Monday, September 24, 2007

Physical Realities

Starting this past Saturday, future ex and I have actually been dividing up the actual physical property. And it's not just a one day job. This will last a while. Going through the myriad of CDs & DVDs. Pulling pictures off the wall. Begrudgingly giving up a very few things from my kitchen. Is this your book or mine? It's a necessary evil - I really do want all of his stuff gone. It will help me in the moving-on department. But the reality of the blank walls and missing furniture sucks. And I have to verbally tie it all up in happy bows, complete with bunnies and unicorns for the boys. Oh don't worry about that table. You'll see it at daddy's apartment. Those pictures were daddy's so you'll see them there. Smile smile smile.

I mean, up until now, "divorce" has been more conceptual. Since the papers and legality of it all is still in the works, the only difference has been that daddy's gone (and mommy's wrestling to keep all sorts of negative emotions at bay). But now, these gaping holes in my home's decor...rather a jolting reality.

But as my counselor pointed out, the reality of those items being gone is helpful to me. Having constant physical reminders of him is not helping me. In all honesty, I want to sell my bed. For a while, I didn't even like sleeping in it. Represents too many lies to me. And how do you ever bring another man into that particular bed? Not that I'm looking to do that any time in this decade. But really - I wouldn't want to sleep in someone else's marriage bed. Or is that just me.

Anyway...blank walls. Yah, I know. An excuse to go shopping. Well, I'm one of those loons that doesn't want to just spend what I don't have yet. So every blank wall or space reminds me...oh more thing to save up for. I rather thought I had passed this phase - of piece-meal furnishings. Half-finished houses. That's something I thought I had left behind.

New beginnings...blah blah blah. Having trouble seeing the "yippee" in things right now.

Divorce sucks. Avoid it if you can. You can start by not marrying the wrong person. Don't settle. Don't make excuses and convince yourself that the wrong one is the right one. Start well and you'll have a better shot at finishing well.

I don't know what I'm talking about.



Sarakastic said...

That sucks. You could go to walmart, buy canvases for cheap as free, get some acrylic craft paints for like .44 cents & then just see what happens. I know about a bazillion ways to create modern art that are really easy & fun. Seriously, i see popular prints that are just a patch of blue with a patch of brown underneath.

I've always wanted to try the one where you have balloons filled with paint hanging on a canvas & then you throw darts at them. I know that the empty spots on the wall were more metaphorical lol but I'm more literal. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I rock at naming modern art.

Mary Ann said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary Ann said...

You absolutely do know what you're talking about. I ignored the voice that said "ok, if I'm making a mistake I can always rent a moving truck and move him out of the house" as I was moving him IN. How dumb is that?? (rhetorical question haha)

On a positive note: one alternative to the blanks on the walls and the budget issue is simply to move stuff around, switch the layout, move pictures from one room to another, etc. (What's the word I'm looking for...not redecorate...)

Interesting: I was looking in the Visual Thesaurus for the word to use instead of redecorate and a synonym for redecorate is "grace". Hmmm. They mean grace as in beautify but it reminds me of the spirituality of our rooms...and makes me think that perhaps you're making room for a new spirit, a new feeling, to enter.

Hang in there, better times are ahead. I do believe that.

Beck said...

Best wishes as you enter this new time in your life. I don't think you can hold your former bad choices against yourself - you did the best you could at that time with the knoweldge that you then had.

Kristen said...

Ugh. This divorce stuff just totally sucks. I honestly think I would sell the bed, too. :-(

I have a suggestion for the walls, though. You could frame the boys' artwork. I've started framing R's artwork, and it looks GREAT! I did it at first just to save space because he makes so many paintings and drawings at school and home and I can't bring myself to throw anything out yet, and I really love it. IKEA has some great big wooden frames for like $12 each that fit 8.5 x 11 pieces of paper - and they come with a mat. (I also found nearly identical frames at the Christmas Tree Shop for half the price.) I usually look for paintings that have a similar look or style to them, and then frame a series of them. I'll take pictures and send 'em so you can see what I'm attempting to describe.

You could also just find some old funky frames at a thrift store or antique shop and hang the empty frames (not the backs). I've seen that look really nice.

Or, you can try to think of it like I try to do with my house (which still has many bare walls after 4.5 years!). That the walls are a blank canvas - just like your life can be. You'll be filling them gradually as you make new, fun, wonderful memories with the boys, your family, and your friends. Maybe it will feel like more of a new beginning then than a loss.

Of course, now with future ex not holding you back, you could go super nuts hanging up sappy Christian plaques and sayings! ;-)

Love you!

j said...

you could turn entire walls into paint-by-number canvases and let your boys have at it. I've always wanted to do that, but i'm pretty sure my landlady would kill me.

LEstes65 said...

Sara - makes me think of those trading spaces episodes where they make "art". Mine would be awful.

Moanna - love the "grace" concept. I need that thought today.

Beck - my counselor says we all hook up with people because they fill a need we have at the time. So yah, I hear you.

Kristen - you rock. Good ideas. I have some of Liam's stuff framed in his room. I will have to pilfer his collection!

Wanda said...

Oh hard this must be and how brave you are. This may be a stupid thing to offer, but if you would like one of my watercolor prints matted and ready to frame...I would love to gift it to you.
Email me if that is a possibility.
Love and Hugs

Angela Marie said...

That has to suck!
Lynette, if I was with you... I would pick you up and take you to Wal-Mart, let you pick two colors of paint.I would help you paint your walls (in your bedroom too). Start with that.
Then I would take you and the boys somewhere fun and take candid shots of you with them. Frame them and put them through your home.

I know it is a pain.. I can only imagine. You didn't ask for this or want it. You wanted a marriage.

I love you
Get that new bed... (I would not sleep in my husbands and his first wifes bed. We slept on the floor for a month until we saved for a new bed).

Jane said...


This is a true story: when my ex and I decided to get divorced, he came home one day with 2 packs of little round stickers (like the ones you put on things at a yard sale). He told me to pick yellow or red and walk around the house putting said stickers on the things I wanted to keep. I said, "you can be sure that I won't be putting one of these on you!".

The day he moved out, half the furniture was being crammed in to a moving van and going down the driveway. It felt sad, but guess what..... it actually gave me a chance to organize what was left. I also decided to get rid of the ex-husband bad karma by switching room around in the house. It felt like a whole new place after I was done. Then, my boss and a few of her friends came over and did a house blessing with sage and smudged all of his negative energy out!!

Allie said...

I think you know pretty well what you're talking about! Yours has been the best advice I could have received the last few months in terms of not settling for less. It's been weird to see most of my friends already hooked up or hooking up with guys and wondering why I haven't met anyone who remotely resembles a boyfriend, let alone Future Marriage Partner. So it's been encouraging and helpful to know that I'm actually doing the right thing not plunging into romance for the sake of it.