Oh, For the Love of PETE!

You know, I don't even know what to think of THIS little development. I have been trying to focus on my kids and getting my feet solidly underneath my life. I've been working on getting used to doing this all alone. I've been trying to get my mind around the reality of long-distance custody (which still makes me nauseated when I think of it). I've been getting me ok with me. I've been enjoying the new weight loss thanks to the horrid divorce diet. I've been working SO hard to adjust to all of this crap and let go of the anger, etc.

Today, future ex called during the day. I was so busy at work I almost didn't pick it up. But I did. Future ex then dropped a bomb on me. And I'm still not sure how I feel about it. He is coming here next week for TheBoy's birthday party. I've been dreading that. I don't want to see him. Ever again, if possible. But that's not a reality. Then I've been thinking how fun it will be to have to pick up the emotional pieces (again) when daddy leaves and the boys have to adjust. So he told me...I still don't believe this...when he comes here next week, he's not leaving. He's going to make a go of living down here because he needs to be near his kids. He can't sacrifice being a father for the sake of the love of girl thing. Of course, this conversation was peppered with rather noncommittal verbiage. So I'm still in the I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it mode.

So here are my thoughts. And I'll be very honest with you here.

1. I have been praying for this. I never thought it possible. But I have been asking God that, if there is some way that future ex could get over his hatred of this area, to bring him back down here. His kids need him. I still want to punch him but his boys need their dad.
2. Selfishly, having him nearby will help me. If I have to travel for work, I don't want to leave the boys with paid nannies. I don't want to impose on my friends and family in the area all the time, either. Also, on those days that the boys are crying for him, I could call him and say, dude, they need you. Get your butt over here and pick them up.
3. I'm scared because I'm afraid he'll call tomorrow and say oh sorry, I can't do it. I told girl thing and she broke down and cried and you know how I can't take crying. So I'm staying up here. I will seriously have trouble with him if that happens. As will his sister. So I'll get in line behind her to whoop his ass if that happens.
4. I'm scared because I was getting used to this being "my" territory. My idiot-free zone. The place where I feel free to be whatever me I want to be. And that's been rather fun discovering who the unlimited me really is.
5. I don't really want to have to see him. Having him 1600 miles away gave a certain buffer zone against what constantly seeing him would do to my speedy recovery process.
6. I'm suspicious of his motives for this move but don't really want to care about them. It's best for my kids so I'm trying hard to just accept what God is doing. But I found out after our phone conversation that he and girl thing are "on a break" right now where they aren't supposed to see each other. How very interesting. I'd like to think this is totally for his kids. But I wonder how much of this is, hey, this isn't quite working out the way I had planned so I better start trying to salvage that whole dad thing before the kids totally forget who I am. That's the cynic and mean part of me talking.
7. I hope this happens. And I hope he can figure out just how awesome this area is and really find some happiness here.
8. I've asked God to help him find an apartment and job and to surround him with God's people. Not the scary ones. The real ones.
9. I'm terrified to tell my mom & dad and my sister. They (along with quite a few other friends and family) are not exactly huge fans of his right now. I don't want to tell them until I know whether he's playing for real here. But I mean, my parents are moving across the country to come help my little family. And now he's going to return? I have no idea how they'll react. But at the same time, I wish this was for sure because I'd like to tell my parents in case they're stressing over this move and his return would give them the freedom to stay put or do something else. I have no idea. Mostly, I'm just afraid of how much they'll resent him returning to our idiot-free-zone part of the country.
10. I just don't even know how to react to this. I've got my hopes up for my boys already. I haven't told them. But man, if he bails on this idea...he will have even fewer fans than he currently does.

So those of you that frequent my site...if you're praying people, send them up! I don't even know what to pray for. Just pray for emotional protection for my boys. And that if this is God's plan, that we all adjust ok. I don't know why I'm freaking out so much. I just told a friend on the phone that this feels like a step backward. I've been struggling to take each step forward. Working my butt off to move forward. And this just feels backward.

My mantra lately has been, "Your plan, God. Your plan because it's got to be WAY better than anything I can come up with." I have surrendered to whatever God has planned. I told him that I'm fine with whatever he has planned. I was assuming it was a plan where future ex and girl thing live happily ever after and I need to just deal with that. I also assumed that God will bring me that fabulous man when I'm ready. And that might be this year. It might be 10 years. Who knows. But I was all ready to accept this whole 1600 miles apart thing with its awful long distance shared custody. I was ready to make it on my own. I was going to find some tall building down in the city to twirl around in front of and toss my hat in the air - much to the amusement and annoyance of people trying to walk/drive past me.

Your plan, God. I can take it. Just help me deal.