Well, today is The Boy's first day at summer camp. Something I hated as a kid so I had a dread of having to send him to one. Thankfully, many of my friends had great experiences with summer camps so I chalked my experience up to "not the norm" and got him signed up. He was so excited. Which helped me a lot. His Tourette's (oh yah, isn't that what this blog is about anyway?) can shove that anxiety out there at the strangest times and hold it back at others. I never quite know which will happen when.
This morning, we got up at the unsavory hour of 5:45am - this after a couple of weeks of sleeping in until one of the boys came to wake me - usually around 7:30 or 8:00. But The Boy didn't complain and was a trouper about it all. Jenkneebee will be glad to know that my morning with The Boy represents about 98% of my experience with my kids (as opposed to that 2% of puking or other unfun events that make you rethink having kids). He ate his whole breakfast of peaches, grapes & Cheerios. We cuddled on the couch for 10 minutes (my favorite part of any morning). We got him dressed and brushed his teeth and made it to the camp 5 minutes early.
I took him in to do my usual checking-for-scary-people mom thing that I do. The counselors seemed non-homicidal, which is always a plus. They also told me that the whole getting up before the sun thing is totally unnecessary. I can bring him as late as I want and pick him up as early as I want. Sure I'm paying for 7am to 6pm. But now I know we can sleep in and bring him in around 9am - when more normal humans are beginning to function. And I'm glad I can pick him up any time, too. 6pm is just too late for me. I'd probably be having hallucinations from The-Boy-withdrawal by that time.
Lil Bro is none to happy at being left home "alone" today. Granted, he's got 100% of grandma all to himself. But he wants The Boy around. And he wants The Boy to play with him. And he wants to follow The Boy everywhere. But alas, the camp doesn't take unpotty-trained 3 yr olds. And The Boy needed some time without Lil Bro (as he announced on several occasions over this past weekend). I had lined up a neighbor to watch Lil Bro this week. But yesterday's puke-fest (yes, I know I promised "sans puke" but oh well) hit Lil Bro a bit later in the day. I am one of those seemingly rare parents that feels like a sick kid should NOT be sent to share the virus with every other kid on the planet. [Yes, I realize that the reality of work schedules makes this a necessary evil for many parents who don't have the luxury of working out of their house. But still - when Sarakastic rules the world, I will be asking her to implement strategies whereby employers are required to help their employees keep illnesses contained. Like, provide more days off than the ridiculously scant 2.5 we tend to get these days. Or pay for in-home nurse-nanny type people to come watch the kids. And digression is over.] So Lil Bro will have his play dates starting tomorrow.
Wow. I'm really out there today.
I want to share with you some thoughts that were shared with me today. I was lamenting to two very wonderful people today about how I'm having trouble with the split personality that seems to be required to go through a divorce. I love him and hate him. I want to punch him in the neck and I want him back. I want to see him fall flat on his face but that just doesn't jive with the positive loving person I try to be. I want everything he touches to fail until he does right by me (I love that line in 'The Color Purple') but I want him to find God. I'm finding it hard to pray for him and to pray for God to take the anger and vengeance.
So two wonderful people who have - sadly - walked this path gave me different yet similar advice today. Thought I'd share some.
This is from one of my beautiful and talented sisters:
[Future ex is] “acting” like such a nice guy. Okay? Obviously he’s not! So, stop asking how he can do this or that. He can and he did. Period. It’s done and now you need to focus on your boys and your spiritual well-being. Not the hows or whys. Trust me, it’s a pointless endeavor. I spent many hours..check that…WASTED many hours with the questions. I know what it is to obsess over the “others”. You are doing great. I know this to be true. It’s never easy, even if the relationship is already sour. Hurt is hurt. Plain and simple...But, justice will be served in due course...things will always be in the favor of those who trust in God, Nettie. Be nervous, but don’t worry. New stuff is always weird. We’re good at weird, though.
This is from a very wise and beautiful friend of mine:
Here's a slice of unsolicited advice regarding pulling out of the anger towards [future ex]: stop praying for him for awhile. To move through the anger, there needs to be (or so I've heard) a time where you actually realize just how pissed at him you are, how utterly unacceptable his behavior was/is, and how much his choices disgust you. It's hard to do that if you're praying for God to help him, win his heart, etc. What happened for me was when I stopped praying for my ex to be okay and started admitting how not okay he was, it gave me the distance I needed to move from angry and terrified to an odd sort of "Thank God I'm not still in the middle of that" (with several months of general numbness in between). God knows where [future ex] is - let Him handle things for awhile. And as much as it feels like the anger could just take you over forever, I've found that the opposite is true - if you leave it on low simmer, it will keep on endlessly. But if you let it happen, it burns off after awhile and you actually have room for new feelings - and hope for the future.
I am immensely blessed with wonderful people who seem to understand exactly what I'm feeling and going through. I hate that anyone has had to have this experience. But I'm very encouraged in the fact that both of the above wonderful women have wonderful, loving, Christian husbands right now. It's one of many reasons I refuse to become one of those bitter, man-hating, divorced women.
Today's post is a bit all over the place. But these were things I just wanted to share.