Marriage License: Milestone in a Whacked Up Love Story

So yesterday, we went to the county clerk and applied for our marriage license.  The kids came with us.  Pretty amazing.  We posted this picture on my Facebook page and it had almost 200 likes by the end of the day.  I think it's safe to say we have quite a few people who are fans of our reconciliation.

Here's a selfie we shot at the 8 hour marriage course we took a couple of weeks ago.  It was a great class for any level of relationship.  And it got us $60 off the price of our marriage license.  So...you know...there's THAT...

God rocks, man.

Engaged: Milestone in a Whacked Up Love Story

Yesterday, The Once and Future Husband proposed! That's his grandmother's ring I have worn since she gave it to us when we first got engaged in 1996.  I had taken it off recently to die my hair (badly).  I told him where it was and told him to put it on the correct hand when he was ready.  I said it rather angrily.  Yesterday, he put it on my left hand as I left the laundry room (all gross and sweaty).  Then he asked if I would marry him! So yah.  Yesterday pretty much rocked.

This was how I announced it on Facebook

This was a (completely posed) reaction face from BigBro and LilBro as we celebrated with a nice dinner:

This is my current Facebook profile picture.  It's a selfie we took last month at a hockey game:

'Cause I'm classy like that

So.  Yah.

Yah and So THIS Happened...

Thanks to my friend CBeth for letting me borrow this picture from her. And yes, that IS my new boyfriend getting baptized. And yes, he sure DOES look a lot like TheEx...

Jane Austen: Is She Ruining My Dating Chances?

For years, girlfriends of mine swooned and pined over Jane Austen stories.  Or more, her characters.  I never understood the allure of stories like 'Pride & Prejudice'.  I was too busy being a tom boy.  Too busy trying to be hip in the music scene.  Too busy trying never to be a dainty frail female that can't open her own doors or her own pickle jars.  I couldn't stand that image and worked very hard to be the exact opposite.

So while my friends read 'Wuthering Heights' and the like, I stuck with my science fiction and fantasy.  No dainties there, thank you very much.

[A note: my tact above is very useful if you'd like to be best friends with every guy you know yet never have them give you a second look as a dating option.  Knock yourselves out, girls.]

So many of my Awesome Blogger Chicks are fans of Jane Austen.  I silently rolled my eyes as they all discussed and compared and related.  A Boston friend insisted I just had to watch 'Pride & Prejudice' with her.  Ummm...no thanks.  I had seen some of the recent Hollywood work-ups of Ms. Austen's stories.  Which is probably the first problem right there.  If it's cast with a bunch of mincing Americans doing HORRID British accents, I'm going to have trouble with it.  If it's also edited to fit the general western attention span (or maybe it's our bladder size), you will miss some very important detail that explains why everyone seemed to be in an uproar when so and so had done such and such.

Enter NetFlix.

In trying to fill my queue with an alternating list of movies that my young boys and I might enjoy (one week a kid's movie, the next week a mom movie), I decided maybe it was time to check out Mr. Colin Firth and all of his swoon-inducing work.

I had been sternly informed that any version of 'Pride & Prejudice' that didn't have Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy was pure poo.  I've only seen two versions.  First, I tried the 2005 Hollywood one with Keira Knightly and Matthew Macfadyen.  Then, I obeyed my friends and got the 1995 BBC TV miniseries with Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth.

Now, the 2005 version is visually stunning.  Knightly's Elizabeth is just a bit too...snotty.  Yes, I get the that the title rather implies this might be her issue in life.  But for the time period, she is way too bold.  And while I love her in certain roles, I had trouble buying her as her character.  I kept going, "Oh, there's Keira Knightly in a bad dye job."  But then Macfadyen's Mr. Darcy, I have to say I loved him.  I can see how some might say that he was just way too sad-puppy-ish in his facial expressions.  But this worked for me.  I see Darcy as much more saddened by his shortfalls rather than all pissed off.  At times, however, this sadness played a bit wimpy for me.  There needs to be a balance between the sadness and smoldering anger.  Initially, I also found this actor "not good looking enough."  Because I am an American and am totally hung up on beauty.  However, I loved that he totally made me believe the character.  So I'd watch and think, "Oh poor Mr. Darcy is in love with Keira Knightly in a bad dye job!"

