An Open Letter To My Scary Neighbors

Dear Scary Neighbors,

Your dog is lonely. Apparently, he is also without food or water quite frequently. Whose idea was the ginormous metal bowl? Is there a way that you can either keep said bowl filled with, oh...say...food or water or bolt it down to your back porch? Because when he seems annoyed by the lack of food or water, that little toss game he plays with that METAL bowl...on your CEMENT porch...yah, that's good times. It's fun to listen to at, say, 1:18am. So maybe, could you play with him? Or take him inside when it gets hella hot? Because, I'm not sure if you've noticed but this is Central Texas. And it gets hot outside. And your back porch takes the brunt of the afternoon sun and hottest time of day. Your dog doesn't have air conditioning. Or water. I checked.

Oh and also, could you mow your lawn? And perhaps pick up the garbage around your property? And possibly not smoke pot so obviously on your back porch where my boys can see? And can you ask that one guy - you know the one - to please wear a shirt when he's mucking about in the back yard?

Thanks.

Signed your neighbor that was just once again jolted awake by a loud metal-on-cement sound.

Updates and Unimportancia

I love making up my own words. It's fun. Unimportancia should be a word. Blogger spell check hates my made up words. I am glad it doesn't force me to correct them.

An update on my Blackberry adventures:
I went to the Blackberry website before accosting that poor boy at the Sprint store. He sells all sorts of phones. If I want Blackberry expertise, I should start with Blackberry. After searching through their website, I found a Q&A forum where someone had my exact problem. The resulting instructions were NOT intuitive and were nowhere in the manual that came with the phone NOR were they in the dowloadable PDF manual on the phone. So...apparently, in order to use your Blackberry, you either need to buy it from one of those stores that will do all the unintuitive setup FOR you, or you have to go searching on their website to get instructions. And a further mini-rant is that the instructions were in about 4 different responses in a conversational thread between an annoyed consumer like myself and some smug techie that answered as if his instructions should have just occurred to the consumer. Smug techies. [shudder]

So the things I want to work on my phone are working. I can get email from my two main accounts all in one email interface. Nice. I can Facebook. And if you know me, that's akin to saying "Oh good, there's oxygen here!" I can take a picture and have it uploaded on Facebook within 30 seconds. Which I like. So now all my friends know exactly what that Frisco Melt looked like that I had for dinner last night. They are also seeing many more casual shots of my kids. And let's face it, the world needs more pictures of my kids.

The one caveat that I'm still holding out on is the bill. The plan I got boasts unlimited email, texting, internet and "data". In my mind, this means I should just pay my monthly rate and then extra charges for roaming and going over my daytime minutes. A friend in Boston just dumped all her internet capabilities because the same plan ended up charging her for all sorts of "data" even though she was on the "unlimited data" plan. When she called to complain, they explained some vague lawyer-like stuff about how data going OUT was covered but data coming IN wasn't. Or something like that. She wasn't very clear. But she warned me to watch my bill for that kind of hook. Today, I will call Sprint and say, "Hey, can you define exactly what 'data' is in your contract here?" Because I use a LOT. The emails I get and the Facebooking alone could put me well up into the million dollar mark very quickly. So we'll see.

But for now, I love my Blackberry. So JenKneeBee, you were right. Big learning curve but well worth the effort. So far...

Things that I have thunk last night or this morning:
Should one really need needle-nose pliers in order to get the foil cover off of a local generic half & half creamer bottle? I believe the answer is NO. And yet, my needle-nose pliers remain in my kitchen drawer.

Stop stressing over Adam vs. Kris. It's just a TV show!!! They'll both do awesome and make way more money than you or I will. So just let it go, people.

Hmmm...Isaiah 54:5 doesn't really say what a lot of people think it's saying.

Why does Blogger spell check want to capitalize the word "internet"? Is it a person? Does it command respect? I'm not quite clear on this.

I'm still having problems with people posting pictures with titles like "Bob and I". I want to send them all links to a previous rant of mine on that very subject. But I don't want to be a smug techie.

He's just not that into you. And by "you", I mean ME.

Those car oil commercials with the sadistic Scottish/Irish dude running around yelling, "Think with your dipstick, Jimmy!" really annoy the snot out of me. Aside from the sophomoric penile innuendo that should insult most American males (because you see, this company thinks you'll buy their stuff if they make a penis joke. You get it?), it's just stupid and low-brow. And to prove what a lousy ad campaign it is, I don't even know the name of the oil. No matter how clever or annoying you think an ad is, if it isn't leaving your brand or product name on the lips of everyone who sees it, it ain't workin'.

An annoying commercial that does work? Head-On. Stupidest commercials in the world. But I don't know a person who can't tell you what the name of the product is! And even better, most people could tell you what the product is supposed to do.

