I kept meaning to post about this. Here's a huge testimony to God's amazing orchestration skills. Well, to me it's huge. Take it how you will.
So back in Rocktober of last year, I thought I was pretty close to wrapping up the stupid divorce thing. I had verbal agreements from future ex on all sorts of things. We were putting it into writing and getting it ready to sign. The end was so close I could taste it.
Very early in that same month, I was informed that future ex had procured a lawyer. After months of me doing all the work and paying for a lawyer (future ex and I had wanted to do the whole thing as cheaply as possible), here he comes with a lawyer? His dad was footing the bill. As you can imagine, this soured me greatly on the subject of his dad. I could totally see why he might do this. But at the time it sent me through the roof. I was SO mad at Larry. On so many levels.
I eventually got over the rage. It simmered down to a low boil but it stayed there. I'd have periodic moments of feeling like oh who cares anyway. I mean, if it drags on for 5 years, that's really future ex shooting himself in his I-can't-wait-to-marry-my-new-girlfriend foot. But it still made me incredibly mad on other days.
His action of hiring a lawyer for future ex brought all of our contact to a finish. His wife - my wonderful neutral mother-in-law - tried to keep the family bonds there and the lines of communication there. She made a valiant effort that I hugely appreciated. I love her dearly for that. But in my mind, every time I communicated with her, I wanted to rave about her husband. I didn't. It wasn't her fault.
Anyway, this simmering fester pot went on in me for months. Not good. I prayed quite often - don't get me wrong. I wasn't just sitting on it. I kept asking God to help me forgive and let go. He did get me to a place where I could at least understand how a father would try to help his son, stupid or not. But I was still indignant.
When Larry got sick, I wasn't really that worried. And I don't mean I was cold. I just honestly knew he'd be fine eventually. He's a rock. You can't bring that man down with some abdominal infection. Even when it became a tumor, I knew he'd be back in top form in a year or two. But I knew at that point that we were dealing with risks and fears that go beyond an infection that won't go away. Although I felt he'd be fine and we would all look back on our panic and laugh some day, I felt it was the right thing to do to honor the severity of the whole issue. To do something. But I wasn't sure what would be the right something, given how I knew we probably felt about each other.
I talked to The Nurse in law about it. She suggested sending a card. I'm so not a card person any more. No. I was going to risk it. I was going to call him in the hospital. I mean, the worst he could do is be gruff and brief.
I called the hospital and he answered. He was pretty sick at this point and warned me he might throw up during the call (the tumor was pressing on his stomach). I told him I thought of sending a card but decided to call in stead. I said something to the effect of knowing he might not want to hear from me but too bad - here I am. He was genuinely happy to hear from me. Which surprised me but didn't.
I told him that I was sorry he was so sick and I was praying for him and knew he'd get better. We were having a pretty nice conversation. Then he said, "I'm sorry I got in the middle of things. I didn't want to get involved. But I just couldn't watch him...just standing there!" That blew my mind. I hadn't expected an apology at all. I had thought we'd avoid the subject altogether. If we did discuss it, I had expected to hear his justifications of why he funded a lawyer for future ex. And this man hasn't exactly tossed the apologies around with me and future ex. So...wow.
And at that particular moment, it was like it all snapped. Like clarity hit me - a total peace. I said something to the effect of, "Larry, you're a dad. You did what a parent would do. I mean, I'd probably do it for my kids if I had to." I meant it, too. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares who gets what stuff or what cash or whatever. I just cared that Larry got better. So I told him that. I just wanted him better. Then we talked about the boys. They were in the kitchen with me so he could hear them a bit. I gave him an update on each one to bring him up to speed on what his grandsons were up to. Pretty soon into that subject, the boys started getting restless and I had to go address dinner with them.
For one of the only times in my entire experience with Larry, I ended the phone call. That was weird. He's famous for abruptly ending a phone call with, "OK then, goodbye," and hanging up. Literally that abrupt. I felt bad when I had to tell him the boys needed me and I wanted to go because he really seemed into talking. But he was still pretty sick and the rest would probably do him good.
