Broken but Not Beaten

This blog has been an outlet for my fears about my son's Tourette's.  It has been an outlet when I went through my divorce back in 2007.  It helped me navigate the severe depression after the divorce.  I have made some amazing blogger chicks from Canada to New Zealand.  So I feel it only fitting to share my current broken state.  And that of TheBoy and LilBro, too.

A month after the wedding of the decade, I discovered that things were not as wonderful as they seemed.  I convinced myself I was paranoid from my previous experience in 2007.  I can't bring myself to go into details here.  But the reconciliation, dating, and wedding were all done within huge lies.  A fun little kicker is I found this out after finally trusting my gut and digging - all the while feeling like I was being a bad wife by digging.  Four days after having legally changed my last name.  Good times.

So, while I am still technically married in the eyes of the state in which I live, my "husband" lives with friends.  TheMan, TheBoy, LilBro and I are all in therapy.  I am watching TheBoy spiral dangerously in depression.  He and I have gotten help both emotionally and medicinally.  But at his age (14) you heap all the normal confusion of being teen with a major family trauma and potential RE-divorce of his parents...it's bad.  His anxiety attacks that had been gone for years have undone him enough to miss a lot of school.  LilBro's anxiety manifests in a much less obvious way.  His teacher informed me that it's off the charts in the form of obsessing over time and schedules.  But he's keeping his grades up and is pretty happy over all.  He's 10.  He's still hoping dad will come back home.

Here is one reason I'm sharing this even though I haven't shared this with all friends and family yet.  If you for one second think that God had a hand in this horror show, stop right now.  If you feel any anger toward God for "letting this happen" to me?  Don't.

There has not been ONE SECOND where I've thought God did this or wondered why he let this happen to me.  I will tell you what I've told other friends and family members.

First and foremost - no matter what hell on earth may happen?  GOD IS ON HIS THRONE.  Don't think for one second that some disaster or evil proves otherwise.

Second - God had no hand in the lies and betrayal perpetrated by TheMan and another "friend" of ours.  That was all the enemy.  The prince of stupidity.  Satan, the devil whatever you want to name him.  He saw the bright beacon our family was for God and he threw something irresistible in front of the weakest member.  Not my kids.  No, he went for the new believer: TheMan.  It's what he does when he's scared that something is about to Shine for God.  He knew TheMan still had major broken wounds and he played to those.

Third - God will always lay out amazingly perfect plans for each of us.  And then each of us uses the free will God gave us to walk the path he laid for us, to walk kind of NEXT to it, to walk away from it, or to reject it altogether.  That is US, man.  We all do it.  I did it for years.  I walked close enough to God's path to fool myself that I was ok because, hey, I could still SEE it!  Granted, I had to look to the side to see it.  But still!  I could see it.  No, God always plans goodness for each of us.  And some of us don't trust it because, you know, God can't be THAT nice, right?  And some of us are broken and scarred from previous attempts by the enemy to destroy us and keep us walled off from God.  So we can't see the path.  Or we don't want to see it because some church or "Christian" or "God person" totally screwed us over way back when.  Or because something horrible was done to us that we can't even speak about.  I get it.  But it's still usually my choice...my free will.

So TheMan was given a beautiful path of redemption, forgiveness, grace, and trust.  By hundreds of people.  My whole family welcomed him back.  Some had to work harder at it than others.  But we welcomed him back.  Our church is a church full of imperfect broken people that never throws stones.  They loved our story of screwing up a marriage and fixing it.  And many of them came to what I now know was really just a theatrical sham of a "wedding."

TheMan was given an amazing gift from many people.  But the enemy kept reminding him of his previous failure.  Made sure he couldn't fully shake the shame and guilt from his actions in 2007-2010.  So his actions were all tainted by shame.  And anything you build in reaction to shame and guilt - no matter how much you want it to be true - it will come crashing down around you.  And it will DESTROY anyone close to you.

The fourth thing I will say to anyone who thinks that TheMan is hellbound: don't even go there.  TheMan is straight with God.  This I know.  His turn toward and acceptance of God/Jesus was and is real.  I know he talks to God all the time.  And I know he has talked to God about how wrong he was this time.  And last time.  So I know he's good with The Father.  This is EXACTLY what Jesus did on the cross, man.  This is why he died.  For all of us stupid selfish people that can't hold to a vow or remember a promise or think about anyone except our own wants.  For some reason, Jesus thought we were WORTH that.  And while we humans assign levels of evil to each wrong we do here on earth?  That's a human thing.  That's not a God thing.  If you have to turn away from God to do something, you've had to turn away from God to do that thing.  It all hurts God the same.  Whether you think that or not.  Doing wrong is doing something you BELIEVE is wrong.  So if you think disrespecting your husband in public is wrong and you still do it?  You're missing the mark just as bad as TheMan lying to and betraying me and his boys.  So if you're ok with being friends with abusive drunks and compulsive liars but you're not ok hanging out with TheMan because of what he did?  You're doing it wrong.

Don't get me wrong.  I am PISSED.  This is the SECOND time for me.  Having to use terms like "The first time this happened..." or "THIS time..." constantly undoes me and boils my BUTT.  Knowing that I have to find forgiveness for him?  That's hard, too.  Yah, I know the right thing to do.  But man, to have to do that AGAIN?  Now I get that passage where Jesus tells the disciples they have to not just forgive someone seven times but SEVENTY times seven times.  And I've done the math.  I'm struggling with the SECOND time.  So I doubt I'll pass the test all the way up to 490 times.  It's not fair that my boys and I got destroyed a second time.  It's not fair that I walked through a fake wedding - not knowing - smiling and feeling so elated at the culmination of God's miracle!

