Waiting Well: Wedding of the Decade

This past Saturday, August 16th, 2014, found me an the now former TheEx remarry.  A friend posted a then-and-now picture of our 1996 wedding kiss with the 2014 kiss.

Obviously I need a new moniker for TheEx. Without getting overly fancy, I'm going with TheMan until I think of something better.

I think our wedding is not only representative of the miracle of reconciliation but also of the support system God set up around me.  Let me show you how:

My wonderful mom went with me to the church to figure out the placement of tables and chairs.  It's not a regular shaped venue.  I just couldn't picture the placement of the 18-20 rectangular tables in the space.  She had a vision and was able to show me.  It worked perfectly.

TheEngineer (hubby to the fabulous C.Beth/C.BethCrochet) showed up and helped set up all of the ginormous tables for me and mom.  On his day off.  He rocks.

The lovely Trish and Gwen flew in to represent my Boston church small group from back in 2005. They stayed with my fabulous mom because I knew the three would instantly bond.  Which they did.  Gwen is also a tiny tornado of assistance.  If you've even thought you might need something done, she somehow senses it and is instantly doing!  They helped mom and me set up and decorate the tables for the wedding. They also came into the bride dressing room and prayed over me.

The fabulous ladies from my small group worked with our friend Calli Cupcake to make and ice 200 cupcakes in three amazing flavors.

A last minute discovery at the church was that my skirt (which had to be hiked up under my armpits because it's made for some statuesque Amazonian) now had front slits up to a very not ok region.  So when I walked, way more was going to show than anyone wanted!  Mom retrieved needle and thread from her car and went to work.  At the same time, my friend Heather ran to the local Walmart to grab some white leggins - just in case! So modesty was restored and I could show off my fancy wedding shoes without making anyone blush!

Our wedding plans were all about simplicity. And not spending money on stuff we would just throw away after the wedding.  I didn't want flowers for that reason.  My cupcake brigade ladies weren't ok with that and all chipped in to get me the most gorgeous bouquet and a boutonniere for TheMan.  They surprised me back in the bridal room! What sweet love from my friends.

The ceremony was performed by our pastor and friend Shayne.  He's been part of our story since we joined this church.  So it was special to have him seal the deal!

Our wonderful boys, TheBoy and LilBro walked me down the aisle to their dad.

They had worked out a little skit when Shayne asked them who gave this woman to be married to this man.  They conferred behind me as to the worthiness of their dad for this honor.  They said things like:
    LilBro: "I don't know...he smells kind of funny!"
    TheBoy:  "Yah, he smells like onions and disappointment!"
and
   LilBro: "I think Liam Neeson would be a better choice..."
The finished by coming forward and TheBoy saying, "I'm sorry to say but we can't..." TheMan interrupted them by stepping forward, pulling a $50 bill from his pocket and asking if that could change their minds.  TheBoy quickly snatched the money and said "Yes!  Yes it does!"  We were all dying!

The afore mentioned TheEngineer stood up with TheMan.  My BigSis stood with me.  The boys flanked us.  At one point, Shayne invited our friends to step up and say something about our relationship.  TheEngineer started.  His vulnerable statements and clear emotion had us all choked up.  He spoke of how something had always made him stand up for and love TheMan - even during the very rough years.  His love of TheMan and never wavering friendship is something I will never forget.  I suspect it is a major reason why TheMan really believed in God's love - seeing it lived out in this friendship.

Then his wife C.Beth was next.  She spoke of our friendship.  She got me when she said the reason so many people love and support me is because I love and support so many people.  I have to remember that because I tend to only thing of my snarky side.

Our worship leader and friend Adam (one half of the supremely talented Stone & Crow) handled the video (soft lights flickering on the 3 video screens), playing our wedding playlist, and cuing up the entrance and exit songs.  It's so generous when a friend who is invited to the wedding volunteers to also work that wedding.  He gave us one more thing to not worry about.

During the ceremony, during the 100+ degree heat, the caterer arrived.  Our friend BBQDave left the fun to go help him lug in the food and drinks.  It was not fun or glamorous work but he volunteered and handled it all.  I love him! When we queued up for the receiving line in front of the catered dinner line, a friend informed us that the caterer had forgotten plates and cups.  Three church friends, PJ, Derek and Kaydean, jumped behind the cafe.  PJ immediately grabbed plates and coffee cups and the three of them got the food line going!  Again - I had dropped the ball on the little detail of getting volunteers to serve.  And my friends just jumped in.  I love them so much!  PJ also later announced to everyone that there was plenty of food and everyone who wanted could have seconds.  Or thirds!!!  A bunch of us took a lot of food home. Yum!

My sweet brother-in-law, TallGuy, had to run to Walmart to grab ice.  Another forgotten detail by either me or the caterer.  I don't really know or care.  But he ran and did it.  Goodness!!

So, only due to the quick thinking and willingness of my family and friends to jump in, we became Mr. and Mrs TheMan.

The Forgiven

What's your unforgivable sin? I mean, the one that you could never forgive. I can think of a few that would test my ability to survive.  Most of which I've asked God to never let me be tested in that way.

In 2007, I encountered one at the top of my short-sighted limited list and called a lawyer.  A year later, I stood in front of a judge as he signed my divorce papers.  I stood with the same deer in the headlights look as about 10 other people sitting there waiting their turn.

The majority of my divorce survival, I prayed for different things. Mostly, "God, help me get through this moment, hour, day."  But often I asked him to please put true forgiveness in my heart.  I knew it wouldn't happen solely by my own efforts.  Back then, if you Googled "Hell Hath No Fury", I would swear you'd have found my picture.

God kept me . . . sane, I guess.  When I wasn't attempting to control my fate, he generally kept me from hatred.  He was also good enough to allow me the ugly feelings.  But he didn't let me settle there.

God sent my parents here.  He put me in a very unique neighborhood full of friends that helped (and still do).  Often times, unasked.  He gave me the perfect church of patient people able to nurture me while I remained encapsulated in my pain and struggle, often unable to comprehend that anyone else could be hurting as badly as I was or hurting at all.

During the whole time, God worked on The Ex, too.  Quite frequently, he let me witness it.

In 2010, The Ex returned to my state and town. An answer to many prayers of two awesome boys.  And to many of my own.  But it was hard.  It renewed my pain, anger, resentment and need to see him punished.

He returned to various levels of disdain - not just from me but from those in my world that had stood by me.  His own struggle with guilt and shame was made heavier by the judgment of those that loved me.

God sent some of His True People to The Ex.  My pastors, my music director & his wife, and a couple of other folks from my church.  Many of my friends took their lead from me and allowed themselves to be friendly to him.  Many were surprised to find he wasn't a horrible person.

It has taken almost three years in close proximity but God is rocking real forgiveness.  My parents treat The Ex like family now.  My BigSis and her TallGuy would have been first in line to kick his ass back in the early days of the horror show.  And now they accept him as family, too.  That is some grace right there, I tell yah.

You will be shocked and dismayed to hear that I am not perfect.  Nay, it is so.  Most days, I feel like I have completely forgiven The Ex and can be perfectly strong in our friendship.  We laugh a lot.  We watch TV with the boys a lot.  We eat out a lot.  I mean, he was my best friend for 17 years.  Losing that was awful.  God restoring our friendship is just one in a huge thread of miracles in this story.

My imperfection comes in the fragility of my resolve.  I am easily undone by events that remind me of the wrong done me.  I am easily undone by the enemy reminding me of things The Ex did back when we were dissolving.  I am easily undone by any tiny misstep he takes in our friendship.

Over and over these last few years, God keeps reminding me "There IS no unforgivable sin." Not with God.  Humans, sure.  We have our limits.  But even those can be overcome if we ask God to help us.  So I keep asking God to help me forget.  Wipe the bad memories from my brain.  When they come, I tell the enemy to piss off.  Then I box up the memory or emotion, put it down and ask God to take it.  Then I ask him to help me move on without it.  To help me make NEW memories with my friend, The Ex.

