No Missing Teeth

Quick update: The Boy still has the same number of teeth today that he had yesterday. So that's cool. His lip is still swollen a whole 24 hrs later. It's slightly bruised, too. That one tooth that took the brunt of the fall? It's loose. So he has two loose teeth - one naturally and one not-so-naturally. The gum where his missing front teeth are is totally bruised and dark purple. I'm hoping that his permanent tooth that is still up there didn't get damaged by this fall.

Face Plants, GodTube and Teachers

Today's Tourette's Tidbit - Oh it's been broughten!
When your kid is a genius, you have to measure everything that you casually toss out of your mouth. I don't know why I haven't learned this in the 7+ years I've been a mom. But the point was very calmly made by The Boy at dinner tonight.

I was at Luby's with my parents and kids tonight (kids eat free on Wednesdays - I am officially a dorky mom). A fun dinner out after a long day of unpacking (just chipping the tip of the unpacking iceberg...gack!). I was telling my mom about a long phone conversation I had earlier with The Boy's teacher. I was trying to tell my mom that I had mentioned to the teacher that The Boy had Tourette's. I was trying to tell my mom in a way that didn't insult The Boy since he believes that he doesn't have Tourette's any more. And I'm more than happy to let him believe that because, hey, it's hardly there. Why worry? I think I said something like, "...so I told her that The Boy used to have Tourette's," (insert knowing sly smile which mom understood). I went on to tell mom that the teacher had mentioned that she saw no signs of Tourette's and I was happy about that.

Well, I was all pleased and smug with how clever I had been in telling my mom in such an unoffensive way. Yah. Well, I keep forgetting that The Boy is not ordinary like me. He very calmly informed my mother and me that he would like us to not discuss Tourette's in front of him any more. Because, when we do, it makes him think about it and he feels like his tics want to start.

Doh! So I said, ok...good to know. It's a deal, ok? He was fine with that and went on eating his multi-colored Jello. I felt like a dork. But I also found that some very interesting bit of information. If I just stop mentioning it or pointing it out, would that help? I mean, if the tics are hardly noticeable, am I keeping the symptoms alive by talking about it? I've always wanted to just talk about it like it was no big deal so he would see that it's nothing to be ashamed of and it was just a normal thing to discuss, etc. Best of intentions. Well, we'll see. I will honor his request. And I will continue to ask God to control and eliminate the Tourette's. Here's to praying big!

Face Plants
So when we returned from Luby's, the boys were surprised to find a new kitchen table in our house. It's actually very old. I believe it predates me. And I'm old. But in the fun divorce game I like to call, "who gets what", future ex has gotten our nice (but small) kitchen set. So I got the kitchen table I grew up with. Man, that table has had LOTS of kids lovin' on it. I have colored my fingernails and who knows what else with markers on that table. I have dyed Easter eggs on that table. I have deep fried donuts on that table. I have blown out myriads of birthday candles on that table. But enough of the table. This is about face plants.

Well, The Boy was very excited about the new table. And since I had moved the chairs out of the way for a while, there was lots of extra room in the kitchen. Well, what else is an open space for than to spin? So The Boy was spinning around, on tile, with socks. I turned just in time to see his feet go out from under him and his face take the brunt of the fall. Oh man, it was awful. For one second, I thought, ok, maybe it's not that bad. But then the crying started. And it's that cry where you KNOW it's not fake. His mouth was very bloody. His upper inner lip was shredded and bloody. I still can't tell if any teeth will be casualties. He told me his bite feels off. I'm hoping it's just from the pain and swelling. But it feels an awful lot like a repeat performance of spring 2005 - when he face planted on asphalt at our Boston church and ended up losing his two top front teeth. And it took surgery at Children's Hospital in Boston to fully extract them.

I dosed him with ibuprofen, iced it and sent him to bed. We'll see if his bite is still off in the morning. If so, we'll be visiting the doctor in stead of helping my parents unpack more. Good times. Good times.

GodTube - Who Knew?
Ok, am I the only one who had no idea GodTube existed? I'm not addicted to YouTube but I've been sent enough links to understand it's general workings. Well, Kristen sent me a link to some one's blog that had this GodTube video embedded. I have to tell you, if almost anyone else had sent it to me, I would have deleted it and kept working. But Kristen rarely sends stuff like that (for which I'm immensely thankful). So I figured I better check it out.

First off, it was a video on GodTube. Yes, I'm a God-person. But I still have a huge cynical streak in me that smirks at God-ish knock offs of anything. So I initially thought, "GodTube? Are you kidding me? Bunch of dorks." Yes, I'm a sweet girl. Secondly, when the video started, it was a movement-oriented skit. No spoken words. Interpretive dance-ish type things done to a cool Christian song. So the second set of rolling eyes. But wait, it came from Kristen so there's got to be something to this. Oh and there IS. The blog said, if you can just make it to the end, they thought I'd think it was worthwhile. Holy freakin' guacamole! It is very worthwhile. Trish said the same thing - if it had been sent by anyone else, she would have trashed it. And she dislikes interpretive dance even more than me! So here is a link (I hate embedding stuff in my blog). And it has rave reviews from Kristen, Trish and ME. I have watched it like 10 times so far. You may all come back and ask me what I'm smoking. But let me tell you, the images keep replaying in my head.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

More God-Sent Teachers
I mentioned above that I had a long talk with The Boy's teacher today. She called because he had a loose tooth that was bothering him - this is pre-face-plant. It was bothering him to the point of him being upset and he insisted that his mom could probably do something about it. Other than tell him it will be fine, I could not.

After calming The Boy down on the phone, I got back on with his wonderful teacher. She raved about his reading, spelling, logic, math, etc. I tried to explain to her that all of that has very little to do with anything his father or I have done with him at home. It really is just one of his gifts God doled out to him. He is a lazy parent's dream! I don't have to hound him to read his 20 minutes a night. He's usually devouring some book or other anyway. In kindergarten, he used to just read his children's dictionary for fun. If he's into a subject, he'll read any book or anything that even mentions the subject. Currently, it's dinosaurs. But he has read multiple books on Saturn, space, weather, birds, I can't even think of what else. So it's not like I'm can take much more credit than taking him to Barnes & Noble when he begs me to.

Anyway, when she mentioned how upset he was about his loose tooth, I said, well, I never know when something is really bothering him or when it's just a manifestation of his Tourette's. She hasn't had a chance to read through all of the forms on each kid yet so she hadn't known about his TS. She asked me if there was anything special she needed to know or do. I filled her in about how he can fixate on things. I gave her a quick rundown of his diagnosis - Tourette's with co morbid anxiety issues and obsessive compulsive tendencies. We discussed what she might see and how she might handle it. Then, when discussing his off-the-charts smarts, she said, "I'm going to start finding things to challenge [The Boy]." I didn't even have to ask. I love her. Did I mention that?

I have to tell you, I have been so busy with things lately, I hadn't even taken the time to obsessively pray for the perfect teacher for The Boy. Last Thursday, when we were heading to the school to meet The Boy's teachers, I realized this and thought, "Oh no! I didn't pray for the perfect teacher! He'll have some horribly unengaged teacher who doesn't give a crap about kids!" So I quickly asked God to somehow set things straight and please please please give The Boy the perfect teacher for him. See, this is just one of many reasons why I love God. He just totally rocks. I'm sure he hand picked her before I realized I had forgotten to pester him about it in the first place! He knew I'd be asking. I had probably thought about it in one of my half-asleep kind-of-prayer times. And boom! He delivers. Yet again.

She finished our conversation by telling me how she couldn't wait to see how this year went because he's in her class. Could any mother ask for anything more?

Moms Just Don't Get It

Today's Tourette's Tidbit - Observation
Today was The Boy's first day of 2nd grade. The shock of realizing I have a 2nd grader could fuel a whole other blog. Something like, "Where the heck did my baby go??!!"

Our town is growing way faster than the highways or schools can keep up with. As a result, our development was rezoned and our elementary kids are going to a different school this year. And only for this year. Next year, we'll have our own elementary school to over fill.

So last Thursday was the Meet & Greet at the school. The Boy and I went to meet his new teacher. I had been wanting to introduce him to the counselor to make sure she knew she had a new Tourette's kid in her school. The introduction would bring him to her attention and make her a known friendly entity to The Boy. So we walk up to the counselor's table and I make introductions. I said something like, "I just wanted you to meet The Boy because he has Tourette's." The Boy - without missing a beat - says, "No I don't." It was an embarrassed denial or anything. It was just a statement of fact. He feels he doesn't have Tourette's any more. Why doesn't his mom get that? I love that. So the counselor keeps right in step with him, looks him in the eye and says, "I bet you don't. But it's great to meet you," and gives me a knowing smile. I love her already. And she's one of about 3 people The Boy remembers from that meet & greet night.

I went ahead and signed a permission form to allow her to talk to The Boy. We went to his classroom, met his teacher - who ROCKS - and some other kids in his class. The Boy went right into make-as-many-friends-in-30-seconds-as-you-can mode. It was awesome. I hadn't been too worried. But you just never know how bouncing around different schools will hit him.

So today, he got on the bus today all excited. No apprehension. No worried look. No tics that I could see. I have no doubt today has been a good school day!

...And in other news...
My parents should be here any minute. They're in my town, stopping for lunch. So they should be ringing the doorbell any minute!!! WOOOO-HOOOOO!!!

I went to bed SO sore last night. I went to their house, sprayed their lawn with stuff to kill the weeds, sprayed their flower beds with anti-fungal stuff, vacuumed their house (extermination left lots of little dead bugs on the floors), swept their front porch....that's about it. And you know, hauling that huge hose around was hard work. But pushing my Dyson around their brand new beautiful plush carpet? THAT killed me. It's brand new fluffy plush gorgeous rug stuff. The vacuum was like, uh, where's that totally stomped down cheapo carpet I'm used to just running right over???

