Well, it's been 2 weeks since the whole thing officially blew up in my face. It's been a total of 4 months that I knew some really horrible stuff was going down. But I always thought it was fixable until April 18th.
Mom flew out (and has single-handedly carried this household). Future ex moved out and spent a week doing really awful stuff that was so painful and damaging to me, it removed any hope of fixing things (even though he tossed the nugget of reconciliation at me even as he played house with his new girl thing). During that horrible week, I begged God to fast forward me through all the crap so I could just make it to the other side as that strong independent woman everyone seems to know I already am. I thought it was just a funny prayer and God would be more like, no, you need to slowly wade through the large lake of putrid horror that is before you and you will learn much, grasshopper. You know, much like some kind of "Kung Fu meets the Lord of the Rings" novel.
This past week, I have been all over the map with my emotions. But I have to tell you...God surely has fast forwarded me through the bulk of the horror show. Future ex would whine that he never knows which me he'll be dealing with each day. Oh poor him. How inconvenient for him that I can't just be stoic and give him blessings on his new life with his new girl thing. Bite me. But my mom and people who are dealing with me day to day? They'd tell you that I sound and look amazing for just being 2 weeks into the most painful betrayal of my life. God has given me some amazing peace. I had two days where I felt like I could have seen future ex and his girl thing making out and I would have just been like, whatever. I've had a few days where I feel much more like removing the leash and muzzle from my lawyer to let him do whatever damage he can do.
But God has my heart. And I will take the high road. I will settle w/ future ex in a fashion that is way more than he deserves. But it will be above board and clean and I will have a clean spirit after all is said and done.
My prayer continues to be that God continue to fast forward me through the whole thing. And that he protect my boys. And that future ex and his girl thing come to reap what they have sown. And on my better days, I still pray that God will reveal himself to future ex. That future ex will some day know the peace and happiness that is brought by God being in your heart - not by money and possessions and toys.
I'll update you on the boys tomorrow. But God is fast forwarding them through this as well.
Love you all.