Thanks to my friend CBeth for letting me borrow this picture from her. And yes, that IS my new boyfriend getting baptized. And yes, he sure DOES look a lot like TheEx...
Showing posts with label Prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prayer. Show all posts
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
The Forgiven
What's your unforgivable sin? I mean, the one that you could never forgive. I can think of a few that would test my ability to survive. Most of which I've asked God to never let me be tested in that way.
In 2007, I encountered one at the top of my short-sighted limited list and called a lawyer. A year later, I stood in front of a judge as he signed my divorce papers. I stood with the same deer in the headlights look as about 10 other people sitting there waiting their turn.
The majority of my divorce survival, I prayed for different things. Mostly, "God, help me get through this moment, hour, day." But often I asked him to please put true forgiveness in my heart. I knew it wouldn't happen solely by my own efforts. Back then, if you Googled "Hell Hath No Fury", I would swear you'd have found my picture.
God kept me . . . sane, I guess. When I wasn't attempting to control my fate, he generally kept me from hatred. He was also good enough to allow me the ugly feelings. But he didn't let me settle there.
God sent my parents here. He put me in a very unique neighborhood full of friends that helped (and still do). Often times, unasked. He gave me the perfect church of patient people able to nurture me while I remained encapsulated in my pain and struggle, often unable to comprehend that anyone else could be hurting as badly as I was or hurting at all.
During the whole time, God worked on The Ex, too. Quite frequently, he let me witness it.
In 2010, The Ex returned to my state and town. An answer to many prayers of two awesome boys. And to many of my own. But it was hard. It renewed my pain, anger, resentment and need to see him punished.
He returned to various levels of disdain - not just from me but from those in my world that had stood by me. His own struggle with guilt and shame was made heavier by the judgment of those that loved me.
God sent some of His True People to The Ex. My pastors, my music director & his wife, and a couple of other folks from my church. Many of my friends took their lead from me and allowed themselves to be friendly to him. Many were surprised to find he wasn't a horrible person.
It has taken almost three years in close proximity but God is rocking real forgiveness. My parents treat The Ex like family now. My BigSis and her TallGuy would have been first in line to kick his ass back in the early days of the horror show. And now they accept him as family, too. That is some grace right there, I tell yah.
You will be shocked and dismayed to hear that I am not perfect. Nay, it is so. Most days, I feel like I have completely forgiven The Ex and can be perfectly strong in our friendship. We laugh a lot. We watch TV with the boys a lot. We eat out a lot. I mean, he was my best friend for 17 years. Losing that was awful. God restoring our friendship is just one in a huge thread of miracles in this story.
My imperfection comes in the fragility of my resolve. I am easily undone by events that remind me of the wrong done me. I am easily undone by the enemy reminding me of things The Ex did back when we were dissolving. I am easily undone by any tiny misstep he takes in our friendship.
Over and over these last few years, God keeps reminding me "There IS no unforgivable sin." Not with God. Humans, sure. We have our limits. But even those can be overcome if we ask God to help us. So I keep asking God to help me forget. Wipe the bad memories from my brain. When they come, I tell the enemy to piss off. Then I box up the memory or emotion, put it down and ask God to take it. Then I ask him to help me move on without it. To help me make NEW memories with my friend, The Ex.
Since the holidays - when I had a major Hell Hath No Fury meltdown with The Ex - we have turned a major corner. We communicate more regularly. If something is eating at me and I can't make it leave, I tell The Ex. And he will talk to me. Sometimes, he lets me cry or vent or just explain how frustrated I am. I keep thinking each of these episodes will chase him off again. He has told me that will never happen again.
We are working with God, our church, and counselors to clear the mess between us. We don't have to FIX all the problems that were there right this minute. But we are both committed to get them out in the open, identify them, work at making sure we don't repeat it. How could we ever move on to new relationships if we can't do that?
My point to this whole blathering mess is this: There IS no unforgivable sin. For me as a human, there are offenses that could take me a lifetime to forgive. But The Ex has a blank slate from God. I get a re-do from God all the time. I want to give The Ex the same blank slate that God already gave him. And that God repeatedly gives me.
It doesn't really matter what he or I did to break our marriage and get it to the point where we canned it.
What matters is my God came down and suffered all the trappings of humanity - including torture and murder - to allow me my blank slate and freedom from the slavery of a crazy litany of rules. The least I can do is forgive someone for being imperfect and allow him to be the wonderful guy I met back in the late 80's and shared my life with for 17 years. And I thank God that he's given The Ex an extra helping of patience to deal with my imperfect humanity while I ride the roller coaster of forgiveness.
In 2007, I encountered one at the top of my short-sighted limited list and called a lawyer. A year later, I stood in front of a judge as he signed my divorce papers. I stood with the same deer in the headlights look as about 10 other people sitting there waiting their turn.
The majority of my divorce survival, I prayed for different things. Mostly, "God, help me get through this moment, hour, day." But often I asked him to please put true forgiveness in my heart. I knew it wouldn't happen solely by my own efforts. Back then, if you Googled "Hell Hath No Fury", I would swear you'd have found my picture.
God kept me . . . sane, I guess. When I wasn't attempting to control my fate, he generally kept me from hatred. He was also good enough to allow me the ugly feelings. But he didn't let me settle there.
God sent my parents here. He put me in a very unique neighborhood full of friends that helped (and still do). Often times, unasked. He gave me the perfect church of patient people able to nurture me while I remained encapsulated in my pain and struggle, often unable to comprehend that anyone else could be hurting as badly as I was or hurting at all.
During the whole time, God worked on The Ex, too. Quite frequently, he let me witness it.
In 2010, The Ex returned to my state and town. An answer to many prayers of two awesome boys. And to many of my own. But it was hard. It renewed my pain, anger, resentment and need to see him punished.
He returned to various levels of disdain - not just from me but from those in my world that had stood by me. His own struggle with guilt and shame was made heavier by the judgment of those that loved me.
God sent some of His True People to The Ex. My pastors, my music director & his wife, and a couple of other folks from my church. Many of my friends took their lead from me and allowed themselves to be friendly to him. Many were surprised to find he wasn't a horrible person.
It has taken almost three years in close proximity but God is rocking real forgiveness. My parents treat The Ex like family now. My BigSis and her TallGuy would have been first in line to kick his ass back in the early days of the horror show. And now they accept him as family, too. That is some grace right there, I tell yah.
You will be shocked and dismayed to hear that I am not perfect. Nay, it is so. Most days, I feel like I have completely forgiven The Ex and can be perfectly strong in our friendship. We laugh a lot. We watch TV with the boys a lot. We eat out a lot. I mean, he was my best friend for 17 years. Losing that was awful. God restoring our friendship is just one in a huge thread of miracles in this story.
My imperfection comes in the fragility of my resolve. I am easily undone by events that remind me of the wrong done me. I am easily undone by the enemy reminding me of things The Ex did back when we were dissolving. I am easily undone by any tiny misstep he takes in our friendship.
Over and over these last few years, God keeps reminding me "There IS no unforgivable sin." Not with God. Humans, sure. We have our limits. But even those can be overcome if we ask God to help us. So I keep asking God to help me forget. Wipe the bad memories from my brain. When they come, I tell the enemy to piss off. Then I box up the memory or emotion, put it down and ask God to take it. Then I ask him to help me move on without it. To help me make NEW memories with my friend, The Ex.
Since the holidays - when I had a major Hell Hath No Fury meltdown with The Ex - we have turned a major corner. We communicate more regularly. If something is eating at me and I can't make it leave, I tell The Ex. And he will talk to me. Sometimes, he lets me cry or vent or just explain how frustrated I am. I keep thinking each of these episodes will chase him off again. He has told me that will never happen again.
We are working with God, our church, and counselors to clear the mess between us. We don't have to FIX all the problems that were there right this minute. But we are both committed to get them out in the open, identify them, work at making sure we don't repeat it. How could we ever move on to new relationships if we can't do that?
My point to this whole blathering mess is this: There IS no unforgivable sin. For me as a human, there are offenses that could take me a lifetime to forgive. But The Ex has a blank slate from God. I get a re-do from God all the time. I want to give The Ex the same blank slate that God already gave him. And that God repeatedly gives me.
It doesn't really matter what he or I did to break our marriage and get it to the point where we canned it.
What matters is my God came down and suffered all the trappings of humanity - including torture and murder - to allow me my blank slate and freedom from the slavery of a crazy litany of rules. The least I can do is forgive someone for being imperfect and allow him to be the wonderful guy I met back in the late 80's and shared my life with for 17 years. And I thank God that he's given The Ex an extra helping of patience to deal with my imperfect humanity while I ride the roller coaster of forgiveness.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Long Time Gone
I haven't written here in over a year. That's kind of sad and kind of wonderful. I started this blog to write about our journey with Tourette's. That was derailed by me using this blog as an outlet as I struggled through my divorce and becoming a very shaky single mom.
So the sadness is, I used to write here every day. Then weekly, monthly, never. I miss the community a few of us built here.
The wonderful is, I needed this to work out fears and experiences with Tourette's that I just new would increase and rule my life. It has disappeared and is only in my life when it comes from external sources. I needed this to work through heart break, incredible emotional pain and deep deep depression. You all were my social checkpoint. I had trouble feeling like relating in person. Now, some of you are still connected to me on Facebook, through email (remember email?!), or in real life. And the divorce...well there's a story for you.
Let's catch up a bit.
In 2010, I think I mentioned The Ex moved back from Boston. While happy for my boys, I certainly didn't need someone messing up my routine or trying to insert himself into my parenting. It wasn't an easy adjustment. Having him 3000 miles away gave me a huge buffer zone. I didn't have to deal with him. Suddenly, BOOM! I had to deal with him. And all the memories and anger and resentment that came with that.
I have ridden the roller coaster of TotallyOverIt or HellHathNoFury. It has slowly gone from insane highs and lows to more even keeled. The Ex and I started getting along well and hanging out a lot.
2011 & 2012, more of the same. I worked. I did the mom thing. The Ex helped out quite a lot. And I tell yah, after 3 yrs of asking for help from my awesome mom or amazing neighbors or rockin' church family, it was good to have help from the person that SHOULD help.
My awesome church had a huge transition. After our head pastors moved to CA, we steadily began losing members. Small to begin with, it didn't take much to take the wind out of our sails. We got a church adviser that helped the remaining small group of families really take personal inventory and step up to the plate. It was a year of huge growth. And growth always comes with pain. But the growth was the main thing.
The Ex became our regular worship drummer. He also became a full believer! Something I prayed for for decades, never thinking I'd get to witness it. I stayed out of it because he wasn't my husband, we had too much history that involved religious differences. I wanted this all to be between him, God and whomever God sent to minister to him. And boy did God rock this! When God shows up for you personally? It's pretty difficult to discount him. But watching him seek God, question everything but with sincerity, not belligerence, watching him have real experience with the Presence of God...THAT was an honor.
We have found another amazing church. And this one, we both chose. The old church had been him coming into MY territory. As accepted as he was, it still had that feel for us. This church is OUR church. Which is very cool. He's on the worship team again. I'm serving all over the place. Currently, I am gearing up to facilitate another Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class. I'm helping with the food service. I'm helping with greeting, recycling, anything they need.
