I Am So SICK of Being Angry

I sat down to write a confessional of how I've let anger get the best of me. As I sit here beginning this, I hear The Boy upstairs yelling demands at his little brother. They are supposed to be cleaning up a toy mess they made together. As I listen to The Boy's demanding tone, it's an auditory mirror.

(sigh)

All the benevolent feelings of hope and goodness I had last week toward future ex are out the window. Well, not all. But it seems like every time he shows just one sign of becoming a responsible man, he undoes it all with a giant self-centered act. His current trip to Boston to "tie up some loose business" - with an open ended return date? Yah, that rather did it for me.

He'll be up there a week at least. And I can tell you that there is no business he has up there that would take more than 3 days, tops. I shouldn't even care. I mean, I've been doing this alone since he ran off in April. I'm a fully functioning single parent now. I can totally hack it. If I can just nail down a part time housekeeper, I will have it 100% rockin'. It's the principle that gets me. You return to "be a real father". He then takes this extended "wrapping up business" trip and stretches it out to beyond a week. Does he talk to me about how this might affect me? Does he discuss the dates and how they might affect anything the boys or I need? He just barely got a job - and even that's still not fully solidified until they do the background check get the pee test back. He has no apartment. No car. No income. Yet he can spend the money on this trip. And he can turn it into a nice little vacation. Which drives me nuts seeing as how he just had a nice 3 month vacation from any responsibilities of parenting. The man wouldn't know the pressure of juggling your own schedule and your children's if it jumped up and bit him in the arse. And he just doesn't get why I'm so angry. By all means, yes, please go take another vacation - the length of which he attributes to needing to say goodbye to people? Um...let's see...you were up there from April until a week or so ago. But you need another week to say goodbye to all your friends? Whatever.

I don't usually vent this specifically about future ex. I tend to keep the idiotic details out of here. But I'm just annoyed today. I have just spent a week giving my job about 80% because of doctor's appointments and counseling appointments. And today, I woke up, had a couple of relaxing hours with my boys and then have been kicking butt trying to clean a house that hasn't been properly cleaned since my mom left. I'm feeling that overwhelming feeling you get when things look way too big. And I'm thinking, gee, hope future ex is having a nice time hanging with his friends in Boston. Gee, hope he's having fun staying up late and sleeping in. Hope he's having fun spending money he doesn't have.

So I'm mad. And pissy. And not coping well. I'm feeling angry in a sorry-for-myself kind of way today. I just want to have a handle on my household, my job, my emotions. I want to be stable and normal and have a routine and budget that feels solid and under my control. I don't want to be wondering when and IF future ex will return. I'm so tired of telling my kids, sorry, we can't do anything fun today because I have to work/clean/etc. I'm so tired of feeling 3 inches from a full blown raging tantrum. I'm so tired of unfairly snapping at my boys. I'm so tired of not having time to exercise so that 10 of those wonderfully gone 25 pounds have returned.

And last night, I felt I could lean on God. Last night I wanted to lean on God. Today, I just want to be angry. I've sent up a few half-assed prayers. But I'm too mad to really mean anything.

GAH! Grrrrrrrr.

My kids deserve better than they're getting right now. So I have to go get a grip. And keep moving on as if future ex weren't here - just as if he never returned. Because that way, if he comes back and is actually any help to me, then bonus. And if not, well, status quo.

Sorry. I'm just so sick of being angry. But I thought I should show you guys the yicky side, too. Sometimes I only blog after gaining some clarity and I think I come off much more together than I am.

Any prayers you want to toss up for me and my gorgeous boys are always welcomed.

I know you guys will lift me up like you always do.

Love you guy...