So my last post was written on a day when I felt like my skin would pretty much just crawl off my body. I don't know if any of you have ever experienced profound depression (or ANY depression) and/or anxiety. I thought I had. You know, when you're 17 and the boy you like is totally in love with someone way more gorgeous and sparkly than you? Oh yes, I thought I had felt depression. I never really felt like I experienced anxiety, though.
I'll confess: before last year, I had thought that most people that said they were depressed or had anxiety attacks were either drama queens/kings or they were just plain weak and didn't feel like coping. And I deeply apologize to anyone out there that feels like traveling back in time and slapping that me. That me should have been slapped. That me DID get slapped. Trust me. God took care of it for you.
Last year, I understood profound depression and anxiety. Actually, depression I had experienced when my father died 10 days before my 12th birthday. But I didn't fully experience it because my 12 yr old self just squashed it away until I could process the loss and grieve when I was more like...oh...I think I was about 19?
Man, I am ALL over the place with this one.
Suffice to say - 2007 was my introduction to what depression and anxiety could do to you. Separately, they blow. Together, they blow chunks. But being in that arrogant state of mind I was in, I refused to even think of taking meds. Meds were for weak people. Meds were for all those people they showed on Zoloft commercials. At one point, when I was completely non functioning as a member of society, someone gave me a Xanex or something. I was completely blown away at how it settled me, allowed me to gather the scattered pieces in my mind, focus and function.
I went to my doc and tearfully explained my situation. She wondered why I had waited so many months. I explained my arrogance. I am sadly not unique.
So I got my meds. A big ol' bottle. I took them only for emergencies. I think I took about 3 last year. God was rockin' the Saving L.y.n.e.t.t.e thing pretty big time, if you all recall. I was pretty happy that I only needed the few doses.
Fast forward to a few months ago. I was finally out of the cess pool. I was finally seeing the light through the forest trees. I was near the edge of the forest. Relative to the beginning of the big ol' dumb divorce, I felt On Top Of The World. I remember gleefully tossing the remaining meds thinking, "I will never need these again!"
Fast forward again to a few weeks ago. I'm not quite sure what triggered it. I think it was a combination of things, events, weaknesses, stresses. I believe straws and weakened camel backs were involved. But here I was wrestling depression again. When the stresses kept hitting, the anxiety hit, too. Now, when you think you've finished with something really ugly and it shows up again, almost full force? You can get severely derailed. I denied it for a couple of weeks telling my friends I was going through a rough patch or valley and I'd be fine. Which is true. I know God's not going to let me crumble after all he dragged me through. But it wasn't really getting any better.
I was praying things like, ".....help....I don't even know what for. Just help!" I kept asking God to take the depression and anxiety away. I started reading my bible consistently - pouring through it hoping God would talk to me.
A few days ago, I felt like my skin was going to jump clear off my body again. I was so down, my mother could see it - feel it. I could tell she was worried. I finally admitted to her I was full on depressed and feeling like I was about to implode. I probably needed meds again. I went home to find said meds. Nada. Hmmm. I searched everywhere. Then I remembered tossing them. Hence the last post (which was thankfully much shorter than this rambling tome).
The next day, I got in to see the doc. She wrote me another scrip (two, actually). She told me, "Don't throw these away."
The funny thing was...after I made the doctor's appointment, I thought...good grief. It never even occurred to me to ask God to do what I was hoping the pills would do. I mean, not in those words. So I said, ok God. I need you to do what I want those pills to do. I need you to focus my brain - help me focus. Help me function at work and as a mom. Lift this depression, calm the panic. Please God - be my meds! I still saw the doc. I told God that I want to trust in him only. But I want to have those pills just in case - which is rather like saying I want to lose weight but I'll just make sure I have Lucky Charms in the pantry. But I digress. I asked God to be my guide with the meds. I asked him to let me know when or if to take them. But in the mean time, I would trust him. And all that bible reading? God started showing me stuff. Stuff like all the miracles in Acts & Romans. He started showing me how to increase my faith in Corinthians. I couldn't get enough. He just really started making things pop off the pages. I couldn't wait to read my bible every night. And if you know me? That ain't me.
Man, this all sounds so crazy when I see it in type. It's just not how I've operated. I don't reject all medicine or doctors. Modern medicine saved my life and Pokemon Boy's life. And the lives of quite a few wonderful people in my life. God gave scientists and doctors their gifts. So I'm totally pro-doctor. But I felt like, right now in my walk, I needed to give God a chance. I needed to put my trust in him in a big way.
So here I sit, about 4 days later and the CVS bags are still stapled shut on my bedroom table. I am asking God every day and night to be my equalizer. To keep me from the lows and the panic. I have felt much better for the last two days. Today has been the best one yet. And today I realized that I was still hanging on to the fear. What if I lose my house? What if I lose my job? What if I have to uproot my kids and move to an apartment? I was still clinging to the panic. Normal, yes. But I have to shake that. So today - once again - I have been trying to release it all to God's care. Trust that he's got it. Even if I lose my job and house - he's got my back. Honestly, why should I be freaking out like this? I mean ASIDE from being a normal human being.
That's where I am today. It's a process. I'm working on it. God's working on me. I'm in a 3 day seminar with most of my church this weekend. We are praying HUGE. I'm expecting some big stuff this weekend. I'll let you know.