I felt OOOOOOLD when I got home. I dosed up the ibuprofen and got the VIP suite ready for mom & dad. They deserve to be pampered. Dad is almost 80. He should get the master bedroom and bathroom. So I cleaned it up, put on fresh sheets, put out fresh towels, etc. I got all of my junk into my office. I made up the spare twin mattress and had a nice little camp out in my office last night. Fun stuff.

So I can't wait to see my parents. Those poor tired wonderful people. They must be ready to drop. And drop they can. In their newly cleaned VIP suite!

My Baby Cousin Had a Baby!!!

I am late in posting about this. But my baby cousin on my mom's side (ie - she's the youngest of all the cousins in my generation) had her first baby this past week!!!

Please feel free to go and tell Monica how gorgeous her little girl Annie is. And if you want all the details and to see a bursting with pride sister/aunt, you can visit the blog of my other cousin Kendra - Monica's proud big sister and new aunt to little Annie.

So the extended Hawkins clan is now the EXPANDED Hawkins clan!!! WOOOO-HOOOO!!!!

That is all. You may go about your business now.

More Frivolity - Movie Quote Generator

I love anything that combines movies quotes and my name. Therefore, I love this Movie Quote Generator site. You go there and put your name in the little Word: box to the left. Here is my movie quote for today:

I could dance with you 'til the Tourette's Mom come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the Tourette's Mom 'til you came home.

Which movie was this quote from?

Duck Soup (1933)
(the missing word was 'cows')

I'm a dork but I love the Marx brothers. They blow the moronic Three Stooges out of the water. So there's my frivolity for today.

Today's Tourette's Tidbit
I've been interested in the apparent connection between Tourette's tics and candida. Candida is the yeast that occurs naturally in our bodies. When it gets out of control due to antibiotics, bad American diets or any other cause, it can wreak havoc. I had a problem with it back in the late 90's because of a 30 year regimen of maintenance antibiotics to fight bladder infections (I have 1 kidney so they were trying to avoid infections). When candida becomes out of control, it can actually cause bacterial infections. So in the late 90's, I basically lived with a bladder infection about once a month. I got every bronchial infection that blew through town. I got ever sinus infection, as well. I was sick so often that most of my vacation time was used as sick days.

In 1999, I got help in the form of a great acupuncturist and his staff. They radically changed my nutritional intake (ie - bagged the American sugar-based diet) and gave me 2 to 3 acupuncture treatments a week for about 2 years. It took a while but I lost 25 lbs without changing my exercise habits, I was able to stay antibiotic-free for quite a few years. I stopped getting bladder infections, bronchial infections, sinus infections, stomach bugs, flu, colds. I mean, I would get maybe one malady a year.

When I first started trying to read everything there is on the web about Tourette's, one of the first things I noticed was quite a few articles on how many doctors feel that high levels of candida in the body can increase the severity of tics.

Dr. Bruce Semon has a short article (http://www.candidafree.net/resource_36.htm) that explains how the yeast may affect the chemicals in the brain. One could see how that might exacerbate the tics.

Another nutritional website (http://www.nutrition4health.org/nohanews/NNF06TicsAnd%20Tourettes.htm) mentions how some people have dealt with their family member's Tourette's with alternatives to mainstream western medicine. It mentions candida specifically.

There is one article I can't find that I read last year when The Boy was first diagnosed. It was by a doctor who documented a young man's case of Tourette's. His tics had gotten so severe that it made day to day living and social interaction near impossible. The doctor put him on an anti-candida diet and oral doses of nystatin. I remember reading that his tics were incredibly diminished. If I find that article, I'll put a link here later.

As part of my treatment back in 1999 & 2000, I was put on an anti-candida diet. It was the hardest thing I've ever done - I mean to really do it. You can find it out on the web in many forms but most are pretty similar. It's no processed sugar, no white flour, no fermented products (so there goes alcohol & vinegar - try finding foods without vinegar!), no yeast, no fungus (ie - mushrooms and be wary of foods that naturally have mold). They also took me off any carbonated beverages - no soda, no sparkling water. There's more to it. They put me on a very balanced diet, as well. I can tell you I have never felt healthier than those years I did that diet hard core. But it's hard to do in America.

The Boy was raised on an organic, anti-candida diet pretty hard-core until he was two. After that, he had very little processed sugar. Once he was off antibiotics - around the age of 4, we let him eat what he wanted. But since he was raised on very little sugar and lots of veggies and fruits as treats, he still eats amazingly well to this day. I am wondering if we unwittingly helped keep his Tourette's at bay or kept it less severe. I'd like to hope so.

I'll post more a little later. The boys just got home so I need to go be mommy.

I Heart Picture Phones

I meant to put this on my last post. But forgot. My stylist (The Boy) recently picked out a new phone for me. I heart my new red Samsung M500 picture phone. It's my first picture phone. And I'll take a picture of anything. I'm a newbie. Forgive me.

But the best thing about the picture phone is being able to shoot an adorable picture of my kids and send it off to my sister, my boss, their dad, whoever else I might think adores my children. It's a fun thing to get on your phone - totally out of the blue. A fun picture from someone you love.

Here are two pictures I took of the boys at our favorite Luby's restaurant.










Then of course, you get bored in the car while waiting for your son in counseling. And you do things like this:

Frivolity Is Necessary

Today's Tourette's Tidbit (Observation):
The other day, we noticed The Boy doing his Spidey Hands thing that I've mentioned before. It's nothing huge and nothing anyone else would probably even notice. But I'm always curious when an old tic returns. I've been hearing a lot of audible tics lately. Little grunts and short moans. Again, nothing anyone else would even notice. But I'm wondering why after so many weeks of almost nothing. I've been letting him stay home from camp this week. He's good at entertaining himself - reading, computer time, keyboard & singing, TV. But I also wonder if the lack of outside stimulation has anything to do with it. Also, I've recently given him kid's Sudafed a few times - against my own better judgment. It's just so hard to listen to the nasal congestion and discomfort. I've read theories about stimulants really kicking tics in gear. I've even heard the urban legends of how certain meds with stimulants in them cause Tourette's. I'm not a believer in this - but I'm still open to the possibility. I think Tourette's is in your genes or it isn't. Some people have symptoms that are evident and some live never knowing they have it. I think certain stimulants can trigger the beginning of tics. But I'm not going to make my kid suffer if the meds aren't obviously hurting him. It's a tough call. All last year, I gave him nothing with pseudoephedrine because of my concerns of how it might enhance his Tourette's. The kid suffered the WORST sinus congestion and it was horrible. I just can't do that to him again.

Anyway, my rambling here is just to say that I've seen an increase in The Boy's tics and am not sure if it's his boredom or the meds or something else completely.

Frivolity Is Necessary:
We need a little frivolity in our lives. Don't you think? Well, I had to try Simpsonizing myself when I saw JenKneeBee try it! So I went to the SimpsonizeMe site and made myself into a cartoon. Granted, they allow you to select body types that are more true to my girth. But this is frivolity, remember? So in the Simpson's world, I'm slim. Get over it. I also gave myself a nose ring when I actually where a teeny tiny nose stud. But the nose studs looked like zits. I don't need zits in my alternate universe.

Quick Update: No More Keck

Don't have time for a long post. Lil Bro stayed home with me today and did fine. Ate normally and was energetic. Makes me wonder what he picked up at the many public outings he attends. Also reminds me that both my boys have less than stellar immune systems. Need to get those multi-vitamins going consistently.

My sister-in-law's mother died early this morning. It is sad to lose someone so long connected to their lives. But it's a case of God's mercy to finally take her home. She has suffered horribly for many many years. We are glad she isn't in pain any more. I know God is taking care of my sister-in-law and my nieces & nephew right now.

Must.....sleep....

Counseling and Keck

Today's Tourette's Tidbit - Observations

Today, The Boy went to his play therapist. We love his therapist. ML rocks. He's a Christian counselor who, I believe, specializes in children's play therapy. The Boy actually gets very upset if we have to miss sessions with him.

Today, ML verified that he feels The Boy is making all sorts of progress (this was noted by his psychiatrist a couple of weeks back). His social interactions are within normal parameters - that's according to the non-scientific mom here. I mean, the few things I'm aware of are things you would see with other children who have never been diagnosed with anything more severe than a cold.

The thing I'm excited about is, ML feels I am a candidate for filial play therapy. According to aHealth.com, "Filial therapy is an alternative method for treating emotionally disturbed children in which the parent is used as an ally in the therapeutic process." ML explained that he would train me. He warned me it is exhausting and takes dedication and lots of energy. I guess it can be very difficult for the parent to learn to do play therapy because you have to detach yourself from the parental role. As the parent, you'll want to direct, analyze, question, etc. The whole point of non-directive play therapy is to allow the child to do pretty much anything in play in order to express their emotions through the objects with which they are most familiar and comfortable - toys. ML has explained enough to me so that I know that seemingly simple play actions can carry all sorts of messages, red flags, or emotions that the children don't even know they're having. It really is amazing.

ML said that he can't suggest this to every parent. A potential candidate parent must be a very present parent. This made me laugh inside because, lately, with how wrapped up I've been in my own stupid problems, I haven't felt very present for The Boy or Lil Bro. But thankfully, ML sees beyond my immediate situation and knows that I would do anything for these boys. The added benefit is, if I learn how to do this, I can also do it with Lil Bro. I haven't gotten Lil Bro into therapy because A) I've been assuming (and praying) that he doesn't need it and B) I don't have the money to put 2 boys in therapy every week. I am counting on God to minimize the risk here.

So I'm going to try to get into the next series of classes ML will offer. I love thinking I might be able to participate in The Boy's therapy. It's very hard to send them behind closed doors where you can only know little tidbits. It's a hard trust to have.

...And now on to the Keck part...

I just got a kick out of the word "keck". I was looking up synonyms for "vomit". That one caught my eye. It really describes more of a nausea or attempt at throwing up rather than actual vomiting. But what a fun word!

