Ugh

Couldn't think of a snappy title that covers this. So I leave it at that.

This weekend, the boys' father will be leaving to move back up to Boston. That's about 2000 miles away. While I think that, eventually, the boys will be fine and not much will change, I also realize that his actual goodbye and departure will be traumatic for them. It bothers me on a level I hadn't thought it would. But they still adore him and can't understand why he would leave them. Pokemon Boy is being extremely brave and saying things like he'll go visit dad and it won't be that bad. But I'm not looking forward to this weekend at all. I'm not looking forward to the potential tears and hurt my boys might feel.

Anyway, I have a myriad of feelings about the subject. None of which are healthy to bare here. But suffice it to say, the actual physical departure of the man and his truck load of stuff bugs the crap out of me. It's the physical manifestation of his abandonment of his family for this other woman. Makes me sick.

And the other shoe will drop in late July. I finally have the court date for going and signing the papers. Which is the physical manifestation of the death of a marriage that I thought would last until one or both of us died. I thought I'd be all "Woo hoo! Let's party!" But I'm not. When I got the letter from my lawyer giving me the date, a funk settled over me and hasn't quite lifted. It feels damned close to depression. I'll just call it mourning. I still can't believe it's happening.

Last night, I had all sorts of weird dreams. Dreams that dealt with wanting to be loved, moving, insecurity, impermanence, cheating. Lovely lot, that.

I have small group tonight. I wish I could spend the whole day with my small group. I feel like going there tonight, curling up on the couch and just being...whatever. I'm usually the Pollyanna cheerleader - the gung-ho, God-rocks! girl. And he does rock. I just don't have the pom poms out right now. Which is another reason God rocks. He doesn't care if my pom poms are at the ready. He doesn't need me shiny and happy all the time. He doesn't expect it. He's totally ok with my little gray cloud hovering overhead. He's totally ok with me wallowing in it for a bit. A BIT, mind you. I have no doubt that, if I wallow too long, he'll send someone to thwack me upside the head. But for now, he's surrounded me with awesome loving people.

And I know he's got my boys. They're covered. They might have to feel some pain this week. I know I will. But God's got their backs, too.

Ugh.