Outlets for Rage

As I may have mentioned here, BigBro feels things very deeply or with great strength. He is passionate about things he loves. His compassion and empathy can be his undoing. His capacity to love has always amazed me.

When things lean to the negative side, it is with equal power. His play therapist is really helping him with this. But he still has those moments when he has such overwhelmingly strong emotions, he doesn't know what to do with them.

Around Christmas, he had a pretty big meltdown. He is still processing his feelings about our divorce. He is extremely smart and tries to process everything. However, without full knowledge of exactly how our divorce came about, he is very confused and angry.

As he sat there trying to explain his anger, I noticed his clenched fists at his side. He was yelling to me about how he hates the divorce and doesn't even know who to blame (ie - me or dad). I could see the wound tension in him. And it brought me right back to being that little kid that was trying to deal with something completely out of my control. Something that I hated (usually a punishment or explanation of why I couldn't have/do something). I knew there was nothing I could do to change it. But my rage was overwhelming. My memories of these times bring back visions of pure white rage taking over my sight. I remember wanting to break or hit something. I didn't want to HURT anyone. Or break anything important. I just needed to punch something or feel something break.

As I sat listening to BigBro venting and hurting, it killed me. I totally recognized the bottled rage. I asked him, "You probably feel like hitting something, don't you?" He threw his face to the ceiling and screamed "YEEEEESSSSSS!" Ugh. Man do I get it.

We did a lot of talking. I did a lot of listening. I related some of my memories from my own frustrations as a kid. I wanted to let him know that I understood what he was feeling and he wasn't insane to feel it. We also prayed. A lot!

I wasn't able to get him to his play therapist for another 3 weeks. And it helped. But I can see the underlying anger and confusion always threatening to undo him in those moments of frustration.

I talked to my mom about a punching bag. In high school, when I was still dealing with becoming part of a blended family and full of rage and anger, a friend showed me how to use one of those smaller wall-mounted punching bags that you always see boxers hitting. Bippity bappity bippity bappity. I got pretty good. When I needed to, I just whaled on that thing. My mom and I thought it would be good for both boys to have something to pound on.

But I wanted to check with their therapist. I know there can be a fine line between allowing for a physical outlet and encouraging violence as a solution to frustration. I sent the therapist an email explaining what I had seen, my own experience of wanting to hit things, and our thoughts about a punching bag. He wrote back, "I think [BigBro] has enough cognitive wherewithal to use that as a coping skill in the moment without any carryover consequences. A lot of parents use martial arts classes for the same purpose. Sounds like a good idea."

As I've stated in multiple posts, my parents ROCK. As soon as I shared that email with my mom, she and dad went to the local ginormous sporting goods store. They talked to a sales guy, explaining what and who it was for. He suggested a 70 lb hanging heavy bag. He also warned about their developing bones and not to let them punch it with their bare hands.

This past weekend, mom & dad came and assembled the stand in my garage. Then my awesome neighbor Alex came over and hoisted the bag up so we could hang it on the hook.

The next day, mom took both boys to the afore mentioned sporting goods store and got them each a pair of boxing gloves in their size. Then she brought them home, got them on the computer and showed them a YouTube boxing tutorial video she had researched. BigBro watched the whole thing. Lil'Bro hopped around posing in his new gloves and didn't watch.

When the boys were ready to try out the new heavy bag, BigBro walked up and punched it exactly like the tutorial showed. He got his feet in the right position, shoulder down, jab jab PUNCH! It was pretty cool. Lil'Bro walked up and started flailing at it. So I slowed him down, had him step back and reminded him of his kung fu lessons. He paused and then huh huh PUNCH! Great form!

BigBro testing out some boxing moves:
Lil'Bro (with helmet!) trying out some kung fu moves:

So both boys are enjoying the heavy bag. And I have to admit, I took off my antique ring to have a few hits. My Ex asked if I've put any pictures on there yet to motivate me. Ha! I just may. I just may.

I feel like BigBro will have some options for anger outlets. He knows the main reason my parents got the bag is for his benefit. But I think our whole little family will benefit.

Wikkid Smaht Kids

Our elementary school gives out awards for grades, perfect attendance, and other types of good citizenship in a school environment. They give out dog tags. I think it's so cool.

The younger grades (K & 1st) always try to make sure each kid gets some kind of dog tag. So there's the birthday dog tag, the perfect attendance, school pride, good student, etc. The 5th graders are a little more sparse.

Lil'Bro got two: Birthday and I think something like Paw Pride.

