On This Day

So Facebook has a new-ish feature 'On This Day' that shows you posts you made or were tagged in from the same day in past years.  Today's posts from a year ago show how much God has brought the boys and me through in this last year.

A year ago today, I had the second discovery of THIS divorce.  In a twisted replay of the previous 2008 divorce, the ex had faked three months of marriage counseling and promises of 'doing the Hard Work to put our family back together.'  Social media plus the arrogance of thinking you could never get caught exposed the lies and two marriages were blown straight to hell. It was the day the ex finally lost any respect or love on my part.  It was the last day he saw TheBoy unless it was by accident.  The ex left our house with his car covered in mustard and 'F*** You' written in Silly String on his back windshield; both editorial gifts from TheBoy.

We have since spent the year juggling appointments with various counselors and doctors, finding the right dosages of meds for TheBoy and me, having late night sessions of talking, crying, or raging. I have listened to my beautiful boy calmly tell me he had thoughts that it would be easier to be dead.  I stepped out of a management position at work to gain the flexibility to come in late or leave early to get to counselors, psychiatrists, or whetever.  I have spent weeks and months not even wanting to fight the depression this time.  Wanting to just stay in the cave.  Wanting to tell everyone and their varied levels of honesty to just piss off and leave me alone.

I've never let go of God.  Actually, he's never let go of me.  In the first recovery, I feel I was more proactive in that whole "press into God" thing. I prayed, I cried, I read, I plead, I threw myself into My Father's lap.  This time, I think I was just existing.  Existing in God's presence.  Like sitting in a dark room just being.  Knowing God was all around me but not really trying to talk to or beg of him.  I think I just kind of sat in the dark confident he was doing His Work.  I had no energy.  I had no fight.  Not for me.  I didn't have a second round in me.  So I existed. Knowing I should be reading His Word.  Knowing I should have been running to church to serve in any capacity I could find.  Knowing I should have been praying and seeking and Trying.  Like last time.

But I didn't want to.  I still don't want to.  I want to stay in the cave wrapped in my hard-won knowledge that nobody is trustworthy.  Everyone lies.  Marriages are painted just like women in makeup.  Hollywood peddles a fucked up idea of love.  And the entitled narcissists in America think love conquers all and you have to follow your heart and certain people Belong Together and everyone else in the way are just extras in the movie of their epic love story.  All is fair in love and war.

So yah.  I'm cynical.  I'm untrusting.  I'm angry.  I'm disappointed.  I have a very different view of what is important in life and what is just ridiculous distraction.

It will change.  It already is changing.  I've forced myself out of the cave I've built.  TheBoy has, too.  Those close to us can see a change.  There has been a shift.  Not a huge u-turn.  But a turn of some kind.

We are not lost to the dark side.  I'm not 100% devoid of life or love.  Just today, I'm sharing a year's worth of struggle in one post.  So it's bleak.  Sorry.  God is still doing His Work.  And I'm letting him.  I will keep doing mine. I continue to provide for and raise my boys.  To be vigilant for shadows that cross TheBoy's heart, mind, or psyche. 

To ensure I don't just get sucked into the void of hate, I love in the small ways right now.  I love in a fashion that I can handle at the moment.  I have focused my efforts anonymously to people I don't know.  I feel like that's where I can actually show real love right now.  To people I don't know.  People from which I expect nothing.  I ask God to guide my little acts.  And he shows me.  I feel like it's tuning me into hearing him better.  And if I can help people without any faith in God or humans to have just a tiny bit of faith because of some random stranger? Ima just do it.

Lil'Bro is thankfully young enough to deal much better.  He sees the ex a few times a month. He doesn't like what the ex did but missing his dad outweighs his anger.  TheBoy will take longer.  At fifteen, the impact of the deceit and betrayal is just huge.

I know things could be worse. I'm aware that my plight is mine and is nothing compared to the horrors going on around the world.  But I share because sometimes sanity comes through reading something seemingly minor that makes you realize you're not alone.

I'm not alone.  I've always got God.  And he is incredibly generous in surrounding me with neighbors, friends, coworkers, family, and church family that - for some reason - walk with me.  Through my moods.  My ups and my caves.  Or maybe they just want me for my pies.

Broken but Not Beaten

This blog has been an outlet for my fears about my son's Tourette's.  It has been an outlet when I went through my divorce back in 2007.  It helped me navigate the severe depression after the divorce.  I have made some amazing blogger chicks from Canada to New Zealand.  So I feel it only fitting to share my current broken state.  And that of TheBoy and LilBro, too.

A month after the wedding of the decade, I discovered that things were not as wonderful as they seemed.  I convinced myself I was paranoid from my previous experience in 2007.  I can't bring myself to go into details here.  But the reconciliation, dating, and wedding were all done within huge lies.  A fun little kicker is I found this out after finally trusting my gut and digging - all the while feeling like I was being a bad wife by digging.  Four days after having legally changed my last name.  Good times.

So, while I am still technically married in the eyes of the state in which I live, my "husband" lives with friends.  TheMan, TheBoy, LilBro and I are all in therapy.  I am watching TheBoy spiral dangerously in depression.  He and I have gotten help both emotionally and medicinally.  But at his age (14) you heap all the normal confusion of being teen with a major family trauma and potential RE-divorce of his parents...it's bad.  His anxiety attacks that had been gone for years have undone him enough to miss a lot of school.  LilBro's anxiety manifests in a much less obvious way.  His teacher informed me that it's off the charts in the form of obsessing over time and schedules.  But he's keeping his grades up and is pretty happy over all.  He's 10.  He's still hoping dad will come back home.

Here is one reason I'm sharing this even though I haven't shared this with all friends and family yet.  If you for one second think that God had a hand in this horror show, stop right now.  If you feel any anger toward God for "letting this happen" to me?  Don't.

There has not been ONE SECOND where I've thought God did this or wondered why he let this happen to me.  I will tell you what I've told other friends and family members.

First and foremost - no matter what hell on earth may happen?  GOD IS ON HIS THRONE.  Don't think for one second that some disaster or evil proves otherwise.

Second - God had no hand in the lies and betrayal perpetrated by TheMan and another "friend" of ours.  That was all the enemy.  The prince of stupidity.  Satan, the devil whatever you want to name him.  He saw the bright beacon our family was for God and he threw something irresistible in front of the weakest member.  Not my kids.  No, he went for the new believer: TheMan.  It's what he does when he's scared that something is about to Shine for God.  He knew TheMan still had major broken wounds and he played to those.

Third - God will always lay out amazingly perfect plans for each of us.  And then each of us uses the free will God gave us to walk the path he laid for us, to walk kind of NEXT to it, to walk away from it, or to reject it altogether.  That is US, man.  We all do it.  I did it for years.  I walked close enough to God's path to fool myself that I was ok because, hey, I could still SEE it!  Granted, I had to look to the side to see it.  But still!  I could see it.  No, God always plans goodness for each of us.  And some of us don't trust it because, you know, God can't be THAT nice, right?  And some of us are broken and scarred from previous attempts by the enemy to destroy us and keep us walled off from God.  So we can't see the path.  Or we don't want to see it because some church or "Christian" or "God person" totally screwed us over way back when.  Or because something horrible was done to us that we can't even speak about.  I get it.  But it's still usually my choice...my free will.

