Hey Uncle Jim, Save a Place For Me

A couple of hours after posting that last post, my mom called and told me Uncle Jim had passed away that night.

He had a very pleasant last day and was able to say goodbye to almost all his family on the phone or in person. He died surrounded by family. That evening, my cousin posted the following on his CaringBridge journal:

Our Papaw has left this world for a better place. He died surrounded by his family and friends. We thank you for your love and support of our Dad/Papaw. We know that he is going to walk the streets of gold and hang out with Mindy and Jesus. (Mindy was his special dog that loved him as much as we did. ) Thank you Jesus for letting us have such a great Papaw. We love you! [signed the family] CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am encouraged today hearing the plans of all the extended family to get there to love on each other. I think Jim will be happy we will all finally be in one spot together. It's been a long time coming.

All the emails, Facebook posts, texts and phone calls have been so wonderful. My family is very lucky to be covered in so much prayer and love from strangers all over the world.

Easter 2010: My Uncle Jim & Aunt Lucy (center) surrounded by their 4 kids and their families:

Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy. I kind of get that statement right now. I've known how to correctly use it and in the right context. But I feel it. My heart feels soggy and heavy and rather listless.

Our extended family is - I guess - on vigil now. One of the favorite uncles suffered a life threatening intestinal blockage recently. It was touch and go but he's a tough nut and he fought his way through it. Once past the crisis, I'm sure I wasn't the only one that thought, "He's a tough one - of course he came through it!" Even a few days later when the diagnosis of cancer came, I'm pretty sure most of us thought, ok, he will have a rough battle but he'll come through. Even as the battle became a worse struggle, many of us just knew he'd persevere.

We are all preparing for the most likely outcome. None of us are ruling out a last minute miracle from God. Although, I will confess that I am having trouble praying in faith for that miracle. My fearless confident type of prayer starts to wane as reality takes us closer to what I don't want. I'm human. So sue me.

I have fitful sleep. I wake often and all I can do is pray when I do. It feels so...not enough-ish. I often start wondering how my aunt and cousins are all handling this. It's one of those many times in life I want to DO something. Something tangible, physical, real - to help. I know prayer is much more powerful that we know. But being a physical being, I want to move my limbs and affect some kind of relief for my hurting loved ones. Gah.

So there's that.

On a more peripheral front, Andrew, a pastor from my former Boston church, died early this morning. He was young, with a strong young wife and two beautiful little children. He and his wife are both pastors at my former church. His wife was the kind of children's ministry leader that knew the names of every mom that dropped her kids off. And this was a big church. I was always astounded when Val would greet me by name after I had only been going there for a few months.

I kept in the loop through two church friends, L & J, who were close friends with them but lived down here. Again, because of his youth and his faith, I just KNEW the cancer wouldn't take him. But the reports grew more and more discouraging. And the inevitable news came today as I worked.

Again, all I can do is pray for his family and loved ones.

Lastly, I called a long-time Boston friend of mine to sing a wacky happy birthday to her. Fortunately, she picked up and I didn't have to be a total spaz into her voice mail. We had a long wonderful talk. During our talk, she told me she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer two weeks ago. She's a nurse, so I take heart when she said, "If you're gonna get cancer, this is the kind you want to get." Duly noted. If they ask me, I will request thyroid cancer. She is young. That counts in her favor. She had just put a bid on a house the day before her diagnosis came in. When she tearfully asked her doctor what she should do about the house bid, he said, "Buy your house!"

I don't pretend to know why God allows good people to die and bad people to prosper. I fight off the stupid thoughts like, did I just not have enough FAITH when I prayed??? As if I have anything to do with God working his miracles. At the ripe old age of 44 and a half, I can finally say I have read the WHOLE bible. And since it's fresh in my mind, there is a part of me that has a bigger picture. I get that we cannot see God's plan. We can't see his all-encompassing view. These long waits on Earth to join our loved ones that have already passed are blips in his timing. I also know that not every illness is a judgment. Death is not to be feared. But the human me that IS trapped in a physical body, that DOES have to live in time, that misses people - that me has trouble with these events.

But I won't stop praying. And it doesn't derail my faith. I don't doubt God. As I told him the other night, I just wish he'd let me in on it. He will. Someday he'll tell us all how it was and we'll all be like, "OOOOOOOoooooh. So THAT'S how it was!!!"

One thing that really made me smile today was this thought: Today? Andrew got to meet Jesus face to face. Face to FACE, man. Now THAT is something to celebrate.

Mothers' Day is Comin'

Have you ever looked up how many times orphans and widows are mentioned in the bible? There are easily 25 references of the two together. We are told to care for them. Protect them from people who would take advantage. God makes promises to both, together and separately. The measure of someone following God is often taken by whether they are caring for orphans and widows.

I think in today's world, this would translate to making sure we are caring for and protecting those that can't do it for themselves.

So in the context of Mothers' Day, I've been thinking of all the single moms out there. You want to do something truly meaningful on Mothers' Day? Find a single mom and do something for her. Take the judgment out of the whole equation. Or is that only my issue? Don't worry about how she became single. Just look at where she is and what she needs NOW. That's always how God deals with us, right?

Find a mom:

• Find a widow. At a funeral in 2001, a widow touched my arm and told me, "Make sure you stay in touch with [the new widow]. The widow is always forgotten." It's a sad truth as often wives have made their community through their husband's work or life. And I know I've been guilty of not contacting someone after a spouse's death as I was uncomfortable with knowing how long to give them to be alone, etc. Even if you feel weird because you haven't called in a while, reach out now. Just do it. Make the connection.
• Find a divorcee. This is true for every kind of single mom. But since my divorce, I don't have that guy to spoil me on Mothers' Day. I don't have anyone to send me flowers, take me to dinner, dote on me, make me feel special. My kids do cute things - helped by my mom. But every woman wants to feel valued. Since my divorce, Mothers' Day, my birthday, and all holidays are a bit . . . lacking. I'm ok with it. But I tell you, special efforts are especially appreciated.
  
• Find someone who is temporarily alone. Especially those moms who have husbands deployed elsewhere. Or if her husband travels all the time. I tell you, when you are doing it all by yourself but you know you have a partner elsewhere, that is an emotional rough spot. There are so many things pulling at you - worry, resentment, guilt. My friends in this boat have it rougher than someone who's been doing the single mom thing for a full 3 years. You know what I mean?
  
• Find someone who is being pulled away from their home. Do you know a mom who is deployed elsewhere? Send her an email offering to do something nice for her family on Mothers' Day. Work with her family to send her something. Offer your computer so she can do a video chat with her family. Do you know a mom who is nursing an ailing family member? Now THERE is someone that is overwhelmed. Try juggling a family and hospital time (or home care, possibly).
• Find a new mom. Many new moms have their act together. I wasn't one of them. Back in 2000, after Pokemon Boy's birth, a basket of muffins that I would have rolled my eyes at a year earlier became our breakfast for a week. Someone dropping off Chinese takeout one night lifted our spirits. She dropped it off and left. No pressure for us to entertain.
  

Here are some thoughts:

Give the mom a certificate good for an evening or afternoon out. You'll watch her kids on a Saturday afternoon or a weeknight. She can sit at home and watch a movie. She can go out with friends. She can just have alone time. I have to tell you, when my mom does this for me, that is often when I run those errands that I know would drive my kids nutty. Without kids, I can get about 8 errands run where they'd only tolerate two.

Invite the mom and her family over for dinner with your family. It's often so hard for a single mom to find social time and also quality family time. Single working moms have so little time. Any "down" time gets filled with chores and errands. Family time is often that little time in the car while running errands. If you invite the whole family over, you're giving her a break on dinner prep, social adult time and possibly social time with and for her kids, too. Lots of birds with one stone, you know?

Are you handy, crafty, cleany, cooky? Offer help with something she might not be able to handle alone. Ever tried to purge the garage with little kids wanting your time? That spring cleaning doesn't usually happen for single moms with little ones. Maybe I'm alone in this but I find it easier to clean someone else's house than my own. Helping someone get out from underneath that overwhelming task of [fill in task here] might be just what she needs.

When our music director was recovering from brain surgery a few years back, his wife and mother of two wee ones was constantly by his side. So a bunch of us women at church rotated to go over and clean her house. I tell you, it was a really cool way to help. It is one of the ministries I've done that has stuck in my head - more than quite a few others that I've been involved with.

Offer to watch the kids so she can go get a hair cut. Do you know I went more than a year without a hair cut because I just couldn't find the time without kids? And I have help from family and friends. But when you constantly ask the same person to watch your kids, you feel guilty doing it too often. Getting an offer like this would be awesome. Of if you're really set up in life, offer to watch her kids and give her a certificate to a spa that will do her hair and some other spa offering she might like!

Are you a married couple? Ask your hubby to watch the kids while you take the mom out for a girl's night. Sometimes, my neighbor's hubby watches the kids while she and I sit around talking, having a glass of wine. We don't even go anywhere.

