Well today, future ex takes a plane to his former home town. 1600 miles away from us. He's leaving a blessed life where the cost of living is actually livable and - most confounding - where his gorgeous boys are. He is walking away from someone who was part of his life for 15 yrs with such ease. It blows my mind. God is good and is keeping the heartbreak down to a dull numb. He is keeping my anger to the same level. I'm prepared to help my boys. It hasn't hit them yet. Pokemon Boy's counselor said it will hit within the next few days when future ex isn't showing up on our doorstep every minute.
Through this whole thing, I have been relatively gracious. He has treated me horribly over the last year - the depths of which I only just found out this past few weeks. He has crushed my heart and taken so much from me. Yet he keeps coming around asking for more. And I give it because, really, what is a little free laundry or a little money or a little this a little that in the grand scheme of things. Some day, I pray he wakes up and realizes the full extent of his cruelty. I hope he wakes up and sees how amazing I was through this whole thing. I hope he wakes up and is truly horrified by every awful thing he did. And I hope his insides are gnawed raw when he realizes he won't see his kids for about 320 days out of each year.
And I still pray that God somehow reveal himself to future ex. In a way that future ex can't just write off as indigestion or some weird dream. May God be the true God of future ex. I'm sad it won't be with me. But I'd rather be sure that future ex somehow ends up in the arms of the only one that can truly bring happiness.
In the mean time, if God sees fit to give him a good whoopin', I'm ok with that, too.
10 comments:
I think the whoopin' is coming. God can kick some butt here in Boston; I've seen it happen.
I woke up praying for you and the boys this morning...bless you right now, and all week long!
Lynette, you are doing so well through all of this and I am so PROUD of you.
I do want to share just a tiny bit of my experience with my ex. Initially when we decided to separate and divorce, we HATED each other. He had taken up residence with an incredibly wealthy woman and flaunted his new life style quite willingly. I prayed the God would make horrible, nasty things happen to him. It was such a painful and hurtful time. As time went on, God planted forgiveness in my heart. It wasn't even soemthing I asked for or could control. Suddenly, I just found myself forgiving and accepting him, and everyone around me, for who he was. A certain peace fell over me and letting go of all the hatred and bad feelings has been the most freeing thing in my life. I still have a bad day here or there but generally feel that forgiveness has been a key to my path.
In time, after the wounds and hurts are not so fresh and raw, I think you will let go and it will feel so good and free.
In the meantime, you are doing a fantastic job of weathering this storm for you and your boys. You will all come out of this with some peace and calmness and renewed sense of strength.
Oh, I also wanted to note that you may find your boys will actually be happier in the long run without all of the tenseness that was going on in the house for the past year. They will pick up on your strength and begin to thrive with out the "dead weight" hanging around the house. Kids do pick up on everything even when we think they don't see anything.
Lynette - You are wonderful and God will help your little family get through this. And hopefully he does find some way to get through to future ex. Still praying for you...
You're right you are amazing!
Trish - you rock.
Jane - believe it or not, I've been asking for God to get me to the place where I can forgive and accept. It's coming. But it's a ways off still. The lack of tension in the house has been palpable since he moved out.
Jenkneebee & Sarakastic - I'm so glad I know you guys. Thanks!
Lynette: I just need to say "ditto" to trish, jane, jen, and Sara...You are doing so good.
Jane, your story touched me too. What good advice someone who has been there can give....
I have not been there...But I will continue to pray and love on you...
XOXO
I love reading thoughts from this little "blog circle". What an encouragement, even to me who's not going through it! YOU rock, Lynette - and don't you ever let satan whisper any other thought but that into your head! Only by the grace and goodness of God, and by the blood of the Lamb, but you ROCK!!
Amen to what everyone else has already said. I was reading more in that book I was telling you about, and when you're ready, I think it would really speak to you (What's So Amazing About Grace?). But give yourself time. Everything is raw, and it really hasn't been that long since this whole nightmare began.
Praying always for you and the boys.
p.s. Do I get credit for the whoopin' comment? ;-)
Kristen - the Jesus whoopin' is definitely borrowed from you!!!
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