So TheMan was given a beautiful path of redemption, forgiveness, grace, and trust.  By hundreds of people.  My whole family welcomed him back.  Some had to work harder at it than others.  But we welcomed him back.  Our church is a church full of imperfect broken people that never throws stones.  They loved our story of screwing up a marriage and fixing it.  And many of them came to what I now know was really just a theatrical sham of a "wedding."

TheMan was given an amazing gift from many people.  But the enemy kept reminding him of his previous failure.  Made sure he couldn't fully shake the shame and guilt from his actions in 2007-2010.  So his actions were all tainted by shame.  And anything you build in reaction to shame and guilt - no matter how much you want it to be true - it will come crashing down around you.  And it will DESTROY anyone close to you.

The fourth thing I will say to anyone who thinks that TheMan is hellbound: don't even go there.  TheMan is straight with God.  This I know.  His turn toward and acceptance of God/Jesus was and is real.  I know he talks to God all the time.  And I know he has talked to God about how wrong he was this time.  And last time.  So I know he's good with The Father.  This is EXACTLY what Jesus did on the cross, man.  This is why he died.  For all of us stupid selfish people that can't hold to a vow or remember a promise or think about anyone except our own wants.  For some reason, Jesus thought we were WORTH that.  And while we humans assign levels of evil to each wrong we do here on earth?  That's a human thing.  That's not a God thing.  If you have to turn away from God to do something, you've had to turn away from God to do that thing.  It all hurts God the same.  Whether you think that or not.  Doing wrong is doing something you BELIEVE is wrong.  So if you think disrespecting your husband in public is wrong and you still do it?  You're missing the mark just as bad as TheMan lying to and betraying me and his boys.  So if you're ok with being friends with abusive drunks and compulsive liars but you're not ok hanging out with TheMan because of what he did?  You're doing it wrong.

Don't get me wrong.  I am PISSED.  This is the SECOND time for me.  Having to use terms like "The first time this happened..." or "THIS time..." constantly undoes me and boils my BUTT.  Knowing that I have to find forgiveness for him?  That's hard, too.  Yah, I know the right thing to do.  But man, to have to do that AGAIN?  Now I get that passage where Jesus tells the disciples they have to not just forgive someone seven times but SEVENTY times seven times.  And I've done the math.  I'm struggling with the SECOND time.  So I doubt I'll pass the test all the way up to 490 times.  It's not fair that my boys and I got destroyed a second time.  It's not fair that I walked through a fake wedding - not knowing - smiling and feeling so elated at the culmination of God's miracle!

But I will get over the anger.  Just not right now.  And I will forgive him.  That part has already started.  But the clever prince of poo loves to just pop images of what he did into my head every time I start feeling kind and forgiving.  So yah.  I have a lot of work to do with God.  He has a HUGE miracle to pull off by putting REAL forgiveness in my heart.  And man, TheBoy?  He wants NOTHING to do with his father right now.  And LilBro feels torn and guilty because he wants to see and be with his dad but sees how angry TheBoy is.

I share this not to say "Hey look at how God's miracle was a lie!"  I share this to say God really did orchestrate reconciliation and forgiveness.  And TheMan turned it into a lie.  Not God.  But Jesus took care of this all on the cross.  TheMan just has to deal with us imperfect and enraged humans for a while.  I'm not excusing my anger and rage.  But I'm also not making myself feel bad for it.

So if you're a praying person, cover me and the boys.  If you're awesome enough, cover TheMan.  He has a hell of a mountain of therapy to conquer.  And believe it or not, I want this to end with us still married and actually HEALED and loving.  I am very painfully aware that ending may not be a reality.  I can cope with that.  It is undoing my boys, however.

I will say that TheBoy has shown no tics.  The anxiety attacks suck.  They derail him and make him feel despondent.  Watching him go from bright shining kid to this sad depressed teen...it kills me.  And really adds to my anger.

God can pull us all through this.  It's walking through the fire that sucks.  Even knowing God will get me through it.  The mire is awful at the moment.

Pissed and Praying,
Tourette's Mom

Waiting Well: Wedding of the Decade

This past Saturday, August 16th, 2014, found me an the now former TheEx remarry.  A friend posted a then-and-now picture of our 1996 wedding kiss with the 2014 kiss.

Obviously I need a new moniker for TheEx. Without getting overly fancy, I'm going with TheMan until I think of something better.

I think our wedding is not only representative of the miracle of reconciliation but also of the support system God set up around me.  Let me show you how:

My wonderful mom went with me to the church to figure out the placement of tables and chairs.  It's not a regular shaped venue.  I just couldn't picture the placement of the 18-20 rectangular tables in the space.  She had a vision and was able to show me.  It worked perfectly.

TheEngineer (hubby to the fabulous C.Beth/C.BethCrochet) showed up and helped set up all of the ginormous tables for me and mom.  On his day off.  He rocks.

The lovely Trish and Gwen flew in to represent my Boston church small group from back in 2005. They stayed with my fabulous mom because I knew the three would instantly bond.  Which they did.  Gwen is also a tiny tornado of assistance.  If you've even thought you might need something done, she somehow senses it and is instantly doing!  They helped mom and me set up and decorate the tables for the wedding. They also came into the bride dressing room and prayed over me.

The fabulous ladies from my small group worked with our friend Calli Cupcake to make and ice 200 cupcakes in three amazing flavors.

A last minute discovery at the church was that my skirt (which had to be hiked up under my armpits because it's made for some statuesque Amazonian) now had front slits up to a very not ok region.  So when I walked, way more was going to show than anyone wanted!  Mom retrieved needle and thread from her car and went to work.  At the same time, my friend Heather ran to the local Walmart to grab some white leggins - just in case! So modesty was restored and I could show off my fancy wedding shoes without making anyone blush!

Our wedding plans were all about simplicity. And not spending money on stuff we would just throw away after the wedding.  I didn't want flowers for that reason.  My cupcake brigade ladies weren't ok with that and all chipped in to get me the most gorgeous bouquet and a boutonniere for TheMan.  They surprised me back in the bridal room! What sweet love from my friends.

The ceremony was performed by our pastor and friend Shayne.  He's been part of our story since we joined this church.  So it was special to have him seal the deal!

Our wonderful boys, TheBoy and LilBro walked me down the aisle to their dad.

They had worked out a little skit when Shayne asked them who gave this woman to be married to this man.  They conferred behind me as to the worthiness of their dad for this honor.  They said things like:
    LilBro: "I don't know...he smells kind of funny!"
    TheBoy:  "Yah, he smells like onions and disappointment!"
and
   LilBro: "I think Liam Neeson would be a better choice..."
The finished by coming forward and TheBoy saying, "I'm sorry to say but we can't..." TheMan interrupted them by stepping forward, pulling a $50 bill from his pocket and asking if that could change their minds.  TheBoy quickly snatched the money and said "Yes!  Yes it does!"  We were all dying!

