My beautiful boys are so awesome. They are dealing with their father's leaving as well as you could hope. I know they are being covered in amazing amounts of prayer. Today was a day that made me see how it's affecting them. And it hit future ex especially hard today.
The Boy went to his weekly counseling yesterday. He meets with a Christian play therapist. I'm told he entertained with a very long story involving dinosaurs (his favorite current topic) and a snake. The counselor usually only gives me vague updates afterwards, keeping the confidentiality. But yesterday he told me that, at one point, the story took a sad turn when all the dinosaurs left one dinosaur all alone. But it had continued on and not really stayed on the sad note. But it had been there and the knowing nod the counselor used while telling me the story in an upbeat tone made me understand it was significant.
Future ex called to discuss some banking business we had to do. We had a long discussion about the boys. It ended with him crying - heart breakingly so, had he not just spent the last 4-5 months figuratively crapping all over my heart and soul. But he is missing them horribly. And it's hard not to just say stuff like, well, gee...this was your decision - what were you expecting?! So today is a hard day for future ex - missing his boys. While the part of me that is still in love with him feels horrible over this, the other part of me that has endured the most horrifying amount of pain at the hands of his selfishness just stood back and watched him (in my mind, of course). I really couldn't muster any real sympathy. Every piece of pain that anyone is feeling has been the result of him following his own selfishness. So join the club, bud. Welcome to MY life. Eat the pain. EAT IT.
Sorry. It was just hard. And I'm sick of it. It's about time he stop just having a nice little vacation with his girl thing and feel the consequences of his decision.
Future ex called later in the evening to chat w/ the boys. He had forgotten last night and was rather upset that he could have done so. I personally was torn between a "well doesn't that just figure" attitude and feeling sorry for him that he totally hit a stereotypical crappy dad thing. Anyway, he called and started out talking to Lil Bro. The one side I could hear was adorable - all cute little three-year-old speech and endearments. Then he spoke to The Boy. And The Boy was all dinosaurs and guess what we were just doing (we had been playing in sprinklers in the front yard in 80 degree weather - sorry Trish & Kristen!) and I love you and I miss you. We were getting ready to head out the door to dinner so The Boy was sitting putting on his shoes while talking on the phone. At one point, he just stopped and said, "Dad? Are you kind of...crying?" I thought, oh man. Then I heard The Boy ask, "Well why?" I can only assume future ex said something like, well, because I just miss you. But the look on The Boy's face...ugh. He is a very sensitive kid and is very affected when someone is crying. Especially a parent. This pained look crossed his face. They exchanged some endearments and goodbyes and he handed the phone to me. Future ex was a mess. Well...there it is.
So future ex is having to deal with the very real reality he has imposed on everyone. I have spent days within months curled up on my walk-in closet floor crying into towels, shirts, pillows, anything I can find. I have spent days within months crying on the floor of my room, begging God to please take the heart break away - take away the pain of jealousy. I have spent days within months feeling like I wanted to die (which would never never end in me hurting myself). I have spent days within months on the phone with various people - some of you regular readers - crying, ranting, bemoaning, hurting, crying again. I have spent SO much time hurting due to the selfish actions of this man and his unthinking psychologist girl thing. So all I can do when he breaks down like this is just stand there. Stone cold. Holding back that small small part of me that wants to speak encouraging words to lessen his pain. I have to lock her up and gag her. It's painful. Because it's not ME - the stone cold observer. She's not me. But she is now.
Whatever. I was going to talk about my boys.
After that phone call with their dad, we were in the car on our way to my favorite local burger joint (Whataburger rocks). I was at a stop sign waiting to go and Lil Bro pipes up with, "Daddy is so far away." I said, yes he is but it's great that we can call him any time we want. And we can send him pictures. Lame. But he just said it again. So I said, "You miss daddy, don't you," and he said, "Yah..." I just said, "I'm sorry you miss him, buddy." He seemed ok after that but sad.
Today future ex told me he couldn't give up his new girl thing because he couldn't break her heart and walk away. It took everything in me not to just spit through the phone. I wasn't the perfect graceful person I could have been. I'm not sure I know anyone that would have held their tongue. So I didn't. I said, "But you can break your sons' hearts and mine...and walk away from all of us. Nice." I'm not proud for rubbing his nose in it. But his version of reality is not aligned with what I'm having to watch here. He needs to see what he is doing to the two hearts that should matter more than any to him.
But my beautiful boys...They are sitting behind me now, watching Tom & Jerry. They are resilient. They are favorites of God. And he has them in his hands. I pray God's protection over their minds, souls, hearts and bodies every night. God is good. He will bring them through this and will make them amazing men.
My boys rock.