BigBro got one: A/B Honor Roll.

Proving once again my boys are wikkid smaht and must have been switched at the hospital with the kids of some couple from MIT or Harvard. (hee hee)

Happy New Year

So the 1st year of the 2nd decade in this 21st century is over. I've been looking at postings all over the web where people have extreme sentiments about how 2010 went. I have no such feelings. 2010 was another year. I have a year of my job under my belt. I've worked hard to learn all the new tricks this old dog has faced. I got used to a long commute after 3 yrs of working from home. We had school, birthdays, holidays, illness, fun and lots of laughter. All in all, I liked 2010.

I have even been able to handle the disappointment of not having hover cars, personal jet packs or silver unitards. Though the latter is probably a kindness in obese America.

I post less and less on this blog. Not by choice. But because of time. I have precious little truly free time and choose to spend it doing more important things [to me].

One of the things I love at each new year is recognizing that my need for this blog continues to shrink. It's original intent was to document my struggle with getting healthy. That was derailed quickly with BigBro's diagnosis with Tourette's. And even that had to share the spotlight with my big dumb divorce. This blog was my lifeline during those horribly painful initial divorce years. Thanks to my rockin' God, that need has grown less with each passing day.

The marriage implosion began a few days after New Year's 2007. I just did the math on my fingers and double checked it on my computer calculator. I have survived a full 4 years since then. God walked me through the cess pool of hell that was my divorce. He pulled me up out of the pit and kept walking with me through the dark forest of the 2nd year. He stayed by my side as I exited the dark woods and began taking tentative steps into light and rejoining the world around me. He set me up in strength and confidence. He surrounded me with an army of family and true friends. And I realize that his protection and help surrounded my boys along with me.

I wish I could document the amazing personal miracles I witnessed. I don't share them in such a public forum because many of them were very deeply personal answers to very specific prayers. Many involved things that happened to other people. So to share them here would probably seem out of context and would appear petty and mean in stead of amazing and glorious.

I can only say that, when all hell broke loose and the proverbial crap hit the fan back in January 2007, I learned what it meant to press into God. I threw myself on him. I finally found out what it felt like to count on him to even be able to open my eyes in the morning. And he came through. Hugely.

So 2011 finds me employed, living in the house I thought I'd lose. It finds my boys thriving and hardly any Tourette's symptoms.

I have no doubt God will continue me on an amazing path. Now that I can see beyond my own whining and pain, I can finally ask God, "Now what?" Scary question. But I'd like to think I'm ready to take on whatever it is he wants me to do.

Christmas in Pictures

CHRISTMAS EVE:
Stockings hung and Santa presents out.
Presents are put out under/around the tree.
One shot with no flash just because...
CHRISTMAS MORNING:
BigBro opening his stocking.
Lil'Bro opening his stocking.
Traditional Christmas breakfast in this house! YUM!
Nerf swords from my brother's family.
I think he was opening Bakugan near the computer so he could upload them onto the website.
Lil'Bro and The Ex work on assembling the Lego Star Wars set Santa left.
My new bracelet from my awesome sis-in-law.
CHRISTMAS AFTERNOON:
My mom's Christmas tree.
BigBro doing some magic from his new Criss Angel magic kit (with Lil'Bro as his assistant).
My nephew Sid enjoys his new rope bone.
BigBro opening something big from my parents.
Mom & Dad with a Katharine Hepburn DVD set from my sister.
Lil'Bro rockin' some killer guitar faces with his new Paper Jamz flying V!
The End.

The Birthday Lil'Bro - in Pictures

Pre-carnage. Ready for the unwrapping mayhem!
Mario action figure!
Lego Star Wars - General Grievous Starfighter.
Art supplies and table easel from Nana!
Bowling mayhem with his best buds. Complete with cool kung fu moves.
BigBro watching his pals (all the older siblings).
Lil'Bro trying a split. "Ooooooow! This huuuuuuuuurts!"
I love this shot of Lil'Bro riding the ball return.
The 4 Mustketeers. They've been together since preschool. That was almost 3 years ago!
The End

Happy Birthday, Lil'Bro!

Today is Lil'Bro's 7th birthday! Pix at 11:00.

One Year Anniversary

This past Tuesday was my one year anniversary at my "new" job. I guess I can't claim being the new kid anymore. Oh well. There goes my out.

I'm on a new team now. God's keeping my back. I started out on a cream-o-the-crop team. In July, I moved to a new project. Another group of stellar people. I'm learning new tools and skills. Ramping up the resume which is always good.

