A Love Letter

Dear [every restaurant that facilitates online delivery],

I love you.

I love you with every lazy fiber in my soft doughy body. My sand-blasted sinuses thank you. My gray, pasty, mouth-breathing face thanks you. My vice-gripped forehead thanks you. But most of all, my hungry boys thank you.

Yours forever,

The Chick That Just Ordered Two Pizzas

Reason #42 Why BK Beats McDs

I know way too much about fast food in my area.  When you have a major life tragedy and you have kids, one thing you might do (I mean, I've read that people do this) is do take out.  All the time.  For a long time.

It's disgusting.  But it's a coping mechanism I utilized for the better part of 2007 and a good part of 2008.  Until finances started running dry and I did the math on how much I spent even on cheap fast food.  And nearly threw up.

Blah blah blah fast food is evil and I'm just lucky my kids weren't already fat little porkers and could handle lots of it.  Lately, I have been making food at home.  Fast food or eating out at all is back to being a luxury or treat (thank you mom, dad, BigSis and her TallHubby).

So last Tuesday, I was having a day with Lil'Bro at home (he's home from preschool this month so we can have living money until the severance check comes).  For lunch, I thought, let's splurge and head to our local Burger King.  It's right around the corner.  Dangerous proximity.  But they have a great little game room and it would give him some fun time out of the house.  I knew it wasn't the best use of my tight expenses but went anyway.

As I ordered my big splurge of a meal, it rang up to $7 and change.  No biggie.  I was about to swipe my card when the manager walked over saying, "Hold on," to the cashier.  He pushed some buttons and told her, "She comes here all the time.  I want to take care of her."  Lil'Bro and I had a nice lunch to the tune of $3.00.  This guy didn't know I had been laid off.  He may have surmised my single motherhood over the months.  But still.  I thought that was pretty cool.  As I sat there eating my spicy chicken wrap, I kept asking God to bless that guy.  Just give him some kind of huge blessing that he'd know was totally from God.

I just love things like that.  Just random acts of kindness.  Reminds me that there are lots of people out there who know how to show God's love.  Even in little things like cutting a junk food meal's price in half for a laid off single mom.

So not only is their meat better quality, but their workers consistently take care of me and my kids.  From bringing a dancing Lil'Bro a crown because he was the king of dancing, to letting my kids trade their Kids Meal toy because "I already have this one," to letting my boys substitute Chicken Fries as a Big Kids Meal.  BK beats McDs.

My Newest Favorite Treat

Chili pepper infused chocolate?  Are they kidding me?  YES PLEASE!

Yesterday, while perusing through my local gourmet chocolaterie (I call it "Walmart"), I came across this fun little nugget.  I love chocolate.  I love chili peppers - most of them anyway.  I've heard of this combination for a long time and have never run across it.

Today, I tried a bit.  I bit into my first square wondering what it would taste like.  I think I was expecting the chocolate to taste like my chili.  I'm thinking cumin won't taste as good with chocolate.

Anyway, to my delight, it doesn't taste like my chili.  It tastes like chocolate.  I thought, "So where's the chili flavor?"  I didn't so much taste the chili as feel it.  It had a nice spicy after taste.  Or...after-sensation.  My mouth was all spicy.  My stomach felt it - in a good way.  I love it!  It really is good.  I highly recommend it.

Raise Your Hand If My Mom & Dad Rock

All of your hands should be raised. So get 'em UP there, people!

Let me just tell you how much my parents rock.

While the boys and I were in New England for two weeks, mom & dad kept an eye on the house. They took in the mail and let my bug guy in to spray. When I got home, my house was picked up and vacuumed. That nutty mom.

After getting home, I did my finances and realized I didn't have enough money to pay for the boys to go to day care for the rest of August. I was trying to decide whether to ask for a loan from my parents or to just keep the boys home. The former means debt - yah, I'm all set there, thanks. The latter means the boys would spend a mind-numbing 2 weeks in front of the TV and distracting me from work. Yick. My mom must have sensed I probably spent much more than I intended in Boston. Because that same night she said that she and dad had been thinking. Maybe they could just take the boys for the rest of the month. Normally, I would poo-poo such an idea. But I needed the help. So I took them up on it.

