It Came Without Warning

*The following post will have strange punctuation interspersed in certain words to avoid getting sicko hits from search engines. Enjoy my attempt at subterfuge.*

Dude. Seriously. I think they should schedule time for The Talk. Like, as soon as the kid is born, you get a schedule. It has things like, "Will walk for first time," and "Will utter first intelligible word," so you can plan and be ready for some of the bigger ones. But you know, like around the age of...oh...10 or 12 or 47, you can schedule The Talk. So you can plan for it. So you can have some rehearsed sound bites that don't include, "Well...uh...um...I uh...heh heh..." like some giggling 8th grader telling his little brother The Facts.

I don't even know how it happened. I didn't even see it coming. I'm sitting here wondering how it even came about. I can't remember the sequence of conversation that precipitated The Talk. But I was sitting here at the computer, having just gone to the website of my son's future school. Lil' Bro was on the guest bed in my office, being a ghost under the blue floral sheets. And next to the Blue Floral Ghost was Pokemon Boy, hanging over the edge of the bed, upside down, feet in the air, chatting away. I believe the boys were discussing the possibilities of Lil' Bro marrying Pokemon Boy's future principal, having seen her picture on the website and uttering "Ooooohhhh...priddy!"

Oh wait...now it's all coming back. So Lil' Bro starts saying how he's going to marry Pokemon Boy's future principal. Pokemon Boy wisely points out the disparate age difference. Lil' Bro is undeterred. Pokemon Boy says, "Besides, she has a husband." "She does?" I ask. "Well, she has a job. Everyone who has a job is married." Very interesting information, this. Apparently, as soon as my divorce is finalized, I will lose my job. They continue on with their debate. I'm pretty sure that Lil' Bro is still pretty set on marrying the future principal. Because, according to his four year old logic, he will be RICH. I didn't turn to look, but the way that he said "rich" makes me think he was rubbing his hands together and making a very "mwah ha ha ha" face. Pokemon Boy said, "You'll be rich?" Lil' Bro explained, "Well, if I marry her, I will get money from her and I will be rich!" [I am thinking that my future ex had a very similar conversation with some of his friends way back in 1996. But I digress.]

But in pointing out that not all working people have to be married, somehow that got Pokemon Boy on the subject of, "Well, you have to be married to have kids." Yes, well, you'd like to think so. And being the oh so open and honest mom that I am, I opened this topic for further discussion. Because I'm also oh so stupid. Did I mention that? So I explained that not all people that have kids are married. I told him that, ideally, yes, it's best to be married when you have kids because raising kids is really a job that takes two people to help each other. That point was lost on Pokemon Boy who was already fixated on the first part of my statement. "But wait," asks he. "Don't you need an e.g.g from the woman and a s.p.e.r.m from the man?" True. But you don't have to be married to have that happen. "So you can use a stranger's s.p.e.r.m?" This is the point at which I realized I had unwittingly entered into The Talk. There was no backing out now. And all points of travel from here on in lead to just one thing: the robot from Lost In Space flailing all limbs and yelling, "Danger! Danger Will Robinson!!"

I go on to explain how some people don't always get married but live together. And being the morally upright idiot that I am, I very lamely attempt to throw in my bit about how that's not ideal and is fraught with risk but he wasn't even listening. His mind was still churning on the whole e.g.g and s.p.e.r.m issue. I think he was ok with accepting that unmarried couples might procreate. But...

"So how does the s.p.e.r.m get together with the e.g.g anyway?"

[Insert frozen smile combined with deer in the headlights look here]

My tact with delicate subjects and my boys has always been to present it as fact. Or more as matter of fact. Don't treat it as taboo. Don't treat it as dirty. Just explain things as if I was explaining dinosaurs or how to split the atom or something. And that works when they're asking simple questions like "Where does the baby grow?" that you can answer with very vague words like "womb" or "baby growing sack" or something. You toss a benign sounding word at them and they're bored and moving on to spread even more Pokemon cards around the house because they just realized there was still a spot of carpet visible to the naked eye.

But I knew I was about to try to totally vague and benign my way through a very delicate subject. I was going to try to describe The Act with words such as may be found in a two year old's board book. Yah. Good luck with that. Let me know how that works out for you, will you?

I won't put the whole conversation here because the punctuation to keep perverts from getting here would make it unreadable. But I described the act very blandly, trying to keep my poker face steady. But Pokemon Boy has - as he tells it - a super ectoplasmic mind. Which he uses to convey "I'm wikkid smart." So he asked all the questions you'd expect someone to ask. I mean, if you try to tell an electrical engineer that you built a robot out of some metal and wires, you think they'll settle for that? Exactly.

So while Blue Floral Ghost entertained himself by getting more and more entwined in the guest bed sheets, I had this monumental conversation with Pokemon Boy. It was so hard not to laugh. It was just so completely out of a sit-com.

I shudder to think of the counseling my boys will need when I'm done raising them.

Dude. Seriously. It came without warning.

I Am Dork: Hear Me Roar

Today was nothing to blog home about. Meetings from 9am to 6pm. A working lunch. Bio-breaks (ie - let's all go loose our bladders) were given out grudgingly. A great group of people to work with. But even great groups of people can be too much when you saddle them with terms like "work session" and other pithy corporate catch phrases.

I took pictures of a bunch of them. But figured I didn't get any kind of release forms signed allowing me to shoot their images across the ether. So you will just have to use your imagination to picture Classy Leader Lady, Funny Facilitator Guy, Wikkid Smart Guy #1 and Wikkid Smart Guy #2, Quiet Smart Girl On Crutches, Funny Lady With Attitude and, yours truly: Comic Relief At End Of Table Girl.

Although, you don't have to use your imagination for me. Here are some shots to keep you happy. Because I can hear you all clamoring for more pictures of ME!!!

An April Fool in Boston

The eagle has landed. I got into Boston almost 2 hrs after my original arrival time. No worries. Delays in beautiful Cincinnati. Nice airport, that.

I'm fighting off a cold so I'm not visiting my pregnant friend or Kristen and her family as originally planned. Don't need to share that kind of love.

Here are some shots from my hotel. I love the Radisson. Every single room has a balcony. First thing I did was go onto mine. Love it. Here are three shots from my 12th floor room. [I can't seem to make this picture any wider. The shots are from 5:54pm, 6:33pm & 7:22pm.]


Here's a shot of my room. You can see my lovely balcony view out the sliding door. And I had American Idol on the TV. (Right now, I'm watching one of my favorite shows, Gene Simmons Family Jewels.)


And here I am chillin'. I'm sitting at my computer desk with my feet up on my giant king sized Sleep Number bed. Traveling is good.


I'm heading to bed now. Then to meetings all day tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have time to take some shots of something interesting enough to blog about.

Wish you were here.

A Little of This...A Little of That...

Let's give you updates in chronological order. If my brain will work that well.

Last Thursday:
Wow. This was a bomb out of the blue. Pokemon Boy was home sick. I decided to take him to the doctor because he had a fever a few days earlier and his neck had been stiff for days. I figured it was because he slept in my bed on one of my thick pillows. But let's rule out meningitis before we chalk it up to thick pillows. The doc concurred that it was a spasming neck muscle and sent us home with instructions for ibuprofen and heating pads.

I got back to my office to see my laptop screen blinking like a Christmas tree. Apparently, while I was out discussing pillows and meningitis, Corporate Pawns R Us was busy laying people off in my division. The sky was falling in real time and the instant message traffic was insane. Names were flying, some actually laid off, some not. Numbers were being tossed around: everything from 30 to 300. I felt sick. My former boss pinged me to tell me, yes, layoffs were happening but she had no names. They hadn't really let her in on the juicy details.

At the end of the day, I think about 30-ish people were let go. It spanned the gambit from vice presidents to admin assistants. From new people to 25 yr + veterans. It was insane and at times seemed rather random. My personal manager in Hartford was cut. Quite a few people I know were cut. It was an emotional day all around.

Somehow I made the cut. And I have been told that I was originally on the cut list. If I had stayed with my old project (I was on loan to another project for 6 months), I would have been let go. But the VP in charge of the project I'm currently on wanted to keep me so I'm now permanently over in his area. Still not sure of my exact position. But I have a job. So "having a job" is a title and position I can live with.

File that one under "God totally rocks and not just once in a while!"

Friday:
We all returned to work in duck-and-cover mode. But no more layoffs were forthcoming. At least not this month. However, the major reorg we all knew was coming came. Some of us - like me - knew we were going over to entirely different organizations and managers, etc. But to others, it was a shock. So yet another day pretty much shot with everyone instant messaging the latest information they'd heard.

That night, I took the boys to their dad's house for the weekend. They didn't want to go because there is more fun stuff here (ie - cable TV, computers, whatever else they could think up). They went. Mom wanted space to watch bad TV at loud volumes while doing laundry, picking up toys and trying to make my house look like it wasn't currently occupied by the armed forces.

Saturday:
This was the day we were telling the boys their dad is moving back to Boston. This is the day I will someday win an Oscar for. See, I had to sit there while their dad told them he's leaving. I had to appear supportive for their sake - not of their dad's decision but to be there for whatever reaction they were going to have. I have to kind of keep a blank poker face because, inside, I want to just stand up and scream at the man for even entertaining the idea of leaving his children. I would move to a different state and leave my kids...um...oh yah: NEVER. So it is unfathomable to me. Anyway, he told them while I tried to look unbiased. I'm pretty sure I had on my stony stare which is anything but unbiased. But it was the best I could do.

