No, this isn't about my favorite TV show Heroes. This is just a thought about the group of heroes that I've been forced to join. I doubt any one of them chose their hero role. But they are still my heroes. Single Parents. They have always been my heroes. I always knew their role was rough. But now that I'm in it - and just starting out? Well, they are even MORE my heroes.
I know plenty of single parents. Jane is one of my newest heroes. She amazes me. I want to get to the place that I see her in. I want to have the confidence and excitement she has as she attacks each day. And Jane, I know you have your moments - I don't think you're perfect. But you're someone I can look to and say, ok, I want to get THERE. You're an inspiration to me.
My beautiful aunt Brenda. She's another one. I am sadly reliving a version of her story. I find great hope in her story because she ended up marrying one of the most wonderful Christian men ever to have graced God's green earth - my wonderful uncle Larry. My sister has reminded me on quite a few tearful occasions, "Don't worry...God will send you your 'Larry'!"
For the last week, I guess, God has moved me to a much less painful place. When I think of future ex and his girl thing, it doesn't kill me any more. The jealousy, pain and betrayal are all there. Don't get me wrong. But they don't overwhelm me with that heart ache that honestly feels like I will die. I feel more of a...I guess a disappointment. Like, I think about things he's done or they've done to me and I kind of mentally just shake my head and wonder what in the world. I still wish I didn't have to deal with him at all. It would be SO easy if I could just cut all the threads and never have to see him or talk to him ever again. But alas 'tis not to be.
I still pray for God to watch over the big goober. He certainly needs it. He is making horrible life decisions and he needs God to save him from himself. I worry about his own personal issues that have been so glaringly brought to light these past few months. But I turn it over to God and leave it at that.
The stuff that can still put me in panic mode is the child care. Seven years my boys were taken care of in our house by their father. Imperfect man or not, he did a great job. And I never had to worry about them. I watched so many of my friends cry at work after leaving their new babies in the care of someone else. I have no idea how they were able to function. But they did. And now, I have to go through that letting go. I'm much less worried about Lil Bro as he is such a typical three year old. I'm probably worrying too much about The Boy. He'll probably deal just fine. But I do worry about his anxiety disorders and his lack of social boundaries. I've been praying for God to send me the perfect day care solution for my boys. I have some good ones lined up that I am comfortable with. So I am assuming they are what God has planned. But the human mommy still worries.
And then there's the whole money part of it. Holy guacamole! Even down here in the land of affordable housing, day care is expensive. And as all you primary custody parents know, child care payments won't offset even a third of the cost. It just gets scary.
It's hard to keep the anger and resentment in check. I'm so mad at future ex for doing all of this to us. For taking my beautiful boys out of their comfort zone. Of taking their father from them. Of cutting my standard of living. For forcing me to do all of this alone. For making me do all the work.
But God will get me through.