Things I'm excited about:
Tonight, I will have to eat crow. I eat a lot of crow these days. Here's a little tip - a warning, if you will. If you sneer at something, make fun of something, think you're better than something/someone, you can pretty much bet money on the fact that you will end up having to deal with that something or someone later in your oh-so-smug life. You will eat crow.

I have always laughed at people that made a huge deal out of preschool graduations. Seriously, a cap & gown for 4 & 5 year olds? Do I look like I'm made out of money for frivolity? Wait. Don't answer that if you've seen all the frivolous stuff in my house. But my point here, folks, is - I thought preschool graduation was totally dumb. And anyone who buys into is an idiot.

Hello. I'm an idiot.

Tonight, Lil'Bro will graduate from his preschool. Fortunately, they didn't make us buy caps and gowns. I think they know all the parents are scraping just to pay for the school. But Pokemon Boy, my parents and I will head to Lil'Bro's preschool tonight to watch a little ceremony. And I'm thrilled pickles about it! I'm pure hook, line & sinker about this. So make fun all you want. I don't care. I own my hypocrisy. I own my former snobbery. I eat the crow with relish!! My boy is gradumificating from preschool!!!

I can't wait to see my friends' band this Friday night!!! Weeeeeeee!!! My mom rocks for taking my kids for a sleepover. I haven't seen Kay since January 2008 when she was doing backup vocals for a little show that popped through here. I haven't seen her husband USAMike since...wow...I'm not sure how many years. We chat here and there through Facebook but that's not really hanging out. So this will be REALLY cool. And I also get to see another former Boston rocker pal, Jess, who now lives in Austin, too! We haven't been able to get together so it will be a bonus to see her there, too.

Ok. That's it for today, folks. Randomosity and unimportancia for everyone!!! Peace out, yo.

[I'm so street.]

The Jury Is Out

Every two years, I am allowed to keep up with the exponential progression of technology by upgrading my cell phone. Which is nice, seeing as how the most cutting edge of cell phones goes completely archaic 5 minutes after you get it home.

Today, I went to my local cell phone provider store because A) they have a new location next to the Starbucks by my house and B) I qualify for an upgrade. Yippee! I get to get a new phone!

What I really want is an iPhone. I love them. Like 5 to 8 year old boys love a Nintendo DS, so do I love the iPhone. I am an Apple marketer's dream. But alas, that phone is sold exclusively by AT&T. And when I priced the cost of switching over to said provider and phone and the plans you'd need in order to have it do all the cool and nifty things you want it to do? Twarn't worth it. I will stick with my iPod Touch.

I pondered the Samsung version of a touch phone. It was nifty. But had the same problem. To have it do all the nifty things you want a web enabled phone to do, you have to pay too much. And it just felt like a cheap immitation of the iPhone. If I get a touch phone, it will be an iPhone. Some day, my sweet iPhone. Some day.

I pondered all the other phones. I made the poor guy pull about 6 different phones out of boxes so I could actually heft them, feel the weight, check the size compared to my pockets, etc. If anyone is looking for some good "open box" deals in my area, let me know and I'll give you the address of the store.

I went with the Blackberry Curve (a red one - this photo is all I could find that matched my newer model). It's a cute phone. It's very functional. It has a full QWERTY keypad (ie - you don't have to press one button three times just to get to the 3rd letter on that key). It can handle web and email if you want but you don't HAVE to buy the plan for those features like the other touch phones. It comes in red. Very important. I'm pretty sure all phone designers have understood that you MUST offer phones in a minimum spectrum of black, red and pink. I am girly enough to wear pink Converse but NOT to have a pink cell phone.

I bought the upgrade, got the info on the $100 mail-in rebate, switched to a new number (goodbye old 617 Boston area code), transferred over my whole contact list and headed home. I called a few people so they'd have my new number. I emailed everyone on my email list to give them my new number. I put the kids to bed and then sat down with my new phone and the instruction manual.

Now, maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking that if an instruction manual says, "From the home menu, select option A", there should probably be an option A on the home menu. Now granted, I did not graduate from college. And I've only been writing instructional and technical documentation for a good 13 years. But I feel pretty confident that the instruction manual that comes with a phone should actually represent what a consumer might actually FIND in the phone.

So while I've been able to change the display font to all sorts of silly and unreadable fonts and have called a bazillion people in my contact list, I still cannot get the web browser to work, nor have I been able to set up the email capabilities. I also have not found about 6 of the menu items the instruction manual insists I should find in the home menu.

I have 30 days in which to try out my new phone that is - I was told - the top selling phone in America. Even topping the iPhone. I am convinced I will love it. Because my church bass player likes his. And I trust him because he's a total technerdian like myself. But better. And more smarter.