Just a fun little bit of my day:

Lil Bro went to day care today as normal. I heard no reports of anything odd when we picked him up. He was energetic and playful. When his father dropped him off (he was with daddy while I took The Boy to counseling), he asked for pancakes. The Boy made himself a sandwich so I mixed up some pancakes for the wee little man. As I was about to flip the 4th one, I went to the couch to ask Lil Bro if he wanted jelly on them. He informed me he didn't want them. What?! I just made them for you (slaving to pour the mix & water into a bowl and cooking four whole pancakes!!!). His answer was, "But I have a cough." Right. Note to self: If you have a cough, evidently you are not able to eat pancakes. I said, [Lil Bro], you can eat pancakes if you have a cough (in my "you silly boy" voice). At that, he decided to demonstrate. So he gives a coupe of the fakest little coughs I've ever heard - hand up to his mouth. And then it began. The Font Du Vomit. I mean, it was just SURPRISE! Puke everywhere - all over him, all over the couch! I grabbed him, ran to the small bathroom, placed him in front of the toilet and let it run its course.

Honestly, I have to tell you, I have NO idea how all that came out of him FIT in him in the first place. Have you ever seen the cherry pit vomit scene in The Witches of Eastwick? It's just what came to mind. Or any Saturday Night Live fake vomit scene I've ever seen. It just looked fake. Like a giant hose was attached to the side of his face and I just couldn't see it. It was amazing. The stuff of movies. I wouldn't have believed it had I not been standing there trying to not wretch myself. Oh the smell. Gah! The poor little guy took it like a pro. I have held the hair of much wimpier puking adults, let me tell you. He would just stand there, gasping for breath and then turn his face back to the toilet and GRAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! Then he'd stand straight and gulp a few more breaths. The poor kid had it coming out of his NOSE. Aren't you all just loving my descriptive nature right about now?

Now, as I stood there watching my puke covered toddler, thinking about the puddle soaking in to my nice micro-fiber couch, knowing I needed to strip the soaked clothes from him once he was done and get him into a bath...that whole "I really hate being a single mom" feeling crept in. Future ex had just left for a walk around our development (his hotel isn't in a good walking area). I could probably catch him and make him live up to all of those promises of "Look, if one of the kids starts throwing up in the middle of the night - I don't care what time - you call me and I'll be there." Ok superman. Put your money where the puke is. So I called his cell. No answer. A few choice swears. Run back to check on puking toddler. Tell puking toddler to stay in the bathroom even though Sponge Bob is still on the TV. Call future ex again - no answer. Run stick a note saying "I need help! Don't leave!!!" on his windshield and curse the volume on his MP3 player.

Well, I peeled the soaked clothes off Lil Bro. I got him into a bath - crying the whole time. I washed him. I dressed him. I rinsed the puke off his clothes and got them in the washer. I was just starting on the couch and then the hero shows up. Yah, thanks for the help, bud. But it was nice to have another helping hand there. He distracted Lil Bro. Comforted him. He helped me clean the couch. He went and got me food (I wasn't cooking after all of that).

So that was my night. I am thanking God for Febreze. And I am thanking him for allowing Lil Bro to hold down ice water and very watered down juice. He had been sitting on the couch, all pale, watching Sponge Bob. I was at the computer and he was talking to me and just stopped. I turned around to find him face down on the couch - sound asleep. I have prayed for a full night's sleep for all of us.

Keck. Ha ha ha! That just makes me giggle.

Another Fun Meme - This One Has Pictures!

Todays Tourette's Tidbit (paraphrased from the TSA website's page on Living With TS)

Symptom Substitution. This is one strategy a person can use if they currently have a tic that they fear might offend, distract or bring unwanted attention. By talking to a doctor or therapist who knows TS well, they can learn how to do this (basically, it involves finding an alternative behavior that satisfies the same urge). For example: say a person has a nose-picking tic—there might be something else they could do with their finger when that urge comes on. With a bit of practice, they can avoid causing offense, even though it might not be possible to stop ticcing altogether.

This is something The Boy's psychiatrist mentioned back when we first received his diagnosis. If his tics get to a point where they bother him, bother those around him, etc, we can work with a play therapist. I believe she said it would be cognitive behavioral therapy. One of the things this therapist would do with The Boy is help him recognize the urges that preceed a tic. If he can feel the urge, he might be able to substitute a more socially acceptable tic. The example she gave me is, if he feels he's about to flail an arm, he might be able to just do his Spidey Hands thing (mentioned in one of my first posts) under the table. It makes total sense and I've heard of successful cases. I keep praying that we never have to deal with this. But as The Boy gets older, our reality may change.


Another fun meme from Stacy, via Sarakastic & Jenkneebee:

This one is fun. The idea is that you take five pictures from http://www.says-it.com/ & create a story out of them. I'm not so sure I got a story but I think you'll find an emerging theme...

Mine begins with a public service announcement that I totally wish really existed


In her divorce-hazed grief, Tourette's Mom finds encouragement from God


So she cut a single with her backup singers Matt Damon, Johnny Depp and Clive Owen


It became a number one hit for weeks - dethroning even Chris Daughtry! Concert sales went through the roof.


Here's a picture from the concert at the Vatican

The Start of Daily TS Tidbits and Other Random Thoughts

I've been annoyed how life has derailed my original intent of this blog. Although, I do have to say that I'm extremely lucky so far in that The Boy has not had Tourette's symptoms or tics that would actually give me much to write about on a daily basis. So yah, thank you God. I'll take it!

But in the interest of imparting information, I've decided to have my daily Tourette's fact or observation. Well, maybe not daily. But each time I post, I'm going to put a fact or observation about Tourette's first. Then I'll move on to whatever minutiae is on my mind at the moment.

Most of my facts will probably come from the virtual cornucopia of information that is the Tourette's Syndrome Association (http://www.tsa-usa.org/). They have been my main source of one-stop-shopping info. But I will also delve out into the webosphere in search of other information.

Today's Tourette's Tidbit (from the TSA site's Fact Sheet page):

Is obscene language (coprolalia) a typical symptom of TS? Definitely not. The fact is that cursing, uttering obscenities, and ethnic slurs are manifested by fewer than 15% of people with TS. Too often, however, the media seize upon this symptom for its sensational effect.

I found this one most interesting. I think those of us who are ignorant about TS (and I would say I was in that group until my son was diagnosed) think of this symptom first when we hear the word "Tourette's". I know that many movies and sitcoms make references to this. I know I've seen comedians burst out with a swear and then joke, "Oh sorry...I have Tourette's!" to big laughs. And I was one of the ones laughing. How funny that it's one of the less common symptoms of Tourette's.

The few people I've encountered with coprolalia didn't yell out swears. One pre-teen would just yell out random words that just weren't appropriate. Not in the politically correct sense. But in the, hey, that doesn't belong there sense. One kid would yell out "Metal!" or "Coffee!" So the whole swearing thing is a rarity. And I often wonder how the mind decides which random words to pick. I imagine it has a lot to do with your environment and experience. Although I have nothing to back that up. Just a hunch.

Now on to more stuff that doesn't matter...

I didn't post for quite a while because I was just too angry. And I'm really sick and tired of hearing and reading my own anger. I'm sure anyone just popping by here is, too. So I'll just Readers' Digest it here for you: Future ex spent a long time with his friends and then with his girlfriend. I got mad. I got raving lunatic mad. I had a nice little emotional meltdown. He got back in town this past Saturday. He's trying to be "helpful" by taking the boys out and such. It's so lovely to have someone take your kids so you can actually have time to....DO HOUSEWORK. Yah. Good times.

But I'm doing much better. God is much more powerful than my own anger. I sang at church on Sunday again. I love singing backups. Harmonies are my favorite. But every single song just spoke to me so powerfully so I was having one of those singing times where I was doing everything in my power not to start crying. I am not a pretty crier. I am not a dainty crier. I can't stand there singing with a single tear rolling down my cheek so that everyone just goes, "Awwww..." and weeps. No, my face scrunches up in the most horrific display. It's impossible to sing in tune when I get like this. So, as a service to my church and humanity in general, I stood there singing and silently praying, "Help me keep it together God! Pull me together!!!" And he did. I was able to truly worship and sing my butt off. One of my friends came up afterwards and said, "You were ROCKIN' that worship, girl!" Which meant she appreciated my sincerity of worship. Not that I was jumping around and crowd surfing.

That's about all I have. I'm not very creative today. And I must go pick up the wee one from day care. The Boy is having one on one time with his daddy. So I must go distract the wee one.

And Now For Something Completely Different

Honestly, even *I* can't take that much whining and moping in one week. So let's get back to some happy stuff ok?

My beautiful friend Kristen posted some amazing thoughts on unanswered prayer. I'll write more about why it hit home but first I'll tell you a bit about why I love Kristen.

Why I Love Kristen And Am Amazed She Ever Put Up With Me:
I've been lucky enough to be her friend since she started dating a friend back in 1996. I feel like she's been in my life much longer than that. We are very different but have some interesting parallels in life. When we met, I felt like a retarded puppy on acid compared to her calm poise. Her quiet shy nature would make me panic. I would respond to this panic by talking more - must...fill...empty...space. I would just start babbling nonsense and would just keep going. It was like, the intelligent me would stand outside my body, watching in horror as I nervously vomited my verbal diarrhea. My intelligent outside self would silently yell, "Shut UP! Stop talking! Seriously just stop talking!!!" Which would make the retarded puppy on acid self start yammering more. Maybe to Kristen it wasn't all that bad. Maybe she recalls these same interludes as, "Wow that girl sure can talk!" But to me, it's horrifying. It's how I react to most shy quiet people. I panic. I'm so afraid that my silly outgoing personality will put them off, I think I overdo it by trying to be overly friendly and it just comes out like something from a really bad Seinfeld episode.