So he told them. Lil' Bro sitting on my lap said, "You're moving?" Lame-O: "Yes." Lil' Bro: "To Boston?" Lame-O: "Yes." Lil' Bro turns to me and says, "Mommy? {dramatic pause} Can we go to the Ossin Chillren's Moozeeyum?" Yes, when your four year old world is turned upside down, by all means, we should go to the Austin Children's Museum.

Pokemon Boy, on the other hand, got it. Full force. He cried. He cried and cried and cried. It made me want to vomit. There's crying that makes a mom come running. Someone has fallen or removed a limb with a chain saw. But then there is crying where you know their heart has been shattered. They understand the situation is beyond their control. They hate it. But they can't change it. And they hate that part even more. He was heart broken. He cried for a good half hour. Maybe more. It was awful. So did Lame-O. For him, I had no sympathy. Cry, mister. Cry rivers. Just don't expect a supportive pat on the shoulder from me.

Well, after Pokemon Boy was able to pull it together, his eyes looked like he had suffered chemical burns. We had suspected he had a sty or maybe pink eye. If you could have seen him, you would have thought he had rubbed Ajax in his eyes. So no Children's Museum today. No, today's field trip will be a family visit to the urgent care center.

One trip to the urgent care center and a dose of antibiotics later, we were all pretty hungry. We had lunch somewhere. I don't really remember where. Then we took the boys to a playground. While they played, future ex (Lame-O) and I had quite a few talks. I told him exactly what I thought of parents that leave their children without some kind of life-or-death reason. He gave me his reasons which to me (and I can promise, most of you) were completely lame and selfish and I was more than happy to share that editorial stance with him. His counselor told him to make his decision and not to feel guilty. He unfortunately is taking that out of context and using that as his carte blanche to just not feel any guilt at all. I can promise him it won't work. He will feel guilt. People reap what they sow. It's a fact of life. It's a law woven into the very fabric of the universe. Call it what ever name you want. But it happens. I don't envy his reaping when it comes.

Sunday:
At 2:30am, I received a phone call from future ex. Lil' Bro had thrown up in future ex's bed. He didn't have any clean sheets. Pokemon Boy was still asleep on the clean side. (Insert long silence on my end here.) I'm still not exactly sure what I was supposed to do about it. But apparently Lil' Bro had wanted to call me. Most parents I know would have told him he could call mommy in the morning. But I think future ex was in out-of-practice parent panic mode and called hoping I'd guide him through the how-to of dealing with a puking kid in the middle of the night. *sigh*

So with pukey-fevery-4-yr-old and double-pink-eye-7-yr-old, I was solo at church. I figured it was good for future ex to have some quality REALISTIC parenting time with the boys in light of his pending departure from the day to day.

After church, I picked up the boys and headed home. We had a pretty mellow day at home. After the boys' bed time, I finally did my taxes. God rocked the refund thing and I was very happy.

Today:
At work, not much going on. All of the managers were meeting with their managers and trying to figure out which game pieces went into which board game. I still have no idea if I'm part of Parchisi or part of Hi-Ho Cherrio. I have a job. So I'm cool with where ever they put me.

Lil' Bro still had fevers most of the day. He'll stay home again tomorrow. Pokemon Boy's eyes are better. He'll go to school tomorrow.

I fly up to Boston tomorrow for 2 days of meetings. I won't have much time to see people. But I'm hoping to see my wonderful inner circle tomorrow night. And I'm planning on seeing a band on Wed night that contains two of my favorite men in Boston. And I will be having dinner with the awesome chicks from my old project on Thur night. Then I'll fly home on Fri morning. I plan to be dead to the world all of Friday night and Saturday morning.

So there's your update. Remind me to tell you about a long lost friend that just reappeared out of the ether. I think we've just rekindled a friendship that will be way better and stronger than it was when we left it back in the early 90's. It's a cool story. Can't wait to tell you.

Must...pack...must...sleep...

Who Doesn't Love Queen Latifa?

That's a rhetorical question.

I love the Queen. Latifa, that is. Liz is great but Ms. Latifa seems more like someone who would hang with me and mine.

Tonight I was tired. I was just wanting a movie to make me smile. I flipped through all the Showtime channels. Saw III? Pass. All the other movies didn't do it for me either. But then at 9:00 came 'Last Holiday' with our lovely Ms. Latifa. And Gerard Depardieu. Love him. And LL Cool J. His videos scare me but he seems very fun and down to earth.

I have to tell you, it's been a while since a movie has made me smile and really feel good. It's a silly premise but it really is fun. And the Queen makes it look normal to trust in and talk to God. Actually, the way she looks up and has little private chats with him in front of people is pretty much what I do all the time.

Anyway, I highly recommend this movie. It's the old "live life to its fullest" message. But I think a few of us could use a reminder of that.

And yes this one has been out for a while. But have you seen it? Go rent it. Or go see when it's on Showtime again. There you go. That's my movie recommendation. Take it while it lasts because I rarely see movies. Go. Go on, now. Go see it.

Pix of The Fambly Visit and Easter

The Fambly Visit:
Goodness I'm tired. I stayed up late with Lil Sis Mom and her hubby almost every night they were here. I am totally amazed that we had 3 adults, 5 kids and a 3 month old baby all under one roof and had a great time. It was controlled chaos. The kind that would surely drive certain people insane. I loved it. My boys loved it. Seemingly, all of Lil Sis Mom's family loved it. A good time was had by all. And there was much rejoicing.

I'll share some pix with you. I'd love to put way more on here but I think it would be over kill. So I tried to give everyone some face time here. And now the hard part: coming up with non-identifying clever little tags for everyone. I'll do my best.

This one...I love this one. This is a shot of the 4 oldest kids. My boys and Lil Sis Mom's two oldest girls. My 13 yr old niece is the only one I could get to take a normal picture. If you only knew my birth-father and my sister, this picture would prove nature over nurture.


Oh my goodness. This is my tiniest niece. She's 3 months old. She has 2 middle names - the 2nd of which is my name. I love that. Especially given that I have 10 siblings and this is the first time anyone dared saddle their child with any part of my name. But seriously, is this not one of the cutest babies you've ever seen? She's an amazing kid. My mom said she looks very much like I did at her age. Big ol' melon head and all. Lucky girl.


This is Lil Sis Mom and me. It's blurry but the best shot of the two of us where we weren't making stupid faces. I wikkid luv huh!


I love this shot of my sis and her oldest girl. My birth father used to call her Little Czechoslovakia - a joke that got very old because her name is actually a different country. I don't think he ever tired of that joke. He was sadly alone in that. HA!


Here is a collage of Pokemon Boy and my 9 yr old niece. They got on wonderfully. She tossed a few sighs around when he wouldn't stop talking about Pokemon or wouldn't give her some space. But over all, they really clicked. And as you can see, the goofy gene is strong in both of them.


Here is my 3 yr old niece and Lil' Bro. Seriously, she is all sorts of cute and full of attitude. I have a huge soft spot for her because A) she gives amazing hugs, B) she constantly tells you "Ah lahk yeeoo!" and C) she thinks I'm hysterical. Truth be told, she had me at C. I was pretty impressed at how well Lil' Bro and Lil' Miss Attitude got along. Sharing was at a maximum with very few melt downs. Very cute. I mean, way too stinkin' cute!


Here's another one that I threw in because their faces were just too adorable. That's Lil' Miss Attitude, Pokemon Boy and Lil' Bro.


Here's the obligatory "Parents Adoring Small Baby" shot. I kept getting the oddest shots of these two. One would look great and the other would look half in the bag or what not. So I said, "OK, just look at the baby like you like her or something," and I got this shot. That's my new brother-in-law. He rocks. I'm always happy to meet Christian men who think marriage is serious business and wives aren't disposable.



Easter:
Today was Easter and my mom's birthday. Future ex accompanied the boys and me to church. It's still such an awkward thing for him. Between the shame he feels and the protective feelings some people have for me, it's not exactly a giant open love fest. But there are always people in my church who still like the good parts in future ex that they know still exist. My pastor just loves him. Genuinely. So does his wife. The music director's wife, too. It really is hard. Yah, they're Christians, but they're human. It's hard to step off the line of people who want to woop that boy some sense, you know? Yah. I know you do.

The sermon was really cool. I'm having trouble getting my brain to function. But the pastor was going through all the places in the bible where Jesus claimed to be God. Of course, the English translations don't have the words, "I am God." But he gave the background on terms like Son of Man (read the prophecy of Daniel) and "Lord" (ie - "I Am" or Yahweh or Jehovah). Then he pointed out places where Jesus referred to himself in these terms. Also, there are places where certain translations have Jesus answering "I am he" but the actual translation shows him saying, "I Am." Oh there is way more to it than I'm blundering through here. But it was really cool. I was glad future ex got to hear it. If nothing else, he can now understand why I think Jesus is so important. He may not agree but now he might see why I draw the line at certain humor where I do. Or why certain irreverent flippant statements by unthinking people can make me shake my head or actually get really mad.

