Friday, May 11, 2007

Need a 12-Step Program

I will confess a pathetic addiction. If I confess it to you all, that will be the first step - admitting I have an addiction.

I am addicted to talking to my future ex. And the addiction is much deeper than just wanting to talk to him. I'm very incorrectly looking for resolutions to my pain, heartbreak, feelings of unworthiness. Things like that. I am looking for answers and "fixing" from him. Which - as you can all see from the lovely spot you have outside of this whole mess - is very very wrong. I know I need to turn to God for these things. But sometimes the human idiot me takes over. I have just had a stern talking-to with the human idiot me so she turns to God - not future ex.

When I went to bed last night and couldn't stop crying...I decided to call him. He was my best friend for 15 yrs. He claims to still care about me (although every action for the last 4 months proves that is a near impossibility). So I thought, well, he'll understand. He might even utter something like, "Yah, I miss you, too." Does anyone see that I'm living out some of those awful scenes from bad love stories? The kind that make you yell at the TV things like, "Don't CALL him, you silly git! He's not WORTH it!!!" But I can't hear you all yelling through the TV screen. Or...I hear you all yelling but really like the pain of rejection or something. I'm not sure.

So I called him. And he sincerely sounded sad for me. Which helped. I could tell he felt bad. But then I could tell he was talking very softly - like you do when you don't want to wake up the person next to you. So yah, I should have listened to you all yelling at me to not call him. I had held some small hope that he would respect the end of our marriage by not running straight to his girl thing. But he did. What was I thinking?

I just made a pact with a girlfriend: Whenever I feel like calling him, I'll call one of my strong female friends in stead. So this way, I'll actually HEAR you yelling "Don't CALL him, you silly git!"


Wanda said...

Oh, how we all need strong female friends. I'm so glad you have a support group of those....we all love you girl, and pray for you daily..
Love and hugs and prayers as always.

Trish Ryan said...

It's the hardest of the end-of-relationship commandments: Thou shalt not pick up the phone. I broke it again, and'd think I would have learned, as not one of those calls EVER led to anything other than me feeling like dirt.

You have alternative numbers (she says, remembering not to post hers on the internet...) use them :)

(okay, this is too funny - the word verification for this post is "stopz." So there you have it: STOPZ calling :) )

Beck said...

It's SO hard. I've found it helped, in the past, to tape a note to the phone with "DO NOT CALL HIM" written on it. Call those friends!

Stacy said...

I'm so sorry you're suffering Lynette. Could it be therapeutic to write him letters and then shread them? You don't get to hear his voice that way, it is true, but you'd get to express your thoughts and feelings.

ellesappelle said...

I have to admit I do the "good advice" thing a little too much with my friends. I know exactly how one should behave in certain situations. But when I'm in them myself, that voice of reason just doesn't come through and you suddenly realise that even though advice may be simple, it's actually very complicated at the same time. So good luck with hearing that little voice, and call your friends!

LEstes65 said...

Wanda - I love your support - on and off blog.

Trish & Beck - I think I'll combine your posts and put "STOPZ CALLING" on my phone!

Ellesappelle - I am (like most people) the queen of giving advice I can't keep. I know I would be slapping my own hand, could I but clone myself.

You all rock.