Chili - Come An' GIT IT!!

Dudes, I made enough chili to feed ALL y'all. But my church friends ate most of it already. Sorry.

Tonight, we had an awesome Chili Social at my house. Most of our small groups (or home groups) meet on Tuesday nights - they alternate weeks. Mine is like the 1st & 3rd Tuesdays of each month. Another one meets on the 2nd and 4th. So on those rare 5th Tuesdays in a month, ain't nothin' goin' on (I like apostrophes). I heard someone saying that on Sunday and said, "Since no one has small group, we should all come to my house for dinner." Robert said, "Are you serious?" I thought for a second and said, "Sure," knowing full well that my house was in a state of chaos. So it was officially announced at church. Very last minute.

So as I cooked enough chili to feed my whole neighborhood, I thought, hmmm...I might be making just enough or I might be eating chili for the next three months. You never know how many people will show up to these things.

As it turns out, I think we had around 15 adults and about 15 kids? Something like that. They were all moving around too much to count. My mom joined us, too. Oh, and one neighbor kid who heard us talking about it in the car after school. He fit right in and had a blast! It was so cool.

Tonight's dinner made me SOOO happy! I grew up in a church that had lots of issues. But the one thing it did right was Family. All of our extended relatives lived in other parts of the country. So my childhood church WAS our family. They used to have these pot-luck dinners after church. Everyone would bring their best comfort food and I'd be in heaven with all the differing forms of Jell-O mixed with various things like marshmallows, pecans, pineapples. Everyone would eat and us kids would run around wreaking all sorts of havoc. The adults would sit around talking - which of course seemed all sorts of boring to me at the time.

Tonight, we all got our chili, cheese, chips and other foods that didn't start with the "ch" sound. Some sat at the table. Some sat in the living room watching American Idol. Some stood. The kids were running around upstairs, downstairs, chasing each other with light sabers, swords, and pillows.

It felt like home. Not just because it was IN my home. But because this is my "forever church", as someone put it tonight. This is my family. These are my thick & thin. These are the people God sent me after all my prayers while moving down here. I stood around watching them thinking, oh yah. God sent me the best of his people.

It totally felt like home.

Why God And My Handy Man Totally ROCK

Subtitle: Things I've Done That Will Make You Feel Much Better About Yourself

A couple of weeks ago, I started having water pressure problems in my house. They would come and go. But it got consistently worse. Right around the time I noticed the water pressure issues, I was putting top soil down on my lawn, patching up bald spots or filling in low lying places hidden in the grass.

A couple of days after putting down the top soil, I noticed that a large patch always seemed damp while the rest of the patched spots were lighter colored and very dry. Hmmm. I noticed a large strip of yard between my house and my neighbor's that was constantly wet. Ugh.

I gave it a week to fix itself. If you ignore it and don't talk about it, it will go away. Yes. This theory has rarely worked for me. So by yesterday, I was pretty convinced I was looking at a broken pipe somewhere. Possibly in my house, maybe next to it, maybe the sprinkler system. I didn't know. But I could see big dollar signs. And it was making me sick.

Last night I said, "Please God. Let it be something small. Let it be something we can handle quickly without huge drama and huge cost!" But even as I prayed this, I thought, this may be one of those life lessons God needs me to learn. Suck it up, little girl. You're a grown up now. Sometimes you have to pay for grown up repairs. Guh.

This morning, I finally called my friend Wyatt. He's been my "Bug Guy" and handy man since we moved here. He and his wife and daughters are awesome friends and I adore them on many levels. They were some of the first close friends I made at my church. But mostly because Wyatt will come take care of ants, termites, field mice, etc. Blyeck! And he also fixes stuff without charging me an arm and a leg. He doesn't mind when I chick out on things (like trying the ignore-it-and-it'll-go-away thing). He doesn't judge. He just shows up and fixes whatever is wrong. And since the ex took off, Wyatt and his awesome wife Shari have kind of kept an unspoken eye on me. They'd probably deny that but I know they have.

Anyway, I called and said, ok, how much do you know about plumbing? Or do you have a plumber you work with that you trust? I told him what was going on. He made a promise to show up today. This is a guy I called last minute, with a full slate. And he insisted he'd check it today. Because - he reasoned - if it really IS a broken pipe that's leaking, I am wasting lots of money that I don't have. See? He's very protective of his single-mom, laid-off friends.

Wyatt and one of his guys showed up this afternoon with a pick axe and shovel. I felt nauseated. Pictures of my entire yard dug up with hundreds of broken pipes exposed raced through my head. He checked my sprinklers and pretty quickly ruled out that the sprinkler pipes were burst. Yay! He checked the outside faucet and found huge pressure. He checked the inside faucets and found low pressure. "When's the last time you changed your water filter?" Um...says me...I didn't really want to tell him that I was basically 2 months past the changing time. I'm never that bad! So he pulls out my water filter. It was BROWN. Might mean nothing to you if you don't have one. But I've never seen it like that. So basically, my laziness caused my water filter to get so clogged, water couldn't get into the house! Fortunately, I had INTENDED to change the filter. This intention meant I had actually purchased the filter back in January when it should have been changed. So I had the filter. And Wyatt is tall and can change it very easily. As opposed to my Hobbit-on-a-step-stool routine. So bippity-boo and I have a clean filter.

Did I feel totally stupid? Absolutely. Did I care? NO. You know why? Because I was figuring I'd be using somewhere upwards of $10K to have my entire sprinkler system replaced! If not, I knew I'd be throwing a couple of thousand at whatever the problem was. But I already had the 20-something dollar filter on hand. And Wyatt wouldn't take any payment. As he put it, he had to drive this way anyway.

So God rocks because he TOTALLY came through on my "please make it something small" prayer. I hadn't even asked for FREE! And he sent my awesome friend Wyatt to show me how easy the fix was and not make me feel stupid about it.

I have to figure out something yummy to make for Wyatt & Shari.

Randomosity And Such

I was relating the dentist story to my neighbor friends yesterday. They made me feel better about Pokemon Boy's behavior. I had really been chalking that whole thing up (or most of it) to his anxiety disorder. Their daughter is a year older than him and just had her first visit last year. Her visit went very similar to ours. Although, they say it took them one and a half hours to get her xrays!!! Pokemon Boy's xrays took a little while but nowhere NEAR that! Probably not even 10 minutes. They also said she was fearful and tearful about the cleaning - and uncooperative. And she has no anxiety issues that I'm aware of.

Then I spoke to one of my sisters today and related the story to her. She has such an issue with dental procedures (shots to the mouth, in particular - *shudder*), she takes meds in order to go. This horrible reaction actually started due to an abusive dental assistant.

Quite a few people have related their fear and horror about dentists. And it makes me feel better in relation to Pokemon Boy. But it makes me SO sad. Because my former Boston dentist ROCKED. He was SO in tune to people's fears regarding the dentist, he was exactly how ALL dentists should be. It just stinks because there are SO many awesome dentists. But since we only go every 6 months, if you get a bad one, you feel kind of stuck. It's such a hard thing to switch. Most people will just put up with it since it's basically 2 to 4 days out of your year. But you shouldn't. If you get a lemon, try another one. THEY have to transfer your records. All you have to do is tell them where. It's worth switching if you have a bad experience.

So today was Pokemon Boy's first day back to school after his spring break. And I got a call from his teacher. Oh boy, thought I. BUT...she was calling to tell me that he go a 100 on his TAKS reading test. For those of you like me that have no clue what that is - it's standardized testing that all the kids take in 3rd, 4th & 5th grades in our elementary schools. It's one of those all-day testing things. Very scary for 3rd graders as it's their first time taking an all-day test. He was very nervous. But he came home feeling like he probably did ok. That was a few weeks ago. So this is very cool. I'm so proud of him. And I'm so thankful that he got this nice success right at this particular moment.

So YAY Pokemon Boy!!!!

Anxiety Disorders and The Dentist

Pokemon Boy had his first real dentist appointment this past week. Yes, he's eight. Yes, most parents bring their kids to the dentist way before they are eight. I never went until I was 13 and had very few cavities. I made the assumption that Pokemon Boy would have my teeth. Plus, he's such a non-sugar eating kid. Plus, I'm lazy. Throw stones all you perfect people.

Anyway, it was our first visit to this dentist. So you have to fill out all the forms and check all the boxes. I can usually just check all the N/A boxes for all of the diseases or disorders. For Pokemon Boy, I had to check the box that indicated he had a "mental disorder". Man, I hate those lists. "Mental disorder" is not what I would put. But they didn't label it any nicer. I'd prefer neurological issues or something. Ah well, I can't always get the euphemisms I'd like. So I had to check the box that came close enough. Guh. They left a place to indicate how I thought my child would react to treatment. I put something like, "He will be scared and nervous but I think he will cooperate."

