Monday, September 29, 2008

Touching Base With Y'All

I haven't blogged consistently for so long, I have no idea if anyone still checks this site. For the few who do, I thought I'd check in and say hello.

Being a single mom: I had always said single parents were my heroes. But I said it like you always say things like that. Without full understanding. Kind of like thinking what you might do if a loved one dies or some other tragedy befalls you. You think you can picture it but you can't.

In some ways, it's not quite as hard as I thought. I guess I had thought that whatever made me the single mom would have overwhelmed my world so completely, I wouldn't be able to focus as a mom. So I guess I thought that was where the struggle was. But in my case - you get over the cheating lug. Kind of. God gets me past it. And when the ugliness of it all gets all up in my face again, God's good about keeping me steady.

Right now - this new into it - it's the no-time-for-anything part that gets me. Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a single mom. Stupid, I know. But it's when I look around my formerly pristine house and see a clutter of toys, papers, unfathomable "stuff", that gets me. When I walk by something black, see the dust and can't recall the last time I pulled out the Swiffers. When I walk past that little piece of balloon streamer on the stairs - again - knowing I probably won't vacuum this week, either. When I toss my boys into a tub/shower and am not sure when I last did that. When I get a crap review at work because - bottom line - I can't work overtime. When the boys are bummed because yet another Saturday is spent running errands. When I strip the beds to wash the linens, wondering when I did that last. It's not how I was raised. It's not how I used to do things. It's not how I like things.

My days are filled from the moment I pop out of bed until the moment the boys go into theirs. And then? That's when I know I should get the laundry done, dust, clean my bathroom, pay bills, or whatever else is on my mental honey-do list. I rarely do that. Most nights, I put them to bed, I get ready for bed, I grab my reading glasses & bible and crawl into bed. I read until I start reading the same verses over and over. Then I put out the light, lay down and start asking God to help me. Help me be the mom they deserve. Help me to have forgiveness in my heart for the ex. Help me to keep my job. Help me to keep my house. Help money to appear out of nowhere to pay all the bills. Help me to be ok with just me and God. Help me to make it through if these rumors of layoffs are more than just rumors. Take away the fear, God. Take away my dependence on things, money, houses, this lifestyle. Help me to truly depend on God. Help me to teach my boys the truth about God - not the namby pamby fairy tail version most of us half-assedly believe. Help me to live it. Help me to really believe. Increase my faith. Talk to me. Fill me with your Holy Spirit, God. In such a way that is so real that there is NO way I can have any doubt. Give me a boldness so I'm not chicken to say, guess what, yah, that's right, I believe in God and Jesus and the whole shebang. Help me to stop worrying about what other people think. Help me to have such faith that I don't water down my beliefs - even for family members.

At times, I think he must be so sick of hearing from me. I've been bugging him - pestering him - my whole life.

And then I go to church. I joke with one of the head pastors that I think pastor Kenny preaches every Sunday just to me! This past Sunday, he was talking about the part in Luke 11:9-10, where Jesus is telling his disciples the whole "ask and you shall receive" thing. So many translations lose a very important part of this. It's not "ask once and you get it". The original language there is more like "keep asking, keep knocking, keep seeking." Pastor Kenny used the words "with shameless persistence." Keep asking God - with no shame. Keep asking. This is a God - a dad - who wants to give us good things. It's our persistence that shows A) we trust him and B) we're serious.

It made me renew a few prayers I had kind of given up on. God, take away Pokemon Boy's Tourette's - totally. God, do whatever it takes to make the ex turn and consider you as a viable option. God, save my job. God, save my house. God, help me be that amazing single mom I know I can be through you. God take away the anxiety and depression. God remove these migraines. God, help me find a job working for you. God, use my singing.

I'm not totally over the fear. I'd like the giant band aid of the layoff news to get ripped off so I can just know once and for all. I'm trying to turn everything over to God. I think that will be a life-long effort. But I'm not going to stop asking. I will keep asking, keep knocking and keep seeking. I'm interested to see what God does.