After that, my mother-in-law told me that our conversation had meant so much to Larry. And to her. When he passed so suddenly (well, to ME it was sudden), I thought, "Wow. God orchestrated that conversation." I've been thanking God ever since.
There you go. That was my last conversation with Grandpa Larry. For now.
Showing posts with label GrandpaLarry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GrandpaLarry. Show all posts
Monday, February 25, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Grandpa Larry's Funeral
I have many subjects floating through my head today. Let's see how many I can get to before I give up and hit bed.
Grandpa Larry's Funeral
Last Thursday, I flew up to New Hampshire. My sis-in-law and her hubby met me and took me to their house to unwind. I adore them. She's a nurse and he's a fireman/EMT, among other things. But I think of them mostly as The Nurse and The FireGuy.
On Friday, we made the 3 hr drive up to Vermont to attend Larry's viewing. He was cremated so there was, thankfully, no casket. Just his ashes, some flowers and a ton of pictures. My mother-in-law was there and doing amazingly well. Larry's brother and sister-in-law were up from Boston. Future ex was there. And then we got there.
Paying respects is never a cake walk to begin with. I walked in wondering just exactly how I was being included or excluded. I was very afraid of those possibilities. I should have known better. Future ex can be a real moron but this event transcends the day to day idiocies. He was gracious and very much like his former self I used to love a lot. My mother-in-law included me in the family pictures and the obit. That last bit floored me. I loved it. It meant so much to me. I was secretly thrilled to see that I was in so many of the pictures up on the mounted collage. The whole extended in-law family was just glad I was there and welcomed me thusly. They rock, those people.
We all went out to a family dinner during a break in the viewing. The Nurse, The FireGuy and I were all included. It wasn't even a question. I love that. The Nurse, while being future ex's sister, is not Larry's daughter. But he always tried to include her and her family in his life. So my mother-in-law introduced her to everyone as her step-daughter. I thought that was really sweet and very cool.
The funeral was Saturday afternoon. The Nurse, The FireGuy and I all decided that Larry would have wanted us to go into Montpelier early and generate the economy. So we did. Apparently, Larry wanted me to buy a really cool silver ring, a cute black short-sleeved baby-doll top and a killer sleeveless multi-colored top that could be a dress for a more daring girl. I was happy to oblige the imaginary posthumous wishes of my father-in-law. Oh yes, he also wanted us to have Ben & Jerry's ice cream but it was just crazy cold and we couldn't bring ourselves to do it.
The funeral was amazing. It was held in the church that I believe they had many of their AA meetings in. It was almost full. I have to tell you that this fact showed just how little I knew my in-laws. I knew they had their friends around town. I knew they knew most everyone. But I hadn't understood the strong bonds they had forged. And the HUGE impact they have had on that town. At the funeral, the family was allowed to step up to a microphone and say a few words. Mother-in-law did, future ex did, Boston Uncle did as did all his kids. And then I did. I may be stepping back a bit into the shadows of being an "ex". But not quietly.
I didn't say half the things I intended. I was able to say how Larry and I had pushed each other's buttons. How he had been a giant pain in my ass (yes, in those words...in a church - but anyone who knew him laughed). And how I had returned the favor. I also mentioned his incredible generosity. How, at one time, he had been my confidant and best friend. And how, in the end, we had one last conversation (timed by God's own hand) to set things right between us. I ended up crying through most of my statement. Yah. That not-pretty crying while I talk thing. Nice. I'm sure it would have made Larry laugh.
But it wasn't so much the family statements that impressed me. After we finished, the pastor opened it up to anyone. And they came. Old timers. A 20-something kid. It spanned the whole age line. Person after person got up and just floored me. They talked about this caring, sensitive, empathetic, gentle bear. Many were AA folks - fellow addicts taking each day at a time. But many had been inspired by someone like Larry getting sober. And that was huge. Larry was a hard-core drinker. An ugly drunk. He got sober after his doctor told him he'd die if he kept it up. One guy said he heard about Larry getting sober and he thought, well, if Larry can do it, I can. Then he went on to say he'd been sober for 25 yrs and Larry had saved his life. Almost every single story had us all cracking up at one point or another. Larry was a character and a very funny guy, amongst all of his other traits.