Fortunately, this place is a kids' dentist office. They deal only with kids. And therefore, they have dealt with it all. Almost everyone in there is amazingly patient and has mad skillz with the kids. The guy who took Pokemon Boy's x-rays was amazing. I could hear Pokemon Boy asking rather frantically, "What IS that? Is it going to hurt?!" and such. He patiently explained all of the equipment and got the x-rays.

When it was time to get him into the reclining chair, he wouldn't have any of it. He asked, "Is that so I can't get up? Will it keep me there?!" Wow. There are times his anxiety disorder really surprises me. I can never predict where his mind will go and what will freak him out. The reclining chair really freaked him out. They finally talked him into the chair (with quite a few mom-glares from me). At the first visit, it's just x-rays and a cleaning. So they showed him the electric toothbrush and the suction thing. He wouldn't let them use the suction thing. The way it's set up, there is no spit sink next to the chair. So they had to accommodate him, letting him get up and walk to a sink to spit. It didn't scare him. It just "didn't feel good." *sigh* They got his teeth counted, examined and cleaned. Unfortunately, the tooth cleaning woman should not be working with kids (in my opinion). At one point, Pokemon Boy was really upset and didn't want her to put anything in his mouth. He was starting to cry and I was pulled into another room for a review of his x-rays so I couldn't really help. Well, I guess she said to him, "You are crying like a baby. You're a big boy and shouldn't cry." Yes. Very good. By all means, eight year olds LOVE being called a baby. Right up there with being accused of liking the opposite sex. He was VERY upset by her comment. I can see where she might have been going with that comment but it was a poor choice for a kid clearly very freaked out.

So during the whole visit, he questioned everything. Which is pretty normal for an eight year old's first dentist visit. But he wouldn't let them do anything until he was ok with their answers. He pushed their hands away a few times when he was freaked out. All in all, it was less than ideal. But it could have been way worse.

To top it all off, my hopes of no cavities were stupid. He may not eat tons of candy or cake but he drinks juice and lemonade almost exclusively. He'll drink water periodically. But I am an idiot for not paying attention to that. Sugared drinks of any kind sit on the teeth. Even if you brush twice a day, all of that sugar just sits on your teeth for most of the day. YARGH. Anyway, he has to have major work done on three molars (baby teeth, fortunately). One has to be pulled.

So based on his reactions in the office for just x-rays and cleaning, they can't do the work in the office. They are going to put him under general anesthesia to do it all. It kills me. Mostly because all of this was easily avoidable if I had just been diligent about his brushing and flossing. Oh well.

Pokemon Boy is very anxious about the procedure. He's asking me how they'll put him to sleep and the truth is, I have no idea. He is really scared of needles even though he has always done well with them. The thought of the gas mask scares him even though he's had it three times before and did fine. It's so much easier to do surgeries or major procedures on little kids. Because they don't know what to expect. They don't invent scenarios in their heads. And they don't really retain the memories of it.

So while Pokemon Boy's anxiety disorder doesn't horribly affect his day to day life, it's situations like this where it rears its head. And I feel so helpless. And while we're being honest here, I just felt so frustrated in the dentist's office. I should have tried to prepare him for what was coming. But I didn't - opting for not making him worry about what was coming. I never know what to do.

That one impatient lady really irked me. I don't really blame her. They were way behind because some girl's procedures went way longer than expected. So she really didn't have the time to coddle some upset kid that she thought of as too old to freak out. I understand that. But it was just the kind of thing that puts your stomach in knots as the mom. There's an element of wanting to rip her head off. There's an element of embarrassment because you know your kid is under the eye of other people who don't understand his issues. There's an element of heart ache that your kid is so stressed out over something that may now become one of those totally feared and hated things. I have never had issues with going to the dentist. And I think some people work themselves into a big tizzy over it and turn it into a big deal unnecessarily. I hope he can work past this and not have it be a big deal every time.

Thankfully Pokemon Boy believes in God and prayer. He has asked me to pray about his teeth every night. Mostly for peace about the upcoming procedure. Which is a month away. So we're praying about it. And I'm actually asking God to fix his teeth. I have no idea where God stands on that but it can't hurt to ask. Mostly I ask God to make Pokemon Boy ok with the whole concept.

*sigh*

In The Waiting Room With Lil'Bro

So today, the boys visited their play therapist. Pokemon Boy asked a week ago to see him after some anger issues. Things are ok with him. But while he was in with the play therapist, Lil'Bro was with me in the waiting room. The play therapist let him select some toys to bring out into the waiting room with us. Here are some snippets from our 30 minute wait:

Lil'Bro pretends to shoot me with a toy cap gun. I feign injury and collapse into a chair.
Lil'Bro: "Don't worry mom. It's a pretend gun."
Me: "Are you sure?"
LB: Opens side door for caps. "See? No batteries!"

Lil'Bro walks up handing me a toy.
LB: "Mom, can you help me open these hand cups?"

Aside from the cap gun and hand cuffs, Lil'Bro had also selected a plastic sword. I had no sword. But I had my iPod Touch. And I had downloaded the Lightsaber application. All it does is make light saber sounds from the Star Wars movies as you move your iPod around. It's simple, silly and it totally ROCKS. Lil'Bro was thrilled to have a 15 minute light saber/sword fight with his mom.

The waiting room has some duplo blocks and a Mr. Potato-Head/Darth Vadar set. Lil'Bro got Mr. Potato-Head all decked out and proceeded to talk real deep as he walked Mr. Potato-Head around.
LB: "I am DARTH TATER!" [which is what it's really called but it's hysterical coming out of a five year old in a "deep" voice]

Those were just some highlights of 30 minutes in a waiting room with my five year old.

A St. Patty's Day Rant

Brought to you by the woman who was nearly run off the road about 3 times tonight on her way home from having dinner with a friend.

Dear Idiots Who Are Not Sitting In Jail Charged With Vehicular Manslaughter,

You are idiots. Yes, I realize that as a God-girl I'm supposed to be forgiving. But for the moment, you are idiots.

Please explain to me where in the story of St Patrick's abduction to Ireland, escape back to Britain, fifteen years of religious training, return to Ireland and subsequent missionary work with Christians in Ireland, where is the part about where you're supposed to go drink yourself into a stupor and then get behind the wheel to wreak havoc on the open road? I must have missed that part in my readings. Or on the History channel.

To the chick in the baby blue Jaguar that nearly took out the right side of my car, I hope you didn't eventually kill anyone else. Happy St Patrick's day! I'm sure he's up there going, "Great job, lass!"

To the car with the Cheech and Chong smoke coming out of the sun roof that nearly took out the LEFT side of my car, then nearly careened into the guard rail, somehow recovered control only to ride about 6 inches off the back bumper of that silver car flashing your lights for about 2 miles, right ON! You have captured the spirit of all of St Patrick's hard work.

To the red 5 door car that nearly took out my left front headlight and then sped through stop signs into my own neighborhood, I hope you are appreciating the fact that you're now puking in your own toilet and not one in the county jail.

Hoist a pint. I get it. I did it. But dang, people, killing others with your stupidity is NOT part of this holiday.

Sincerely,

The Sober Chick Who Only Made It Home Because God Totally Rocks

My New Favorite Romantic Movie!

Thanks to everyone who sent sweet notes about Clark. His funeral will be this Saturday out in Cali. Our pastor and Clark's brother's roommate are flying out there tomorrow. It is expected that the turnout will be massive. I always think that is such a wonderful testimony to how much that person touched this world. God is good and I know he will bless that gathering.

And in a very unnatural and awkward segue... I am in LOVE with a romantic movie. In LOVE, I tell yah!

I have always loved the 1944 version of Jane Eyre with a young Orson Wells and an impossibly lovely Joan Fontaine. But - having been a math/science dork with a reading block - I never read the book. And therefore never understood the layers of pain that brought Jane to Thornfield Hall. They hint at sadness and abuse but nothing like that of which Ms. Bronte wrote. No sirree Bob!

So in my quest to dig into the whole period piece romantic drama, I began with movies based on Ms. Austen's stories. And still have many of them on my NetFlix queue. But I broke it up with a version of Jane Eyre. It's another one of those amazing love stories that really is bad stuff for us single, recently divorced chicks to watch. And yet, watch I do.

I selected the 2006 Masterpiece Theater (pronounced in my head as "thee-tah") version of Jane Eyre. It's two discs and I'm cheap so I get one at a time. As I write this, I am fully in love with the first disc and am DYING until the second gets here. Ok, dying is a bit dramatic. But I can't wait and am giddy like a moon-eyed school girl with anticipation! [Note to self: Get out more.]


First off, the story starts when Jane is a bit of a girl. So again, thank you British story tellers for actually giving us all the back story which totally makes the rest of it all make SENSE. And the young Jane is brilliantly played by Georgie Henley (most recently Lucy in the wonderful Chronic-WHAT-cles of Narnia).

And then the movie cuts to the actress who plays the adult Jane and I am a complete sucker. Because she LOOKS like she could be the younger actress all grown up. I'm a sucker for actors that actually LOOK alike when the story needs them to. In this case, the adult actress acts the role out of the park. Grown up Jane is beautifully played by Ruth Wilson - with whom, I admit, I am unfamiliar. But she's just the right amount of gorgeous but "not quite a true beauty" as one character cruelly observes.