So one year in, still diggin' the job.

Thank you, God!

Whew! Thank You, God.

I've been walking around for about 45 minutes just thanking God over and over.

It's Saturday night. I usually let the boys stay up to 9:30pm. But It's a Wonderful Life was on TV until 10:00 so I let them stay up. Around the time I would normally be putting them to bed, I was prepping food for church in the kitchen (I usually wait to prep during Saturday Night Live).

I had washed a bunch of grapes and had them drying. I got out a bowl, cutting board and pineapple to chop. As I stood up from getting the bowl, I smelled gas. At first I thought it was some weird smell from the plastic bag the pineapple was in. I moved around and caught it again. What in the world would smell like gas? I wasn't really that close to the stove. I opened the cupboard again and sniffed. Nope. I smelled the bowl, the bag, the cutting board. Nope. But there it was again - stronger this time. Gas.

I turned around to check the stove controls. Of course they were all on the off position. But wait - one wasn't! It was on medium but not lit!!! I honestly have no idea how that happened. It's not the kind of thing you can easily bump into an on position. The kids never touch it. I've been puttering around the kitchen all evening. I must have accidentally turned it on at some point. I honestly can't imagine how. But there it was. I turned off the knob but the kitchen was filled with the smell of gas!

I hurried and opened the back door, back window, garage door, front door, ceiling fan. It all aired out after a while. But man, that is scary!

And let me paint the picture here for you:

I cooked dinner a LONG time ago. I have NO idea how long that gas was going. The kitchen really smelled of it so it had put out quite a bit. It's very dry and cool here - static electricity popping off sparks everywhere. I'm wearing my faux-Crocs around which build up static electricity. I have the dryer running a few feet from the stove - big time static builder. I normally would have been upstairs putting the boys to bed. And might have come back down to watch some TV before going into the kitchen starting to prep the food.

I just keep thinking of how this evening COULD have gone.

Thank you God for that movie that kept us all downstairs. Thank you for putting the food prep into my head early. Thank you for letting me smell the gas and find the control on. Thank you, God. Thank you!!!

Ornaments

The boys got most of the ornaments up on the tree. I only had to reposition a few. I think I put up about 6. They did the rest.

Every year, we each buy an ornament. They're all very special memory makers. I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you.

Here's the tree:
This is a cowboy boot I got last year. It's some kind of heavy resin.
Cowboy riding a bucking bronco. Cut metal:
Ceramic cardinal bell. His feet are the clapper:
Elvis in white jumpsuit (I lost the Elvis in 1969 comeback black outfit in the divorce):
Little plastic gray kitty (makes me think of my long gone gray kitty):
Gumball machine:
Little kitty book:
This was a little blank book key chain. In 2000, we started writing the year and where we lived at Christmas.
Christmas Pickle picked up this year:
There is a legend that the pickle ornament is a German tradition. I'll ask my two German friends but a quick Google search makes me think it's not quite spot on.
Sock Monkey picked up in 2009:

The Tree Is Up

Well the doc has given us the "all clear" to rejoin humanity. I'm not convinced. I'm not sure how looking in ears, nose and throat definitively tell me I don't have a bacterial infection. But whatever. Away we go!

I had a great Thanksgiving with the boys and The Ex. I still have periodically mixed emotions when he's around. But I tell you, as far as exes go, he's fine. We're friends. Memories of the last three years can derail that for me. It doesn't take much. But generally, we do ok. It was a good day. The boys had a blast even though we couldn't be with my parents. And of course, I made chocolate chess pies!

The next day, we saw the doc. So that night we had leftovers with my parents. A second Thanksgiving. That was very cool.

Today, I dragged out the tree. It's a prelit we've had since 2005. Last year, I cut off all the lights. To many big sections with no lights. Too hard to figure out which line needs the new fuse. It's normally lit with little white lights. Very classic. I love that look. But Lil'Bro asked for multicolored lights. It's different - especially with the LED lights. They're VERY bright. But I like it. Ornaments will go on tomorrow.

Today, I also made a birthday cake for The Ex. The boys and I gave him a little birthday celebration after his day at work.

We're also hosting my nephew - my sister's dog, Sid. He's such a good little dog. We're going to miss him when he leaves tomorrow.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Eve

I have so much to be thankful for.

I'm almost a year into my "new" job and still love it.

My boys are healthy, happy and great friends. Plus, they're still young enough to enjoy my company.

I live in a safe neighborhood, in a safe city, in a safe country.

