Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Not One Of My Stellar Days

I am having a day. I am having one of those days that come to mind every time someone tells me how amazed they are by my strength, grace or whatever. When they talk to me like the pillar of Single Motherhood and Gracious Divorce, this is the kind of day that immediately pops into my head.

I'm...I dunno. I'm just blah.

I'm exhausted. Probably emotionally more than physically. I seem to have some minor version of the GI bug that Lil' Bro has. He has also been sick off and on for the better part of almost 2 months now. It's just his immune system learning new tricks now that he's been in a real day care since January. With the undertow of stress that has seemed to keep its foot in my door since this whole divorce debacle began in January of 2007, I doubt my immune system has been up to par. So I usually share a lesser version of whatever ills the boys drag home. By itself, it's nothing really. There are so many things in this world that make this like the hangnail of life. And I get that. I know I'm ok in the big picture.

But today...it's wearing on me.

I'm also annoyed. Since my almost ex (tantalizingly close, that final date!) actually physically moved up to Boston, it has been a daily battle to be a God person. Pokemon Boy has requested that his dad call him every night. So either I see his number on my home phone or my cell phone. But every single night, I get to be reminded that, oh yah, my husband moved 2000 miles away to go live with some other chick. Isn't that lovely? Yessiree Bob. Gotta love that. Now, most days, it doesn't get to me. No. Check that. Most days it annoys the snot out of me. But it's the kind of annoyance that you feel for something external - not really directly affecting you. There are those days, however, that it annoys me on a very distinct and personal level.

I am the first person to suggest to anyone having any level of problem to turn it over to God. I have even used mental imagery to mentally ball up said problem, package it and place it at the foot of the cross and ask Jesus to take it. This whole forgiveness thing...man. I never got how hard it is. I will continue with my daily request that God help me to have true forgiveness for the almost ex. I have told him that it will be one of his greatest miracles when it happens. I honestly have no idea how God will pull this one off.

I guess it's times when there's just constant sickness in the house. And I have to keep working while a sick kid or two is begging for my time. Those days when I have to figure out how to do laundry and load the dishwasher while my stomach feels like I ate a brick and might puke it up any minute. Those days when I see that Pokemon Boy has drawn a Pokemon or alien in the dust on the base of the flat screen TV. Those days when my kitchen counters are cluttered and seem insurmountable. Those days when all I want to do is lay in bed watching movies and doing Sudoku. Those are the days that I really resent being left. Being left to carry it all. Being left to do the hard stuff.

I think the straw that stuck in my craw was when Lil' Bro started crying so hard out of the blue. He finally calmed down to say he missed his dad. So I called his dad and let them talk. Lil' Bro still thinks he has to hand the phone back to me. When he did, almost ex said, "Wow. That was hard." I just said, "Yah. That was hard." I'm sure you don't have to be a clairvoyant to know it was dripping with venomous sarcasm. It was that call that made me want to just scream, oh YES. How HARD this must be for you! How difficult, you poor poor VICTIM!!!

But then, God does give miraculous grace. And he often doses me with it while I'm on the phone with lobotomized dolts. Thank you God, for your perfect timing.

Anyway. This is not one of my stellar days. I thought I'd share it with you guys because, well, I tend to only post when something wonderful or strengthening has happened. OR when my kids are sick. And you might get the impression that I'm this amazing single mom who does everything right and follows all of God's commandments all the time (Kristen and Trish - you guys can stop laughing!).

I know God will pull me out of this funk. When I'm done wallowing in it, I guess. For the moment, though...blah.


Kristen said...

You know, I'd think you were an alien or something if you didn't get into a funk once in awhile with all you've been through and are going through. You are amazing (despite your protests), but you're not a superhero. And, I know that God understands. I don't think he expects us to be Pollyanna constantly with bluebirds sitting on our shoulders and sunshine beaming from our smile or other orifices. Think about David and the Psalms. A lot of them are him saying, "Hey, God! Where the heck are you? My life sucks right now!!!" I think God does some of his best work in me when I'm furious and thinking vengeful thoughts and just want to curl up in a ball and wallow in my comforting self-pity. So it's okay to be in a funk.

I've been reading a lot about forgiveness recently. Not on purpose, but I keep coming across it. And, the recurring theme is that forgiveness isn't a feeling. It's an action. You can say out loud or write down or just tell God that you forgive the lobotomized dolt - and you can and should say it over and over again because the hurt will keep coming up in different ways, especially because of the boys and their connection to their dad. But you may not feel it in your heart for a long time, maybe never. But that's okay, too. It's hard to accept, but it's okay. It doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven the LD.

I know that sometimes you're flooded with thoughts of vengeance and wishing bad things on the LD. (You're not alone there!) But just think about how nice you've actually been to him this past year. You've been WAY more kind and generous with him than any other person I know in your shoes - or even people who haven't been as wronged as you have. So your actions have shown heaps of forgiveness, too.

I know when you're feeling bad, it's hard to see the good. But you don't give yourself enough credit for how Godlike and Godfull you've been this past year. You have been a champion for so many other people during the same time that you've been going through hell - you've been praying for others, inspiring us through your posts, telling us you love us. That is amazing to me. You're doing an incredible job. Everyone feels inadequate as a mom, housekeeper, employee, etc. at some point and usually pretty often. But you more than anyone have the right to have a dusty TV and cluttered counters without feeling bad about it.

All of this is my super longwinded way of saying I love you, I understand, and that you are still amazing. And, I'm praying that your funk and the crazy germs that are plaguing your house will fly out the window today.

Carol Beth said...

My friend--you were on my mind today so I was praying for you. What that tells me is that God is thinking enough about you to bring you to my mind so that I can talk to Him about you.... He adores you so much and he's sorry you're having such a rough time, too.

(And I echo his sentiments!!)

Kendra said...

I'm sorry, sweet one. Thanks for being real and honest and putting it out there for all your "fans" to be talking to the Lord about. I appreciate you so very much, and love you like crazy!

Robert said...

Sorry to hear it. Sometime it gets hard. It's not God's plan for you, but stuff happens. I know, been there, done that, Macon still wearing the t-shirt. Years on it still something that we all have to deal with. But God is still and always there for you as he was/ is with Macon and me and so is your friends like me and Deanne and all the rest at church. Anything we can do, just ask. Want help with your kiddos or in cleaning your house give us a call. Want prayer in person or on the phone. Call us.
Robert/ Deanne

Beck said...

I'm so sorry. This is such a heavy thing to have to carry. I'm keeping you and your boys in my prayers.

ellesappelle said...

Ugh. I don't particularly know what to say, but I know God can pull it off.

Wanda said...

Oh Lynette, you are such an amazing woman. God loves an honest woman ~~~ that you are 100% and I love you for it too.

You will be in my heart big time today!!
Love and Hugs

Jane said...

Hey lovely!

I miss you so much! Sorry I haven't been around. Life is crazy here. You know that I know how this all feels. You really are strong and rock solid and you will get through it.

Happy Friday!

JenKneeBee said...

Just reading this makes me so mad at your almost-ex, so I can't imagine how you must feel. You'll get through it though, you're so strong, especially with God on your side.

Barrie said...

You're dealing with a lot of tough stuff right now. A good wallow is totally acceptable. xo