While I obviously have a heart for the single mom, ideas like this are great for any mom. Many of my married friends are just as harried as I am. It can be hard to work out breaks for both parents when they're both feeling totally overwhelmed. Juggling your marriage, your job and your kids is a LOT. I tell you, I only have to juggle my job and kids. I am not tied up tip toe-ing around anyone else's issues.

Time is the most precious gift we can give someone. It's the gift more churches wish their members would donate. They crave it more than cash tithes. How many times do we as individuals utter the words, "There's not enough HOURS in the day!"? I'm constantly saying how I wish I could clone myself. Offering your time is way more special than a gift certificate.

Most moms I know would give their eye teeth for some extra hours in the week or some alone time. Not that we don't love our kids. But having alone time is something I never really appreciated until I had kids. Just a few hours in a chunk where you can do whatever you want. Go to a movie. Go clothes shopping where I can actually TRY THINGS ON. Just walk through Target without someone going, "Can we GO yet?!" Drive around. Sit in the back yard reading in the sun.

And I can basically repost this for Fathers' Day next month. I could write a whole blog on how single dads are in an even rougher boat than single moms. In SOME ways. Don't throw anything at me yet. Being thrown into single parenthood usually happens along with some devastating life bomb. Being thrown there without that natural nurturing mother gene is even harder. Just sayin'.

So this Mothers' Day, if you're in a good spot in life where you can give to someone, give some time to an overwhelmed mom. Figure out what she could really use, ASK her what she could really use. Or offer something you know she'd never ask for herself.

Lil'Bro And His Fear Box

I'll try to make this quick as I'm supposed to hit the hay. I've been sick with allergy-induced asthma and all sorts of phlegmy goodness for about a week now. Getting better. But shouldn't stay up blogging.

And yet...

Had to share this gem with you.

Lil'Bro is 6. It's around this age that many kids start wrestling with fear. Pokemon Boy went through a real battle with this that was exacerbated by his anxiety disorder. Lil'Bro seems to be pretty much on par for his age.

He's becoming more aware of the world. He hangs with older kids more than PB did at this age. Simply because he is included in PB's world. He's also more saturated in a peer group at this age than PB was. So he hears all sorts of stuff from other kids of all ages.

One kid on the bus informs him that curses (like in movies) are REAL and can kill you. This same kid tells him days later that there are these certain words that, if you say them? They'll kill you! This kid needs to stop watching horror movies.

Another child regales the after school class with stories of parasites: what they are, what they can do to you (always the worst case scenarios, mind you). She informs everyone on bed-bugs later in the week. She's probably just reciting snippets from her recent viewing of something in Discovery.

Then there are the real worries of little kids like, what if something happens to mom? What if so and so dies? What if lava erupts under our house? What if a tornado hits us?

I don't want my kids to live in fear. I held on to lots of fears as a kid. I had a particular fear of "bad guys". And I'm talking stereotypical cat-burglar types, all in black with the black ski-masks, etc? Oh yah. I would have waking dreams where they'd be standing in my room with a ravenous barking dog. I'd be convinced they were outside my house, holding a single match to the corner of the house to burn my house down. Because I'm sure that's how arson is done. I was terrified of hurricanes and tornadoes. Earthquakes and volcanoes. At one point, I was terrified of the Bermuda Triangle. This, while I lived in New England.

So I get fear. And I get how it can stick to you. My mom told me she never knew to teach us kids how to pray against it. It never occurred to her.

In 2005, my small group specifically targeted fear with in-depth prayer. It was amazing. And when God broke the grip of the paralyzing fear in my life at that time, it really did feel like freedom. Oh don't get me wrong. I still wrestle with fear. Real and imagined. I don't watch the news because of how it affects my boys. But also because it's too easy to buy into the media's biased frenzy. And there are still nights when I leap onto my bed, careful not to let my feet dangle over the edge . . . just in case there's someone or something under my bed.

But now I know how to battle it. God is a God of peace. The prince of stupidity is the author of fear. And he's darn good at it. But he still can't stand against earnest prayers in Jesus' name. Nope.

So, yah. Back to the subject (my hope of brevity once again shattered by my vomitous verbosity).

I've been arming my boys for years by teaching them to pray. I've shown them God doesn't care about fancy words. There's no secret formula to "praying the right way." You just tell him what's going on. You tell him what's wrong or what you're happy about. So I tell them to tell God what's scaring them - just like they'd tell me.

Well, praying against the fear wasn't really working all that well for Lil'Bro. It's one thing to ask for it. It's another to believe it. And it's a whole other kettle of fish to receive it. Especially when you're 6.

I'm pretty sure it was my Boston small group that taught me this visualization. I would package up a problem. Wrap it up in my mind. I usually visualized wrapping it tight in brown paper and lots of packing tape. And I would give it to God. Sometimes I would lay it at the foot of The Cross, asking God to take it from me. Or I'd say I'm releasing it to you, please take it from me.

So with Lil'Bro, I told him that we're gonna box up all our fears and ask God to take them. So we do this thing. We close our eyes and hold out our hands like we're holding the sides of a box. Then I say, "God, we're putting all these fears in this box," [miming putting things in our box]. "We need help because we just can't conquer these fears all by ourselves. But we know you can. So we're putting a lid on this box," [miming the lid] "and we're releasing them to you," [miming handing it out to God]. "So God, we release these fears to you and ask you to take care of them. Because we know you're big enough to handle it for us." That's the general gist of it.

So the other night, we're doing this. And after we released the fear box to God, Lil'Bro said something like, "Let's ask God to give the box back to us filled with [mumble mumble]..." I said, "What?" because it sounded like he said something like toys. And I thought, oh boy, he's getting the wrong idea. He mumbled it again and I said, "Toys?" He goes, "No mom. Let's ask God to return the box to us filled with JOY." Oh my goodness! And here I was thinking he might not be getting the idea. I nearly hugged his head off. "Of course! Yes! Let's ask God to return it to us filled with joy!!" I had him pray that part. Which he did swimmingly. I have no doubt God did so with a big huge smile on his face.

A Total Departure

Blame this one on a tweet I saw from @cbethblog. But she got me to thinking about the English language and how silly our spelling rules are. This was ever apparent to me as I taught my little genius Pokemon Boy how to read, starting around two. He was fine when we'd tell him, "I know what the rule is but this is just one of those weird exceptions." But it made me think what a silly language we have.

cbethblog's tweet made me think about it a bit more than I probably needed to. Hey, I'm home sick. I have too much time on my hands. Sue me.

Here's what I wrote down:

A/a - keep: handles short and long A sounds. Replaces all the vowel combos that try to be long A's like "ey" or "ei".
B/b - keep: handles B sound
C/c - change: we have S and K. We need a letter to handle CH.
D/d - keep: handles D sound
E/e - keep: handles short and long E sounds. Replaces all the vowel combos that try to be long E's. Also replaces any Y's making the long E sound. Just put two E's there or something. E's got it covered.
F/f - keep: handles all F sounds so no more "PH" stuff. And no faking at being a V.
G/g - adjust: handles only hard G sounds like garden or giraffe. No more of this handling J sounds.
H/h - keep: handles H sounds
I/i - keep: handles short and long I sounds. Replaces all the vowel combos that try to be long I's. Also replaces any Y's attempting to handle the long I sound. Just stop it. I has it covered!
J/j - keep: handles all J sounds, taking over for any G's pretending to be J's. Also replaces the need to have the "DGE" combo making the J sound. That's just superfluous and wasteful.
K/k - keep: handles the K sound and replacing the need for a "hard C" sound
L/l - keep: handles the L sound
M/m - keep: handles the M sound
N/n - keep: handles the N sound
O/o - keep: handles the short and long O sounds. Also replaces all occurrences of "AH" trying to be a short O.
P/p - keep: handles all P sounds. No more pairing with H to make the F sound. F has that covered.
Q/q - keep: but ditch the need for the U. What is WITH that? Q can handle it all alone.
R/r - keep: handles the R sound
S/s - keep: handles only the S sounds. No more trying to be a Z. Let Z have that. It has so very few words already. Let it have all the Z sounds, for heaven's sake!
T/t - keep: handles only the hard T sound. No more being the "SH" sound in things that have "tion" at the end. We'll get to the "SH" sound.
U/u - keep: handles the short and long U sounds. Which means there is no longer a need for the double O to make the oo sound. The long U handles that fine.
V/v - keep: handles the V sound
W/w - keep: handles the W sound. And no more of this silly "WH" combo that's just another "W" sound.
X/x - change: we already have a Z sound and the hard X sound can be handled by "KS". We need a letter to take on the softer "SH" sound since C will now handle the hard "CH". So X gets changed to the "SH" sound.
Y/y - keep: but it only handles the consonant pronunciation like in yellow or yard. No more faking as a long E or long I.
Z/z - keep: handles the Z sound. Taking over all the X's faking a Z sound.

We still need letters to handle the soft and hard "TH" sounds. Since I'm out of letters on the normal keyboard, I will substitute the ^ sign for the soft "TH" sound like in "these" or "those". And I will substitute the ~ sign for the hard "TH" sound like in "thanks" or "think".

We also need an "NG" sound as in "thing" or "sang". I'll use the < sign for that.