So for the past two weeks, mom has come over to pick up the boys, fed them breakfast & lunch and entertained them all day. I'd pick them up and they'd have a fort built in the living room with chairs and sheets. Or they'd be watching TV (which means dad couldn't watch the news). Or they'd be getting computer time on my parents' computer. That's a lot for my mom to take on. And also, when I'm 80, I doubt it will be real easy for me to have my space invaded every day for 2 weeks. Dad was awesome about it but I think it was a stretch for him.

On top of all of this, my mom would call up on days where she could tell I was getting pounded at work. She'd say, "How about you guys all eat dinner here tonight?" I tell you, when you need the help and someone sincerely offers it? It's just the most amazing feeling. So, very frequently, I have had full on home-cooked meals. I mean, meat, veggies, a full salad, some kind of bread. That's like Thanksgiving every DAY to me, folks!

The topper came today. On Sunday, I noticed things in my fridge were rather cool. Not cold. Cool. I thought perhaps I had left the fridge door cracked open while I went to church. But I had a feeling it was more. This morning, after cranking the dial up to coldest all night, it was still rather cool. And the freezer was cold. Not frozen. ARGH.

Mom came to get the boys and I was already pounding away at work. I told her quickly about my lack of cold food. She offered to call GE for me. Honestly, if she hadn't called them, I don't know when I would have had time to. And I'd have a fridge/freezer full of tepid bad food.

Mom got the model & serial numbers, called GE, told them the issues and made an appointment for tomorrow morning. Then, she called to offer a cooler full of ice and freezer packs. While she drove over, I called my next-door neighbor. She's a wonderful person and a good friend. I was hoping to just get a smidge of fridge/freezer space for my most vital perishables. Well, she has a full fridge/freezer in her garage that she uses to hold bottled water for her walks & workouts! It was EMPTY. And since I care for her dogs while she's gone, I have the code to her garage. She said, bring over your food.

So who do you think brought all the food over? Guess. Yup. MOM. She got my laundry basket and little red wagon and brought it all over there, load by load. And she brought me the ice chest so I could keep some milk and juice here for the morning.

Who's got the best parents in the whole freaking world?! That's RIGHT! BOO yah!

Oh and on a side note? My neighbor and I have decided we've stumbled onto the perfect weight-loss plan. It's called, "Move Your Food Over to Your Neighbor's House". Because after only an hour of the food being over there, it kept me from having ice cream I didn't need and from putting heavy cream in my coffee. We were joking that we might just switch out all our food. I mean A) you'd want to look healthy so you wouldn't want to store Oreos and Lindt dark chocolate at your neighbor's house. You'd be all [ding dong], "Oh yah, I was just stopping by for, like, four carrots." B) Even if you did have no shame and kept all the junk food, you wouldn't want to bug them every 15 minutes when you get bored or frustrated at work. So you'd only get the necessities like twice a day. It would keep that evil snacking thing way down. Yah, we're pretty sure we're on to something here.

Let the Farting Begin!

Now there's a classy header.

Ok. We ate some of the chili. And either I have a magic stock pot that replenishes whatever you take out or I made 952 gallons of the stuff and we didn't even make a DENT. I had 2 servings. Mr. Neighbor had at least 2. Mrs. Neighbor had 1. Neighbor Boy had...I think one...possibly two. Neighbor Girl (also known as Her Royal Highness of Drama) didn't have any - along with my boys. They all had hot dogs (gasp!). The Boy used to love my chili. He'd look like an extra in a horror movie after a bowl of it. Lil Bro was the same. Then one day they announced they didn't like it. More for me and The Neighbors.

Seriously, I have enough to feed the rest of the 'hood tomorrow! Two other neighbors bailed at the last minute so they'll get theirs delivered tomorrow. Maybe I'll just go around knocking on doors with little disposable plastic containers full of chili. Whoever is home (and isn't afraid to open the door) will win a container full of farts. I mean CHILI.

