Happy Pre-Birthday Weekend, Dad!

Monday is my dad's 80th birthday. I'm rather vexed that my work has asked me to travel to a very UNglamorous city for an even MORE unglamorous all-day meeting. I call it our divisional group hug. But without the hugging. And with more animosity and rolling eyes. Good times, that.

Normally, I would blow off said unglamorous work trip for my dad's much more important birthday. However, I haven't traveled for work in over 9 months. Thanks to the fun of watching my marriage dissolve and working on my divorce. So I can't really blow this one off. I've blown off quite a few pretty important work trips since I took my new position in April (the same day I uncovered all the lies). SO away I go on Sunday. Which is another thing. I hate flying on Sunday. I never work on Sundays. But again, I'm in a bit of a political pinch. I figure God is ok with this. Otherwise, he would have blown a winning lottery ticket into my house.

So tonight, I'm taking my parents out to a pretty nice steak house. Dad loves a good steak. The trick will be to get him to order like he wants to and not like he thinks my WALLET wants him to.

Tomorrow, my sister & bro-in-law are coming up. Dad wants basically a turkey dinner - with stuffing and the whole bit. Whatever an 80 yr old man wants? You give it to him. So tomorrow, I will eat well again! I will head to my work gathering looking about 20 lbs heavier, I'm sure.

So wherever you are, wish my dad a happy birthday in your head. I'm sure he'll pick up on the vibes!

Edited 11:29pm -
Wooooo-EE! Let me tell you, that place rocks. I just ROLLED in from hanging at my parents house - post meat fest. Dad, mom & I all had prime rib. Oh yah baby. That's the stuff. And dad loved it. The atmosphere of that place rocks and we had a wonderful (and adorable) waiter. And since I was paying, he got a good tip.

Must....digest....meat.....(mrmph).

My Blogger Friends ROCK!

I love the response I got from everyone on my last post. You guys are amazing.

One of the coolest things is that Wanda is going to actually send me one of her paintings to put on my wall!! She let me pick. I couldn't choose between the old truck and the girl in white. So she's going to surprise me by choosing between those two for me! Does she rock or WHAT?! I mean, in reality, none of us have ever met (excepting Trish & Kristen and my various family members lurking). But you guys support me like real friends do. I love it. I can't wait to see what Wanda chooses for me!

And to all the lovely ladies who have unfortunately walked where I am now: your strength and hope is one of the things that keeps me going. God has put you in my life to give me proof that, "See? I will get you through this." I really thank you so much for sharing your stories with me.

I have to tell you that I know I am being covered in some mighty prayer. How do I know? I'm sitting here all chipper and optimistic. All week. Since last Saturday, I have seen future ex every day or night. And each time, he takes more things and leaves more gaps. And every day, I have been fine. I haven't cried once. I haven't felt despair. I have even been able to rib him in a non-hostile way. So I know you and the rest of my wonderful support group are praying for me heartily.

I have to tell you this, too. Last night, we were emptying books off of shelves he was taking. At first, we were trying to divide them up by who owned what. But we ran out of time and just piled them all over the floor of whatever room they were in. At one point, he said, "You know, when you commented that I had so much 'stuff', I didn't realize...I don't know how I got so much STUFF!" I find it pretty telling that, he is walking out with so many physical possessions. He has also been working very hard to go out and purchase replacements for all of those things that will stay with me. So many blank spots and gaps are left in my physical world right now. I have no pressing angst to run out to replace any of them. And who is the one that is calm and peaceful? We all know that things won't make us happy. But I find this interesting - actual PROOF right in front of me.

Just thought I'd share.

I have started to incorporate many of your suggestions from my last post. I think the first item I will attack will be replacing that bed. And to paint my bedroom. I will also paint the living room (finally - I've had the color picked for over a year) as most of its walls are empty now. I already enlisted The Boy by telling him I would be framing some of his art to hang around the house. He is stoked, to say the least.

You're all so amazing.

Physical Realities

Starting this past Saturday, future ex and I have actually been dividing up the actual physical property. And it's not just a one day job. This will last a while. Going through the myriad of CDs & DVDs. Pulling pictures off the wall. Begrudgingly giving up a very few things from my kitchen. Is this your book or mine? It's a necessary evil - I really do want all of his stuff gone. It will help me in the moving-on department. But the reality of the blank walls and missing furniture sucks. And I have to verbally tie it all up in happy bows, complete with bunnies and unicorns for the boys. Oh don't worry about that table. You'll see it at daddy's apartment. Those pictures were daddy's so you'll see them there. Smile smile smile.