While we're at it, I think we need some new vowel rules. Have you ever tried to teach your kids rules for reading or spelling? "I before E except after C or when spelled like an A as in neighbor or weigh." Really? Or what about "When two vowels go walking, the first one does the talking"? Really? That's nice for the word "train" but what about the word "great"? And adding an E to the end of a word to make the vowel in the middle long? I can kind of live with that. Although it gets a little murky for words like "taste" or "bathe". It would be nicer to just have different letters - one for the short vowel, one for the longer. But I can't really do that on a normal keyboard, now can I. So I think I'll suggest, if you want a short vowel, you put the vowel by itself. If you want a long vowel, you plop an E right after it.

Let's try out this newly improved alphabet and rules on this sentence (and I've paraphrased it to give me all the sounds I want). Oh this should be good...

Original Silly English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy sheep dog that is thinking of judging cheeses.

New Improved American: ^u qik brown fox jumps oevr ^u laezee xeep dog ^at iz ~eenkee< uv jujee< ceeziz.

See how good that looks? Every letter is making it's own sound and not pretending to be another letter. No more confusion for our preschoolers and kindergartners. No more having to say, "Yah, I know what the rule is but this is just one of those weird exceptions…"

Who's with me?

Ain't Got No TIME!

Grammah-heads, go nuts on my title. I can take it.

I have no time these days. While I was laid off (or vacationing), I had plenty of time. Being a single mom while being laid off (caveat being that I had a full year of severance) was a piece of cake. I recall thinking, "This single mom thing isn't quite as hard as I had thought." This is where all the single parents can laugh at me. Go ahead. I'll wait.

My work day (including prep, drive, work and drive home) goes pretty much from 5:15am to about 4:30pm. Oh I'm not asking you to cry me a river. I'm sure any number of you can one-up me on this. I have no illusions that I'm some kind of unique sufferer here. I'm just sayin'. And if you know my last few decades of work, you'll know I'm used to sleeping in and working flex hours and having help covering the kid care thing. This is quite different for me.

It's not so bad. We've found a rhythm. We're not thrilled with having to get up this early. The boys don't love having to stay away from home for so long every day. Pokemon Boy, in particular, has voiced his discontent with being away from me so often. It's a sad thing to hear even as it makes me feel loved.

Most days I'm cool with this. Having been out of work for so long and then doing the job search in the midst of the hiring hell that was the end of 2009, I fully appreciate my job. But every now and then I'll have a day that reminds me that this is not the ideal plan. There is a reason that parenting is - ideally - a two person job.

It's a weird set of emotions. One the one hand, I Am Woman. Hear Me Roar. Don't sell me short. Because I'm strong as hell and have an attitude as big as my adopted state. Being thrown into single parenthood stretched me. God provided a new and improved spine. He seems to fill my gas tank every time I'm sure I'll pass out. I've been able to handle all sorts of things on my own that, a mere 4 years ago, I was positive I could never do alone! I've got God on my side. Ain't nothin' I can't do.

On the other hand, I'm human. And us humans are good at whining. We're good at complaining. We're lousy at forgiving. We're constantly looking at everyone else's plate to size up what they've got and hey, that's not fair! So as that fallible human, the hard days trip me up. Easily.

Last week, I didn't get a lot of sleep. My house was a cluttery mess. I was barely keeping up with the laundry. The boys were whiny and asking for things as if money grew out of my arm pits. I hadn't read with Lil'Bro in forever - which I'm supposed to do every night and mark in his school folder. I haven't been able to get to the spring maintenance of my yard...or anything else, for that matter. Oh I don't even remember it all but I had a list. I was down on myself. I was overwhelmed.

It was during this load that I had one of those moments. One of those moments where I just mulled over and over how unfair it is. That The Ex had just up and walked out and left all of this on me. There's a whole set of thoughts that go along that theme. None of which show any kind of maturity or grace. Plenty of family and friends would tell me I have every right to feel these things. But you know, it's been...wow...looking at the calendar, it's been 3 years exactly from when the proverbial fan was hit. I can't keep dredging this garbage up.

Anyway, as usual, this past Sunday, God gave my pastor a lesson just for me. Oh, it touched on a lot of things. But the mention of forgiveness and how hard it is - that's the part that stuck on me. I have no doubt that was God's intention.

So my prayer since Sunday is that God can put true forgiveness into my heart for The Ex and even for his girl thing. It's been a prayer off and on since 2007. I imagine it will be a prayer off and on for quite a while. You see, it's one thing to ask for it. It's another thing to mean it. And it's still another thing to actually receive it.

I have no time. Well, welcome to everyone else's reality, chica. I'm over it. I can make the time if I stop wasting it on self pity and all the other useless emotions I allow myself too often.

God has done some amazing work here. But it's a big job. He's not done yet. Thankfully.

Ok, I'm babbling. I'm outtie.

An Update For The Clamoring Masses

Apparently, my fans are upset that I haven't been blogging. And by "fans", I mean my good friend Kristen. But when my "fans" speak, I act. So Kristen, my wonderful friend? This post is for you.

An update on Pokemon Boy finds him well, sassy and tic-free. Or at least, if he has any, I'm not noticing them. I kind of feel weird if the Tourette's thing comes up in conversations. When you say, "My son has Tourette's," the reaction is usually much more severe than his illness calls for. Which is really freakin' wonderful, from where I stand. I mean, yah, you don't notice he has Tourette's? Rock on, God! But sometimes, the conversation arises and that statement must be made.

I have made an attempt to not mention it when he's in ear shot. He has told me that, when I mention it, that's when he feels like he needs to tic. He feels that urge. That itch. So, if I don't keep bringing it up, he seems happy enough to ignore whatever urges or itches the TS causes.

The one tic that has never quite gone away is that Spidey-hands thing. No matter what he's doing, if his hands aren't actively engaged in something, his fingers are moving. I wish I could video tape it and post it here. It's not a wildly flailing or conscious wiggling of the fingers. Like I said all those years ago, the only other time I've seen hand/finger movements like this are with severely autistic and mentally retarded adults when I was a teaching student in college. It seems to be one of those physical repetitive movement things that soothes or calms. Pokemon Boy never seems to notice he's doing it. I notice it when I try to hold his hand and his fingers are moving. I notice when he's playing his Nintendo DS and has to balance it on a knee to free a hand for the Spidey-hands thing. It's very minor. It's extremely benign. And if that is how his body is releasing the need to satisfy that TS tic? Go for it.

In other PB news, his stressing over his advanced placement math class seem to be gone. I really wasn't sure if he'd stick it out. Going from coasting through classes with barely an effort to suddenly having to think and work hard - that's a blow to a comfort hound like PB. We worked at it every day. He complained. I encouraged. There were days when the stress was so overwhelming for him, I wanted to just pull him. But then one day, a few months ago, I remember suddenly realizing we hadn't had any issues with it in a long time.

He doesn't come home with all 100s or all As like he used to. That was hard for him at first. His first B nearly undid him. And it wasn't a competitive anger. He was horrified at the thought that I'd be disappointed. I told him that As, Bs and Cs are completely ok in my world. We endured weeks of conversations full of what-ifs. What would I do if he came home with a C minus? What if he had a D? What if he got an F? I have reassured him over and over that, no matter what happens, if it seems like he's taken a dip in grades, we'd sit down and talk about it to figure out why. I have no idea where this constant worry about punishment comes from. I have to tell you, it baffles me. I come down hard on things like hitting or being mean or . . . I can't even think of anything. But I have NEVER ever said anything about a low grade. I've talked about them. But never punished. So I'm not really sure where this worry comes from.

Over this school year, however, I think he's finally learned that grades are just grades in our house. If they're top notch? Awesome! If they're anywhere under that and are passing? Awesome! I want my kids to have a normal childhood. I don't want them stressed because they haven't mastered differential equations in 4th grade.

I'm thrilled pickles over PB's grades. He has had everything from 100s to something in the mid 60s. The first few horrid grades came within a few months of each other. I think it was the beginning of this school year. His lack of focus meant he forgot everything. He'd leave assignments at school. He'd forget finished homework at home. At first, I'd try to call the teacher or hunt down assignments so he could turn them in on time. I'd drive homework to school for him. Wrong approach for this kid. I finally told him, you have to start remembering. We came up with routines and lists. His teachers worked with me on it. We tried everything. He kept leaving stuff.

Finally, I said, ok. From now on, it's up to you to remember your assignments. To bring them home, to do them and to get them back to your teacher. When you don't? You'll get zeros and you'll have to deal with what that does to your grade. It was hard to watch him get some really crappy grades - knowing full well he'd probably have an A+ average if I had just hounded him. So he went from getting the All A Honor Roll to the A/B Honor Roll. Yah, I know. My life's hard. But for a little kid with an anxiety disorder? This was a huge blow.

So it took a while for him to see that the bad grades were his consequences. I didn't give out any more punishments because of the bad grades. After a shaky few weeks of this, he finally started understanding the cause and effect of leaving assignments at school or homework at home. I'm totally proud to say he has hit the A/B Honor Roll every grading period this year. And he's finally ok with that.