And I'm dating. After over 6 years of friends and family, I've just recently had about 4 dates with the same dude in about 2 weeks. And it's pretty cool.
A few people know who it is. The rest don't really need to know. He's private and I sure don't want to muck it up.
BigBro and LittleBro are doing amazingly well. BigBro will be 13 this summer. His Tourette's is gone and he is a huge testament to God's healing and grace. We prayed for total healing and left room in our minds for the possibility of God leaving it for some other purpose. But it's gone. BigBro's prayers have been so sincere and lacking the doubt and walls us adults bring to prayer. I think God gave him an early testimony. So I will always listen to and work with my doctors. But a human diagnosis will never have the last word for us. I leave that to God.
LilBro just turned 9. He is just as intelligent as his older brother but not as flashy. He is doing so well in school. His teachers over the last few years have recognized that he had some leadership qualities behind that shy little exterior. This year, he has been given some really great leadership tasks by his teacher. He rose to the occasion each time. He powered through the fear and did it. His confidence has soared.
So much has happened since my last posting in Nov 2011. Most of it incidental in this context. But if seeing my ex accept God/Jesus his life and heart is all I ever get? I'm totally ok with that!
I'll catch you up on other stuff soon. And I'll see if I can convince LilBro to let me post his current picture here. He is old enough where he gets to approve or veto any pic I post of him!
So the sadness is, I used to write here every day. Then weekly, monthly, never. I miss the community a few of us built here.
The wonderful is, I needed this to work out fears and experiences with Tourette's that I just new would increase and rule my life. It has disappeared and is only in my life when it comes from external sources. I needed this to work through heart break, incredible emotional pain and deep deep depression. You all were my social checkpoint. I had trouble feeling like relating in person. Now, some of you are still connected to me on Facebook, through email (remember email?!), or in real life. And the divorce...well there's a story for you.
Let's catch up a bit.
In 2010, I think I mentioned The Ex moved back from Boston. While happy for my boys, I certainly didn't need someone messing up my routine or trying to insert himself into my parenting. It wasn't an easy adjustment. Having him 3000 miles away gave me a huge buffer zone. I didn't have to deal with him. Suddenly, BOOM! I had to deal with him. And all the memories and anger and resentment that came with that.
I have ridden the roller coaster of TotallyOverIt or HellHathNoFury. It has slowly gone from insane highs and lows to more even keeled. The Ex and I started getting along well and hanging out a lot.
2011 & 2012, more of the same. I worked. I did the mom thing. The Ex helped out quite a lot. And I tell yah, after 3 yrs of asking for help from my awesome mom or amazing neighbors or rockin' church family, it was good to have help from the person that SHOULD help.
My awesome church had a huge transition. After our head pastors moved to CA, we steadily began losing members. Small to begin with, it didn't take much to take the wind out of our sails. We got a church adviser that helped the remaining small group of families really take personal inventory and step up to the plate. It was a year of huge growth. And growth always comes with pain. But the growth was the main thing.
The Ex became our regular worship drummer. He also became a full believer! Something I prayed for for decades, never thinking I'd get to witness it. I stayed out of it because he wasn't my husband, we had too much history that involved religious differences. I wanted this all to be between him, God and whomever God sent to minister to him. And boy did God rock this! When God shows up for you personally? It's pretty difficult to discount him. But watching him seek God, question everything but with sincerity, not belligerence, watching him have real experience with the Presence of God...THAT was an honor.
We have found another amazing church. And this one, we both chose. The old church had been him coming into MY territory. As accepted as he was, it still had that feel for us. This church is OUR church. Which is very cool. He's on the worship team again. I'm serving all over the place. Currently, I am gearing up to facilitate another Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class. I'm helping with the food service. I'm helping with greeting, recycling, anything they need.
And I'm dating. After over 6 years of friends and family, I've just recently had about 4 dates with the same dude in about 2 weeks. And it's pretty cool.
A few people know who it is. The rest don't really need to know. He's private and I sure don't want to muck it up.
BigBro and LittleBro are doing amazingly well. BigBro will be 13 this summer. His Tourette's is gone and he is a huge testament to God's healing and grace. We prayed for total healing and left room in our minds for the possibility of God leaving it for some other purpose. But it's gone. BigBro's prayers have been so sincere and lacking the doubt and walls us adults bring to prayer. I think God gave him an early testimony. So I will always listen to and work with my doctors. But a human diagnosis will never have the last word for us. I leave that to God.
LilBro just turned 9. He is just as intelligent as his older brother but not as flashy. He is doing so well in school. His teachers over the last few years have recognized that he had some leadership qualities behind that shy little exterior. This year, he has been given some really great leadership tasks by his teacher. He rose to the occasion each time. He powered through the fear and did it. His confidence has soared.
So much has happened since my last posting in Nov 2011. Most of it incidental in this context. But if seeing my ex accept God/Jesus his life and heart is all I ever get? I'm totally ok with that!
I'll catch you up on other stuff soon. And I'll see if I can convince LilBro to let me post his current picture here. He is old enough where he gets to approve or veto any pic I post of him!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Dear God . . .
Dear God,
Thank you SO much for protecting me tonight on the highway. Thank you for the accident being minor. Thank you that the kids weren't in the car with me. Thank you that all 3 of us walked away unhurt. Thank you that we all drove our cars away. Thank you for the calm and kindness you put in all of us as we exchanged information.
(And thank you for sending two of the cutest motorcycle cops to deal with it!!)
I love you.
In Jesus' name,
ME
Thank you SO much for protecting me tonight on the highway. Thank you for the accident being minor. Thank you that the kids weren't in the car with me. Thank you that all 3 of us walked away unhurt. Thank you that we all drove our cars away. Thank you for the calm and kindness you put in all of us as we exchanged information.
(And thank you for sending two of the cutest motorcycle cops to deal with it!!)
I love you.
In Jesus' name,
ME
Friday, July 22, 2011
Quick Update For The 3 Of You That Keep Stopping By
TheBoy: I've noticed some eye tics. Excessive eye rolling, a little exaggerated blinking. I've noticed some stammering when he's talking. Kind of repeating partial phrases before getting it all out. I'm chalking it up to all the late summer nights and early summer mornings. I'm not concerned.
TheBoy will start middle school this year. This area of Texas has 6th grade in middle school. I think we're both a little nervous about that. But again, I know God will rock the awesome teachers like he always does.
Work: My work just had the 2nd round of layoffs last week. It was rough. I made the cut but you watch others get cut and it's just a stanky week all around. So now we are hugely depleted in terms of staff. And we still have the same amount of work. My team lost one very key person. She has TONS of knowledge and her personality is the one we all tended to rally around. She made the killer cupcakes and brought the team love. That was a painful cut. I'm happy to be friends with her separate from work. But it's very weird not to see her every day. *sigh*
Church: Our transition from pastors Kenny & Michelle to our new pastors is bumpy. The new pastors aren't in our state yet. We pray for God to rock the provision to get them here. But so far, it's not happening. I don't know if this is one of those times we'll learn to wait well or if this is God saying this is not what he has planned. Either way, I'll wait well for whatever he brings.
The transition from where I stand is not easy - on many levels. They never are. I am standing in my skin trying to figure out where to shut up and just unconditionally support and when to stand up and say, this is a problem. That has always been a battle for me. So I pray. And hope for God to show the way. I feel a need to speak up. So finding the right way to do so will be my next task.
TheBoy will start middle school this year. This area of Texas has 6th grade in middle school. I think we're both a little nervous about that. But again, I know God will rock the awesome teachers like he always does.
Work: My work just had the 2nd round of layoffs last week. It was rough. I made the cut but you watch others get cut and it's just a stanky week all around. So now we are hugely depleted in terms of staff. And we still have the same amount of work. My team lost one very key person. She has TONS of knowledge and her personality is the one we all tended to rally around. She made the killer cupcakes and brought the team love. That was a painful cut. I'm happy to be friends with her separate from work. But it's very weird not to see her every day. *sigh*
Church: Our transition from pastors Kenny & Michelle to our new pastors is bumpy. The new pastors aren't in our state yet. We pray for God to rock the provision to get them here. But so far, it's not happening. I don't know if this is one of those times we'll learn to wait well or if this is God saying this is not what he has planned. Either way, I'll wait well for whatever he brings.
The transition from where I stand is not easy - on many levels. They never are. I am standing in my skin trying to figure out where to shut up and just unconditionally support and when to stand up and say, this is a problem. That has always been a battle for me. So I pray. And hope for God to show the way. I feel a need to speak up. So finding the right way to do so will be my next task.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Update on the Tourette's
A quick note to answer another wonderful TS mom, Andrea.
Yes, Andrea. I consider the TS gone. I didn't for a long time. BigBro has considered it gone for quite a while. I haven't seen a tic in, I can't even remember. His anxiety is such a non-issue, I would consider it gone, too. He will have moments of worry now and then but they seem very normal and appropriate for his age. So I'm calling that gone.
The thing I've been seeing lately is a severe distractibilty. Is that a word? I recently caught a piece of a PBS documentary on adult ADD. So many of the stories reminded me of adults in my life. I imagine many of us are running around with ADD and have no idea. I kind of think that's a good thing. But BigBro has been just off the charts distracted lately. And when I saw that PBS show with stories of adults that sounded just like him, I've been wondering. When he was diagnosed back at the age of 6 (4.5 yrs ago), she ruled out ADHD. So not sure.
I'm not a huge fan of the over use of ADD in the pediatric diagnosis world. So I'm not running to a doctor to say, Hey, do you think he has ADD? The documentary also pointed out that most ADD adults are also the ones on the creative cutting edge. They are the boundary-less cliff jumpers, of sorts. They said, most of the amazing progress in the world wasn't done by the people who stayed safely away from the edge of the cliff. BigBro is crazy creative and does many things outside the box. I'd rather leave him there. He's not unhappy. He is still unaware of any weird looks he may get. He has a good number of solid friends that I think are on their way to being amazing people.
He still has fuzzy social boundaries. But for every kid that walks away, there are about 3 that stay.
So yes, I will claim it as one of the many miracles God has done for this boy - starting from in the womb. I know God has put him here for something big. I've seen BigBro already affecting people's lives with God's love. And that may be the something big. I'll take it!
Thanks for asking, Andrea!
Yes, Andrea. I consider the TS gone. I didn't for a long time. BigBro has considered it gone for quite a while. I haven't seen a tic in, I can't even remember. His anxiety is such a non-issue, I would consider it gone, too. He will have moments of worry now and then but they seem very normal and appropriate for his age. So I'm calling that gone.
The thing I've been seeing lately is a severe distractibilty. Is that a word? I recently caught a piece of a PBS documentary on adult ADD. So many of the stories reminded me of adults in my life. I imagine many of us are running around with ADD and have no idea. I kind of think that's a good thing. But BigBro has been just off the charts distracted lately. And when I saw that PBS show with stories of adults that sounded just like him, I've been wondering. When he was diagnosed back at the age of 6 (4.5 yrs ago), she ruled out ADHD. So not sure.
