Monday, November 30, 2015

Still Not Beaten

How interesting My last post was a year ago today. It was when I was pissed but still hopeful. Today, I'll go to court to have the second divorce finalized. The Man will once again become The Ex.

The first time, I went through it all hoping God would put it all back together someday. Not today.  Today, I go through it all knowing it is done. God laid out a perfect reconciliation before two imperfect people. Like I told BigBro last night: we're not puppets. He lets us exercise our free will. But here's the thing. God stands with me still. He stood with me through the insanity of my rage. Through my darkness and depression. Through my disgust with everything around me. He stays with me as I force myself out of my cave. He stays with me when I say "No way, screw this," and retreat back into it. He whispers wisdom I certainly don't possess when I counsel my boys through this horrible path. He waits patiently for me. The Creator and The Light waits patiently. HE waits for ME. Wow.  He knows when to nudge me. He knows when to let me have my human moments. He reminds me of the things I am afraid I've lost forever. He doesn't drown me in all of the promises I already know are there but just can't fathom at the moment. He IS the Promises. And I know He is there. Has been. Is. Will be.

So this time..."this time"...meh. So this time, I go to court with two of my God-send friends by my side. And I don't hold the hope of reconciliation. I don't hold anything for my ex at this particular moment. I hold on to the Fact. The Fact that God already knows how He will bring beauty from this horror show. The Fact that it will happen. Because the unbearable pain I thought I couldn't weather again? It's been weathered. Mostly. And the hard anger-born cynicism with which I regard all the lightness around me? He will crack that, too.

Still not broken. Suck it satan.