Anyway, church rocked. The worship team seemed tuned in to God. It was the first time I sang with future ex there where I wasn't self conscious. I said, hey man, this is the day that is most profound for my beliefs. I'm worshipping!!! One of my friends also joined on backing vocals. She wasn't sure about doing it but I said, just stand up here with me and worship. And sing whatever you want to. No one will care. She has a fantastic voice and it went great! When she knew a song, I'd hang back and just supplement her vocals. When I knew it more, I'd let 'er rip, as usual. And two of the songs we both knew well so we were able to harmonize (which I love!). It was good worship!

Anyway, after church, we dropped future ex home and headed up to my parents' house. Big Sis and Tall Guy were there with my extremely handsome nephew Sid.


I had crock potted a brisket and mom made the rest. And what a "the rest" it was! Rolls, green beans w/ almonds, baked potatoes, salad, corn, peach cobbler...seriously, I'm still in the elastic waisted pants.

My mom gave the boys Easter gift bags. Here are two shots of them using their giant bubble wands.



And here's a cute blurry shot of me and Lil' Bro.

Meine Schwester Ist Hier!!

Yeeee-HA! One of my "little" sisters is here from Ooooooooooo-OAK-lahoma. Sorry. Bad musical reference that only my deceased birth-father finds funny. This is my half-sister by my birth-father (everyone get out your 492 page pocket guide to my totally weird family orchard and turn to page 216). She rocks. She looks like me (which always thrills me, as a kid adopted into the most rockin' family to which I have no physical resemblance). But more evident is the shared genetic flaw we mutually inherited from our birth-father. I refer to, of course, the complete and utter dork-a-rama gene. We are both incurable idiots. Dorks to the bone. We think the most inane things are hysterical. Most frequently, chicken clucking but done very slowly. Very hard to explain. We both like to think of ourselves as extremely clever in the humor factor. But in all reality, we're just both total morons. Much to our collective children's chagrin.

Anyway, I haven't seen her since our birth-father died in 2002. I had only met one of her two daughters at the time. Now she's here with those two daughters, a new hubby, a new step-daughter and a new wee peanut of a daughter. My house is full. My boys are overrun with girls and are loving it. My parents have dropped by very quickly to say hi - it was bed time and the baby was having a melt down and two girls were in the tub and I just didn't time telling them to come very well. My Big Sis stopped by yesterday, along with The Tall Guy. She's met Little Sis Mom before but it was probably in 1996 or so. So that was very cool. The Tall Guy and New Bro-In-Law got on famously. Cut from similar cloths.

Anyway, I'm loving it. I probably won't give a good picture post until they've left. I wish I could do a live podcast so you could see us in action together. My church met them all on Sunday and it seemed to be a mutual love fest. I saw a couple of amused looks at how similarly goofball-ish we both are.

So, pictures to come later. I promise.

MmmmmWAH!

My Parents: Rockin' The 30th Wedding Anniversary

I'm a bit late posting this. I blame society. Society made me what I am! (*lame Repo Man reference for any of you born that long ago.)

On Tuesday, my parents rocked out their 30th wedding anniversary in true style. By taking my two spring-break house-bound kids for the afternoon and then totally forgetting it was their anniversary until I called to discuss their anniversary dinner. Which we didn't do that night because mom had already popped pizzas in the oven and started salads.

Now, being the good daughter that I am, I told mom that this was unacceptable and she needed to celebrate her anniversary. Which apparently didn't hold any weight with her. She kept my boys for the evening and sent me on my way to my church small group meeting. I was told I needed it. Hmmm. Mom is usually right. Unfortunately, it took me the better part of my 42 years to really own up to this fact. I did go get them a gorgeous vase full of flowers before I left for small group. But still, it felt rather lame.

Let me tell you a bit about why 30 years of marriage is a miracle for my parents. For those family members that know my 5 siblings and me, you already understand the miracle. For those of you that have this very mistaken notion that I'm some sort of wonderful, kind-hearted, unselfish Christian girl...I am that on my good days. I am very far from that on my not so good days.

In 1978, my parents got married. We were like some kind of Brady Bunch on acid. I wish I could dig up a picture. Wait. I have to try. My giant blocks of wood for shoes ALONE are worth the effort. One second. I'll be right back.

Here's the guys. From closest to farthest we have Peter, Greg, Bobby and Mike. (*Names have been changed to amuse the blogger.)


Here's the goylz. From closest to farthest we have Cindy, Jan, Marsha and Carol. (*Again, names have been changed because it amuses me to think of myself as clever.)


Dudes, you seriously can't see the blocks of wood I have riveted to my feet. Ok, actually the white straps of leather were ACTUALLY riveted to the blocks of wood. Notice the dainty footwear of the times sported by my mom and sisters. I, however, have the feet of Fred Flintstone or Barny Rubble. They're very short and very wide. They don't generally make dainty footwear for female hobbits. No. They fashion "shoes" from straps of leather, rivets and blocks of wood.

Enough of the shoes. Check the hair we all sported. I was rockin' the Sabrina Duncan/Kate Jackson cut. Granted, it was probably more like Toni Tennille from the Captain and Tennille. But since I was convinced at the time that Kate Jackson was my birth mother (by the sheer fact that I had her hair cut), I always made sure I played the smart Angel with my friends.

Wow, could I digress any more?

Those pictures rock, do they not?

Look, I'll get back on point. In 1978, nobody knew about blended families. People really thought it would work like the Brady Bunch. Maybe if you marry when your kids are all between the ages of zero and 3, sure. Maybe if the other spouses are deceased...maybe. That didn't seem to help our family. But when you try to blend a family of 6 kids of the ages 12, 14, 14, 16, 19 and 19? Those are not exactly prime ages for flexibility and adapting to change. They are, however, prime ages for large volcanic explosions and years of events that could fill many books. Thankfully, none of my siblings or I are wanting to recount those events in any public forum.

The two oldest moved out as soon as they could. The remaining four made life as unbearable for each other and our parents as 4 teenagers possibly could. How our family has retained any semblance of "family" or friendship is truly a testimony to God and his handiwork.

My parents weren't perfect. There weren't a plethora of books on how to make a blended family of teenagers work. They didn't have a clue about the major life issues that would hit many of their kids. And us kids were in the same boat but on the kid end of the spectrum. We were adolescents. Pretty much the most narcissistic age on the planet. We had needs and the rest of the world be damned. Oh it was just a recipe for disaster.

To their credit, my parents prayed hard and enlisted their friends and family to do the same. I can't speak for the rest of my siblings. But I made my dad's life miserable for a good 6 to 8 years. I have no doubt that man wanted to walk on more than one occasion. But he stayed. They toughed it out. They toughed out a parent life that no parent should have to endure. And it didn't stop once we all reached our 20s and realized what idiots we were. No, we just found more grown up idiocies to indulge in.

In this world where people bail on marriages in any number of ways for any number of tiny ripples in their perception of perfection, my parents are freaking rocks. My siblings and I might have problems with some of their methods. But being a parent now and knowing that I will literally do anything to keep my kids safe? I can't really blame them. But they never bailed on the marriage. They probably would have had every right in the eyes of society. That fickle society that tells you at every turn, if it's hard, toss it. Get a new one! That blended family - everyone knew it would fail. We can't blame them for tossing in the towel. No way. My parents took the sacrament of marriage seriously. They took the charge of parenting these 6 miscreants seriously. God gave them that charge. And they haven't given up on any one of us yet. Or our kids.

I'm just barely hinting at the surface of a ginormous iceberg. I will never write about all of the crap our family went through. I'm sure mom shared some with her sisters. I'm not sure who dad talked to. And I'm sure all 6 of us kids have shared our very biased views with any number of friends. But none of those confidantes lived it. Being the youngest of the six, I stayed in that house the longest. My Big Sis and I stayed long enough for my "step-dad" to become "dad".

And it's these same parents that weathered a familial storm with 6 unwilling kids who have run to bail each of us six kids out. Over and over again. Year after year. The most recent time being their move here to Texas to rescue me after my marriage failed.

The next time I let a man into my life, he better have the resolve of my parents. He better be ready to live up to that standard. Because most of the married couples breaking up because it got "hard"? They don't KNOW from hard.

My parents freakin' ROCK, yo.

Pokemon Boy And The Sub - An Update

Back in February, I posted about how Pokemon Boy was having anxiety at school due to a long-term sub. I thought I'd let you know how that went.

After two weeks of almost daily notes home, I spoke to one of my wonderful friends at church who is a teacher. I wanted to talk to the sub but I dread being one of those mothers who acts like her child is entitled to do whatever he wants. I didn't want to come off as one of those in-your-face parents who thinks their precious little prince or princess should get preferential treatment. I didn't want to choose the wrong words, offend her and then let Pokemon Boy reap the results of that kind of confrontation. Gah! I was also going to wait a bit more to see if it corrected itself.