Since the holidays - when I had a major Hell Hath No Fury meltdown with The Ex - we have turned a major corner.  We communicate more regularly.  If something is eating at me and I can't make it leave, I tell The Ex.  And he will talk to me.  Sometimes, he lets me cry or vent or just explain how frustrated I am.  I keep thinking each of these episodes will chase him off again.  He has told me that will never happen again.

We are working with God, our church, and counselors to clear the mess between us.  We don't have to FIX all the problems that were there right this minute.  But we are both committed to get them out in the open, identify them, work at making sure we don't repeat it.  How could we ever move on to new relationships if we can't do that?

My point to this whole blathering mess is this: There IS no unforgivable sin.  For me as a human, there are offenses that could take me a lifetime to forgive.  But The Ex has a blank slate from God.  I get a re-do from God all the time.  I want to give The Ex the same blank slate that God already gave him.  And that God repeatedly gives me.

It doesn't really matter what he or I did to break our marriage and get it to the point where we canned it.

What matters is my God came down and suffered all the trappings of humanity - including torture and murder - to allow me my blank slate and freedom from the slavery of a crazy litany of rules.  The least I can do is forgive someone for being imperfect and allow him to be the wonderful guy I met back in the late 80's and shared my life with for 17 years.  And I thank God that he's given The Ex an extra helping of patience to deal with my imperfect humanity while I ride the roller coaster of forgiveness.

A Halloween Eve Rehydration at the ER

Lil'Bro wasn't able to hold down ANYthing yesterday. Not water, not Pedialyte. They called in a scrip of anti-nausea meds. It helped him drink sips of water all night. But then he threw up again early this morning.

After a call to his doctor's office, we took him into the ER for fluids. Two and a half hours of fluids later, he was a new kid. I have read the symptoms of dehydration but never saw them all before. The lethargy was pretty palpable. Very weird to see your usually energetic 6 1/2 year old not respond to anything. He didn't want TV. He didn't want his DS. He didn't want to move.

We got home from the ER and he immediately fell asleep on the couch. For THREE hours. I got an hour of sleep in.

Oh yah, my BigSis and her TallGuy hubby drove 30 minutes up here to get BigBro. They took BigBro to our church Fall Festival. Another church friend will bring him home.

Yesterday, I put out a "help" email to the women at my church asking them to get the food for church. Two women immediately took up the task for me. One of our lead pastors will sing in my stead. A couple of people have offered to come pick up BigBro for church tomorrow. My mom just dropped off a bunch of bananas and some frozen dinners. Tons of my local pals have sent offers over Facebook asking if they can do anything for us. And they mean it. My distant pals also sent prayers and love through Facebook, emails and texts.

I have to tell you, when you ask God to surround you with good loving people? He totally comes through. I cannot thank God enough for all of the awesome friends and family he has surrounded us with.

And Lil'Bro woke up about 30 minutes ago. He has held down water, half a banana and a little cup of applesauce. He keeps talking about the mini cheeseburgers at a local burger joint. I have to think he's on the mend.

Thanks to all my loving friends and family.

For reference, here are two pictures.
Just having arrived at the ER
and 2.5 hrs later.

Hey Uncle Jim, Save a Place For Me

A couple of hours after posting that last post, my mom called and told me Uncle Jim had passed away that night.

He had a very pleasant last day and was able to say goodbye to almost all his family on the phone or in person. He died surrounded by family. That evening, my cousin posted the following on his CaringBridge journal:

Our Papaw has left this world for a better place. He died surrounded by his family and friends. We thank you for your love and support of our Dad/Papaw. We know that he is going to walk the streets of gold and hang out with Mindy and Jesus. (Mindy was his special dog that loved him as much as we did. ) Thank you Jesus for letting us have such a great Papaw. We love you! [signed the family] CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am encouraged today hearing the plans of all the extended family to get there to love on each other. I think Jim will be happy we will all finally be in one spot together. It's been a long time coming.

All the emails, Facebook posts, texts and phone calls have been so wonderful. My family is very lucky to be covered in so much prayer and love from strangers all over the world.

Easter 2010: My Uncle Jim & Aunt Lucy (center) surrounded by their 4 kids and their families:

The New Job (A Day Late)

This should have been posted yesterday. But it was crazy and exhausting so I'm posting it today. I'm also cheating by cutting and pasting what I put on Facebook. Sue me.

Monday, Day 1:
Dudes, I hope you appreciate this. I am so friggin' tired. And sore. But very happy. I put down the iPod, got out of bed, fired up the computer and am typing this update because I can't type this much with two fingers.

I woke up at 5:15am. Unless you know me, you really can't appreciate the miracle here. I am not a morning person. I'm not sure who invented mornings. But they were mean and hateful. I got my kids up 50 minutes before they normal get up. And this, after a late (but awesome) night at church.

I dropped the boys off at day care at 6:30am. The boys weren't thrilled about it but they are troopers. They know "mom has a job" trumps "I hate early mornings".

I left the day care around 6:45am which misses the hellish rush hour. I made it downtown by 7:15am. I parked on the 8th floor of a state employee parking lot which I thought had no elevators (this will come to play later).

I got to the orientation conference room at 7:33am - way early. A really cool lady dragged me into her office saying, "Tell me who you are, where you came from and what you're going to be doing here!" She rocked. She must have had like 17 cups of coffee. She was from NYC so we bonded on the north-eastern-chicks-rock thing.

Orientation started at 8am and went to about 11am. We got a quick tour of the building which included some huge room where they were prepping a Christmas party - complete with amazing smelling BBQ!

11:30am - my new boss came to get me for lunch. And proceeds to take me to the afore mentioned really amazing smelling BBQ room. So on my first day, I got to participate in the IT Christmas party. Sweeeeeeeet!

Later, I had to register my car for the free state employee parking (woot!). So I ran up the 8 flights of stairs in the parking lot to get my registration from my car. Well, I ran up about 5 flights and then pretty much dragged myself up the last 3, gasping like the out of shape suburban mom I am.

The rest of the orientation lasted until about 4:00pm. Complete with a video outlining one of the agency's procedures. All my former Big Financial Corporation coworkers will enjoy conjuring visions of all of the "superbly acted" corporate education videos we endured. Seriously, the kids in the Peanuts cartoons can read their lines better than these. It was a hoot. It had this horrid screeching string quartet as the "incidental music". The poor instructor looked like he was going to put knitting needles through his ears. He said he has to listen to that video EVERY Monday. He's a musician and now refuses to play his own violin. HA! Anyway, made me recall many hours of corporate videos over the last 22 years.

I got to see my new...um...office...er...desk...er...converted supply closet ala 'Office Space'. I think tomorrow, I will bring my own stapler and clutch it to my chest all day.

I don't really care. They created a space for me. I share this little supply closet with two other people. The one I met is awesome. I asked her if she was ok with me bringing in my 'Precious Moments' figurines and could she help me figure out where to place them. She laughed hard which gives me great hope.

Also, my new boss is super nice. When I would tell people who I was working for, they'd all go, "Oh he is like the nicest guy!" And apparently knows his stuff. I'm told my new PM is quick thinking, very focused and doesn't like excuses or drama (those last two are his words). I told him I just finished swimming in a shark tank. I can hack it. We'll see if I can still swim.

Everyone I met today seems really nice. I'm sure there are the usual mix of characters and personalities.

The benefits rock. Health, dental, wellness initiatives, optional life and all that stuff. The official state holidays we get off are great. Plus, they just this year started giving "early release" days on a schedule. So you can know that you'll be released after 4 hrs on, say, Dec 23rd. So you can actually PLAN something in stead of being told 3 seconds before it happens. VERY cool.

Clothes are "business casual" but on Fridays, it's "jeans and tennies". I'm quoting. I'm not sure I own "tennies" but my pink Chucks will have to suffice.

I have not been around an IT group this calm in...well...EVER. There are stress times, don't get me wrong. But not like the sweat shops most of me and my IT pals are used to. They don't like you to work OT. If you do, you get COMP TIME! What is THAT about?! I told them, I just finished working for a company that thinks working 40 hrs a week is slacking. Can you imagine? I'm in heaven.