We heard stories about how this man I thought of as a giant ball of grump would visit someone every day in their store to make sure they were ok. If someone was down, he was there. If someone was worried, lonely, hurting, whatever - Larry was there. I couldn't really reconcile the stories I was hearing with my own personal experiences. But then again...I kind of could.
So it made me think about this: a prophet is never accepted in his own home town. We were his family. We were too close to the baggage, the history, the pain, the ugly. Unfortunately, for some of us, that defined what we knew of Larry, with nicer bits filling the gaps. But to the outsiders in Larry's life, he was able to transcend his uglier start and fulfill his potential as a loving nurturing person. It's tragic that sometimes it's your own family that just can't allow you to move up and over your mistakes.
That funeral was a gift from God. To me, anyway. I was forced to look at Larry in a whole new light. I've been spending many moments since asking God to take away any resentment I had toward the man. To help me to truly and wholly forgive him for the hurts I may perceive he did me. It's a hard thing. I imagine I may have to work a while on this one.
I talked to future ex about this today. He agreed. Funerals trigger that selective memory. As they should. What good does it do anyone to stand around bitching about the dearly departed? We all collectively celebrated the goodness Larry did in his life. And really, celebrated his victory over that dark addiction. But future ex and I are wondering how it will hit the people that felt hurt by Larry. When the selective memory fades and the hurts are still there - how will they wrestle them down? I know I won't wrestle them. I'll keep turning them over to God and asking for forgiveness for my unforgiveness. I'm not sure how future ex will deal with them.
Anyway. Larry was much more amazing than I ever knew. That actually makes me sad. That I missed out on that. It wasn't all my fault. I get that. He really was a pill to me and future ex for years. Even sober, lots of people still screw up with their own families. But I'm just glad to know that he was able to be such an amazing man. And to help so many people. What a gift - to have walked his hell and retain a soft heart for addicts. I personally have very little patience for them. For many reasons. Which is why I'm glad people like Larry and mother-in-law exist. To smack me upside my judgmental head and remind me that addicts deserve love and patience just like any other idiot (include me in that last lot).
It was both nice and annoying to watch future ex get so much support and love from everyone. Any person deserves that kind of unconditional love when they lose a significant loved one. Especially a parent. But the part of me that still struggles against hating him...that part of me rankled at his special treatment. The bitch in me wanted to scream at them all, "What are you coddling this idiot for?! Do you know what he's DONE?!!!!" Fortunately for me, I was raised a smidge better than that. And I pray a lot. I think God will be working on my anger for quite a while yet.
Bottom line: Larry's funeral was truly the way it should be done. With lots of love and lots of laughter.
That's about it. That's all I can write at the moment.
Grandpa Larry's Funeral
Last Thursday, I flew up to New Hampshire. My sis-in-law and her hubby met me and took me to their house to unwind. I adore them. She's a nurse and he's a fireman/EMT, among other things. But I think of them mostly as The Nurse and The FireGuy.
On Friday, we made the 3 hr drive up to Vermont to attend Larry's viewing. He was cremated so there was, thankfully, no casket. Just his ashes, some flowers and a ton of pictures. My mother-in-law was there and doing amazingly well. Larry's brother and sister-in-law were up from Boston. Future ex was there. And then we got there.
Paying respects is never a cake walk to begin with. I walked in wondering just exactly how I was being included or excluded. I was very afraid of those possibilities. I should have known better. Future ex can be a real moron but this event transcends the day to day idiocies. He was gracious and very much like his former self I used to love a lot. My mother-in-law included me in the family pictures and the obit. That last bit floored me. I loved it. It meant so much to me. I was secretly thrilled to see that I was in so many of the pictures up on the mounted collage. The whole extended in-law family was just glad I was there and welcomed me thusly. They rock, those people.