I mean, up until now, "divorce" has been more conceptual. Since the papers and legality of it all is still in the works, the only difference has been that daddy's gone (and mommy's wrestling to keep all sorts of negative emotions at bay). But now, these gaping holes in my home's decor...rather a jolting reality.

But as my counselor pointed out, the reality of those items being gone is helpful to me. Having constant physical reminders of him is not helping me. In all honesty, I want to sell my bed. For a while, I didn't even like sleeping in it. Represents too many lies to me. And how do you ever bring another man into that particular bed? Not that I'm looking to do that any time in this decade. But really - I wouldn't want to sleep in someone else's marriage bed. Or is that just me.

Anyway...blank walls. Yah, I know. An excuse to go shopping. Well, I'm one of those loons that doesn't want to just spend what I don't have yet. So every blank wall or space reminds me...oh yah...one more thing to save up for. I rather thought I had passed this phase - of piece-meal furnishings. Half-finished houses. That's something I thought I had left behind.

New beginnings...blah blah blah. Having trouble seeing the "yippee" in things right now.

Divorce sucks. Avoid it if you can. You can start by not marrying the wrong person. Don't settle. Don't make excuses and convince yourself that the wrong one is the right one. Start well and you'll have a better shot at finishing well.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Blah.

Donations for Andew - Update

I received this email today from the Impossibly Tall Rowing Woman, Jeanne:

Thanks guys for offering donations for Mari & Eric. In answer to our prayers, Mari's boss has stepped and made a significant donation towards the costs for laying Andrew to rest. So, Mari & Eric are thankful for your support, but would like to see all other donations go to Children's [Hospital (Boston)] or Brigham & Women's [Hospital (Boston)] to support the groundbreaking work that they do. There is a link to donate to Children's on Andrew's carepages website below. Blessings.

Donations for Andrew

For those of you that are asking, I am finding out if there is any kind of donation set up for Andrew's funeral costs. Or any other fund. I will post here when I find out.

Andrew Is With God

It kills me to post this. But you all have been so faithful in your support for little Andrew and his family. I am always blown away by faith and prayers given so freely for strangers. You all rock. Every last one of you.

I received this email from the Impossibly Tall Rowing Woman, Jeanne - Andrew's loving aunt:

Thank you all for all your prayers during Andrew's struggle. He passed away today after big downturn in his condition yesterday. We were able to visit him last night to say goodbye. After seeing how much his condition had worsened, I prayed that God take him to heaven rather than see him suffer like that anymore. I know God is welcoming him into His arms.

Please pray for Mari, Eric, and Will [3 yr old big brother] as they grieve. I can't imagine how hard this is for them. Here is what Mari & Eric posted on his support site:

"Andrew Thomas Haddock passed away today in his loving mothers arms at 2 P.M. in the Children's NICU. He was 4 1/2 months old. Andrew went very quickly and peacefully. We got to hold him and spend some special time with him in the end. Thank you for all the prayers and support throughout these past four months. It was a hard decision but Andrew's care was doing more harm than good. The doctors and nurses and Children's did an amazing job in trying to help Andrew get better but the infections took the best of him. If by miracle his body could recover from the sepsis, his brain had suffered such a tremendous injury he would not have had any decent quality of life. No parent should have to make that decision but we could not bear to see him suffer any more.

"We are so grateful to have had the 10 days we did with him at home and will never forget the footprint he has left on our lives and hearts. He was a very special little boy and we will miss him very very much. He has touched so many people in such little time. Again thank you for all the support and prayers and a special thanks to all the doctors and nurses at Children's and the Brigham. We will update with the funeral services once we have those in place."

Blessings

...And Have I Mentioned That My Mom Rocks?

My mom rocks. Have I mentioned that before? If not, please feel free to slap me for that oversight when next you see me. But warn me first. I tend to get rather vexed when seemingly attacked for no reason.

Anyhoo...today is day two of my annoying, albeit benign, head cold. I'm much more functional than yesterday. And I didn't have to blow my nose every 3 minutes like yesterday (maybe every 30 minutes). I actually only took decongestants once during the day (as opposed to the 5 times yesterday that didn't do diddly). I didn't feel like I had a pair of wet socks crammed into my sinuses (maybe just one tiny toddler sock). But I was still a whiny mouth-breather with chapped lips and an even chapped-er nose.