For some reason, the retarded puppy on acid (R.P.O.A.) never put Kristen totally off. She'd still come hang out with our group of friends - even knowing the R.P.O.A. would be there. I never noticed her suddenly remembering she left something in the other room when I'd come near. She befriended the R.P.O.A. and tamed me. I finally became comfortable enough with her to bring it down a notch to just a retarded puppy.

Kristen and our other friend Alicia (the one who braved church with me in 2005) were some of the only friends in my life who supported me when I tried to better myself. When I quit smoking, they were there cheering me on and encouraging our other friends not to smoke around me. When I had to radically change my nutrition for 2 years, they would make sure to prepare dishes I could eat. And that was no easy feat. They, along with my other pal Sooz, organized and threw a giant baby shower for me when I was preggo with The Boy. They both chauffeured a no-car, pregnant me around to all my appointments. They both drove our new expanded family to all the post-partum & pediatric appointments. They babysat The Boy & Lil Bro for no pay. They babysat The Boy while we did the hard-core (and misguided) sleep training. Then when I started getting my path straightened back toward God, neither of them poo-poo'd me or teased me or anything. They both supported me. And all three of us found our separate paths back to God - at differing times. And even though I moved across the country, those two are still two of my spiritual pillars.

So that's a bit about Kristen. And why I love her and wish I could win a lottery and give her a huge chunk of it. Plus, her little boy R was born a few months after Lil Bro and they're ridiculously adorable together. And she makes amazing blueberry buckle. And she's pretty. And sweet. And I love her.

Yah...ok, now she'll probably punch me for all of that.

But her post was so cool. Like most things lately, it hit home. My whole survival in this current divorce thing, the dealing with Tourette's, everything...it has all been one giant study in praying and waiting well. I have been demanding of and begging God lately. I have thrown myself on the floor, crying for God to save me. My mouth always says, "In your time, God," but my mind wants it NOW. And wants it the way I'm picturing it. And God keeps teaching me all about his timing and his plan.

So having read her post and felt how it just spoke to my current situation, I thought I'd post a little praise report on answered prayer where the answer is yes and where I had totally resolved myself to God having other plans.

God Has A Sense Of Humor And Perfect Comedic Timing:
My parents have been planning to move here since my little family imploded. A couple of months ago, when mom was here, I needed some serious rescuing. So dad told mom that they needed to move out here to help me. Normally, I would never allow such a magnanimous rescue mission. But I needed some big time help and I was SO grateful.

Mom left a few weeks ago to help dad pack up their other house. They contracted to build a house in my development, albeit a 7 minute drive away. Well, things were going along but last week, it became clear that the housing market in their area came to a screeching halt. Nothing was selling. And they have a great house. But nothing. Most people couldn't buy because they had to sell their own house first. It was awful. So this past Sunday, mom called to tell me that it was on hold. They'd have to pass on this house we just finished and wait until their house sold. Then they'd come out and find a new one. I was really bummed. But I said, "Ok God, you obviously have another plan." Maybe there's a house in my neighborhood that will free up just as their current house sold. I figured God had a better plan and I was like, ok, I'll wait for it. So I resolved to wait and see. But as a little aside - almost a joke - I said to God, "Well...if you want to send them a buyer tomorrow, that would be cool..." but I immediately thought, no no no...I'll have faith and see what God has in store. So that house was out and we were fine with waiting.

On Monday, mom called. "We have a buyer!!" I nearly fell over laughing. Who says God doesn't have a good sense of humor! So they're working with the builder here to see when they can close on their house. And they'll be here NEXT MONTH!!! WOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!

For months, God has been teaching me to wait. And to accept different answers than the ones I want. It's been good learning. I'm getting very used to it. So I found this just seriously funny. That I would toss a half-joke at God and he instantly says, "Um...ok."

I love God. He totally rocks.

A Promised Confessional

Why can't this all just be poofed away??? The week that future ex returned, we started out fighting. Then reached a place of calm friendliness. And that just got my hopes up for reconciliation. Not immediate. But thinking things like, well, maybe God is bringing him around slowly and some day we'll have another wedding but with the KIDS in it this time! All sorts of gooby flowery thoughts like that. I thought, well, l've been asking God to prepare me for that wonderful Christian man he's got in store for me. Maybe future ex will be that wonderful Christian man!!! If I can just hold on and wait long enough... But in the holding on and waiting, there is false hope. And also, there is a holding on to the old him and the old me. Once again, I've stopped looking to God for my happiness but back to future ex. And right now? He will ALWAYS fail me.

I just wish I didn't love him any more. Having him back here and in my face just reminded me - initially - of how much I want to beat him senseless. So I begged God to take the anger away and help me reach a place of forgiveness and friendship. And he did. He calmed me down. Future ex and I got along. Then I lost perspective. It felt so good to have him back and being nice to me. And he wasn't with HER. And he was helping me out with the boys. It was such a relief. It was so familiar. It made me so happy. And I translated that into feelings of love again. I was ready to do anything to help him - short of funding him. I offered help I could give - come use my computer, I'll buy you a few meals, come swim at the pool, etc. But it turned into feeling like we were a family again. And I thought, hmmm...maybe we WILL be a family again. And then a little bird sat on my finger and we whistled a duet while deer, bunnies and squirrels came in and did my laundry.

Then he took a trip back to Boston. Two things just punched me in the stomach and brought me back to square one. First thing: he's going back to finish up some business with HER. Rip the scab off. Run back to her. More sacrifice for her. A reminder that, oh yah, I was abandonded for another woman and he thinks it's ok. A reminder that she is the "love of his life" - his words. It just killed me with rejection and jealousy all over again. Second thing: his business with her should take 3 days, max. But he went back for 8 full days, plus 2 days of flying. So 10 days total he left. So he gets YET ANOTHER little vacation. He's going back early to satisfy his selfishness. He wants to hang with friends. Really? SO DO I! BUT I HAVE NO TIME!!! He just barely has a job down here - he has a conditional offer. So it's not in stone. He has no apartment. He has no car. So yes, by all means, go have a few days off in Boston. Whew! You need a break, you poor hard-working thing! [...not that I'm bitter...]

So this weekend, when I spent Saturday trying to clean my house, getting angry with my boys, listening to them complain because they've had no fun mom-time. It hit me. I am PISSED. I am so tired of carrying all this weight that this selfish man put on me. I didn't ask for any of this but I'm carrying it. Not perfectly. But I am. And he just runs off for a vacation - oh, and to take care of "business". Whatever.

Now, I'm having to deal with my anger. And most of it is really just anger at myself that I'm directing at him. I'm angry at myself for allowing those stupid feelings back in. I'm angry for letting him back into my mind and heart. I'm so mad at opening my heart to someone who just spent the last 7 months crushing the love out of me.

I've had people ask me why I would love someone who could do all of that to me. BUT I DO. It's 16 years of someone that I gave my LIFE to. How do you just shut that off, even when you're angry? It's like, everyone thinks that, well, since he cheated, that just automatically shuts off the love switch in me. But think about it - if your husband went and did hard drugs for 7 months and then stopped...you'd totally leave him? You'd just shut him off? Some would. Sure. And obviously, there are cases where that should be a deal-breaker. But most Christian wives I know would stand by a first time offender - maybe keep him distant for a while but they'd help him and work with him and intend on getting the good man back they loved. But cheating seems to be this item for most people that eliminates the "stand by your man" endurance. I can’t blame anyone for that. Cheating makes me see red. But why am I seen as crazy for still loving him? Just shows me that we humans put ratings on our actions. Bad has many levels. Stand by the drunk driver who loses his license but kick the cheater to the curb. I get it. It’s just that my love isn’t easily shut off. It’s taking some time. And effort. (sigh)

When we were getting along, I heard just enough talk of how he's starting to realize just how horrible he was to me. He can't believe he trashed someone so wonderful. He sees just what a great person I am and how I should never have been treated this way. Enough stuff like that - made me think maybe he still had love for me in there somewhere. I think he does. But it's not enough. It never was. Sure he loved me. But never the amount of love most people have for their spouse. I was never a high priority. Never. So that's what I want to hold on to??? The weak part of me cries out YES!!! Because I don't want to be abandoned. I don't want to feel rejected. I want to feel worth a sacrifice. But the smart part of me says, HELL NO. Why would I hang on to a love that wasn't complete in the first place. I already wasted 16 yrs on that partial love. Of being second place to his drums, his pot, his friends and himself. Why would I want to hang on to that? Just so I could avoid feeling rejected?

Aligning your heart and your head is tough. It's what I'm working on. With him in Boston, it's easier. I told him that, when he returns, he will have NO help from me from now on. Nothing. I will make the boys available to him. That's it. He can't come over and hang. He can't come by to watch the boys unless I'm leaving to go somewhere else. Not yet. And yah - I know - I should have started out that way. But having him near me and wanting to be with me - it felt good. And I'll admit it - it felt like I won in a way. He wanted to be with ME. And he was starting to see holes in his perfect "true love". It's all my own damned fault. He didn't play me. I let myself get played. And I'm kicking myself for it now.

I know you're all praying for me. Thank you for that. I know God is honoring a lot of prayers that people are sending up for me. I'm sure glad you're part of that.

Random Thoughts on Divorce...

A full throttle confessional is coming. But I'm too tired at the moment. I just verbally expressed said confessional to my sister & parents. Nothing horrid. I'm so transparent, I'm sure most of you have already figured a lot of it out and are kindly holding your tongue until I am able to stop fooling myself. That's for tomorrow, perhaps.

So here are some random thoughts I just had on the subject of divorce. Thought I'd share them with you.