Now Mr. Rochester, here is a tough casting call in my opinion. He needs to be handsome enough but not too much so. And he needs to be strong, brooding and on the edge of mean. But in a sympathetic way. Yah, is that asking so much? Well, whoever the casting director was on this did a great job in my book. Toby Stephens gallops into screen and I am all excited because I've only ever seen this actor as a bad guy in a Pierce Brosnan James Bond movie. So here he is, all strong, brooding and on the edge of mean.

Let me tell you, the friendship built between Jane and Mr. Rochester is completely believable. And it's so real, it makes me think I want to relate to men like Jane does. With complete honesty and no hidden agenda. As the respect builds and begins to change to something more, it is palpable and made me root for them, even knowing the ending. Oh it's just genius!

I love it love it love it. I cannot WAIT for disc two to get here. And I think this will go on my Christmas list for 2009. I could watch this over and over and over.

So there's my new favorite romantic movie. For now.

Goodbye For Now, Clark

Today, one of our extended church family passed from this life into the next. I know that I should be happy for him. Clark isn't suffering in pain any more. He finally gets to meet Jesus face to face. We all know he's in a better place. And though I believe all of that with all my heart, it still just makes me sad. Sad that a 16 year old should have to die. I only met Clark a couple of times. He's the youngest brother of two of our church members. They're all such a great family. His older brother and sister are two of the finest people I know.

Anyway, a lot of you were praying for Clark and I thank you. His family sent a message to our pastors thanking everyone for their prayers. Clark's family believes he is with God and knows they will see him again when we're all there together. But the human reality is that they will miss him terribly until that happens. Your continued prayers for their family would be appreciated.

I just wanted to share a picture of Clark here. He is a wonderful kid. I have no doubt heaven is loving having him there.

Tics and The Power Of Prayer

I know there are plenty of people that think I'm nuts for counting on God or prayer to stave off Tourette's and its spectrum of manifestations.  Truth be told, if anyone had told be prior to 2005 that I'd really be counting on this kind of faith to counter "real life" issues that don't seem spiritual?  I probably would have thought they were nuts.  But here we are.  And here I am.  Too much direct intervention from God has happened in my life for me to turn back now.

Blah blah blah.

I just find it very interesting that, since my February 19th post, Pokemon Boy came home - almost the next day - telling me how he has felt more tics at school.  Here's a Feb 23rd email I sent to my closest friends and family asking for prayer.  Just easier to copy it here than to try to remember it all.

[PokemonBoy] has been having some facial tics develop over the last few weeks.  Most are pretty minor and unnoticeable.  But he told me tonight that he thinks he had some tics at school (most of his tics are under control while at school).  I asked him to show me.  They are all facial tics involving the mouth and cheek muscles.  The three he showed me today would be pretty noticeable but nothing too bad.  They are all hard to describe without seeing them.  But the main one I see lately is just a quick upper lip thing that exposes the top teeth very quickly.  It's usually combined with a quick crinkle of the nose too.  The other three all involved opening his mouth real wide, clinching his facial muscles and touching the sides of his face.  He told me the sides of his face felt hot (which they didn't to me).

Anyway, [PokemonBoy] has been virtually tic-free for a long time.  Since the 2006 diagnosis, I have really put this in God's hands and continue to do so.  I'm coming to you guys as my prayer warriors.  You have prayed [PokemonBoy] through his kidney stuff.  You've prayed me through my divorce.  I know you'll pray with me on this one.  Pray how you're lead but I have been asking God for the following: 

• total healing of the Tourette's
• [PokemonBoy] to be able to control his body
• peace so [PokemonBoy] doesn't worry about this
• good true friends that will always accept [PokemonBoy] no matter what
  

As you know, [PokemonBoy]'s Tourette's is amazing in how mild it is.  Please pray with me that it remains that way and actually completely goes away.  Most of the documentation shows that the majority of Tourette's cases are diagnosed around the ages of 8 or 9 - mostly because this is when it escalates enough for people to say, ok, this isn't just normal.  I'm trying not to pay into that belief but I will admit that it scares me with him being 8 1/2.  So prayer against giving in to that fear would help, too.

After sending out that email, I also started praying against it all with him.  Our nightly prayers usually consist of me putting my hands on him and addressing anything on our minds.  When it's prayer for healing, I always make sure my hands are on him.  I'm lucky that he also takes this very seriously.

So here we are on the 26th.  And I haven't seen any of the facial tics today.  Not even the most common one where he bares his top teeth.

I'm still all over this.  I don't believe in fast-food prayer.  Well, that's not true.  I do it all the time.  The quick once or twice prayer and then I forget.  But certain things, I am persistent.  This will be one.  This has been one.  And God will get the glory.  I have no doubt.

Just wanted to share.

A Five Year Old's Take On Death

So Lil'Bro was upset the other night. I don't even recall how the subject came up. It could have started as innocently as speculating what all will be in heaven. However it came about, Lil'Bro became very withdrawn and upset about dying.

It was after bath time and the boys were freshly dried and pajama'd. They were lying in my bed enjoying time under my ginormous comforter. But Lil'Bro was anxious. Pokemon Boy and I asked what was wrong and he just kept saying, "I just don't want to die." At moments like these, I always mentally slap my head and think, "Why did we take this avenue of discussion?" I brought up all of the usual things that never seem to lift the fears:

• It won't happen for a long long time. You don't need to worry about it now. [Which is akin to "Think about something else," an equally useless statement.]
• It's only the end to this physical life and the beginning of our new life forever with God!
• We finally get to meet Jesus and ask him anything!
• We get to meet everyone who has gone before us (and start listing cool people from history and the bible).
• God has a plan for you and that includes a long life.
• [Insert feeble attempt to put a positive spin on death for a 5 yr old here]
  

I just couldn't reach back far enough into the dark recesses of my dusty childhood memory to recall the exact source of anxiety surrounding the concept of death.

I tried, "Is it because you'll miss all the people that you'll leave here?" A weak nod. Pokemon Boy cheerfully offered, "Well, mom will go before you so she'll already BE there!" True, albeit morbid. But that's the plan, anyway.

We went on like this for a few minutes and real tears were forming in Lil'Bro's eyes. It was killing me. I hate moments like this. Finally, between sniffs, Lil'Bro said, "I just don't want to leave Buddy [his favorite stuffed animal]." Oh. Now I get it. Man, it broke my heart. I was flooded with those feelings of absolute love and loyalty I had as a kid to certain stuffed animals, blankets and, later, pets. Oh yah. I get it. I couldn't imagine the fear he felt at the thought of having to leave Buddy behind.

"You know," I started, "God can do anything. And I bet he could even make sure Buddy was in heaven with you. I bet God will make sure heaven is so wonderful for you. And if he thinks you need Buddy there with you, God can get Buddy in heaven for you." He smiled. And hugged Buddy closer.

Now, I have no idea what heaven will be like. Much to the dismay of my boys. They pepper me with questions about it all the time. I'm not Paul. I'm not privy to what heaven will be like. I just know it will rock beyond anything I can come up with. So while God might not have Buddy up in heaven? It will be so awesome, we won't care. But I also know that what I said wasn't a lie. If God can poof the entire cosmos into being with a single word, I have no doubt he could have Buddy in heaven for Lil'Bro. Either way, I'm not worried about it. And I didn't want Lil'Bro to worry about it. Just know God will make it rock so much we won't know what to DO with it all.

Anyway, thought I'd just share this because it seriously was one of the sweetest and most heart-rending moments I've had lately.

What's This Blog About Again?

Oh that's right. I have a son with Tourette's.

You know, I have to smile when I realize I hardly ever post about Tourette's. This means that Pokemon Boy hasn't been manifesting TS much. At least, not in a physical way. And most of his issues related to his anxiety disorder are the kind of anxious foibles most 8 yr olds are dealing with. Maybe his are a smidge higher up on the drama scale because of personality, living with divorce, having a bad day. It's hard to say. And I am loathe to chalk every action or reaction up to "Oh, that must be the Tourette's."

But I thought I'd give you an update on how he's doing.

Pokemon Boy (aka: The Litigator, Mr. Attitude, The Certified Genius - all depending on the day and who you ask) has been having some physical tic-like things lately. God rocks. And I say this because his tics are nothing in the spectrum of what could be. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post. He has most of his repetitive actions happening in the face. The mouth, mostly. Right now he does this thing with his lower lip that I can't even do. Like, have you ever flipped your lower lip way down (I have to use my hand to do it) so that the inner part of the lip is showing? Does that make sense? Well, PB can do it by sticking the lower lip out and doing a smiling motion. And it just flips his lip down. Then he pops it back into place. It all happens in just a few seconds. But he usually does this quite a few times in succession. Maybe 3 or 4 times in a row, just a second or two apart. The other mouth thing has been less this week. Man, it's really hard to describe these things in words. And you know what? I can't. I'd have to post a video showing you and I don't feel like doing that in case he looks at this. But it's almost like he quickly bites the insides of both cheeks and then slowly pulls the cheek muscles back to normal. It's very quick and repeated a few times in a row.