The afore mentioned TheEngineer stood up with TheMan.  My BigSis stood with me.  The boys flanked us.  At one point, Shayne invited our friends to step up and say something about our relationship.  TheEngineer started.  His vulnerable statements and clear emotion had us all choked up.  He spoke of how something had always made him stand up for and love TheMan - even during the very rough years.  His love of TheMan and never wavering friendship is something I will never forget.  I suspect it is a major reason why TheMan really believed in God's love - seeing it lived out in this friendship.

Then his wife C.Beth was next.  She spoke of our friendship.  She got me when she said the reason so many people love and support me is because I love and support so many people.  I have to remember that because I tend to only thing of my snarky side.

Our worship leader and friend Adam (one half of the supremely talented Stone & Crow) handled the video (soft lights flickering on the 3 video screens), playing our wedding playlist, and cuing up the entrance and exit songs.  It's so generous when a friend who is invited to the wedding volunteers to also work that wedding.  He gave us one more thing to not worry about.

During the ceremony, during the 100+ degree heat, the caterer arrived.  Our friend BBQDave left the fun to go help him lug in the food and drinks.  It was not fun or glamorous work but he volunteered and handled it all.  I love him! When we queued up for the receiving line in front of the catered dinner line, a friend informed us that the caterer had forgotten plates and cups.  Three church friends, PJ, Derek and Kaydean, jumped behind the cafe.  PJ immediately grabbed plates and coffee cups and the three of them got the food line going!  Again - I had dropped the ball on the little detail of getting volunteers to serve.  And my friends just jumped in.  I love them so much!  PJ also later announced to everyone that there was plenty of food and everyone who wanted could have seconds.  Or thirds!!!  A bunch of us took a lot of food home. Yum!

My sweet brother-in-law, TallGuy, had to run to Walmart to grab ice.  Another forgotten detail by either me or the caterer.  I don't really know or care.  But he ran and did it.  Goodness!!

So, only due to the quick thinking and willingness of my family and friends to jump in, we became Mr. and Mrs TheMan.

Long Time Gone

I haven't written here in over a year. That's kind of sad and kind of wonderful. I started this blog to write about our journey with Tourette's. That was derailed by me using this blog as an outlet as I struggled through my divorce and becoming a very shaky single mom.

So the sadness is, I used to write here every day. Then weekly, monthly, never. I miss the community a few of us built here.

The wonderful is, I needed this to work out fears and experiences with Tourette's that I just new would increase and rule my life. It has disappeared and is only in my life when it comes from external sources. I needed this to work through heart break, incredible emotional pain and deep deep depression. You all were my social checkpoint. I had trouble feeling like relating in person. Now, some of you are still connected to me on Facebook, through email (remember email?!), or in real life. And the divorce...well there's a story for you.

Let's catch up a bit.

In 2010, I think I mentioned The Ex moved back from Boston. While happy for my boys, I certainly didn't need someone messing up my routine or trying to insert himself into my parenting. It wasn't an easy adjustment. Having him 3000 miles away gave me a huge buffer zone. I didn't have to deal with him. Suddenly, BOOM! I had to deal with him. And all the memories and anger and resentment that came with that.

I have ridden the roller coaster of TotallyOverIt or HellHathNoFury. It has slowly gone from insane highs and lows to more even keeled. The Ex and I started getting along well and hanging out a lot.

2011 & 2012, more of the same. I worked. I did the mom thing. The Ex helped out quite a lot. And I tell yah, after 3 yrs of asking for help from my awesome mom or amazing neighbors or rockin' church family, it was good to have help from the person that SHOULD help.

My awesome church had a huge transition. After our head pastors moved to CA, we steadily began losing members. Small to begin with, it didn't take much to take the wind out of our sails. We got a church adviser that helped the remaining small group of families really take personal inventory and step up to the plate. It was a year of huge growth. And growth always comes with pain. But the growth was the main thing.

The Ex became our regular worship drummer. He also became a full believer! Something I prayed for for decades, never thinking I'd get to witness it. I stayed out of it because he wasn't my husband, we had too much history that involved religious differences. I wanted this all to be between him, God and whomever God sent to minister to him. And boy did God rock this! When God shows up for you personally? It's pretty difficult to discount him. But watching him seek God, question everything but with sincerity, not belligerence, watching him have real experience with the Presence of God...THAT was an honor.

We have found another amazing church. And this one, we both chose. The old church had been him coming into MY territory. As accepted as he was, it still had that feel for us. This church is OUR church. Which is very cool. He's on the worship team again. I'm serving all over the place. Currently, I am gearing up to facilitate another Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class. I'm helping with the food service. I'm helping with greeting, recycling, anything they need.

And I'm dating. After over 6 years of friends and family, I've just recently had about 4 dates with the same dude in about 2 weeks. And it's pretty cool.

A few people know who it is. The rest don't really need to know. He's private and I sure don't want to muck it up.

BigBro and LittleBro are doing amazingly well. BigBro will be 13 this summer. His Tourette's is gone and he is a huge testament to God's healing and grace. We prayed for total healing and left room in our minds for the possibility of God leaving it for some other purpose. But it's gone. BigBro's prayers have been so sincere and lacking the doubt and walls us adults bring to prayer. I think God gave him an early testimony. So I will always listen to and work with my doctors. But a human diagnosis will never have the last word for us. I leave that to God.

LilBro just turned 9. He is just as intelligent as his older brother but not as flashy. He is doing so well in school. His teachers over the last few years have recognized that he had some leadership qualities behind that shy little exterior. This year, he has been given some really great leadership tasks by his teacher. He rose to the occasion each time. He powered through the fear and did it. His confidence has soared.

So much has happened since my last posting in Nov 2011. Most of it incidental in this context. But if seeing my ex accept God/Jesus his life and heart is all I ever get? I'm totally ok with that!

I'll catch you up on other stuff soon. And I'll see if I can convince LilBro to let me post his current picture here. He is old enough where he gets to approve or veto any pic I post of him!

Deep Thoughts

Topics of lengthy discussion lately with my boys (in no particular order):

Bin Laden's death and why I'm not jumping around chanting "USA! USA!"

Who did Cain marry?

Big Bang vs Genesis Creation.

The "forever" aspect of heaven.

Will heaven be a physical place?

Grace & forgiveness.

Always tell God your greatest desires - even if you think they're impossible.

Step dads (on many levels).
- What if I marry someone they don't like?
- What if I marry someone who doesn't like them?

It's hard to believe in God when you can't see/touch him.

Baptism.

These guys keep me on my toes.

Outlets for Rage

As I may have mentioned here, BigBro feels things very deeply or with great strength. He is passionate about things he loves. His compassion and empathy can be his undoing. His capacity to love has always amazed me.

When things lean to the negative side, it is with equal power. His play therapist is really helping him with this. But he still has those moments when he has such overwhelmingly strong emotions, he doesn't know what to do with them.

Around Christmas, he had a pretty big meltdown. He is still processing his feelings about our divorce. He is extremely smart and tries to process everything. However, without full knowledge of exactly how our divorce came about, he is very confused and angry.

