I will confess a pathetic addiction. If I confess it to you all, that will be the first step - admitting I have an addiction.
I am addicted to talking to my future ex. And the addiction is much deeper than just wanting to talk to him. I'm very incorrectly looking for resolutions to my pain, heartbreak, feelings of unworthiness. Things like that. I am looking for answers and "fixing" from him. Which - as you can all see from the lovely spot you have outside of this whole mess - is very very wrong. I know I need to turn to God for these things. But sometimes the human idiot me takes over. I have just had a stern talking-to with the human idiot me so she turns to God - not future ex.
When I went to bed last night and couldn't stop crying...I decided to call him. He was my best friend for 15 yrs. He claims to still care about me (although every action for the last 4 months proves that is a near impossibility). So I thought, well, he'll understand. He might even utter something like, "Yah, I miss you, too." Does anyone see that I'm living out some of those awful scenes from bad love stories? The kind that make you yell at the TV things like, "Don't CALL him, you silly git! He's not WORTH it!!!" But I can't hear you all yelling through the TV screen. Or...I hear you all yelling but really like the pain of rejection or something. I'm not sure.
So I called him. And he sincerely sounded sad for me. Which helped. I could tell he felt bad. But then I could tell he was talking very softly - like you do when you don't want to wake up the person next to you. So yah, I should have listened to you all yelling at me to not call him. I had held some small hope that he would respect the end of our marriage by not running straight to his girl thing. But he did. What was I thinking?
I just made a pact with a girlfriend: Whenever I feel like calling him, I'll call one of my strong female friends in stead. So this way, I'll actually HEAR you yelling "Don't CALL him, you silly git!"