Those are really the only things I notice. I actually think the lower lip thing resulted from some bad winter chapping of the skin right below his lower lip. I think it morphed into a repetitive motion for him. Last night he did it quite a few times in front of me and it was rather noticeable. So I just asked, "Hey, what's with the mouth? Anything going on?" He just said no and that was it. Sometimes he'll take that opportunity to tell me how it feels or if it bothers him. So this must not bother him. And that's great.

That's the physical. Like I said, not much. By itself, it's nothing you'd even really think about. So thank you, God!

Emotionally, I'm not really sure. He has a lot of anger lately. Some of his recent behavior reminds me of kids I've known that are more like 12. You know, that surly preteen stuff that signals, "Oh boy, here it comes." I told my mom, man, if this is any indication, the teen years are gonna be a LOT of work. But I refuse to pay into self-fullfilling prophecies. Nothing HAS to be. So my mom and I have started attacking this with prayer. I'm just asking God to show me what the anger is from. Show me what he needs. Show me how I can give him what he needs. I don't know if he just needs a guy around. He really thrives when men visit and spend time with him. I don't know if he just needs to be outside running himself ragged more. He and Lil'Bro are rather addicted to screens (TV, computer, friend's video games). But even when they're not doing screen time, they love indoor play. And as a single mom who is usually working, it's hard for me to take time out to get them outside. Our area is safe but not enough for me to send two little boys outside by themselves to play in the neighborhood. Or maybe it's the whole divorce thing. You just never know when and how that hits. So often he seems fine with it. And if that IS his issue? He's not saying so.

The good thing here is, last month, he asked to see his play therapist. Since I just got my severance check, 'tis time to make an appointment.

My never ending question remains: When do you chalk behavior up to a kid being a kid and when is it their bigger diagnosis at play? Thankfully, I don't really need to know. I just keep asking God to show me.

Oh, and here's a nice little example of Mr. Surley Pants: yesterday, I took some of my savings and bought an iPod Touch. It's not the phone. It plays music, videos, accesses the internet and has a ton of fun free games you an download. So I brought it home and downloaded lots of kids' games. When PB got home, I said, hey I have a surprise for you. And I showed him the iPod and told him I'd share it with him and Lil'Bro as long as it didn't get fought over and they asked permission, etc. He immediately set about learning it (faster than I did). He loved it. But suddenly he was calling it HIS iPod. Asking, "Where's my iPod?" There were comments made about how he wouldn't be sharing. It was really really odd. At first I thought he was just joking. But he was dead serious. At one point, after a particularly snotty exchange, I told him, "You know, I have 30 days to return this for a full refund. If we butt heads over this, it will go back and I won't even bat an EYE!" He was mellow for the rest of the night. But this morning, our school-ride buddy showed up and he said, "My mom gave me an iPod." I was all, "Excuse me?" So at this point, I really am thinking I don't need such a decadent toy and I might just return it. And this is definitely making me rethink the possibility of getting him a Nintendo DS hand-held gaming system for the end of the school year (if he gets all A's the whole year, which he's on track to do).

This is an interesting ride.

Jane Austen: Is She Ruining My Dating Chances?

For years, girlfriends of mine swooned and pined over Jane Austen stories.  Or more, her characters.  I never understood the allure of stories like 'Pride & Prejudice'.  I was too busy being a tom boy.  Too busy trying to be hip in the music scene.  Too busy trying never to be a dainty frail female that can't open her own doors or her own pickle jars.  I couldn't stand that image and worked very hard to be the exact opposite.

So while my friends read 'Wuthering Heights' and the like, I stuck with my science fiction and fantasy.  No dainties there, thank you very much.

[A note: my tact above is very useful if you'd like to be best friends with every guy you know yet never have them give you a second look as a dating option.  Knock yourselves out, girls.]

So many of my Awesome Blogger Chicks are fans of Jane Austen.  I silently rolled my eyes as they all discussed and compared and related.  A Boston friend insisted I just had to watch 'Pride & Prejudice' with her.  Ummm...no thanks.  I had seen some of the recent Hollywood work-ups of Ms. Austen's stories.  Which is probably the first problem right there.  If it's cast with a bunch of mincing Americans doing HORRID British accents, I'm going to have trouble with it.  If it's also edited to fit the general western attention span (or maybe it's our bladder size), you will miss some very important detail that explains why everyone seemed to be in an uproar when so and so had done such and such.

Enter NetFlix.

In trying to fill my queue with an alternating list of movies that my young boys and I might enjoy (one week a kid's movie, the next week a mom movie), I decided maybe it was time to check out Mr. Colin Firth and all of his swoon-inducing work.

I had been sternly informed that any version of 'Pride & Prejudice' that didn't have Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy was pure poo.  I've only seen two versions.  First, I tried the 2005 Hollywood one with Keira Knightly and Matthew Macfadyen.  Then, I obeyed my friends and got the 1995 BBC TV miniseries with Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth.

Now, the 2005 version is visually stunning.  Knightly's Elizabeth is just a bit too...snotty.  Yes, I get the that the title rather implies this might be her issue in life.  But for the time period, she is way too bold.  And while I love her in certain roles, I had trouble buying her as her character.  I kept going, "Oh, there's Keira Knightly in a bad dye job."  But then Macfadyen's Mr. Darcy, I have to say I loved him.  I can see how some might say that he was just way too sad-puppy-ish in his facial expressions.  But this worked for me.  I see Darcy as much more saddened by his shortfalls rather than all pissed off.  At times, however, this sadness played a bit wimpy for me.  There needs to be a balance between the sadness and smoldering anger.  Initially, I also found this actor "not good looking enough."  Because I am an American and am totally hung up on beauty.  However, I loved that he totally made me believe the character.  So I'd watch and think, "Oh poor Mr. Darcy is in love with Keira Knightly in a bad dye job!"

My other issue with the 2005 version is the editing they did to keep theater-goers happy.  It's like trying to squeeze 'Lawrence of Arabia' or 'Ghandi' into a 2 hr movie.  You're going to miss some very vital character or situation development.  I remember watching this 2005 version first thinking, "Why is everyone in such an uproar over Lydia Bennet's doings?"  I also didn't really get the whole back story that made Wickham such a scoundrel.  It wasn't very clear.

In the 1995 mini series, Ehle's Elizabeth is appropriately beautiful, but not too.  She is also appropriately indignant at life's injustices relating to social and sexual differences.  But she's not rude.  She's amusingly and intelligently impertinent, which is what I would expect Ms. Austen to be going for.  I did have a problem with the actress playing the "beautiful" Jane.  She was pretty.  But really not all that much.  In the costume and hair of the period, she was a bit...well, it just fell short of inspiring the launch of all of Troy's ships, you know?  But I got over it because her acting was spot on.  Colin Firth as Darcy was visually perfect.  I felt his anger could have been mixed with a bit more sadness.  He just always seemed all pissed off.  How is that endearing?  Anyway, Mr. Firth can act however he wants and I will still adore him.  When he shows love or empathy on screen, I buy it.  Hook, line and sinker.  No matter what movie.  I prefer the 2005 Bingley to the 1995 one.  But again, it still worked for me.

The 1995 version also gives you the whole back story of everyone.  It shows all of the inappropriate missteps of poor Elizabeth's mother and younger sisters.  It gave all the details of why Wickham sucks eggs.  I got all the innuendo.  All in all, I loved it.  And then I called my Boston friend to apologize for ever having turned my nose up at it!

Last night, I watched 'Sense & Sensibility'.  It's the 2008 BBC miniseries.  I loved it.  I think I'd still like to see a version of this with someone else as Col. Brandon (perhaps Mr. Firth?).

Anyway, this has turned into A Former Tomboy Reviews 'Pride & Prejudice' posting.  Which wasn't my intent.

I have to tell you that, any version of Pride & Prejudice that I see, I am left with an empty pining feeling.  Pining for the elusive and imaginary Mr. Darcy.  I don't believe he exists.  And if he does, it's only for a year or two.  I so desperately want to believe in true love but, having only experience fake versions, I doubt it's existence.  I can lose myself in the movie and smile and get all teary eyed.  But then I think how sorry I feel for any man that crosses my path now.  How will he ever live up to Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy?  I don't for a minute believe that a man of 2009 will climb any mountain, swim any ocean, crawl across any dessert.  I don't see many men of today steal a glance at their girlfriend/wife with that "How did I get so lucky?" sappy look.  I don't see many men treating marriage as anything more than Extreme Dating.

So Jane Austen has ruined my chances at dating.  Mr. Darcy and Edward Ferrars don't exist.  So God's miracle will be either A) create a Mr. Darcy for me or B) shake me into reality and help me live there.