1. I'm tired of hearing "...well, they were having trouble [in their marriage]..." as this kind of all encompassing excuse for why someone might cheat or just bail out of a marriage. Like it's supposed to make me go, "Ooooh...trouble! Why didn't you SAY so?!" Your marriage is a little difficult, is it? By all means, walk away. Wouldn't want you to have to exert any kind of effort or anything. Wouldn't want you to actually live up to that whole "in good times and bad" part of your vows. It's like a "Get out of jail" card for cowards. Or maybe that's just me.
2. I think less people would get divorced if you had to have a whole unwedding ceremony. You'd have to fly everyone in that had been at the wedding. And all of the kids that have entered the world since then. You'd have to recant your vows in front of all of them. You bet your bippy you'd have to feed them all - and well! AND - here's the clincher - you'd have to return all the wedding gifts...or cash of equal value. Yah, I'm thinking that might make a few people think twice.
3. I think I've said this before - and recently. But marriage vows for the faint hearted should change the "...until death do us part" part to "...until I find this union inconvenient."
4. Contrary to the above ravings, I don't think every marriage should stay together. I don't believe in staying in a marriage if one party has broken the marriage covenant. I guess I'm just surprised at how many people refuse to fight to save their marriage. Goodness, why bother getting married in the first place? I really honestly wonder that.
5. And along those lines, I think too many people treat marriage like some kind of extended dating. If it doesn't work out, we'll just divorce. No biggie. I mean, are you just getting married so your mom will stop making cracks about "not buying the cow if they can get the milk for free"?
   

But what do I know. Don't worry - I'm not becoming bitter. I'm just enjoying a little sarcastic observational humor at the moment.

I Am So SICK of Being Angry

I sat down to write a confessional of how I've let anger get the best of me. As I sit here beginning this, I hear The Boy upstairs yelling demands at his little brother. They are supposed to be cleaning up a toy mess they made together. As I listen to The Boy's demanding tone, it's an auditory mirror.

(sigh)

All the benevolent feelings of hope and goodness I had last week toward future ex are out the window. Well, not all. But it seems like every time he shows just one sign of becoming a responsible man, he undoes it all with a giant self-centered act. His current trip to Boston to "tie up some loose business" - with an open ended return date? Yah, that rather did it for me.

He'll be up there a week at least. And I can tell you that there is no business he has up there that would take more than 3 days, tops. I shouldn't even care. I mean, I've been doing this alone since he ran off in April. I'm a fully functioning single parent now. I can totally hack it. If I can just nail down a part time housekeeper, I will have it 100% rockin'. It's the principle that gets me. You return to "be a real father". He then takes this extended "wrapping up business" trip and stretches it out to beyond a week. Does he talk to me about how this might affect me? Does he discuss the dates and how they might affect anything the boys or I need? He just barely got a job - and even that's still not fully solidified until they do the background check get the pee test back. He has no apartment. No car. No income. Yet he can spend the money on this trip. And he can turn it into a nice little vacation. Which drives me nuts seeing as how he just had a nice 3 month vacation from any responsibilities of parenting. The man wouldn't know the pressure of juggling your own schedule and your children's if it jumped up and bit him in the arse. And he just doesn't get why I'm so angry. By all means, yes, please go take another vacation - the length of which he attributes to needing to say goodbye to people? Um...let's see...you were up there from April until a week or so ago. But you need another week to say goodbye to all your friends? Whatever.

I don't usually vent this specifically about future ex. I tend to keep the idiotic details out of here. But I'm just annoyed today. I have just spent a week giving my job about 80% because of doctor's appointments and counseling appointments. And today, I woke up, had a couple of relaxing hours with my boys and then have been kicking butt trying to clean a house that hasn't been properly cleaned since my mom left. I'm feeling that overwhelming feeling you get when things look way too big. And I'm thinking, gee, hope future ex is having a nice time hanging with his friends in Boston. Gee, hope he's having fun staying up late and sleeping in. Hope he's having fun spending money he doesn't have.

So I'm mad. And pissy. And not coping well. I'm feeling angry in a sorry-for-myself kind of way today. I just want to have a handle on my household, my job, my emotions. I want to be stable and normal and have a routine and budget that feels solid and under my control. I don't want to be wondering when and IF future ex will return. I'm so tired of telling my kids, sorry, we can't do anything fun today because I have to work/clean/etc. I'm so tired of feeling 3 inches from a full blown raging tantrum. I'm so tired of unfairly snapping at my boys. I'm so tired of not having time to exercise so that 10 of those wonderfully gone 25 pounds have returned.

And last night, I felt I could lean on God. Last night I wanted to lean on God. Today, I just want to be angry. I've sent up a few half-assed prayers. But I'm too mad to really mean anything.

GAH! Grrrrrrrr.

My kids deserve better than they're getting right now. So I have to go get a grip. And keep moving on as if future ex weren't here - just as if he never returned. Because that way, if he comes back and is actually any help to me, then bonus. And if not, well, status quo.

Sorry. I'm just so sick of being angry. But I thought I should show you guys the yicky side, too. Sometimes I only blog after gaining some clarity and I think I come off much more together than I am.

Any prayers you want to toss up for me and my gorgeous boys are always welcomed.

I know you guys will lift me up like you always do.

Love you guy...

The Boy's Prayer

My sister's mother-in-law is dying. She's in what seems to me to be the last stages. It's very rough on their whole family. I've watched my own mother-in-law die from cancer. I've watched my birth-father die from cancer. There are similarities in all cancer deaths but no two are the same. I know the helplessness and other feelings that wrack you in these end times. And the feelings that hit you afterwards.

Anyway, I told The Boy that his uncle's mother was dying. He said we should pray to God about it. I knew he meant to ask for total healing while I thought of just praying for her release from the pain and fear. I like his unblemished faith.

So last night, as I tucked him in bed and prayed over him, I didn't think to mention it in the prayers in case it upset him. When The Boy realized I wasn't going to mention it, he rolled over onto his back (which is what he does when he needs to address God) and said, "...and God, please make [uncle's] mom better soon. But if she dies, please take care of her when she gets to heaven."

Love that kid.

Crying Out to God - Need Prayer

If you are a praying person, please read this and please send your prayer coverage to surround William Petit.

This is not about my family. But it just broke my heart to read it. I received an email from one of my wonderful and dear friends Alicia (if you recall, she braved the Cambridge Vineyard with me back in 2005). This is an excerpt from her email:

Today seems to be a bad day and I have two prayer requests.
. . .
The second is for my parents primary care physician, Dr. William Petit. Dr. Petit is my Mom and Dad's doctor, my sister's doctor, and was my Meme and her sister's doctor. He is a wonderful person, very caring, and a great doctor. He has been incredibly supportive during my Dad's illness hand picking the surgeon, who turned out to be one of the best in the country, and has sent two prayer cards from his Church to my Dad. You can read in this article that Dr. Petit has suffered an unimaginable tragedy today:

This link will take you to a local newspaper coverage of the horror.

I have the most wonderful prayer warriors. You have all carried me through my relatively tiny horror show. Please help me stand in the gap for William and his extended family.

Not In My Time, But God's

I really would like to know why I have so much struggle with issues of faith. Especially concerning things I pray for. Oh wait...I'm HUMAN.

No honestly. You need to know my life better. Don't worry. I won't regale you with it here. That's a series of novels Trish needs to help me write. To condense it for you, my whole life is a giant study in God answering my prayer. Not in my time, but His.

So when I start attacking something in prayer that is big or important, my faith is wobbly. I think it's very normal. But when you have a whole history of God coming through for you, why do you doubt? I take solace in pretty much every story in the bible. The Israelites saw all the plagues, were delivered from slavery, had the sea parted for them, even heard God's voice but they still screwed up by doubting. So I'm in pretty good company.

I figure it has to do with a few things.

God is not a vending machine. I can ask in faith like the bible says. But ultimately, it is God's plan that is done. So often times, when I pray for something, I sit there thinking doubtful thoughts under this umbrella - maybe it's not in God's plan for my son to be safely delivered from his surgery. Maybe God has other plans for me than my marriage staying whole. You know? That kind of thing. I think my problem here is, I should ask in faith and then let it go. And trust that God's plan is ultimately better than anything I could come up with. But I tend to ask in faith and then worry and attempt controlling my fate. Like I said, I doubt I'm alone in this.

God's miracles are for other people - not me. For some reason, I can pray with so much faith and absolute certainty when I'm praying for others. When I pray for me, I'm wracked with doubt. I tend to forget my whole history of God coming through for me. My doubt-filled selective memory seems to tell me that other people get miracles. Not me. This has happened less and less over the last 2 years. As I press more into God and talk to him more often, this has gotten less. It would be nice if it disappears altogether.

Satan blows big chunks. I'm not one to blame everything on 'the enemy', 'satan', 'the unnamed one', 'the big dirt-bag below'. I have free will and I exercise it badly quite often. But I do believe that much doubt is planted in our minds by 'the big bone-head of darkness'. I have also noticed less and less doubt in my mind over the last two years. I believe this is due to my constant chats with God. I don't wait for meal time or bed time or church. I talk to God all the time. Especially when I see anything that upsets me on any level. But sometimes it's just when I see something that makes me happy. I thank God for beautiful things I encounter. I ask God to bless people I see that do good things. I ask him to help that box turtle make it off the busy road safely. But at night and in the morning, I do serious business with God. And I think this relatively new discipline in my life has been keeping more doubt at bay.

So yah, I'm human. I'm like all of you. I ask God for things and I have a picture in my mind of how it will look. And I would like to see that picture manifest sooner rather than later. My intellect knows better. But my human side tends to hang on to that impatience. I'm getting better at turning things over to God and saying, "Your plan, God. Your plan. I'm ok with however you need to get things done." But I also believe God wants to know exactly what I want. So I tend to also say things like, "...and if you could let it happen soon - or let it happen where I can know it happened...that would be great." I like to think God is ok with that. His answer might be 10 years down the line. But I think he's ok with us asking.

Now that I've done all of that set up, let me tell you how this has recently played out in my life.