It was good. And since I haven't been eating much, my stomach is wondering just what I've done to it. I've been eating very little servings of everything (I wish it was a lifestyle change but it's nerves). So I had 2 huge bowls of chili, 2 flour tortillas, lots of cheddar and a Coke. Yah...I look pregnant right now. My bloated stomach is happy and horrified all at the same time. And I can sit here blogging and belching all I want! Ain't I just a dainty friggin' FLOWAH!!! (read that last in my best Boston townie accent)

So that's the best part of my day. Work was work. Snooze-a-rama. Future ex called to talk to the boys and I stupidly chatted with him. Yes Wyatt, you can smack me upside the head at church on Sunday. Actually, the short chats lately have been ok. He's dealt with quite a bit of my venting - which helps me. Doesn't help him much but who cares. Tonight it upset me. Don't know why. I told him how the approaching Father's Day is annoying the daylights out of me. All the commercials showing these wonderfully perfect fathers that would never cheat on their wives or abandon their families. Makes me want to chuck whatever is in my hand at my TV. If it didn't cost 9 million dollars (an exaggeration), I might do it. But I don't have another 9 million (another exaggeration) to replace it when I go all Elvis on my TV. I told him that I just don't think he deserves the day this year. It's not for guys who leave their families like this. He said the approaching holiday is ripping his heart out. Well, good. It should.

And here is where the Cybil in me gets nutty. So the angry betrayed me is glad that he knows he shouldn't participate in that day. And that seeing it marked on the calendar at his girl thing's house for her kids upsets him. But the stupid long-suffering me who was his best friend for 16 years...that's the one that hurts about it, too. Not just for him. But for my boys and me. What will my boys do this Sunday when all the kids come into worship from Sunday school with their homemade gifts? While all the other kids are running to dad to present their wares...what will my boys do? I have to ask my pastor's wife about this. And it makes me SO sad.

The worst part is...I told The Boy today that he can call daddy on Sunday. And he said, "Do you think he'll be crying because it's Father's Day?" I was like...oh man. Knowing future ex, yah, he will. And The Boy is all worried about it. My sensitive little man is so worried about how this whole divorce thing is affecting poor dad. All the time. It's so sweet but the incongruity of it makes me want to puke. I get the sense that he thinks dad is the victim here. And I want to scream, "Don't you see? He left ALL OF US for some woman he BARELY KNOWS!!!" But I can't put that kind of crap on a beautiful little six year old.

So on Father's Day, I will try not to let the idiot formerly known as my husband ruin the whole day. And I will post something for you all so you can see how blessed I've been to have three fathers in my life. We can all concentrate on them. Which reminds me...I need to dig up some pictures of them for you guys.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Happy Friday.

My Entire House Smells of Chili!

Oh yes. The whole house. It's in every pore! I should walk outside for like 10 minutes just so I can walk in and be overwhelmed by the pure yumminess of the smell when it hits me.

I live in Texas and have the audacity to make what I call chili. I was informed by one of my former Boston small group members that you don't put BEANS in chili. He then warned me not to go down to Texas servin' this up as "chili". Then he ate a bowl of my meatless 4 bean chili and he shut the hell UP. Pshyeah! And let me tell you, I'm livin' down here with native Texans. And native Louisianna-ites (what do you call them?). Two of my close friends are from Texas and their parents are from Mexico. You think that scared me off? No sirree BOB! I made up some of my meatless 4 bean chili and invited them all over. I gave them my caveat of my timid New England pal's warning. And then they sat down and ate. Then they had seconds. Most of the guys had thirds.

So Texans might not put beans in their chili. But I do. And I have a huge-mungous stock pot full of it right now. Just sitting on the stove. Cooling down to a temperature that won't make my whole fridge sweat when I put it in there. After it's had a whole day for all the spices, garlic, onions, and 3 different kinds of peppers to permeate the whole thing...there will be gorging. Oh yes. We will gorge ourselves on my break-all-the-rules chili. Complete with flour tortillas, Colby cheddar and sour cream. And there will be much rejoicing.

And farting. I used 3 HUGE cloves of elephant garlic. When it was all cut up into large chunks, I estimated it to be equal to about 12 cloves of regular garlic. Oh yes, there WILL be farting.

Want some? Y'all come on over!

Ask and Ye Shall Clog Your Arteries...

