I haven't blogged consistently for so long, I have no idea if anyone still checks this site. For the few who do, I thought I'd check in and say hello.
Being a single mom: I had always said single parents were my heroes. But I said it like you always say things like that. Without full understanding. Kind of like thinking what you might do if a loved one dies or some other tragedy befalls you. You think you can picture it but you can't.
In some ways, it's not quite as hard as I thought. I guess I had thought that whatever made me the single mom would have overwhelmed my world so completely, I wouldn't be able to focus as a mom. So I guess I thought that was where the struggle was. But in my case - you get over the cheating lug. Kind of. God gets me past it. And when the ugliness of it all gets all up in my face again, God's good about keeping me steady.
Right now - this new into it - it's the no-time-for-anything part that gets me. Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a single mom. Stupid, I know. But it's when I look around my formerly pristine house and see a clutter of toys, papers, unfathomable "stuff", that gets me. When I walk by something black, see the dust and can't recall the last time I pulled out the Swiffers. When I walk past that little piece of balloon streamer on the stairs - again - knowing I probably won't vacuum this week, either. When I toss my boys into a tub/shower and am not sure when I last did that. When I get a crap review at work because - bottom line - I can't work overtime. When the boys are bummed because yet another Saturday is spent running errands. When I strip the beds to wash the linens, wondering when I did that last. It's not how I was raised. It's not how I used to do things. It's not how I like things.
My days are filled from the moment I pop out of bed until the moment the boys go into theirs. And then? That's when I know I should get the laundry done, dust, clean my bathroom, pay bills, or whatever else is on my mental honey-do list. I rarely do that. Most nights, I put them to bed, I get ready for bed, I grab my reading glasses & bible and crawl into bed. I read until I start reading the same verses over and over. Then I put out the light, lay down and start asking God to help me. Help me be the mom they deserve. Help me to have forgiveness in my heart for the ex. Help me to keep my job. Help me to keep my house. Help money to appear out of nowhere to pay all the bills. Help me to be ok with just me and God. Help me to make it through if these rumors of layoffs are more than just rumors. Take away the fear, God. Take away my dependence on things, money, houses, this lifestyle. Help me to truly depend on God. Help me to teach my boys the truth about God - not the namby pamby fairy tail version most of us half-assedly believe. Help me to live it. Help me to really believe. Increase my faith. Talk to me. Fill me with your Holy Spirit, God. In such a way that is so real that there is NO way I can have any doubt. Give me a boldness so I'm not chicken to say, guess what, yah, that's right, I believe in God and Jesus and the whole shebang. Help me to stop worrying about what other people think. Help me to have such faith that I don't water down my beliefs - even for family members.
At times, I think he must be so sick of hearing from me. I've been bugging him - pestering him - my whole life.
And then I go to church. I joke with one of the head pastors that I think pastor Kenny preaches every Sunday just to me! This past Sunday, he was talking about the part in Luke 11:9-10, where Jesus is telling his disciples the whole "ask and you shall receive" thing. So many translations lose a very important part of this. It's not "ask once and you get it". The original language there is more like "keep asking, keep knocking, keep seeking." Pastor Kenny used the words "with shameless persistence." Keep asking God - with no shame. Keep asking. This is a God - a dad - who wants to give us good things. It's our persistence that shows A) we trust him and B) we're serious.
It made me renew a few prayers I had kind of given up on. God, take away Pokemon Boy's Tourette's - totally. God, do whatever it takes to make the ex turn and consider you as a viable option. God, save my job. God, save my house. God, help me be that amazing single mom I know I can be through you. God take away the anxiety and depression. God remove these migraines. God, help me find a job working for you. God, use my singing.
I'm not totally over the fear. I'd like the giant band aid of the layoff news to get ripped off so I can just know once and for all. I'm trying to turn everything over to God. I think that will be a life-long effort. But I'm not going to stop asking. I will keep asking, keep knocking and keep seeking. I'm interested to see what God does.
9 "So I say to you: Keep asking and it will be given to you; keep seeking and you will find; keep knocking and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives; whoever seeks finds; and to those that knock, the door will be opened."