So after my giant smile of a last post, my mood did a slow-motion nose dive. You see, 10/05 was my 11th wedding anniversary. I was so excited to wake up thinking I didn't care. I was still smiling from the Boston trip. But I let a few things get to me. The primary thing being that future ex's girl thing arrived for a 4 day visit in my city. Gack. I won't see her and she won't see my kids. But still. Blyeck.
At first, I felt it shallow to let it bother me so much. But you know, that 1600 mile distance felt like a buffer zone. She has her territory up there that I can pretty much ignore. And this is mine. I don't like feeling like my territory is invaded.
But the whole arriving on my anniversary to be with my future ex...I think it would have been a bit easier to handle if those damned divorce papers were signed, sealed and DONE. Probably not. Who knows.
Anyway, the loneliness and unfairness and general self-pity-ness got to me and I was pretty bummed. I chatted with a few loving friends and it helped a bit. But when I went to bed, I didn't even want to really talk to God. But I did. I just talked a little bit. Tried to turn it over to him. Not very well. But made the attempt because I think that's all God really wants. Just make the effort. So I made a paltry effort. Felt lame.
Today, I woke up feeling, well, freed. Not totally "ta-dah!" but I wasn't bummed any more. Not totally. God was definitely trying to do what I asked.
I don't know why, but as the day wore on, the dull feeling crept back in. I was driving to errands with my beautiful boys in the back. I was driving thinking, "Man, if I was alone, I would probably start crying." Which I hate. I'm sick of crying. So just as I thought this, my cell rang. I saw it was a Boston friend, Susan. It was perfect. I remember thinking this is the exact perfect person to talk to right now. She talked to me all through the boys playing at the Burger King playscape (yes, we're probably regulars there now). She talked to me on the whole drive to our grocery store. We probably talked for more than 2 hrs. She is an amazing woman. And she was exactly the shot in the arm I needed. She is someone I can share certain shortcomings with and I'm not afraid of judgement or wagging fingers in the face. And she knows this pain. Poor dear girl. She knows this pain.
A wee bit of the funk is still there. Although, that could just be God using exhaustion to say, "Hey L.y.n.e.t.t.e, it's 1:30 in the morning. GO TO BED, you silly git!" Because that's what he calls me. A silly git. But anyway. I'll live. This too shall pass and all that.
I need to adjust my definition of "alone". I should say things like, "I survived my first anniversary without a man." But not "alone." I am SO not alone. Thank you, God. Thank you for wonderful goobers like Susan and all of the other lovely people you've made put up with me.
Ok...God's telling me to go to bed. Better listen.
Just had to come give an update.
I went to church today. It was one of my triple whammy Sundays. I teach once a month, I do food service every Sunday and I sing in the worship team as many Sunday's as they don't kick me off the stage. On those days when I do all three, I've usually been up to the challenge. Throwing myself 110% into things is how I survived the divorce. As I get stronger and more rooted in reality, I am realizing I've over sold myself.
With the funkification of my mood this weekend, it was hard to wrap my head around being a spiritual leader for the 3's & 4's class. Lil Bro was very excited to have mommy as his teacher. But I just wasn't into it. I was a bit stressed over it. When I got to church, I brought in all the food and pretty much got on stage to rehearse. Then I helped set up the food. So I didn't get a chance to do more than read over my lesson. I hate that. I usually totally prepare and have everything prepped and ready to go. All week, I've been thinking that I can't do all three. And I have to say, my heart is in the worship singing and the food. I love doing both. So I found the education director. She understood but I could see it was a blow. It's hard to find devoted Sunday school teachers. She has a great bunch and I was taking one away. But I did it and she was so gracious and supportive.
Anyway, that's not what I intended to write about. Today, I thought, ok, I've been in this funk or fighting it. And I'm not going to let it ruin my worship. So during the group prayer before church, I just silently asked God to just take everything out of my way - let me focus on him. Help me to really lead worship and not distract from it. But mostly, help me to REALLY worship and not just "sing."
God came through. Even in the rehearsal, I could feel him ministering to me. Usually in rehearsal, I'm learning a lot of songs for the first time. So I'm very focused on where the song is going, what the lead singer is doing, what the bass line is doing (I pull most of my harmonies from whatever the bass is doing), etc. But man, I just started really listening to the words and just sending my vocals up as a prayer. It was amazing. I was up there during rehearsal while they were getting levels and fixing speakers and just letting it FLY, man! It was AWESOME. And then, during the real service, WOO-EEE. The Holy Spirit showed up big time. It was awesome. I was so into it. I was SO feeling it. I was just IN IT. Oh I love that! I mean, sometimes I have no idea if I'm the only one that feels that way. But hey, if God wants to minister to only me during worship, I'll take it! But at one point, when I opened my eyes and looked out over the darkened congregation, I saw hands up and people just REALLY into it. I LOVE that. And afterwards, one of my dear wonderful mom-type friends came up and said, "Thank you SO much for being up there singing." I was like, thank ME? Are you kidding? I feel totally selfish up there because I have such an amazingly good time every Sunday that I sing. But I knew what she meant and it told me that, no, I wasn't the only one that felt it.
Very cool to have that as my Sunday experience today.