So when dinner time arose, I was sorely tempted to just drive to some greasy fast-food place. But the giant zit on my right cheek spoke to me and said, "Unless you want my twin on the other side, you might want to reconsider your plan." Wise giant zit.

Grumbling inwardly at the unfair weight of fixing dinner while sick (and of course doing the whole "oh pity me, I'm a single mom now" thing in the back of my head), I begrudgingly fixed my children something that would make Beck shudder and probably call DSS. I made them ramen noodles and broccoli. I know. Pretty awful. But I like it and figured noodles and kids - you can't miss!

Wow, this is totally not at all about my wonderful mom. Anyway - long story way too long - I'm sitting there sipping at my noodles, thinking about all the amazing food I have at my finger tips and how THIS was what I chose...and the doorbell rings. It's MOM. And she has brought me a little care packages of sorts. Or care grocery bags, would be more precise. She handed them to me at the end of a 16 foot pole. Well, not really but I'm sure she wouldn't have argued, had someone offered said pole. Both boys gave her tons of hugs (had to try to out-do each other). And then she was gone.

Mom dropped off a HUGE bag of fat, sweet, succulent pecans (and that's pronounced "puh-CAHNS". Don't ever call them "PEE-cans" around me. I will berate you thoroughly), a container of huge muffins and a big huge bag of green seedless grapes. I've already eaten a huge fistful of those pecans. I'm sitting here pondering a muffin, too.

But isn't that just the sweetest thing? She wanted to make me dinner yesterday but I dragged my butt to the Burger King drive through with the boys (yes, I get the mother of the year award for my nutritional stint these last few months). She called today to ask if there was anything she could bring me. Having just stocked my pantry with about 42 cans of various soups, nope, I was good.

So her surprise tonight of 3 of my favorite snack things, that just rocked. And I wouldn't even have known to pick those 3 things. But looking at them, I thought, this is PERFECT.

My mom rocks.

Keep Praying for Andrew

I received emails from both of the Impossibly Tall Rowing Couple from my Boston small group. Little Andrew - their nephew - is still in very serious shape. I don't think that even begins to describe his condition. So I'm asking two things: 1) pray for Andrew and his parents, Mari & Eric and 2) if you know anyone in the Boston area, please pass on the suggestion of donating platelets.

Here is the latest from Andrew's website:
September 18, 2007 at 10:47 PM EDT Andrew is almost at his limits as far as support goes at the hospital. We have not given up hope yet. He has been a strong fighter and has surprised us all in the past. He has surely pulled through some other difficult situations. Although his situation is quite critical, we cannot believe it is the end and will not give up hope. Some days he looks better than others but when one positive happens, then a one or two negatives follow. He cannot seem to release the extra fluid he is retaining and his urine output is not what it should be to help him with that. He still is fighting an infection somewhere but it cannot be pinpointed. He is on so many antibiotics that none of his cultures are coming back positive but all other signs lead to some infection somewhere in his little body.

We had a big meeting with all the members of his team which include surgery, neurology, neonatal, cardio, renal and infectious disease. They have not used all the tricks up their sleeves but are close. There still seems to be that single digit of hope, it is small but we will take it. They mentioned to us that he may possibly be the sickest baby at Children's and that Children's takes people from all over the world. He was a miracle four months ago and we hope he continues to be that miracle every day. So please still keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you all for praying. It is the most important and powerful thing we can offer.

Again, here is the info for donating platelets:
If you would like to donate platelets to Children's Hospital in Boston, you need to call to make an appointment at 617.355.6677.

Ah Kin Feel It A'Comin'!

Oh drat. I'm getting a head cold. Good gravy on toast, that annoys me. I feel like I've been rather healthy after along string of stress-induced illness. So I'm just annoyed at the totally raw feeling I have in my sinuses & back of my throat. Oh well. That's what I get for being the mother of two adorable boys that are sent off to their daily Petri dishes.

(Editorial: I realize the silliness of the "rather healthy" comment above as I reviewed recent posts about intestinal viruses. HA!)

I'm not really complaining. Just a wee bit annoyed. In the grand scheme of things, I'll take a head cold. So I'll go dose up with my decongestants that praise God for my cold. I've been reading way too many blogs and emails that have put things in a bit of perspective.