I have shelter, clothes, more food than I need and we have plenty of toys.

My parents are nearby. My sister and bro-in-law are nearby.

My friends are sweet, loving and extremely patient.

I could go on. But that's it for now.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

Lil'Bro's bout with this stomach bug kind of blew out Halloween weekend for us. And the following week. He and I got better and things looked good.

Until last Wednesday. I thought I had avoided the full onslaught. Not so. I held down nothing. At all. The Ex drove me to the doc, bucket in hand. They gave me anti-nausea meds. I have been holding down small amounts of stuff here and there. I am, however, very sick of saltines, chicken broth, rice and bananas. I'm hungry but nothing sets well in my stomach.

Last night, BigBro came down with a low fever. I made a bed on the floor next to mine in preparation for the puke-fest to come. We prayed hard before bed. I have to admit, my faith wasn't at 100%. I was expecting a night of puke. We all slept through the night.
This morning, all 3 of us have low fevers. No puking. The boys ate a big breakfast. I ate toast & eggs. The bacon made my stomach turn.

I have an aunt & 2 cousins in town. I haven't seen them since...well...in decades. I can't go near them. This stomach bug is something that could really wipe out an elderly person like my aunt or my dad.

Not sure what to expect for Thanksgiving. I'm tired and yucky. My cheerleader-esque faith is a little battered. Not that I don't have faith in God. I'm just not praying with much expectation. Stupid me. But there it is.

Guh.

Ambitious Diet: Not a Good Thing

So here's a little tip from me to you:

If your kid doesn't eat for 2 days and has to be rehydrated in the ER and then feels amazingly better so wants to eat everything he can get his hands on? Yah, DON'T let him get his hands on mini-cheeseburgers.

Today, Lil'Bro made it about 1.5 hrs into the school day before yarfing all over his classroom carpet. I owe his teacher dinner. AFTER he's better.

Just sayin'.

A Halloween Eve Rehydration at the ER

Lil'Bro wasn't able to hold down ANYthing yesterday. Not water, not Pedialyte. They called in a scrip of anti-nausea meds. It helped him drink sips of water all night. But then he threw up again early this morning.

After a call to his doctor's office, we took him into the ER for fluids. Two and a half hours of fluids later, he was a new kid. I have read the symptoms of dehydration but never saw them all before. The lethargy was pretty palpable. Very weird to see your usually energetic 6 1/2 year old not respond to anything. He didn't want TV. He didn't want his DS. He didn't want to move.

We got home from the ER and he immediately fell asleep on the couch. For THREE hours. I got an hour of sleep in.

Oh yah, my BigSis and her TallGuy hubby drove 30 minutes up here to get BigBro. They took BigBro to our church Fall Festival. Another church friend will bring him home.

Yesterday, I put out a "help" email to the women at my church asking them to get the food for church. Two women immediately took up the task for me. One of our lead pastors will sing in my stead. A couple of people have offered to come pick up BigBro for church tomorrow. My mom just dropped off a bunch of bananas and some frozen dinners. Tons of my local pals have sent offers over Facebook asking if they can do anything for us. And they mean it. My distant pals also sent prayers and love through Facebook, emails and texts.

I have to tell you, when you ask God to surround you with good loving people? He totally comes through. I cannot thank God enough for all of the awesome friends and family he has surrounded us with.

And Lil'Bro woke up about 30 minutes ago. He has held down water, half a banana and a little cup of applesauce. He keeps talking about the mini cheeseburgers at a local burger joint. I have to think he's on the mend.

Thanks to all my loving friends and family.

For reference, here are two pictures.
Just having arrived at the ER
and 2.5 hrs later.

A Break in the Keck

Lil'Bro has the tummy bug that's going around. I probably do, too. But either it hasn't hit me fully or I'm tolerating it better.

So while Lil'Bro watches Scooby Doo on the couch with his bucket, I'll drop a note here.

BigBro is doing well. He's having anger issues. He has a lot of deep seeded anger toward his dad for leaving him for 3 years. The Ex has expected this. But it's still hard when it finally rears its head.

BigBro doesn't fully understand it. We're trying to get him to his therapist but money is very tight and a good therapist can be expensive. Ours is awesome. And he's reasonably priced for his skill but it's a stretch at the moment. Man I hate that.

Anyway, BigBro is overreacting to small things that make him angry. It's another volcano with a very thin cap.

I will retire to the couch with Lil'Bro now.