But I will get over the anger.  Just not right now.  And I will forgive him.  That part has already started.  But the clever prince of poo loves to just pop images of what he did into my head every time I start feeling kind and forgiving.  So yah.  I have a lot of work to do with God.  He has a HUGE miracle to pull off by putting REAL forgiveness in my heart.  And man, TheBoy?  He wants NOTHING to do with his father right now.  And LilBro feels torn and guilty because he wants to see and be with his dad but sees how angry TheBoy is.

I share this not to say "Hey look at how God's miracle was a lie!"  I share this to say God really did orchestrate reconciliation and forgiveness.  And TheMan turned it into a lie.  Not God.  But Jesus took care of this all on the cross.  TheMan just has to deal with us imperfect and enraged humans for a while.  I'm not excusing my anger and rage.  But I'm also not making myself feel bad for it.

So if you're a praying person, cover me and the boys.  If you're awesome enough, cover TheMan.  He has a hell of a mountain of therapy to conquer.  And believe it or not, I want this to end with us still married and actually HEALED and loving.  I am very painfully aware that ending may not be a reality.  I can cope with that.  It is undoing my boys, however.

I will say that TheBoy has shown no tics.  The anxiety attacks suck.  They derail him and make him feel despondent.  Watching him go from bright shining kid to this sad depressed teen...it kills me.  And really adds to my anger.

God can pull us all through this.  It's walking through the fire that sucks.  Even knowing God will get me through it.  The mire is awful at the moment.

Pissed and Praying,
Tourette's Mom

Long Time Gone

I haven't written here in over a year. That's kind of sad and kind of wonderful. I started this blog to write about our journey with Tourette's. That was derailed by me using this blog as an outlet as I struggled through my divorce and becoming a very shaky single mom.

So the sadness is, I used to write here every day. Then weekly, monthly, never. I miss the community a few of us built here.

The wonderful is, I needed this to work out fears and experiences with Tourette's that I just new would increase and rule my life. It has disappeared and is only in my life when it comes from external sources. I needed this to work through heart break, incredible emotional pain and deep deep depression. You all were my social checkpoint. I had trouble feeling like relating in person. Now, some of you are still connected to me on Facebook, through email (remember email?!), or in real life. And the divorce...well there's a story for you.

Let's catch up a bit.

In 2010, I think I mentioned The Ex moved back from Boston. While happy for my boys, I certainly didn't need someone messing up my routine or trying to insert himself into my parenting. It wasn't an easy adjustment. Having him 3000 miles away gave me a huge buffer zone. I didn't have to deal with him. Suddenly, BOOM! I had to deal with him. And all the memories and anger and resentment that came with that.

I have ridden the roller coaster of TotallyOverIt or HellHathNoFury. It has slowly gone from insane highs and lows to more even keeled. The Ex and I started getting along well and hanging out a lot.

2011 & 2012, more of the same. I worked. I did the mom thing. The Ex helped out quite a lot. And I tell yah, after 3 yrs of asking for help from my awesome mom or amazing neighbors or rockin' church family, it was good to have help from the person that SHOULD help.

My awesome church had a huge transition. After our head pastors moved to CA, we steadily began losing members. Small to begin with, it didn't take much to take the wind out of our sails. We got a church adviser that helped the remaining small group of families really take personal inventory and step up to the plate. It was a year of huge growth. And growth always comes with pain. But the growth was the main thing.

The Ex became our regular worship drummer. He also became a full believer! Something I prayed for for decades, never thinking I'd get to witness it. I stayed out of it because he wasn't my husband, we had too much history that involved religious differences. I wanted this all to be between him, God and whomever God sent to minister to him. And boy did God rock this! When God shows up for you personally? It's pretty difficult to discount him. But watching him seek God, question everything but with sincerity, not belligerence, watching him have real experience with the Presence of God...THAT was an honor.

We have found another amazing church. And this one, we both chose. The old church had been him coming into MY territory. As accepted as he was, it still had that feel for us. This church is OUR church. Which is very cool. He's on the worship team again. I'm serving all over the place. Currently, I am gearing up to facilitate another Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class. I'm helping with the food service. I'm helping with greeting, recycling, anything they need.

And I'm dating. After over 6 years of friends and family, I've just recently had about 4 dates with the same dude in about 2 weeks. And it's pretty cool.

A few people know who it is. The rest don't really need to know. He's private and I sure don't want to muck it up.

BigBro and LittleBro are doing amazingly well. BigBro will be 13 this summer. His Tourette's is gone and he is a huge testament to God's healing and grace. We prayed for total healing and left room in our minds for the possibility of God leaving it for some other purpose. But it's gone. BigBro's prayers have been so sincere and lacking the doubt and walls us adults bring to prayer. I think God gave him an early testimony. So I will always listen to and work with my doctors. But a human diagnosis will never have the last word for us. I leave that to God.

LilBro just turned 9. He is just as intelligent as his older brother but not as flashy. He is doing so well in school. His teachers over the last few years have recognized that he had some leadership qualities behind that shy little exterior. This year, he has been given some really great leadership tasks by his teacher. He rose to the occasion each time. He powered through the fear and did it. His confidence has soared.

So much has happened since my last posting in Nov 2011. Most of it incidental in this context. But if seeing my ex accept God/Jesus his life and heart is all I ever get? I'm totally ok with that!

I'll catch you up on other stuff soon. And I'll see if I can convince LilBro to let me post his current picture here. He is old enough where he gets to approve or veto any pic I post of him!