Oh and here's a chuckle: So when I left for the day, I walked up those 8 flights of stairs again. I was dying. As I drove out of the parking lot, I pass a big sign on the wall: "ELEVATOR-->". DOH!!!

So...day one is done. It's a 12 hr day for my boys. That's my only regret. But they'll get used to it and I will make sure the weekends are family time. They're going to let me work 7:30a-4p with a 30 min lunch. I opted for 30 mins in stead of an hour so I could leave and miss the worst of the rush hour and have more time with the kids doing homework and such.

I think this is going to rock. I'll let you know.


Tue, Day 2:
I'm still loving it. I'm being introduced to a gazillion people and only remember about 3. I'm doing a lot of reading and getting overviews from people. Everyone is being extremely generous with their time. Their tools & software are a bit different but similar to what I've used before. So nothing (so far) is making me think I'm out of my element. I just want to do a really good job. This state agency is one of the best. So I want to help by adding to the "cream of the crop" thing.

The funniest adjustment for me today was returning to Windows after a year on a Mac. Outlook is way different since I last used it in...oh...when did we can that? Maybe 2002? But hey, if that's the worst of it, I'll do ok.

All in all - WOO HOO!!!


Thanks to everyone for praying for me. Thanks for all of the encouraging notes on here or in emails. Thanks for the text messages and phone calls today. I did see everyone's texts today but couldn't really justify replying ("Hi, I know it's my first day but let me just reply to my friend..."). And tonight, my bro-in-law and niece just got in so I went from work to day care to my mom & dad's house. Then I got home and tossed the boys in bed. I was in bed before 9pm. But decided to come down and type all of this for those that care for way too many details.

You all rock. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing cheering section!

Happy Birthday-Eve to Lil' Bro

Tomorrow, Lil' Bro will turn five.  Tomorrow, Lil' Bro will also visit the doctor.  Tomorrow, Lil' Bro and Pokemon Boy are both hoping to go to a local inflatable place to bounce themselves silly.  I think that will depend on the whole doctor visit.

Lil' Bro has had a nasty little cough for a few weeks.  We live in an area famous for its live music and its allergies.  Before moving here, I had heard of the latter but chalked it up to a large community of hypochondriacs.  Apparently I was wrong.  There is a unusually high concentration of varying allergens in this area that you either acclimate to or suffer with.  Pokemon Boy has acclimated.  I'm hoping Lil' Bro is on his way to the same.

Either way, this go 'round, he is losing the congestion battle in the bronchial region.  And now that there is a fever and general blyecky feeling, off to the doctor we go.

I have no doubt he will eventually rally.  We may have to put off bouncing ourselves silly.  But there WILL be presents opened.  And there WILL be a Batman cake consumed.

And tomorrow, I will have a five year old.  A sweet, adorable, loving five year old.  One that adores his older brother so much that he was willing to order his entire cake in vanilla in stead of chocolate.  When I asked him if he was sure about that, he told the lady at the bakery, "Well, my brother doesn't like chocolate."  And chocolate was pronounced "chock-o-lit."  He will surrender his Burger King crown along with the title of King to his older brother to keep him happy.  If he suggests a game and big brother says no?  He rolls with it and asks, "Well, what do YOU want to play?" and then plays whatever big brother comes up with.

He can be silly with the best of us silly gened people.  He can be as shy as his great grandmother was.  He is rough and tumble but doesn't like to see anyone get hurt.  He is fascinated with how all things are put together or how they work.  This explains his obsession with Transformers as well as documentaries on how the brain works or how fetuses develop.  He will come out of his shy shell at interesting times to sing the entire song of Rudolf for my friend and me at church in the middle of our conversation.  We stopped to listen because we knew we were being treated to a rare treat.  He has a very soft spot for his grandpa (my dad).  He never lets you forget the 2nd person in a couple during conversation.  If you mention one, he'll pipe up to chime in the other name just to make sure they're not forgotten.  He loves kitties.  He's starting to like dogs.  The smaller the better.  Like his older brother, he adores babies.  He has not yet learned to think of girls as "gross" or "the enemy".  He's still small enough to carry.  He still lets me kiss him in public.  He frequently makes me pray to ask God to "stop the bombs, protect the babies, protect the children and protect the mommies and daddies" in war-torn countries.  He doesn't think Christmas decorations are all for his birthday.  And I was so proud when he insisted we needed to put up our tree, not so Santa could put presents under it but "for Jesus' birthday."

I remember being pregnant with him, worrying that I would never be able to love another baby like I loved Pokemon Boy.  Everyone with more than one kid assured me it would happen.  But I knew it was impossible.  Which is just one of the cool things about God.  With him?  All things are possible.  And the way he has given parents the ability to fall so madly in love with more than one kid.  I still find that amazing.

I am seriously the luckiest mom...that lives in my house.  There.  Now you other moms can't yell at me.

Thank you God for giving me such wonderful boys.  Thank you for Lil' Bro's birthday tomorrow.  Thank you thank you THANK you, God.

Lil' Bro ponders the tree.

Pokemon Boy near the tree.

Thanksgiving, Derailing, and Rerailing

Thanksgiving:
My thanksgiving could have been very weird this year. It was my first thanksgiving without my future ex since 1991. I was worried I'd be mopey. No way. I had a rockin' thanksgiving!

I made brisket, turkey breast and ham. I had potatoes, carrots & onions in the crock pot w/ the brisket so those were awesome. My gravies were home made from the drippings and they were spot ON, man. I made pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, and 2 chocolate chess pies. Mom brought the green jello salad (yum!) and sweet potato casserole. Big Sis brought the green bean casserole, rolls & other breads. I made stuffing and some carrots in butter & brown sugar. Seriously, we could have fed all of you guys along with us. I had my parents, my sis & her hubby, my boys and two neighbors. It was so relaxed and totally mellow. I didn't have any stress of trying to be Martha Stewart. When you come to my house for a meal, you can expect awesome food and my house in whatever state it happens to be in at the time. Stress free holidays are what I'm all about.

I was so happy to be able to host this holiday. And to have the means to buy the food. To have the house in which to host everyone. To have friends and family that actually wanted to come. It was just FUN. I don't think there was any stress anywhere to be found. It rocked!

Derailing:
So, after thanksgiving, I had a wonderful Friday off with my boys. Just puttering and doing whatever came to mind whenever we thought of it. Another very relaxed day. I LOVE being around my boys. They are just silly and fun and make me stupid amounts of happy.

On Saturday, I think, Lil' Bro innocently said something that rather derailed me from my "I'm so strong and can handle anything" mood. He has been sick since the holiday - not too horrible but fevery and GI trouble from both ends. At one point, he was coughing and I said, "You ok, bud?" He looked very serious and said, "I dying, mommy," to which I replied, "Oh NO!" He quickly assured me, "I just kidding - I'm not dying." I told him, "Oh good because I would be SO sad. I would just cry and cry." Then he said, "If daddy died...[girl thing] would be sad." I was just like...um...ok...what do I say here? So I said, "Yes. We'd all be sad." Lil' Bro said, "No, daddy doesn't love you any more. He loves [girl thing]. [Girl thing] would be sad."

Now, I have to tell you, I get that he's just stating things as he sees them. I get that. But the reality of it was like a knife to the heart. It was just such a succinct statement of how things are and it's a subject that is very hard to think about - let alone hear it stated so matter-of-factly by your almost-4-yr old.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with at this moment is how I have been unceremoniously dethroned from my place of honor. I was figuratively ripped from my throne and thrown to the ground. As I lay there going, "OW! That hurt!" future ex was stepping on me in order to place his new queen up on MY throne - with MY scepter and crown! While my children watched. And everyone else, for that matter. That's rather how it feels. It is amazingly hard for me to have gone from beloved partner, wife & mother - the place of honor for 16 years - to suddenly being the annoying other woman. That instant shift that took place at the hands of future ex just blows my mind no matter how I try to reconcile it in my mind.

So to have my wee man just make that statement...it was more than I could handle. It did derail me for a couple of days. I can't really say I hit depression. But I had that sick pit in my stomach for a couple of days. I was sad and grumpy. I was mad. And I had to wrestle with those awful feelings of vengeance again.