Tomorrow, I plan to make the guy at the wireless store earn his day's wages. I will go back in with my lovely 30 day trial period phone. I will bring the oh so informational instruction manual. And I will ask him to show me where these elusive menu options are. And to show me how to set up the features I paid extra for. And when he shows me all sorts of steps that aren't in the manual, I will then ask him to please inform the Blackberry technical writing staff (which is, no doubt, NOT housed anywhere in America these days) that they kinda missed some vital info and to please stop half-assing it and write a manual that represents what their product actually DOES. OR...when he shows me that I totally didn't read something that is really obvious, I will come back and post a big ol' "DOH!" post telling you all how stupid I am. But I'm kinda thinking it will be the former.

Which Level Did Dante Have Spammers In?

Dear comment spammer "Sexy",

Thank you ever so much for spamming my comments with your strange Asian characters that were live links to who knows what kind of sites. Thank you so much for putting your useless and annoying spam comments on 10 of my posts, in no particular order, spanning 3 years of my entries. That was fun, going to each one and deleting your comments. Good times, that.

And thank you for forcing me to have to use Comment Mediation. Because, you know, I love having an extra layer of work to go read and approve comments on my blog. I'd like to thank you for making it difficult for my actual friends and family to see real-time comments in my posts. I'd like to thank you for making the choice to join the scum of the earth career path of spamming. You're only one rung higher than hackers, in my book.

So thank you for making me break from my usual attempts at supporting families of Tourette's children or spreading light and laughter. Because these kinds of asides are just uplifting to everyone. So, well done "Sexy".

Oh, and on the subject of your obvious misnomer, your spamming efforts are anything but sexy. Please feel free to do some emotional house cleaning and let me know if you join the human race.

Sincerely,
Tourette's Mom - a new addition to the comment moderating bloggers

A Grammatical Pet Peeve

I'm a math major. Or, to be correct, I was a math/compSci major and then dropped out of college after my junior year. So it amuses me to no end that a math/sci dropout can get this right and so many other seemingly edumacated people CAN'T! I know it's a really silly and petty pet peeve but it drives me nuts when I see a photo album entitled "Pics of Bob and I". Really? You have some pictures of "I", do yah? As far as pet peeves go, that's right up there with pronouncing "ESC" words as if they were spelled "EXK" - like EXspecially or EXscape. But I digress.

When to use "Me" vs "I". It's really pretty simple once you get down to it. I'm bad at explaining it, however. So I went to the interwebs to get some explanationating assistance.

Here is a very good write up from http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/ime.html. If you don't want to read the whole thing, skip to the bottom for a very good boiled down rule of thumb.

I vs Me

Mistakes made with these two English pronouns have been increasing exponentially for years. The difference is actually very simple - let me explain it to you.

I

I is the first person singular subject pronoun, which means that it refers to the person performing the action of a verb.

I want to go.
This is the one I like.
You and I need to get ready.
Tom and I are going to the movies.

Me

Me is an object pronoun, which means that it refers to the person that the action of a verb is being done to, or to which a preposition refers.

David told me to leave.
He gave me ten dollars.
Between you and me, this is a bad idea.
She needs to talk to Joe or me.

The Bottom Line

This confusion usually occurs when you have I/me connected to another pronoun or name with "and" or "or." I believe that the confusion begins when someone says something like "John and me are ready" and that is corrected to "John and I are ready." The speaker then thinks, "Oh, the word 'and' means that I should always use I." This is not the case. "And" has nothing to do with it; the reason you say "John and I" in that sentence is that "John and I" are the subject. If they were the object, you'd use me: "He told John and me to get ready."

If you are not good with grammar concepts like subject and objects, there is still a very easy way to decide whether to use I or me: try out the sentence with just I or me (or if you need a plural, we or us - "we" is equivalent to "I" and "us" is equivalent to "me."):

He told Tom and (I or me?) to get ready.
He told I to get ready? NO
He told me to get ready? YES
Therefore, He told Tom and me to get ready.

If John and (I or me?) get married, we'll have two kids.
If me get married? NO
If I get married? YES
Therefore, If John and I get married, we'll have two kids.

Just between you and (I or me?), this is a bad idea.
Because "between" needs to be followed by a plural, we'll use "we" and "us" to figure this out.
Just between we? NO
Just between us? YES
Just between you and me, this is a bad idea.

And whatever you do, please don't use a subject pronoun and object pronoun together.

He and I - correct: "He and I are going to town."
Him and me - correct: "She told him and me the truth."
Him and I - WRONG
He and me - WRONG

Ok. This college dropout is done being a grammar snob. Man, I really need to get out more.