Now, having said all that, let me update you on Lil'Bro.

Lil'Bro is doing awesome. But he's been a bit frustrated with a few things lately. Namely, any time he perceives that he could be doing better at something, he gets frustrated.

For example: Reading. Lil'Bro has no idea that PB was reading little words at the age of two and was reading a kinder reader at age 3. I will make sure that little bit of trivia eludes him as long as I can. Lil'Bro is in kindergarten. And in kindergarten, those huge differences between kids abilities are glaringly evident. All those over achieving kids for varying reasons (only kid, first kid, competitive overachieving parents, true genius, whatever) can make the average right-on-track kids feel like they're behind. I had just assumed Lil'Bro was happy with his progress and didn't really ask him about it.

So the other day, we're watching TV and that "Your Baby Can Read" commercial comes on. Don't get me started. I can write an entire series of blog posts on that kind of early education. But as a service to humanity, I won't. Anyway, he watches that and sees these babies reading. He turns to me and asks, "Why didn't you get that for ME?!" I was like...what? I said, "Honey, you weren't interested in letters or things like that. You were interested in crawling, walking, climbing and running." He flatly stated that I should have gotten that for him and resumed watching TV. That exact conversation due to that exact commercial has happened about 4 times now. Gah.

He has also been frustrated with the fact that he isn't Tony Hawk on his skateboard. He's upset that he can't ride a bike yet. The bike thing is all me. We rarely have the time and I rarely have the back muscles. I need to rent a dad to come teach both boys how to ride their bikes.

Anyway, as my mom pointed out, it's awesome that Lil'Bro wants to excel. I think I have sold him short for many years. I saw PB as the cerebral one. I saw Lil'Bro as the physical one. I remember joking years ago that PB would be the NASA scientist and Lil'Bro would be a famous stunt man. As it turns out, Lil'Bro is a budding engineer. He wants to know how everything works. He builds and takes apart. He loves books on how things work. He loves TV shows on everything from Pluto (which is still a planet in THIS house, thank you) to dinosaurs to robots to space to the Bermuda Triangle (although that last one scared him this evening). The kid is bright. Extremely bright. I probably would have picked up on that much earlier had I not been so engrossed in his older brother's combination of Tourette's and genius.

Ah well, I will never win Mother Of The Year except in the eyes of my boys.

I was informed by PB this evening, as I put both boys to bed, that I am the best mom a boy could ever hope for. Or something to that effect. I think I was leaning on the bathroom doorway, waiting for Lil'Bro to finish up and had just let out a big tired sigh. Does PB have timing or what!

Survival Kits by Pokemon Boy

Monday night, we had an adventure. After picking up the boys from after-school care, we went straight home. We walked into the house through the garage door. My mind doesn't usually register the quick "beep beep beep!" of our house alarm telling us the door opened. But this time, it kept going, "beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep" when we walked in. Pokemon Boy and Lil'Bro came running back toward me going, "WHAT IS THAT?!" Just as I opened my mouth to say, "I don't know," the house alarm went off. Oh my goodness. That thing is LOUD! Shocking and terrifying all at once. The only reason I didn't just wet myself in the kitchen right there and then was because it was still daylight and I knew we'd been having issues with the alarm battery for the last few months.

Anyway, I ran and pushed every button I could think of. Making an extremely long story short-ish, the alarm wouldn't silence. After 5 minutes, the huge alarm stopped. But the control panel near the front door that emits the little "beep beep beep" when doors or windows open was now a non-stop, high-pitched, constant scream. No amount of button pushing changed it. Its volume was almost as deafening as the louder house siren.

The boys were in a mild state of calm panic. Pokemon Boy decided we would not be able to stay in a house with this kind of acoustic pain. He began putting together a backpack full of "everything we would need." I had no idea what he was putting in there. I was annoyed. I couldn't stop this noise and every time I opened the door to let a helpful friend in, the huge alarm went off again.

My wonderful neighbor Mr. S came and disconnected the battery. The alarm kept going. We pulled the screeching siren out of the wall but the wires weren't easily disconnected. We pulled the control panel off the entry wall but those wires were even more complex.

Finally, we abandoned ship. We went to Mr. & Mrs. S's house. They fed us dinner. Our alarm back home blared. As the hours passed and the alarm company didn't call me back as promised, I started wondering where we'd sleep.

After a couple of hours, I went back into the house. I was going to pull every wire out of the wall if I had to. I was going to STOP that noise!!!

I finally got an alarm repair dude on the phone. He walked me through some wiring issues enough to silence the horror. They're coming out to check out a possible wiring problem due to a power surge (thanks to the lightning that day).

After we got home, Pokemon Boy started unpacking his survival kit. Again, I didn't really pay attention. I saw all three of our toothbrushes carefully packed into a Ziploc® bag. It was packed full of a lot of other stuff but I didn't notice what.

Just before heading the boys up to bed, I noticed my chronological bible out on the couch. It's usually on the table by my bed. I asked him, "Hey, what's my bible doing down here?" Pokemon Boy casually replied, "I packed it for you. I figured you'd want it."

As he packed the most important things like Nintendo DSs and precious stuffed animals for his brother and him, he grabbed what he knew I couldn't go without. My bible.

Man, that kid is awesome.

Briefosity (If That's Possible)

I don't have much profundity. Nothing to expound upon. So here are some sound bites running through my head:

JOB:
I still love my job with no end to the honey moon in site. It took Big Ol' Financial Corp about 16 years to kill the love. I'd say that bodes pretty well for me.

KIDS:
Pokemon Boy is doing well. No tics in sight. His anxiety over his advanced math class seems to be gone. Pretty normal school days now. Lil'Bro is right on track. He's starting to read little books to me. They've both adjusted to the schedule forced upon us by my new out-of-the-house job. Pokemon Boy has recently told me on two separate occasions that he's glad I'm raising him. Not sure where that is coming from but I'll take it!

FAMILY:
We've had some big scares with aunts and uncles. I'm "of a certain age" now where the generation before me has big scary medical things. I won't go in to details here as I think it's pretty private stuff. But lots of loved ones are on my prayer list for health issues.

LOCAL:
A very sad and broken man flew a single engine plane into a 7 story corporate building in Austin a week ago today. It was 10am which means all the businesses were in full swing. Somehow, only one person - aside from the pilot - was killed. That's one person too many. But let's be honest - it's a complete and utter miracle that it wasn't a blood bath. Lots of stories like my good friend's step-dad. He should have been in that building. But he randomly stopped for a haircut that morning. A sad and (in my humble opinion) disgusting note is that some skeevy lawyer for the widow of the one victim is suing the wife of the dead pilot. Some ridiculous nonsense about how she should have known and warned authorities. Unless he told her his plans and she didn't act? I don't know what person in this world would EVER think their spouse - no matter how disturbed - could do something like this. I may have a very uninformed limited view. But this lawyer needs to really step out of himself and watch his press release. He needs to see it like the rest of us do. It's disgusting and I hope the judge tosses it out the window. The lawyer with it.

OLYMPICS:
Oh my GOODness, I love the Olympics. I'm so sad for the family of the guy that died on his last practice run on the luge. That was horrific. But I am SO angry at NBC. The night of the opening ceremony, I tuned in early for all the pre-glitz stuff. With my 9 and 6 yr olds watching, they open by showing the video of the poor kid flying off the luge track, hitting the pole and basically dying right there. I watched thinking, "They can't be showing this!" At 6:30pm central, no less. Lil'Bro watched, froze, and said, "Did he just die?" Are you kidding me?!!! Did anyone at NBC consider the emotional impact to their viewers? Did they consider his family's wishes? The Olympic broadcast later made a point of stating they would NOT show the video. But NBC had already done it. And I'd like to shake the snot out of whomever thought that was a good choice for dinner time viewing. Brainless gits.

But aside from the brainless gits, how MUCH do I love curling? And how MUCH do I love speed skating? While curling is completely cerebral and relaxing with only moments of tension as I watch the stone slowly make its way down the ice, speed skating is really keeping my blood pressure at deadly levels! Oh my goodness! As soon as they start, my fists are up under my chin and my head is going further and further back. I can barely breathe until they're done!

I will be happy to watch Heroes again once the Olympics are done. I miss my Peter Petrelli.

Valentine Schmalentine

I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. It is one of those holidays that is usually only good if you have deluded yourself that you're "in love" as I did about every 4 seconds in high school. Back then, I'd send a gazillion carnations in hopes that maybe ONE would come my way that I wasn't expecting. Or would come my way, PERIOD. So in the early days of emotional delusion and low self esteem, it was a yearly study in shattered hopes.

When I got older, I saw it as a waste of money. Why flowers would suddenly rocket in price for the week before was insane to me. It seemed like a crazy waste. When I worked in a local rock club in Boston, that day saw pretty much the same losers getting drunk and hitting on anything breathing. And the same girls crying in the bathroom. Although, thinking about it, that was really a nightly repeating event. But it was more dramatic on Valentine's day.

When I was happily married, neither of us were big on the holiday. We liked to waste money, don't get me wrong. But not because some holiday told us to. So we usually just bought some extra chocolate to gorge on and treated it as just another day.

