Second, I have to thank my friends Wyatt & Shari. They called me today and the first thing Wyatt yelled into the phone was "DON'T CALL HIM YOU SILLY GIT!!!" I died laughing. And then they offered to be my sponsor - I can call them any time when I am feeling weak! A special shout out to them as they are having contractions and may have a mother's day baby. And they better name her after ME!
I'll give you an update on the boys now.
The Boy: He's six (almost seven) and very aware of things. He was crushed when we announced we were divorcing. It's so hard because he just doesn't want this. And neither do I. And that's all I can tell him. I can commiserate and say I don't want this either. But that's it. At one point, we were laying on my bed cuddling while he cried. He kept saying he wanted to die. I could just FEEL the heart break coming from him. It killed me because it was the same heart break I had experienced multiple times over the last 4 months. I just held him and prayed to God to remove this heart break. That happened a few times. But he's doing a lot better with it. Today, he told me that some day he might have a step-dad. It's so hard not to just laugh and say things like, "Not if I can help it!" But I'm not going to allow myself to turn into a man-hater. So he's right. Someday he might have a step dad - although I can't fathom that kind of thing at this point. He was pondering whether that would bother dad or not. Again, I was thinking, "Hardly - since he already has a replacement for ME!" But I can't say that, obviously. So The Boy is thinking a lot and asking questions and talking about things. We also got The Boy a counselor. He's a Christian play therapist. He seems great and The Boy loves him. He'll go every week until we think it's not warranted. The only thing I notice is that The Boy is showing a bit more frustration and anger lately. Nothing horrible. But just having trouble dealing with things not going his way - like most kids. But it's a smidge more frequent and a smidge more...well...too much anger for the situation, you know? I imagine this is so hard on him - the divorce is NOT what he wants. So I think he's overreacting to any situation that is not what he wants. So I try to be patient. Which is hard. Because I feel so overwhelmed. But God is good and keeps me in check.
Lil Bro: He's three. And he worships daddy. This is really hard. Because my pain makes it hard for me to hear anyone worship future ex. At this particular moment, he is not a man that deserves any kind of praise. But I understand that Lil Bro loves his daddy and misses him. One funny thing that happened a couple of weeks ago: The Boy was crying over the divorce news. It was awful and I was trying to just calm him and talk to him. Lil Bro didn't really understand why The Boy was so upset. So I told him, well, The Boy is upset that daddy won't be living with us in our house any more. Lil Bro thought for a moment and then went, "Mommy...we need to get a new daddy!" I mean, it was just too cute and of course my thought was, "No. Actually we DON'T!" So I explained that we don't need a new daddy because their daddy will always be their daddy. I think he gets that.
So I often repeat a few themes the one or both of the boys:
- Daddy is still your daddy and always will be.
- The only thing that changes for you is that daddy won't be my husband and I won't be his wife. Every other family relationship stays the same for you.
- None of this is your fault. It is totally between mommy & daddy. (This one they seem to understand. Because it hasn't had to be discussed often. Which is nice. But I make sure it's repeated every now and then.)
- You will always be taken care of and loved. Always. Nothing in this changes that.
- You are loved. You always have been and always will be. (That's an easy one as I tend to tell them this like every five minutes.)
I know most of you are praying for us. Please keep these boys in your prayers. I know I'll survive. I just figure the more prayer coverage these boys have, the better.
So happy mother's day and thanks for all of the wonderful love you're sending our way.