When future ex informed me that he didn't love me any more and was in love with an ex girl thing of his from 21 yrs ago, I was devastated. I don't even know if there are words in our language to describe the pain, jealousy and betrayal. The level to which my spirit was crushed doesn't even compare to my father dying when I was 11. If I was a different person, I would have turned to drugs or hurting myself. But I've got God. Or more correctly, God has ME. I spent pretty much all of January through April begging God to save my marriage. I know God's not a fan of divorce - meaning it's not his plan. I don't mean he thinks divorced people suck. So I figured I'm praying for my marriage to remain whole. Of course it's God's plan. Of course he'll come through. I really really believed this. So in late April, when future ex left, moved back to Boston and starting playing house with his girl thing, oh man. I was shaken. But I kept praying. I just changed it from "save my marriage" to "God, whatever your plan is, help me deal with it. Help me get through this." But I did also pray that God totally open the eyes of future ex and his girl thing. That they see the full truth of what they've done. I wasn't sure what that would look like. But I prayed it with all my heart. I also prayed that God would let them reap what they have sown. This was hard not to pray as a curse. I prayed it as earnestly as I could. I refused to curse them. I refused to ask God to smite them or any such nonsense. So many times I would just repeat over and over, "Vengeance is yours, God. Not mine. I leave that to you." It was hard because my anger was valid and totally understandable. But I also knew that God's would know the best way to make this request manifest. I have no idea if that's even proper grammar. Sue me.

So future ex has been back for over a week now. And by "back", I mean in the area. We had a rough start but have been trying very hard to be friendly. I have felt God's prompting to be generous but not stupidly so. I have been asking for his guidance in this. God, tell me when to help him and when to stand back. And I really think he has been doing this.

What I have been watching this past week is future ex reaping what he sowed. And also his girl thing. Without divulging personal things about them, I can't really explain much. But I can tell you I have never had to say anything like, "I told you so," or "See? You really DO suck!" because God has been showing him these things through the consequences of his actions. I wish I could share them with you because it is truly mind numbing how absolutely God has answered my reap/sow prayer. And it was not in the time I wanted (ie - immediately). But I have to tell you, after he had been with girl thing for a while, I just asked God to answer this prayer - even if it was decades later and I never know about it. I just wanted justice. And here God is, allowing me to witness first hand the struggles and hell that future ex is in. I've heard him say stuff like, "I know I made this bed and have to lie in it," and "I know this is all my doing but it's so hard." At times like that I beg God to keep my mouth shut. Pointing and laughing would sink me down. So I just stand there.

One thing future ex said this week was after he really pissed me off. I don't remember how. But he had been talking like oh things are so hard for me and I got the sense he thought I was just coasting through this like it was no big deal. So I indignantly - and totally without meaning to - witnessed to him. If you can picture the attitude that accompanies the hand on hip, waggling finger and a "oh no you di-int" head bobbing, that's what he got. I just started spouting, "The ONLY reason I'm standing here so strong and with such kindness is by the GRACE OF GOD!" and I proceeded to tell him how he hadn't had the guts to stick around to see the absolute hell I went through. I told him how I had to break down every wall I had between me and God and beg him to save me. I told him how God didn't just poof me out of the giant cesspool of destructive emotions. But he stood in it with me. And told me he'd never leave me. But we'd get through it together. And I just kept spouting indignantly to show him that I had been SO low that I needed the Creator of the Universe to save me. So don't tell ME about hard! Don't cry to ME about surviving hell! My God got me through it. And I stood there fuming all "snap snap SNAP!" and stuff. I thought he'd be rolling his eyes at yet another outburst that proves I had become "too Christian." But in stead, he said, "You know, I wish I had a faith like that to help me through this." It deflated my anger. And in that moment, God tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Uh hello? I set this up for you. Get in there!" I suddenly recalled my old Alpha class and our talk on prayer. The whole, so what if you don't know how to pray. So what if you're not sure you believe in prayer or in God or in anything. Try it. Just give it a shot. Tell God you're not sure you believe. Tell him you're scared. Tell him you think it's silly. But ask him to show you that he's real. Ask him to help you. I think you'll be surprised. And that's basically what I told future ex. He said, "But I don't have enough faith to pray." That's the beauty of it! You don't NEED to. Just the act of turning toward God and talking - that's all God is looking for. One on one relationship. Just your attempt will mean so much to God. He will honor it. I told future ex, look, God is just standing here right now just going, "Come on! Just turn toward me!!! Try it!" and he's so excited. He thinks you're the most precious thing in the world!!! Future ex just couldn't fathom that. I said, look, just try it as an experiment. Just ask God to show you he's real. He said he would. He hasn't yet. But he talks about it often. I know he's wrestling with how stupid it feels. So I don't push. I keep praying.

Future ex knows he's screwed up so big. He knew most humans around me wanted to pummel him. He's gotten a few icy receptions from people around here. So another day, we had this big talk about forgiveness. He was annoyed thinking that there are people who claim to follow God that aren't forgiving him. So I explained, hey, we're humans down here. The only one I know of that can instantaneously forgive? That's God. Not me. Not my parents. Not my friends. Not anyone I know of down here. I told him, all you have to do is tell God you're sorry and turn away from the bad that you were doing (ie - repent = turn away from the sin). It's much simpler than most religions make it sound. Repenting just means turn away from the sin. And turn toward God. If you're focused on God, you'll most likely find yourself it right-thinking situations. So I said, God will forgive you immediately. Us humans you have to give some time to align with God on that one.

I have been jokingly inviting future ex to church. And both times I did, he considered it. Which shocked me. He knows that I have leaned heavily on my church friends. Which means many of them know a lot of the details. And a lot of them are mad and feel protective of me. So last Sunday, he didn't go. I kind of figured he wouldn't. And today, he went. He came with me and the boys to church. I was scared! What if my church family lived up to his cynical view of Christians! So I prayed a lot last night. I told future ex, this will be a good test of us Christians putting our money where our mouths are. Let me tell you, my church almost had me in tears today. My church friends are freaking AMAZING. When he walked in (very early) with us, my pastor saw him and came running over to him. I heard something like, "Hey there friend!" and he had future ex in a HUGE bear hug. The music director and his wife greeted him warmly and I saw her talking to future ex for a while. Our other friends who were very close to future ex had already hung out with us earlier this weekend. So when Wyatt got there, he was looking for future ex. And was sincerely glad to see him walk in to the room. Future ex got one chilly reception but not rude. And it was someone I haven't been able to chat with lately so she has no clue how I'm feeling about things and I imagine she was being cautious.

But what a testimony it was to God's imperfect followers. I was SO proud of my church family. I was also very impressed with future ex - he didn't slink away to hide in a corner. He knew he might face some people and their opinions of what he had done to me. But no one did that. Everyone just made him welcome. I have no idea what struggles might or might not have happened for people today. But I was swelling with pride in my friends. And it deeply affected future ex.

So, on the way to church, I had been asking God to just reveal himself to future ex today. I wish I had a tape of the sermon. It was almost comical. We're in a series on Joseph. Today's sermon talked about the part of the story where Joseph is now 2nd in command of Egypt. After being sold into slavery by most of his brothers and then passed off for dead by all of them. They had to come to Egypt to bow down before him and beg for grain. Joseph dealt with them with forgiveness and generosity. SO the whole sermon revolved around the concept of you will reap what you sow. And how we must forgive. He discussed how mercy and grace play into our forgiveness. I mean, future ex and I exchanged a few amused glances. And I know my pastor was thinking, "Oh man, of all the days he chose to come to church!" Afterwards, future ex jokingly asked me if I had called the pastor to have him preach all that. HA! His comments showed me it had all sunk in. And I think he saw the two sides of it. Not just us pointing at him saying, "Ha ha! You're reaping what you sowed, bone head!" But that we are commanded to forgive and to be loving and generous. In the car later, he even said to me, "You've been acting like Joseph. You're being so good to me since I returned." That was amazing to hear. Because it's been a lot of work to not be a shrew.

Anyway, this is going on way too long. But do you see some amazing answer to prayer here? I honestly never thought I'd see future ex reap his sowing. And here I am watching it. And then to have him come to church and God to speak directly to both of us like that? Yah, just TRY to tell me God doesn't answer prayer!

More Parent Induced Tics

Many imperfections of the parent can be measured by observing their children. I'll give you a few examples from my house.

1. Lil Bro is three. He can answer almost any trivia question you throw at him regarding Sponge Bob Square Pants. About three months ago, he didn't really know that show.
2. I just listened to an exchange between my boys where reason never even entered the room. It escalated immediately to anger, impatience and annoyance.
3. I've been seeing tics reduce in The Boy for the last three months. Yesterday, his play therapist said he noticed more than he's ever noticed before.

I know I'm in "special circumstances", what with being left by my husband who was the stay at home care giver and home maker (or maintainer would be more accurate). I survived the first few hellish weeks - my mother scraping me off the floor every morning and doing everything for me. My mother gave the boys amazing one-on-one care. When she left, I was still very not OK. It took me a while to get day care figured out. So Lil Bro, unfortunately, became fast and steady friends with the giant toddler drug - our TV. I had to work so I wouldn't get fired. And I couldn't get him day care until this week. Thus his knowledge of all things Sponge Bob. And his being able to quote all sorts of commercials. And his insistence that he needs all sorts of products I would never bring into this house.

So when I write it like that, people can see how it might happen and what could I really do. I get that. But it still makes me feel like such a sub-par mom. To see my kid so absolutely addicted to TV. Throwing fits when he can't watch it any more.

And then with #2 and #3 above, I chalk both of those up to the reappearance of their father on the scene. And I don't mean that in the sense that future ex is being an ass or solely responsible for this. I mean it in the sense that he's back in the area and interacting with me on a regular basis. I have to say we've had mostly good days and we are working VERY hard at being friendly and civil for the boys. But there are those moments where all sanity goes out the window. Maybe it's a passing comment from him that shows he has no clue exactly how flat my soul was made by the steam roller of his stupidity (oh yah - gotta love my nutty analogies). Maybe it's him asking the name of something he gave me years ago so he can send one to his girlfriend. Maybe it's watching him pine for someone that I see as the icon of destruction of all I loved. Maybe it's him flipping his mouth off about my beliefs and me trying to physically throw him out of the house. There have been about 3 big negative interactions with us since his return last Thursday. And while I look at that like, "Wow, only 3 bad moments in a whole week," The Boy and Lil Bro obviously internalize it or react very differently.