The only good thing about times like these is that it forces me to turn to God. I wish I had posted about this during my bad feelings. Because when I post after I've wrestled with it and God has helped heal my heart? Well, it seems so...easy. I wish I was able to post all my hurt and anger and ugly side. I just feel like writing about it after God has picked me up makes me seem much more heroic than I am. I mean, I was MAD. I was angry. I felt VERY sorry for myself. I wasn't thinking pretty nice Christian thoughts. I had to turn it all over to God - which I didn't want to do. Just sometimes, I want to be mean. I wish I could say all of those things that run through my head to future ex. I wish I could be ugly - trying to hurt him as much as he's hurt me. But I wouldn't be able to. It would just backfire on me. Or it would make me feel like an ass. So I begrudgingly turn over all my negative feelings to God. And he takes them.

But that was a bit disconcerting to wrestle with. Guh.

Rerailing:
During those derailed times, it always feels like it will never end. It will always be like this. I start to wonder if I will ever fully recover from the dissolution of my marriage. I have no idea why I always let myself lean toward that thinking. Because God ALWAYS comes through.

I had kept all of this yicky stuff to myself. I feel like I have been a needy mess for 11 months. My friends and family must be SO sick of hearing about my pain. I mean, I'M sick of hearing and thinking about my divorce. So I can't imagine how my support system must feel. So I kept it to myself. And for my personality? That's poison.

At church on Sunday, I didn't sing. Which always bums me out a bit. It's rather become a piece of my survival. I love singing. It's cathartic for me. So I didn't sing and sat out in the congregation. But that actually seemed nice. I got to sit with my family for once. I sat there just behind Lil' Bro. And during worship, one of my friends came over and said, "I think [Lil' Bro] threw up." Lil' Bro was just sitting there all dum-dee-dum-dee-dum. But sure enough, there was a puddle of puke under his chair. So this wonderful friend sent me off to clean up Lil' Bro while he cleaned my son's puke. How awesome is that?

The sermon rocked - as usual. The fellowship with my friends was amazing. The kids at church just lifted my spirits. It was awesome.

Yesterday, one of my best friends at church - the music director's wife - she emailed me to see how I've been. She hadn't really heard much from me lately and wanted to check in. How cool is that? I told her how I was thinking people might be sick of hearing about my troubles and she poo-poo'd that for the nonsense it is. So I told her all about my derailing and how I wrestle with loneliness. And how the feelings can all come back and how I just want to be in love again, etc. At one point, I think I wrote "Did a lot of praying last night. Poor God. I don't know how he stands it." Her reply to that just totally made me laugh out loud. She wrote back, "Yeah, I bet the God who had to figure out how to create the world is totally overwhelmed by all your prayers. Maybe you should let up a bit." Hahahaha! I love friends that can just totally smack you upside the head in such a sweet and funny way.

And then tonight, I chatted with my wonderful sweet friend in Boston. I've mentioned him before. He's one of the few men I have leaned on during this - he's part of my safety zone. I was telling him how I'm just so sick of this up and down crap. I'm just ready to be 100% strong and OVER this whole thing. He's going through his own post-break-up so he gets it. He nailed it on the head when he said it's like two steps forward and one step back. But the two steps forward feel SO good. You feel so happy and so strong. And so when you hit that one step back, it just hurts all that much more because you thought things were getting so much better.

God has surrounded me with such wonderful people. I really wonder how people survive life without support. Thank you, God. Thank you for sending your people to be your loving arms, your shoulder to cry on, your ears, your words, your love. Bless them all, God. Because they are honoring you so well. Amen.

Thankfulosity - A Wee Bit Late

I meant to post a thankful entry before Thanksgiving. Alas, I was too busy trying to reacquaint my house with cleaning. So here are some random things for which I am thankful (not bad grammar for a math major & college drop-out, eh?):

GOD -
No, I'm not trying to win brownie points for judgement day here. I'm thinking that God is number one here because he has carried my sorry butt through 2007. This is a year that could have broken me. The dissolution of my marriage was almost my undoing. But God positioned me in the right neighborhood, in the right town, in the right church. He surrounded me with people who have already walked this path and could really empathize and advise. He showed me the true meaning of "Abba, father!" He broke down all the walls I had kept up - even with him. As I've posted before, he stood with me - neck deep in the cess pool. He never once left me. He never once let go of my hand. He never once gave me reason to believe he wouldn't get me through it. He conquered all of my doubt, my self-loathing, my feelings of vengeance, the pain of betrayal, my loneliness, my anger, my pain, my fear. All of the people who have walked this path before have told me that I am on the fast track - God is fast forwarding me through the worst of it. And that is very specific answer to a very specific prayer for exactly that. God has answered so many of my prayers this year in very tangible ways. And in some very shocking timing. Which makes me anticipate with a real excitement all of the ones as yet unanswered.

Mom & Dad -
I honestly do not know how I would have survived those first 7 weeks if my mom & dad hadn't put their lives on hold to come rescue me. Mom flew out here and lived with me for 7 weeks. She basically stepped in and carried my household and kids while I barely functioned in a zombie-like state. Dad sacrificed having his wife with him for 7 weeks. At the end of this time period, he drove all the way from Florida up to Virginia - ALONE - to start getting the VA house ready to sell. I'll toss in another praise to God here in that he found a buyer for their house in the 11th hour - when the market was worse than soft. My parents pulled up stakes and bought a house in my development - basically in order to rescue me. And I am so incredibly grateful to them for that. It has been a miraculous blessing to me. It has terrified me at times. Someone pulls up their whole life and moves to your area to rescue you? That's a big responsibility. I feel like, if I do one thing wrong, they'll regret their decision. I told that to my mom and she just laughed. Because she is mom. And moms don't just walk away from their kids - sacrificial move or not. Mom & Dad rock.

Big Sis & Her Ridiculously Tall Husband -
Big Sis has always been my ice breaker in life. She has always done everything first. She has gone ahead, cutting a path through the jungle with her machete. Then I just traipse right in all la-dee-da - so easy because she did all the prep work for me. She is the main reason I chose this part of the country back in 2005. And I am so thankful to live near her. She is the most amazing, generous & devoted aunt to my boys. And Her Ridiculously Tall Husband is the most patient, present and giving uncle I've ever seen. That man will play Hi-Ho Cherry-O, Candyland, trains and some made up Pokemon games with my boys until they pass out. My boys adore Big Sis and The Tall Dude. I do, too. They are also fiercely protective of me. That kind of unconditional love and support has been invaluable to me through my whole life. But this year, especially.

My Coworkers & Having a Job -
I've posted before about how awesome my coworkers are. I don't know what I would have done without them this year. I can see how major life disasters can derail you enough where you could lose your job. Because of my wonderfully supportive coworkers and managers, I still have my job. So I'm thankful for every single one of them. And I am hugely thankful that I have a good job. Especially being a newly single mom. I am one of the rare mothers that will be financially stable after her divorce. And not because of some settlement. But because God has blessed me with a good stable job.

My KIDS -
Their position in this list obviously means diddly. They were almost first but God really had a lock on that position. HA! They are both strong, healthy, intelligent, loving, sweet, ornery, contrary, joy-filled and oh so cute. On Thanksgiving morning, I awoke to have Lil' Bro standing at my bedside asking to cuddle. So I pulled him into bed. Then The Boy asked if he could get in, too. So at one point, I was laying under my big comforter with Lil' Bro and his stuffed dog on one side and The Boy on the other. They both kept snuggling closer and closer. I remember thinking, "Yah, THIS is how Thanksgiving should be started!!!" Pure heaven. They are the most amazing joy in my life. They teach me so much. They make me laugh. They hold me accountable in that brutally honest way young kids have. Every night, I thank God for them. And my words of thanks just sound so puny compared to the huge amounts of love I have for them. Sometimes I think of how I adore my kids to the point of bursting. Then I try to wrap my head around the fact that God loves each and every single person on this planet even MORE passionately than that. I really can't grasp that. I try. But just can't. Man oh man. I am so ridiculously blessed with those two gorgeous little men.

