately. I can't tell if it's a tic or he's just enjoying the sensation of it.

I can't describe it very well. The way I can do it is, if I close my mouth, breathe in through my nose and make my vocal chords vibrate on the intake. It's like an inhalation growl.

He does it now and then. I've noticed it every day for quite some time. Every now and then I'll say, "Hey, you're growling," or "Stop the growling." Not mean. Just kind of like you'd tell your kid to get their finger out of their nose in a matter-of-fact tone.

As we went to bed tonight, I followed him up the stairs and heard the growl. I said, "Hey, you're growling again." Lil'Bro asked why he does that. BigBro said he didn't know. I asked if it was tic-ish or if he just liked the feeling. He wasn't sure.

Lil'Bro asked what a tic was. I explained how Tourette's is a neurological disorder where the nerve signals get confused or crossed. Probably not exactly technical but it helps me to think of it this way. Lil'Bro wanted examples so I mentioned some. I tried not to list all of BigBro's manifestations - kind of hit all over the TS spectrum.

After a while, BigBro asked me to stop talking about the symptoms because it made him uncomfortable. He has told me in the past that he doesn't feel his TS until I mention it. Which I understand. But I also think it's important for his little brother to understand what TS is and how it might manifest. It's always good to have a built in advocate - even if he IS three and a half years younger than you!

So I told BigBro that I'm just explaining it to Lil'Bro and there's no need to feel like I was listing everything on HIS list of TS symptoms. He eventually joined in the explaining. Which was cool. I certainly don't want it to be a hush-hush taboo subject.

I understand how discussing TS can make BigBro suddenly very aware of lurking feelings. But I also know he can own those feelings, talk about it and be ok.

And The Ex
And on a totally separate subject, The Ex has been living nearby for just over a month now. I cannot tell you how spoiled I feel with the extra help he is giving with the boys.

But here is one weird little observation:

When I was doing this all alone - forced to do it - I did it. I mean, yah, I had days where I felt overwhelmed. Especially in the beginning. But by this third year? Our routine was in the can. I just did it. Not spectacularly, mind you. But we were all alive, relatively clean, fed and clothed.

On my own, if dishes needed doing? I did them. If laundry piled up, I tackled it (eventually). If errands backed up, I got 'em done. I could do all the shopping, unload the car and put it all away. Hey, who else is gonna do it, right?

Well, now I have a co-parent nearby. Within walking distance. He's been stepping up and helping. Suddenly, I can remember being one of a couple. Suddenly I remember how impossible it felt that I could have done the shopping and now I had to unload the WHOLE car all by myself! AND I had to put the stuff away, too?! Suddenly, one person couldn't possibly do any of the chores that needed doing - not alone!

Being part of a couple gave me this fragile-flower mentality. I see it all the time with couple friends of mine. The trash is overflowing but my friend won't touch it. That's his job. The dog can be scratching at the door, starving, but another friend won't get the food from the bag 5 feet away because that's her job. I mean, really?

But yah. Really. I was the same way. I remember thinking I would never be able to do it all by myself. And there are those that would look around my house and argue I am NOT doing it all by myself. (And I would agree.)

But let me tell you, my dainty-fragile-flower mentality? Feh! Because on my good days? (And lately, these outnumber my bad days by far) I can get up, get the school prep done, dress the kids, help Lil'Bro brush his teeth while hounding BigBro not to get distracted. I can get them to school and get to work and then kick ass to get back in time to pick them up from after-school-care. I can drag them home and whip them into homework-mode. I can make a dinner (and by "make", I don't mean Donna Reed's version of "make" - but they're alive and thriving so...), clean up the mess and put away the leftovers. I can do the grocery shopping, unload the whole car and put it all way - alone. I can run the errands. I can balance [air quotes] the budget and make all the payments. I can plan, pay for and execute all the parties. I can buy the clothes, shoes, school supplies. I can somehow squeeze 2 extra hours out of my...um...busy schedule for a birthday party for every kid my boys know. I can periodically dust (at least once a decade), vacuum (much more frequently), scrub, wipe, and scour the house. I can do ridiculous amounts of laundry. I can post meaningless jibber jabber on Facebook and blogs. I can make it to church on time with both boys in tow, contribute to the ministries there (including 'Comic Relief' and 'Official Wisecracker'), sing my brains out and get back home. I can do it. I don't need to half-ass it and whine that my partner should be doing such and such and if only he'd be doing THIS part, I'd be able to do THAT part better and all that horse hockey I used to think.

