I am having a day. I am having one of those days that come to mind every time someone tells me how amazed they are by my strength, grace or whatever. When they talk to me like the pillar of Single Motherhood and Gracious Divorce, this is the kind of day that immediately pops into my head.
I'm...I dunno. I'm just blah.
I'm exhausted. Probably emotionally more than physically. I seem to have some minor version of the GI bug that Lil' Bro has. He has also been sick off and on for the better part of almost 2 months now. It's just his immune system learning new tricks now that he's been in a real day care since January. With the undertow of stress that has seemed to keep its foot in my door since this whole divorce debacle began in January of 2007, I doubt my immune system has been up to par. So I usually share a lesser version of whatever ills the boys drag home. By itself, it's nothing really. There are so many things in this world that make this like the hangnail of life. And I get that. I know I'm ok in the big picture.
But today...it's wearing on me.
I'm also annoyed. Since my almost ex (tantalizingly close, that final date!) actually physically moved up to Boston, it has been a daily battle to be a God person. Pokemon Boy has requested that his dad call him every night. So either I see his number on my home phone or my cell phone. But every single night, I get to be reminded that, oh yah, my husband moved 2000 miles away to go live with some other chick. Isn't that lovely? Yessiree Bob. Gotta love that. Now, most days, it doesn't get to me. No. Check that. Most days it annoys the snot out of me. But it's the kind of annoyance that you feel for something external - not really directly affecting you. There are those days, however, that it annoys me on a very distinct and personal level.
I am the first person to suggest to anyone having any level of problem to turn it over to God. I have even used mental imagery to mentally ball up said problem, package it and place it at the foot of the cross and ask Jesus to take it. This whole forgiveness thing...man. I never got how hard it is. I will continue with my daily request that God help me to have true forgiveness for the almost ex. I have told him that it will be one of his greatest miracles when it happens. I honestly have no idea how God will pull this one off.
I guess it's times when there's just constant sickness in the house. And I have to keep working while a sick kid or two is begging for my time. Those days when I have to figure out how to do laundry and load the dishwasher while my stomach feels like I ate a brick and might puke it up any minute. Those days when I see that Pokemon Boy has drawn a Pokemon or alien in the dust on the base of the flat screen TV. Those days when my kitchen counters are cluttered and seem insurmountable. Those days when all I want to do is lay in bed watching movies and doing Sudoku. Those are the days that I really resent being left. Being left to carry it all. Being left to do the hard stuff.
I think the straw that stuck in my craw was when Lil' Bro started crying so hard out of the blue. He finally calmed down to say he missed his dad. So I called his dad and let them talk. Lil' Bro still thinks he has to hand the phone back to me. When he did, almost ex said, "Wow. That was hard." I just said, "Yah. That was hard." I'm sure you don't have to be a clairvoyant to know it was dripping with venomous sarcasm. It was that call that made me want to just scream, oh YES. How HARD this must be for you! How difficult, you poor poor VICTIM!!!
But then, God does give miraculous grace. And he often doses me with it while I'm on the phone with lobotomized dolts. Thank you God, for your perfect timing.
Anyway. This is not one of my stellar days. I thought I'd share it with you guys because, well, I tend to only post when something wonderful or strengthening has happened. OR when my kids are sick. And you might get the impression that I'm this amazing single mom who does everything right and follows all of God's commandments all the time (Kristen and Trish - you guys can stop laughing!).
I know God will pull me out of this funk. When I'm done wallowing in it, I guess. For the moment, though...blah.