My other issue with the 2005 version is the editing they did to keep theater-goers happy.  It's like trying to squeeze 'Lawrence of Arabia' or 'Ghandi' into a 2 hr movie.  You're going to miss some very vital character or situation development.  I remember watching this 2005 version first thinking, "Why is everyone in such an uproar over Lydia Bennet's doings?"  I also didn't really get the whole back story that made Wickham such a scoundrel.  It wasn't very clear.

In the 1995 mini series, Ehle's Elizabeth is appropriately beautiful, but not too.  She is also appropriately indignant at life's injustices relating to social and sexual differences.  But she's not rude.  She's amusingly and intelligently impertinent, which is what I would expect Ms. Austen to be going for.  I did have a problem with the actress playing the "beautiful" Jane.  She was pretty.  But really not all that much.  In the costume and hair of the period, she was a bit...well, it just fell short of inspiring the launch of all of Troy's ships, you know?  But I got over it because her acting was spot on.  Colin Firth as Darcy was visually perfect.  I felt his anger could have been mixed with a bit more sadness.  He just always seemed all pissed off.  How is that endearing?  Anyway, Mr. Firth can act however he wants and I will still adore him.  When he shows love or empathy on screen, I buy it.  Hook, line and sinker.  No matter what movie.  I prefer the 2005 Bingley to the 1995 one.  But again, it still worked for me.

The 1995 version also gives you the whole back story of everyone.  It shows all of the inappropriate missteps of poor Elizabeth's mother and younger sisters.  It gave all the details of why Wickham sucks eggs.  I got all the innuendo.  All in all, I loved it.  And then I called my Boston friend to apologize for ever having turned my nose up at it!

Last night, I watched 'Sense & Sensibility'.  It's the 2008 BBC miniseries.  I loved it.  I think I'd still like to see a version of this with someone else as Col. Brandon (perhaps Mr. Firth?).

Anyway, this has turned into A Former Tomboy Reviews 'Pride & Prejudice' posting.  Which wasn't my intent.

I have to tell you that, any version of Pride & Prejudice that I see, I am left with an empty pining feeling.  Pining for the elusive and imaginary Mr. Darcy.  I don't believe he exists.  And if he does, it's only for a year or two.  I so desperately want to believe in true love but, having only experience fake versions, I doubt it's existence.  I can lose myself in the movie and smile and get all teary eyed.  But then I think how sorry I feel for any man that crosses my path now.  How will he ever live up to Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy?  I don't for a minute believe that a man of 2009 will climb any mountain, swim any ocean, crawl across any dessert.  I don't see many men of today steal a glance at their girlfriend/wife with that "How did I get so lucky?" sappy look.  I don't see many men treating marriage as anything more than Extreme Dating.

So Jane Austen has ruined my chances at dating.  Mr. Darcy and Edward Ferrars don't exist.  So God's miracle will be either A) create a Mr. Darcy for me or B) shake me into reality and help me live there.

We'll see.

The Dating Rituals of Almost-Five Year Olds

So Lil' Bro says to me this week, "Mom guess what."  "What?" says I.  "I have a girlfriend at school," he says, all crinkly faced with glee and embarrassment.  "Oh really..." says me who is now channeling the mom from Adam Sandler's 'The Waterboy'.  "Well cool," I say nonchalantly, so as not to add any undue importance or excitement to what is and should be a very sweet and innocent thing.  Pokemon Boy isn't so cool about it.  He's eight.  Girls, he has found, give you kooties.

"Really?  You have a girlfriend at school?" he asks incredulously.  "Yup," beams Lil' Bro.  I exchange a look with Pokemon Boy that warns, Don't mess with him on this subject.  He gives me a nod of understanding and continues in an overly interested tone, "So what's her name?"  Lil' Bro says, "[PreSchoolGirl]."  "What color hair does she have," inquires Pokemon Boy.  He is a fan of long straight dark hair (that's my boy!).  "Blond, I think."  Men, I think jokingly to myself.  Can't even remember the color of their girlfriend's hair.

"So you don't mind being her boyfriend?" asks the kootie-phobic 3rd grader.  "No," says Lil' Bro.  "But also," he continues, "[OtherBoy] likes her, too."  "Oh," I say, preparing for a preschool version of heart break.  "And is that ok with you?"  "Yah.  We share her," he informs me.  "You share her?  Does [PreSchoolGirl] know this?"  "Yah."  "And she's ok with this?"  "Yah."  "Ok then."

I think preschoolers "date" way better than adults.  You declare your affection.  Label yourself as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend".  Share when necessary.  And that's it.  Nothing else.  Just play together and tell people you have a girlfriend.  If only we were that smart.

