Sunday, November 30, 2014

Broken but Not Beaten

This blog has been an outlet for my fears about my son's Tourette's.  It has been an outlet when I went through my divorce back in 2007.  It helped me navigate the severe depression after the divorce.  I have made some amazing blogger chicks from Canada to New Zealand.  So I feel it only fitting to share my current broken state.  And that of TheBoy and LilBro, too.

A month after the wedding of the decade, I discovered that things were not as wonderful as they seemed.  I convinced myself I was paranoid from my previous experience in 2007.  I can't bring myself to go into details here.  But the reconciliation, dating, and wedding were all done within huge lies.  A fun little kicker is I found this out after finally trusting my gut and digging - all the while feeling like I was being a bad wife by digging.  Four days after having legally changed my last name.  Good times.

So, while I am still technically married in the eyes of the state in which I live, my "husband" lives with friends.  TheMan, TheBoy, LilBro and I are all in therapy.  I am watching TheBoy spiral dangerously in depression.  He and I have gotten help both emotionally and medicinally.  But at his age (14) you heap all the normal confusion of being teen with a major family trauma and potential RE-divorce of his's bad.  His anxiety attacks that had been gone for years have undone him enough to miss a lot of school.  LilBro's anxiety manifests in a much less obvious way.  His teacher informed me that it's off the charts in the form of obsessing over time and schedules.  But he's keeping his grades up and is pretty happy over all.  He's 10.  He's still hoping dad will come back home.

Here is one reason I'm sharing this even though I haven't shared this with all friends and family yet.  If you for one second think that God had a hand in this horror show, stop right now.  If you feel any anger toward God for "letting this happen" to me?  Don't.

There has not been ONE SECOND where I've thought God did this or wondered why he let this happen to me.  I will tell you what I've told other friends and family members.

First and foremost - no matter what hell on earth may happen?  GOD IS ON HIS THRONE.  Don't think for one second that some disaster or evil proves otherwise.

Second - God had no hand in the lies and betrayal perpetrated by TheMan and another "friend" of ours.  That was all the enemy.  The prince of stupidity.  Satan, the devil whatever you want to name him.  He saw the bright beacon our family was for God and he threw something irresistible in front of the weakest member.  Not my kids.  No, he went for the new believer: TheMan.  It's what he does when he's scared that something is about to Shine for God.  He knew TheMan still had major broken wounds and he played to those.

Third - God will always lay out amazingly perfect plans for each of us.  And then each of us uses the free will God gave us to walk the path he laid for us, to walk kind of NEXT to it, to walk away from it, or to reject it altogether.  That is US, man.  We all do it.  I did it for years.  I walked close enough to God's path to fool myself that I was ok because, hey, I could still SEE it!  Granted, I had to look to the side to see it.  But still!  I could see it.  No, God always plans goodness for each of us.  And some of us don't trust it because, you know, God can't be THAT nice, right?  And some of us are broken and scarred from previous attempts by the enemy to destroy us and keep us walled off from God.  So we can't see the path.  Or we don't want to see it because some church or "Christian" or "God person" totally screwed us over way back when.  Or because something horrible was done to us that we can't even speak about.  I get it.  But it's still usually my free will.

So TheMan was given a beautiful path of redemption, forgiveness, grace, and trust.  By hundreds of people.  My whole family welcomed him back.  Some had to work harder at it than others.  But we welcomed him back.  Our church is a church full of imperfect broken people that never throws stones.  They loved our story of screwing up a marriage and fixing it.  And many of them came to what I now know was really just a theatrical sham of a "wedding."

TheMan was given an amazing gift from many people.  But the enemy kept reminding him of his previous failure.  Made sure he couldn't fully shake the shame and guilt from his actions in 2007-2010.  So his actions were all tainted by shame.  And anything you build in reaction to shame and guilt - no matter how much you want it to be true - it will come crashing down around you.  And it will DESTROY anyone close to you.