We all went out to a family dinner during a break in the viewing. The Nurse, The FireGuy and I were all included. It wasn't even a question. I love that. The Nurse, while being future ex's sister, is not Larry's daughter. But he always tried to include her and her family in his life. So my mother-in-law introduced her to everyone as her step-daughter. I thought that was really sweet and very cool.
The funeral was Saturday afternoon. The Nurse, The FireGuy and I all decided that Larry would have wanted us to go into Montpelier early and generate the economy. So we did. Apparently, Larry wanted me to buy a really cool silver ring, a cute black short-sleeved baby-doll top and a killer sleeveless multi-colored top that could be a dress for a more daring girl. I was happy to oblige the imaginary posthumous wishes of my father-in-law. Oh yes, he also wanted us to have Ben & Jerry's ice cream but it was just crazy cold and we couldn't bring ourselves to do it.
The funeral was amazing. It was held in the church that I believe they had many of their AA meetings in. It was almost full. I have to tell you that this fact showed just how little I knew my in-laws. I knew they had their friends around town. I knew they knew most everyone. But I hadn't understood the strong bonds they had forged. And the HUGE impact they have had on that town. At the funeral, the family was allowed to step up to a microphone and say a few words. Mother-in-law did, future ex did, Boston Uncle did as did all his kids. And then I did. I may be stepping back a bit into the shadows of being an "ex". But not quietly.
I didn't say half the things I intended. I was able to say how Larry and I had pushed each other's buttons. How he had been a giant pain in my ass (yes, in those words...in a church - but anyone who knew him laughed). And how I had returned the favor. I also mentioned his incredible generosity. How, at one time, he had been my confidant and best friend. And how, in the end, we had one last conversation (timed by God's own hand) to set things right between us. I ended up crying through most of my statement. Yah. That not-pretty crying while I talk thing. Nice. I'm sure it would have made Larry laugh.
But it wasn't so much the family statements that impressed me. After we finished, the pastor opened it up to anyone. And they came. Old timers. A 20-something kid. It spanned the whole age line. Person after person got up and just floored me. They talked about this caring, sensitive, empathetic, gentle bear. Many were AA folks - fellow addicts taking each day at a time. But many had been inspired by someone like Larry getting sober. And that was huge. Larry was a hard-core drinker. An ugly drunk. He got sober after his doctor told him he'd die if he kept it up. One guy said he heard about Larry getting sober and he thought, well, if Larry can do it, I can. Then he went on to say he'd been sober for 25 yrs and Larry had saved his life. Almost every single story had us all cracking up at one point or another. Larry was a character and a very funny guy, amongst all of his other traits.
We heard stories about how this man I thought of as a giant ball of grump would visit someone every day in their store to make sure they were ok. If someone was down, he was there. If someone was worried, lonely, hurting, whatever - Larry was there. I couldn't really reconcile the stories I was hearing with my own personal experiences. But then again...I kind of could.
So it made me think about this: a prophet is never accepted in his own home town. We were his family. We were too close to the baggage, the history, the pain, the ugly. Unfortunately, for some of us, that defined what we knew of Larry, with nicer bits filling the gaps. But to the outsiders in Larry's life, he was able to transcend his uglier start and fulfill his potential as a loving nurturing person. It's tragic that sometimes it's your own family that just can't allow you to move up and over your mistakes.
That funeral was a gift from God. To me, anyway. I was forced to look at Larry in a whole new light. I've been spending many moments since asking God to take away any resentment I had toward the man. To help me to truly and wholly forgive him for the hurts I may perceive he did me. It's a hard thing. I imagine I may have to work a while on this one.
I talked to future ex about this today. He agreed. Funerals trigger that selective memory. As they should. What good does it do anyone to stand around bitching about the dearly departed? We all collectively celebrated the goodness Larry did in his life. And really, celebrated his victory over that dark addiction. But future ex and I are wondering how it will hit the people that felt hurt by Larry. When the selective memory fades and the hurts are still there - how will they wrestle them down? I know I won't wrestle them. I'll keep turning them over to God and asking for forgiveness for my unforgiveness. I'm not sure how future ex will deal with them.