I will go pray health over Darlene, Sarakastic & Jane. I will go praise God with Angela. I will pray for little Andrew and his family. There are so many more. But a big part of my prayer time is spent (and I had to just change that from "spenting"...I'm getting tired!) just saying, "Thank you God..." while I just kind of picture people in my head that I'm thankful for. It's easier on my brain, for some reason, that actually going, "...for aunt so-and-so and uncle this-n-that..." and naming my legion of siblings and their kids, etc. But the funny thing is...when I thank God for my regular blogger chick pals? I tend to picture your profile picture or one of my favorite posts. So those of you with silly or non-facial or non-real-person profile picks usually get me to smile as I mentally thumb past your picture. (That would be you, Beck, Sarakastic, JenKneeBee, and UkranianDiva!) And if that doesn't get me giggling, the fact that I think of most of you by your blog nicknames and not your real names usually gets me. Thank goodness God has a sense of humor.

This post is all over the place. Rather like my brain at the moment. Time to go hit the meds and then my bed.

Snort.

Stoopid evil! (with a small E)

There are more things in life that you can count on aside from death and taxes. One is that, when you feel like you might be making progress in life (specifically moving toward God), the stupid so-called "prince" of darkness comes along and tries to whack you right back to square one. And being the imperfect human being I am, I usually give an initial reaction of sheer freak-out panic and oh-what-will-I-do-ness type stuff. (I'm good with the grammarification, no?)

Yesterday was such a day. The stoopid evil came along and tried to derail me. And it did for a while. Quite a few hours, actually. I spent way too much time crying, screaming, ranting, raging, panicking, wondering how I'd deal, wondering what will happen. Generally thinking oh woe is ME!

Now the one thing you can count on even more consistently than either death or taxes (because I have a book that shows he has power over BOTH of those) is that the God I follow? He's WAY stronger than the great dork of darkness. Even if this road block really does block the road I'm currently on (and it will try), why am I worried? God will give me a way over it, around it, under it, (insert your favorite preposition here) it. Or he'll just poof me another road completely. To quote the lovely Julie Andrews as Maria VonTrapp, "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." And I like to say it with her crisp little English accent, too. Makes it oh so much more fun!

Let this world try its best. God will get me through it and some day I'll be remembering this like, "Why was I so freaked out? Look how great things worked out!!"

Until then, I will keep pestering God. And I will forgive myself my human imperfections (because I pretty much took them all out and gave them plenty of exercise yesterday). And I will take a bunch of ibuprofen.

Functionalitificationator...whatever...

Yesterday was 9/11. It's a day I try to never let pass without really remembering. I didn't watch any of the retelling, recounting, documentaries. I have done so a few times over the years. But the real images that I saw in real time between frantic phone calls with my sister in NYC on the actual day? Those will stay burned in my head way beyond the rehashed well-edited stuff they keep churning out.

The whole story - all three planes - it never ceases to just blow my mind.

One item I received in my email inbox at the end of the day yesterday: the final draft of my divorce decree. I looked at that email, looked at the 9/11 date and thought, "I'm declaring jihad on my marriage!" and laughed. My boss thought it was funny, too. I have a sick and stupid sense of humor. The other irony is that this is the 2nd "final" draft of the divorce decree. So is this the final-er draft? And the next one I get - will it be the final-est draft? Or will it just be like, "Final draft #12 in a series"....collect all 66! Trade with your friends!

I was very busy today. Work was work. Busy work. I'm rejoining the fully functional working adults that have been carrying my sorry butt for months now. Each day, I become more like the old employee I was. And that's a good thing. A few years back, when I was newly a mother of two, my immediate corporate America told all of us IT dorks that we'd need to buckle down, suck it up, put our noses to the grindstone and squeeze out just a tiny bit more blood from our proverbial stone. Since the Y2K projects that started in 1997, there aren't many IT people that haven't been working ridiculous schedules almost every year. So to come to people who feel like they're already working 24/7, not taking vacations, not watching their babies grow up and ask, hey can you guys start giving just a little more? Oh...and for the same pay? Yah, that went over big. I remember going to my boss' office and crying as I told her she might want to move me onto a less critical project as I could only give 100% and not the 120% they were asking. Kind of, hey, demote me to the piddly systems that won't exist much longer so I can try to remember what my kids look like. I remember the look of sheer disbelief on her face. I figured she was disappointed that I wasn't going to just give up leaving the work building altogether. But she was shocked I was worried about my ability to deliver. She said to me, "I get more out of you in 8 hours than some people give in a week." I was floored. And it felt damned good. From that moment on, I knew I was valued and I knew I kicked butt at work. And I realized many of my coworkers recognized it, too. That's an amazingly freeing feeling - to know you are valued.