Don't Pick the Right Guy

I thought I'd share this thought with you because A) it's poignant in my own life, B) it should be poignant to any woman thinking about having a relationship with any man and C) it will plug my friend's book.

So yesterday I was at church. One of my favorite friends there is a single girl (as in, never been married). I don't remember what started the conversation. Oh, I think I was talking about whether I'll ever trust that a man can actually love and value a woman in a way that requires him to toss his selfishness (yes, I'm momentarily jaded & cynical). She is in her early 30s and said something like she gets scared as she gets older. "I'm afraid of picking the wrong guy!" she said. "So don't," I said. She just looked at me like, "Huh?" "Don't pick any guy. Let God pick him." I could hear just how trite and cliche I sounded. Like some self righteous idiot suggesting something like, "Just stop sinning," to a career criminal. But something in me told me to keep going. I'm pretty sure it wasn't me - it was God giving me the thoughts.

I said, look, I picked a guy. I picked this guy and said, "Ok God, please make this the right guy. Make him The One!" And God looked skeptical and started to explain something. But I just shushed him and said, "God...I said make THIS guy the one for me. Make him the perfect husband for me." Like, this is the one I want, God. Work it out, will yah? I tell this much better in person because there are hand gestures and certain phrases that don't translate into type. But the reality is, for years, I asked God to make future ex The One. And God kept trying to tell me something - probably trying to tell me that he wasn't The One and maybe why. But each time, I'd hold up my hand and go on pining and waiting.

Eventually, I got tired of waiting for God to make future ex The One. So I took matters into my own hands. I asked him to marry me. And since no one better was around, and I was nice and had a good job and seemed pretty ok, he said sure, why not. Everyone we knew was thrilled. Including me. But in the back of my mind, I knew I had settled on the one point I said I never would. I married a non-Christian. Not that marrying a Christian guarantees anything. But it gives you a better common starting point. You'd hope. But that's a whole other post.

When I got married, I see a certain image in my head. I see God going *sigh* and throwing up his hands a little. Like, I tried to tell her! But God being the wonderful loving father (read: dad) that he is, he saw that I took my marriage vows and whole marriage very seriously. He saw that I really wanted to make this work. And I think he honored it. I imagine him going, "Ok I'll bless this union because you love me and are taking this seriously. But I can't make any promises for this guy. I mean, he's got free will and all that." He gave us a lot of fun happy years. And he blessed us with two gorgeous, perfect boys.

Well, the current situation speaks for itself. I married a man *I* chose. And not blindly. I'm not kidding when I tell you that I begged God to make him The One. I knew he wasn't what I should have waited for. But I got scared. I was 30. How would I be able to start from scratch and find a new one. Notice how I was wondering how I'D do all that?

So I told my beautiful special friend, "Don't pick the right guy. Ask God to pick him for you. And then trust that God will pick someone way better than you could. He knows what you want. But more - he knows what you need. He'll bring him. Just ask him."

It's not the kind of conversation I would normally have. But I'll tell you, this little wake up call I call Divorce? The hard lessons I'm learning shouldn't remain locked up in some dank corner of my mind. And do you know what is illustrating the lesson I just talked about here? Trish's new book. And I'm not saying that just to plug Trish's book. I'm saying that because I'm reading it and thinking - oh for the love of Pete! She's lived it, too! Just like me. Just like every woman out there. But she writes about it very well. And makes me laugh at the same time. Her book illustrates how things go when WE do the picking. And how things go when we ask GOD to do the picking.

Don't pick the right guy. Ask God to pick him for you.

Slow Down There, Yenta!

One of the perils of being in the midst of a divorce and having lots of people who love you is, inevitably, someone (or multiple someones) will start eyeing potential matches for you. This is only natural. I am sure I have been as guilty as most.

But lets look at a few facts here folks.

A) I am not legally divorced. Rather important, this.
B) I am in no way desiring another relationship in this century. I'm sure this will change. I am assured by all concerned (and most not concerned) that this will change. Great. But for now? I don't want to have to think that hard.

That's pretty much all I have at the moment. But if you look at both of those, yah, they're rather strong arguments for everyone backing OFF this whole Yenta-matchmaking thing. Or for you Jane Austen lovers, stop being Emma - or whoever the big matchmaker is of her writings.