The last Valentine's Day as a married person was normally uneventful. Unfortunately, in my post-divorce digging, I found that beaucoup of my own dollars had been spent to send his girl thing flowers from the most expensive florist in Boston. So apparently, Valentine's Day is exciting when you're sneaking around and using someone else's money.

You can see how my history (especially the recent history) has created a perpetual disgusted smirk at the mention of the holiday.

Now, when I get a hold of myself and shake off the cynicism and bitterness, I actually like this holiday. And I'll tell you why. Because of relationships and marriages of people in my life that are truly committed for the long haul. They are amazingly in love. They plow through the hard times. They work hard so that any fractures in their relationship are fixed and the foundation stays whole. None of them are perfect and they don't have delusions that they ever will be. But their commitment is rock solid. A sad rarity in today's world - especially the western world.

This week, many Facebookers are posting a status akin to the following: "To celebrate Valentines Day, change your profile picture to you and your spouse/significant other and make sure to tell how long you've been together! Copy and paste this to your profile. [Significant Other] and I have been together for xx wonderful years!"

The first one I saw was my cousin who has been married 22 years. I loved it and hated it all at once. I thought of all the snarky responses I could put. Like a picture of The Ex and his girl thing saying they'd been together for 4 years. My anger is a nasty little beast.

But as I saw more and more of them, I realized, wow. I should be excited and supportive of all of these people who are working to shatter the statistics.

One that particularly thrilled me is my wonderful aunt Brenda. The picture of her and awesome uncle Larry stated they'd been together for 36 years. What is especially encouraging here is that Brenda lived the heart ache of divorce as a young mom. God sent her Larry. He has been the most wonderful uncle. He has been the best dad to my cousins. He has been the most fabulous husband to my aunt. I forget that this was Brenda's second marriage. Because God sent the perfect man to her and seems to have wiped all the awful memories from the general collective memory.

So when the demise of my marriage began, Brenda was one of the people I turned to. And during some of the most painful heart ache - the kind where you actually start thinking you won't physically survive the pain? I would sit there and tell God, "OK...I can wait. I know you'll see me my 'Larry' some day."

My new office mate was laughing with me yesterday. I was telling her how I wrestle with being happy for everyone on this holiday and being a total snarky bitch about it. She said, you know, some day, you'll have that guy God sent and you'll be sitting right there in that chair going, "I can't believe I actually hated Valentine's Day!" She said she can't wait for that day so she can tease me mercilessly. HA!

So I'm snarky and cynical still. I enjoy small periods of that. But in all honesty, I am very very happy for the real love stories out there. And there are a TON. Happy Valentine's Day to all of my friends who have been blessed with real love.

Oh, and you want to see my current Facebook status picture? The response to the whole "post your wonderful picture" thing? Here it is:Caption: "To celebrate Valentines Day, change your profile picture to you and your spouse/significant other and make sure to tell how long you've been together! Copy and paste this to your profile. Clive and I have secretly been together for YEARS! Here I am crashing his photo shoot for the King Arthur movie back in 2004. Oh those were heady times!"

Goodbye Idol

Well, David Pittman is out. But that's ok. He did himself proud.

American Idol 2010

I haven't had time to watch American Idol this season. I generally don't like the initial auditions as I think there is a huge level of disgusting exploitation of some very sad and needy people. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I watched one of my kids get reamed by those initial shows.

Having said that, every now and then, the producers get it right by focusing on someone exceptional. A friend turned me on to the fact that a kid with Tourette's made it through to Hollywood. Tonight, I finally had the time to Google it and found some video of his audition.

If you missed it, Dave Pittman wow'd the judges at the Dallas auditions. Whether or not he has Tourette's, he's good. Now, I just hope he's judged fairly and doesn't get voted through out of pity.

The point they keep making is that his tics totally disappear when he sings. This is very common, actually. I wish I could figure out the brain. But it seems that when most folks with TS are focused on something they love, the tics are minimized or disappear altogether. In the video, I do see some facial tics when he's singing. But they are minimized significantly.

His facial tics and clearing of the throat give you a good idea of how Pokemon Boy can look at times.

I love seeing people with Tourette's have a good shake in the media. Dave seems like a good kid. He's talented. He's also giving a good face to Tourette's. I hope he does well.

The Job Honeymoon

Oh my goodness. I have no time any more. I mean, I have no time to sit and blog the way I used to. Where I can put together some funny and well thought out missive about whatever was on my mind that day. I can barely remember my name. Let me go see what my last entry was and try to update you. What a boring blog. Updates. Meh.

Oh dear. Almost a month.

I still love my job. It's been almost 2 months now. My boss has been cracking up at my over-the-top "I'm so happy to have a job" attitude. Once, we were having a discussion in my office with BossMan and AwesomeTrainerLady. The discussion started kind of hinting at some upcoming stressful times. He looked at me for my reaction. After a pause, I shot both hands up in the air and yelled, "WOO HOO!!! I HAVE A JOB!!!" He cracked up.

I admit, the honey moon is coming to a close. But it's still early in the marriage and I'm still in love. That's my allegory. Sue me.

So far, nothing has changed my opinion that I'm part of a team made up of cream-o-the-crop talent. It's a heads-down kind of place that somehow gets all the work done in only 8 hrs a day. And as I walk the halls, I know not every group is like that. So I appreciate the lack of chit chat from my group and the commitment to getting it done. They're kind, generous with their time and knowledge, funny and can work circles around some of their peers.

Don't get me wrong, there are moments where we exchange stories and get to know each other. But we "git 'er done" in our group. And I'm totally psyched to be part of that. Being able to work for two people that you really respect is awesome, too. The AwesomeTrainerLady is tops, too. Not only am I learning from someone who is awesome at her job, but I'm making a very cool friend there, too.

So right now, it's all good.

Oh! And get THIS - wanna talk about God rockin' more favors! Since I only worked part of December, my first paycheck on Jan 1st was only a partial. So I still didn't know exactly how much I was going to clear after taxes and benefits, etc. I had an estimate in my head based on how most of my last paychecks had gone for...oh...say...22 years. I took the salary amount and took away a third. So I was trying to make a budget based on a much smaller amount than I'm used to. No matter how I cut things, I was still in the red. I was starting to look at cutting out some things I was not going to easily let go of. I was a bit stressed because I thought, man, how will I ever save up an emergency account if I can only put away a teeny bit every month (IF THAT)?!

So at some point, when it really started eating at me too much, I said, "OK God. I really need your help with this. I need you to make this money work for me. Somehow make this amount work for me." And then I let it go. Not perfectly, mind you. I fretted here and there about it. But for the month of January, I pretty much let it go. So on Feb 1st, my first full paycheck went into my bank account. It was $800 more than I had hoped! I mean, SERIOUSLY?! How much does that rock? I sat there at my computer looking at it going, "God you really do ROCK. Thank you SO much!!!!"

And then, I paid a bunch of bills yesterday. I got ready to pay my expensive Cobra coverage (until my new work coverage kicks in on April 1st). I went to the Cobra site ready to pay the $400 and change. I pulled up the site and it said I was paid until March 31st. This is an awesome fluke of timing due to paying full price and when the boys' coverage was moved over to the new plan. So I didn't have to pay this month!!! I might actually put some into savings this month!

It really does blow my mind how much God cares about the little things. I never grew up thinking God was interested in the day to day minutiae of our lives. I mean, with all the global issues around, you kind of think your piddly concerns aren't worthy of his attention. I'm so glad God sent some people to me back in 2005 to kind of set me straight on that point. So yah, there is some really huge global stuff going on right now. And trust me - I pray for that. But I love that my God will listen to my piddly stuff. And he'll take the time to help me with it even while he's keeping people alive in the rubble of an earthquake. He's good like that.

Awesome And Scattered

An update for the new year. That's what I've promised you. The two of you that read this (Hi Uncle Dan!). It's gonna be a bit all over the place. Some awesome things are happening and some stressful times are hitting. It never comes when scheduled, does it!

Let me go look to see what my last real update was. Hold on...

Oh yah. We'll start with the good stuff. So yah, the JOB! Woo hoo! I've been working at the new job since Dec 14th. I still love it. Today, my project manager was amused at my gung-ho Pollyanna "I love my job" attitude. He said, "Don't worry. We'll crush your soul eventually." Not a chance. If my last job couldn't, it ain't gonna happen. So on the job front: awesome job description, awesome coworkers, awesome bosses, awesome project. Yah. I'm diggin' it. Also, they're slowly being exposed to and getting used to my humor. Mwah ha ha ha ha!

New Years was nice and mellow. The Ex was in town to visit the boys. We hung out more than my family would probably want. We are friendly and get along. God has been working some amazing forgiveness into my heart. Also, some compassion. You know, when someone crashes and burns their life - even if it takes a large chunk of yours with it for a while - it's never fun to watch. And the boys love him. So we hung a few times.

