Monday, May 14, 2007

It Ain't Easy

Tell me why a man who just spent the last 4+ months shredding every ounce of faith that you had in your marriage, yourself, in men in general...why would that man call you on mother's day and leave a message saying he just wanted to wish you a happy mother's day? Honestly. I'm trying so hard not to be a bitter angry person here. But if being the mother of his children meant something, why didn't it mean enough to tell me the truth for the last 4 years? Why didn't it mean enough to maybe wait until after the divorce to get a new girl thing? Why didn't it mean enough for him to not call his girl thing every day on our home phone while I was in the next room? Why didn't it mean enough to not hide all sorts of horrid goodies from said girl thing all through my house for me to find? I found his happy-sounding little message so inappropriate and insulting. I just spent my first mother's day as a single mom with people who really love me. People who would cross oceans and desserts for me. People who build me up not just as a person but in God. Why does he think I would want to hear any kind of good wishes from him at this early stage?

The first thing I do every morning is try to remember to pray. This is an improvement. For the longest time, the first thing I'd do every morning is wake up and go, "Oh IS real. Damn!" and then get all sad, depressed, angry, jealous, vengeful, etc. So now I just wake up and go, "OK God. Here I am again. You have to take all these feelings of sadness, depression, anger, jealousy, and vengeance. You have to take them because I'll just screw up if I try to deal with them or act on them. Then I have to ask him to take all of the images out of my head that relate to future ex and his girl thing. Even simple pictures like the two of them sitting in her back yard hanging out. Just get them out of my head, God. Help me to concentrate on surviving and getting back to the world of the living. Help me to function at work today. Fill me with anticipation and excitement for whatever it is you have planned for me in the future. Help me to live well and prosper so the world can see how you saved me. Help me to somehow bring glory to your name.

It ain't easy.


Beck said...

It certainly isn't easy. It sounds like he really wants to make himself feel good about his choices, doesn't it.
You have your priorities in the right place. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this.

Trish Ryan said...

Go too Google right now and search for "husband knife holder" under "images."

There's nothing wrong with making this your screen saver. Or sending it in an email.

Just a suggestion...

Jane said...

Good morning, Lynette. Oh, how I can relate to so much of what you say. I've really been there and I know that feeling of hatred towards him. At one point before my ex moved out he was unemployed. I picked up extra hours and counted on him to be there for the kids when they got home. What I would find at the end of my long day is my ex and my children huddled around his computer talking to his girl thing on a webcam. For a long time, my motto was: a shotgun, a shovel and an extra large trunk.

Who knows how I've gotten to this point now. I'm sure it's God stepping in. Yesterday, I spent the day with people who love and care about me and that felt good.

I think your soon to be ex is experiencing some guilt over his horrendous behavior. What comes around goes around. In all probability, this new "girl thing" won't really be a forever thing. One day, he'll be sitting around feeling badly about how he left but it will be too late because you are a strong, beautiful woman who will find her strength in all of this.

Kristen said...

I'm not surprised he did that given his pattern of stupid decision-making these last few months. I'm glad you were with people you love and that love you yesterday. Keep praying, and we all will, too.

Wanda said...

Lynette: Again, I must say your are a remarkable woman. You express yourself so well, even though I know your pain, I feel like I'm reading a Novel I can't put all this hurt, your talent for the gift of writing is shinning through!
Going to prayer every morning is such a great way to start any day.
I love you girlfriend...
Keep writing...and keep praying!! They are both healing for the soul.

Jeani said...

You have a good heart and a relationship with God. Just let your loved ones, love on you and let God hold you in his arms. Be gentle with yourself when you get upset, angry, sad or whatever. If you weren't struggling now, you would be not even be a person.
Let God work out the details because I have learned he handles things in a much better way than I can. One Day at a Time!!!
You are doing great!!!