My wonderful and wise teaching friend listened to me, talked with me and ended up giving me great advice. Don't wait. Talk to her tomorrow. Choose my words carefully so I present myself as a partner and not an adversary. I also told her how I don't like waving the Tourette's flag. I don't like to just say, "Well, he has Tourette's..." as if that should excuse any actions on his part. Like I keep saying, his Tourette's is still very mild. I think the obsessive compulsive tendencies manifest in attention problems. At times, he focuses SO intently on things, you can't reach him. I mean, I've seen him read something and then I call his name. He'll look my way but I can tell he's not there - his mind is still on the book. He'll look right at me and I'll talk to him. But no reply. It's a zone-out kind of thing. It's very different from when he purposely tunes me out (as all kids do to their parents). I had a gut feeling that this was the main cause of his problems with the teacher.

Anyway, the next day was the Friday of her second week with Pokemon Boy's class. He cried that morning. He didn't want to go to school. He saw himself as a "bad student" and therefore shouldn't be in school. Can you imagine? At seven, he thinks he's not worthy of attending school with everyone else. It just KILLED me to have to reassure him that things will get better and force him to go to the bus. He left the house all red faced and puffy-eyed. I prayed a lot.

I called the teacher and asked when I could meet with her - phone or in person - her call. She took the time right there to talk to me. She sounded very competent and very much like she cared. That made me feel good. I told her I was concerned because Pokemon Boy had gone a full year with one note home. I told her I wanted to understand why he suddenly had 6 notes home in two weeks. She told me the examples of things that had caused the notes home. They were all things related to her having to tell him things multiple times. I get that. I know how frustrating that is. But in my head, I was thinking, ok...why did the main teacher not have a problem with it? We talked a bit and I told her I have the same problems with him at home. I told her that I have trouble determining when he's tuning me out and when it's just his intense focusing issues. Then I had to ask - "They told you he has Tourette's, right?" Nope. They hadn't. I imagine the teacher left suddenly due to contractions or who knows. It happens. So I told her his diagnosis and how it manifests, etc. She sounded very surprised but I think it made things make sense for her. So she said she would try to assess his actions differently - trying to look at him with this new knowledge. I told her I didn't expect her to excuse all of his actions. I told her that he will be a kid sometimes and will act out or tune her out, etc. I think it really made things make sense for her. When we had started talking, she just seemed to be so confused by the fact that he is such an excellent student, so very eager to please and so well behaved. She just couldn't understand why he would just ignore her so often. Now it made more sense.

Since that talk, he has had smiley faces every day. And he has been happy and not afraid to go to school.

I am so thankful to that woman for taking the time to really talk and listen. I'm so glad she was willing to open her mind to the possibility that Pokemon Boy wasn't doing these things to slight her. I am so thankful to my teacher friend for advising me and giving me the right approach. And I'm thankful to God for listening to my prayers and fixing the situation!

I think all this summer, I will be praying hard for Pokemon Boy's next teacher. The schools here are amazing. But you do get the odd teacher here or there that has just checked out or can't deal with anything other than "normal" students. God has provided three amazing teachers that have gone the extra mile for Pokemon Boy. I will ask for that trend to continue in the next school year.

A Meme Because I Wanna Be Light

I've been too verbose lately. I'm losing my best reader (me) due to the length of my recent posts. I want to keep it light today. I'll post about deeper thoughts another time. So here's a post that will make you think I have entirely too much time on my hands.

Here's a meme I've seen and probably done before. But I like it. I grabbed it from HRH Sarakastic. Here's how it works:

1. You link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. Share six unimportant things about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your entry.
5. Let the tagged people know by leaving a comment on their blogs.

ONE: Today, I ate a burrito the size of a small woodland creature. No...probably bigger. It was definitely bigger than your average squirrel. I told my friend at work it was about the size of her small dog. It was big. It was yummy. It had carnitas, black beans, rice, guac, pico, cheese & lettuce in it. It made me happy. I didn't finish it. Did I mention it was huge?


TWO: I want one of those Kohler showers I recently saw on TV. The kind of shower rich people get when they get rich enough to think things like, "Damn the environment, I'm showering in 952 gallons of water a second!"


THREE: I've begun to find that foreign films are really worth sitting through. And I don't just mean the ones that win foreign film awards at the Oscars. I find that surfing through movie channels late at night has rewarded me with gems that aren't recycled action B movies from the 80's. Last night, I watched something from Spain. A few nights ago, something from China. A week or two ago, a wonderful love story from Japan. Fun stuff.


FOUR: I love glasses. I am secretly thrilled that my aging eyes are failing me. I have 2 gorgeous pair already. If I ever hit a lottery, I promise you that the Filipino in me will finally come out. I will make up for the shoes I don't have with a collection of glasses that will rival anything you can imagine. *Note to self: I need to get out more.


FIVE: I know it goes against what The Media informs me I should like? But um...this repulses me:



SIX: THIS, however, does NOT:

I will cop out here and tag anyone who feels like doing this. It's cold and my mouse hand is freezing. I'm going to bed.

God Rockin' The Prayer Requests (Again)

So much to blog about. So little time. Remind me to get back on main subject and tell you guys about what's up with Pokemon Boy lately. His anxiety issues have been wreaking havoc lately. But we're attacking it with prayer. Hopefully, by the time I can actually post fully on it, God will have it all under wraps already.

Here's the thing that has me thrilled at the moment: God rocks. I think I've established this fact pretty solidly throughout this here blog thang.

So that plane ticket fiasco I last posted about. Yah, that was fun. I mean, it was stressful to deal with. But financially, it really put me behind the eight ball. As I mentioned last time, I attacked it with prayer. I talked to God about it. I admitted my own hand in getting my finances to such a precarious place that a $630 extra ticket would so derail me. Yes, I know. $630 to us mortals is a lot. But let me tell you, in the not-so-distant past, I had my savings padded enough to handle that and still leave some savings in place. I get a little giddy when the coffers are full. I tend to spoil myself a bit too much at those times. I use all sorts of excuses from wanting to spoil my boys to the old "I've been through soooo much I deserve it" kind of crap. So part of my trouble was my own doing.

Blah blah blah. Bottom line, I was in the red and was facing some late payments and possibly not being able to dig myself out of some increasing debt very easily. It's the kind of place I've worked hard for years to keep from being. It's the kind of place I've been terrified of being as a single mom - afraid that would become the norm.

Blah blah blah again. Sorry.

So anyway, I've been asking God lately to get me solid financially. I don't mean a huge lottery or anything. I just asked for wisdom in spending (which he gives but I keep ignoring). I've asked for some financial windfalls. I leave it to him to decide what that might look like. I've also been asking for the same thing for another dear single mom friend of mine. We've been rather trying to lift the same prayers up for each other.

Last week, I got my rating at work for the 2007 work year. If you've been here a while, you know that 2007 will pretty much go down in my permanent memory as a pretty rough ride. I held down three different job descriptions in my company - all under different managers. The last one I said yes to on the same day that my marriage officially exploded. I wasn't exactly stellar employee material last year. Add to that that I had 3 different managers - only one of which actually knew what I was worth - my chances at getting a good rating were slim to none. They rate us from zero (meaning you better start looking elsewhere) to a 5 (meaning you rock and a whole lot of people think so). I'm used to consistently getting 3s & 4s. I've gotten a 5 twice. Last week, I got a two. It was the usual rhetoric about I'm new to the position and need more training and experience. And it's true. So I understand my rating. It blows. But I understand it.

There was a time that if you got a 1 or a 2, you didn't get a bonus. I have gotten a bonus every year for I don't know how long. I try not to bank on it because, if you do and you don't get one? That's scary. When I got that 2, I thought, well, if I even GET a bonus, it'll be small. So I was trying to pat myself on the back and give the old "buck up girl," speech. I mean, even if they only toss me a $5 bill, it's $5 I didn't have the day before.

Yesterday, my boss who barely knows me called to tell me my bonus amount. I'd have to look for sure. But I'm pretty sure it's about the same amount as I got last year when I was rated a 3. And that is NOT a complaint! I have no idea what other people expect for bonuses. I'm one of those retarded Pollyannas that is totally thrilled with anything that is over $500. And this was well over $500!! She was telling me my amount and putting a positive spin on it - almost as if she was expecting me to be annoyed by the amount. At one point, she stopped and said, "Is this alright?" I was like...YAH! Are you kidding?! I'm thrilled. Like I said, I have no idea what other professionals think is a good amount. But God came through for me. In my book? This is huge.

So I have been thanking God over and over. I don't know why I'm always so amazed when he comes through in such a tangible way. But I have enough to give a big ol' chunk to my church. I can pad my savings with another big ol' chunk. I can toss some into the boys' 529 funds. I can cover summer day-care for Pokemon Boy. I can pay off all the money I spent flying to the funeral and all that extra ticket fiasco. It's mind blowing.

I will forever appreciate the people who taught me to pray. Trish, you're one of them. Sometimes I'm formal. But mostly, I talk to God. I tell him all my troubles. I've stopped being embarrassed about the "little things". I've stopped boxing my huge God into the tiny limits of my imagination. I pray very specifically. And other times, I open it up for his interpretation. I pray big. I pray often. I ask for his blessings: health, finances, love, you name it. I ask for it. I thank him constantly. Especially for all of the friends and family I have. For all of the people that I know have lifted me and my boys up in prayer. For those that haven't given up on praying for future ex.

Once again, God is rockin' the prayer requests. He's good like that.

