Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Ugh

Couldn't think of a snappy title that covers this. So I leave it at that.

This weekend, the boys' father will be leaving to move back up to Boston. That's about 2000 miles away. While I think that, eventually, the boys will be fine and not much will change, I also realize that his actual goodbye and departure will be traumatic for them. It bothers me on a level I hadn't thought it would. But they still adore him and can't understand why he would leave them. Pokemon Boy is being extremely brave and saying things like he'll go visit dad and it won't be that bad. But I'm not looking forward to this weekend at all. I'm not looking forward to the potential tears and hurt my boys might feel.

Anyway, I have a myriad of feelings about the subject. None of which are healthy to bare here. But suffice it to say, the actual physical departure of the man and his truck load of stuff bugs the crap out of me. It's the physical manifestation of his abandonment of his family for this other woman. Makes me sick.

And the other shoe will drop in late July. I finally have the court date for going and signing the papers. Which is the physical manifestation of the death of a marriage that I thought would last until one or both of us died. I thought I'd be all "Woo hoo! Let's party!" But I'm not. When I got the letter from my lawyer giving me the date, a funk settled over me and hasn't quite lifted. It feels damned close to depression. I'll just call it mourning. I still can't believe it's happening.

Last night, I had all sorts of weird dreams. Dreams that dealt with wanting to be loved, moving, insecurity, impermanence, cheating. Lovely lot, that.

I have small group tonight. I wish I could spend the whole day with my small group. I feel like going there tonight, curling up on the couch and just being...whatever. I'm usually the Pollyanna cheerleader - the gung-ho, God-rocks! girl. And he does rock. I just don't have the pom poms out right now. Which is another reason God rocks. He doesn't care if my pom poms are at the ready. He doesn't need me shiny and happy all the time. He doesn't expect it. He's totally ok with my little gray cloud hovering overhead. He's totally ok with me wallowing in it for a bit. A BIT, mind you. I have no doubt that, if I wallow too long, he'll send someone to thwack me upside the head. But for now, he's surrounded me with awesome loving people.

And I know he's got my boys. They're covered. They might have to feel some pain this week. I know I will. But God's got their backs, too.

Ugh.

8 comments:

Rob said...

Thanks for sharing your mind. I know it must have been hard to express your feelings. I have some encouraging words here

http://compassthoughts.blogspot.com

Your right Lestes65 about the pom poms...its okay. I will keep you in my prayers.

Kristen said...

Let the others in your small group wear the pom poms tonight. Praying for you now, and always.

Sarakastic said...

God will get you through this, He always does, but you already know that. I agree that wallowing time is needed.

Carol Beth said...

My beautiful friend! I have become blog-addicted recently and remembered...HEY, my friend has a blog! I even remembered the name, and Google obligingly found it for me. So--here I am, and on your rough day I want you to know how much I love you and how glad I am to have such an open, honest person as a "real life" friend and now also a friend in the blogosphere.

Oh, and I've got one now too so if you want to waste a few hours (yeah, I'm verbose too), please do check it out. You will get a kick out of my most recent post since you know Jason.

See you tonight. Keep those pom poms at home; we just want you to be wonderful you. And we don't need long, narrow pieces of static-y plastic shedding all over the pastor's house anyway.

I'm even verbose in my comments, apparently! Sigh....

Beck said...

It will get easier, I think - but I can't imagine how hard it is right now. God bless you guys.

JenKneeBee said...

Ugh is right. But you'll pull through with your amazing family, friends, and of course, God by your side.

ellesappelle said...

Eugh, that just about expresses it. I hope the boys don't find it too horrible. And you.

Kendra said...

Praying for you and your sweet boys. God is good - He will get you through all the junk - hopefully sooner than later. That light on "the other side" - it's good. I bear witness (as the kid, you know). Love you.