Tell me why a man who just spent the last 4+ months shredding every ounce of faith that you had in your marriage, yourself, in men in general...why would that man call you on mother's day and leave a message saying he just wanted to wish you a happy mother's day? Honestly. I'm trying so hard not to be a bitter angry person here. But if being the mother of his children meant something, why didn't it mean enough to tell me the truth for the last 4 years? Why didn't it mean enough to maybe wait until after the divorce to get a new girl thing? Why didn't it mean enough for him to not call his girl thing every day on our home phone while I was in the next room? Why didn't it mean enough to not hide all sorts of horrid goodies from said girl thing all through my house for me to find? I found his happy-sounding little message so inappropriate and insulting. I just spent my first mother's day as a single mom with people who really love me. People who would cross oceans and desserts for me. People who build me up not just as a person but in God. Why does he think I would want to hear any kind of good wishes from him at this early stage?
The first thing I do every morning is try to remember to pray. This is an improvement. For the longest time, the first thing I'd do every morning is wake up and go, "Oh wow...it IS real. Damn!" and then get all sad, depressed, angry, jealous, vengeful, etc. So now I just wake up and go, "OK God. Here I am again. You have to take all these feelings of sadness, depression, anger, jealousy, and vengeance. You have to take them because I'll just screw up if I try to deal with them or act on them. Then I have to ask him to take all of the images out of my head that relate to future ex and his girl thing. Even simple pictures like the two of them sitting in her back yard hanging out. Just get them out of my head, God. Help me to concentrate on surviving and getting back to the world of the living. Help me to function at work today. Fill me with anticipation and excitement for whatever it is you have planned for me in the future. Help me to live well and prosper so the world can see how you saved me. Help me to somehow bring glory to your name.
It ain't easy.