The strange thing about hanging with The Ex is our attempts at talking. It doesn't always work but we have been slowly trying to find resolution on as many issues that contributed to our demise as possible. Any of you divorced people know that's a rare thing. Even if the desire to try to find some closure is there, it rarely ever happens. We had some good talks. We have both been able to bring a few things to the table, lay them out, own up to them and apologize. It's not perfect. I can't say I never flare up and toss a few digs at him. But there is a slow process of communication going on here that I know doesn't often happen between exes. And I appreciate it. Just knowing he's not a complete evil horror show is helpful.

My brain is a bit fried right now. I'm not quite used to my new work schedule. I am up between 5-5:30am each morning (and I am NOT a morning person). The boys get up at 6am now - an hour early for them. And the not-morning-person thing is apparently genetic. But we'll adjust eventually.

School is going well. They have their moments. Pokemon Boy had some struggles with going back after winter break. Also, every time his dad visits and then leaves, he has a rough week or two. Hopefully we're over all of that.

We have a lot of family illnesses and injuries happening all at once. I am not really in a frame of mind to go into the details. But there is a LOT of prayer going on in our family at the moment. And of course, prayers for Haiti dominate a lot of my time.

I'm really way too scattered to make this any kind of interesting. I promise to be a bit more coherent and linear in my next post.

Smooches, y'all.

An Aside: My Friend Joe

I have promised a new year update to quite a few of you. I promise I will update soon. But right now, I want to introduce you to a wonderful friend of mine. I don't know if I've ever posted about all my efforts with acupuncture back in 1998 through 2001. The very brief version of the story goes like this:

I was sick ALL the time. I would use all vacation & sick time due to bladder, bronchial and/or sinus infections. I caught every cold, flu or whatever that floated around. I thought it was just my lot.

In 1998, a coworker pointed me to a doctor that had cure chronic bladder infections for his wife. But it was an acupuncturist. Back in 1998, I liked to think I was open minded. Well, like most people, I was open to anything that fit in my small life parameters. Acupuncture was snake oil to me. Fake. A waste of time and/or money. I poo poo'd my friend's information.

A few months later, after one or more bladder infections every month, I asked this guy, "So...what was that doctor's name again?"

Ok, I'm not being brief. I went to Doctor Joe. I was expecting a short Asian dude. I got a tall white guy. I thought it wouldn't work because I didn't believe in it. Thankfully, I was wrong. Joe educated me about the natural electrical currents that run through our bodies. They are supposed to run in certain pathways. When something whacks one or more out of alignment, it can affect the flow of others. So if these electrical currents get out of whack, they can cause any kind of problem. That sounded less hokey pokey to me than I had expected. So, the needles are used to realign the currents into their necessary pathways. That's my take on it. That's "Acupuncture As Explained By A Moron" take on it.

Joe also changed my nutritional intake. Everything you put in your body should be thought of just like any drug you'd take. Everything affects your body in different ways. Even foods. And some things should be cut out for certain illnesses and other things increased. And this changes as your body changes.

So with hard-core nutritional changes (which were the hardest thing I've ever done) and hard-core acupuncture treatments for two years, my body began to get fixed. Not only did my bladder infections disappear (along with all my other recurring infections), my reproductive issues were addressed (I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids), some debilitating head pains disappeared, and I got crazy healthy. I lost 25 lbs in 8 months without changing my exercise. I had energy. I was off antibiotics (which I had taken daily for almost 30 yrs).

Two children I wasn't supposed to be able to have later, I was in great shape.

In 2004 or 2005, I slowly rolled off the wagon and returned to my American diet. Not horribly so. But slowly adding things back in that would undo all the hard work. Here in 2010, I have started experiencing a resurgence of various bacterial infections that I haven't had since 1999. I'm also overweight again. I know why. I know what I need to do.

But anyway, the person that helped me take this journey into a healthy lifestyle was my friend Doctor Joe. He also treated Pokemon Boy as a newborn due to his renal reflux. Pokemon Boy amazed his doctors during those first 4 years because he grew (kidney problems can stunt growth) and his kidneys didn't show damage until he was 3 (which is amazing). Even then, the damage was so minimal, we could have left it alone for a long time and have been fine.

I haven't found another acupuncturist here in Texas. I doubt I could find anyone I'd trust like Doctor Joe. He wasn't just a two-year graduate of some acupuncture school. He studied in Oregon - where this practice really took off in the U.S. He studied in China. He had YEARS of schooling under his belt. And years of amazing successes.

Doctor Joe is an awesome guy. I had referred quite a few people to him when I was in Boston. A few were brave enough to try something new and found healthy lives where they had never had success before.

Doctor Joe recently retired from practice because of his own life events which include his own battle with cancer. I keep in touch with him but he's a very very busy single dad since his wife passed away in recent years.

I love Doctor Joe and pray for him regularly. He helped me so much in my physical life, I keep asking God to somehow repay him for me since all I can do is say "thank you." And that seems so inadequate for the friendship, encouragement and physical healing Doctor Joe gave me.

If you want to read more about my amazing friend, I've just put a link in my left-hand column, just under my little-girl picture. Feel free to go read about my friend. And if you're the praying sort, he sure could use some prayers.

A Blitzkrieg Christmas Update

Sorry for the lack of posting. For the two of you actually reading this, that is.

The job continues to rock. I go in every day, driving down the highway saying, "Thank you for such an awesome job, God!" The people continue to be nothing but awesome. I have no illusions that they're perfect. But they rock and that's evident. So I continue training, reading, starting out some documentation. It's all good.

So after one whole week of work (and only 40 hours, mind you!), I got a 2-day work week for Christmas! Same thing for New Year's week. Only two days. I was joking with my new coworkers going, "Whew! I really NEED a vacation!"

We had Lil'Bro's big birthday party on the Friday before Christmas. We had a great turnout and he had a blast. The next day, most people were leaving or prepping for Christmas so I think we lucked out picking Friday.

Because of my new job in the city, I knew I'd never get up home in time to get the boys to the party in time. So mom picked up the cake and brought that (and the gift bags) to the party place. Then my awesome friend TJ (the one that was recently in the hospital with that scary lung infection) picked up the boys and took them to the party. I got there just in time and everything went perfectly! Thank goodness for awesome family & friends!

I've had a tummy bug all Christmas week. I never yarfed. But felt like it. It's like constant car sickness - I'm hungry but everything I look at makes me nauseated.

My awesome mom watched my boys on Mon & Tue while I worked. On Monday, Pokemon Boy ended the day hurking. He spent that night at my mom's house getting up to yarf about 5 times. Then on Tuesday, mom was driving dad to a doctor's appointment - boys in tow. Lil'Bro announced he didn't feel well and christened the back of mom's minivan. Man, talk about un-fun. She dropped dad off and took the boys home to clean them and the minivan up. Poor mom! She called my awesome neighbor, MissK, and asked her to pick dad up at the doctor. And if I haven't mentioned it before, my neighbors ROCK. She drove over and picked up my dad - no problem. Later, I thanked her and she said, "Hey, that's what we do, right? We help each other." Right on, MissK. Right on.

On the way home from Grandma's, Lil'Bro decided to wear his bucket like this:
Prompting Pokemon Boy to wear his similarly:
Both of the boys and I have been nauseated off and on the whole week. We have moments where we eat normal and then feel like punk. We went to church for Christmas Eve candle light service. I told the boys not to touch babies and to wash their hands all the time. We didn't eat much but loved the service and fellowship of our awesome church family.

Stockings and Santa gifts all set for the next morning.

We were functional enough to have Christmas. That was awesome. But during the present opening, my sinus headache turned to migraine. I caught it with meds just in time, I guess. I napped for 2 hrs while mom again watched the boys. It stayed at a dull roar for the rest of the day until about 8pm. Good times. But like I said - I was functional. Not very. But it could have been WAY worse.

The boys opening their stockings.

Mom & dad avoided the tummy bug (thank you, God!) but mom developed a sinus infection that really knocked her out. So we were all almost on empty.

Today, the boys and I went to use some of their Christmas money and/or gift cards. Then grocery shopping. When we got home, the boys played outside for a while. Now, we're all kind of low and void of color. It will pass. We're just low. Not miserable.

But even with all the pseudo-sick, we had a very relaxed and stress-free Christmas.

Oh - and I'm sick of being nauseated. So I have broken down and taken the advice of my aunt Brenda. My mom's two sisters and their kids swear by the remedy of cider vinegar for tummy bugs. When she first told me to try it, even ice water made me want to puke. So I didn't try it. But today I was tired of this. So I called her and said, "Ok...exactly what do I do?" So while my aunt played Wii, she told me to take a tablespoon of cider vinegar, mix it with a little water and swig it down. Which I did. Not as awful as I expected. I don't know if it's doing anything yet. We'll see. I'm still bloated from who knows what. It seems that any sugar/carb based anything seems to feed whatever bug this is and I bloat painfully. So I sit here typing this with a distended belly.

Ok, I'm off to watch more cartoons with my boys and then get them to bed. I still have to prep the watermelon and cantaloupe for church tomorrow.

Smooches, y'all.

The New Job (A Day Late)

This should have been posted yesterday. But it was crazy and exhausting so I'm posting it today. I'm also cheating by cutting and pasting what I put on Facebook. Sue me.