Now all of that is said with great affection and quite a lot of humor. Oh, I'm serious enough about the sentiments. But I do laugh when I say it. And here are the two most recent stories that explain why:

Story #1: My Dad -
Mom told me this story while we were driving back home from some fast food joint. I was in the way-back of their family van.

Mom & dad needed a water softener dude to come check their water softener. He did his thing and they all got to talking. He was about my age, according to my mom. So they're chatting and suddenly dad says something to the effect of, "Well, we have a daughter that's going through a divorce and we're looking for a husband for her." My mom said her head snapped to and she was like, "WHAH???!" But rather than suddenly remembering a roast in the oven and running in fear, the guy got all serious and looked rather thoughtful for a moment. After which he said, "Well, I do have this one friend. He's 52," to which my mother quickly replied, "That's too old!" Ha! Good ol' mom. The guy assured her that he's a "young 52" and works out at the gym a lot. Yah, that's what I want. Some guy who likes going to the gym. Because I'm sure he'll totally be into a 42 yr old house-frau that works from home and gets about 30 minutes a year of good aerobic exercise. I'd have better luck with the Michelin Tire Man. And I could share his clothes.

Anyway, mom needed to get priorities straight. She told him that her daughter's number one criteria for a man is that he is a very Godly man. The guy said, "Well, he's gone to church with us a few times but I don't think you'd call him 'Godly'."

I told dad that if he gets ideas like that again to just give the potential guy the business card of my church. If he's serious, he can start attending my church.

Good gravy!

Story #2: Well Intentioned Small Group Friend -
Last Tuesday, I was relating the above story to my small group. We were all having the appropriate roar of laughter because everyone there knows my dad. And if you know him and can picture him saying all of that, it's just that much more of a hoot! So we're all laughing and one of my small group friends (and co-worship band member) says, "Well, I've actually had someone in mind for you for a while. But I figure you need more time." I nearly fell over laughing. I told him to give me at least a decade.

Honestly!

So apparently, everyone but me is looking around for potential partners for me. Good grief. I'm not even done shedding the first monkey from my back. You really want to saddle me with another?

It's all very sweet and funny to me. I'm sure my desire for a life of being single will start to fade eventually. But seriously folks, let me get the legalities of the first debacle behind me before I start planning another.

Wouldn't it be a hoot, though? I mean if that's how God finds my next man? One of these wacky friends or family members doing one of these crazy things? It wouldn't surprise me in the least. And it sure would be fitting.

But for now, I'm enjoying working on just me and God.

So back off, Yenta.

The Boy on the Lookout

Oh the simplicity of being almost-seven.

On Friday night, we were at our local restaurant that has a balloon animal guy on Friday & Saturday nights. As we sat in our booth impatiently awaiting his arrival at OUR table (the boys, not me), The Boy asked me, "Mom...why don't you marry the balloon animal guy and make HIM my step dad?" I could see he was very pleased with this marvelous idea. I mean, come on. Unlimited balloon animals at your beck and call - day and night. Fabulous. Except for a few things: A) He's married and unlike for some people, that's a problem for me, B) He's totally nice but totally not my type and C) I won't be able to entertain the thought of another man (shudder) in my life for a couple of years probably. So I had to explain points A & C to The Boy - I didn't want to have a conversation of "what my type" was with my almost-seven year old. Especially when I've tried to hard to convince him that nothing should matter in making friends except whether the person is nice or not. And since he thinks getting married is just the mom & dad way of making friends, well, I just didn't have the energy to get into that.

So it's nice to know that The Boy is looking out for the next perfect man for me. However, I think his priorities for a step-dad and my priorities for a man-in-my-life will not quite meet initially. I told him that, for now, I'm going to concentrate on being the best mom I can be for him and Lil Bro. And that I wanted to work on being ok with being alone. And God has something in store for us and I'm perfectly happy to wait and see what that is (which is often not true - I'm very impatient and would kind of like a movie trailer of what's going to happen). I want The Boy to see that not having a husband isn't the end of me. I want him to see a strong mom whose priority is him and his brother. I want him to see that one of his parents thinks that ending a 16 year relationship deserves the proper respect of mourning and recovery. I want him to see that I'm not just cruising for the next hot man thing.

I love that The Boy is so open to the idea of a step-dad. I love that he's looking out for a "good man" for me. My mom and I had a good laugh when I got home and told her about The Boy's declaration in the restaurant. Thank goodness he didn't suggest it to the balloon animal guy while he was making The Boy's dinosaur on a leash!