Well, when my personal world shattered back around the new year, I went from that amazing 100% awesome worker to that 80% awesome worker. It just kept going downhill until late April. When future ex walked out the door, I became non-functioning, giant-pile-of-goo-on-the-floor, worker. Confused, discombobulated, zombie worker. I felt like I was in a constant state of Homer-Simpson - blank stare and drooling. It was a terrifying place for me. I was literally unable to fully contribute. I could plod along on the easier points of my job. But most points of my job are anything but easy. It's all brain work. It's all date driven and needed last week. It's all thinking on the fly, design a plan with which you can build the Taj Mahal after being given two toothpicks, a rubber band and $5. And we do it. Every year my team pulls miracles out of the depths of nothing. I'm part of a team of cream-of-the-crop insane people. You'd never know the cream-of-the-crop part to see us as a group. We're the doofiest looking bunch of miscreants. And you'd never know it by looking at the IMs or emails we exchange to alleviate the boredom of red-tape-laden conference calls. But they're all the bomb. And I hated feeling like I was letting them down. Dead weight. I can't stand dead weight.

But these beautiful people that can drive me out of my mind...this collection of weirdos that make me frequently consider a job as a dog-walker - they all rallied to me. I didn't even know it. I'm pretty sure my boss just went all Patton on them and gave them some inspirational direction on my behalf. Because suddenly, my emails were being answered by one coworker. Production problems were being researched and resolved for me. People were showing up on conference calls as "backup" and pretty much bailing me out. Smoke and mirrors, my friends. Smoke and mirrors. The new projects I was working on as the main point of contact for my team? Many people were shocked to find out I had been going through this. Because my team of freaks had covered my butt so completely, so seamlessly. They made me look good.

In the last few weeks, I have been much more my old self. Not quite 100% of where I used to be. But I feel like I'm actually carrying my weight - or most of it. And my team is back to having all of its parts. I've actually helped other people out by helping them when they were barely treading water. It felt good. Their image of me as frail is fading. I'm no longer that dainty fragile thing that might turn to dust if you say the wrong thing. I can't stand being treated like I'm that fragile. It's even worse when you really ARE that fragile.

So today, I felt like I gave a full 100% for the first time in a long time. And it felt SO good. It felt so good to crank out some critical stuff that was needed immediately. It felt good to mock up some screen prototypes for the web coders. It felt good to play liaison between the customers and my tech team. It felt good to bring the new guy up to speed on what we do. And it felt good to exchange silly IMs with my boss during mind-numbing calls.

I am humbled and awed by the people I work with. I mean, the absolute love & support they threw my way is nothing less than God sent. And I will try to keep that in mind on the next status call when we all sound like a bunch of lobotomized keystone cops.

Testify - You GO, God!

Goodness I'm so sick of this roller coaster of divorce. I'd like to get OFF, already! For the love of all things holy, people. I'm so DONE with feeling sad, jealous, angry, vengeful, lonely, hurt, betrayed, [insert your favorite negative emotion here]. GAH!

Earlier this week - I don't recall which day, exactly - The Boy finally started asking more pointed questions about why I can't love daddy like a husband any more. Guh. I specifically didn't plan for this because I didn't want to over think an answer and muck things up. I figured God would put the words in my mouth. And he did.