I'm not a huge fan of the over use of ADD in the pediatric diagnosis world. So I'm not running to a doctor to say, Hey, do you think he has ADD? The documentary also pointed out that most ADD adults are also the ones on the creative cutting edge. They are the boundary-less cliff jumpers, of sorts. They said, most of the amazing progress in the world wasn't done by the people who stayed safely away from the edge of the cliff. BigBro is crazy creative and does many things outside the box. I'd rather leave him there. He's not unhappy. He is still unaware of any weird looks he may get. He has a good number of solid friends that I think are on their way to being amazing people.
He still has fuzzy social boundaries. But for every kid that walks away, there are about 3 that stay.
So yes, I will claim it as one of the many miracles God has done for this boy - starting from in the womb. I know God has put him here for something big. I've seen BigBro already affecting people's lives with God's love. And that may be the something big. I'll take it!
Thanks for asking, Andrea!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Drilling a Relief Well
Since my last post, BigBro has had one more ginormous volcanic eruption. Again, it was a minor upset at a friend's house. This time, I had the sense to stay at the play date for just such an occasion.
Lack of sleep + life-event stress do not a good thing make. Good grief. I'm typing like Yoda.
Listening to him after this breakdown...or during it, I guess...I heard so many things that broke my heart:
I told him it's totally ok to be mad at dad or me. It's totally ok to feel confused about wanting dad to stay while wanting him to be able to go back to his beloved Boston. It's ok to scream and want to punch things. I can sense the guilt and shame in him - thinking that all of these outbursts and negative feelings are somehow him being "bad".
I did NOT have the answers and I told him so. But God does have the answers and I reminded him of that. His faith is huge. And I'm thanking God for growing it so huge because it's what will get him through this.
When I dropped him off at school yesterday, he was down. Not pouty or over dramatic. He was probably depressed. He was low energy. He was giving people brave fake smiles. But it wasn't him. Sadness just dripped off of him.
From our conversations, I knew he thought he had reverted. He knows how awesome he's been doing with no tics, no rage and no anxiety. And all of a sudden, bam! they're both back in spades. So add to all the guilt, fear, hurt and anger the thought that suddenly Tourette's is back and taking over.
Yesterday, I called his therapist and said he needed to get in there because he was having an emotional crisis. They got him in first thing this morning.
Our play therapist, Dr.M, is awesome. He loves both boys so much. But he has that special appreciation for BigBro. Today, BigBro saw Dr.M for an hour. Toward the end, I joined them and they showed me (some of) what they had discussed.
Dr.M firstly explained that all of these crazy conflicting emotions are very hard to wrestle. And that EVERYone wrestles with them in their life. Even grown ups. So A) you're not alone.
He then explained that everyone has needs in their lives. I saw a piece of paper that had a bunch listed - obviously, they had made the list together. I saw things like "security", "attention"...I couldn't read all of it. Dr.M explained to BigBro that all of these needs, if not met, will pull on you like gravity. Except they pull your heart (ie emotions). So when a big life event comes along and these needs become greater, the heart can sometimes be over run by things like fear, anger, hurt, and guilt. I saw those written on that same pad.
It was explained better than that but that's what's in my head.
So Dr.M asked BigBro to show me how he had modeled what his emotions might look like in the sand table. Ok...wow. Firstly, I wouldn't even know how to go about modeling that. But here's what he did (and I wish I had photographed it):
One third of the sand table was fenced off and had a volcano, ambulance and eagle figure. The other two thirds had some bright shining marbles & stones, some little toy street signs (like yield, stop, arrows, etc.), a colorful moth figure and a bat figure. It also had a big wooden elephant near the fence.
The side with the elephant represented the side that held his friends (moth & bat), fun (shining marbles & stones), and direction (signs). The elephant represented a big event that happened. It was so big, it pushed him out of the fun side and into the volcano side.
The volcano side represented his isolation. He felt alone even with people around. The volcano represented his anger. The ambulance could get to him but wasn't able to stay long (he showed it sliding down the sand away from his eagle self).
I pointed to a Grinch figure on the fun side that was facing the volcano side. He said that represents how he feels like there is something watching him, always ready to mess him up. He felt like it was his guilt and other emotions that would get him when he least expected it.
It was amazing.
I told him I found it very interesting that his two friends had wings. Because his two best friends are very awesome and true friends. It made me think that their wings would allow them to fly up over this huge elephant and get to him. He looked at them for a minute and went, "Ohhh..." then picked the moth & bat up and flew them over to his eagle self. He liked that. I also pointed out that HE had wings. He liked that, too.
Dr.M drilled a relief well for my little volcano today. It's a good start, as he said. But putting words and labels on those needs and emotions was key, I think. BigBro seemed light when we left. Like, he knew what it all was now. He had identified it and named it. It's a known quantity. Takes the edge off that fear and anxiety.
When I dropped him off at school, he greeted the teachers with his usual bright, "Hi!"
I know we're not done yet. But that relief well is doing its job. It's relieving the pressure and letting God do the rest.
Keep those prayers coming.
Lack of sleep + life-event stress do not a good thing make. Good grief. I'm typing like Yoda.
Listening to him after this breakdown...or during it, I guess...I heard so many things that broke my heart:
- When will this STOP?!
- I don't want to FEEL this way!!!!
- This happens every DAY!!
- This will never end.
- I'm so confused!
- I don't even know who I AM!
- I don't even know what I'm feeling!!!
I told him it's totally ok to be mad at dad or me. It's totally ok to feel confused about wanting dad to stay while wanting him to be able to go back to his beloved Boston. It's ok to scream and want to punch things. I can sense the guilt and shame in him - thinking that all of these outbursts and negative feelings are somehow him being "bad".
I did NOT have the answers and I told him so. But God does have the answers and I reminded him of that. His faith is huge. And I'm thanking God for growing it so huge because it's what will get him through this.
When I dropped him off at school yesterday, he was down. Not pouty or over dramatic. He was probably depressed. He was low energy. He was giving people brave fake smiles. But it wasn't him. Sadness just dripped off of him.
From our conversations, I knew he thought he had reverted. He knows how awesome he's been doing with no tics, no rage and no anxiety. And all of a sudden, bam! they're both back in spades. So add to all the guilt, fear, hurt and anger the thought that suddenly Tourette's is back and taking over.
Yesterday, I called his therapist and said he needed to get in there because he was having an emotional crisis. They got him in first thing this morning.
Our play therapist, Dr.M, is awesome. He loves both boys so much. But he has that special appreciation for BigBro. Today, BigBro saw Dr.M for an hour. Toward the end, I joined them and they showed me (some of) what they had discussed.
Dr.M firstly explained that all of these crazy conflicting emotions are very hard to wrestle. And that EVERYone wrestles with them in their life. Even grown ups. So A) you're not alone.
He then explained that everyone has needs in their lives. I saw a piece of paper that had a bunch listed - obviously, they had made the list together. I saw things like "security", "attention"...I couldn't read all of it. Dr.M explained to BigBro that all of these needs, if not met, will pull on you like gravity. Except they pull your heart (ie emotions). So when a big life event comes along and these needs become greater, the heart can sometimes be over run by things like fear, anger, hurt, and guilt. I saw those written on that same pad.
It was explained better than that but that's what's in my head.
So Dr.M asked BigBro to show me how he had modeled what his emotions might look like in the sand table. Ok...wow. Firstly, I wouldn't even know how to go about modeling that. But here's what he did (and I wish I had photographed it):
One third of the sand table was fenced off and had a volcano, ambulance and eagle figure. The other two thirds had some bright shining marbles & stones, some little toy street signs (like yield, stop, arrows, etc.), a colorful moth figure and a bat figure. It also had a big wooden elephant near the fence.
The side with the elephant represented the side that held his friends (moth & bat), fun (shining marbles & stones), and direction (signs). The elephant represented a big event that happened. It was so big, it pushed him out of the fun side and into the volcano side.
The volcano side represented his isolation. He felt alone even with people around. The volcano represented his anger. The ambulance could get to him but wasn't able to stay long (he showed it sliding down the sand away from his eagle self).
I pointed to a Grinch figure on the fun side that was facing the volcano side. He said that represents how he feels like there is something watching him, always ready to mess him up. He felt like it was his guilt and other emotions that would get him when he least expected it.
It was amazing.
I told him I found it very interesting that his two friends had wings. Because his two best friends are very awesome and true friends. It made me think that their wings would allow them to fly up over this huge elephant and get to him. He looked at them for a minute and went, "Ohhh..." then picked the moth & bat up and flew them over to his eagle self. He liked that. I also pointed out that HE had wings. He liked that, too.
Dr.M drilled a relief well for my little volcano today. It's a good start, as he said. But putting words and labels on those needs and emotions was key, I think. BigBro seemed light when we left. Like, he knew what it all was now. He had identified it and named it. It's a known quantity. Takes the edge off that fear and anxiety.
When I dropped him off at school, he greeted the teachers with his usual bright, "Hi!"
I know we're not done yet. But that relief well is doing its job. It's relieving the pressure and letting God do the rest.
Keep those prayers coming.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Uncorked
BigBro is having a rough go of it this month. The boys' dad moved back to town on 09/01. He's a 5 minute walk from our house. He's not mopey and he's already helped me out with sharing the kid care almost every day.
The boys are thrilled. But...so many emotional obstacles. BigBro finally uncorked at my friend's house tonight. Huge meltdown. All of the conflicting emotions he's been bottling came flying out when one teeny thing happened. Here's what was in the volcano:
Tonight, the boys were at my friend's house, playing with her two boys and a few others. The Ex and I went out for Indian food - the boys are not fans. Just as we wrapped up dinner, my phone rang and my friend told me BigBro was having a big meltdown and she wasn't making any headway with him. She got him on the phone and he wasn't making any sense. He was way beyond losing it.
When we got there, she came out to meet us. He had calmed down enough and uncorked on her. I think it helped having a totally neutral loving safe person to talk to. She explained that some game had gone bad (some boys not following rules - which sets BigBro off on even a good day) and that did it. UNCORK. So that one little pinhole became the egress for all of these pent up emotions. He had communicated #4-7 to me the other night. But I hadn't know all of the rest.
The boys went home with their dad tonight. I'm hoping that goes well. He hasn't had to deal with this close up for quite a while. I wish I had them. Ah well.
But to back track - since their dad returned, BigBro has been having exaggerated blinking, his finger/hand action (Spidey Hands), shoulder shrugging, and multiple little verbal tics. His threshold for dealing with problems has dropped. He's been having little emotional explosions here and at school. One happened this morning at school.
So the signs have been there. I knew something was up. And I knew it coincided with the return of The Ex. I know it's normal. I'm not worried about this being some long-lasting thing. But I can tell you this: I'm making an appointment with our awesome child counselor on Monday.
If you're the praying kind, my boys need it. LilBro clams up. So this could all be going on in his head, too. I don't know yet.
Like I told BigBro - God is bigger than this. He'll help BigBro control his body again. Now that we know what's going on and how to counter it. Come on, God!
The boys are thrilled. But...so many emotional obstacles. BigBro finally uncorked at my friend's house tonight. Huge meltdown. All of the conflicting emotions he's been bottling came flying out when one teeny thing happened. Here's what was in the volcano:
- BigBro hesitated to show how happy he is about their dad being back. He thought it might hurt me.