A Warning for Travelers

So here's one that all you heavy travelers of the air probably already know. But I didn't. And it was a very expensive lesson. Which is why I'm passing it along to the handful of you that visit me regularly.

When you book a round trip ticket, if you don't show up for the first leg of your trip, the entire "itinerary" is cancelled. In other words, they cancel the whole round trip ticket. BUT - mind you - you are STILL charged for the whole thing. If you don't show up for the return leg of your trip, they don't care.

I've been told this all plays into the stepped up security measures blah blah blah. Which is fine. It should just be publicized more. In all honesty, who reads all the fine print? I used to. Sometimes I still do when I'm signing up for something I've never done before. But plane travel, I skim the huge thing you're supposed to read and say you agree to. I look for headings that I've never seen before. But if you sit there reading the whole thing, you will be there for about 2 hours. And in that time, you will have timed out and lost the flight you wanted in the first place. So I guarantee you, only a handful of people read that stuff. Or we all read it once - a million years ago. And it obviously changes.

Whatever. It's in the fine print of the major airlines, the bulk suppliers like Expedia, my work's travel website. It's there. I checked.

So my latest work trip to Hartford was booked way before Grandpa Larry died. When he died, I quickly booked a trip up to New England. I figured I'd rent a car to drive from NH down to CT. No biggy. The last time I called an airline to tell them I wouldn't be on a flight I had already paid for, they told me I didn't have to call. It's just a no show and someone can go stand-by in my seat. That was probably back in 2005 or 2006. So the rules have changed. Bummer.

Anyway, I finished my classes in Hartford and got to the airport early (thankfully!). The computer check in couldn't find my itinerary. The lady at the counter couldn't either.
Lady: Oh wait...here it is! But it's been cancelled.
Me: Cancelled? That's silly.
Lady: Well, you didn't fly on the first leg of the trip so they cancelled your entire itinerary.
Me: Oh. Ok. Well, can you reinstate it? I mean, obviously I'm here.
Lady: Oh no. We can't do that.
Me: ...

Long story not so short: she gave me the 800 number to the airline. Do you know how fun voice automation is over a cell phone in a noisy airport? Yah. I had to state my last name (I have two). So I picked one and stated it. The AVR system said, "I think you said 'Monkey'. Is that right?" *sigh* So after a few prayers to keep me calm and a million minutes later, I got a human. Who very kindly listened to my story about my original trip and the funeral and now I'm here and need to get out of here before the snow storm from hell arrives the next day. Nothing she can do. But maybe I can try my work's travel agency. Right. Because if the AIRLINE issuing the ticket says no, I'm SURE some corporate travel agency can make them change their mind. But I call them anyway. And I was right. Nothing they can do.

SO...I go back to the nice lady at the counter. And I'm trying hard not to cry. I ask her to book me on that same flight. You know, the one I already paid for? Yah, that one. So she sucks air through her clenched teeth and goes, "Ooooh...it's going to be about $950. Is that ok?" Um...no. Not particularly. I'd really prefer you just give me my original ticket. So I tell her try a round trip. She goes, "And when will you be returning?" Here's me giving her a blank stare. "Any day. It doesn't matter. I'm not coming back." "Oh...right..." tappity tappity tippity tap. "Oh...look at that! It's only $630! I didn't know you could do that. That's really cool." Yes. It's so cool to only pay $630 that I don't have as opposed to $950 that I don't have. Very cool.

I won't even bother going into how I handed her my one credit card and it was declined. Oh yah, I had put the emergency trip to NH on that. And the rental car. And any food I had bought while there. And a few other sundries. And it was pretty topped off to start with. Dang. So on my American Express it went. Which I have to pay at next billing. Yah. Good times.

I was so stressed on the plane. I wanted to just panic and cry. How will I pay for the lawyer who wants another retainer? How will I pay for Lil' Bro's preschool? How will I blah blah blah blah? I've prided myself on doing this single mom thing SO WELL. I was paying for everything - covering everything alone. And now I had gone and stepped right in a big ol' pile of it. I think my pride was hurt more than anything.

Then I thought, this is exactly what I'm supposed to turn over to God. What am I doing freaking out and wanting to puke? So almost the whole flight to Dallas I prayed. Ok God, I've gone and done it here. You've always said to bring these things to you. And I trust that you'll work it out. You always have. I don't know why I'm panicking now. But please help me to recover from this. Please give me wisdom so I spend wisely and make it through the next few paychecks. Please help me find hidden money somewhere to get my bills all paid.

I made it home very late. I was stressed but I don't think it was over the money. I think it was over the whole funeral/traveling/training classes thing. I was tired.

Well, I ended up putting off my bill paying for a few days. I didn't want to face the reality. But finally, last Saturday, I had to buy groceries. I had to see just how much I'd be buying. I sat down with my checkbook and my bills and said, "Ok God. Let's see where we are."

I paid every single bill. Granted, I pulled padding from my savings account. I squeaked by on minimums on most - I hate doing that. But I paid them all. On time. I haven't gotten the American Express one yet. That one will hurt. And I'm paying Lil' Bro's preschool tuition later than I normally would (with the next paycheck). On Friday, I get paid again. So God and I will sit down again and do my bills for that half of the month. And I'm thinking he'll squeak me by again. I'll send the lawyer a small amount with every paycheck and that should work.

My goal is to not borrow anything from my mom & dad or my sister (she already offered). Part of this is my own stupidity for spending a bit too freely with the last paycheck. I should know to keep my savings padded more. But at least it was padded this time. And that's what the padding is for. Now I have to squeak through the next few paychecks and slowly build up that padding again.

God so totally rocks. Airlines?....not so much.

My Last Conversation With Grandpa Larry

I kept meaning to post about this. Here's a huge testimony to God's amazing orchestration skills. Well, to me it's huge. Take it how you will.

So back in Rocktober of last year, I thought I was pretty close to wrapping up the stupid divorce thing. I had verbal agreements from future ex on all sorts of things. We were putting it into writing and getting it ready to sign. The end was so close I could taste it.

Very early in that same month, I was informed that future ex had procured a lawyer. After months of me doing all the work and paying for a lawyer (future ex and I had wanted to do the whole thing as cheaply as possible), here he comes with a lawyer? His dad was footing the bill. As you can imagine, this soured me greatly on the subject of his dad. I could totally see why he might do this. But at the time it sent me through the roof. I was SO mad at Larry. On so many levels.

I eventually got over the rage. It simmered down to a low boil but it stayed there. I'd have periodic moments of feeling like oh who cares anyway. I mean, if it drags on for 5 years, that's really future ex shooting himself in his I-can't-wait-to-marry-my-new-girlfriend foot. But it still made me incredibly mad on other days.

His action of hiring a lawyer for future ex brought all of our contact to a finish. His wife - my wonderful neutral mother-in-law - tried to keep the family bonds there and the lines of communication there. She made a valiant effort that I hugely appreciated. I love her dearly for that. But in my mind, every time I communicated with her, I wanted to rave about her husband. I didn't. It wasn't her fault.

Anyway, this simmering fester pot went on in me for months. Not good. I prayed quite often - don't get me wrong. I wasn't just sitting on it. I kept asking God to help me forgive and let go. He did get me to a place where I could at least understand how a father would try to help his son, stupid or not. But I was still indignant.

When Larry got sick, I wasn't really that worried. And I don't mean I was cold. I just honestly knew he'd be fine eventually. He's a rock. You can't bring that man down with some abdominal infection. Even when it became a tumor, I knew he'd be back in top form in a year or two. But I knew at that point that we were dealing with risks and fears that go beyond an infection that won't go away. Although I felt he'd be fine and we would all look back on our panic and laugh some day, I felt it was the right thing to do to honor the severity of the whole issue. To do something. But I wasn't sure what would be the right something, given how I knew we probably felt about each other.

I talked to The Nurse in law about it. She suggested sending a card. I'm so not a card person any more. No. I was going to risk it. I was going to call him in the hospital. I mean, the worst he could do is be gruff and brief.

I called the hospital and he answered. He was pretty sick at this point and warned me he might throw up during the call (the tumor was pressing on his stomach). I told him I thought of sending a card but decided to call in stead. I said something to the effect of knowing he might not want to hear from me but too bad - here I am. He was genuinely happy to hear from me. Which surprised me but didn't.

I told him that I was sorry he was so sick and I was praying for him and knew he'd get better. We were having a pretty nice conversation. Then he said, "I'm sorry I got in the middle of things. I didn't want to get involved. But I just couldn't watch him...just standing there!" That blew my mind. I hadn't expected an apology at all. I had thought we'd avoid the subject altogether. If we did discuss it, I had expected to hear his justifications of why he funded a lawyer for future ex. And this man hasn't exactly tossed the apologies around with me and future ex. So...wow.

And at that particular moment, it was like it all snapped. Like clarity hit me - a total peace. I said something to the effect of, "Larry, you're a dad. You did what a parent would do. I mean, I'd probably do it for my kids if I had to." I meant it, too. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares who gets what stuff or what cash or whatever. I just cared that Larry got better. So I told him that. I just wanted him better. Then we talked about the boys. They were in the kitchen with me so he could hear them a bit. I gave him an update on each one to bring him up to speed on what his grandsons were up to. Pretty soon into that subject, the boys started getting restless and I had to go address dinner with them.