We'll see.

Reason #42 Why BK Beats McDs

I know way too much about fast food in my area.  When you have a major life tragedy and you have kids, one thing you might do (I mean, I've read that people do this) is do take out.  All the time.  For a long time.

It's disgusting.  But it's a coping mechanism I utilized for the better part of 2007 and a good part of 2008.  Until finances started running dry and I did the math on how much I spent even on cheap fast food.  And nearly threw up.

Blah blah blah fast food is evil and I'm just lucky my kids weren't already fat little porkers and could handle lots of it.  Lately, I have been making food at home.  Fast food or eating out at all is back to being a luxury or treat (thank you mom, dad, BigSis and her TallHubby).

So last Tuesday, I was having a day with Lil'Bro at home (he's home from preschool this month so we can have living money until the severance check comes).  For lunch, I thought, let's splurge and head to our local Burger King.  It's right around the corner.  Dangerous proximity.  But they have a great little game room and it would give him some fun time out of the house.  I knew it wasn't the best use of my tight expenses but went anyway.

As I ordered my big splurge of a meal, it rang up to $7 and change.  No biggie.  I was about to swipe my card when the manager walked over saying, "Hold on," to the cashier.  He pushed some buttons and told her, "She comes here all the time.  I want to take care of her."  Lil'Bro and I had a nice lunch to the tune of $3.00.  This guy didn't know I had been laid off.  He may have surmised my single motherhood over the months.  But still.  I thought that was pretty cool.  As I sat there eating my spicy chicken wrap, I kept asking God to bless that guy.  Just give him some kind of huge blessing that he'd know was totally from God.

I just love things like that.  Just random acts of kindness.  Reminds me that there are lots of people out there who know how to show God's love.  Even in little things like cutting a junk food meal's price in half for a laid off single mom.

So not only is their meat better quality, but their workers consistently take care of me and my kids.  From bringing a dancing Lil'Bro a crown because he was the king of dancing, to letting my kids trade their Kids Meal toy because "I already have this one," to letting my boys substitute Chicken Fries as a Big Kids Meal.  BK beats McDs.

Financial Peace University

My church is offering a 13 week class called Financial Peace University.  When I first heard the name, I admit, I thought it a bit schmarmy.  When I first heard the accompanying acronym FPU, I giggled because, inside, I'm 4.  Anything with PU in it will forever be funny to me.

Given the timing of the class, the fact that it's being facilitated by one of our church members, and that the premise makes complete sense, I signed up.  The fact that I didn't have the money for the materials (workbook, book, forms, lots of DVDs and other stuff) didn't matter.  It's important enough to my church that they fronted me until I have the cash.  They provide child care, too.  So all obstacles removed, I went tonight for the first class.

I am SO jazzed right now.  If I could, I would pay to have the kit sent to everyone I know.  And I would beg them to do the course online or at home or at any local offering.  The courses teach you everything from how to pay off your debt, how to build up an emergency savings fund (and defines that "emergency" does not mean things like pizza cravings or a new boat), how to talk to creditors, how to invest, shopping for mortgages, insurance, etc.  It covers the gambit of finances.  It teaches you a new discipline - a life change - away from that "buy now, pay later" mentality most of us are in.

It sounded a little weird.  You go and watch videos of Dave Ramsey speak.  Ok...and I can't do this from home...why?  Well, you can.  And some friends of mine are actually going to do it that way.  But I'm going to a group class.  We all talk and share experiences, thoughts, questions.  It's all confidential.  I actually joked that ok, I guess I won't blog about anyone's guilty secrets.  But maybe I will share some of mine some day.  I'm sure my story is not as bad as some.  And I'm sure it would make some squirm.  Either way, in my book?  It ain't good.

The goal is to teach us how to take control of our finances.  How to stop throwing our money away.  How to have a plan for down the road.  I used to feel that kind of stuff was against the Christian ideals I had.  It seemed greedy.  It seemed gluttonous.  It seemed lacking in faith.  Well, I've been reading the old testament these last few months.  And I was surprised (even before this class) to read how many times the old testament basically comes out and says, hey, don't owe anyone and don't lend to anyone.  Don't put yourself at the mercy of a lender.  Store up your resources for those bad times like famines and lean times.

Well, let's see...personally, I have been a slave to the credit card companies since I was in my 20s.  Almost every time I get a positive savings balance, I piss it away on some ridiculous excuse for an "emergency".  If my car dies tomorrow, I actually have no way to pay for the fix because my credit cards are all maxed and have been shut off.  If I have a huge illness, same deal.  I'm a single mother of two, people!  This is not the way to live.  And all of the leeway you can cut me because of the divorce?  That doesn't count for all the stupid debt I've accrued.  The divorce itself - the lawyer fees?  That accounts for maybe about...let me think...maybe 1/3 of my current debt.  Maybe.  The rest is my own stupidity.

Now, let me tell you this: even though it's bible based?  I don't think it would really offend anyone's sensibilities.  My ex isn't a huge fan of "Christianity" as a whole.  Looking around, I don't really blame him.  But I sat in the class tonight thinking, I bet the ex would actually LIKE this class.  Dave Ramsey is spot on.  There wasn't anything he said that was off.  The bible scriptures are in the work book for reference.  They're not screamed at you.  He's not preaching hellfire and brimstone.  He's just pointing out truths that everyone there could own.  We all sat there nodding our heads and going, "Oh man, that's me!"  And this guy is FUNNY.  He has lived the hell himself.  He talks about it some.  He's not some greedy rich guy trying to make money off of you.  He has walked it and he lives it and he lays out a plan that anyone can follow.  It will look different for everyone.  It will take me longer than my friend who sat next to me.  But it will work.

So I'm taking it by the horns.  I will take this course and put it into action.  And when all is said and done?  I will have 3 to 6 months of living expenses in a true emergency savings account.  I will have all my debt paid off except my mortgage.  And that I will be working to pay off early.  I will buy things in cash.  I will no longer be slave to Visa and Master Card.  I will live like our grandparents most likely did.  And their parents.  I will SAVE up and THEN buy something.  I have about 25 years of habit to unlearn there, folks.

This won't happen over night.  It probably won't be completed this year.  I don't care.  I'm on a mission to undo this mess.  And God is already showing me how he's on my side on this one.  If this interests you in the SLIGHTEST, check out the link I gave above.  I'm not getting any kickback.  I'm not advertising.  I'm just thinking that now is a good time to take some hard steps.

I'm just sayin'...

God Rockin' Some Extra Cash

I wish I had the time to blog every single day.  Because this post is really much more significant if you could see the financial balancing act I've been doing (poorly).  It's my own fault, really.  I'm one of those "poor American victims" that is tight financially.  And when I use those quotation marks, I'm being sarcastic.  I'm one of the majority of Americans (or westerners in general) that has lived in the Buy Now/Pay Later mode.  It's stupidity in action, yet the majority of us live this way.  We buy ourselves into a large debt corner and then our politicians stroke this to get elected by calling us "victims of Wall Street" or some other large financial entity.

Whatever.  That's a whole other rant I could fill an entire blog site with.

Suffice it to say - when the ex left, I hardly had any debt.  Once he left, I used any excuse to rationalize pulling out the credit cards again.  Lots of guilt purchases to make the boys feel better when they're sad.  Lots of purchases to get things ahead of time - before I needed them - you know...to be "prepared".  Lots of purchases just to sooth my addiction.  I have discovered that buying things - and not even huge things - makes me feel good.  Like, just walking through a store and picking up stuff...I don't know how to describe it.  It's a comfort thing.  And then there is the trap of everyone who has been emotionally hurt.  What's your go-to thing?  Food?  Mine can be.  But not as much as "you deserve something nice after having your heart dragged through 952 miles of poo."  And then of course I made the actual necessary or obligatory payments (like lawyer fees, food, clothes, GAS).  Those are the ones that would have been ok, had I made ONLY those.

So over the last almost two years, I have wracked up my credit to stupid levels.  I went back to living paycheck to paycheck.  I drained my savings.  Then I started doing the old, let's see...which card do I not pay THIS month?  Oh it's just so HORRID if you realize that in 2002, the ex and I already bailed ourselves out of the same situation and swore NEVER AGAIN.

Lately, I have been working very hard to not ask for a bailout from anyone (ie - my parents).  In mid 2008, when I started feeling that a layoff was closer to reality than not, my main prayer was, "God, if I have to be laid off, PLEASE let there be a severance package."  In Oct 2008, I got the layoff news.  With a severance package.  And it's a good package for someone with 22 yrs under her belt.  So that was a huge relief and man, I have been thanking God for that one, big time!  Unfortunately, the severance package doesn't come immediately.  And as you keep pushing debt back into the dark recesses of your mental store room, it grows.  Exponentially.  I feel like I am living to just squeak my way to that severance check.  Which blows in and of itself.