- We are letting them choose where they want to sleep pretty often. BigBro was worried if he wanted to stay with parent A, it would insult or hurt parent B.
- He's afraid dad will leave again.
- He's glad dad is back but knows he really wants to live in Boston. He feels bad that dad can't be where he wants to live (I personally also think he feels guilt over this).
- He feels bad that dad gave up all his friends.
- He feels bad that dad gave up his band, job, life, etc.
- He worried about dad's ex-girl thing because, well, he saw what a breakup can do.
Tonight, the boys were at my friend's house, playing with her two boys and a few others. The Ex and I went out for Indian food - the boys are not fans. Just as we wrapped up dinner, my phone rang and my friend told me BigBro was having a big meltdown and she wasn't making any headway with him. She got him on the phone and he wasn't making any sense. He was way beyond losing it.
When we got there, she came out to meet us. He had calmed down enough and uncorked on her. I think it helped having a totally neutral loving safe person to talk to. She explained that some game had gone bad (some boys not following rules - which sets BigBro off on even a good day) and that did it. UNCORK. So that one little pinhole became the egress for all of these pent up emotions. He had communicated #4-7 to me the other night. But I hadn't know all of the rest.
The boys went home with their dad tonight. I'm hoping that goes well. He hasn't had to deal with this close up for quite a while. I wish I had them. Ah well.
But to back track - since their dad returned, BigBro has been having exaggerated blinking, his finger/hand action (Spidey Hands), shoulder shrugging, and multiple little verbal tics. His threshold for dealing with problems has dropped. He's been having little emotional explosions here and at school. One happened this morning at school.
So the signs have been there. I knew something was up. And I knew it coincided with the return of The Ex. I know it's normal. I'm not worried about this being some long-lasting thing. But I can tell you this: I'm making an appointment with our awesome child counselor on Monday.
If you're the praying kind, my boys need it. LilBro clams up. So this could all be going on in his head, too. I don't know yet.
Like I told BigBro - God is bigger than this. He'll help BigBro control his body again. Now that we know what's going on and how to counter it. Come on, God!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Pokemon Boy is TEN!
On July 5th, Pokemon Boy turned TEN. Double digits. And I have to tell you, I hardly see any signs of Tourette's. He'll tell you he doesn't have it any more. The director at his after school care recently told me that he's not on their watch list. They used to have to watch for his huge highs and lows. They say he's just one of the kids.
All of his teachers (school, after school, church) say that he's a hoot. We went to the doctor yesterday and he was so eloquent and polite, it just blows me away. Most adults that meet him are really taken with him.
Now and then, I see the fingers wiggling. Sometimes he's a bit fidgety. But there are no more anxiety attacks. There are no more raging outbursts. I haven't seen a facial tic or heard a verbal tic in I don't know HOW long.
It's still there a bit. He still says that when I mention it, he feels it. So I don't mention it.
I have to tell you, if you think prayer doesn't work, all I can say is, keep trying. Tenacity. Pokemon Boy and I have been praying about his Tourette's since we found out. I have prayed for complete healing. My church has. My family has. I'm still not giving up because there are teeny traces still there. I have no doubt that Pokemon Boy's amazing progress is all God. How many kids with an anxiety disorder have it just disappear? And during a divorce, his mom being laid off, etc. Yah, that is ALL God.
I just had to share that. My boy is ten. He's an amazing person. I have no doubt that God has some big plans for him. And overcoming this Tourette's thing is probably part of it.
Here's a shot for you. This was spring 2001. He was about 9 months old. Couldjya DIE?!
All of his teachers (school, after school, church) say that he's a hoot. We went to the doctor yesterday and he was so eloquent and polite, it just blows me away. Most adults that meet him are really taken with him.
Now and then, I see the fingers wiggling. Sometimes he's a bit fidgety. But there are no more anxiety attacks. There are no more raging outbursts. I haven't seen a facial tic or heard a verbal tic in I don't know HOW long.
It's still there a bit. He still says that when I mention it, he feels it. So I don't mention it.
I have to tell you, if you think prayer doesn't work, all I can say is, keep trying. Tenacity. Pokemon Boy and I have been praying about his Tourette's since we found out. I have prayed for complete healing. My church has. My family has. I'm still not giving up because there are teeny traces still there. I have no doubt that Pokemon Boy's amazing progress is all God. How many kids with an anxiety disorder have it just disappear? And during a divorce, his mom being laid off, etc. Yah, that is ALL God.
I just had to share that. My boy is ten. He's an amazing person. I have no doubt that God has some big plans for him. And overcoming this Tourette's thing is probably part of it.
Here's a shot for you. This was spring 2001. He was about 9 months old. Couldjya DIE?!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Hey Uncle Jim, Save a Place For Me
A couple of hours after posting that last post, my mom called and told me Uncle Jim had passed away that night.
He had a very pleasant last day and was able to say goodbye to almost all his family on the phone or in person. He died surrounded by family. That evening, my cousin posted the following on his CaringBridge journal:
Our Papaw has left this world for a better place. He died surrounded by his family and friends. We thank you for your love and support of our Dad/Papaw. We know that he is going to walk the streets of gold and hang out with Mindy and Jesus. (Mindy was his special dog that loved him as much as we did. ) Thank you Jesus for letting us have such a great Papaw. We love you! [signed the family] CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am encouraged today hearing the plans of all the extended family to get there to love on each other. I think Jim will be happy we will all finally be in one spot together. It's been a long time coming.
All the emails, Facebook posts, texts and phone calls have been so wonderful. My family is very lucky to be covered in so much prayer and love from strangers all over the world.
Easter 2010: My Uncle Jim & Aunt Lucy (center) surrounded by their 4 kids and their families:
He had a very pleasant last day and was able to say goodbye to almost all his family on the phone or in person. He died surrounded by family. That evening, my cousin posted the following on his CaringBridge journal:
Our Papaw has left this world for a better place. He died surrounded by his family and friends. We thank you for your love and support of our Dad/Papaw. We know that he is going to walk the streets of gold and hang out with Mindy and Jesus. (Mindy was his special dog that loved him as much as we did. ) Thank you Jesus for letting us have such a great Papaw. We love you! [signed the family] CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am encouraged today hearing the plans of all the extended family to get there to love on each other. I think Jim will be happy we will all finally be in one spot together. It's been a long time coming.
All the emails, Facebook posts, texts and phone calls have been so wonderful. My family is very lucky to be covered in so much prayer and love from strangers all over the world.
Easter 2010: My Uncle Jim & Aunt Lucy (center) surrounded by their 4 kids and their families:
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Lil'Bro And His Fear Box
I'll try to make this quick as I'm supposed to hit the hay. I've been sick with allergy-induced asthma and all sorts of phlegmy goodness for about a week now. Getting better. But shouldn't stay up blogging.
And yet...
Had to share this gem with you.
Lil'Bro is 6. It's around this age that many kids start wrestling with fear. Pokemon Boy went through a real battle with this that was exacerbated by his anxiety disorder. Lil'Bro seems to be pretty much on par for his age.
He's becoming more aware of the world. He hangs with older kids more than PB did at this age. Simply because he is included in PB's world. He's also more saturated in a peer group at this age than PB was. So he hears all sorts of stuff from other kids of all ages.
One kid on the bus informs him that curses (like in movies) are REAL and can kill you. This same kid tells him days later that there are these certain words that, if you say them? They'll kill you! This kid needs to stop watching horror movies.
Another child regales the after school class with stories of parasites: what they are, what they can do to you (always the worst case scenarios, mind you). She informs everyone on bed-bugs later in the week. She's probably just reciting snippets from her recent viewing of something in Discovery.
Then there are the real worries of little kids like, what if something happens to mom? What if so and so dies? What if lava erupts under our house? What if a tornado hits us?
I don't want my kids to live in fear. I held on to lots of fears as a kid. I had a particular fear of "bad guys". And I'm talking stereotypical cat-burglar types, all in black with the black ski-masks, etc? Oh yah. I would have waking dreams where they'd be standing in my room with a ravenous barking dog. I'd be convinced they were outside my house, holding a single match to the corner of the house to burn my house down. Because I'm sure that's how arson is done. I was terrified of hurricanes and tornadoes. Earthquakes and volcanoes. At one point, I was terrified of the Bermuda Triangle. This, while I lived in New England.
So I get fear. And I get how it can stick to you. My mom told me she never knew to teach us kids how to pray against it. It never occurred to her.
In 2005, my small group specifically targeted fear with in-depth prayer. It was amazing. And when God broke the grip of the paralyzing fear in my life at that time, it really did feel like freedom. Oh don't get me wrong. I still wrestle with fear. Real and imagined. I don't watch the news because of how it affects my boys. But also because it's too easy to buy into the media's biased frenzy. And there are still nights when I leap onto my bed, careful not to let my feet dangle over the edge . . . just in case there's someone or something under my bed.
But now I know how to battle it. God is a God of peace. The prince of stupidity is the author of fear. And he's darn good at it. But he still can't stand against earnest prayers in Jesus' name. Nope.
So, yah. Back to the subject (my hope of brevity once again shattered by my vomitous verbosity).
I've been arming my boys for years by teaching them to pray. I've shown them God doesn't care about fancy words. There's no secret formula to "praying the right way." You just tell him what's going on. You tell him what's wrong or what you're happy about. So I tell them to tell God what's scaring them - just like they'd tell me.
Well, praying against the fear wasn't really working all that well for Lil'Bro. It's one thing to ask for it. It's another to believe it. And it's a whole other kettle of fish to receive it. Especially when you're 6.
I'm pretty sure it was my Boston small group that taught me this visualization. I would package up a problem. Wrap it up in my mind. I usually visualized wrapping it tight in brown paper and lots of packing tape. And I would give it to God. Sometimes I would lay it at the foot of The Cross, asking God to take it from me. Or I'd say I'm releasing it to you, please take it from me.
So with Lil'Bro, I told him that we're gonna box up all our fears and ask God to take them. So we do this thing. We close our eyes and hold out our hands like we're holding the sides of a box. Then I say, "God, we're putting all these fears in this box," [miming putting things in our box]. "We need help because we just can't conquer these fears all by ourselves. But we know you can. So we're putting a lid on this box," [miming the lid] "and we're releasing them to you," [miming handing it out to God]. "So God, we release these fears to you and ask you to take care of them. Because we know you're big enough to handle it for us." That's the general gist of it.
So the other night, we're doing this. And after we released the fear box to God, Lil'Bro said something like, "Let's ask God to give the box back to us filled with [mumble mumble]..." I said, "What?" because it sounded like he said something like toys. And I thought, oh boy, he's getting the wrong idea. He mumbled it again and I said, "Toys?" He goes, "No mom. Let's ask God to return the box to us filled with JOY." Oh my goodness! And here I was thinking he might not be getting the idea. I nearly hugged his head off. "Of course! Yes! Let's ask God to return it to us filled with joy!!" I had him pray that part. Which he did swimmingly. I have no doubt God did so with a big huge smile on his face.
And yet...
Had to share this gem with you.
Lil'Bro is 6. It's around this age that many kids start wrestling with fear. Pokemon Boy went through a real battle with this that was exacerbated by his anxiety disorder. Lil'Bro seems to be pretty much on par for his age.