Anyway. Larry was much more amazing than I ever knew. That actually makes me sad. That I missed out on that. It wasn't all my fault. I get that. He really was a pill to me and future ex for years. Even sober, lots of people still screw up with their own families. But I'm just glad to know that he was able to be such an amazing man. And to help so many people. What a gift - to have walked his hell and retain a soft heart for addicts. I personally have very little patience for them. For many reasons. Which is why I'm glad people like Larry and mother-in-law exist. To smack me upside my judgmental head and remind me that addicts deserve love and patience just like any other idiot (include me in that last lot).
It was both nice and annoying to watch future ex get so much support and love from everyone. Any person deserves that kind of unconditional love when they lose a significant loved one. Especially a parent. But the part of me that still struggles against hating him...that part of me rankled at his special treatment. The bitch in me wanted to scream at them all, "What are you coddling this idiot for?! Do you know what he's DONE?!!!!" Fortunately for me, I was raised a smidge better than that. And I pray a lot. I think God will be working on my anger for quite a while yet.
Bottom line: Larry's funeral was truly the way it should be done. With lots of love and lots of laughter.
That's about it. That's all I can write at the moment.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Grandpa Larry
*sigh*
This is so surreal. My father-in-law died this afternoon. My sister-in-law called me as we waited at the barber for haircuts. He had taken a turn for the worse. They had stopped "heroic measures" and were now starting "comfort measures." Keep him comfortable while he's with us. Future ex didn't know yet - he was still on his way home from work.
I packed the boys back into the car and told them we're going to see daddy. "Why?" Yes, we don't go see daddy in the middle of the week. "Well, grandpa isn't doing well." Dumb of me. They have three living grandpas still. They assumed it was MY dad. "Then why are we going to see DAD?" So I explain which grandpa and I start preparing them telling them that Grandpa Larry is not doing well at all. And this means he could die. "Oh." So I told them we'll go be there for daddy.
I called future ex and left him a message saying the boys and I were coming down to Austin and would he like to go to dinner. He called back and sounded psyched to see the boys. Ugh. He asked why we were coming in to Austin. Oh we just wanted a drive, says I.
The whole way down, I just prayed. Praying for Nana Linda. Praying for Grandpa Larry. Praying for future ex. Talking to God saying things like, "I totally don't get what you're doing here. I'm really looking for one of those really big miracles here, ok? Just be with Linda. Just make Larry ok." I keep thinking this huge healing will be some kind of life changing event for everyone and they'll all see God is real. Or actually, I think it was more selfish than that. Sure the man majorly pissed me off by funding a lawyer for future ex a while back. But come on. He's my father-in-law. For many years, I considered him one of my best friends. I used to call him all the time and talk to him about all sorts of stuff. I confided amazing amounts of stuff to this man. He had a unique world view that couldn't be found in anyone else. He was gruff, grumpy, a giant pain in the ass at times. But he loved his son with a ferocity. And in turn, he loves MY two sons with an even greater ferocity. So yah God, I want this man around. I just don't understand the timing of all of this.
So the whole drive down, I'm still thinking this will just be a lot of emotional drama but he'll pull through somehow.
We pulled up to future ex's apartment complex. I told the boys, look, don't mention Grandpa because I'm not sure daddy knows yet. Let daddy tell us. When future ex opened the door, he was still in his jacket, he was on the phone and his eyes were red and puffy. Yah. He knew. But *I* didn't know.
He hung up and said, "Come here." That's when he told me his dad had just died. Hand to the mouth - gasp! Impossible! I just prayed the whole way down here!! This man - this force in our lives - he can't be dead. I mean, honestly, just three weeks ago, was it? Three weeks ago we find out it might be cancer. And he's DEAD? This is insanity.
You think stupid things when life gets weird. You think things like, maybe I didn't pray sincerely enough because my prayers were tainted with my own emotional baggage. Thankfully I have people with brains around me to remind me that the God I serve doesn't work that way. I'm not sure why this is happening right now. It's part of the mystery of life, eh?