A Strange Kind of Freedom -
This is a weird one. I don't mean to sound morbid or trite here. But I have realized a certain level of freedom lately. I am free to be me and make choices based on what I want or what my boys want. That's a weird thing when you're used to considering someone else's feelings for 16 years. I bought a whole bunch of Christian CDs recently and felt so happy doing it. I was never stopped from doing that before. Not directly. But I always felt it would elicit a certain amount of covert eye-rolling from the future ex. But I bought a bunch and played them all as soon as they got here. And didn't worry about keeping the volume low. It was pretty cool. As I made my way through the new Super Target here today, I realized the same thing about buying items for the house. I could buy what I liked. I bought a few things today that were completely MY choices. I know it sounds silly. But it was very interesting to just satisfy my desires today. I told my sister that I won't want to date again because then I'll have to go back to caring about someone else's opinion. HA! But mostly, I have the freedom to follow God all I want. And I feel like I have invited God to reign in this house. And he stays. He doesn't have to leave and then be invited back. He is king of this house. And he knows he is welcome and wanted by everyone in it. I think that's a really cool thing. And on a lighter note - let me tell you, having a big bed and bathroom all to yourself? Yah, I have gotten quite used to that. Like I told Big Sis today, I'm going to be hard pressed to share with someone else some day. Hahahaha!

Food and Other Necessities -
You know, I listened to this food drive on KLOVE this past week. They were asking people to donate to shelters - a very small amount of money would feed like 20 people for Thanksgiving. And they were interviewing people who had recovered their lives from homelessness, drug addiction, etc. Each of them had started their return journey with a meal at a shelter. I was so blown away by a lot of their stories. And here I am, a newly single mom - able to buy a brisket, turkey breast and ham from Whole Foods - not just some generic items from my local grocer. It still boggles my mind that - in this country of plenty - there are homeless people. And I'm not just talking about the self destructive people who don't want to do honest work for honest wages. God has blessed me incredibly with a beautiful house, plenty of clothes, more than enough toys for my kids, all sorts of extras. I always have food on my shelves (no matter how many times I poke around the kitchen thinking, "There's nothing to eat!"). I do NOT take it for granted. I totally understand how blessed I am. And how fragile this life is. How easily that could end with one natural disaster, one act of war, one lost job, one anything.

Friends -
A long time ago, when I was a bouncer in that night club back in Boston (so this was back in the early 90s), I asked God for something very specific. I had a relationship with God. I talked to him ALL the time. I prayed even while in that club. I often prayed for him to help when things got ugly there. But I didn't trust people who claimed to follow him. Christians had failed me. They had shown their ugly side. They had shown they were full of crap. They were hypocritical, selfish, judgemental idiots. Just like me. I didn't need that in my life. I trusted God. And he is all I needed. But I really wanted to find other people like me. Other people that loved God and believed in him. I wanted to find people that I could relate to, that were fun, that enjoyed the same things in life as I did. I had begun to believe that it was impossible to find God-people that could be loving, truly patient, fun, interesting, cool, intelligent. So I prayed quite often - and over a couple of years - that God would surround me with his people. I believe my prayer went something like, "God, please send me your people. Your real people." And when I said it, I meant the people who really tried to follow God's word and way. The ones who weren't perfect and could admit it, but tried really hard to follow God. They weren't judgemental - or if they were, they tried hard to overcome it. They were real and loving and fallible. In my mind, I have always called them God-people. I'm sure you all have examples in your life of people who really represent God or what Jesus taught us. There is something different about them. But that's what I wanted in my life. I asked God to bring them into my life - surround me with his people. And he'd have to bring them into my life. I certainly wasn't going to go join some church! And God did it. In very specific ways where I knew these people were from God. The first one was the guy who played Jesus in our production of Jesus Christ Superstar. He was a rather well-known rock singer - huge in Japan and pretty big in the US. I pre-pegged him as an ego maniacal jerk. Because I'm a God-person and love to do snap judgements on people I know nothing about. He turned out to be one of the most sincere and humble people I know. We both joined the cast with the caveat that we would pull out of the production if we thought it was becoming irreverent. I found that out about him much later. We both slowly realized that we both really loved God and this play was much more than just some off-off-off-Broadway thing. That was the first God-person that God put in my path after that prayer. Since then, he has put them in my work place, my apartment buildings, they've owned diners I've frequented, he's put them in my blog walk (IE - many of you), he has made them one-time random encounters with strangers, he has filled a church in Cambridge and Austin with them, he sprinkled them all through my new neighborhood. It just blows my mind how he has never stopped fulfilling that request. And I hope he never does. I now make that same prayer for my two boys. And believe it or not, I have prayed that same thing for the future ex. Before all of this divorce stuff and since. It is one of the best tools God has - his true people. You start meeting enough of them and it can undo many years of cynicism and mistrust.

I'm Actually Thankful -
I could go on and on for things I'm thankful for. Isn't that amazing? I mean, when I think of the year I've had, I realize how easy it would be for me to just wallow in the self-pity. How easy would it be for me to just lean on the anger and become that bitter griping harpy? So when I spent this past week all excited and really thankful, filled with joy and happiness...I realized that God is walking me through this mess. He has lifted me up out of the cess pool. The big deep ugly cess pool is behind me now. I'm not quite out of the woods yet. But at least I'm out of that cess pool. And God is still walking next to me. Never leaving. His hand is still outstretched - ready to catch me. He has turned my heart so that I spend most of my time feeling joy - that anticipation of the ultimate good that I know he has for me. I think that's a miracle right there - the fact that I'm able to be thankful.

Thank you God. You rock. I love you.

Awesome Blogger Chicks RULE!

I have to tell you, I'm sitting here typing this while on the phone, listening to the fabulous Jane tell me a story about how she recently connected with Trish through this bloggy world. We've just been talking about how we've made these intense deep connections with people we've never met...through a blog!

We've both found such amazing support through all of our Awesome Blogger Chicks. I find it so funny that God has used this cyber journal community to minister to me.

I was just telling Jane about how when I mention MySpace or "blogging" to people, very often I am met with disgusted responses. I think a lot of people know nothing about online communities. They only know MySpace because of some article on 20/20 about underage girls getting phished by 45 yr old truckers. When they hear "blog", they think of what a dorky term that is for crazy loners who just want to journal a bunch of lies to impress people they don't know.

Online communities are a tool like any other. Any tool can be used or abused. And in the right hands, it turns into a wonderful community like this one.

I think of Wanda sending me a print of her water color to hang in an empty space left by the departing future ex. I think of Jane who will meet me for the first time in Boston in a couple of months (and we're planning other trips already for 2008!!). I think of all of you who have shared your own divorce stories with me - you have NO idea how much hope you have instilled in me. I can't wait until my next trip to California to see my birth-mom. I'm gonna drag her up to visit Darlene, Angela & Wanda! I love all of the wonderfully creative, hysterical women I've met here - like Sarakastic, Beck, JenKneeBee, Ellesappelle, Stacy. And the connection to established friends (Kristen) and family (cousins Kendra & Monica and their mom Brenda) is icing on the cake.

I know there are still some friends & family who think I'm just making weird connections with a bunch of cyber stalkers. But I am truly amazed and thankful for the real friendships I'm making and maintaining here. The lifeline this place provided for me during the first few months of my divorce...I cannot tell you how that helped. When I couldn't stand to show my face in public around my home, you guys were a loving supportive haven. I could come to you, tear-stained and puffy. I could have eyes flaming red and snot pouring from my nose and you guys didn't care. Well, ok, granted you didn't know, either. But still. It was my safety zone of unconditional love.

And how totally random is it that so many of you are - what I call - "God people". Honestly, I didn't really start out as a strictly Christian blog site. I was open with both my faith and my fallibility (is that a word?). But I wasn't out strictly to find Christians or God people. But here you all are. Now tell me God doesn't use blogs to unite people!