As he sat there trying to explain his anger, I noticed his clenched fists at his side. He was yelling to me about how he hates the divorce and doesn't even know who to blame (ie - me or dad). I could see the wound tension in him. And it brought me right back to being that little kid that was trying to deal with something completely out of my control. Something that I hated (usually a punishment or explanation of why I couldn't have/do something). I knew there was nothing I could do to change it. But my rage was overwhelming. My memories of these times bring back visions of pure white rage taking over my sight. I remember wanting to break or hit something. I didn't want to HURT anyone. Or break anything important. I just needed to punch something or feel something break.

As I sat listening to BigBro venting and hurting, it killed me. I totally recognized the bottled rage. I asked him, "You probably feel like hitting something, don't you?" He threw his face to the ceiling and screamed "YEEEEESSSSSS!" Ugh. Man do I get it.

We did a lot of talking. I did a lot of listening. I related some of my memories from my own frustrations as a kid. I wanted to let him know that I understood what he was feeling and he wasn't insane to feel it. We also prayed. A lot!

I wasn't able to get him to his play therapist for another 3 weeks. And it helped. But I can see the underlying anger and confusion always threatening to undo him in those moments of frustration.

I talked to my mom about a punching bag. In high school, when I was still dealing with becoming part of a blended family and full of rage and anger, a friend showed me how to use one of those smaller wall-mounted punching bags that you always see boxers hitting. Bippity bappity bippity bappity. I got pretty good. When I needed to, I just whaled on that thing. My mom and I thought it would be good for both boys to have something to pound on.

But I wanted to check with their therapist. I know there can be a fine line between allowing for a physical outlet and encouraging violence as a solution to frustration. I sent the therapist an email explaining what I had seen, my own experience of wanting to hit things, and our thoughts about a punching bag. He wrote back, "I think [BigBro] has enough cognitive wherewithal to use that as a coping skill in the moment without any carryover consequences. A lot of parents use martial arts classes for the same purpose. Sounds like a good idea."

As I've stated in multiple posts, my parents ROCK. As soon as I shared that email with my mom, she and dad went to the local ginormous sporting goods store. They talked to a sales guy, explaining what and who it was for. He suggested a 70 lb hanging heavy bag. He also warned about their developing bones and not to let them punch it with their bare hands.

This past weekend, mom & dad came and assembled the stand in my garage. Then my awesome neighbor Alex came over and hoisted the bag up so we could hang it on the hook.

The next day, mom took both boys to the afore mentioned sporting goods store and got them each a pair of boxing gloves in their size. Then she brought them home, got them on the computer and showed them a YouTube boxing tutorial video she had researched. BigBro watched the whole thing. Lil'Bro hopped around posing in his new gloves and didn't watch.

When the boys were ready to try out the new heavy bag, BigBro walked up and punched it exactly like the tutorial showed. He got his feet in the right position, shoulder down, jab jab PUNCH! It was pretty cool. Lil'Bro walked up and started flailing at it. So I slowed him down, had him step back and reminded him of his kung fu lessons. He paused and then huh huh PUNCH! Great form!

BigBro testing out some boxing moves:
Lil'Bro (with helmet!) trying out some kung fu moves:

So both boys are enjoying the heavy bag. And I have to admit, I took off my antique ring to have a few hits. My Ex asked if I've put any pictures on there yet to motivate me. Ha! I just may. I just may.

I feel like BigBro will have some options for anger outlets. He knows the main reason my parents got the bag is for his benefit. But I think our whole little family will benefit.

Wikkid Smaht Kids

Our elementary school gives out awards for grades, perfect attendance, and other types of good citizenship in a school environment. They give out dog tags. I think it's so cool.

The younger grades (K & 1st) always try to make sure each kid gets some kind of dog tag. So there's the birthday dog tag, the perfect attendance, school pride, good student, etc. The 5th graders are a little more sparse.

Lil'Bro got two: Birthday and I think something like Paw Pride.

BigBro got one: A/B Honor Roll.

Proving once again my boys are wikkid smaht and must have been switched at the hospital with the kids of some couple from MIT or Harvard. (hee hee)

The Birthday Lil'Bro - in Pictures

Pre-carnage. Ready for the unwrapping mayhem!
Mario action figure!
Lego Star Wars - General Grievous Starfighter.
Art supplies and table easel from Nana!
Bowling mayhem with his best buds. Complete with cool kung fu moves.
BigBro watching his pals (all the older siblings).
Lil'Bro trying a split. "Ooooooow! This huuuuuuuuurts!"
I love this shot of Lil'Bro riding the ball return.
The 4 Mustketeers. They've been together since preschool. That was almost 3 years ago!
The End

Happy Birthday, Lil'Bro!

Today is Lil'Bro's 7th birthday! Pix at 11:00.

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

Lil'Bro's bout with this stomach bug kind of blew out Halloween weekend for us. And the following week. He and I got better and things looked good.

Until last Wednesday. I thought I had avoided the full onslaught. Not so. I held down nothing. At all. The Ex drove me to the doc, bucket in hand. They gave me anti-nausea meds. I have been holding down small amounts of stuff here and there. I am, however, very sick of saltines, chicken broth, rice and bananas. I'm hungry but nothing sets well in my stomach.

Last night, BigBro came down with a low fever. I made a bed on the floor next to mine in preparation for the puke-fest to come. We prayed hard before bed. I have to admit, my faith wasn't at 100%. I was expecting a night of puke. We all slept through the night.
This morning, all 3 of us have low fevers. No puking. The boys ate a big breakfast. I ate toast & eggs. The bacon made my stomach turn.

I have an aunt & 2 cousins in town. I haven't seen them since...well...in decades. I can't go near them. This stomach bug is something that could really wipe out an elderly person like my aunt or my dad.

Not sure what to expect for Thanksgiving. I'm tired and yucky. My cheerleader-esque faith is a little battered. Not that I don't have faith in God. I'm just not praying with much expectation. Stupid me. But there it is.

Guh.

Ambitious Diet: Not a Good Thing

So here's a little tip from me to you:

If your kid doesn't eat for 2 days and has to be rehydrated in the ER and then feels amazingly better so wants to eat everything he can get his hands on? Yah, DON'T let him get his hands on mini-cheeseburgers.

Today, Lil'Bro made it about 1.5 hrs into the school day before yarfing all over his classroom carpet. I owe his teacher dinner. AFTER he's better.

Just sayin'.

A Halloween Eve Rehydration at the ER

Lil'Bro wasn't able to hold down ANYthing yesterday. Not water, not Pedialyte. They called in a scrip of anti-nausea meds. It helped him drink sips of water all night. But then he threw up again early this morning.

After a call to his doctor's office, we took him into the ER for fluids. Two and a half hours of fluids later, he was a new kid. I have read the symptoms of dehydration but never saw them all before. The lethargy was pretty palpable. Very weird to see your usually energetic 6 1/2 year old not respond to anything. He didn't want TV. He didn't want his DS. He didn't want to move.

We got home from the ER and he immediately fell asleep on the couch. For THREE hours. I got an hour of sleep in.