The Boy was asking why can't I love daddy like a husband. I repeated what I have told him before - daddy lied to me and hurt me very badly. It's very hard for me to get past that. Well, that may have worked before. But not this day. Well, what did he lie about? Um....er....I uh....well, daddy never really loved me like you're supposed to love your wife. But he told me he did for lots of years and I believed him. So when I found out he really hadn't loved me all that time, it just really hurt me and blah blah blah blah. By the blank look on his face and the mental sound of crickets I had in my head, I knew this meant nothing to The Boy. In his mind, he still had not heard anything that could warrant a mom & dad breaking up their whole family. And I could read it in his face - Mom, why can't you just LOVE DAD AGAIN?! I could tell that he was thinking, if mom can just find it in her heart to love dad again, we can all be a family again. I knew I had to give him the hard evidence. SO I said, look, I wasn't going to tell you this until you were older. But I think you need to know. Daddy fell in love with someone else. And when you're married, you're not supposed to fall in love with someone else. His eyes got rather large and he just said, "Who?" Ugh. I didn't want to name her to him. I didn't want to give him this woman to romanticize. I mean, if daddy loves her, she must be pretty special, right? But I said, "Well her name is {she who will remain unnamed} and she lives in Boston. That's why daddy left to go to Boston for a while." He just sat there thinking. I didn't know what to do. I just prayed. So he finished his breakfast and we went about getting him ready for school. A while later I asked him if he was ok and did he have any questions or concerns. He just said, "Well not really. But now I finally understand better." He said it with such conviction, I totally believe him.

So he knows the truth. He knows I'm not asking him to hate daddy. And he has something concrete that he can think, "OK...THAT'S why mommy is so hurt. THAT'S why she can't love daddy any more."

It put future ex and his girl thing in my head a bit more than I wanted but I was ok.

On Friday, I spoke to future ex to discuss custody weekends and some legal stuff. We've been keeping a very healthy distance since he finally got a job. As I started explaining which weekends would be his, etc., he asked to switch one in October. Like an idiot (mostly from 16 yrs of habit), I just asked, how come. His tense answer of "I just have plans," made me realize he just has plans with the girl thing - ie: she will be coming to visit him here. There are so many levels on which this bothers me. Not the least of which being that their continued relationship represents such pain and evil to me. In my head, I keep expecting God's reap-what-you-sow to manifest in their relationship crashing and burning on such a large scale that you'd all see the flames from your windows. It is times like this I have to remind myself that A) I am not God [and you should all join me in thanking the real God on this point!] and B) I don't know what he has planned. I think that point B is always the hardest for us humans. Like, if he could just show me what he has planned for me - I don't need it right now. Just let me know what I'm heading toward...that would be enough. But God knows best and just says, "Um...yah, I'm God. So you need to kind of trust me, ok?" And so I'll wait to see what's in the big present under the tree.

But I'm losing track of my line of thought here. Good thing I'm just blogging and not trying to write a book here. So after my chat on Friday, I was seething. I was angry. I was mad. I was hurt all over again. I was mostly mad because the jealousy can still grip me. The man treated me like DIRT. No, worse than dirt! Why do I even WANT to be JEALOUS of such a bucket head? Honestly! But there it is. That green monster gripping your heart in such an all encompassing way, you just think you'll never be rid of it and how can you ever possibly survive this kind of pain? There are times when you just think it will NEVER end. You'll just feel like this forever and I can't live feeling like this forever.

So back I went to God. Throwing myself on him. Seriously, I'm so thankful that God is not like us humans because I'm sure that, by now, any other human would be screening my calls - running the other way - remembering that roast in the oven. I kept asking God to please take it all away. Make me stop loving him. Make me stop caring. Take the feelings of vengeance away. Take the anger. Take the sadness. Take the loneliness. Take it ALL. Just move me on - get me past it. Let's GO already - on to me being fine with being alone. Let's get to that I'm-so-incredibly-strong-on-my-own part of the story. Let's move me to that so we can get a little closer to the Prince Charming part of my story that I know will come. I feel like God has told me that is coming. But not yet.

It wasn't helping. The bad feelings weren't being poofed away. I wasn't instantly happy. It didn't even pass in one day like things have been for me lately. It was sticking, this yicky feeling. And I didn't even notice. I was denying it all.

Today I went to church like normal. Packed the back of my car up with a ton of food for church and off we went. It felt like any other Sunday. I got there, started setting up the food service with one of my friends. And she asked, "Are you tired today? Or is something wrong?" I was like, huh? I'm fine. Later, someone else asked if I was ok. Was there anything they could do for me. What is WRONG with all of these people. I'm FINE, I tell yah! A third person mentioned I didn't seem quite myself and I swear I almost yelled, "I'M FINE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!" which of course would have totally convinced them of my mental stability. So when one of my closest friends in church looked at me as I tried to read the lesson for my toddler class and said, "Are you ok today?" I just teared up and said, "No. No I'm not," and proceeded to tell her of the impending visit to our area from the girl thing. She was changing her baby on the changing table and told me, "Oh I want to come over there and give you a hug but she'll just roll off the table!" Which was pretty funny to me but I couldn't muster the chortle. So I retreated to the ladies' room and quietly sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and hoped no one heard me. And I couldn't stop. The damn broke. And I'm thinking, oh great. I have to teach the toddler class in like 5 minutes!