Jane and I finally hung up - giddy with our plans of travel and becoming strong independent single women through God just in time for him to plop the perfect man in our laps. I suppose I should go to bed. Just had to tell you all good night and I love you.

Smooches...

YAH, Boyeeeeeeee!

So check THIS out.

In 2006, I was wearing sizes 16 & 18, depending on the day or clothes. I'm 5' 3". That's pretty big even for someone who wears weight as well as I do. I'm a big boned little hobbit. But even so, I was too big and didn't feel good.

In March 2007, when I had shingles, the doc weighed me in at 198 lbs. Which was disheartening because I had trouble eating due to the shingles being in my mouth. So I thought for SURE I had lost some weight. If I had, that means I was probably topping 200. Nice. Very nice.

Fast forward to after the future ex leaves and mom is here trying to force feed me teensy amounts of food. So in May or June of 2007, I weighed in around 175. Not bad. I got really excited and thought, well, if I have to go through the hell of divorce, I better get SOMETHING out of the deal, eh? I had bought some size 14 pants and had to squeeze them on. But hey, it was still a smaller size.

Well, since my return from Boston a couple of weeks ago, I decided to actually make an effort to lose some size. I mean, the Divorce Diet is powerful and all but eventually the depression lifts and you start back to your old bad habits again. Who needs that?

I have been doing very small manageable things like:

• eating smaller portions - amazing how huge the portions are at my favorite restaurants. Amazing how much money I have saved by bringing home half and having that later for a meal.
• cutting out soda or limiting it to a once-in-a-blue-moon thing. I can't stand diet soda. Aspartame is a tool of the devil. So I only drink sugared soda. When I stopped doing that almost every day, that was the first real huge drop in size I saw. Just my stomach bloat alone was gone. Amazing.
• eating until I'm not hungry - which is way different than eating until I can't possibly eat another bite for fear of exploding like some Monty Python skit.
• eating soup for lunch - a good veggie & bean soup with a cheese stick cut up in it is incredibly filling.
• making better choices when I eat out. I can still go to Burger King with the boys. But now I leave off the fries and shake. Or I get a salad with chicken on it.
• eating more of the good stuff so I'm too full for dessert. At the baby shower the other day, the hostess (who is thin & fit, by the way) served only really awesome, tasty, good-for-you food. I didn't feel the least bit guilty eating my fill. So when they brought out the cake, I could actually say "no thanks" without weeping inwardly.
• not snacking with the boys. I used to eat snacks with the boys. Whatever they were eating. Cookies or whatever. Active little boys can have snacks like that. Sedentary 42 yr old women cannot. So I started snacking on pecans, almonds or peanuts. And maybe a very small yogurt.
• not snacking while I watch TV or blog or whatever I do after the boys are in bed. That's hard. I love a good evening with the idiot box and my favorite snacks. Even the not-so-evil snacks were just more food than I needed in a day. So it added up.

Now, I will confess that the initial reason for my zeal in this was due to thinking about a certain guy. But since I started dropping the size, I am SO stinkin' HAPPY! So now I'm doing this for ME.

So the giant "WOO HOO!" here is this:

My size 14s have been falling off me lately as I walk. And that's not a good thing. So today during lunch, I ran over to the mall and tried on some size TWELVE pants. They FIT. And without having to totally suck in your gut while you pray that those mirrors really aren't two way. I just fastened them. No wrestling into them or anything!!!! Let me tell you, if my size 14s weren't falling off already, I would have done a little jig in The Gap!

So I bought 2 pair of size twelve. I almost bought about 6 pair. But then thought, wait, don't waste your money! Because you're gonna be a size TEN by Christmas!!!!

Yah boyeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

4:20pm Edited: well the new size 12 jeans are officially a hit. I picked The Boy up from the bus just now. I had the new jeans on and a big ol' t-shirt - which rather undid the whole effort of looking svelt. My neighbor's daughter hops off the bus and, as she's running by me, says, "I like you in jeans. They make you look better!" and off she went. The approval of a fashion concious 3rd grade girl...not bad...

Wanda Rocking Once Again

Dude, seriously. Could Wanda rock any harder?


I went to the mailbox just now. Actually, haven't been in two days. So it might have actually been sitting there for me. But there was a lovely little package from Wanda! I opened it and found a sweet ribbon wrapped stack of cards. The top one is the old truck that I love.


I opened the packet and found an assortment of cards made from some of her paintings. I don't want to send any of these anywhere!!! I want to frame each one. Maybe I will. I have multiple old trucks. So maybe I'll part with some of those. And I have a girl in white - I can part with that since I have a larger framed print. But the others may just end up in frames of their own - filling gaps in my walls.


Wanda, you so totally rock.

Two Words: WANDA. ROCKS.

Well, let me tell you, my strange little blogger family...this strange little bloggy world is getting more and more embedded in my heart and life.

A while ago, I posted about how my walls and rooms had gaps and empty spaces where future ex had taken something in the physical division of our property. It was rather a downer. Well, I got so many wonderful suggestions for filling those gaps. And I intend to use almost all of them! But let me tell you...Wanda blew my mind!

For those of you who know Wanda, you are familiar with her paintings. Well she commented on my post offering to let me choose from prints of many of her paintings. I was so blown away by the offer. She was going to have the print matted and would mail it to me. Honestly, if I mail a bill, it's a banner day for me.

Well, I couldn't choose between the old truck and the girl in white. So I told her to pick for me and surprise me. Well, the print arrived the other day. I meant to post that it had arrived but got side tracked. Wanda sent me the girl in white!! She's SO gorgeous in person. Much better than the picture on the web. I got all teary as I unpacked her. What a gorgeous gift, Wanda! If you haven't seen her on Wanda's site, here's a shot I pilfered from Wanda's blog:

Wanda matted my print in a beautiful cream matte with a dark brown inner matte. I'm not good at describing it. But it's GORGEOUS.


Is that not the sweetest thing in the world? So one blank spot down. About...25 more to go! HA! Time to dig out some of my old photography. Some local frame store is going to LOVE me.


Wanda, I so totally love you!

My Blogger Friends ROCK!

I love the response I got from everyone on my last post. You guys are amazing.

One of the coolest things is that Wanda is going to actually send me one of her paintings to put on my wall!! She let me pick. I couldn't choose between the old truck and the girl in white. So she's going to surprise me by choosing between those two for me! Does she rock or WHAT?! I mean, in reality, none of us have ever met (excepting Trish & Kristen and my various family members lurking). But you guys support me like real friends do. I love it. I can't wait to see what Wanda chooses for me!

And to all the lovely ladies who have unfortunately walked where I am now: your strength and hope is one of the things that keeps me going. God has put you in my life to give me proof that, "See? I will get you through this." I really thank you so much for sharing your stories with me.

I have to tell you that I know I am being covered in some mighty prayer. How do I know? I'm sitting here all chipper and optimistic. All week. Since last Saturday, I have seen future ex every day or night. And each time, he takes more things and leaves more gaps. And every day, I have been fine. I haven't cried once. I haven't felt despair. I have even been able to rib him in a non-hostile way. So I know you and the rest of my wonderful support group are praying for me heartily.

I have to tell you this, too. Last night, we were emptying books off of shelves he was taking. At first, we were trying to divide them up by who owned what. But we ran out of time and just piled them all over the floor of whatever room they were in. At one point, he said, "You know, when you commented that I had so much 'stuff', I didn't realize...I don't know how I got so much STUFF!" I find it pretty telling that, he is walking out with so many physical possessions. He has also been working very hard to go out and purchase replacements for all of those things that will stay with me. So many blank spots and gaps are left in my physical world right now. I have no pressing angst to run out to replace any of them. And who is the one that is calm and peaceful? We all know that things won't make us happy. But I find this interesting - actual PROOF right in front of me.

Just thought I'd share.

I have started to incorporate many of your suggestions from my last post. I think the first item I will attack will be replacing that bed. And to paint my bedroom. I will also paint the living room (finally - I've had the color picked for over a year) as most of its walls are empty now. I already enlisted The Boy by telling him I would be framing some of his art to hang around the house. He is stoked, to say the least.

You're all so amazing.