He's becoming more aware of the world. He hangs with older kids more than PB did at this age. Simply because he is included in PB's world. He's also more saturated in a peer group at this age than PB was. So he hears all sorts of stuff from other kids of all ages.
One kid on the bus informs him that curses (like in movies) are REAL and can kill you. This same kid tells him days later that there are these certain words that, if you say them? They'll kill you! This kid needs to stop watching horror movies.
Another child regales the after school class with stories of parasites: what they are, what they can do to you (always the worst case scenarios, mind you). She informs everyone on bed-bugs later in the week. She's probably just reciting snippets from her recent viewing of something in Discovery.
Then there are the real worries of little kids like, what if something happens to mom? What if so and so dies? What if lava erupts under our house? What if a tornado hits us?
I don't want my kids to live in fear. I held on to lots of fears as a kid. I had a particular fear of "bad guys". And I'm talking stereotypical cat-burglar types, all in black with the black ski-masks, etc? Oh yah. I would have waking dreams where they'd be standing in my room with a ravenous barking dog. I'd be convinced they were outside my house, holding a single match to the corner of the house to burn my house down. Because I'm sure that's how arson is done. I was terrified of hurricanes and tornadoes. Earthquakes and volcanoes. At one point, I was terrified of the Bermuda Triangle. This, while I lived in New England.
So I get fear. And I get how it can stick to you. My mom told me she never knew to teach us kids how to pray against it. It never occurred to her.
In 2005, my small group specifically targeted fear with in-depth prayer. It was amazing. And when God broke the grip of the paralyzing fear in my life at that time, it really did feel like freedom. Oh don't get me wrong. I still wrestle with fear. Real and imagined. I don't watch the news because of how it affects my boys. But also because it's too easy to buy into the media's biased frenzy. And there are still nights when I leap onto my bed, careful not to let my feet dangle over the edge . . . just in case there's someone or something under my bed.
But now I know how to battle it. God is a God of peace. The prince of stupidity is the author of fear. And he's darn good at it. But he still can't stand against earnest prayers in Jesus' name. Nope.
So, yah. Back to the subject (my hope of brevity once again shattered by my vomitous verbosity).
I've been arming my boys for years by teaching them to pray. I've shown them God doesn't care about fancy words. There's no secret formula to "praying the right way." You just tell him what's going on. You tell him what's wrong or what you're happy about. So I tell them to tell God what's scaring them - just like they'd tell me.
Well, praying against the fear wasn't really working all that well for Lil'Bro. It's one thing to ask for it. It's another to believe it. And it's a whole other kettle of fish to receive it. Especially when you're 6.
I'm pretty sure it was my Boston small group that taught me this visualization. I would package up a problem. Wrap it up in my mind. I usually visualized wrapping it tight in brown paper and lots of packing tape. And I would give it to God. Sometimes I would lay it at the foot of The Cross, asking God to take it from me. Or I'd say I'm releasing it to you, please take it from me.
So with Lil'Bro, I told him that we're gonna box up all our fears and ask God to take them. So we do this thing. We close our eyes and hold out our hands like we're holding the sides of a box. Then I say, "God, we're putting all these fears in this box," [miming putting things in our box]. "We need help because we just can't conquer these fears all by ourselves. But we know you can. So we're putting a lid on this box," [miming the lid] "and we're releasing them to you," [miming handing it out to God]. "So God, we release these fears to you and ask you to take care of them. Because we know you're big enough to handle it for us." That's the general gist of it.So the other night, we're doing this. And after we released the fear box to God, Lil'Bro said something like, "Let's ask God to give the box back to us filled with [mumble mumble]..." I said, "What?" because it sounded like he said something like toys. And I thought, oh boy, he's getting the wrong idea. He mumbled it again and I said, "Toys?" He goes, "No mom. Let's ask God to return the box to us filled with JOY." Oh my goodness! And here I was thinking he might not be getting the idea. I nearly hugged his head off. "Of course! Yes! Let's ask God to return it to us filled with joy!!" I had him pray that part. Which he did swimmingly. I have no doubt God did so with a big huge smile on his face.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Ain't Got No TIME!
Grammah-heads, go nuts on my title. I can take it.
I have no time these days. While I was laid off (or vacationing), I had plenty of time. Being a single mom while being laid off (caveat being that I had a full year of severance) was a piece of cake. I recall thinking, "This single mom thing isn't quite as hard as I had thought." This is where all the single parents can laugh at me. Go ahead. I'll wait.
My work day (including prep, drive, work and drive home) goes pretty much from 5:15am to about 4:30pm. Oh I'm not asking you to cry me a river. I'm sure any number of you can one-up me on this. I have no illusions that I'm some kind of unique sufferer here. I'm just sayin'. And if you know my last few decades of work, you'll know I'm used to sleeping in and working flex hours and having help covering the kid care thing. This is quite different for me.
It's not so bad. We've found a rhythm. We're not thrilled with having to get up this early. The boys don't love having to stay away from home for so long every day. Pokemon Boy, in particular, has voiced his discontent with being away from me so often. It's a sad thing to hear even as it makes me feel loved.
Most days I'm cool with this. Having been out of work for so long and then doing the job search in the midst of the hiring hell that was the end of 2009, I fully appreciate my job. But every now and then I'll have a day that reminds me that this is not the ideal plan. There is a reason that parenting is - ideally - a two person job.
It's a weird set of emotions. One the one hand, I Am Woman. Hear Me Roar. Don't sell me short. Because I'm strong as hell and have an attitude as big as my adopted state. Being thrown into single parenthood stretched me. God provided a new and improved spine. He seems to fill my gas tank every time I'm sure I'll pass out. I've been able to handle all sorts of things on my own that, a mere 4 years ago, I was positive I could never do alone! I've got God on my side. Ain't nothin' I can't do.
On the other hand, I'm human. And us humans are good at whining. We're good at complaining. We're lousy at forgiving. We're constantly looking at everyone else's plate to size up what they've got and hey, that's not fair! So as that fallible human, the hard days trip me up. Easily.
Last week, I didn't get a lot of sleep. My house was a cluttery mess. I was barely keeping up with the laundry. The boys were whiny and asking for things as if money grew out of my arm pits. I hadn't read with Lil'Bro in forever - which I'm supposed to do every night and mark in his school folder. I haven't been able to get to the spring maintenance of my yard...or anything else, for that matter. Oh I don't even remember it all but I had a list. I was down on myself. I was overwhelmed.
It was during this load that I had one of those moments. One of those moments where I just mulled over and over how unfair it is. That The Ex had just up and walked out and left all of this on me. There's a whole set of thoughts that go along that theme. None of which show any kind of maturity or grace. Plenty of family and friends would tell me I have every right to feel these things. But you know, it's been...wow...looking at the calendar, it's been 3 years exactly from when the proverbial fan was hit. I can't keep dredging this garbage up.
Anyway, as usual, this past Sunday, God gave my pastor a lesson just for me. Oh, it touched on a lot of things. But the mention of forgiveness and how hard it is - that's the part that stuck on me. I have no doubt that was God's intention.
So my prayer since Sunday is that God can put true forgiveness into my heart for The Ex and even for his girl thing. It's been a prayer off and on since 2007. I imagine it will be a prayer off and on for quite a while. You see, it's one thing to ask for it. It's another thing to mean it. And it's still another thing to actually receive it.
I have no time. Well, welcome to everyone else's reality, chica. I'm over it. I can make the time if I stop wasting it on self pity and all the other useless emotions I allow myself too often.
God has done some amazing work here. But it's a big job. He's not done yet. Thankfully.
Ok, I'm babbling. I'm outtie.
I have no time these days. While I was laid off (or vacationing), I had plenty of time. Being a single mom while being laid off (caveat being that I had a full year of severance) was a piece of cake. I recall thinking, "This single mom thing isn't quite as hard as I had thought." This is where all the single parents can laugh at me. Go ahead. I'll wait.
My work day (including prep, drive, work and drive home) goes pretty much from 5:15am to about 4:30pm. Oh I'm not asking you to cry me a river. I'm sure any number of you can one-up me on this. I have no illusions that I'm some kind of unique sufferer here. I'm just sayin'. And if you know my last few decades of work, you'll know I'm used to sleeping in and working flex hours and having help covering the kid care thing. This is quite different for me.
It's not so bad. We've found a rhythm. We're not thrilled with having to get up this early. The boys don't love having to stay away from home for so long every day. Pokemon Boy, in particular, has voiced his discontent with being away from me so often. It's a sad thing to hear even as it makes me feel loved.
Most days I'm cool with this. Having been out of work for so long and then doing the job search in the midst of the hiring hell that was the end of 2009, I fully appreciate my job. But every now and then I'll have a day that reminds me that this is not the ideal plan. There is a reason that parenting is - ideally - a two person job.
It's a weird set of emotions. One the one hand, I Am Woman. Hear Me Roar. Don't sell me short. Because I'm strong as hell and have an attitude as big as my adopted state. Being thrown into single parenthood stretched me. God provided a new and improved spine. He seems to fill my gas tank every time I'm sure I'll pass out. I've been able to handle all sorts of things on my own that, a mere 4 years ago, I was positive I could never do alone! I've got God on my side. Ain't nothin' I can't do.
On the other hand, I'm human. And us humans are good at whining. We're good at complaining. We're lousy at forgiving. We're constantly looking at everyone else's plate to size up what they've got and hey, that's not fair! So as that fallible human, the hard days trip me up. Easily.
Last week, I didn't get a lot of sleep. My house was a cluttery mess. I was barely keeping up with the laundry. The boys were whiny and asking for things as if money grew out of my arm pits. I hadn't read with Lil'Bro in forever - which I'm supposed to do every night and mark in his school folder. I haven't been able to get to the spring maintenance of my yard...or anything else, for that matter. Oh I don't even remember it all but I had a list. I was down on myself. I was overwhelmed.
It was during this load that I had one of those moments. One of those moments where I just mulled over and over how unfair it is. That The Ex had just up and walked out and left all of this on me. There's a whole set of thoughts that go along that theme. None of which show any kind of maturity or grace. Plenty of family and friends would tell me I have every right to feel these things. But you know, it's been...wow...looking at the calendar, it's been 3 years exactly from when the proverbial fan was hit. I can't keep dredging this garbage up.
Anyway, as usual, this past Sunday, God gave my pastor a lesson just for me. Oh, it touched on a lot of things. But the mention of forgiveness and how hard it is - that's the part that stuck on me. I have no doubt that was God's intention.
So my prayer since Sunday is that God can put true forgiveness into my heart for The Ex and even for his girl thing. It's been a prayer off and on since 2007. I imagine it will be a prayer off and on for quite a while. You see, it's one thing to ask for it. It's another thing to mean it. And it's still another thing to actually receive it.
I have no time. Well, welcome to everyone else's reality, chica. I'm over it. I can make the time if I stop wasting it on self pity and all the other useless emotions I allow myself too often.
God has done some amazing work here. But it's a big job. He's not done yet. Thankfully.
Ok, I'm babbling. I'm outtie.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Awesome And Scattered
An update for the new year. That's what I've promised you. The two of you that read this (Hi Uncle Dan!). It's gonna be a bit all over the place. Some awesome things are happening and some stressful times are hitting. It never comes when scheduled, does it!