Oh yah, my BigSis and her TallGuy hubby drove 30 minutes up here to get BigBro. They took BigBro to our church Fall Festival. Another church friend will bring him home.

Yesterday, I put out a "help" email to the women at my church asking them to get the food for church. Two women immediately took up the task for me. One of our lead pastors will sing in my stead. A couple of people have offered to come pick up BigBro for church tomorrow. My mom just dropped off a bunch of bananas and some frozen dinners. Tons of my local pals have sent offers over Facebook asking if they can do anything for us. And they mean it. My distant pals also sent prayers and love through Facebook, emails and texts.

I have to tell you, when you ask God to surround you with good loving people? He totally comes through. I cannot thank God enough for all of the awesome friends and family he has surrounded us with.

And Lil'Bro woke up about 30 minutes ago. He has held down water, half a banana and a little cup of applesauce. He keeps talking about the mini cheeseburgers at a local burger joint. I have to think he's on the mend.

Thanks to all my loving friends and family.

For reference, here are two pictures.
Just having arrived at the ER
and 2.5 hrs later.

A Break in the Keck

Lil'Bro has the tummy bug that's going around. I probably do, too. But either it hasn't hit me fully or I'm tolerating it better.

So while Lil'Bro watches Scooby Doo on the couch with his bucket, I'll drop a note here.

BigBro is doing well. He's having anger issues. He has a lot of deep seeded anger toward his dad for leaving him for 3 years. The Ex has expected this. But it's still hard when it finally rears its head.

BigBro doesn't fully understand it. We're trying to get him to his therapist but money is very tight and a good therapist can be expensive. Ours is awesome. And he's reasonably priced for his skill but it's a stretch at the moment. Man I hate that.

Anyway, BigBro is overreacting to small things that make him angry. It's another volcano with a very thin cap.

I will retire to the couch with Lil'Bro now.

Growling And The Ex

Growling
BigBro has been making a strange noise a lot lately. I can't tell if it's a tic or he's just enjoying the sensation of it.

I can't describe it very well. The way I can do it is, if I close my mouth, breathe in through my nose and make my vocal chords vibrate on the intake. It's like an inhalation growl.

He does it now and then. I've noticed it every day for quite some time. Every now and then I'll say, "Hey, you're growling," or "Stop the growling." Not mean. Just kind of like you'd tell your kid to get their finger out of their nose in a matter-of-fact tone.

As we went to bed tonight, I followed him up the stairs and heard the growl. I said, "Hey, you're growling again." Lil'Bro asked why he does that. BigBro said he didn't know. I asked if it was tic-ish or if he just liked the feeling. He wasn't sure.

Lil'Bro asked what a tic was. I explained how Tourette's is a neurological disorder where the nerve signals get confused or crossed. Probably not exactly technical but it helps me to think of it this way. Lil'Bro wanted examples so I mentioned some. I tried not to list all of BigBro's manifestations - kind of hit all over the TS spectrum.

After a while, BigBro asked me to stop talking about the symptoms because it made him uncomfortable. He has told me in the past that he doesn't feel his TS until I mention it. Which I understand. But I also think it's important for his little brother to understand what TS is and how it might manifest. It's always good to have a built in advocate - even if he IS three and a half years younger than you!

So I told BigBro that I'm just explaining it to Lil'Bro and there's no need to feel like I was listing everything on HIS list of TS symptoms. He eventually joined in the explaining. Which was cool. I certainly don't want it to be a hush-hush taboo subject.

I understand how discussing TS can make BigBro suddenly very aware of lurking feelings. But I also know he can own those feelings, talk about it and be ok.

And The Ex
And on a totally separate subject, The Ex has been living nearby for just over a month now. I cannot tell you how spoiled I feel with the extra help he is giving with the boys.

But here is one weird little observation:

When I was doing this all alone - forced to do it - I did it. I mean, yah, I had days where I felt overwhelmed. Especially in the beginning. But by this third year? Our routine was in the can. I just did it. Not spectacularly, mind you. But we were all alive, relatively clean, fed and clothed.

On my own, if dishes needed doing? I did them. If laundry piled up, I tackled it (eventually). If errands backed up, I got 'em done. I could do all the shopping, unload the car and put it all away. Hey, who else is gonna do it, right?

Well, now I have a co-parent nearby. Within walking distance. He's been stepping up and helping. Suddenly, I can remember being one of a couple. Suddenly I remember how impossible it felt that I could have done the shopping and now I had to unload the WHOLE car all by myself! AND I had to put the stuff away, too?! Suddenly, one person couldn't possibly do any of the chores that needed doing - not alone!

Being part of a couple gave me this fragile-flower mentality. I see it all the time with couple friends of mine. The trash is overflowing but my friend won't touch it. That's his job. The dog can be scratching at the door, starving, but another friend won't get the food from the bag 5 feet away because that's her job. I mean, really?

But yah. Really. I was the same way. I remember thinking I would never be able to do it all by myself. And there are those that would look around my house and argue I am NOT doing it all by myself. (And I would agree.)

But let me tell you, my dainty-fragile-flower mentality? Feh! Because on my good days? (And lately, these outnumber my bad days by far) I can get up, get the school prep done, dress the kids, help Lil'Bro brush his teeth while hounding BigBro not to get distracted. I can get them to school and get to work and then kick ass to get back in time to pick them up from after-school-care. I can drag them home and whip them into homework-mode. I can make a dinner (and by "make", I don't mean Donna Reed's version of "make" - but they're alive and thriving so...), clean up the mess and put away the leftovers. I can do the grocery shopping, unload the whole car and put it all way - alone. I can run the errands. I can balance [air quotes] the budget and make all the payments. I can plan, pay for and execute all the parties. I can buy the clothes, shoes, school supplies. I can somehow squeeze 2 extra hours out of my...um...busy schedule for a birthday party for every kid my boys know. I can periodically dust (at least once a decade), vacuum (much more frequently), scrub, wipe, and scour the house. I can do ridiculous amounts of laundry. I can post meaningless jibber jabber on Facebook and blogs. I can make it to church on time with both boys in tow, contribute to the ministries there (including 'Comic Relief' and 'Official Wisecracker'), sing my brains out and get back home. I can do it. I don't need to half-ass it and whine that my partner should be doing such and such and if only he'd be doing THIS part, I'd be able to do THAT part better and all that horse hockey I used to think.

And this isn't judgment. These are all observations about my formerly whiny, selfish SELF.

When I became a single parent, I talked to God and said, "You're going to have to help me here. There is NO way I can do this on my own!" There really wasn't. It's not a one-person job.

Thankfully, my partner is the Creator of All Things. He still makes me unload the whole car and put the groceries away. But not alone.

Amazing Brothers

Yesterday, the boys were supposed to go to the 7th birthday party of a best pal of Lil'Bro. One of the 4 Musketeers, Lil'McV. They've both been pumped all week for this.

Just before lunch, the school called me. Lil'Bro was in the nurse's office with a low fever complaining of tummy yuck. I called The Ex and he ran to pick him up.