...And Have I Mentioned That My Mom Rocks?

My mom rocks. Have I mentioned that before? If not, please feel free to slap me for that oversight when next you see me. But warn me first. I tend to get rather vexed when seemingly attacked for no reason.

Anyhoo...today is day two of my annoying, albeit benign, head cold. I'm much more functional than yesterday. And I didn't have to blow my nose every 3 minutes like yesterday (maybe every 30 minutes). I actually only took decongestants once during the day (as opposed to the 5 times yesterday that didn't do diddly). I didn't feel like I had a pair of wet socks crammed into my sinuses (maybe just one tiny toddler sock). But I was still a whiny mouth-breather with chapped lips and an even chapped-er nose.

So when dinner time arose, I was sorely tempted to just drive to some greasy fast-food place. But the giant zit on my right cheek spoke to me and said, "Unless you want my twin on the other side, you might want to reconsider your plan." Wise giant zit.

Grumbling inwardly at the unfair weight of fixing dinner while sick (and of course doing the whole "oh pity me, I'm a single mom now" thing in the back of my head), I begrudgingly fixed my children something that would make Beck shudder and probably call DSS. I made them ramen noodles and broccoli. I know. Pretty awful. But I like it and figured noodles and kids - you can't miss!

Wow, this is totally not at all about my wonderful mom. Anyway - long story way too long - I'm sitting there sipping at my noodles, thinking about all the amazing food I have at my finger tips and how THIS was what I chose...and the doorbell rings. It's MOM. And she has brought me a little care packages of sorts. Or care grocery bags, would be more precise. She handed them to me at the end of a 16 foot pole. Well, not really but I'm sure she wouldn't have argued, had someone offered said pole. Both boys gave her tons of hugs (had to try to out-do each other). And then she was gone.

Mom dropped off a HUGE bag of fat, sweet, succulent pecans (and that's pronounced "puh-CAHNS". Don't ever call them "PEE-cans" around me. I will berate you thoroughly), a container of huge muffins and a big huge bag of green seedless grapes. I've already eaten a huge fistful of those pecans. I'm sitting here pondering a muffin, too.

But isn't that just the sweetest thing? She wanted to make me dinner yesterday but I dragged my butt to the Burger King drive through with the boys (yes, I get the mother of the year award for my nutritional stint these last few months). She called today to ask if there was anything she could bring me. Having just stocked my pantry with about 42 cans of various soups, nope, I was good.

So her surprise tonight of 3 of my favorite snack things, that just rocked. And I wouldn't even have known to pick those 3 things. But looking at them, I thought, this is PERFECT.

My mom rocks.

Functionalitificationator...whatever...

Yesterday was 9/11. It's a day I try to never let pass without really remembering. I didn't watch any of the retelling, recounting, documentaries. I have done so a few times over the years. But the real images that I saw in real time between frantic phone calls with my sister in NYC on the actual day? Those will stay burned in my head way beyond the rehashed well-edited stuff they keep churning out.

The whole story - all three planes - it never ceases to just blow my mind.

One item I received in my email inbox at the end of the day yesterday: the final draft of my divorce decree. I looked at that email, looked at the 9/11 date and thought, "I'm declaring jihad on my marriage!" and laughed. My boss thought it was funny, too. I have a sick and stupid sense of humor. The other irony is that this is the 2nd "final" draft of the divorce decree. So is this the final-er draft? And the next one I get - will it be the final-est draft? Or will it just be like, "Final draft #12 in a series"....collect all 66! Trade with your friends!

I was very busy today. Work was work. Busy work. I'm rejoining the fully functional working adults that have been carrying my sorry butt for months now. Each day, I become more like the old employee I was. And that's a good thing. A few years back, when I was newly a mother of two, my immediate corporate America told all of us IT dorks that we'd need to buckle down, suck it up, put our noses to the grindstone and squeeze out just a tiny bit more blood from our proverbial stone. Since the Y2K projects that started in 1997, there aren't many IT people that haven't been working ridiculous schedules almost every year. So to come to people who feel like they're already working 24/7, not taking vacations, not watching their babies grow up and ask, hey can you guys start giving just a little more? Oh...and for the same pay? Yah, that went over big. I remember going to my boss' office and crying as I told her she might want to move me onto a less critical project as I could only give 100% and not the 120% they were asking. Kind of, hey, demote me to the piddly systems that won't exist much longer so I can try to remember what my kids look like. I remember the look of sheer disbelief on her face. I figured she was disappointed that I wasn't going to just give up leaving the work building altogether. But she was shocked I was worried about my ability to deliver. She said to me, "I get more out of you in 8 hours than some people give in a week." I was floored. And it felt damned good. From that moment on, I knew I was valued and I knew I kicked butt at work. And I realized many of my coworkers recognized it, too. That's an amazingly freeing feeling - to know you are valued.

Well, when my personal world shattered back around the new year, I went from that amazing 100% awesome worker to that 80% awesome worker. It just kept going downhill until late April. When future ex walked out the door, I became non-functioning, giant-pile-of-goo-on-the-floor, worker. Confused, discombobulated, zombie worker. I felt like I was in a constant state of Homer-Simpson - blank stare and drooling. It was a terrifying place for me. I was literally unable to fully contribute. I could plod along on the easier points of my job. But most points of my job are anything but easy. It's all brain work. It's all date driven and needed last week. It's all thinking on the fly, design a plan with which you can build the Taj Mahal after being given two toothpicks, a rubber band and $5. And we do it. Every year my team pulls miracles out of the depths of nothing. I'm part of a team of cream-of-the-crop insane people. You'd never know the cream-of-the-crop part to see us as a group. We're the doofiest looking bunch of miscreants. And you'd never know it by looking at the IMs or emails we exchange to alleviate the boredom of red-tape-laden conference calls. But they're all the bomb. And I hated feeling like I was letting them down. Dead weight. I can't stand dead weight.

But these beautiful people that can drive me out of my mind...this collection of weirdos that make me frequently consider a job as a dog-walker - they all rallied to me. I didn't even know it. I'm pretty sure my boss just went all Patton on them and gave them some inspirational direction on my behalf. Because suddenly, my emails were being answered by one coworker. Production problems were being researched and resolved for me. People were showing up on conference calls as "backup" and pretty much bailing me out. Smoke and mirrors, my friends. Smoke and mirrors. The new projects I was working on as the main point of contact for my team? Many people were shocked to find out I had been going through this. Because my team of freaks had covered my butt so completely, so seamlessly. They made me look good.

In the last few weeks, I have been much more my old self. Not quite 100% of where I used to be. But I feel like I'm actually carrying my weight - or most of it. And my team is back to having all of its parts. I've actually helped other people out by helping them when they were barely treading water. It felt good. Their image of me as frail is fading. I'm no longer that dainty fragile thing that might turn to dust if you say the wrong thing. I can't stand being treated like I'm that fragile. It's even worse when you really ARE that fragile.

So today, I felt like I gave a full 100% for the first time in a long time. And it felt SO good. It felt so good to crank out some critical stuff that was needed immediately. It felt good to mock up some screen prototypes for the web coders. It felt good to play liaison between the customers and my tech team. It felt good to bring the new guy up to speed on what we do. And it felt good to exchange silly IMs with my boss during mind-numbing calls.

I am humbled and awed by the people I work with. I mean, the absolute love & support they threw my way is nothing less than God sent. And I will try to keep that in mind on the next status call when we all sound like a bunch of lobotomized keystone cops.

Big Giant Gloopy Gobs of Love

Thanks for the well wishes. I'm much better. Still feeling a bit delicate (not a word frequently used to describe any part of me). So I'm being careful to avoid places like Sonic - where they deep fry like everything.

Today I am very oddly possessed by this overwhelming feeling of love. It is the strangest thing. I'm sitting here on this incredibly boring all-day conference call. And I feel this incredible urge to call or IM or email all of my friends to tell them how much I love them and how great they are. Lucky for me, I was able to IM Kristen and do that. I emailed Trish her big blob o' love yesterday. I just feel so insanely blessed with wonderful true friends. The kind that will be there for you no matter what, when, why, etc. I am so totally gooby with love that I would give everyone a giant group hug if you were all here.