For one of the only times in my entire experience with Larry, I ended the phone call. That was weird. He's famous for abruptly ending a phone call with, "OK then, goodbye," and hanging up. Literally that abrupt. I felt bad when I had to tell him the boys needed me and I wanted to go because he really seemed into talking. But he was still pretty sick and the rest would probably do him good.

After that, my mother-in-law told me that our conversation had meant so much to Larry. And to her. When he passed so suddenly (well, to ME it was sudden), I thought, "Wow. God orchestrated that conversation." I've been thanking God ever since.

There you go. That was my last conversation with Grandpa Larry. For now.

Me and My Big Stupid Good Intentions

I have had so many thoughts and stories I wanted to share with you guys lately. But I'm preempting all of them to bring you this interesting exchange I had with Pokemon Boy last night.

Last night, both boys stayed up late since it was Saturday night. They would have stayed up later but Lil' Bro had a slight fever and was paler than pale. Pokemon Boy was bummed because the plan had been to pull out the fold out couch and all fall asleep watching TV. Another time, kiddo.

Lil' Bro was in bed. As Pokemon Boy's consolation prize, I allowed him to sleep in the bed in my office. Somehow, that was thrilling to him. Good. Saved me some trouble of pulling out and setting up his tent in the reading room. As we were getting him settled, he asked me a very interesting question. "Mom, do you love God more or me more?" Good grief. How does a completely imperfect human mom answer that?

I mean, if I say I love God more, will he understand that? If I say I love him more, will that diminish God in his mind? And it was a scary question because I sat there thinking...hmm...I'm supposed to love God above all else. But do I? I mean, it's so hard to say - for me, anyway.

With Pokemon Boy's anxieties and worries, I went the safest route in my mind. I would give him the answer to make him feel secure in his mother's love. "Well," I started, "I know I should love God more than anything. But the truth is, I probably love you and Lil' Bro more than anything." I thought that would make him happy. I thought that would be the end of it. I couldn't have been more wrong.

"Oh..." he hesitated. He started talking about my answer. I honestly can't recall what he was saying. But I noticed his face looked like he was going to cry. I said, "Hey, what's upsetting you? You look really upset." The floodgates opened. He started crying. And I mean big gulping sobs. Wow. This is not at ALL what I was expecting. What in the world had I done?

"Honey! What's going on? Why are you so upset? Was it something I said?" He shook his head but kept crying. "Then what's making you cry so much?" Finally, through gulping sobs, he got it across to me that he was worried I didn't love God enough. Oh good GRIEF! Me and my big stupid good intentions! I immediately regretted my answer and having attempted to give him an answer I thought he wanted to hear. I should have taken the risk and told him the truth - that God is the center of my world now. That I love him more than I ever thought I could. That he's the first one I turn to when I'm scared, anxious, happy, sad, worried, whatever. I just thought he'd be so hurt that I would have chosen some invisible God over my physically present son! GAH!

So I had to back pedal and eat crow all at the same time. All the while, silently apologizing to God for sticking my big stupid foot in my mouth. I explained everything I've pretty much written above. I told Pokemon Boy how God was the center of my world. How I put him first (or tried to) in all things. I even went so far as to tell him how God totally saved me and carried me through 2007.

After doing a lot of talking, he was a bit more mellow but still very upset. After another session of 20 questions, Pokemon Boy finally told me that this subject upset him so much because he was worried I might not go to heaven. Wow. Talk about a way deeper Saturday night than I ever thought possible! He was worried that, if I didn't love God enough, God might not love me. I was flabbergasted by the depth of his concerns. But this I had answers for. Or maybe that's when God said, "Move over L.y.n.e.t.t.e. I'm taking over now!" I started explaining that I knew for a fact that God loved me. He loves me tons. And here's why... I started telling him a Readers' Digest version of my whole life. Pretty much all the God-orchestrated milestones in my life. And only the biggies. I would have been there all night giving him the life-time testimony.

I told him how I was put up for adoption by a loving mom who wished she could keep me. And God made sure to put me with my adoptive family, the E's. I told him, "And you know who God already had in that family? Your aunt [Big Sis]!" He seemed intrigued. "And she turned out to be my best friend for the rest of my life." I went on to tell him how I started having major life threatening medical issues at the age of 7 months. And God made sure the E's had the resources (both parental and financial) to cover my hospitalizations. God pulled me through multiple surgeries. I almost died after at least one - from pneumonia. I told Pokemon Boy that lots of people prayed for me and God pulled me through that, too. I told him how God always surrounded me with tons of loving family, church family, friends, neighborhoods, school mates. I told him how I prayed almost every night for YEARS as a kid to find my "real" parents. I told him that God, in his timing, worked that out. How two days after my 20th birthday, my birth-mom called me! God brought HER to ME! And how that reunion was awesome and my birth mom and her family has been so special to me ever since then. I told him that God brought me the most love I'd ever experienced when he brought Pokemon Boy into my life. And then Lil' Bro.

Then I switched over to showing Pokemon Boy how I knew God loved HIM. I told him that all the doctors had told me I probably wouldn't be able to conceive. And for many years, that appeared true. After one miscarriage, I was told I couldn't carry full term. Then along came my pregnancy with Pokemon Boy. And God provided the most amazing doctors that monitored his development. And he was born - full term. Then he had kidney problems. And God sent us to one of the top pediatric urologists in the country - just "happened" to be on our HMO plan. I told Pokemon Boy how he had many tests and treatment and finally corrective surgery. And God brought him through all that as if it were nothing. I told him how God has surrounded him with a huge praying family, wonderful friends, a great neighborhood, a loving church family. I said, "Look, God has a reason for you being here. He went through a lot of trouble to get you here and make you healthy. I don't know what he has planned for you but it's GOT to be good!"

I have to tell you, this whole exchange probably lasted well over an hour. It was the most intense and amazing thing. I mean, about 3 weeks ago, Pokemon Boy had asked me how I knew God was real. And then had told me he wasn't sure if he believed. He told me, "I kind of like 80% think he's not real and 20% think he is." Now here he was terrified I didn't love God enough and might not make it to heaven.

During the exchange, I told him that I wasn't perfect. But I had read enough of the bible to know that God loved me. And as long as I kept trying to live my life with my eyes on God, I knew I had a spot in heaven. I assured Pokemon Boy that I'd be in heaven waiting for him once he got there.

Whew. We finally laid down together with the lights off. I put my arms around him and just prayed. I don't even remember what I prayed. But it lasted a good 15-20 minutes. I fell asleep with my arms around him. I'm pretty sure he fell asleep while I prayed.

So my advice to you is - when your kid asks you questions that might reveal your true spiritual beliefs? Don't try to color it any other way than truthfully. Because it will backfire on you. Maybe I'm just preaching to myself here. I'm just sayin'...

Pokemon Boy and The Sub

In the documentary 'I Have Tourette's But Tourette's Doesn't Have Me', one of the kids says something like, "Tourette’s and substitutes: a bad mix."

Pokemon Boy is in the middle of 2nd grade. His teacher adores him. She understands him. She extends great patience with all of her students. She has a soft but firm hand with them. In his whole 2nd grade year, he has gotten perhaps one note home. She had to ask him twice to push in his chair. Scandalous. But that's Pokemon Boy. At school he is very eager to please. He loves learning. He has been every teacher's dream so far. He's a bit distractible - what 7 yr old isn't? I don't even chalk it up to the obsessive compulsive tendencies diagnosed as co morbid with his Tourette's. He's just a normal kid.

Well, Wonder Teacher left last week (when I was traveling) to have her baby. Yay on the arrival of Teacher Wunderkind. But I'm a bit concerned about the "long term" sub. This week, Pokemon Boy had three notes home. THREE. For minor infractions. Once he was singing during a quiet activity (he does this all the time - he usually has no idea he's doing it). Once for talking to a classmate in stead of completing the task just given by the teacher. Today it was for...good grief...I can't even recall. It was equally as small. But I do recall it boiled down to him needing to do what she asks, when she asks it. I have a feeling that their normal teacher allows for slips because she knows the kids. She understands the boundaries with each one.

I explained to Pokemon Boy that the three notes home do NOT mean he's a bad student (he cried for about 10 minutes when he got home and "confessed" to me). I told him the New Sub is just trying to set the rules and might be a bit heavier handed than Wonder Teacher because New Sub doesn't know them. I explained that New Sub doesn't yet know how great Pokemon Boy is. Once she gets to know them all, I'm sure it will smooth out.

The interesting thing, however: today he had a new audible tic. Brand new and very pronounced. It was a twist on one I've seen before. It's hard to describe. It's like a hard "th" sound but there's a flick of his tongue in there. And his cheeks puff a bit. He didn't even know he was doing it. Or maybe he did. I'm not sure. I noticed a few more soft grunting noises. The eye blinking was absent. Oddly. That's usually first.