Let me go look to see what my last real update was. Hold on...
Oh yah. We'll start with the good stuff. So yah, the JOB! Woo hoo! I've been working at the new job since Dec 14th. I still love it. Today, my project manager was amused at my gung-ho Pollyanna "I love my job" attitude. He said, "Don't worry. We'll crush your soul eventually." Not a chance. If my last job couldn't, it ain't gonna happen. So on the job front: awesome job description, awesome coworkers, awesome bosses, awesome project. Yah. I'm diggin' it. Also, they're slowly being exposed to and getting used to my humor. Mwah ha ha ha ha!
New Years was nice and mellow. The Ex was in town to visit the boys. We hung out more than my family would probably want. We are friendly and get along. God has been working some amazing forgiveness into my heart. Also, some compassion. You know, when someone crashes and burns their life - even if it takes a large chunk of yours with it for a while - it's never fun to watch. And the boys love him. So we hung a few times.
The strange thing about hanging with The Ex is our attempts at talking. It doesn't always work but we have been slowly trying to find resolution on as many issues that contributed to our demise as possible. Any of you divorced people know that's a rare thing. Even if the desire to try to find some closure is there, it rarely ever happens. We had some good talks. We have both been able to bring a few things to the table, lay them out, own up to them and apologize. It's not perfect. I can't say I never flare up and toss a few digs at him. But there is a slow process of communication going on here that I know doesn't often happen between exes. And I appreciate it. Just knowing he's not a complete evil horror show is helpful.
My brain is a bit fried right now. I'm not quite used to my new work schedule. I am up between 5-5:30am each morning (and I am NOT a morning person). The boys get up at 6am now - an hour early for them. And the not-morning-person thing is apparently genetic. But we'll adjust eventually.
School is going well. They have their moments. Pokemon Boy had some struggles with going back after winter break. Also, every time his dad visits and then leaves, he has a rough week or two. Hopefully we're over all of that.
We have a lot of family illnesses and injuries happening all at once. I am not really in a frame of mind to go into the details. But there is a LOT of prayer going on in our family at the moment. And of course, prayers for Haiti dominate a lot of my time.
I'm really way too scattered to make this any kind of interesting. I promise to be a bit more coherent and linear in my next post.
Smooches, y'all.
Let me go look to see what my last real update was. Hold on...
Oh yah. We'll start with the good stuff. So yah, the JOB! Woo hoo! I've been working at the new job since Dec 14th. I still love it. Today, my project manager was amused at my gung-ho Pollyanna "I love my job" attitude. He said, "Don't worry. We'll crush your soul eventually." Not a chance. If my last job couldn't, it ain't gonna happen. So on the job front: awesome job description, awesome coworkers, awesome bosses, awesome project. Yah. I'm diggin' it. Also, they're slowly being exposed to and getting used to my humor. Mwah ha ha ha ha!
New Years was nice and mellow. The Ex was in town to visit the boys. We hung out more than my family would probably want. We are friendly and get along. God has been working some amazing forgiveness into my heart. Also, some compassion. You know, when someone crashes and burns their life - even if it takes a large chunk of yours with it for a while - it's never fun to watch. And the boys love him. So we hung a few times.
The strange thing about hanging with The Ex is our attempts at talking. It doesn't always work but we have been slowly trying to find resolution on as many issues that contributed to our demise as possible. Any of you divorced people know that's a rare thing. Even if the desire to try to find some closure is there, it rarely ever happens. We had some good talks. We have both been able to bring a few things to the table, lay them out, own up to them and apologize. It's not perfect. I can't say I never flare up and toss a few digs at him. But there is a slow process of communication going on here that I know doesn't often happen between exes. And I appreciate it. Just knowing he's not a complete evil horror show is helpful.
My brain is a bit fried right now. I'm not quite used to my new work schedule. I am up between 5-5:30am each morning (and I am NOT a morning person). The boys get up at 6am now - an hour early for them. And the not-morning-person thing is apparently genetic. But we'll adjust eventually.
School is going well. They have their moments. Pokemon Boy had some struggles with going back after winter break. Also, every time his dad visits and then leaves, he has a rough week or two. Hopefully we're over all of that.
We have a lot of family illnesses and injuries happening all at once. I am not really in a frame of mind to go into the details. But there is a LOT of prayer going on in our family at the moment. And of course, prayers for Haiti dominate a lot of my time.
I'm really way too scattered to make this any kind of interesting. I promise to be a bit more coherent and linear in my next post.
Smooches, y'all.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
An Aside: My Friend Joe
I have promised a new year update to quite a few of you. I promise I will update soon. But right now, I want to introduce you to a wonderful friend of mine. I don't know if I've ever posted about all my efforts with acupuncture back in 1998 through 2001. The very brief version of the story goes like this:
I was sick ALL the time. I would use all vacation & sick time due to bladder, bronchial and/or sinus infections. I caught every cold, flu or whatever that floated around. I thought it was just my lot.
In 1998, a coworker pointed me to a doctor that had cure chronic bladder infections for his wife. But it was an acupuncturist. Back in 1998, I liked to think I was open minded. Well, like most people, I was open to anything that fit in my small life parameters. Acupuncture was snake oil to me. Fake. A waste of time and/or money. I poo poo'd my friend's information.
A few months later, after one or more bladder infections every month, I asked this guy, "So...what was that doctor's name again?"
Ok, I'm not being brief. I went to Doctor Joe. I was expecting a short Asian dude. I got a tall white guy. I thought it wouldn't work because I didn't believe in it. Thankfully, I was wrong. Joe educated me about the natural electrical currents that run through our bodies. They are supposed to run in certain pathways. When something whacks one or more out of alignment, it can affect the flow of others. So if these electrical currents get out of whack, they can cause any kind of problem. That sounded less hokey pokey to me than I had expected. So, the needles are used to realign the currents into their necessary pathways. That's my take on it. That's "Acupuncture As Explained By A Moron" take on it.
Joe also changed my nutritional intake. Everything you put in your body should be thought of just like any drug you'd take. Everything affects your body in different ways. Even foods. And some things should be cut out for certain illnesses and other things increased. And this changes as your body changes.
So with hard-core nutritional changes (which were the hardest thing I've ever done) and hard-core acupuncture treatments for two years, my body began to get fixed. Not only did my bladder infections disappear (along with all my other recurring infections), my reproductive issues were addressed (I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids), some debilitating head pains disappeared, and I got crazy healthy. I lost 25 lbs in 8 months without changing my exercise. I had energy. I was off antibiotics (which I had taken daily for almost 30 yrs).
Two children I wasn't supposed to be able to have later, I was in great shape.
In 2004 or 2005, I slowly rolled off the wagon and returned to my American diet. Not horribly so. But slowly adding things back in that would undo all the hard work. Here in 2010, I have started experiencing a resurgence of various bacterial infections that I haven't had since 1999. I'm also overweight again. I know why. I know what I need to do.
But anyway, the person that helped me take this journey into a healthy lifestyle was my friend Doctor Joe. He also treated Pokemon Boy as a newborn due to his renal reflux. Pokemon Boy amazed his doctors during those first 4 years because he grew (kidney problems can stunt growth) and his kidneys didn't show damage until he was 3 (which is amazing). Even then, the damage was so minimal, we could have left it alone for a long time and have been fine.
I haven't found another acupuncturist here in Texas. I doubt I could find anyone I'd trust like Doctor Joe. He wasn't just a two-year graduate of some acupuncture school. He studied in Oregon - where this practice really took off in the U.S. He studied in China. He had YEARS of schooling under his belt. And years of amazing successes.
Doctor Joe is an awesome guy. I had referred quite a few people to him when I was in Boston. A few were brave enough to try something new and found healthy lives where they had never had success before.
Doctor Joe recently retired from practice because of his own life events which include his own battle with cancer. I keep in touch with him but he's a very very busy single dad since his wife passed away in recent years.
I love Doctor Joe and pray for him regularly. He helped me so much in my physical life, I keep asking God to somehow repay him for me since all I can do is say "thank you." And that seems so inadequate for the friendship, encouragement and physical healing Doctor Joe gave me.
If you want to read more about my amazing friend, I've just put a link in my left-hand column, just under my little-girl picture. Feel free to go read about my friend. And if you're the praying sort, he sure could use some prayers.
I was sick ALL the time. I would use all vacation & sick time due to bladder, bronchial and/or sinus infections. I caught every cold, flu or whatever that floated around. I thought it was just my lot.
In 1998, a coworker pointed me to a doctor that had cure chronic bladder infections for his wife. But it was an acupuncturist. Back in 1998, I liked to think I was open minded. Well, like most people, I was open to anything that fit in my small life parameters. Acupuncture was snake oil to me. Fake. A waste of time and/or money. I poo poo'd my friend's information.
A few months later, after one or more bladder infections every month, I asked this guy, "So...what was that doctor's name again?"
Ok, I'm not being brief. I went to Doctor Joe. I was expecting a short Asian dude. I got a tall white guy. I thought it wouldn't work because I didn't believe in it. Thankfully, I was wrong. Joe educated me about the natural electrical currents that run through our bodies. They are supposed to run in certain pathways. When something whacks one or more out of alignment, it can affect the flow of others. So if these electrical currents get out of whack, they can cause any kind of problem. That sounded less hokey pokey to me than I had expected. So, the needles are used to realign the currents into their necessary pathways. That's my take on it. That's "Acupuncture As Explained By A Moron" take on it.
Joe also changed my nutritional intake. Everything you put in your body should be thought of just like any drug you'd take. Everything affects your body in different ways. Even foods. And some things should be cut out for certain illnesses and other things increased. And this changes as your body changes.
So with hard-core nutritional changes (which were the hardest thing I've ever done) and hard-core acupuncture treatments for two years, my body began to get fixed. Not only did my bladder infections disappear (along with all my other recurring infections), my reproductive issues were addressed (I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids), some debilitating head pains disappeared, and I got crazy healthy. I lost 25 lbs in 8 months without changing my exercise. I had energy. I was off antibiotics (which I had taken daily for almost 30 yrs).
Two children I wasn't supposed to be able to have later, I was in great shape.
In 2004 or 2005, I slowly rolled off the wagon and returned to my American diet. Not horribly so. But slowly adding things back in that would undo all the hard work. Here in 2010, I have started experiencing a resurgence of various bacterial infections that I haven't had since 1999. I'm also overweight again. I know why. I know what I need to do.
But anyway, the person that helped me take this journey into a healthy lifestyle was my friend Doctor Joe. He also treated Pokemon Boy as a newborn due to his renal reflux. Pokemon Boy amazed his doctors during those first 4 years because he grew (kidney problems can stunt growth) and his kidneys didn't show damage until he was 3 (which is amazing). Even then, the damage was so minimal, we could have left it alone for a long time and have been fine.
I haven't found another acupuncturist here in Texas. I doubt I could find anyone I'd trust like Doctor Joe. He wasn't just a two-year graduate of some acupuncture school. He studied in Oregon - where this practice really took off in the U.S. He studied in China. He had YEARS of schooling under his belt. And years of amazing successes.
Doctor Joe is an awesome guy. I had referred quite a few people to him when I was in Boston. A few were brave enough to try something new and found healthy lives where they had never had success before.