Monday, Day 1:
Dudes, I hope you appreciate this. I am so friggin' tired. And sore. But very happy. I put down the iPod, got out of bed, fired up the computer and am typing this update because I can't type this much with two fingers.

I woke up at 5:15am. Unless you know me, you really can't appreciate the miracle here. I am not a morning person. I'm not sure who invented mornings. But they were mean and hateful. I got my kids up 50 minutes before they normal get up. And this, after a late (but awesome) night at church.

I dropped the boys off at day care at 6:30am. The boys weren't thrilled about it but they are troopers. They know "mom has a job" trumps "I hate early mornings".

I left the day care around 6:45am which misses the hellish rush hour. I made it downtown by 7:15am. I parked on the 8th floor of a state employee parking lot which I thought had no elevators (this will come to play later).

I got to the orientation conference room at 7:33am - way early. A really cool lady dragged me into her office saying, "Tell me who you are, where you came from and what you're going to be doing here!" She rocked. She must have had like 17 cups of coffee. She was from NYC so we bonded on the north-eastern-chicks-rock thing.

Orientation started at 8am and went to about 11am. We got a quick tour of the building which included some huge room where they were prepping a Christmas party - complete with amazing smelling BBQ!

11:30am - my new boss came to get me for lunch. And proceeds to take me to the afore mentioned really amazing smelling BBQ room. So on my first day, I got to participate in the IT Christmas party. Sweeeeeeeet!

Later, I had to register my car for the free state employee parking (woot!). So I ran up the 8 flights of stairs in the parking lot to get my registration from my car. Well, I ran up about 5 flights and then pretty much dragged myself up the last 3, gasping like the out of shape suburban mom I am.

The rest of the orientation lasted until about 4:00pm. Complete with a video outlining one of the agency's procedures. All my former Big Financial Corporation coworkers will enjoy conjuring visions of all of the "superbly acted" corporate education videos we endured. Seriously, the kids in the Peanuts cartoons can read their lines better than these. It was a hoot. It had this horrid screeching string quartet as the "incidental music". The poor instructor looked like he was going to put knitting needles through his ears. He said he has to listen to that video EVERY Monday. He's a musician and now refuses to play his own violin. HA! Anyway, made me recall many hours of corporate videos over the last 22 years.

I got to see my new...um...office...er...desk...er...converted supply closet ala 'Office Space'. I think tomorrow, I will bring my own stapler and clutch it to my chest all day.

I don't really care. They created a space for me. I share this little supply closet with two other people. The one I met is awesome. I asked her if she was ok with me bringing in my 'Precious Moments' figurines and could she help me figure out where to place them. She laughed hard which gives me great hope.

Also, my new boss is super nice. When I would tell people who I was working for, they'd all go, "Oh he is like the nicest guy!" And apparently knows his stuff. I'm told my new PM is quick thinking, very focused and doesn't like excuses or drama (those last two are his words). I told him I just finished swimming in a shark tank. I can hack it. We'll see if I can still swim.

Everyone I met today seems really nice. I'm sure there are the usual mix of characters and personalities.

The benefits rock. Health, dental, wellness initiatives, optional life and all that stuff. The official state holidays we get off are great. Plus, they just this year started giving "early release" days on a schedule. So you can know that you'll be released after 4 hrs on, say, Dec 23rd. So you can actually PLAN something in stead of being told 3 seconds before it happens. VERY cool.

Clothes are "business casual" but on Fridays, it's "jeans and tennies". I'm quoting. I'm not sure I own "tennies" but my pink Chucks will have to suffice.

I have not been around an IT group this calm in...well...EVER. There are stress times, don't get me wrong. But not like the sweat shops most of me and my IT pals are used to. They don't like you to work OT. If you do, you get COMP TIME! What is THAT about?! I told them, I just finished working for a company that thinks working 40 hrs a week is slacking. Can you imagine? I'm in heaven.

Oh and here's a chuckle: So when I left for the day, I walked up those 8 flights of stairs again. I was dying. As I drove out of the parking lot, I pass a big sign on the wall: "ELEVATOR-->". DOH!!!

So...day one is done. It's a 12 hr day for my boys. That's my only regret. But they'll get used to it and I will make sure the weekends are family time. They're going to let me work 7:30a-4p with a 30 min lunch. I opted for 30 mins in stead of an hour so I could leave and miss the worst of the rush hour and have more time with the kids doing homework and such.

I think this is going to rock. I'll let you know.


Tue, Day 2:
I'm still loving it. I'm being introduced to a gazillion people and only remember about 3. I'm doing a lot of reading and getting overviews from people. Everyone is being extremely generous with their time. Their tools & software are a bit different but similar to what I've used before. So nothing (so far) is making me think I'm out of my element. I just want to do a really good job. This state agency is one of the best. So I want to help by adding to the "cream of the crop" thing.

The funniest adjustment for me today was returning to Windows after a year on a Mac. Outlook is way different since I last used it in...oh...when did we can that? Maybe 2002? But hey, if that's the worst of it, I'll do ok.

All in all - WOO HOO!!!


Thanks to everyone for praying for me. Thanks for all of the encouraging notes on here or in emails. Thanks for the text messages and phone calls today. I did see everyone's texts today but couldn't really justify replying ("Hi, I know it's my first day but let me just reply to my friend..."). And tonight, my bro-in-law and niece just got in so I went from work to day care to my mom & dad's house. Then I got home and tossed the boys in bed. I was in bed before 9pm. But decided to come down and type all of this for those that care for way too many details.

You all rock. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing cheering section!

A Christmas Miracle for Donnie!

Back in May, I told you guys about a friend of a friend named Donnie. He's my age (so mid-40s) and has lived this long with Cystic Fibrosis. Not many people from my generation with CF made it past 20. So he's a miracle already.

Since May, Donnie's lungs have worsened. The prospect of a transplant happening in Boston was getting more and more bleak. His doctors were suggesting he head to Pittsburgh where they do many more lung transplants. So this was what everyone was gearing up for.

Prayers for Donnie were recently renewed and/or stepped up. I know in my case, I started pestering God hard-core!

This morning, I logged on to Facebook to find an update from my friend Michelle saying Donnie had been called in for a transplant and was in surgery!!! Oh my GOODNESS!!! I mean, seriously, what are the odds?!

Since this morning, his family has posted that he made it through the surgery well. I think he's off a ventilator already which is amazing. He will be in a medically induced coma for a week or so so that his new lungs can adjust.

Here's a picture his mom snapped through the glass. It makes it so real for me and - even with all the machines in there - it is the most beautiful and hopeful image!

Right now, we're all praying big time. He still has recovery and possible rejection to deal with. I have no doubt God kept him alive all this time and will carry him through this!

Michelle also very wisely reminded me that we should pray for the donor family. Here we are all out of our minds excited that Donnie is receiving these miracle lungs right before Christmas. This is wonderful news. But when we pause a minute, we remember that these miracle lungs had to come from someone who died. And right before the holidays.

I hope that donor family knows that their loved one's donation is saving a life and bringing untold joy to his whole family. I'm hoping that maybe all of the other donor's organs are also saving other people.

Such a mix of emotions when you look at the big picture. But it renews my desire to donate any of my viable parts when I pass.

Thank you God.

The Job Has Been Approved! WOOT!

So I officially have a job. Well...I guess it's not official until I sign a bunch of papers with HR some time later this week. But today I received the call that the job offer was approved by all levels of approver type people and I'll be hearing from HR soon.

I cannot TELL you what a huge relief this is. This is - in my humble opinion - God rockin' a huge year of blessing. Wanna see?

• I was laid off in January and took the summer off to hang with my kids.
• I used my time off to hone my resume writing & figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up.
  
• I only started looking for a job (for real) in August.
• The average job search takes 4 months and mine only took a smidge over that.
• I only used my "networking" skills twice - which all the outplacement people tell me should have been the kiss of death.
• I applied to about 102 jobs through a myriad of different online job search engines.
• I probably only got phone interviews for 4 of those jobs.
  
• My severance lasted until...well...it would have run out in this next January.
• I've kept my house.
• I've paid off all non-house debt.
• I've been able to fund birthdays for two boys this year.
• I've been able to fund a pretty decent Christmas.
• I have been able to both tithe and give out of my surplus all year long.
• Even when things looked bleak and my hope waned, I knew I had friends and family that would risk our friendships by letting us move in (if the worst case happened).
• All the while, I received phone calls, emails, Facebook comments, etc., from friends, family and blogger pals telling me they were praying. Telling me it would work out. Encouraging me to never give up. I cannot TELL you how much that part mattered. If you prayed and encouraged me? I am asking God to heap huge gobs of blessings on you and your family.
  

I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been scared out of my mind at times. But God never left me. Even when I doubted and asked him just what the heck he was doing.

So God has rocked me a state job with some pretty cool people. And in a state agency that helps the schools. An actual job I like to do, in a city I love, for a company that I feel good about.

I'm not sure how many times I can keep saying God rocks. But he does!

I Have A Job! ...I think...