As I stood there with my forehead pressed against the cold cement wall of the ladies' room, I remembered, oh yah! There's this God who totally loves me and wants me to bring all of my burdens to him. So without any of the flowery talk, I just cried on God as if he were in that stall with me (which he obviously was). I just said, "Oh God, I can't TAKE it any more. I'm so TIRED of being sad and lonely and mad. And I'm so sorry for all the stupid things I've been thinking about future ex and his girl thing. And I just need you to take it away. I'm trying so hard to give it to you but it's so HARD. I'm HUMAN. Why'd you make me HUMAN?! I give it all to you, God. In the name of Jesus, I give you my life, my children's lives, my marriage, my family. I give you future ex and his girl thing. And I accept whatever you have. Whatever your plan is. Just help me deal with whatever you have planned."

And then I heard someone come in and figured I better mop up my face, pull it together and go pretend I was functional. I talked some more to my wonderful friend who just stood there, loving me so completely and not caring that this was the 942nd MILLIONth time I had cried on her. Then I went and taught the toddlers. Those goofy bunch of miniature people. And when church was over, both of my boys ran up and gave me the most sincere hugs, verbally declared their love for me and how wonderful I was, and ran off to play. Then, I went with my parents and kids to my sister's house. We stayed there all afternoon and celebrated the birthday of my Impossibly Tall Brother-In-Law. It was so much fun. What a wonderful day.

As I drove home (man, this short blog entry is turning into yet another War & Peace tome), my cell phone rang and I saw it was future ex calling. Now, a few hours earlier and my heart would have just twisted up. But it didn't. Although, I didn't notice that at the time. He was calling to ask if he could take the boys to dinner - which was perfect because I could use a little alone time. And when he showed up as I pulled in the driveway, my heart still didn't twist into that black hole of pain. And when I saw him, nothing. Didn't bother me. Usually, when I've been in one of my emotional pits, I am cold as ice to him. I give very unsubtle body language to make sure he understands the cobra hood is wide open and he should tread VERY lightly. I didn't do any of that. I was pleasant, polite and that was it. When he returned the boys, I was planting mums in the front yard and again, didn't care when I saw him. It was THEN that I realized - HOLY GUACAMOLE! God is doing it! God is poofing me! I honestly didn't care when I looked at him. Normally, I see him and my heart sinks. Or I want to rip the stupid glasses (that the girl thing picked for him) from his face and crush them under my heel. Or I want to shave his oh-so-precious "cool" sideburns right off. Or I want to think of the perfectly cutting acerbic thing to say that will just wither him to an insignificant lump of dried dung. None of which I ever do. But today, it was just, oh...here he is to pick up the boys. Or oh, there he is dropping off the kids. YAWN.

Once he left, I walked around just going, "Wow God!! I can't believe this! I didn't feel a THING! You are AMAZING! You totally ROCK! I love you so much! You are totally the BOMB, God!"

When I told my mom this story a little while ago on the phone, it was she that kind of recounted the timeline of the day. She's the one that showed me, look what a mess you were around 10am. And look at what a happy perfect rest of church he gave you. And the fun day at my sister's house. And then the total no-pain experience when I saw him!! I mean, I was just devastated in the ladies' room at church. And here I was just la-dee-da-dee-dum.

I love that I can just dump on God. I can talk all unpretty to him, bawling, snot running down my face, ugly cry-face and all. And he took it. And he honored it. And he poofed me into a gorgeous wonderful day. And he poofed protection around my heart. And he is showing me over and over, "This guy is NOT who I have for you. I have something much better for you." Not some ONE. Some THING. What ever it is, I know it is SO much better than what I've already tasted. And I know he'll honor my boys in this plan. I know he'll bring them through this to be strong honorable young men who know the value of commitment and understand that wives and marriages are not disposable.

God rocks. Completely.

You GO, God!

Prayers for Andrew Please

I haven't looked back in my blog to be sure. But I think I posted about Andrew back in May. This tiny little boy needs your prayers.