I have heard the clamoring. I have heard the masses yearning for the recipe to the fabled chocolate chess pie. Yes, you can find recipes on the web for it. But they have to try to get all stupid and fancy and add all sorts of silly & superfluous ingredients. Let me give you the classic chocolate chess pie recipe that my family has made for years. I have taken a recipe from a dear family friend Lou (my middle name is Lou after her - and I dare say that might be why I'm so attached to her chocolate chess pie!) and made it well known from Boston to Austin.


Here are two from the 2006 holiday season...So here, gentle reader, is the recipe that will make you a regular on holiday party lists. It is incredibly easy but tastes like it took forever:

CHOCOLATE CHESS PIE
1 1/2 stick butter (I use organic unsalted)
2 1-oz squares unsweetened baking chocolate
3 large eggs
1 1/2 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 9" unbaked pie shell

• Preheat oven to 350F.
• Melt butter and chocolate in a pan over low heat (don't burn it).
• Mix eggs, sugar, salt & vanilla in a large mixing bowl. (I made them for decades mixing by hand. But I've found my recent pies mixed w/ an electric mixer makes them sit higher in the pie plate.)
• Slowly pour melted ingredients into the mixture in bowl - stirring the whole time.
• Pour into unbaked pie shell.
• Bake at 350F for 25-30 mins.

The top will round up pretty high. It will be wiggly when you take it out of the oven because you've basically just made an old fashioned pudding in a pie. So take it out carefully. It will fall as it cools so don't be alarmed.

I find that it serves better when it's completely cooled. If you cut it still hot, it will be a gooey runny mess. I mean, it will taste amazing. But basically use bowls if you serve it hot. Serve it with plain vanilla ice cream and you will basically pass out from happiness. It's good with unsweetened whipped cream (come on, it's got tons of sugar, you don't need sweetened whipped cream!). It's good hot or cold. Honestly, you can't go wrong with this pie.

Here is my secret to making it exactly my favorite way. The above recipe can come out perfect sometimes but often it's too runny for me. So I tend to add 2 tablespoons of flour to the mixture in the bowl. This firms it up pretty well. But it does remove me from a pure "chess" pie - which is generally eggs, sugar & butter. But ask Trish or Kristen...I may not have a "pure" chess pie but - DANG! - it's GOOOOOOOD!

Go and share the pie with the world. It really is amazingly good.

And Kendra, I thought about your dad - the pie shell - he can't have it because of the wheat. I recently saw a recipe for a cake that was basically a chocolate chess pie in a cake pan. So I'm wondering if we tried the chocolate chess pie recipe (minus the added flour) and baked it in a cake pan - would it work for your dad? Hmmm...

05/24 edited because my recipe was very U.S.-centric:
I apologize to the ever-baking Ellesappelle for not clarifying measurements. One stick of butter in the colonies is 4 oz or half a cup. So for one pie, you need about 6 oz of butter.

An Aside: Skin Like A 14 Yr Old

You know how I mentioned that I had sampled some sugar after my 40 day fasting from said evil? Yah. Well, I'm 41 and now my face looks more like I'm 14. I blame last night's Dr. Pepper and the tiramisu. And the samples of my homemade lemonade I had earlier. And society. I blame society. Don't know why. I just do. I'm sure they're responsible for this break out as sure as they're responsible for those kid's CDs with kids singing "popular" songs - with lyrics completely inappropriate for their age. (You can all thank the TV right next to me for that last bit.)

After hearing my whiney lament, hubby stated, "'Acne goes away'! Ha! That's the biggest lie they ever tell you when you're young." I wouldn't go as far as calling it "acne". But I get his point.

File this one under "Tourette's Mom needs to get a grip on her vanity."

An Aside: TRISH IS BACK!!!

Yeah! My favorite blogger is back from her 40 Days of Faith! Make sure you all go over to say welcome back to Trish.

And on a funny note: yesterday I, too, finished my 40 days of faith. I had fasted from sweets and soda. So yeterday I had a tiny bit of both. Today? I feel sick. Like I gorged on it. Which I didn't. But I think my body is trying to say, hey, stick to the fast, fatso! HA!