The fourth thing I will say to anyone who thinks that TheMan is hellbound: don't even go there.  TheMan is straight with God.  This I know.  His turn toward and acceptance of God/Jesus was and is real.  I know he talks to God all the time.  And I know he has talked to God about how wrong he was this time.  And last time.  So I know he's good with The Father.  This is EXACTLY what Jesus did on the cross, man.  This is why he died.  For all of us stupid selfish people that can't hold to a vow or remember a promise or think about anyone except our own wants.  For some reason, Jesus thought we were WORTH that.  And while we humans assign levels of evil to each wrong we do here on earth?  That's a human thing.  That's not a God thing.  If you have to turn away from God to do something, you've had to turn away from God to do that thing.  It all hurts God the same.  Whether you think that or not.  Doing wrong is doing something you BELIEVE is wrong.  So if you think disrespecting your husband in public is wrong and you still do it?  You're missing the mark just as bad as TheMan lying to and betraying me and his boys.  So if you're ok with being friends with abusive drunks and compulsive liars but you're not ok hanging out with TheMan because of what he did?  You're doing it wrong.

Don't get me wrong.  I am PISSED.  This is the SECOND time for me.  Having to use terms like "The first time this happened..." or "THIS time..." constantly undoes me and boils my BUTT.  Knowing that I have to find forgiveness for him?  That's hard, too.  Yah, I know the right thing to do.  But man, to have to do that AGAIN?  Now I get that passage where Jesus tells the disciples they have to not just forgive someone seven times but SEVENTY times seven times.  And I've done the math.  I'm struggling with the SECOND time.  So I doubt I'll pass the test all the way up to 490 times.  It's not fair that my boys and I got destroyed a second time.  It's not fair that I walked through a fake wedding - not knowing - smiling and feeling so elated at the culmination of God's miracle!

But I will get over the anger.  Just not right now.  And I will forgive him.  That part has already started.  But the clever prince of poo loves to just pop images of what he did into my head every time I start feeling kind and forgiving.  So yah.  I have a lot of work to do with God.  He has a HUGE miracle to pull off by putting REAL forgiveness in my heart.  And man, TheBoy?  He wants NOTHING to do with his father right now.  And LilBro feels torn and guilty because he wants to see and be with his dad but sees how angry TheBoy is.

I share this not to say "Hey look at how God's miracle was a lie!"  I share this to say God really did orchestrate reconciliation and forgiveness.  And TheMan turned it into a lie.  Not God.  But Jesus took care of this all on the cross.  TheMan just has to deal with us imperfect and enraged humans for a while.  I'm not excusing my anger and rage.  But I'm also not making myself feel bad for it.

So if you're a praying person, cover me and the boys.  If you're awesome enough, cover TheMan.  He has a hell of a mountain of therapy to conquer.  And believe it or not, I want this to end with us still married and actually HEALED and loving.  I am very painfully aware that ending may not be a reality.  I can cope with that.  It is undoing my boys, however.

I will say that TheBoy has shown no tics.  The anxiety attacks suck.  They derail him and make him feel despondent.  Watching him go from bright shining kid to this sad depressed kills me.  And really adds to my anger.

God can pull us all through this.  It's walking through the fire that sucks.  Even knowing God will get me through it.  The mire is awful at the moment.

Pissed and Praying,
Tourette's Mom


Anonymous said...

::sigh:: Lynette, I have no words. I ache for you and your family. I'm lifting all (ALL) of you in prayer tonight.

Diane Johnson said...

I love you guys and have been covering all 4 of you in prayer.
Diane and boys

Christine said...

You and the boys are in my prayers. Please continue to be patient with yourself and your reactions, because God more than understands! We love you.

joanna said...

With big alligator tears in my eyes I write this. You are amazing Lynette. I love your raw truth, your love for Him and your pure heart. Lets connect over the holidays so I can love on you a lil. Xxox joanna

Allie said...

Lynette - I thank God for you.

I wish I could give you a real hug. Obviously distance prevents me, but it would be a really enormous hug.

Trish Ryan said...

Hugging you from here. So much love flowing to you and the boys. I'll admit I'm more pissed than praying for the 4th part of the quadrant, but I trust God to be God. We love you xoxo

Sabrina Cash said...

So many loving prayers to ALL of you! Healing & peaceful hearts are my request to Him~ giant hugs

Brenda Sorrells said...

Your honesty is humbling and trusting. I pray God's grace and mercy flood your home with peace and spread healing to every needy place. I love you.