Luke 11
9 "So I say to you: Keep asking and it will be given to you; keep seeking and you will find; keep knocking and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives; whoever seeks finds; and to those that knock, the door will be opened."

12 comments:

Ruthie said...

Thanks for the great reminder that we can't ask for His help too much. Sometimes I feel like a broken record or even think I've reached my limit. No limits. I like that reminder a lot.

Sarakastic said...

You'll be in my prayers but you are already an awesome mom.

Shari said...

I love you and I truly admire your strength. I was a single mom, I understand all that stuff, but I started as single mom, so I knew nothing else. You have remained so strong for those boys and have been such a wonderful example of faith for them (and for me!). Wyatt and I are always here if you need ANYTHING!!!

Carol Beth said...

Oh, Lynette, I just love you and your honest heart so much. I know it's hard to see what you're doing right when your day is so full. But from the outside, I see a mom who loves her boys and has taught them to be obedient, kind, fun kids. I see a child of God who desperately wants to please Him. I see a friend who is supportive and honest and just awesome. You are beautiful to God and to me and to your sweet boys, and I'm so glad you're my friend.

ellesappelle said...

I'll pray too, that those things you're praying for happen for you.

Brenda-Mom said...

Thanks sweet one for pouring out your heart and sharing your anxiety and pain. You are never far from my thoughts and so often in my prayers. I know you are so very busy just trying to keep up. Just know you are at the top of my list. This is a very critical time for you. God will be faithful to you in every way you need and more! Love you.

Kendra said...

I still check all the time . . .and am so glad you shared your heart. I pray often for you . . groan out for you . . .ask the Lord to bless you in ways you couldn't even think of asking for. Keep claiming Luke 11:9-10 over and over to Him - He wants nothing more in life than to bless you and make you completely aware of His presence and provision. He is absolutely crazy, head-over-heels in love with you, you know. Love you so much . . and you ARE doing a great job - your boys could care less about the cleanliness of your home.

Robert said...

Lynette, You Rock! You are a living example of Faith hitting the streets and it is an encouraging thing to watch.

James 1:3
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

You are doing what you need to be doing, praying and seeking God with all your heart. There are so many people that if they were in you shoes, would be running back to the world and justifying it all along the way. But you’re stepping up in your faith and are persevering. It is so cool to watch. It makes me remember God answers all prayers, all the time. Whether I see it or not. The Christian walk can sometimes be messy, kind of like my house can get =) Why do some of my prayers get answer instantly and others it seams like they are not answer at all? I don’t know but I know I'm called to live by faith and not by sight and I know that God is always doing something even if I don’t see or understand it. And so I need to just keep on praying
Thanks for the encouragement
Robert

Trish Ryan said...

"Ask without shame"...I've never thought of it quite like that. Brilliant. Please thank Kenny for me!

And I suspect that your late night time in bed with your glasses & the Bible does a lot more to make you the awesome Mom the boys love than if you spent that time vaccuming. I've just never heard anyone say, "I'm so thankful for how diligent my mother was about clean linens..." But I've heard HUNDREDS of folks say, "Thank God my Mom read the Bible...and prayed without ceasing."

You rock.

Jane said...

Lynette,

I really SO miss talking to you. This post really moved me. Lord knows I can relate to every word. I've been dismantling my house for 2 weeks. The move is starting tomorrow. It's been a strange time because so much of my identity was tied to living at that property for so long. I've been looking at and remembering so many things around the house from my married life. This past year has been a nightmare financially with the lack of anything from the ex. I wondered the other day just how in the world I've kept my head above water for the past year or so. But I do know. My faith in God keeps me going. That and a few really good people in my life.

There are days when I have felt so completely brain dead from being a single mom, especially when I realize I never really get a break.

Keep the prayers going, as I know you will. I'll e-mail you with my new number and address.

Much love to you,
Jane

Mary Ann said...

I stop by often to see if you're ok. It appears to me that you are ok because you're still praying. It's if you'd stop praying that I'd worry.

Mary Ann said...

p.s. Dust? The longer you leave it, the better you'll feel when you clean it off. :)