Well, I was glad I was there. When things like this happen, they tend to put the whole dumb divorce thing in perspective. I was there to comfort him. And my boys. We were able to tell the boys together - as a family. The way it should be done. Lil' Bro is 4. He doesn't get it. He's wide eyed and has that kind of hidden smile you get when you know something is very serious but you feel kind of like laughing anyway but you know you can't. Pokemon Boy seemed to understand the gravity of it but it didn't touch him because he hasn't see Grandpa Larry since 2005. So future ex and I sat there talking with the boys nearby. And then it hit Pokemon Boy. The floodgates opened. I knew they would. He is the sensitive one. He's intuitive and empathetic. He has memories of Larry. He knows this is his dad's dad. He saw his dad cry and me cry. He got it. And he let it out. Lil' Bro found other things to distract him while Pokemon Boy let it out and let me fold him up on my lap. I'm glad we were all four there.
After the shock had some time to settle in and get us all numb, we all decided to go out to eat. So I took future ex somewhere nice but mellow. We all ate. We all supported each other. Pokemon Boy asked me, even though I'm getting divorced, am I still part [his surname]. I told him that even though I go back to using my own last name, I will always be part [his surname] because he's part of me and I'm part of him and that family will always be a part of me. Hopefully that was what he needed to hear.
Anyway, future ex told me he has appreciated all the prayers I've been telling him they've been getting. He really does. I can tell. Maybe this unconditional love he's received from tons of people who, in any other reality, would go out of their way to make his life hell...maybe that's what God is doing here. Maybe that's what future ex will take away. Who knows. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.
It's so weird when people are taken from you suddenly. Honestly, I figured Larry would be here for a long time - part of the boys' lives for years. Wow.
I sure am glad I called him when he first was in the hospital and we knew it was pretty serious. I'm glad we had that conversation that cleared the air. My mother-in-law told me he really appreciated that conversation and he felt it put things straight between us. Man, I had no idea how important that one conversation was. Who knew it would be my last one with him. I'm glad I told him I love him. Because I do. And it hurts that he's gone. And it hurts even worse that I have to participate in such an awkward fractured way.
At this point, I plan to head up to the funeral. There's no way that man is leaving this world without me being there. I did ask future ex - I mean, it really is his call at this point. He may be a jerk sometimes but he knows how important Larry is to me. He expects me to be there. Good. Because I'd really hate to have to pummel a man who just lost his father.
So that's today. I'm numb. And terribly sad. And full of things I'm feeling I could have done differently. I hate that part.
This is so surreal. My father-in-law died this afternoon. My sister-in-law called me as we waited at the barber for haircuts. He had taken a turn for the worse. They had stopped "heroic measures" and were now starting "comfort measures." Keep him comfortable while he's with us. Future ex didn't know yet - he was still on his way home from work.
I packed the boys back into the car and told them we're going to see daddy. "Why?" Yes, we don't go see daddy in the middle of the week. "Well, grandpa isn't doing well." Dumb of me. They have three living grandpas still. They assumed it was MY dad. "Then why are we going to see DAD?" So I explain which grandpa and I start preparing them telling them that Grandpa Larry is not doing well at all. And this means he could die. "Oh." So I told them we'll go be there for daddy.
I called future ex and left him a message saying the boys and I were coming down to Austin and would he like to go to dinner. He called back and sounded psyched to see the boys. Ugh. He asked why we were coming in to Austin. Oh we just wanted a drive, says I.
The whole way down, I just prayed. Praying for Nana Linda. Praying for Grandpa Larry. Praying for future ex. Talking to God saying things like, "I totally don't get what you're doing here. I'm really looking for one of those really big miracles here, ok? Just be with Linda. Just make Larry ok." I keep thinking this huge healing will be some kind of life changing event for everyone and they'll all see God is real. Or actually, I think it was more selfish than that. Sure the man majorly pissed me off by funding a lawyer for future ex a while back. But come on. He's my father-in-law. For many years, I considered him one of my best friends. I used to call him all the time and talk to him about all sorts of stuff. I confided amazing amounts of stuff to this man. He had a unique world view that couldn't be found in anyone else. He was gruff, grumpy, a giant pain in the ass at times. But he loved his son with a ferocity. And in turn, he loves MY two sons with an even greater ferocity. So yah God, I want this man around. I just don't understand the timing of all of this.