A while ago, I stopped just going, "Help!" when praying.  I decided to own up.  I said, Ok God, I totally screwed up.  I admit it.  I got myself into this mess and I'm sorry.  Now I need your help to get out of it.  As you've seen in this blog, he has provided free fridge repair.  He has made my checking account miraculously stretch when I had plane ticket snafus.  He just keeps coming through.  So when it got worse recently and I started having to ignore all phone calls from numbers I didn't recognize?  That was when I owned up.  And I just said, "God help me do this.  Help me fix this."  I didn't even know what that would look like.  I just knew he'd come through.

Last Friday was my last paycheck from Big Ol' Financial Company.  Yesterday, I grudgingly sat down to decide which bills to pay and which to ignore.  It's a nauseating feeling when you sit down to face your own financial stupidity.  So with a sigh, I sat down at the computer.  First thing I did was check my checking account.  Get that balanced to see how much I actually had to work with.  I opened it up and the balance was WAY bigger than it should have been.  Wha...?  My first thought was, oh great.  That's all I need is to deal with my now former-company because they overpaid me.  So I pulled up the pay stub and saw that this paycheck contained my compensation for all of the vacation days from 2008 that I hadn't taken!  I thought that would have been in the severance payment!  Can you believe that?  And let me tell you, this is not just a couple extra dollars.  Not even a couple hundred.  This was more than $1000 more than I was expecting!!!!  Seriously, I had to call my mom and my sister to freak out about how God provided this unexpected extra cash right NOW - at THIS particularly bleak moment.  Does that not ROCK people???

Chalk it up to coincidence.  Dismiss it if you want.  But the timing of it...just when I finally 'fess up and really give it up to God without any expectations.  THAT is God, my friends.

So yesterday, I sat down and paid all of my utilities, my car payment, and I paid all of my credit cards up to date.  I didn't pay anything off.  But that's ok.  I paid them all current.  And on a couple of them, that is like 3 months worth.  I have been thanking God ever since!

I know this country (and dare I say world) is going to be roughing it this next year.  And a lot of people are jumping on the fear band wagon.  Sadly, many of them are Christians - the ones that talk all the talk about living in daily faith, trusting in God.  Well, I'll tell you what these last two years of struggle have done for me: they have shown me what it looks like to wake up and live each day believing God will get you through it.  That part in the Lord's prayer where it says, "Give us this day, our daily bread..." - it's saying "Give me what I need to make it through today."  It's not saying, give me a lottery winning.  It's not saying set me up for life.  It's saying I trust you to provide what I need today.  And I'll trust you'll do it again tomorrow.

That's how I'm gonna live.  Because if I buy into the fear, I'll be back on the anxiety meds in no time.  I like the calm of knowing God totally ROCKS.

Momentary Loss At The Grocery Store

Oh man.  I am not winning any mother of the year awards.

Today, we did our normal Saturday grocery shopping.  We go the same route through the store every single time.  We hit produce first and then the bakery.  Pokemon Boy wanted to hit the bakery first - to get his bagel.  I told him we'd get there soon enough and to just hold on.

As I turned around from putting my fruit trays into the cart, I couldn't see Pokemon Boy.  But I figured he was just around the bend near the bananas - our next stop.  I turn the corner and no Pokemon Boy.  So I said to Lil'Bro (sitting in the cart with me), "Man, he is in some SERIOUS trouble."  I assumed Pokemon Boy had gone on ahead to the bakery section.  I could see it but not clearly enough to tell if he was over there.  So for that one sinking moment, I thought, ok, I can't see my kid.  This sucks!  I called out his name pretty loud.  Loud enough that a few people looked my way.  No answer.

I poked my head back around where I just was.  No Pokemon Boy.  I look back around near the bananas and start heading to the bakery.  I call out again.  Nothing.  But then I see a big store employee walking with his hand on Pokemon Boy's shoulder - they were heading to the front of the store.  So I yelled his name even louder.  He turned and saw me and looked SO relieved!

He let me hug him and started sobbing "I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!" over and over.  I guess he had just kept walking our circuit without stopping.  When he turned around, he didn't see me and I guess started to panic.  BUT, he had the sense to stay calm enough to find a mom and ask for help (I've always told him to ask a woman - especially a mom - for help because they will usually stick with the story until the end).  She had brought him to the closest store employee who was walking him to the front where we all met.  PHEW!

The woman walked up as we were hugging and he was crying and kind of filled me in.  I mean, this happened in less than 3 minutes.  He was with me by the fruit trays.  And I turned away long enough to grab the 3 trays I need for church.  I turned back and he was gone.  Guh!  I do have to say I hadn't reached panic mode yet.  I was still operating on the assumption he had gone ahead to get his bagel.  When I told him that, he looked at me so earnestly and said, "I would never do that, mom!"  I felt like such an idiot.

I'm sure Lil'Bro was sitting there wondering what punishment I'd dole out.  Pokemon Boy asked if he was in trouble.  So we had a nice little talk about why I always ask him to stay right there with me.  I also reassured him, "I will never leave this store without one of you.  Do you understand that?  If you get lost, I will not leave without you."  I also told him that this scare was punishment enough for him.  So nothing was off limits.  I can tell you, that kid stuck to me and the cart like GLUE for the rest of our shopping stint.

You know, I think (very briefly) about how this story could have turned out.  And man, I am so glad God protects me and my boys.  It's the kind of story that, in hind sight, it makes my stomach turn.

Thank you God.  Thank you for letting me be mom to these beautiful boys.  Thank you for keeping them safe in this big huge world.

*sigh*

Terrifying New Moms: It's A Gift

Lil'Bro is awesome.  Thanks for all of the comments and emails about him.  I love little dramas that don't hurt anyone in the end.

I thought I'd share a funny story about my boys:

One of my Awesome Blogger Chicks is Gypsy Girl - Darlene.  I met her when Trish posted a link that sent us to her blog to give support.  At this point in my blogging, I wasn't brave enough to comment on anyone's blog.  But reading how Darlene almost lost her son in a horrific car accident, I just had to leave a prayer in her comments.  Which is not something I normally did at that point.  I had no idea if Darlene might think I was a nut job.  But it started a wonderful relationship that later introduced me to her friends Wanda Mom and Angela.  All of these women have been staples of my emotional & spiritual support.  And I've never met them!  Isn't that funny?

Ok, as usual, I have totally gone tangential and threaten to go WAY too long.

Anyway, that was a bit of back story.

Recently, I have been spending lots of car rides with my boys answering all sorts of questions.

PokemonBoy: "Ok, who would win in a fight: Mr. Freeze or Big Chill?"

Lil'Bro: "Does Mr. Freeze have his freeze ray?"

PB: "Um...no."

LB: "Big Chill."

They have both been asking a lot of questions about what would happen if they got hurt.  What if I lose a leg?  What if my head comes off?  What if what if what if?  So they were peppering me with this particular line of questioning recently.  I don't recall the exact question but they were asking about what if this body part was cut off or that body part.  And Lil'Bro asked what would happen if he was cut in half.  Pokemon Boy asked if that could ever happen.  Like a moron, I didn't just fluff it off with some lame "Oh I doubt that could ever happen.  Oh look!  A shiny car!"

I told them about Darlene's son Mark.  I recall her descriptions of his accident.  He had nearly had his torso torn in two.  They wanted to know every detail.  Which I had trouble recalling because - thank you God - it has been a long time and he has been fully recovered for so long!  I was able to at least end on that note with them.  How he was fully recovered and happy and working toward working in the medical field to help other hurt people (am I remembering that right, Darlene?).

Well, we had a very long conversation that day.  They asked everything from how long had he been in the hospital to did he believe in Jesus.  (A long time and yes - they were relieved at the latter answer.)

We decided to stop for ice cream.  While waiting in line to order our ice cream, a new mommy with her gorgeous little three-month old in a front carrier waited near by.  Both of my boys are totally in love with babies.  Pokemon Boy went over to start the usual questions of what was her name, how old was she, etc.  Lil'Bro joined in with his 5-year old version of similar questions like why she wasn't talking yet.  We had a cute little conversation and then sat down to our ice cream.  At which point, Lil'Bro asks at a pretty good volume, "What if SHE was cut in half?" pointing to the baby.  "She would probably die," he pronounced.  I was like, "DOH!"  Can you imagine this new mommy who had just had two cute boys adoring her new baby girl?!  I mean, like you're not paranoid and terrified enough as a new mom!  I quickly assured Lil'Bro that nothing like that would happen and then had to explain to the mommy that we had just been discussing a friend who had been in a horrible accident, etc.  Thankfully, new mommy was extremely gracious.  But I still wonder how terrifying her dreams were that night.

Good grief.  I will never get Mom of The Year.  That is for SURE!

Addendum:

No sooner had I posted this when I heard Lil'Bro upstairs getting out of bed, running into my empty bedroom and then the horrifying sound of SPLATTER SPLATTER...(10 second pause)...SPLATTER SPLATTER SPLATTER!!!!  I was halfway up the stairs calling, "Where are you?!" at the 2nd round of splattering.