For the last few weeks, he has been having anxiety episodes - I don't want to say "attacks". They manifest right after he's eaten. I'm still not convinced these are purely anxiety. I think they started out as true reactions to crappy fast food. But I'm wondering if his anxieties caused those same symptoms at other times. He gets incredibly worked up each time. He asks me or whoever he's with to go to the bathroom with him because he's convinced he'll throw up. I've pointed out lately that, in all the times he's felt like this, he has never thrown up. But he's convinced this time he will and he's all crying, shaking and panicked. It has happened almost every time we've gone out. At different places. Different foods. The last time it happened before my business trip, I almost lost it. Sounds awful, I know. But I was tired, emotionally drained, totally stressed. My parents took us out to dinner. Two bites into my food, he starts. "Mom! I have to go! I'm going to throw up!" and the crying starts. I wanted to chuck my whole plate of food across the room and scream at him. But I went with him and tried to calmly reassure him that he'd be fine if he can just get a handle on how upset he was getting.

I left for a week and this scenario was repeated with my parents. With my sister. With my brother-in-law. I felt so awful. It's very hard to know what to say to him. It's very hard to keep your patience.

My mom had success with getting rather firm with him. She recognized one particular instance as pure anxiety. So she had to get a bit firm with him and tell him to calm down. She said it really worked. Tonight, we went out with future ex. Sure enough, 3 bites into my salmon, he has to go. He's gonna throw up. But - thankfully - he wanted future ex to go with him. I selfishly wolfed down my food while they were gone, assuming I might have to do round two with him next.

They returned from the bathroom and future ex was surprisingly Zen. I knew he was annoyed but he kept it to himself. When we left the restaurant (Lil' Bro asleep in my arms), it hit again. Pokemon Boy started panicking and crying - he was going to throw up. I piled the sleeping Lil' Bro into his seat, buckled him in and talked to Pokemon Boy. I reiterated that he has never thrown up to this date. I went over how things worked while I was away - how Grandma got him to calm down that one time. How I knew he could do it again. I explained that his panic is making his muscles tense up and might be adding to whatever GI distress he might actually be having.

Once in the car, he worked very hard to calm down. I was impressed. He did it. We had a nice drive back to future ex's house. I don't really get what this is. But it clearly is related to anxiety or panic. I don't know if it's tied to the stress at school. With my travel and the New Sub, who knows. And I'm sure eating at home would benefit us anyway.

Just thought I'd give an update on Pokemon Boy.

Grandpa Larry's Funeral

I have many subjects floating through my head today. Let's see how many I can get to before I give up and hit bed.

Grandpa Larry's Funeral
Last Thursday, I flew up to New Hampshire. My sis-in-law and her hubby met me and took me to their house to unwind. I adore them. She's a nurse and he's a fireman/EMT, among other things. But I think of them mostly as The Nurse and The FireGuy.

On Friday, we made the 3 hr drive up to Vermont to attend Larry's viewing. He was cremated so there was, thankfully, no casket. Just his ashes, some flowers and a ton of pictures. My mother-in-law was there and doing amazingly well. Larry's brother and sister-in-law were up from Boston. Future ex was there. And then we got there.

Paying respects is never a cake walk to begin with. I walked in wondering just exactly how I was being included or excluded. I was very afraid of those possibilities. I should have known better. Future ex can be a real moron but this event transcends the day to day idiocies. He was gracious and very much like his former self I used to love a lot. My mother-in-law included me in the family pictures and the obit. That last bit floored me. I loved it. It meant so much to me. I was secretly thrilled to see that I was in so many of the pictures up on the mounted collage. The whole extended in-law family was just glad I was there and welcomed me thusly. They rock, those people.

We all went out to a family dinner during a break in the viewing. The Nurse, The FireGuy and I were all included. It wasn't even a question. I love that. The Nurse, while being future ex's sister, is not Larry's daughter. But he always tried to include her and her family in his life. So my mother-in-law introduced her to everyone as her step-daughter. I thought that was really sweet and very cool.

The funeral was Saturday afternoon. The Nurse, The FireGuy and I all decided that Larry would have wanted us to go into Montpelier early and generate the economy. So we did. Apparently, Larry wanted me to buy a really cool silver ring, a cute black short-sleeved baby-doll top and a killer sleeveless multi-colored top that could be a dress for a more daring girl. I was happy to oblige the imaginary posthumous wishes of my father-in-law. Oh yes, he also wanted us to have Ben & Jerry's ice cream but it was just crazy cold and we couldn't bring ourselves to do it.

The funeral was amazing. It was held in the church that I believe they had many of their AA meetings in. It was almost full. I have to tell you that this fact showed just how little I knew my in-laws. I knew they had their friends around town. I knew they knew most everyone. But I hadn't understood the strong bonds they had forged. And the HUGE impact they have had on that town. At the funeral, the family was allowed to step up to a microphone and say a few words. Mother-in-law did, future ex did, Boston Uncle did as did all his kids. And then I did. I may be stepping back a bit into the shadows of being an "ex". But not quietly.

I didn't say half the things I intended. I was able to say how Larry and I had pushed each other's buttons. How he had been a giant pain in my ass (yes, in those words...in a church - but anyone who knew him laughed). And how I had returned the favor. I also mentioned his incredible generosity. How, at one time, he had been my confidant and best friend. And how, in the end, we had one last conversation (timed by God's own hand) to set things right between us. I ended up crying through most of my statement. Yah. That not-pretty crying while I talk thing. Nice. I'm sure it would have made Larry laugh.

But it wasn't so much the family statements that impressed me. After we finished, the pastor opened it up to anyone. And they came. Old timers. A 20-something kid. It spanned the whole age line. Person after person got up and just floored me. They talked about this caring, sensitive, empathetic, gentle bear. Many were AA folks - fellow addicts taking each day at a time. But many had been inspired by someone like Larry getting sober. And that was huge. Larry was a hard-core drinker. An ugly drunk. He got sober after his doctor told him he'd die if he kept it up. One guy said he heard about Larry getting sober and he thought, well, if Larry can do it, I can. Then he went on to say he'd been sober for 25 yrs and Larry had saved his life. Almost every single story had us all cracking up at one point or another. Larry was a character and a very funny guy, amongst all of his other traits.

We heard stories about how this man I thought of as a giant ball of grump would visit someone every day in their store to make sure they were ok. If someone was down, he was there. If someone was worried, lonely, hurting, whatever - Larry was there. I couldn't really reconcile the stories I was hearing with my own personal experiences. But then again...I kind of could.

So it made me think about this: a prophet is never accepted in his own home town. We were his family. We were too close to the baggage, the history, the pain, the ugly. Unfortunately, for some of us, that defined what we knew of Larry, with nicer bits filling the gaps. But to the outsiders in Larry's life, he was able to transcend his uglier start and fulfill his potential as a loving nurturing person. It's tragic that sometimes it's your own family that just can't allow you to move up and over your mistakes.

That funeral was a gift from God. To me, anyway. I was forced to look at Larry in a whole new light. I've been spending many moments since asking God to take away any resentment I had toward the man. To help me to truly and wholly forgive him for the hurts I may perceive he did me. It's a hard thing. I imagine I may have to work a while on this one.

I talked to future ex about this today. He agreed. Funerals trigger that selective memory. As they should. What good does it do anyone to stand around bitching about the dearly departed? We all collectively celebrated the goodness Larry did in his life. And really, celebrated his victory over that dark addiction. But future ex and I are wondering how it will hit the people that felt hurt by Larry. When the selective memory fades and the hurts are still there - how will they wrestle them down? I know I won't wrestle them. I'll keep turning them over to God and asking for forgiveness for my unforgiveness. I'm not sure how future ex will deal with them.

Anyway. Larry was much more amazing than I ever knew. That actually makes me sad. That I missed out on that. It wasn't all my fault. I get that. He really was a pill to me and future ex for years. Even sober, lots of people still screw up with their own families. But I'm just glad to know that he was able to be such an amazing man. And to help so many people. What a gift - to have walked his hell and retain a soft heart for addicts. I personally have very little patience for them. For many reasons. Which is why I'm glad people like Larry and mother-in-law exist. To smack me upside my judgmental head and remind me that addicts deserve love and patience just like any other idiot (include me in that last lot).

It was both nice and annoying to watch future ex get so much support and love from everyone. Any person deserves that kind of unconditional love when they lose a significant loved one. Especially a parent. But the part of me that still struggles against hating him...that part of me rankled at his special treatment. The bitch in me wanted to scream at them all, "What are you coddling this idiot for?! Do you know what he's DONE?!!!!" Fortunately for me, I was raised a smidge better than that. And I pray a lot. I think God will be working on my anger for quite a while yet.

Bottom line: Larry's funeral was truly the way it should be done. With lots of love and lots of laughter.

That's about it. That's all I can write at the moment.

Still in New England

Thanks for the sweet notes everyone. I just got down to Hartford today. Drove from NH today - through some amazing fog. Got here early and had a nice walk around downtown. I have 3 days of classes here and then will head back to TX on Thursday.

I'll tell you more later. But Grandpa Larry's funeral this past Saturday was awesome. I love when a funeral is a real celebration of how someone has affected so many people's lives. It was not morose on any level. Made me ashamed to have not really known that side of him. There was a lot of love there. I'm glad I was a part of it.

Anyway, I have to head to bed. I have no idea what these classes will entail so I better get some sleep in case it actually requires brain use.

Love you all.