Their impatience with each other probably comes from listening to a stressed out mommy having a bit of an edge to her otherwise mostly patient and loving voice. I've snapped at them more since future ex left. Nothing horrible. But enough to teach them to just chuck the niceties and get straight to the attack.

And The Boy's tics, I feel so awful that I didn't notice an increase. I do notice he has to make a few tries to complete sentences lately. It's not stuttering. And it's not quite stammering. It's like, he's got 942 things he wants to say and trying to get #47 out is hard because all of the other thoughts are trying to rush out at the same time. So he'll make it almost to the last word of a sentence and get flustered. So in stead of taking a second to think of the last two words, he'll start the whole sentence over. And this might happen 3 or 4 times until he finally gets the sentence out. When I'm stressed or tired (which is...oh....always!), I find the insane me screaming the end of his sentence in my head. In my head I hear things like, "JUICE!! It's JUICE!!! You want some apple JUICE!!! I GET IT!!!!" But outside I have to just go, "Take it slow bud. Just take a breath and then tell me what you want."

His excessive blinking seems to be the one tic that has been a constant throughout his last year (next month will mark a year since he was diagnose with Tourette's). Lately, his little close-mouthed dog whine has returned. Such a weird description. But without being able to put a sound clip here, that's the best I can do. It's a short punctuated little noise that sounds like a dog whining. But short.

Yesterday, he was painting at our table with a friend. She's a year older than him. At one point, he put down the paint brush and just clapped his hands really quickly - his hands about neck level and very close to his body. And he looked up and rocked a bit when he did it. It totally reminded me of actions some of my mentally retarded adults used to do when I was teaching. His little friend just calmly asked him, "Why did you do that?" to which he replied, "Do what?" He didn't even know he had done it. She showed him what he did and he just went, "Oh. I don't know." So I just said, "He just did it for fun." And she just said, "Oh," and kept painting.

Anyway. Today, I'm very aware that I have to get over myself and start working my butt off for my kids. I've been giving myself a lot of slack - allowing myself time to be flustered or zombied or whatever. But seeing how things are affecting my beautiful boys...it's time to put aside anything selfish. Time to take on the hard tasks even though I still feel like giving myself breaks or slacking off. Time to knuckle down and be the uber mom again.

So today, I have KLOVE blasting. I'm constantly asking God to lift me up and let me do it. And to hold me to task. I have to start sleeping. I have to start being Johnny-on-the-spot again. I have to be present and there for them. I have to put away the hurt me. God's got her. Now I just need God's strength. I need it because the hurt and wallowing can still overwhelm me. And the whole doing this all by myself thing is constantly overwhelming. The whiny girl who just wants a winning lottery ticket threatens to pop up all the time.

I want my boys to be happy and healthy and not know every word to every episode of every Nickelodeon or Disney show.

I May Be Weak But I Ain't Stupid

There seem to be a few people that are afraid I'm going to cave now that future ex is back in town and that I'll just take him back. I can see why people worry about that. I'm riding that emotional pendulum. And it doesn't just have two directions. This thing is wildly swinging all over the place.

But as I swing at the bottom of that pendulum (and I must say it's usually me that keeps it swinging), I keep in mind that the pendulum is tethered to my God. I like that image. I also think that God is usually the one that's trying to stop the swinging. He's the one that gets things calmed down. And then I get stupid and start the swinging again.

Oh I'm just chock full of bad analogies. As a service to humanity, I will refrain from sharing any more.

So I was thinking...what would it take for me to take him back? I thought if I listed my criteria, maybe this would lay to rest your fears. But mostly, I thought it might just make me laugh.

Things future ex would have to do in order to be considered as worthy:

1. Stop being stupid. Good luck with this one. I'm not holding my breath.
2. Get to know God in a real and tangible way. I'm still praying for this one no matter who he ends up with. And I have more hope for this one that for #1 above.
3. Shift his priorities from shallow worldly concerns to almost anything higher than that. But shifting to Godly priorities would seal the deal. Not to mention, make him happier.
4. Stop pining for his girl-thing. Or better yet...
5. Cut girl-thing out of his life completely.
6. Stop whining about responsibility. I'd love to see him embrace his job and all the other chores of life with the attitude of, I'm doing this because I love my family.
7. Grow up and join the rest of us adults. You can't stay irresponsible and self-centered like we were in our 20s forever. That's what your 20s are FOR, dude. Time to move on.
8. Learn what self-sacrifice is about. I'd like to go a week without having to hear about how his happiness is at risk. I'm thinking #2 & #3 would take care of this.
9. Understand what God meant when he made the man the head of the family. God didn't give them free reign to be idiots. The original language has been interpreted by many learned scholars as saying, the head of the family has the responsibility to assure his family flourishes. Put THAT spin on it, boys! When you wake up, your first thought should be, what can I do today to make sure that [insert family members' names here] is/are happy? What does my wife need to flourish? What do my kids need to flourish?
10. Stop talking about whether he thinks his sideburns are even or not. Honestly, if I have to hear about his sideburns or how small his waist is or guess how much he weighs now, I think I might just lose that Godly patience and shave his whole head. Eyebrows, sideburns, the whole bit.
11. Adore me. Since this never occurred during our entire 16 yr history, yah, time to step up and treat me like the precious gem I am. Because let me tell you mister, I was custom made by the creator of the universe. And you should be...
12. Be proud to be with me. And if anyone slanders me, you should be the first to jump in there with righteous indignation and a big can of whoop-ass!!
13. Have patience with my kids when they're silly and loud and it doesn't quite fit his mood. Do fathers not read the fine print of the noisy kid contract?
14. Think about the happiness of his family and its members before his own. See #9.
15. Get a clue. Very broad. But very applicable.
16. Be able to make decisions and have confidence in them. Just pick a side. Make a decision. Have some confidence in your own abilities. I'll back you.
17. Never touch pot again. He's actually trying to do this. But I think he needs help.

It's not a nice rounded number divisible by 5 or 10. But those are what came to mind. Of course, I wanted to add things like, "Have surgery to look like Johnny Depp or Matt Damon," or "Attain perfect 6-pack abs." But let's not get silly.

So dad, Big Sis, Brenda? As you can see, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I may be weak, but I ain't stupid!

An Update and The World Domination Meme from Stacy

First a quick update:
Future ex returned to my idiot-free territory today. It started out very awful and very stereotypically - if you've ever heard of cliche divorce moments, we had it today. After he came to pick up the boys (late, I might add), I was just so wound up and pissed off. I called baby sis Brooke and vented to her. Unfortunately, she's been where I've been but her divorce makes mine look like a cake walk. She was sweetly understanding and didn't say things like, "Oh please, girl, that's NOTHING!"

After talking to baby sis, I thought I'd take my own oft-given advice. I prayed. Half-assed prayers work, by the way. I prayed, "OK God, you have to take this anger away. I'm just so mad at him and I have every right to be. But I can't live like this. I can't live in constant conflict," or something to that effect.

God is good. When future ex dropped the boys off (on time, I might add), I felt very calm. And we had a nice talk. I took The Boy to counseling and he took Lil Bro to hang out. We all met back at my house and took the boys for pizza. When we came back, we put them to bed. Then future ex and I had a very long and cathartic talk. I am hoping it is just one of many to come. I know the pendulum will swing wild again. And I warned him not to expect a totally nice zen me all the time. But as he drove off to the hotel, I asked God to help us reach a place of understanding and some kind of friendship. Whether that is this year or a few years from now, I know God will work this miracle.

The World Domination Meme:
Now, on to more fun things. I got this meme from Stacy. She made this one up which makes it way more fun than any other ones I've stolen from her. Stacy is ever so wonderful and clever. I want to be her when I grow up.

You are offered one superhero power to help you take over the world (or the country of your choice). What would your superpower be and why?
Well, first off, let me say I do NOT want to be the ruler of anything. I am not Kirk or Picard. I am more like Spock or Riker. Except not as logical or slutty, respectively. So I'll answer in the context of what power would help me be the right hand man of the ruler (oh say, Stacy or Sarakastic). My superpower would have to be invisibility. I would need stealth to reconnoiter and protect my sovereign. It just seems like an extremely useful talent to have. Although, being able to completely disable a weapon from a distance seems much more useful in my supporting role. How cool would that be. Just standing there next to my leader while confronting some enemy or threat. My leader would stand completely fearless - which would confound and confuse said enemy. In their frustration, they would raise a weapon. I would, with a tiny flicker of a finger, render it completely useless. Which would put the fear of God in them. Well, one would hope.

Where will you establish your capital and why?
I will establish my capital wherever my supreme leader tells me to. They will say, "We believe we would like to build our luxurious villa in [insert name of city/province/country/plant here]. And I would make it so.

What would be your first official decree as a brand new dictator? Why?
Mine is not to decree but to enforce the decree.

As a Great and Fearsome Leader, you will need to have the best people working for you. Who would work for you? (Feel free to use famous people, fictional characters, friends and family, or other people from the blogosphere in your answer.) What would their jobs be?
Well, as a somewhat great and very fearsome leader of many people whose job it is to secure, maintain and move forward my leader's realm...let me think. I would definitely have Jason Bourne working for me. But he wouldn't be an amnesiac drone. He'd have full charge of his faculties. And he would be my metaphoric long arm. I would also have Severus Snape on my staff. Very powerful. Very discreet. Very good to have on your side. Plus, I love his fashion sense. I would also want Wolverine or The Punisher. They are just cool, sexy and powerful. I need eye candy surrounding me but they have to be talented.