Growling And The Ex

Growling
BigBro has been making a strange noise a lot lately. I can't tell if it's a tic or he's just enjoying the sensation of it.

I can't describe it very well. The way I can do it is, if I close my mouth, breathe in through my nose and make my vocal chords vibrate on the intake. It's like an inhalation growl.

He does it now and then. I've noticed it every day for quite some time. Every now and then I'll say, "Hey, you're growling," or "Stop the growling." Not mean. Just kind of like you'd tell your kid to get their finger out of their nose in a matter-of-fact tone.

As we went to bed tonight, I followed him up the stairs and heard the growl. I said, "Hey, you're growling again." Lil'Bro asked why he does that. BigBro said he didn't know. I asked if it was tic-ish or if he just liked the feeling. He wasn't sure.

Lil'Bro asked what a tic was. I explained how Tourette's is a neurological disorder where the nerve signals get confused or crossed. Probably not exactly technical but it helps me to think of it this way. Lil'Bro wanted examples so I mentioned some. I tried not to list all of BigBro's manifestations - kind of hit all over the TS spectrum.

After a while, BigBro asked me to stop talking about the symptoms because it made him uncomfortable. He has told me in the past that he doesn't feel his TS until I mention it. Which I understand. But I also think it's important for his little brother to understand what TS is and how it might manifest. It's always good to have a built in advocate - even if he IS three and a half years younger than you!

So I told BigBro that I'm just explaining it to Lil'Bro and there's no need to feel like I was listing everything on HIS list of TS symptoms. He eventually joined in the explaining. Which was cool. I certainly don't want it to be a hush-hush taboo subject.

I understand how discussing TS can make BigBro suddenly very aware of lurking feelings. But I also know he can own those feelings, talk about it and be ok.

And The Ex
And on a totally separate subject, The Ex has been living nearby for just over a month now. I cannot tell you how spoiled I feel with the extra help he is giving with the boys.

But here is one weird little observation:

When I was doing this all alone - forced to do it - I did it. I mean, yah, I had days where I felt overwhelmed. Especially in the beginning. But by this third year? Our routine was in the can. I just did it. Not spectacularly, mind you. But we were all alive, relatively clean, fed and clothed.

On my own, if dishes needed doing? I did them. If laundry piled up, I tackled it (eventually). If errands backed up, I got 'em done. I could do all the shopping, unload the car and put it all away. Hey, who else is gonna do it, right?

Well, now I have a co-parent nearby. Within walking distance. He's been stepping up and helping. Suddenly, I can remember being one of a couple. Suddenly I remember how impossible it felt that I could have done the shopping and now I had to unload the WHOLE car all by myself! AND I had to put the stuff away, too?! Suddenly, one person couldn't possibly do any of the chores that needed doing - not alone!

Being part of a couple gave me this fragile-flower mentality. I see it all the time with couple friends of mine. The trash is overflowing but my friend won't touch it. That's his job. The dog can be scratching at the door, starving, but another friend won't get the food from the bag 5 feet away because that's her job. I mean, really?

But yah. Really. I was the same way. I remember thinking I would never be able to do it all by myself. And there are those that would look around my house and argue I am NOT doing it all by myself. (And I would agree.)

But let me tell you, my dainty-fragile-flower mentality? Feh! Because on my good days? (And lately, these outnumber my bad days by far) I can get up, get the school prep done, dress the kids, help Lil'Bro brush his teeth while hounding BigBro not to get distracted. I can get them to school and get to work and then kick ass to get back in time to pick them up from after-school-care. I can drag them home and whip them into homework-mode. I can make a dinner (and by "make", I don't mean Donna Reed's version of "make" - but they're alive and thriving so...), clean up the mess and put away the leftovers. I can do the grocery shopping, unload the whole car and put it all way - alone. I can run the errands. I can balance [air quotes] the budget and make all the payments. I can plan, pay for and execute all the parties. I can buy the clothes, shoes, school supplies. I can somehow squeeze 2 extra hours out of my...um...busy schedule for a birthday party for every kid my boys know. I can periodically dust (at least once a decade), vacuum (much more frequently), scrub, wipe, and scour the house. I can do ridiculous amounts of laundry. I can post meaningless jibber jabber on Facebook and blogs. I can make it to church on time with both boys in tow, contribute to the ministries there (including 'Comic Relief' and 'Official Wisecracker'), sing my brains out and get back home. I can do it. I don't need to half-ass it and whine that my partner should be doing such and such and if only he'd be doing THIS part, I'd be able to do THAT part better and all that horse hockey I used to think.