I told Kristen that this feels so silly and weird. And she said that usually when you feel something so strongly, it's the Holy Spirit working. And it must have been. Because when I IM'd her a dose of big warm & fuzzy mushy stuff, it was exactly what she needed today. Isn't that funny? I just thought I was being all gloppy and dorky and it just totally hit home for her.

See, this is one of many reasons I love God.

And on Friday, when I was laying in bed wishing someone would buy me a new GI tract, I got a phone call from one of my closest friends in Boston. She was in horrible emotional pain. And I was only at home because I was sick. If I had been ok, I would have been at my parents' house. So my lovely little virus served a purpose. She told me, "I knew I'd call you and you'd make me feel better!"

God can use all things for good. Even nasty intestinal viruses. Take THAT evil!

I'm a dork.

Face Plants, GodTube and Teachers

Today's Tourette's Tidbit - Oh it's been broughten!
When your kid is a genius, you have to measure everything that you casually toss out of your mouth. I don't know why I haven't learned this in the 7+ years I've been a mom. But the point was very calmly made by The Boy at dinner tonight.

I was at Luby's with my parents and kids tonight (kids eat free on Wednesdays - I am officially a dorky mom). A fun dinner out after a long day of unpacking (just chipping the tip of the unpacking iceberg...gack!). I was telling my mom about a long phone conversation I had earlier with The Boy's teacher. I was trying to tell my mom that I had mentioned to the teacher that The Boy had Tourette's. I was trying to tell my mom in a way that didn't insult The Boy since he believes that he doesn't have Tourette's any more. And I'm more than happy to let him believe that because, hey, it's hardly there. Why worry? I think I said something like, "...so I told her that The Boy used to have Tourette's," (insert knowing sly smile which mom understood). I went on to tell mom that the teacher had mentioned that she saw no signs of Tourette's and I was happy about that.

Well, I was all pleased and smug with how clever I had been in telling my mom in such an unoffensive way. Yah. Well, I keep forgetting that The Boy is not ordinary like me. He very calmly informed my mother and me that he would like us to not discuss Tourette's in front of him any more. Because, when we do, it makes him think about it and he feels like his tics want to start.

Doh! So I said, ok...good to know. It's a deal, ok? He was fine with that and went on eating his multi-colored Jello. I felt like a dork. But I also found that some very interesting bit of information. If I just stop mentioning it or pointing it out, would that help? I mean, if the tics are hardly noticeable, am I keeping the symptoms alive by talking about it? I've always wanted to just talk about it like it was no big deal so he would see that it's nothing to be ashamed of and it was just a normal thing to discuss, etc. Best of intentions. Well, we'll see. I will honor his request. And I will continue to ask God to control and eliminate the Tourette's. Here's to praying big!

Face Plants
So when we returned from Luby's, the boys were surprised to find a new kitchen table in our house. It's actually very old. I believe it predates me. And I'm old. But in the fun divorce game I like to call, "who gets what", future ex has gotten our nice (but small) kitchen set. So I got the kitchen table I grew up with. Man, that table has had LOTS of kids lovin' on it. I have colored my fingernails and who knows what else with markers on that table. I have dyed Easter eggs on that table. I have deep fried donuts on that table. I have blown out myriads of birthday candles on that table. But enough of the table. This is about face plants.

Well, The Boy was very excited about the new table. And since I had moved the chairs out of the way for a while, there was lots of extra room in the kitchen. Well, what else is an open space for than to spin? So The Boy was spinning around, on tile, with socks. I turned just in time to see his feet go out from under him and his face take the brunt of the fall. Oh man, it was awful. For one second, I thought, ok, maybe it's not that bad. But then the crying started. And it's that cry where you KNOW it's not fake. His mouth was very bloody. His upper inner lip was shredded and bloody. I still can't tell if any teeth will be casualties. He told me his bite feels off. I'm hoping it's just from the pain and swelling. But it feels an awful lot like a repeat performance of spring 2005 - when he face planted on asphalt at our Boston church and ended up losing his two top front teeth. And it took surgery at Children's Hospital in Boston to fully extract them.

I dosed him with ibuprofen, iced it and sent him to bed. We'll see if his bite is still off in the morning. If so, we'll be visiting the doctor in stead of helping my parents unpack more. Good times. Good times.

GodTube - Who Knew?
Ok, am I the only one who had no idea GodTube existed? I'm not addicted to YouTube but I've been sent enough links to understand it's general workings. Well, Kristen sent me a link to some one's blog that had this GodTube video embedded. I have to tell you, if almost anyone else had sent it to me, I would have deleted it and kept working. But Kristen rarely sends stuff like that (for which I'm immensely thankful). So I figured I better check it out.

First off, it was a video on GodTube. Yes, I'm a God-person. But I still have a huge cynical streak in me that smirks at God-ish knock offs of anything. So I initially thought, "GodTube? Are you kidding me? Bunch of dorks." Yes, I'm a sweet girl. Secondly, when the video started, it was a movement-oriented skit. No spoken words. Interpretive dance-ish type things done to a cool Christian song. So the second set of rolling eyes. But wait, it came from Kristen so there's got to be something to this. Oh and there IS. The blog said, if you can just make it to the end, they thought I'd think it was worthwhile. Holy freakin' guacamole! It is very worthwhile. Trish said the same thing - if it had been sent by anyone else, she would have trashed it. And she dislikes interpretive dance even more than me! So here is a link (I hate embedding stuff in my blog). And it has rave reviews from Kristen, Trish and ME. I have watched it like 10 times so far. You may all come back and ask me what I'm smoking. But let me tell you, the images keep replaying in my head.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

More God-Sent Teachers
I mentioned above that I had a long talk with The Boy's teacher today. She called because he had a loose tooth that was bothering him - this is pre-face-plant. It was bothering him to the point of him being upset and he insisted that his mom could probably do something about it. Other than tell him it will be fine, I could not.

After calming The Boy down on the phone, I got back on with his wonderful teacher. She raved about his reading, spelling, logic, math, etc. I tried to explain to her that all of that has very little to do with anything his father or I have done with him at home. It really is just one of his gifts God doled out to him. He is a lazy parent's dream! I don't have to hound him to read his 20 minutes a night. He's usually devouring some book or other anyway. In kindergarten, he used to just read his children's dictionary for fun. If he's into a subject, he'll read any book or anything that even mentions the subject. Currently, it's dinosaurs. But he has read multiple books on Saturn, space, weather, birds, I can't even think of what else. So it's not like I'm can take much more credit than taking him to Barnes & Noble when he begs me to.

Anyway, when she mentioned how upset he was about his loose tooth, I said, well, I never know when something is really bothering him or when it's just a manifestation of his Tourette's. She hasn't had a chance to read through all of the forms on each kid yet so she hadn't known about his TS. She asked me if there was anything special she needed to know or do. I filled her in about how he can fixate on things. I gave her a quick rundown of his diagnosis - Tourette's with co morbid anxiety issues and obsessive compulsive tendencies. We discussed what she might see and how she might handle it. Then, when discussing his off-the-charts smarts, she said, "I'm going to start finding things to challenge [The Boy]." I didn't even have to ask. I love her. Did I mention that?

I have to tell you, I have been so busy with things lately, I hadn't even taken the time to obsessively pray for the perfect teacher for The Boy. Last Thursday, when we were heading to the school to meet The Boy's teachers, I realized this and thought, "Oh no! I didn't pray for the perfect teacher! He'll have some horribly unengaged teacher who doesn't give a crap about kids!" So I quickly asked God to somehow set things straight and please please please give The Boy the perfect teacher for him. See, this is just one of many reasons why I love God. He just totally rocks. I'm sure he hand picked her before I realized I had forgotten to pester him about it in the first place! He knew I'd be asking. I had probably thought about it in one of my half-asleep kind-of-prayer times. And boom! He delivers. Yet again.

She finished our conversation by telling me how she couldn't wait to see how this year went because he's in her class. Could any mother ask for anything more?