[Insert 10 minute break here for yet another, but smaller round.]

But back to the 1st round: I found Lil'Bro standing in my bedroom doorway, unceremoniously emptying the contents of his stomach onto the carpet in my bedroom doorway.  Poor kid.  Void of color and completely silent.  He's a stoic puker.  No crying.  No complaining.  All business.

I got him changed, cleaned and into my bed.  The rug took longer.  My kingdom for a wet-vac!  And much thanks to my friend Paul who, via Facebook, reminded me of the virtues of baking soda.

So I came down here to share my little "Ha ha, my kid puked just as I posted this," story.  And back up at the inserted break, I heard him get out of my bed.  I ran up to find him sitting at the bucket I left him, getting the last bits of round two out.  No tears.  "I fink I'm done now," he informed me.

And now I have that nagging pit in my stomach that makes me wonder if I'm next or if I'm just having that weird sympathy nausea you get when your kid kecks.

Note to self: when you get your severance check, buy a wet-vac.

Lil'Bro Visits The ER

Today, Lil'Bro had his first visit to the ER.  It was extremely mellow for an ER visit so I'll take it!  Nothing is broken - no blood - everyone is whole and alive.  It was actually very undramatic.  Very not me.  But very Lil'Bro.

Here is a game NOT to play with your kids: any kind of tug-o-war where your kid is the rope.  Ok, all you perfect parents get the laughter and judgement out of the way now.  Pokemon Boy and I had been playing a game where lazy mom (that would be me) was laying on the couch under a nice warm blanket.  Pokemon Boy would pull on my hand as hard as he could and I would eventually let his hand go and he'd go flying onto the other couch.  Great fun!  Well, Lil'Bro wanted a go.  So I did it with him a couple of times to great laughter.  Then, Pokemon Boy pulled on the other side of Lil'Bro.  When I let go of Lil'Bro, BOTH boys went flying onto the other couch.  Even better!  The 3rd time we tried it, however, I felt a pop in Lil'Bro's right arm and he was in pain.  Stupidly, I assumed it was just a pop that meant "ow" but nothing more.  So I wiggled his arm around to show him it was fine (it wasn't) and lifted it to my face to cover it in kisses (which hurt him).

When I saw that his pain was not stopping, I decided to use the health insurance I still have for the month and take him to the ER.  One of the reasons I picked this house is because we're spitting distance from a great hospital.  And two spits away from yet another.  It's the kind of perk you hope you won't be using a lot.

I called mom, asked her if she would come hang with Pokemon Boy, and got the very pained Lil'Bro ready to go.  The poor kid.  I had to lift him into the car because he couldn't use his arm to get in.  I had to buckle him, etc.  We drove the short spit to the ER and were seen immediately (we just got in after a very busy period so they were empty!).

As it turns out, there are a myriad of other stupid parents like me out there who regularly pop their kids' arms out of socket.  Most kids are younger and get dislocated arms from the innocent swinging between two parents while walking or being swung around in circles by the hands.  Good stuff which we all do.  Apparently, even the tug-o-war fashion in which Lil'Bro got his dislocation is more common than one would think.  They even have a name for this kind of dislocation: Nursemaid's Elbow.  Which begs the question: Were nursemaids always swinging kids in fun or where they always dragging them around by the arm in frustration?  The nurse and I didn't find an answer to that one.  But it was fun musing on the subject.

Lil'Bro is insanely brave.  Let me tell you, if I ever have to have my arm popped back into place?  Knock me out.  Just dope me up.  That was AWFUL!!!  He cried and kept saying, "Please stop now!" over and over.  I probably would have screamed and kicked someone.  But he just cried and held onto Buddy (his stuffed dog) with the other hand.  After the doc got it popped back in, he asked Lil'Bro, "Are you mad at me?"  He shook his head no as he wiped tears.  "Not even a little bit mad?  It's ok if you're mad.  I would be a little mad."  Still no.  What a good kid!

They wanted to keep him for about 20 minutes to see if he could get it moving.  If not, they'd x-ray him.  After about 10 minutes, the nurse came in with 5 different colored lollipops and made him pick with his hurt arm.  He tentatively reached for a green lollipop and just kept getting better from there.  She unwrapped it for him and then gave him a walking tour of the ER.  We showed him the room Grandpa (my dad) had been in last year around this time.  He was very impressed with the size of the room and had to walk the whole perimeter to check it out.  After his little tour, his arm was fully functional and he was swinging it around and shaking hands.  So they let us go before the 20 minutes were done.  YAY!

Lil'Bro and Buddy in his ER room:

Lil'Bro picking a lolli from the nurse:

Lil'Bro and his green lolli:


As I signed the papers that basically said, "Your kid is not a tug-o-war rope, you dolt, and you have to pay a $50 copay just so you remember that" I heard Lil'Bro ask the nurse, "Can I get a lollipop to bring to my brother?"  Dude, seriously!  The nurse was impressed.  I was impressed.  Pokemon Boy was impressed when we walked in with a red lollipop for him.  Lil'Bro rocks on so many levels it's just ridiculous.

Strange Places In Which I Find Myself

So here is 2009.  Technically, I still work for the Big Ol' Financial Corporation.  They will pay me with full benefits until the end of this month.  But my last work day was 12/31 and I'm pretty sure, were I to try to log into their network, I'd be blocked.

I find myself in a place not travelled since I was 20.  I'm not 20 any more.  It will take a pretty big work by God to get me motivated.  I don't really want to do all the resume writing, pavement pounding (albeit, mostly on cyber-pavement), clothing buying, self promoting, etc., that needs to be done.  But since my friends have failed to find me my 40-something, single Christian rich guy with no crazy ex-wife, I must go through the job hunting thing.  Blyeck.

Today, I spent a good portion of the day putting thoughts together for a resume.  I sat there going, "Hmm...what exactly have I been doing these last 22 years?"  I sent out emails to former managers and coworkers saying, "Hey, mind if I put you as a reference?"  I tried to put a true list of skills and tools that represent my current knowledge.  I know plenty of friends who put down every piece of software they've ever touched, seen, spoken of, etc as actual skills.  I refuse to oversell myself.  I can read enough java to debug some coding problems.  But I usually end up needing help because it's still rather Greek to me.  So I certainly won't tell them I can code java.  I hesitate to put any of my coding languages down because I haven't coded in over 4 years.

I mean, if I could put down the best parts of my skill set, it wouldn't look all that good on an IT resume.  "I provide the comic relief.  I kill the tension between adversarial IT groups.  I make sure everyone is heard.  Even the timid wallflower with no self-esteem that usually has the best ideas.  I deflate over bloated egos and keep technical people rooted in reality and not in Star Trek ideals.  I speak techie.  I speak end user.  I speak tester.  I can communicate with the lowest pee-on.  I can talk to the highest up mucky muck.  I make things pretty.  But I also make sure the pretty actually works.  I make sure all the different groups in a meeting understand each other and aren't reliving the Tower of Babel.  I'm a unificator."

The hard part for me is, putting all of the above in corporate speak.  I have to use all the correct buzz words.  Whatever the hip corporate vernacular is at this moment.  I have never been good at blowing my own horn.  Not in the business world.  Singing, yes.  But not in the corporate world.

Anyway, I will be going on interviews.  They will be interviewing me to see if I'm made of stuff they want in their company.  I will be interviewing them to see if they are a company in which I want to work.  I will dance the dance.  I'm just hoping God gives me big signs.  I don't want to just grab the first thing I'm offered.  But I also don't want to be stupid thinking there are 8 million jobs from which I can choose.

I'm pretty chill.  God totally rocked the whole move and house purchase into the most awesome neighborhood.  I'm sure he can get me into a great job with the most awesome coworkers.

Anyone who likes to pray?  I'll take anything you're willing to send up.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Happy New Year.  I have no doubt that 2009 will bring some cool things.  God has been pretty good about the uphill travels lately.

I just worked my last day at Big Ol' Financial Corporation.  Very odd to walk away from 22 years in the same place.  Working from home probably softened the blow for me.  I think having to walk into the office for one last day might have put me over the edge, emotionally.

I'm staying calm by asking God to lead me through this whole finding-a-job process.  Just take each day as it comes.  I'm asking for motivation as my natural inclination in life leans on the lazy side.  It is very tempting to "take some time off".  But it's like a drug to me.  If I spent a week or two getting up late and just farting around, it would be that much harder to start the work.

I'm sorry I've rather dropped out of the blogging world.  Certainly haven't kept up like I did back in 2007.  I think it was my free therapy in 2007.  And I still love all my ABC ladies.

Well, I'm having a new year's eve with two of the cutest boys in the world.  So I'd better get back to them.

Here's to what God will do in 2009.  I'm trusting for good.  No fear, people.  The talking heads on the news don't understand how God will get us all through if we just trust.  Easier said than done, I know.  But I'm giving it a shot.

Love you all.