And this isn't judgment. These are all observations about my formerly whiny, selfish SELF.

When I became a single parent, I talked to God and said, "You're going to have to help me here. There is NO way I can do this on my own!" There really wasn't. It's not a one-person job.

Thankfully, my partner is the Creator of All Things. He still makes me unload the whole car and put the groceries away. But not alone.

Amazing Brothers

Yesterday, the boys were supposed to go to the 7th birthday party of a best pal of Lil'Bro. One of the 4 Musketeers, Lil'McV. They've both been pumped all week for this.

Just before lunch, the school called me. Lil'Bro was in the nurse's office with a low fever complaining of tummy yuck. I called The Ex and he ran to pick him up.

When I picked up BigBro from after school care, I gave him the option to still go. We got home and took Lil'Bro's temp. The fever persisted so we had to call the McVs to say, sorry, Lil'Bro couldn't go. Oh he was SO upset. He understood about contagion. He understood he needed to be a responsible sick person. But on MAN, this was a hard one.

As Lil'Bro sat silently crying on the couch, BigBro told him, "If you don't want me to go, I'll stay here with you." Lil'Bro didn't reply. He was too upset. BigBro told me, "I'll stay here with [Lil'Bro]."

Do I love my boys? Durn TOOT'N'!

Drilling a Relief Well

Since my last post, BigBro has had one more ginormous volcanic eruption. Again, it was a minor upset at a friend's house. This time, I had the sense to stay at the play date for just such an occasion.

Lack of sleep + life-event stress do not a good thing make. Good grief. I'm typing like Yoda.

Listening to him after this breakdown...or during it, I guess...I heard so many things that broke my heart:

• When will this STOP?!
• I don't want to FEEL this way!!!!
• This happens every DAY!!
• This will never end.
• I'm so confused!
• I don't even know who I AM!
• I don't even know what I'm feeling!!!
  

After he had blown off some steam in his room, we had a talk. He shamefully confessed that he had twisted some of his very special stuffed animals. "I wanted to hurt them!" he tearfully blurted out. It was then I wished I could hand him a big ol' bat and a hanging punching bag.

I told him it's totally ok to be mad at dad or me. It's totally ok to feel confused about wanting dad to stay while wanting him to be able to go back to his beloved Boston. It's ok to scream and want to punch things. I can sense the guilt and shame in him - thinking that all of these outbursts and negative feelings are somehow him being "bad".

I did NOT have the answers and I told him so. But God does have the answers and I reminded him of that. His faith is huge. And I'm thanking God for growing it so huge because it's what will get him through this.

When I dropped him off at school yesterday, he was down. Not pouty or over dramatic. He was probably depressed. He was low energy. He was giving people brave fake smiles. But it wasn't him. Sadness just dripped off of him.

From our conversations, I knew he thought he had reverted. He knows how awesome he's been doing with no tics, no rage and no anxiety. And all of a sudden, bam! they're both back in spades. So add to all the guilt, fear, hurt and anger the thought that suddenly Tourette's is back and taking over.

Yesterday, I called his therapist and said he needed to get in there because he was having an emotional crisis. They got him in first thing this morning.

Our play therapist, Dr.M, is awesome. He loves both boys so much. But he has that special appreciation for BigBro. Today, BigBro saw Dr.M for an hour. Toward the end, I joined them and they showed me (some of) what they had discussed.

Dr.M firstly explained that all of these crazy conflicting emotions are very hard to wrestle. And that EVERYone wrestles with them in their life. Even grown ups. So A) you're not alone.

He then explained that everyone has needs in their lives. I saw a piece of paper that had a bunch listed - obviously, they had made the list together. I saw things like "security", "attention"...I couldn't read all of it. Dr.M explained to BigBro that all of these needs, if not met, will pull on you like gravity. Except they pull your heart (ie emotions). So when a big life event comes along and these needs become greater, the heart can sometimes be over run by things like fear, anger, hurt, and guilt. I saw those written on that same pad.

It was explained better than that but that's what's in my head.

So Dr.M asked BigBro to show me how he had modeled what his emotions might look like in the sand table. Ok...wow. Firstly, I wouldn't even know how to go about modeling that. But here's what he did (and I wish I had photographed it):

One third of the sand table was fenced off and had a volcano, ambulance and eagle figure. The other two thirds had some bright shining marbles & stones, some little toy street signs (like yield, stop, arrows, etc.), a colorful moth figure and a bat figure. It also had a big wooden elephant near the fence.