Grandpa Larry

*sigh*

This is so surreal. My father-in-law died this afternoon. My sister-in-law called me as we waited at the barber for haircuts. He had taken a turn for the worse. They had stopped "heroic measures" and were now starting "comfort measures." Keep him comfortable while he's with us. Future ex didn't know yet - he was still on his way home from work.

I packed the boys back into the car and told them we're going to see daddy. "Why?" Yes, we don't go see daddy in the middle of the week. "Well, grandpa isn't doing well." Dumb of me. They have three living grandpas still. They assumed it was MY dad. "Then why are we going to see DAD?" So I explain which grandpa and I start preparing them telling them that Grandpa Larry is not doing well at all. And this means he could die. "Oh." So I told them we'll go be there for daddy.

I called future ex and left him a message saying the boys and I were coming down to Austin and would he like to go to dinner. He called back and sounded psyched to see the boys. Ugh. He asked why we were coming in to Austin. Oh we just wanted a drive, says I.

The whole way down, I just prayed. Praying for Nana Linda. Praying for Grandpa Larry. Praying for future ex. Talking to God saying things like, "I totally don't get what you're doing here. I'm really looking for one of those really big miracles here, ok? Just be with Linda. Just make Larry ok." I keep thinking this huge healing will be some kind of life changing event for everyone and they'll all see God is real. Or actually, I think it was more selfish than that. Sure the man majorly pissed me off by funding a lawyer for future ex a while back. But come on. He's my father-in-law. For many years, I considered him one of my best friends. I used to call him all the time and talk to him about all sorts of stuff. I confided amazing amounts of stuff to this man. He had a unique world view that couldn't be found in anyone else. He was gruff, grumpy, a giant pain in the ass at times. But he loved his son with a ferocity. And in turn, he loves MY two sons with an even greater ferocity. So yah God, I want this man around. I just don't understand the timing of all of this.

So the whole drive down, I'm still thinking this will just be a lot of emotional drama but he'll pull through somehow.

We pulled up to future ex's apartment complex. I told the boys, look, don't mention Grandpa because I'm not sure daddy knows yet. Let daddy tell us. When future ex opened the door, he was still in his jacket, he was on the phone and his eyes were red and puffy. Yah. He knew. But *I* didn't know.

He hung up and said, "Come here." That's when he told me his dad had just died. Hand to the mouth - gasp! Impossible! I just prayed the whole way down here!! This man - this force in our lives - he can't be dead. I mean, honestly, just three weeks ago, was it? Three weeks ago we find out it might be cancer. And he's DEAD? This is insanity.

You think stupid things when life gets weird. You think things like, maybe I didn't pray sincerely enough because my prayers were tainted with my own emotional baggage. Thankfully I have people with brains around me to remind me that the God I serve doesn't work that way. I'm not sure why this is happening right now. It's part of the mystery of life, eh?

Well, I was glad I was there. When things like this happen, they tend to put the whole dumb divorce thing in perspective. I was there to comfort him. And my boys. We were able to tell the boys together - as a family. The way it should be done. Lil' Bro is 4. He doesn't get it. He's wide eyed and has that kind of hidden smile you get when you know something is very serious but you feel kind of like laughing anyway but you know you can't. Pokemon Boy seemed to understand the gravity of it but it didn't touch him because he hasn't see Grandpa Larry since 2005. So future ex and I sat there talking with the boys nearby. And then it hit Pokemon Boy. The floodgates opened. I knew they would. He is the sensitive one. He's intuitive and empathetic. He has memories of Larry. He knows this is his dad's dad. He saw his dad cry and me cry. He got it. And he let it out. Lil' Bro found other things to distract him while Pokemon Boy let it out and let me fold him up on my lap. I'm glad we were all four there.

After the shock had some time to settle in and get us all numb, we all decided to go out to eat. So I took future ex somewhere nice but mellow. We all ate. We all supported each other. Pokemon Boy asked me, even though I'm getting divorced, am I still part [his surname]. I told him that even though I go back to using my own last name, I will always be part [his surname] because he's part of me and I'm part of him and that family will always be a part of me. Hopefully that was what he needed to hear.

Anyway, future ex told me he has appreciated all the prayers I've been telling him they've been getting. He really does. I can tell. Maybe this unconditional love he's received from tons of people who, in any other reality, would go out of their way to make his life hell...maybe that's what God is doing here. Maybe that's what future ex will take away. Who knows. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

It's so weird when people are taken from you suddenly. Honestly, I figured Larry would be here for a long time - part of the boys' lives for years. Wow.

I sure am glad I called him when he first was in the hospital and we knew it was pretty serious. I'm glad we had that conversation that cleared the air. My mother-in-law told me he really appreciated that conversation and he felt it put things straight between us. Man, I had no idea how important that one conversation was. Who knew it would be my last one with him. I'm glad I told him I love him. Because I do. And it hurts that he's gone. And it hurts even worse that I have to participate in such an awkward fractured way.

At this point, I plan to head up to the funeral. There's no way that man is leaving this world without me being there. I did ask future ex - I mean, it really is his call at this point. He may be a jerk sometimes but he knows how important Larry is to me. He expects me to be there. Good. Because I'd really hate to have to pummel a man who just lost his father.

So that's today. I'm numb. And terribly sad. And full of things I'm feeling I could have done differently. I hate that part.

12-28-2003 - Grandpa Larry meets 6-day-old Lil' Bro

Trish's Bloggy Smack Down And Other Thoughts I Thinked

Trish's Bloggy Smack Down:
It seems that Trish, in all her cold medicine stupor, threw down some kind of gauntlet in her last post. Apparently, my recent poke at pageant moms has stirred up the Baton Twirling Lioness in Trish. I hear bookies from coast to coast are already figuring the odds on our next confrontation. It really is hard to know who would meatloaf whom when you pit amazing hair, the perfect husband, a dog with questionable breeding, a savage sense of style, Baton Twirling and fringe against a voice that needs no microphone, cynical divorce humor, a larger than average head, two wikkid adorable boys and a great dye job. Who would win. Who...would...win.

Trish, you're out of your head with cold meds and antibiotics. I forgive you. But really, that post was funny as hell. Meatloaf indeed.

My New Favorite Singer In The Entire Universe:
Holy guaca-freakin'-mole. I sent out an email to all of my Christian and/or musical friends asking them to list their favorite God/worship songs. I'm rather new to this whole Christian music scene. Well, newly returned, I should say. I left that kind of music behind in the late 80's. The players (most of them) have changed. And I don't know much of anything beyond regular rotation on KLOVE or what they sing in my church (the majority of which are Vineyard songs). I love all of that stuff. LOVE it. But I just don't know all that's out there.

Well my pastor (who is a youngster - well, younger than me) sent me a song for my list - 'How He Loves Us' by John Mark McMillan. First off, I found John's version out on YouTube where he explains how he wrote it the day after his best friend died. The story is very involved but extremely moving and inspiring. He talks about how he wants this song to start a youth movement. Oh it can. I have no doubt of that. Then he sings it, starting out in tears. Gah! I was crying. But the version my pastor sent me is by a woman Kim Walker. Good GRAVY people. This girl is stellar. Talk about God's gift to singers! And let me tell you, I've mentioned before I'm a vocal snob. So I don't toss praise around lightly. This girl has the CHOPS. Chops straight from God, dudes.

I have listened to this song multiple times every day since the good pastor sent me the link. I've had to reboot my machine often because multiple plays of YouTube tend to clog its arteries or something. Today I finally went to iBethel and ordered the CD that this song version is from. I also ordered Kim's solo CD. I'm also thrilled to see she is going to play in Dallas in May. Hear that Kendra? I'll be planning a trip up to see you. And I will drag you and Monica to see this girl!

Anyway, here's the video. She starts out low and kind of mellow. To the point I thought, "Ok, this is nice but..." But wait for it. Man, when it kicks in, WHEW! I heard this for the first time around midnight while I was researching songs for that music project I mentioned. I stopped everything. I just leaned back in my chair and was blown away. I wanted to just stand up in my office and start worshipping. Not sure why I didn't except that my shades were up and figured my neighbors might think I'd been drinking. *Kidding* Anyway, I hope you like it.


I hope God gets your blood pumping with this song as much as mine is right now listening to it as I type this.

And As For My Song List:
Oh, and as for my song list: right now I have 17 really strong inspirational songs. I keep hearing more. Heard about 3 off Mandisa's CD today that would be amazing to do. Almost everything I hear lately seems to inspire me. I'm going to end up with a list of like 952 songs I want this new project to do. But I figure, I'll keep compiling the list and then get the cast of characters pulled together and see which ones they get excited about.

So, if you have any songs that particularly move you, let me know. This project will be putting the message of God out there. It won't be my formerly watered down version of faith. I won't mince words. But I am totally open to secular songs that totally point me to God. I have a couple on my list so far. But if it has moved you and/or it totally rocks out and/or has an amazing rhythm and/or killer harmonies, let me know about it!

Rock on, my wonderful friends. Rock on.

Shrinkage:
I didn't walk today. In stead, I drove to Office Depot and got ink for my printer. Then I went to the Family Christian Store 2 doors down and got Mandisa's CD, a MercyMe CD and a Newsboys CD. But I will walk again. Oh I will be walking.