Happy Birthday-Eve to Lil' Bro

Tomorrow, Lil' Bro will turn five.  Tomorrow, Lil' Bro will also visit the doctor.  Tomorrow, Lil' Bro and Pokemon Boy are both hoping to go to a local inflatable place to bounce themselves silly.  I think that will depend on the whole doctor visit.

Lil' Bro has had a nasty little cough for a few weeks.  We live in an area famous for its live music and its allergies.  Before moving here, I had heard of the latter but chalked it up to a large community of hypochondriacs.  Apparently I was wrong.  There is a unusually high concentration of varying allergens in this area that you either acclimate to or suffer with.  Pokemon Boy has acclimated.  I'm hoping Lil' Bro is on his way to the same.

Either way, this go 'round, he is losing the congestion battle in the bronchial region.  And now that there is a fever and general blyecky feeling, off to the doctor we go.

I have no doubt he will eventually rally.  We may have to put off bouncing ourselves silly.  But there WILL be presents opened.  And there WILL be a Batman cake consumed.

And tomorrow, I will have a five year old.  A sweet, adorable, loving five year old.  One that adores his older brother so much that he was willing to order his entire cake in vanilla in stead of chocolate.  When I asked him if he was sure about that, he told the lady at the bakery, "Well, my brother doesn't like chocolate."  And chocolate was pronounced "chock-o-lit."  He will surrender his Burger King crown along with the title of King to his older brother to keep him happy.  If he suggests a game and big brother says no?  He rolls with it and asks, "Well, what do YOU want to play?" and then plays whatever big brother comes up with.

He can be silly with the best of us silly gened people.  He can be as shy as his great grandmother was.  He is rough and tumble but doesn't like to see anyone get hurt.  He is fascinated with how all things are put together or how they work.  This explains his obsession with Transformers as well as documentaries on how the brain works or how fetuses develop.  He will come out of his shy shell at interesting times to sing the entire song of Rudolf for my friend and me at church in the middle of our conversation.  We stopped to listen because we knew we were being treated to a rare treat.  He has a very soft spot for his grandpa (my dad).  He never lets you forget the 2nd person in a couple during conversation.  If you mention one, he'll pipe up to chime in the other name just to make sure they're not forgotten.  He loves kitties.  He's starting to like dogs.  The smaller the better.  Like his older brother, he adores babies.  He has not yet learned to think of girls as "gross" or "the enemy".  He's still small enough to carry.  He still lets me kiss him in public.  He frequently makes me pray to ask God to "stop the bombs, protect the babies, protect the children and protect the mommies and daddies" in war-torn countries.  He doesn't think Christmas decorations are all for his birthday.  And I was so proud when he insisted we needed to put up our tree, not so Santa could put presents under it but "for Jesus' birthday."

I remember being pregnant with him, worrying that I would never be able to love another baby like I loved Pokemon Boy.  Everyone with more than one kid assured me it would happen.  But I knew it was impossible.  Which is just one of the cool things about God.  With him?  All things are possible.  And the way he has given parents the ability to fall so madly in love with more than one kid.  I still find that amazing.

I am seriously the luckiest mom...that lives in my house.  There.  Now you other moms can't yell at me.

Thank you God for giving me such wonderful boys.  Thank you for Lil' Bro's birthday tomorrow.  Thank you thank you THANK you, God.

Lil' Bro ponders the tree.

Pokemon Boy near the tree.

My Newest Favorite Treat

Chili pepper infused chocolate?  Are they kidding me?  YES PLEASE!

Yesterday, while perusing through my local gourmet chocolaterie (I call it "Walmart"), I came across this fun little nugget.  I love chocolate.  I love chili peppers - most of them anyway.  I've heard of this combination for a long time and have never run across it.

Today, I tried a bit.  I bit into my first square wondering what it would taste like.  I think I was expecting the chocolate to taste like my chili.  I'm thinking cumin won't taste as good with chocolate.

Anyway, to my delight, it doesn't taste like my chili.  It tastes like chocolate.  I thought, "So where's the chili flavor?"  I didn't so much taste the chili as feel it.  It had a nice spicy after taste.  Or...after-sensation.  My mouth was all spicy.  My stomach felt it - in a good way.  I love it!  It really is good.  I highly recommend it.

The Dating Rituals of Almost-Five Year Olds

So Lil' Bro says to me this week, "Mom guess what."  "What?" says I.  "I have a girlfriend at school," he says, all crinkly faced with glee and embarrassment.  "Oh really..." says me who is now channeling the mom from Adam Sandler's 'The Waterboy'.  "Well cool," I say nonchalantly, so as not to add any undue importance or excitement to what is and should be a very sweet and innocent thing.  Pokemon Boy isn't so cool about it.  He's eight.  Girls, he has found, give you kooties.

"Really?  You have a girlfriend at school?" he asks incredulously.  "Yup," beams Lil' Bro.  I exchange a look with Pokemon Boy that warns, Don't mess with him on this subject.  He gives me a nod of understanding and continues in an overly interested tone, "So what's her name?"  Lil' Bro says, "[PreSchoolGirl]."  "What color hair does she have," inquires Pokemon Boy.  He is a fan of long straight dark hair (that's my boy!).  "Blond, I think."  Men, I think jokingly to myself.  Can't even remember the color of their girlfriend's hair.

"So you don't mind being her boyfriend?" asks the kootie-phobic 3rd grader.  "No," says Lil' Bro.  "But also," he continues, "[OtherBoy] likes her, too."  "Oh," I say, preparing for a preschool version of heart break.  "And is that ok with you?"  "Yah.  We share her," he informs me.  "You share her?  Does [PreSchoolGirl] know this?"  "Yah."  "And she's ok with this?"  "Yah."  "Ok then."

I think preschoolers "date" way better than adults.  You declare your affection.  Label yourself as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend".  Share when necessary.  And that's it.  Nothing else.  Just play together and tell people you have a girlfriend.  If only we were that smart.

My Ex Ain't All That Bad...Kinda

Well, we all heard that I'm getting laid off.  No?  Didn't hear that?  I can't recall.  Did I tell you guys?  Well I am.  At the end of Jan 2009, my "position will be eliminated."  I'm in very good company.  They toasted quite a few of us that are all connected with a certain office and any of us that work from home - long distance.  So 22 years of experience, adios.  It's business.  It's rather common business, if you watch the news.

Anyway, I was talking to the ex about it back when I got the word (mid Oct).  I told him, once Big Financial Company lays me off, they will take back the only working computer in the house.  And tell me how you find a job with no computer?  Go to the library every day?  Not exactly conducive to the 24/7 instant messaging world we live in these days.  The ex says, Let me see what I can do to help.  I really didn't think much of it.

A couple of weeks ago, he called and told me to go to the Apple website and pick whether I wanted a laptop or desktop.  I told him to pick what he thought was best for the boys.

Last week, FedEx came by with a big box and we have a brand spankin' new iMac!  With a built in webcam.  And all sorts of fun stuff.  So my ex ain't all that bad.  In some respects.

McBeth - Shakespeare for the Fast Food Generation

Back in my glamorous days in The Scene in Boston, I worked with a killer funny rock theater troupe called ACME Theatr. And yes, it's missing the last E on purpose. See, we were funny if nothing else. ACME had started out with legitimate (and very good) actors. They had started trying to get the local brain-dead rockers into theater. So they would put on these really awesome plays and then get local rock bands to play afterwards. It was pretty genius.

After a while, the director/writer, Dan, realized he had lots of actor friends that were also in bands. So he started writing rock musicals. He began recruiting lots of us rock band people to "act" in his productions. The beauty of Dan was, he had a very great sense of humor. We'd be rehearsing and goofing around and he'd go, "Keep that! That's great! Keep that in there," and I'd be like, but it was a joke!

He took classics, kept the most key parts and then let us run wild with our tongue-in-cheek approach. My first role was as Jacob Marley in Xmass Carol. My Marley was a dead gangster. Complete with a total townie thug Boston accent. Our Tiny Tim was given to rantings of communist propaganda. One incarnation of this musical had the ghost of Christmas future dressed in a Star Trek uniform. We always threw in silly pop culture references.

We took on MacBeth - making it McBeth - fast food classics. We did Prometheus & Hercules. That one was complete with a fight scene put to Star Trek fight music. My 2 girlfriends and I were always the three fates, or witches or something like that. In McBeth, we were the 3 witches that were dressed in crushed velvet clubbing dresses. We had big hair out to forever. Our cauldron had dry ice for the fog effect but also held cans of Aquanet for us to pull out and spray on our hair.

Anyway, a friend sent me a quick clip of us McBeth witches singing on YouTube. It was for some public access show someone did. The credits are running over us. But you can see and hear us. You guys have told me you want to hear me singing. This is the best I can do for the moment. It's live. It's poorly recorded. I'm chomping gum like the big-haired goober I was supposed to be. I'm on the left of the screen. My friend Christine is in the middle. My friend Sooz is on the right.

Anyway, enjoy.