The side with the elephant represented the side that held his friends (moth & bat), fun (shining marbles & stones), and direction (signs). The elephant represented a big event that happened. It was so big, it pushed him out of the fun side and into the volcano side.

The volcano side represented his isolation. He felt alone even with people around. The volcano represented his anger. The ambulance could get to him but wasn't able to stay long (he showed it sliding down the sand away from his eagle self).

I pointed to a Grinch figure on the fun side that was facing the volcano side. He said that represents how he feels like there is something watching him, always ready to mess him up. He felt like it was his guilt and other emotions that would get him when he least expected it.

It was amazing.

I told him I found it very interesting that his two friends had wings. Because his two best friends are very awesome and true friends. It made me think that their wings would allow them to fly up over this huge elephant and get to him. He looked at them for a minute and went, "Ohhh..." then picked the moth & bat up and flew them over to his eagle self. He liked that. I also pointed out that HE had wings. He liked that, too.

Dr.M drilled a relief well for my little volcano today. It's a good start, as he said. But putting words and labels on those needs and emotions was key, I think. BigBro seemed light when we left. Like, he knew what it all was now. He had identified it and named it. It's a known quantity. Takes the edge off that fear and anxiety.

When I dropped him off at school, he greeted the teachers with his usual bright, "Hi!"

I know we're not done yet. But that relief well is doing its job. It's relieving the pressure and letting God do the rest.

Keep those prayers coming.

Uncorked

BigBro is having a rough go of it this month. The boys' dad moved back to town on 09/01. He's a 5 minute walk from our house. He's not mopey and he's already helped me out with sharing the kid care almost every day.

The boys are thrilled. But...so many emotional obstacles. BigBro finally uncorked at my friend's house tonight. Huge meltdown. All of the conflicting emotions he's been bottling came flying out when one teeny thing happened. Here's what was in the volcano:

1. BigBro hesitated to show how happy he is about their dad being back. He thought it might hurt me.
2. We are letting them choose where they want to sleep pretty often. BigBro was worried if he wanted to stay with parent A, it would insult or hurt parent B.
3. He's afraid dad will leave again.
4. He's glad dad is back but knows he really wants to live in Boston. He feels bad that dad can't be where he wants to live (I personally also think he feels guilt over this).
5. He feels bad that dad gave up all his friends.
6. He feels bad that dad gave up his band, job, life, etc.
7. He worried about dad's ex-girl thing because, well, he saw what a breakup can do.

He also feels guilty for having most of these feelings. It's a horrible vicious cycle.

Tonight, the boys were at my friend's house, playing with her two boys and a few others. The Ex and I went out for Indian food - the boys are not fans. Just as we wrapped up dinner, my phone rang and my friend told me BigBro was having a big meltdown and she wasn't making any headway with him. She got him on the phone and he wasn't making any sense. He was way beyond losing it.

When we got there, she came out to meet us. He had calmed down enough and uncorked on her. I think it helped having a totally neutral loving safe person to talk to. She explained that some game had gone bad (some boys not following rules - which sets BigBro off on even a good day) and that did it. UNCORK. So that one little pinhole became the egress for all of these pent up emotions. He had communicated #4-7 to me the other night. But I hadn't know all of the rest.

The boys went home with their dad tonight. I'm hoping that goes well. He hasn't had to deal with this close up for quite a while. I wish I had them. Ah well.

But to back track - since their dad returned, BigBro has been having exaggerated blinking, his finger/hand action (Spidey Hands), shoulder shrugging, and multiple little verbal tics. His threshold for dealing with problems has dropped. He's been having little emotional explosions here and at school. One happened this morning at school.

So the signs have been there. I knew something was up. And I knew it coincided with the return of The Ex. I know it's normal. I'm not worried about this being some long-lasting thing. But I can tell you this: I'm making an appointment with our awesome child counselor on Monday.

If you're the praying kind, my boys need it. LilBro clams up. So this could all be going on in his head, too. I don't know yet.

Like I told BigBro - God is bigger than this. He'll help BigBro control his body again. Now that we know what's going on and how to counter it. Come on, God!

First Day O' School - 2010

Today was the boys' first day of school. BigBro is in 5th grade and LilBro is in 1st. Didn't I just have them? Apparently, I better stop blaming post-partum baby-weight as the reason for my girth. Dang.

I spent yesterday fighting a migraine. So last night, I felt yucky and lazy and didn't want to cook. That latter part is nothing new. I just usually feel peppy and lazy and don't want to cook. But anyway, we went to the local pizza buffet. I had salad and pizza. The boys had pizza. It was yummy, cheap and fun.