I've been a bit busy. Thanksgiving was awesome. I hosted my parents, BigSis and her TallGuy. Not having to work is the key to a stress-free Thanksgiving. Or at least it is for me.

The week before Thanksgiving week, I had an interview for a job. Like all of my other interviews, it went well. And like all of the other times, I didn't get my hopes up. I have spent the last few weeks, admitting to God that I'm terrified and full of doubt and really am wondering just what it is He's doing with this whole situation. I fluctuate between absolute faith and thinking he must be teaching me some lesson where I'll have to walk through fire. But I found that finally telling God that I'm really scared and having trouble trusting him helped. Kind of got that guilty feeling off my chest.

So for the week of Thanksgiving, I didn't worry about it.

When this past Monday rolled around, however, I had trouble motivating. I couldn't face having to apply for jobs I didn't want. I couldn't face reading through job listings going, "Oh, I've already applied for that one." So I did what any strong person would do. I climbed back in bed and hid under the covers. If I'm asleep, I can't worry or feel guilty. I ignored my constantly vibrating cell phone. And when my house phone rang, I almost didn't get up to answer it. Almost.

I answered the phone to hear the nice man who interviewed me last week. He proceeded to tell me how well I had done in the interview and subsequent test. And would I like the job? Hmmm...would I like a job...let me think about that one. I nearly screamed! Yes! I'll take it! He told me a little bit about it and could I fax him this or that. I honestly don't remember what he said because I was busy silently jumping up and down.

I called my parents. I called BigSis. I posted it on Facebook. Everyone I knew was informed within the hour.

But I may have jumped the gun.

You see, when they offer you the job, it would seem that you have the job. Not so. When they offer you the job, you have said you would like the job. Then they have to see if upper management will approve it. This is where one previous job offer tanked on me a few weeks ago. When I realized this, my heart kind of sank again. But not too horribly. God's got it. This one really does seem like it's a done deal. But until I have it in stone, I'm not counting any chickens.

Yesterday, I went in to meet with my potential future 2nd-level manager. It went well, I think. So hopefully the approval process has moved up to the two people above him. They wanted me to start this coming Monday. I'm not sure they can get the approvals and paper work done in time. But I'm operating on the assumption that, come Monday, I will be sitting in traffic, honing my road rage skills.

So...I have a job! Kinda...

Spoiler Alert!

Do not read this if you believe in Santa.

Many moons ago, The Ex and I decided that we'd let the boys believe in Santa as long as they wanted. But if they ever ask outright, we'd tell them the truth.

When Pokemon Boy was little - like somewhere around two and a half - he visited a mall with a professional Santa. A few days later, he saw another Santa. Totally different. When the man said hi in character, my little 2 yr old genius recoiled, pointed and said, "You're not Santa."

Around the age of three, he asked if Santa was real. We told him, no, he's not. He's a nice concept and it's fun to be generous and pretend. I don't really recall what we said. He was very ok with the answer. So we assumed that Christmas, we'd be Santa-free. But as Christmas rolled around, he kept asking how Santa would get in (we had no fire place). How would he find us (we had just moved to a different town). The Ex and I just shrugged and went along with his selective memory.

He was five when we moved to Texas. That year, he asked again and again we told him Santa wasn't real. That one took. But we told him how we like to pretend and still leave cookies out, etc. It didn't ruin anything for him. He still loves his stocking. He still loves his big Santa gift by the fire place.

SO...along comes Lil'Bro. As we kept the myth alive for Lil'Bro, PB would mention Santa-type things and give me a wink. My co-conspirator. Too funny.

Last week, Lil'Bro asked me, "Mom, is Santa real?" I asked, "Do you really want to know?" "Yes," he replied. PB came closer - preparing to do some damage control. "Well, honey," I began, "no. Santa is not real." Lil'Bro's face blanched. A look of pain brought his eyebrows together. A little piece of my heart broke. Oh man, look what you've done. I answered so matter-of-factly. PB had no issues either time we told him. He was like, "Hmm...interesting." Not so with Lil'Bro.

Both PB and I tried to reassure Lil'Bro that it's ok and how we can still pretend and it doesn't change any part of the holiday, etc. His pained look didn't change. I said, "Are you ok with this?" He shook his head. "I just want Santa to be real," he said in the saddest little voice. I said, "Honey, you can believe whatever you want."

A few minutes passed. Then Lil'Bro started asking PB and me questions about Santa. So apparently, he decided to discard the painful and unacceptable information. I can respect that. Sorry. I don't like that information. I'll just put that right over here [plunk] and move on.

So the week has passed with many questions about how Santa makes it all the way around the world in one night. How does he know which presents go to which house. How does he get in with no chimney.

When he's ready for the spoiler, he can ask again.

A Rough Week for Pokemon Boy

Pokemon Boy is an awesome kid. He's loving, empathetic, creative and silly. Unfortunately, he inherited a double sided whammy of anger and worry. Both his father and I have had our issues with temper tantrums. Some as kids, some as adults. And we're both pretty big worriers.

This week, PB has gotten his Nintendo DS and computer put off limits for 4 days. Then two more days were added. Then he got grounded for the first time ever. For a week. He will also have to do some kind of "community service". He'll help his teacher after school on Monday for one piece of it. And for the other, I'm not sure. I'm toying with having him pick up the dog poop from a neighbor's yard.

This is just a ton to dole out in a week. At least for PB. He very rarely does things that actually require consequences beyond losing his DS for a day.

The first incident came on Monday. He was told to put away the laptop in class. When he didn't, a friend started to do it for him. The friend didn't realize that turning off the laptop just lost PB's unsaved work. PB lost his cool and pushed the friend, yelling "I wasn't done with that!" The email I got said he hit the friend. But in school, pushing or hitting, it ain't cool. So that lost the gaming screen time (DS/computer) for 4 days.

On Wednesday, he had to skip recess to make up 2 assignments that he had forgotten and left in his desk. When his teacher told him he'd have to work through recess, he had a big anger thing. It was bad enough where she had to escort him to the library for study time (he usually goes on his own with no problem). So for this one, it was two fold. We've been working on remembering to bring things to and from school. Nothing was working so a month ago, we agreed that, for each assignment or thing he forgets to bring home or take to school, he'd lose gaming time for a day. Since this was involving two assignments he left in his desk, he got the added 2 days of no gaming screen time. For pitching a fit that required his teacher to escort him to study time, he is doing the "community service" of helping her in her classroom after school on Monday. I actually think he'll have fun doing it. But he's worried about it so it fits the consequence bill for me.

Then, Friday, he told me that he had another physical altercation with a classmate. It was the classic "Hey, I was here first" thing when getting lined up. PB actually thinks he may have been wrong so he felt doubly bad about it. But he ended up shoving the classmate. And this just after we'd had a talk about this. I told him that, since we had just addressed this in the same week and the gaming loss wasn't driving it home, I grounded him for a week. In my house, laying hands on another kid in anger will not fly. You can call me wimpy or over-reactive. Knock yourself out. But in my house? Boys will be boys. Boy will NOT be little hooligans.

I watch little boys pummel each other on the playgrounds all the time. In school, too. I know teachers ignore quite a bit of it. But I also see an unspoken agreement between those boys. It's part of their play. But PB is not a pummel-player. We have never allowed anger-based hitting or pushing. I would never allow another kid to do it to either of my boys. I certainly won't wave this off when he's pushing another kid just because he can't control his frustration.

We talked a long time about how the gifted math program is stressing him out. I asked if anything else was stressing him out - waiting to see if he mentioned missing dad or my being out of work. But in his conscious mind, the advanced math is what's frustrating and stressing him out the most. I do wonder, though.

My brother-in-law, TallGuy, mentioned to BigSis that PB's recent issues with stress and anger are classic child-of-divorce stuff. I hate to admit it but I definitely think that's a factor.

Each time we've had to address any of these issues, his self-esteem has been in the toilet. Each time, he is a mess of worry. Worry about how angry I'm going to be. He told me that, every time he gets in trouble, he thinks this will be the one that makes me really really angry. He actually told me once that he wonders if each time he's bad, this will be the one that makes me stop loving him. When I started one of the discussions this week, I said something like, "PB, we need to talk about..." and he quickly added, "...that I'm a bad kid." He really has an amazingly low self image at times. And other times, his ego is off the charts. I don't really understand it but I do. If that makes any sense.

Someone recently told me he just needs to stop being so overly dramatic and move on. Yes. There are times when he's just being the drama king. But these other times - like this week - it's real. And it's deep seeded. I'm not going to ignore this and expect him to just move on. He's nine. He's in a world of stress. Even if some of it is created in his mind, it's real to him. And while I won't enable it, I won't ignore it.

I'm praying a lot. I don't have all the answers. I get good feedback from friends and family. But as anyone knows, even the best advice may not fit you perfectly. I really want God to show me exactly how to be the best mom for PB. I want PB to enjoy this advanced math opportunity. I want him to appreciate that not everyone gets this chance. I want him to know he's special without becoming arrogant. I wish he could see himself the way I see him.

This is quite rambling. Sorry.