When I picked up BigBro from after school care, I gave him the option to still go. We got home and took Lil'Bro's temp. The fever persisted so we had to call the McVs to say, sorry, Lil'Bro couldn't go. Oh he was SO upset. He understood about contagion. He understood he needed to be a responsible sick person. But on MAN, this was a hard one.

As Lil'Bro sat silently crying on the couch, BigBro told him, "If you don't want me to go, I'll stay here with you." Lil'Bro didn't reply. He was too upset. BigBro told me, "I'll stay here with [Lil'Bro]."

Do I love my boys? Durn TOOT'N'!

First Day O' School - 2010

Today was the boys' first day of school. BigBro is in 5th grade and LilBro is in 1st. Didn't I just have them? Apparently, I better stop blaming post-partum baby-weight as the reason for my girth. Dang.

I spent yesterday fighting a migraine. So last night, I felt yucky and lazy and didn't want to cook. That latter part is nothing new. I just usually feel peppy and lazy and don't want to cook. But anyway, we went to the local pizza buffet. I had salad and pizza. The boys had pizza. It was yummy, cheap and fun.

Three hours later, it was unfun for me. Mom and I assume it was bad lettuce in the salad bar. I have no clue. I spent a good part of the evening in bed or on the terlit. Aren'tchya glad I shared?

The boys were too excited about school starting the next day. So I had frequent visits of "I can't get to sleep!"

I awoke feeling like punk this morning. Exhausted and unpeppy. It's a good thing we packed their lunches and backpacks the night before. Because I was off my game. Which is also why I don't have a gazillion photos. Dang it.

We drove to school knowing that the 1st day is when everyone else and their brother drives to school. No matter how many emails and letters the school send with instructions on where NOT to park, everyone parks there. So the streets surrounding the school became a tightly packed series of one-way streets. So we all ended up playing chicken to see who would win and get in or out of the school. I wish the school would hire me and a hand-picked group of parking nazis for that first day. I swear, you'd have a clear zone around that school where cars and buses could get in and out! But alas. They did not have me nor my minions.

We got out of the car and I had enough sense to snap this picture with my Blackberry. After burning the boys' retinas out by making them face the morning sun, we went to class. Both boys are very happy with their teachers. LilBro's 1st grade teacher was BigBro's 4th grade teacher last year. We ADORE her and were very happy to see her. BigBro's teacher is awesome. I'm told she is high energy and has extremely creative teaching plans. She is TAG (talented & gifted) certified so knows how to deal with those off-beat TAG kids that think outside the box. Outside the whole store, often times.

I love our school. I love knowing my boys are safe and surrounded by staff that actually care. One of my best friends works there as a teacher's aide so I know they have an on-the-spot emergency contact right there.

Last Friday night was Meet The Teachers night. I had the sense to bring my camera that night knowing the first day of school would be controlled mayhem. So I give you these two shots of the boys' teachers:

The Wonderful Ms. H and LilBro:

BigBro and The Fantastic Ms. F

Lil'Bro And His Fear Box

I'll try to make this quick as I'm supposed to hit the hay. I've been sick with allergy-induced asthma and all sorts of phlegmy goodness for about a week now. Getting better. But shouldn't stay up blogging.

And yet...

Had to share this gem with you.

Lil'Bro is 6. It's around this age that many kids start wrestling with fear. Pokemon Boy went through a real battle with this that was exacerbated by his anxiety disorder. Lil'Bro seems to be pretty much on par for his age.

He's becoming more aware of the world. He hangs with older kids more than PB did at this age. Simply because he is included in PB's world. He's also more saturated in a peer group at this age than PB was. So he hears all sorts of stuff from other kids of all ages.

One kid on the bus informs him that curses (like in movies) are REAL and can kill you. This same kid tells him days later that there are these certain words that, if you say them? They'll kill you! This kid needs to stop watching horror movies.

Another child regales the after school class with stories of parasites: what they are, what they can do to you (always the worst case scenarios, mind you). She informs everyone on bed-bugs later in the week. She's probably just reciting snippets from her recent viewing of something in Discovery.

Then there are the real worries of little kids like, what if something happens to mom? What if so and so dies? What if lava erupts under our house? What if a tornado hits us?

I don't want my kids to live in fear. I held on to lots of fears as a kid. I had a particular fear of "bad guys". And I'm talking stereotypical cat-burglar types, all in black with the black ski-masks, etc? Oh yah. I would have waking dreams where they'd be standing in my room with a ravenous barking dog. I'd be convinced they were outside my house, holding a single match to the corner of the house to burn my house down. Because I'm sure that's how arson is done. I was terrified of hurricanes and tornadoes. Earthquakes and volcanoes. At one point, I was terrified of the Bermuda Triangle. This, while I lived in New England.

So I get fear. And I get how it can stick to you. My mom told me she never knew to teach us kids how to pray against it. It never occurred to her.

In 2005, my small group specifically targeted fear with in-depth prayer. It was amazing. And when God broke the grip of the paralyzing fear in my life at that time, it really did feel like freedom. Oh don't get me wrong. I still wrestle with fear. Real and imagined. I don't watch the news because of how it affects my boys. But also because it's too easy to buy into the media's biased frenzy. And there are still nights when I leap onto my bed, careful not to let my feet dangle over the edge . . . just in case there's someone or something under my bed.

But now I know how to battle it. God is a God of peace. The prince of stupidity is the author of fear. And he's darn good at it. But he still can't stand against earnest prayers in Jesus' name. Nope.

So, yah. Back to the subject (my hope of brevity once again shattered by my vomitous verbosity).

I've been arming my boys for years by teaching them to pray. I've shown them God doesn't care about fancy words. There's no secret formula to "praying the right way." You just tell him what's going on. You tell him what's wrong or what you're happy about. So I tell them to tell God what's scaring them - just like they'd tell me.

Well, praying against the fear wasn't really working all that well for Lil'Bro. It's one thing to ask for it. It's another to believe it. And it's a whole other kettle of fish to receive it. Especially when you're 6.

I'm pretty sure it was my Boston small group that taught me this visualization. I would package up a problem. Wrap it up in my mind. I usually visualized wrapping it tight in brown paper and lots of packing tape. And I would give it to God. Sometimes I would lay it at the foot of The Cross, asking God to take it from me. Or I'd say I'm releasing it to you, please take it from me.

So with Lil'Bro, I told him that we're gonna box up all our fears and ask God to take them. So we do this thing. We close our eyes and hold out our hands like we're holding the sides of a box. Then I say, "God, we're putting all these fears in this box," [miming putting things in our box]. "We need help because we just can't conquer these fears all by ourselves. But we know you can. So we're putting a lid on this box," [miming the lid] "and we're releasing them to you," [miming handing it out to God]. "So God, we release these fears to you and ask you to take care of them. Because we know you're big enough to handle it for us." That's the general gist of it.

So the other night, we're doing this. And after we released the fear box to God, Lil'Bro said something like, "Let's ask God to give the box back to us filled with [mumble mumble]..." I said, "What?" because it sounded like he said something like toys. And I thought, oh boy, he's getting the wrong idea. He mumbled it again and I said, "Toys?" He goes, "No mom. Let's ask God to return the box to us filled with JOY." Oh my goodness! And here I was thinking he might not be getting the idea. I nearly hugged his head off. "Of course! Yes! Let's ask God to return it to us filled with joy!!" I had him pray that part. Which he did swimmingly. I have no doubt God did so with a big huge smile on his face.

