Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Thanksgiving, Derailing, and Rerailing

My thanksgiving could have been very weird this year. It was my first thanksgiving without my future ex since 1991. I was worried I'd be mopey. No way. I had a rockin' thanksgiving!

I made brisket, turkey breast and ham. I had potatoes, carrots & onions in the crock pot w/ the brisket so those were awesome. My gravies were home made from the drippings and they were spot ON, man. I made pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, and 2 chocolate chess pies. Mom brought the green jello salad (yum!) and sweet potato casserole. Big Sis brought the green bean casserole, rolls & other breads. I made stuffing and some carrots in butter & brown sugar. Seriously, we could have fed all of you guys along with us. I had my parents, my sis & her hubby, my boys and two neighbors. It was so relaxed and totally mellow. I didn't have any stress of trying to be Martha Stewart. When you come to my house for a meal, you can expect awesome food and my house in whatever state it happens to be in at the time. Stress free holidays are what I'm all about.

I was so happy to be able to host this holiday. And to have the means to buy the food. To have the house in which to host everyone. To have friends and family that actually wanted to come. It was just FUN. I don't think there was any stress anywhere to be found. It rocked!

So, after thanksgiving, I had a wonderful Friday off with my boys. Just puttering and doing whatever came to mind whenever we thought of it. Another very relaxed day. I LOVE being around my boys. They are just silly and fun and make me stupid amounts of happy.

On Saturday, I think, Lil' Bro innocently said something that rather derailed me from my "I'm so strong and can handle anything" mood. He has been sick since the holiday - not too horrible but fevery and GI trouble from both ends. At one point, he was coughing and I said, "You ok, bud?" He looked very serious and said, "I dying, mommy," to which I replied, "Oh NO!" He quickly assured me, "I just kidding - I'm not dying." I told him, "Oh good because I would be SO sad. I would just cry and cry." Then he said, "If daddy died...[girl thing] would be sad." I was just do I say here? So I said, "Yes. We'd all be sad." Lil' Bro said, "No, daddy doesn't love you any more. He loves [girl thing]. [Girl thing] would be sad."

Now, I have to tell you, I get that he's just stating things as he sees them. I get that. But the reality of it was like a knife to the heart. It was just such a succinct statement of how things are and it's a subject that is very hard to think about - let alone hear it stated so matter-of-factly by your almost-4-yr old.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with at this moment is how I have been unceremoniously dethroned from my place of honor. I was figuratively ripped from my throne and thrown to the ground. As I lay there going, "OW! That hurt!" future ex was stepping on me in order to place his new queen up on MY throne - with MY scepter and crown! While my children watched. And everyone else, for that matter. That's rather how it feels. It is amazingly hard for me to have gone from beloved partner, wife & mother - the place of honor for 16 years - to suddenly being the annoying other woman. That instant shift that took place at the hands of future ex just blows my mind no matter how I try to reconcile it in my mind.

So to have my wee man just make that was more than I could handle. It did derail me for a couple of days. I can't really say I hit depression. But I had that sick pit in my stomach for a couple of days. I was sad and grumpy. I was mad. And I had to wrestle with those awful feelings of vengeance again.

The only good thing about times like these is that it forces me to turn to God. I wish I had posted about this during my bad feelings. Because when I post after I've wrestled with it and God has helped heal my heart? Well, it seems so...easy. I wish I was able to post all my hurt and anger and ugly side. I just feel like writing about it after God has picked me up makes me seem much more heroic than I am. I mean, I was MAD. I was angry. I felt VERY sorry for myself. I wasn't thinking pretty nice Christian thoughts. I had to turn it all over to God - which I didn't want to do. Just sometimes, I want to be mean. I wish I could say all of those things that run through my head to future ex. I wish I could be ugly - trying to hurt him as much as he's hurt me. But I wouldn't be able to. It would just backfire on me. Or it would make me feel like an ass. So I begrudgingly turn over all my negative feelings to God. And he takes them.

But that was a bit disconcerting to wrestle with. Guh.

During those derailed times, it always feels like it will never end. It will always be like this. I start to wonder if I will ever fully recover from the dissolution of my marriage. I have no idea why I always let myself lean toward that thinking. Because God ALWAYS comes through.

I had kept all of this yicky stuff to myself. I feel like I have been a needy mess for 11 months. My friends and family must be SO sick of hearing about my pain. I mean, I'M sick of hearing and thinking about my divorce. So I can't imagine how my support system must feel. So I kept it to myself. And for my personality? That's poison.