Doctor Joe recently retired from practice because of his own life events which include his own battle with cancer. I keep in touch with him but he's a very very busy single dad since his wife passed away in recent years.
I love Doctor Joe and pray for him regularly. He helped me so much in my physical life, I keep asking God to somehow repay him for me since all I can do is say "thank you." And that seems so inadequate for the friendship, encouragement and physical healing Doctor Joe gave me.
If you want to read more about my amazing friend, I've just put a link in my left-hand column, just under my little-girl picture. Feel free to go read about my friend. And if you're the praying sort, he sure could use some prayers.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The New Job (A Day Late)
This should have been posted yesterday. But it was crazy and exhausting so I'm posting it today. I'm also cheating by cutting and pasting what I put on Facebook. Sue me.
Monday, Day 1:
Dudes, I hope you appreciate this. I am so friggin' tired. And sore. But very happy. I put down the iPod, got out of bed, fired up the computer and am typing this update because I can't type this much with two fingers.
I woke up at 5:15am. Unless you know me, you really can't appreciate the miracle here. I am not a morning person. I'm not sure who invented mornings. But they were mean and hateful. I got my kids up 50 minutes before they normal get up. And this, after a late (but awesome) night at church.
I dropped the boys off at day care at 6:30am. The boys weren't thrilled about it but they are troopers. They know "mom has a job" trumps "I hate early mornings".
I left the day care around 6:45am which misses the hellish rush hour. I made it downtown by 7:15am. I parked on the 8th floor of a state employee parking lot which I thought had no elevators (this will come to play later).
I got to the orientation conference room at 7:33am - way early. A really cool lady dragged me into her office saying, "Tell me who you are, where you came from and what you're going to be doing here!" She rocked. She must have had like 17 cups of coffee. She was from NYC so we bonded on the north-eastern-chicks-rock thing.
Orientation started at 8am and went to about 11am. We got a quick tour of the building which included some huge room where they were prepping a Christmas party - complete with amazing smelling BBQ!
11:30am - my new boss came to get me for lunch. And proceeds to take me to the afore mentioned really amazing smelling BBQ room. So on my first day, I got to participate in the IT Christmas party. Sweeeeeeeet!
Later, I had to register my car for the free state employee parking (woot!). So I ran up the 8 flights of stairs in the parking lot to get my registration from my car. Well, I ran up about 5 flights and then pretty much dragged myself up the last 3, gasping like the out of shape suburban mom I am.
The rest of the orientation lasted until about 4:00pm. Complete with a video outlining one of the agency's procedures. All my former Big Financial Corporation coworkers will enjoy conjuring visions of all of the "superbly acted" corporate education videos we endured. Seriously, the kids in the Peanuts cartoons can read their lines better than these. It was a hoot. It had this horrid screeching string quartet as the "incidental music". The poor instructor looked like he was going to put knitting needles through his ears. He said he has to listen to that video EVERY Monday. He's a musician and now refuses to play his own violin. HA! Anyway, made me recall many hours of corporate videos over the last 22 years.
I got to see my new...um...office...er...desk...er...converted supply closet ala 'Office Space'. I think tomorrow, I will bring my own stapler and clutch it to my chest all day.
I don't really care. They created a space for me. I share this little supply closet with two other people. The one I met is awesome. I asked her if she was ok with me bringing in my 'Precious Moments' figurines and could she help me figure out where to place them. She laughed hard which gives me great hope.
Also, my new boss is super nice. When I would tell people who I was working for, they'd all go, "Oh he is like the nicest guy!" And apparently knows his stuff. I'm told my new PM is quick thinking, very focused and doesn't like excuses or drama (those last two are his words). I told him I just finished swimming in a shark tank. I can hack it. We'll see if I can still swim.
Everyone I met today seems really nice. I'm sure there are the usual mix of characters and personalities.
The benefits rock. Health, dental, wellness initiatives, optional life and all that stuff. The official state holidays we get off are great. Plus, they just this year started giving "early release" days on a schedule. So you can know that you'll be released after 4 hrs on, say, Dec 23rd. So you can actually PLAN something in stead of being told 3 seconds before it happens. VERY cool.
Clothes are "business casual" but on Fridays, it's "jeans and tennies". I'm quoting. I'm not sure I own "tennies" but my pink Chucks will have to suffice.
I have not been around an IT group this calm in...well...EVER. There are stress times, don't get me wrong. But not like the sweat shops most of me and my IT pals are used to. They don't like you to work OT. If you do, you get COMP TIME! What is THAT about?! I told them, I just finished working for a company that thinks working 40 hrs a week is slacking. Can you imagine? I'm in heaven.
Oh and here's a chuckle: So when I left for the day, I walked up those 8 flights of stairs again. I was dying. As I drove out of the parking lot, I pass a big sign on the wall: "ELEVATOR-->". DOH!!!
So...day one is done. It's a 12 hr day for my boys. That's my only regret. But they'll get used to it and I will make sure the weekends are family time. They're going to let me work 7:30a-4p with a 30 min lunch. I opted for 30 mins in stead of an hour so I could leave and miss the worst of the rush hour and have more time with the kids doing homework and such.
I think this is going to rock. I'll let you know.
Tue, Day 2:
I'm still loving it. I'm being introduced to a gazillion people and only remember about 3. I'm doing a lot of reading and getting overviews from people. Everyone is being extremely generous with their time. Their tools & software are a bit different but similar to what I've used before. So nothing (so far) is making me think I'm out of my element. I just want to do a really good job. This state agency is one of the best. So I want to help by adding to the "cream of the crop" thing.
The funniest adjustment for me today was returning to Windows after a year on a Mac. Outlook is way different since I last used it in...oh...when did we can that? Maybe 2002? But hey, if that's the worst of it, I'll do ok.
All in all - WOO HOO!!!
Thanks to everyone for praying for me. Thanks for all of the encouraging notes on here or in emails. Thanks for the text messages and phone calls today. I did see everyone's texts today but couldn't really justify replying ("Hi, I know it's my first day but let me just reply to my friend..."). And tonight, my bro-in-law and niece just got in so I went from work to day care to my mom & dad's house. Then I got home and tossed the boys in bed. I was in bed before 9pm. But decided to come down and type all of this for those that care for way too many details.
You all rock. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing cheering section!
Monday, Day 1:
Dudes, I hope you appreciate this. I am so friggin' tired. And sore. But very happy. I put down the iPod, got out of bed, fired up the computer and am typing this update because I can't type this much with two fingers.
I woke up at 5:15am. Unless you know me, you really can't appreciate the miracle here. I am not a morning person. I'm not sure who invented mornings. But they were mean and hateful. I got my kids up 50 minutes before they normal get up. And this, after a late (but awesome) night at church.
I dropped the boys off at day care at 6:30am. The boys weren't thrilled about it but they are troopers. They know "mom has a job" trumps "I hate early mornings".
I left the day care around 6:45am which misses the hellish rush hour. I made it downtown by 7:15am. I parked on the 8th floor of a state employee parking lot which I thought had no elevators (this will come to play later).
I got to the orientation conference room at 7:33am - way early. A really cool lady dragged me into her office saying, "Tell me who you are, where you came from and what you're going to be doing here!" She rocked. She must have had like 17 cups of coffee. She was from NYC so we bonded on the north-eastern-chicks-rock thing.
Orientation started at 8am and went to about 11am. We got a quick tour of the building which included some huge room where they were prepping a Christmas party - complete with amazing smelling BBQ!
11:30am - my new boss came to get me for lunch. And proceeds to take me to the afore mentioned really amazing smelling BBQ room. So on my first day, I got to participate in the IT Christmas party. Sweeeeeeeet!
Later, I had to register my car for the free state employee parking (woot!). So I ran up the 8 flights of stairs in the parking lot to get my registration from my car. Well, I ran up about 5 flights and then pretty much dragged myself up the last 3, gasping like the out of shape suburban mom I am.
The rest of the orientation lasted until about 4:00pm. Complete with a video outlining one of the agency's procedures. All my former Big Financial Corporation coworkers will enjoy conjuring visions of all of the "superbly acted" corporate education videos we endured. Seriously, the kids in the Peanuts cartoons can read their lines better than these. It was a hoot. It had this horrid screeching string quartet as the "incidental music". The poor instructor looked like he was going to put knitting needles through his ears. He said he has to listen to that video EVERY Monday. He's a musician and now refuses to play his own violin. HA! Anyway, made me recall many hours of corporate videos over the last 22 years.
I got to see my new...um...office...er...desk...er...converted supply closet ala 'Office Space'. I think tomorrow, I will bring my own stapler and clutch it to my chest all day.
I don't really care. They created a space for me. I share this little supply closet with two other people. The one I met is awesome. I asked her if she was ok with me bringing in my 'Precious Moments' figurines and could she help me figure out where to place them. She laughed hard which gives me great hope.
Also, my new boss is super nice. When I would tell people who I was working for, they'd all go, "Oh he is like the nicest guy!" And apparently knows his stuff. I'm told my new PM is quick thinking, very focused and doesn't like excuses or drama (those last two are his words). I told him I just finished swimming in a shark tank. I can hack it. We'll see if I can still swim.
Everyone I met today seems really nice. I'm sure there are the usual mix of characters and personalities.
The benefits rock. Health, dental, wellness initiatives, optional life and all that stuff. The official state holidays we get off are great. Plus, they just this year started giving "early release" days on a schedule. So you can know that you'll be released after 4 hrs on, say, Dec 23rd. So you can actually PLAN something in stead of being told 3 seconds before it happens. VERY cool.
Clothes are "business casual" but on Fridays, it's "jeans and tennies". I'm quoting. I'm not sure I own "tennies" but my pink Chucks will have to suffice.
I have not been around an IT group this calm in...well...EVER. There are stress times, don't get me wrong. But not like the sweat shops most of me and my IT pals are used to. They don't like you to work OT. If you do, you get COMP TIME! What is THAT about?! I told them, I just finished working for a company that thinks working 40 hrs a week is slacking. Can you imagine? I'm in heaven.
Oh and here's a chuckle: So when I left for the day, I walked up those 8 flights of stairs again. I was dying. As I drove out of the parking lot, I pass a big sign on the wall: "ELEVATOR-->". DOH!!!
So...day one is done. It's a 12 hr day for my boys. That's my only regret. But they'll get used to it and I will make sure the weekends are family time. They're going to let me work 7:30a-4p with a 30 min lunch. I opted for 30 mins in stead of an hour so I could leave and miss the worst of the rush hour and have more time with the kids doing homework and such.
I think this is going to rock. I'll let you know.
Tue, Day 2:
I'm still loving it. I'm being introduced to a gazillion people and only remember about 3. I'm doing a lot of reading and getting overviews from people. Everyone is being extremely generous with their time. Their tools & software are a bit different but similar to what I've used before. So nothing (so far) is making me think I'm out of my element. I just want to do a really good job. This state agency is one of the best. So I want to help by adding to the "cream of the crop" thing.
The funniest adjustment for me today was returning to Windows after a year on a Mac. Outlook is way different since I last used it in...oh...when did we can that? Maybe 2002? But hey, if that's the worst of it, I'll do ok.
All in all - WOO HOO!!!