An Update For The Clamoring Masses

Apparently, my fans are upset that I haven't been blogging. And by "fans", I mean my good friend Kristen. But when my "fans" speak, I act. So Kristen, my wonderful friend? This post is for you.

An update on Pokemon Boy finds him well, sassy and tic-free. Or at least, if he has any, I'm not noticing them. I kind of feel weird if the Tourette's thing comes up in conversations. When you say, "My son has Tourette's," the reaction is usually much more severe than his illness calls for. Which is really freakin' wonderful, from where I stand. I mean, yah, you don't notice he has Tourette's? Rock on, God! But sometimes, the conversation arises and that statement must be made.

I have made an attempt to not mention it when he's in ear shot. He has told me that, when I mention it, that's when he feels like he needs to tic. He feels that urge. That itch. So, if I don't keep bringing it up, he seems happy enough to ignore whatever urges or itches the TS causes.

The one tic that has never quite gone away is that Spidey-hands thing. No matter what he's doing, if his hands aren't actively engaged in something, his fingers are moving. I wish I could video tape it and post it here. It's not a wildly flailing or conscious wiggling of the fingers. Like I said all those years ago, the only other time I've seen hand/finger movements like this are with severely autistic and mentally retarded adults when I was a teaching student in college. It seems to be one of those physical repetitive movement things that soothes or calms. Pokemon Boy never seems to notice he's doing it. I notice it when I try to hold his hand and his fingers are moving. I notice when he's playing his Nintendo DS and has to balance it on a knee to free a hand for the Spidey-hands thing. It's very minor. It's extremely benign. And if that is how his body is releasing the need to satisfy that TS tic? Go for it.

In other PB news, his stressing over his advanced placement math class seem to be gone. I really wasn't sure if he'd stick it out. Going from coasting through classes with barely an effort to suddenly having to think and work hard - that's a blow to a comfort hound like PB. We worked at it every day. He complained. I encouraged. There were days when the stress was so overwhelming for him, I wanted to just pull him. But then one day, a few months ago, I remember suddenly realizing we hadn't had any issues with it in a long time.

He doesn't come home with all 100s or all As like he used to. That was hard for him at first. His first B nearly undid him. And it wasn't a competitive anger. He was horrified at the thought that I'd be disappointed. I told him that As, Bs and Cs are completely ok in my world. We endured weeks of conversations full of what-ifs. What would I do if he came home with a C minus? What if he had a D? What if he got an F? I have reassured him over and over that, no matter what happens, if it seems like he's taken a dip in grades, we'd sit down and talk about it to figure out why. I have no idea where this constant worry about punishment comes from. I have to tell you, it baffles me. I come down hard on things like hitting or being mean or . . . I can't even think of anything. But I have NEVER ever said anything about a low grade. I've talked about them. But never punished. So I'm not really sure where this worry comes from.

Over this school year, however, I think he's finally learned that grades are just grades in our house. If they're top notch? Awesome! If they're anywhere under that and are passing? Awesome! I want my kids to have a normal childhood. I don't want them stressed because they haven't mastered differential equations in 4th grade.

I'm thrilled pickles over PB's grades. He has had everything from 100s to something in the mid 60s. The first few horrid grades came within a few months of each other. I think it was the beginning of this school year. His lack of focus meant he forgot everything. He'd leave assignments at school. He'd forget finished homework at home. At first, I'd try to call the teacher or hunt down assignments so he could turn them in on time. I'd drive homework to school for him. Wrong approach for this kid. I finally told him, you have to start remembering. We came up with routines and lists. His teachers worked with me on it. We tried everything. He kept leaving stuff.

Finally, I said, ok. From now on, it's up to you to remember your assignments. To bring them home, to do them and to get them back to your teacher. When you don't? You'll get zeros and you'll have to deal with what that does to your grade. It was hard to watch him get some really crappy grades - knowing full well he'd probably have an A+ average if I had just hounded him. So he went from getting the All A Honor Roll to the A/B Honor Roll. Yah, I know. My life's hard. But for a little kid with an anxiety disorder? This was a huge blow.

So it took a while for him to see that the bad grades were his consequences. I didn't give out any more punishments because of the bad grades. After a shaky few weeks of this, he finally started understanding the cause and effect of leaving assignments at school or homework at home. I'm totally proud to say he has hit the A/B Honor Roll every grading period this year. And he's finally ok with that.

Now, having said all that, let me update you on Lil'Bro.

Lil'Bro is doing awesome. But he's been a bit frustrated with a few things lately. Namely, any time he perceives that he could be doing better at something, he gets frustrated.

For example: Reading. Lil'Bro has no idea that PB was reading little words at the age of two and was reading a kinder reader at age 3. I will make sure that little bit of trivia eludes him as long as I can. Lil'Bro is in kindergarten. And in kindergarten, those huge differences between kids abilities are glaringly evident. All those over achieving kids for varying reasons (only kid, first kid, competitive overachieving parents, true genius, whatever) can make the average right-on-track kids feel like they're behind. I had just assumed Lil'Bro was happy with his progress and didn't really ask him about it.

So the other day, we're watching TV and that "Your Baby Can Read" commercial comes on. Don't get me started. I can write an entire series of blog posts on that kind of early education. But as a service to humanity, I won't. Anyway, he watches that and sees these babies reading. He turns to me and asks, "Why didn't you get that for ME?!" I was like...what? I said, "Honey, you weren't interested in letters or things like that. You were interested in crawling, walking, climbing and running." He flatly stated that I should have gotten that for him and resumed watching TV. That exact conversation due to that exact commercial has happened about 4 times now. Gah.

He has also been frustrated with the fact that he isn't Tony Hawk on his skateboard. He's upset that he can't ride a bike yet. The bike thing is all me. We rarely have the time and I rarely have the back muscles. I need to rent a dad to come teach both boys how to ride their bikes.

Anyway, as my mom pointed out, it's awesome that Lil'Bro wants to excel. I think I have sold him short for many years. I saw PB as the cerebral one. I saw Lil'Bro as the physical one. I remember joking years ago that PB would be the NASA scientist and Lil'Bro would be a famous stunt man. As it turns out, Lil'Bro is a budding engineer. He wants to know how everything works. He builds and takes apart. He loves books on how things work. He loves TV shows on everything from Pluto (which is still a planet in THIS house, thank you) to dinosaurs to robots to space to the Bermuda Triangle (although that last one scared him this evening). The kid is bright. Extremely bright. I probably would have picked up on that much earlier had I not been so engrossed in his older brother's combination of Tourette's and genius.

Ah well, I will never win Mother Of The Year except in the eyes of my boys.

I was informed by PB this evening, as I put both boys to bed, that I am the best mom a boy could ever hope for. Or something to that effect. I think I was leaning on the bathroom doorway, waiting for Lil'Bro to finish up and had just let out a big tired sigh. Does PB have timing or what!