And this isn't judgment. These are all observations about my formerly whiny, selfish SELF.

When I became a single parent, I talked to God and said, "You're going to have to help me here. There is NO way I can do this on my own!" There really wasn't. It's not a one-person job.

Thankfully, my partner is the Creator of All Things. He still makes me unload the whole car and put the groceries away. But not alone.

Awesome And Scattered

An update for the new year. That's what I've promised you. The two of you that read this (Hi Uncle Dan!). It's gonna be a bit all over the place. Some awesome things are happening and some stressful times are hitting. It never comes when scheduled, does it!

Let me go look to see what my last real update was. Hold on...

Oh yah. We'll start with the good stuff. So yah, the JOB! Woo hoo! I've been working at the new job since Dec 14th. I still love it. Today, my project manager was amused at my gung-ho Pollyanna "I love my job" attitude. He said, "Don't worry. We'll crush your soul eventually." Not a chance. If my last job couldn't, it ain't gonna happen. So on the job front: awesome job description, awesome coworkers, awesome bosses, awesome project. Yah. I'm diggin' it. Also, they're slowly being exposed to and getting used to my humor. Mwah ha ha ha ha!

New Years was nice and mellow. The Ex was in town to visit the boys. We hung out more than my family would probably want. We are friendly and get along. God has been working some amazing forgiveness into my heart. Also, some compassion. You know, when someone crashes and burns their life - even if it takes a large chunk of yours with it for a while - it's never fun to watch. And the boys love him. So we hung a few times.

The strange thing about hanging with The Ex is our attempts at talking. It doesn't always work but we have been slowly trying to find resolution on as many issues that contributed to our demise as possible. Any of you divorced people know that's a rare thing. Even if the desire to try to find some closure is there, it rarely ever happens. We had some good talks. We have both been able to bring a few things to the table, lay them out, own up to them and apologize. It's not perfect. I can't say I never flare up and toss a few digs at him. But there is a slow process of communication going on here that I know doesn't often happen between exes. And I appreciate it. Just knowing he's not a complete evil horror show is helpful.

My brain is a bit fried right now. I'm not quite used to my new work schedule. I am up between 5-5:30am each morning (and I am NOT a morning person). The boys get up at 6am now - an hour early for them. And the not-morning-person thing is apparently genetic. But we'll adjust eventually.

School is going well. They have their moments. Pokemon Boy had some struggles with going back after winter break. Also, every time his dad visits and then leaves, he has a rough week or two. Hopefully we're over all of that.

We have a lot of family illnesses and injuries happening all at once. I am not really in a frame of mind to go into the details. But there is a LOT of prayer going on in our family at the moment. And of course, prayers for Haiti dominate a lot of my time.

I'm really way too scattered to make this any kind of interesting. I promise to be a bit more coherent and linear in my next post.

Smooches, y'all.

My Ex Ain't All That Bad...Kinda

Well, we all heard that I'm getting laid off.  No?  Didn't hear that?  I can't recall.  Did I tell you guys?  Well I am.  At the end of Jan 2009, my "position will be eliminated."  I'm in very good company.  They toasted quite a few of us that are all connected with a certain office and any of us that work from home - long distance.  So 22 years of experience, adios.  It's business.  It's rather common business, if you watch the news.

Anyway, I was talking to the ex about it back when I got the word (mid Oct).  I told him, once Big Financial Company lays me off, they will take back the only working computer in the house.  And tell me how you find a job with no computer?  Go to the library every day?  Not exactly conducive to the 24/7 instant messaging world we live in these days.  The ex says, Let me see what I can do to help.  I really didn't think much of it.

A couple of weeks ago, he called and told me to go to the Apple website and pick whether I wanted a laptop or desktop.  I told him to pick what he thought was best for the boys.

Last week, FedEx came by with a big box and we have a brand spankin' new iMac!  With a built in webcam.  And all sorts of fun stuff.  So my ex ain't all that bad.  In some respects.