Three hours later, it was unfun for me. Mom and I assume it was bad lettuce in the salad bar. I have no clue. I spent a good part of the evening in bed or on the terlit. Aren'tchya glad I shared?

The boys were too excited about school starting the next day. So I had frequent visits of "I can't get to sleep!"

I awoke feeling like punk this morning. Exhausted and unpeppy. It's a good thing we packed their lunches and backpacks the night before. Because I was off my game. Which is also why I don't have a gazillion photos. Dang it.

We drove to school knowing that the 1st day is when everyone else and their brother drives to school. No matter how many emails and letters the school send with instructions on where NOT to park, everyone parks there. So the streets surrounding the school became a tightly packed series of one-way streets. So we all ended up playing chicken to see who would win and get in or out of the school. I wish the school would hire me and a hand-picked group of parking nazis for that first day. I swear, you'd have a clear zone around that school where cars and buses could get in and out! But alas. They did not have me nor my minions.

We got out of the car and I had enough sense to snap this picture with my Blackberry. After burning the boys' retinas out by making them face the morning sun, we went to class. Both boys are very happy with their teachers. LilBro's 1st grade teacher was BigBro's 4th grade teacher last year. We ADORE her and were very happy to see her. BigBro's teacher is awesome. I'm told she is high energy and has extremely creative teaching plans. She is TAG (talented & gifted) certified so knows how to deal with those off-beat TAG kids that think outside the box. Outside the whole store, often times.

I love our school. I love knowing my boys are safe and surrounded by staff that actually care. One of my best friends works there as a teacher's aide so I know they have an on-the-spot emergency contact right there.

Last Friday night was Meet The Teachers night. I had the sense to bring my camera that night knowing the first day of school would be controlled mayhem. So I give you these two shots of the boys' teachers:

The Wonderful Ms. H and LilBro:

BigBro and The Fantastic Ms. F

The Boys and Their Dad

The Ex is moving back to Texas. Not only to Texas but to our town. Not only to our town but to the apartments within walking distance from our house.

The boys are understandably thrilled. I am immensely happy for them. They have missed him. And - selfishly? - I can't wait to have some help I don't feel guilty about.

I haven't written about The Ex in a while. It's hard to write honestly about it here because I don't find the bloggosphere a place for full disclosure.

He returns to his boys after much soul searching. The reality of what he did back in 2007 has finally really hit him. And I can't imagine it's easy to reconcile the good man he generally is in life with the dolt he was for the last three years.

God has been speaking some big huge stuff to me lately. Our pastor had two major lessons on forgiveness that just hit me between the eyes lately. The first right before The Ex told me he was moving back to the area. God's timing is all over this thing.

The Ex and I have worked very hard to maintain a friendship. So I will be glad to have my friend nearby.

God's working on this guy. I am looking forward to watching what He does. Because my boys deserve a Dad. Not just a voice on a phone.

Pokemon Boy is TEN!

On July 5th, Pokemon Boy turned TEN. Double digits. And I have to tell you, I hardly see any signs of Tourette's. He'll tell you he doesn't have it any more. The director at his after school care recently told me that he's not on their watch list. They used to have to watch for his huge highs and lows. They say he's just one of the kids.

All of his teachers (school, after school, church) say that he's a hoot. We went to the doctor yesterday and he was so eloquent and polite, it just blows me away. Most adults that meet him are really taken with him.

Now and then, I see the fingers wiggling. Sometimes he's a bit fidgety. But there are no more anxiety attacks. There are no more raging outbursts. I haven't seen a facial tic or heard a verbal tic in I don't know HOW long.

It's still there a bit. He still says that when I mention it, he feels it. So I don't mention it.

I have to tell you, if you think prayer doesn't work, all I can say is, keep trying. Tenacity. Pokemon Boy and I have been praying about his Tourette's since we found out. I have prayed for complete healing. My church has. My family has. I'm still not giving up because there are teeny traces still there. I have no doubt that Pokemon Boy's amazing progress is all God. How many kids with an anxiety disorder have it just disappear? And during a divorce, his mom being laid off, etc. Yah, that is ALL God.

I just had to share that. My boy is ten. He's an amazing person. I have no doubt that God has some big plans for him. And overcoming this Tourette's thing is probably part of it.

Here's a shot for you. This was spring 2001. He was about 9 months old. Couldjya DIE?!