Briefosity (If That's Possible)

I don't have much profundity. Nothing to expound upon. So here are some sound bites running through my head:

JOB:
I still love my job with no end to the honey moon in site. It took Big Ol' Financial Corp about 16 years to kill the love. I'd say that bodes pretty well for me.

KIDS:
Pokemon Boy is doing well. No tics in sight. His anxiety over his advanced math class seems to be gone. Pretty normal school days now. Lil'Bro is right on track. He's starting to read little books to me. They've both adjusted to the schedule forced upon us by my new out-of-the-house job. Pokemon Boy has recently told me on two separate occasions that he's glad I'm raising him. Not sure where that is coming from but I'll take it!

FAMILY:
We've had some big scares with aunts and uncles. I'm "of a certain age" now where the generation before me has big scary medical things. I won't go in to details here as I think it's pretty private stuff. But lots of loved ones are on my prayer list for health issues.

LOCAL:
A very sad and broken man flew a single engine plane into a 7 story corporate building in Austin a week ago today. It was 10am which means all the businesses were in full swing. Somehow, only one person - aside from the pilot - was killed. That's one person too many. But let's be honest - it's a complete and utter miracle that it wasn't a blood bath. Lots of stories like my good friend's step-dad. He should have been in that building. But he randomly stopped for a haircut that morning. A sad and (in my humble opinion) disgusting note is that some skeevy lawyer for the widow of the one victim is suing the wife of the dead pilot. Some ridiculous nonsense about how she should have known and warned authorities. Unless he told her his plans and she didn't act? I don't know what person in this world would EVER think their spouse - no matter how disturbed - could do something like this. I may have a very uninformed limited view. But this lawyer needs to really step out of himself and watch his press release. He needs to see it like the rest of us do. It's disgusting and I hope the judge tosses it out the window. The lawyer with it.

OLYMPICS:
Oh my GOODness, I love the Olympics. I'm so sad for the family of the guy that died on his last practice run on the luge. That was horrific. But I am SO angry at NBC. The night of the opening ceremony, I tuned in early for all the pre-glitz stuff. With my 9 and 6 yr olds watching, they open by showing the video of the poor kid flying off the luge track, hitting the pole and basically dying right there. I watched thinking, "They can't be showing this!" At 6:30pm central, no less. Lil'Bro watched, froze, and said, "Did he just die?" Are you kidding me?!!! Did anyone at NBC consider the emotional impact to their viewers? Did they consider his family's wishes? The Olympic broadcast later made a point of stating they would NOT show the video. But NBC had already done it. And I'd like to shake the snot out of whomever thought that was a good choice for dinner time viewing. Brainless gits.

But aside from the brainless gits, how MUCH do I love curling? And how MUCH do I love speed skating? While curling is completely cerebral and relaxing with only moments of tension as I watch the stone slowly make its way down the ice, speed skating is really keeping my blood pressure at deadly levels! Oh my goodness! As soon as they start, my fists are up under my chin and my head is going further and further back. I can barely breathe until they're done!

I will be happy to watch Heroes again once the Olympics are done. I miss my Peter Petrelli.

A Blitzkrieg Christmas Update

Sorry for the lack of posting. For the two of you actually reading this, that is.

The job continues to rock. I go in every day, driving down the highway saying, "Thank you for such an awesome job, God!" The people continue to be nothing but awesome. I have no illusions that they're perfect. But they rock and that's evident. So I continue training, reading, starting out some documentation. It's all good.

So after one whole week of work (and only 40 hours, mind you!), I got a 2-day work week for Christmas! Same thing for New Year's week. Only two days. I was joking with my new coworkers going, "Whew! I really NEED a vacation!"

We had Lil'Bro's big birthday party on the Friday before Christmas. We had a great turnout and he had a blast. The next day, most people were leaving or prepping for Christmas so I think we lucked out picking Friday.

Because of my new job in the city, I knew I'd never get up home in time to get the boys to the party in time. So mom picked up the cake and brought that (and the gift bags) to the party place. Then my awesome friend TJ (the one that was recently in the hospital with that scary lung infection) picked up the boys and took them to the party. I got there just in time and everything went perfectly! Thank goodness for awesome family & friends!

I've had a tummy bug all Christmas week. I never yarfed. But felt like it. It's like constant car sickness - I'm hungry but everything I look at makes me nauseated.

My awesome mom watched my boys on Mon & Tue while I worked. On Monday, Pokemon Boy ended the day hurking. He spent that night at my mom's house getting up to yarf about 5 times. Then on Tuesday, mom was driving dad to a doctor's appointment - boys in tow. Lil'Bro announced he didn't feel well and christened the back of mom's minivan. Man, talk about un-fun. She dropped dad off and took the boys home to clean them and the minivan up. Poor mom! She called my awesome neighbor, MissK, and asked her to pick dad up at the doctor. And if I haven't mentioned it before, my neighbors ROCK. She drove over and picked up my dad - no problem. Later, I thanked her and she said, "Hey, that's what we do, right? We help each other." Right on, MissK. Right on.

On the way home from Grandma's, Lil'Bro decided to wear his bucket like this:
Prompting Pokemon Boy to wear his similarly:
Both of the boys and I have been nauseated off and on the whole week. We have moments where we eat normal and then feel like punk. We went to church for Christmas Eve candle light service. I told the boys not to touch babies and to wash their hands all the time. We didn't eat much but loved the service and fellowship of our awesome church family.

Stockings and Santa gifts all set for the next morning.

We were functional enough to have Christmas. That was awesome. But during the present opening, my sinus headache turned to migraine. I caught it with meds just in time, I guess. I napped for 2 hrs while mom again watched the boys. It stayed at a dull roar for the rest of the day until about 8pm. Good times. But like I said - I was functional. Not very. But it could have been WAY worse.

The boys opening their stockings.

Mom & dad avoided the tummy bug (thank you, God!) but mom developed a sinus infection that really knocked her out. So we were all almost on empty.

Today, the boys and I went to use some of their Christmas money and/or gift cards. Then grocery shopping. When we got home, the boys played outside for a while. Now, we're all kind of low and void of color. It will pass. We're just low. Not miserable.

But even with all the pseudo-sick, we had a very relaxed and stress-free Christmas.

Oh - and I'm sick of being nauseated. So I have broken down and taken the advice of my aunt Brenda. My mom's two sisters and their kids swear by the remedy of cider vinegar for tummy bugs. When she first told me to try it, even ice water made me want to puke. So I didn't try it. But today I was tired of this. So I called her and said, "Ok...exactly what do I do?" So while my aunt played Wii, she told me to take a tablespoon of cider vinegar, mix it with a little water and swig it down. Which I did. Not as awful as I expected. I don't know if it's doing anything yet. We'll see. I'm still bloated from who knows what. It seems that any sugar/carb based anything seems to feed whatever bug this is and I bloat painfully. So I sit here typing this with a distended belly.

Ok, I'm off to watch more cartoons with my boys and then get them to bed. I still have to prep the watermelon and cantaloupe for church tomorrow.

Smooches, y'all.