Thanks to everyone for praying for me. Thanks for all of the encouraging notes on here or in emails. Thanks for the text messages and phone calls today. I did see everyone's texts today but couldn't really justify replying ("Hi, I know it's my first day but let me just reply to my friend..."). And tonight, my bro-in-law and niece just got in so I went from work to day care to my mom & dad's house. Then I got home and tossed the boys in bed. I was in bed before 9pm. But decided to come down and type all of this for those that care for way too many details.
You all rock. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing cheering section!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
A Christmas Miracle for Donnie!
Back in May, I told you guys about a friend of a friend named Donnie. He's my age (so mid-40s) and has lived this long with Cystic Fibrosis. Not many people from my generation with CF made it past 20. So he's a miracle already.
Since May, Donnie's lungs have worsened. The prospect of a transplant happening in Boston was getting more and more bleak. His doctors were suggesting he head to Pittsburgh where they do many more lung transplants. So this was what everyone was gearing up for.
Prayers for Donnie were recently renewed and/or stepped up. I know in my case, I started pestering God hard-core!
This morning, I logged on to Facebook to find an update from my friend Michelle saying Donnie had been called in for a transplant and was in surgery!!! Oh my GOODNESS!!! I mean, seriously, what are the odds?!
Since this morning, his family has posted that he made it through the surgery well. I think he's off a ventilator already which is amazing. He will be in a medically induced coma for a week or so so that his new lungs can adjust.
Here's a picture his mom snapped through the glass. It makes it so real for me and - even with all the machines in there - it is the most beautiful and hopeful image!
Right now, we're all praying big time. He still has recovery and possible rejection to deal with. I have no doubt God kept him alive all this time and will carry him through this!
Michelle also very wisely reminded me that we should pray for the donor family. Here we are all out of our minds excited that Donnie is receiving these miracle lungs right before Christmas. This is wonderful news. But when we pause a minute, we remember that these miracle lungs had to come from someone who died. And right before the holidays.
I hope that donor family knows that their loved one's donation is saving a life and bringing untold joy to his whole family. I'm hoping that maybe all of the other donor's organs are also saving other people.
Such a mix of emotions when you look at the big picture. But it renews my desire to donate any of my viable parts when I pass.
Thank you God.
Since May, Donnie's lungs have worsened. The prospect of a transplant happening in Boston was getting more and more bleak. His doctors were suggesting he head to Pittsburgh where they do many more lung transplants. So this was what everyone was gearing up for.
Prayers for Donnie were recently renewed and/or stepped up. I know in my case, I started pestering God hard-core!
This morning, I logged on to Facebook to find an update from my friend Michelle saying Donnie had been called in for a transplant and was in surgery!!! Oh my GOODNESS!!! I mean, seriously, what are the odds?!
Since this morning, his family has posted that he made it through the surgery well. I think he's off a ventilator already which is amazing. He will be in a medically induced coma for a week or so so that his new lungs can adjust.
Here's a picture his mom snapped through the glass. It makes it so real for me and - even with all the machines in there - it is the most beautiful and hopeful image!Right now, we're all praying big time. He still has recovery and possible rejection to deal with. I have no doubt God kept him alive all this time and will carry him through this!
Michelle also very wisely reminded me that we should pray for the donor family. Here we are all out of our minds excited that Donnie is receiving these miracle lungs right before Christmas. This is wonderful news. But when we pause a minute, we remember that these miracle lungs had to come from someone who died. And right before the holidays.
I hope that donor family knows that their loved one's donation is saving a life and bringing untold joy to his whole family. I'm hoping that maybe all of the other donor's organs are also saving other people.
Such a mix of emotions when you look at the big picture. But it renews my desire to donate any of my viable parts when I pass.
Thank you God.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Focus!
Pokemon Boy is struggling this year. His teachers, counselors and therapists use words like "genius" and "brilliant" when they talk about him. As such, he has coasted through school in years past. He could float into class, listen with half an ear and still get As and Bs.This year, he is in the gifted program for math. He's in 4th grade. And even I (former math major) have trouble understanding his homework. Part of that is that I haven't touched geometry or algebra in over 30 years. But the concepts are hard. They require focus and his full attention.
Pokemon Boy has the ability to comprehend almost anything. But if you can't give something your full attention, you usually will not succeed 100% in that thing. That pretty much applies to life. It certainly applies to advanced math. Pokemon Boy struggles as much with staying focused as most of us struggled with calculus.
For the first time, he is in a class where he will have to listen, work to understand and struggle to get As. This is a painful adjustment for him so far. He has brought home grades that span from the 60s to 100s. Somehow, he made the A/B Honor Roll for the first semester. It has shaken his confidence to the core. He has told me he isn't smart enough to be in the gifted program. He thinks everyone else is coasting and smarter than him. He's embarrassed to tell his teacher that he's not getting everything the first time. It's heart breaking.
In 2006, when Pokemon Boy was first diagnosed with Tourette's, the psychiatrist told me that she had thought ADHD when he first bounced into the room. But after talking with him, she ruled that out and honed in on Tourette's.
His inability to stay focused is rather typical in that he can be obsessively focused on something he loves. If they could figure out how to present algebra in Pokemon terms, he'd be all over it. But if he doesn't totally love something, he is easily distracted. And by easily, I mean, he's usually mentally checked out within seconds.
It's not all defiance or poo-poo-ing subjects he doesn't like. He is more inside his head than anyone I know. He thinks. Way more than a 9 yr old needs to. As he told me recently, every thought leads to a new one. You stare at a wall and think, "I wonder if that's cinder block or cement...I wonder who figured out to make cinder blocks hollow....bricks are solid..." then you're off picturing the brick making scene in The Ten Commandments which leads to thinking about what it must be like to make costumes for Hollywood movies which jumps you over to picturing the big Hollywood sign which leads to you pondering which font those letters are which makes you think of a little alphabet train you had as a kid which makes you think how fun it would be to travel across the country in a train which makes you picture the train scene in White Christmas and how sleeper cars don't look like that any more.
That's just a real-time sample from my head (which tells you I watch too many movies). Pokemon Boy gets like that. I've watched it happen. He glazes over. I always say, "He's just not there." It's not so much that he's tuning out his surroundings. It's more that he's diving so deep into his thoughts, he can't hear the surroundings that are way up there in that fading light of the surface.So the boy's confidence is shaken. Deeply. His teachers see it. I see it. I tell him he's smart enough. I tell him I know he can do it. We discuss techniques to help him focus. We limit screen time. And if this were his only stress, I think it would be easily overcome.
But add onto that his worry over mom not working. What it mom can't find a job? What if we lose the house? What if we have to move? How much of our stuff would we have to sell?
Then toss on to that pile all the worry about his dad. Poor dad. He's lonely. I miss him so he must miss me. I want to go live with dad for a while. But that will upset mom. And I'll miss Lil'Bro.
Et cetera ad nauseum.
Other than praying, I can't think of a thing to do to remove the pile of stress. To build up his confidence. To help him enjoy the advanced classes.
Other than praying. I say that like that's nothing. I know it's something. It's more powerful than any physical thing I could say or do. But this imperfect physical being wants to DO something. I want to take an action to solve my son's problems. I want to jump into my Wonder Woman suit and save his world.
Well, his teacher is going to confer with her colleagues to see if they have suggestions. I will probably make an appointment to get Pokemon Boy reevaluated. It's been a while since he's seen a psychiatrist. I'll work with his teachers, school counselor and play therapist.
And I'll pray.
I will never stop praying.
Friday, October 16, 2009
More Prayers for TJ Please
I just got a text message from TJ. It just said,
"Just readmitted. More critical. Will probably be unavailable for a bit. More prayers please."
There you go, my wonderful praying friends. More prayers, please.
"Just readmitted. More critical. Will probably be unavailable for a bit. More prayers please."
There you go, my wonderful praying friends. More prayers, please.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
TJ is Home!
Just got a call from TJ. She came home from the hospital today. It sounds like all the doctors are in agreement and that she has a rare disease that she picked up from her caving. She didn't have medical terms or names for me. But she said it's rare enough where they'll have to consult with other specialists to determine the course of treatment.
So the good news is, this is not autoimmune or something deadly. She said that news was a God-send. She's home on a bunch of antibiotics and other meds. She still sounds winded but in great spirits. Her Facebook entries still have her crazy humor. So I know she's doing better!
While all of this news gives everyone relief, she is still in rough shape. I just started a cold or some such sinus thing so I can't go near her. GAH! But I can offer to bring her family stuff or to cover her duties as a school volunteer. I just want to go sit on the couch with her, though. Oh well. We said we'll have to settle for sending each other silly text messages and pictures over the phone.
Thank you ALL for your prayers. She knows she has been hugely covered through this. I'm sure that has helped. Continued prayer for her comfort and recovery are welcome. Your collective faith is amazing and I love being able to count on it!
So the good news is, this is not autoimmune or something deadly. She said that news was a God-send. She's home on a bunch of antibiotics and other meds. She still sounds winded but in great spirits. Her Facebook entries still have her crazy humor. So I know she's doing better!
While all of this news gives everyone relief, she is still in rough shape. I just started a cold or some such sinus thing so I can't go near her. GAH! But I can offer to bring her family stuff or to cover her duties as a school volunteer. I just want to go sit on the couch with her, though. Oh well. We said we'll have to settle for sending each other silly text messages and pictures over the phone.
Thank you ALL for your prayers. She knows she has been hugely covered through this. I'm sure that has helped. Continued prayer for her comfort and recovery are welcome. Your collective faith is amazing and I love being able to count on it!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Update on TJ
Over the weekend, TJ was admitted to a local hospital. The pain and discomfort was just becoming too much to handle at home. I've talked to her a few times and her spirits are as up as can be. She has her little NetBook at the hospital and is keeping touch through email and Facebook.
Today, they are going to scope her lungs. Which means a camera down the throat and into the lungs. I have heard this is not a pleasant procedure. I have no idea what time she's having this. She may be done already for all I know.
They are hoping that the scope will give them an idea of what this is. One theory is that she picked up some kind of mold or fungus from some caving she does. Just hard to say at this point.
Thanks for all of the emails and comments for her. I will share them with her once I have a chance. Your prayers are welcome and I thank you guys for your faith and prayers for strangers. You all rock.
4:11pm update:
I called TJ's hospital room and she had just returned from the biopsy. So the scope turned into a biopsy. I don't know much more than that. But hopefully the biopsy will tell them something. She was sore and exhausted (I can't imagine!) but in good spirits.
Today, they are going to scope her lungs. Which means a camera down the throat and into the lungs. I have heard this is not a pleasant procedure. I have no idea what time she's having this. She may be done already for all I know.
They are hoping that the scope will give them an idea of what this is. One theory is that she picked up some kind of mold or fungus from some caving she does. Just hard to say at this point.
Thanks for all of the emails and comments for her. I will share them with her once I have a chance. Your prayers are welcome and I thank you guys for your faith and prayers for strangers. You all rock.
4:11pm update:
I called TJ's hospital room and she had just returned from the biopsy. So the scope turned into a biopsy. I don't know much more than that. But hopefully the biopsy will tell them something. She was sore and exhausted (I can't imagine!) but in good spirits.
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