At church on Sunday, I didn't sing. Which always bums me out a bit. It's rather become a piece of my survival. I love singing. It's cathartic for me. So I didn't sing and sat out in the congregation. But that actually seemed nice. I got to sit with my family for once. I sat there just behind Lil' Bro. And during worship, one of my friends came over and said, "I think [Lil' Bro] threw up." Lil' Bro was just sitting there all dum-dee-dum-dee-dum. But sure enough, there was a puddle of puke under his chair. So this wonderful friend sent me off to clean up Lil' Bro while he cleaned my son's puke. How awesome is that?

The sermon rocked - as usual. The fellowship with my friends was amazing. The kids at church just lifted my spirits. It was awesome.

Yesterday, one of my best friends at church - the music director's wife - she emailed me to see how I've been. She hadn't really heard much from me lately and wanted to check in. How cool is that? I told her how I was thinking people might be sick of hearing about my troubles and she poo-poo'd that for the nonsense it is. So I told her all about my derailing and how I wrestle with loneliness. And how the feelings can all come back and how I just want to be in love again, etc. At one point, I think I wrote "Did a lot of praying last night. Poor God. I don't know how he stands it." Her reply to that just totally made me laugh out loud. She wrote back, "Yeah, I bet the God who had to figure out how to create the world is totally overwhelmed by all your prayers. Maybe you should let up a bit." Hahahaha! I love friends that can just totally smack you upside the head in such a sweet and funny way.

And then tonight, I chatted with my wonderful sweet friend in Boston. I've mentioned him before. He's one of the few men I have leaned on during this - he's part of my safety zone. I was telling him how I'm just so sick of this up and down crap. I'm just ready to be 100% strong and OVER this whole thing. He's going through his own post-break-up so he gets it. He nailed it on the head when he said it's like two steps forward and one step back. But the two steps forward feel SO good. You feel so happy and so strong. And so when you hit that one step back, it just hurts all that much more because you thought things were getting so much better.

God has surrounded me with such wonderful people. I really wonder how people survive life without support. Thank you, God. Thank you for sending your people to be your loving arms, your shoulder to cry on, your ears, your words, your love. Bless them all, God. Because they are honoring you so well. Amen.


Sarakastic said...

I wish I lived closer so I could give you a hug, well that & the fact that I don't know what a chocolate chess pie is.

Angela Marie said...



Johanna said...

So are you going to give us the chocolate chess pie recipe or what?

And she'll never get your scepter, you are Mommy.You are the hand that rocked the cradle, and you know what that means.

Moanna said...

Ok, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Here are my two cents.

Don't look at it as two steps forward and one back. Some steps hurt and some steps feel good, but every step you take as a woman living in truth is a step forward.

And, well, don't be sad if the future-ex croaks. Just don't kill him with your bare hands 'cause that would leave fingerprints.


Kristen said...

First of all, please don't worry about people being tired of hearing you talk about your troubles!!! 'Cause that's not the case. And 'cause we love you.

As far as your throne ... I think of it more like future ex stepped down from his throne next to you, slunk down the back stairs, left the castle, and is hanging out in the stinky stables with the girl who shovels the poop. No one could remove you from your throne, especially where your boys are concerned. What's really happened is that God is getting ready to fill the seat next to you with a good, honest, loving, knock-you-over-handsome new king.

I know the ups and downs and backs and forths suck. But you know God loves you no matter what AND that he's been through it, too. And, each time you fall a little, he sends someone to help you stand up again. Which brings you closer to him each time. I really don't believe that God wants you to experience the downs, but he makes the best use of them possible, you know?

Trish Ryan said...

A few weeks after my first marriage ended (when I was theorizing that I'd be back up and running again in another week or so) my Dad--who'd been through a looloo of a divorce before he met my Mom--said, "Honey, you won't feel anything like normal again for at least a year."

It was so helpful to have that space to just flail around an figure out where up and down had relocated to in my absence, so bless you to know that the same applies to you!

And yay for your friend's wise words...that's funny stuff!

Wanda said...

Would I love to be in Texas right now and sit and chat and hug and laugh and cry together...Who knows...maybe some day in San Diego :)

Jane said...

It's a beautiful thing to find a piece of survival that gets us through it all. You are doing an amazing job, sweetness!!! Kids will be kids. They say and do things based on their reactions to the whole divorce thing. As hard as it was for me to heal from my dethroning as a wife, I often think how hard it is for young kids to deal with their family suddenly being torn apart.

Next year, I'd love to come to Texas for Thanksgiving...maybe even bring the kids....I'm serious about this too! I can bring the Philadelphia Cheesecake and soft pretzels for dessert.

ellesappelle said...

You rock, Lynette. (You really do.) I wish we had Thanksgiving in NZ.