So the whole drive down, I'm still thinking this will just be a lot of emotional drama but he'll pull through somehow.
We pulled up to future ex's apartment complex. I told the boys, look, don't mention Grandpa because I'm not sure daddy knows yet. Let daddy tell us. When future ex opened the door, he was still in his jacket, he was on the phone and his eyes were red and puffy. Yah. He knew. But *I* didn't know.
He hung up and said, "Come here." That's when he told me his dad had just died. Hand to the mouth - gasp! Impossible! I just prayed the whole way down here!! This man - this force in our lives - he can't be dead. I mean, honestly, just three weeks ago, was it? Three weeks ago we find out it might be cancer. And he's DEAD? This is insanity.
You think stupid things when life gets weird. You think things like, maybe I didn't pray sincerely enough because my prayers were tainted with my own emotional baggage. Thankfully I have people with brains around me to remind me that the God I serve doesn't work that way. I'm not sure why this is happening right now. It's part of the mystery of life, eh?
Well, I was glad I was there. When things like this happen, they tend to put the whole dumb divorce thing in perspective. I was there to comfort him. And my boys. We were able to tell the boys together - as a family. The way it should be done. Lil' Bro is 4. He doesn't get it. He's wide eyed and has that kind of hidden smile you get when you know something is very serious but you feel kind of like laughing anyway but you know you can't. Pokemon Boy seemed to understand the gravity of it but it didn't touch him because he hasn't see Grandpa Larry since 2005. So future ex and I sat there talking with the boys nearby. And then it hit Pokemon Boy. The floodgates opened. I knew they would. He is the sensitive one. He's intuitive and empathetic. He has memories of Larry. He knows this is his dad's dad. He saw his dad cry and me cry. He got it. And he let it out. Lil' Bro found other things to distract him while Pokemon Boy let it out and let me fold him up on my lap. I'm glad we were all four there.
After the shock had some time to settle in and get us all numb, we all decided to go out to eat. So I took future ex somewhere nice but mellow. We all ate. We all supported each other. Pokemon Boy asked me, even though I'm getting divorced, am I still part [his surname]. I told him that even though I go back to using my own last name, I will always be part [his surname] because he's part of me and I'm part of him and that family will always be a part of me. Hopefully that was what he needed to hear.
Anyway, future ex told me he has appreciated all the prayers I've been telling him they've been getting. He really does. I can tell. Maybe this unconditional love he's received from tons of people who, in any other reality, would go out of their way to make his life hell...maybe that's what God is doing here. Maybe that's what future ex will take away. Who knows. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.
It's so weird when people are taken from you suddenly. Honestly, I figured Larry would be here for a long time - part of the boys' lives for years. Wow.
I sure am glad I called him when he first was in the hospital and we knew it was pretty serious. I'm glad we had that conversation that cleared the air. My mother-in-law told me he really appreciated that conversation and he felt it put things straight between us. Man, I had no idea how important that one conversation was. Who knew it would be my last one with him. I'm glad I told him I love him. Because I do. And it hurts that he's gone. And it hurts even worse that I have to participate in such an awkward fractured way.
At this point, I plan to head up to the funeral. There's no way that man is leaving this world without me being there. I did ask future ex - I mean, it really is his call at this point. He may be a jerk sometimes but he knows how important Larry is to me. He expects me to be there. Good. Because I'd really hate to have to pummel a man who just lost his father.
So that's today. I'm numb. And terribly sad. And full of things I'm feeling I could have done differently. I hate that part.
12-28-2003 - Grandpa Larry meets 6-day-old Lil' Bro
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