Andrew was born around May 5th - I think he was a 25 week preemie. Andrew is the nephew to the Impossibly Tall Rowing Couple from my small group back in Boston. They are dearly loved by Trish and me and hosts of others. They are fantastic people and I would do almost anything for them.

I am praying big and believing in God's promise of good things. I am asking you all to stand in the gap for Andrew's family who must be having such an enormous struggle to keep it together. They are so swamped with the day to day of their vigil, I'm asking that you pray in their stead.

If you are anywhere near the Boston area, they need people to donate platelets. Even if you're not, you might want to consider donating in your area as it's such a simple thing to give and so critical too someone at some time!

Apparently there is a shortage in Boston and Andrew needs platelets the most. It is a long process and takes about 2 hours but would be most appreciated. You would need to call to make an appointment at 617.355.6677. They cannot be direct donated to Andrew but will be prioritized and unfortunately (or fortunately) Andrew is on top of that list.

Here is an excerpt from Andrew's website:

"They were able to isolate three forms of bacteria today: staff, ecoli and a blood infection that I cannot recall the name of. He is slowly making progress (very slowly) but is still extremely critical. He is having some underlying seizures and they are still trying to figure out what is causing them. He is slowly making urine, which is critical to fighting the bacteria and excreting the excess fluid they are pushing in. He also is beginning to blister from all the excess fluid. It seems as if some of the things they need to do is causing damage elsewhere but they need to prioritize his care and deal with some of the after effects at a later date. They have approached us about certain steps to think about such as dialysis if his kidneys start to fail and a lung bypass machine if his respiratory starts to fail. Both of these options would need some serious thought plus we are not even sure if he can survive the initial procedures. It is going to be a very long road back to a healthy recovery.

Before Andrew came home he had an MRI for a research study which will actually come in handy for the neurologists in examining the before and after effects of his illness. The good news, his brain looks normal after all he had been through being a 25 week preemie but we will now have to wait to see the results after this episode and the effects of the seizures.

Once again, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers the next 48 hours will tell us a lot and we will keep you updated."

Thank you for the prayers I know you're already sending up as you read this.

Trish's Video

Now, I'm going to give you guys a link to watch a video of Trish. I know she'd never put this on her blog. But I love and adore her and think her testimony is so great so I'll totally exploit her here. This testimony is similar to the one she gave in front of the church way back in 2005 while a cynical snot-nosed brat (ie - me) sat there rolling her eyes and thinking she would never have anything to say to this crazed woman that was speaking. Thankfully, I was woefully wrong.

Go to this link and you'll see Trish's picture as the first one. Click on Trish and you can watch and listen and marvel at her beauty (or maybe that's just me).

http://www.bostonvineyard.org/impossiblygreat/

Enjoy!

Big Giant Gloopy Gobs of Love

Thanks for the well wishes. I'm much better. Still feeling a bit delicate (not a word frequently used to describe any part of me). So I'm being careful to avoid places like Sonic - where they deep fry like everything.

Today I am very oddly possessed by this overwhelming feeling of love. It is the strangest thing. I'm sitting here on this incredibly boring all-day conference call. And I feel this incredible urge to call or IM or email all of my friends to tell them how much I love them and how great they are. Lucky for me, I was able to IM Kristen and do that. I emailed Trish her big blob o' love yesterday. I just feel so insanely blessed with wonderful true friends. The kind that will be there for you no matter what, when, why, etc. I am so totally gooby with love that I would give everyone a giant group hug if you were all here.

I told Kristen that this feels so silly and weird. And she said that usually when you feel something so strongly, it's the Holy Spirit working. And it must have been. Because when I IM'd her a dose of big warm & fuzzy mushy stuff, it was exactly what she needed today. Isn't that funny? I just thought I was being all gloppy and dorky and it just totally hit home for her.

See, this is one of many reasons I love God.

And on Friday, when I was laying in bed wishing someone would buy me a new GI tract, I got a phone call from one of my closest friends in Boston. She was in horrible emotional pain. And I was only at home because I was sick. If I had been ok, I would have been at my parents' house. So my lovely little virus served a purpose. She told me, "I knew I'd call you and you'd make me feel better!"

God can use all things for good. Even nasty intestinal viruses. Take THAT evil!

I'm a dork.

Things With Which I Am Currently In Love...

How I Spent My Labor Day Vacation...

Two words: Intestinal. Virus.