If you could make one annoying habit illegal in your empire, what would it be?
Being stupid (can I hear an 'Amen!'?!). This should be illegal yet it plagues our country. It's a veritable epidemic. Goodness, if I was given the task of ridding the supreme dynasty of stupid people, I would have a lifetime of job security. And we'd be left with mostly women. Which is fine with me.

Like Stacy, I tag anyone who would like to take this tag. I'd love to see all my blogger pals' answers.

Origins of Lord & Taylor Lady

Stacy is curious how I met Trish. It's a funny enough story, I thought I'd share. I should probably have checked with Trish first before writing this missive. But I didn't. She can fly her butt down here and kick me in person. Then I'll take her out for some amazing TexMex.

I'm gonna throw in some background here because it's significant to the story in my mind. And this'll be a long one. I imagine Stacy & Trish are the only ones that will finish it!

I grew up very dogmatic in a rather messed up church. The people were like my extended family. I'll leave the "messed up" label pretty much squarely on the shoulders of our preacher. But I was saddled with a lot of theology I couldn't reconcile to a loving God. When my parents left that church, there were some rather well-meaning but screwed up attempts to keep me and some of my siblings there. I then went to a Christian college that was actually really great. But I had a life crisis or two, made some bad decisions and quit that school with a bad taste in my mouth due to what I perceived as the hypocrisy of Christians.

Add to that the general stupidity of most humans. So of course, when I ran across an idiot who just happened to be a Christian, I added it to the mental box labeled "Yet another bone-headed Christian that solidifies my feeling that I will never participate in organized religion again."

So with chip firmly on shoulder, I decided I would tackle the world with just God. Those fallible humans continually pissed me off. So I would tolerate them and just deal with God directly.

I walked a very precarious line for many years. I am convinced I survived my own stupidity due to the sheer volume of prayers that went up on my behalf from my mom, her sisters, our church friends, people who knew me and actually had a clue about God, etc. I now know there were tons of people praying for me my whole life.

I worked in night clubs in Boston as a coat girl, waitress and eventually bouncer. I sang in bands and rock theater in Boston. I did professional photography for bands in Boston. I basically lived in clubs and embraced a large part of the culture therein. I had no self esteem but pretended to be the most amazingly kick-ass strong woman. As a bouncer, I acted my way into being a well known persona in the Boston club scene. People believed the bravado and some were actually afraid of me. I never let go of God - talked to him constantly. But I was going to do things MY way. I tried to embrace all beliefs. I was going to be the tolerant cool Christian. I was going to be the open minded Christian. On the way, my faith got rather muddy and confused.

When my kids were born, I wanted to give them a Godly foundation but hated the thought of going to a church where they would be turned into little dogma-spewing idiots. So I always told people how I wanted to find a church for my kids but I never EVER thought of actually doing anything about it.

Enter my cousin Lorraine. And by cousin, I mean step second cousin. If there is such a thing. She's the daughter of my step-dad's cousin. And we didn't know each other. We knew OF each other. But I moved into her town. And our parents lived near each other in Florida. And I'm sure there were conversations between them that gently suggested that maybe my cousin could invite me to church. Well, after living in her town for almost 2 years, she called me one day - out of the blue. Did I want to visit her church with her. Um...hold on while I get my mental tome of reasons why I couldn't go. But God thumped me in the back of the head and said, oh just GO already. And I surprised Lorraine and myself by saying yes.

I told my friend Alicia that I was going to this wacky church we all heard about in Boston. They advertise on the subway and buses. They have signs that say things like "Come have coffee and bagels with us" or something like that. I mean, I was like who serves coffee and bagels at church? This church must not be very good if they have to lure people with food. But my former college roommate, KimmyJo, used to go there. And she's not nuts. Well, she loves me so she just might be nuts. But I digress. Anyway, Alicia agreed to go with me. Which made me nervous. Alicia is used to Catholic mass. Nice predictable sleepy mass. I didn't know if this church was charismatic or what. I didn't know if they'd be swinging from chandeliers or what. So told her, we'll sit in the back and if it gets weird, we're OUTTA there!

We went around the beginning of the Lenten season. Which I don't keep track of. But the Cambridge Vineyard was just starting that year's 40 Days of Faith. I had never heard of it and didn't really pay much attention to the announcements about it. But the pastor (who I didn't know was the pastor because he was just so laid back I figured he was just the guy doing announcements) announced they were bringing up someone to give a testimony about the 40 Days of Faith.

Enter Trish. Now, in my last post, I confessed that I give instant snap judgements in my head. All the time. And Trish was just fodder for my cynical attitude. She just looked the part of the perfect Christian woman - a person to whom I would never relate or to whom I would have nothing to say. I had this warped idea that all women who claim to be "true Christians" were wimpy little lemmings who are just vapid yes-men to their boyfriends or husbands. It's awful. But that's where my head was at as perfect Trish took the stage. And she was just adorable. And I mean that in a way that made the cynical I'm-too-cool-for-anything me roll her eyes. And I'm sure I did.

Trish was well put together. In my mind, she looked like a model out of the LL Bean women's catalog. Or someone who shops at (shudder) Talbot's. Or even worse - Lord & Taylor. So I dubbed her "Lord & Taylor Lady" in my mind. Ain't I just a loving little God girl!

So Lord & Taylor Lady proceeds to give her testimony. Which fell on my cynical ears like so much drivel. I heard her say something about how she had wanted a husband. At that point, Alicia and I shared a rolling eye look. Granted, both of us had always wanted a wonderful Christian husband. But we knew that wasn't a cool thing to admit so we sneered away. Trish basically gave a great testimony and I imagine it was just a teaser for her book that's coming. But at the time, I didn't know that and I was a snotty little piece of crap and just rolled my eyes thinking, if I ran into this woman at the bagel table, she'd ignore me. We'd have NOTHING to say to each other.

I figure that's when God laughed and made other plans.

Alicia and I never stopped going to that church. We loved it. It's a freaking amazing church. In spite of the Lord & Taylor Lady and all the well put together people that attend along with her.

At that time in 2005, that Vineyard offered a class called Alpha (now called SEEK). It was for those "on the cutting edge of faith". Not meaning your faith is totally cool and alternative. Meaning you're not quite sure what all you believe or whether you believe anything at all. But you're coming to church so that's something. This class was there to address those people. I was those people. I was always cool with God. But I had serious doubts about almost every other aspect of Christianity. Was Jesus divine or just a great prophet? Was the bible inspired word or just a political collection of writings? Were there actually some real Christians that might not make me want to punch them collectively in the heads?

I decided to go to Alpha. I mean, hey, they fed you dinner and it was only once a week. What's not to like?

The first night, I show up feeling like a total dork. I had laughed with my coworkers going, "I can't stay late tonight. Because I'm going to... a BIBLE class!!!" They know me. They've known me during all my various fads and stages. So this was rather interesting to them as well. But off I went for my free meal.

When I walked in, the first person I saw was this well put together guy. Young dude, probably in his 30s. Extremely good looking and very happy. Great. Just what I need. A Happy Handsome Guy to not be able to relate to. And then what to my wondering eyes should appear? But a Lord & Taylor Lady. Yah. Doesn't it just figure that the woman I sat judging and rolling my eyes at - she was one of the leaders. So was Happy Handsome Guy. The other two leaders were equally not in my universe. There was the Cerebral Writer Guy who used way too many $7 words. And then there was Cute Perky Preppy girl. I'm sure they'd all laugh at my generalized snap judgements of them. But honestly, I sized them all up as people I would have NOTHING in common with. Along with the 25 or so other people that showed up looking all "What am I doing here?" with me.

That group of people spent the next...how many weeks did we spend together? Ten? I have no idea. Trish, how many weeks was that? Every week, a few people would drop out. But eventually, we got a solid group of committed dorks. And we hashed it all out together. We'd talk, question, sneer, confess, accuse, talk more, question more. It was unbelievable. That class opened my eyes in amazing ways. And one of the first things God did was show me that Lord & Taylor Lady was just a shmoe like me. With nicer clothes. And smoother hair. And a really cool husband who laughed at my Lord & Taylor description. He assured me that, at home, she rarely gets out of her pajamas and, when she does, she dresses like a normal person.

During that class, God used Lord & Taylor Lady...now Trish...as his conduit. He used all the leaders. But especially her. I opened up about things with her that I never told anyone. God gave her huge insight into how I worked.

A small group of people from that class begged the leaders if they would start a new small group with us. We dubbed it Beta (ain't we clevah!). It was the best small group I've ever been part of. We were still all newly renewed in God. So it was so easy for us to share openly and honestly. No one faking anything. I'm still very close with the Fabulously Tall Rowing Couple from that class (another couple I figured I'd have nothing in common with and now I adore them).

That group prayed with and for me as I agonized over whether to move to Austin. I mean, God just found me the perfect church!! Should I leave it??? And when I decided to go, they all encouraged me. Trish has been one of my loudest and most steady cheerleaders.

When I discovered my husband didn't love me and he loved someone else, I called Trish first. I was terrified of doing the wrong thing. I called her and she told me about how That Dog had dental surgery and all sorts of stuff before I finally had the guts to blurt out my new horror show. Once again, God used Trish as his messenger. She gave me ways to pray about it that I never would have thought of. She told me to fight for my marriage and not stand timidly by in the name of being polite or politically correct. She taught me how to put in my shark teeth while still holding on to God. And she has never left my side or told me I suck or anything.

Trish means more to me than she knows. I love her humor. I love her intelligence. I love her fashion sense. I can't wait to read her book because I just KNOW she has dedicated at least 3 chapters that are all about ME! (I kid) She is one of my strongest and most trusted God friends.

God - thank you for giving Lorraine courage to invite me to that wacky bagel church. Thank you for letting Alicia be open enough to go with me. And thank you for putting that nutty Lord & Taylor Lady on the stage that Sunday! Amen.