A Promised Confessional

Why can't this all just be poofed away??? The week that future ex returned, we started out fighting. Then reached a place of calm friendliness. And that just got my hopes up for reconciliation. Not immediate. But thinking things like, well, maybe God is bringing him around slowly and some day we'll have another wedding but with the KIDS in it this time! All sorts of gooby flowery thoughts like that. I thought, well, l've been asking God to prepare me for that wonderful Christian man he's got in store for me. Maybe future ex will be that wonderful Christian man!!! If I can just hold on and wait long enough... But in the holding on and waiting, there is false hope. And also, there is a holding on to the old him and the old me. Once again, I've stopped looking to God for my happiness but back to future ex. And right now? He will ALWAYS fail me.

I just wish I didn't love him any more. Having him back here and in my face just reminded me - initially - of how much I want to beat him senseless. So I begged God to take the anger away and help me reach a place of forgiveness and friendship. And he did. He calmed me down. Future ex and I got along. Then I lost perspective. It felt so good to have him back and being nice to me. And he wasn't with HER. And he was helping me out with the boys. It was such a relief. It was so familiar. It made me so happy. And I translated that into feelings of love again. I was ready to do anything to help him - short of funding him. I offered help I could give - come use my computer, I'll buy you a few meals, come swim at the pool, etc. But it turned into feeling like we were a family again. And I thought, hmmm...maybe we WILL be a family again. And then a little bird sat on my finger and we whistled a duet while deer, bunnies and squirrels came in and did my laundry.

Then he took a trip back to Boston. Two things just punched me in the stomach and brought me back to square one. First thing: he's going back to finish up some business with HER. Rip the scab off. Run back to her. More sacrifice for her. A reminder that, oh yah, I was abandonded for another woman and he thinks it's ok. A reminder that she is the "love of his life" - his words. It just killed me with rejection and jealousy all over again. Second thing: his business with her should take 3 days, max. But he went back for 8 full days, plus 2 days of flying. So 10 days total he left. So he gets YET ANOTHER little vacation. He's going back early to satisfy his selfishness. He wants to hang with friends. Really? SO DO I! BUT I HAVE NO TIME!!! He just barely has a job down here - he has a conditional offer. So it's not in stone. He has no apartment. He has no car. So yes, by all means, go have a few days off in Boston. Whew! You need a break, you poor hard-working thing! [...not that I'm bitter...]

So this weekend, when I spent Saturday trying to clean my house, getting angry with my boys, listening to them complain because they've had no fun mom-time. It hit me. I am PISSED. I am so tired of carrying all this weight that this selfish man put on me. I didn't ask for any of this but I'm carrying it. Not perfectly. But I am. And he just runs off for a vacation - oh, and to take care of "business". Whatever.

Now, I'm having to deal with my anger. And most of it is really just anger at myself that I'm directing at him. I'm angry at myself for allowing those stupid feelings back in. I'm angry for letting him back into my mind and heart. I'm so mad at opening my heart to someone who just spent the last 7 months crushing the love out of me.

I've had people ask me why I would love someone who could do all of that to me. BUT I DO. It's 16 years of someone that I gave my LIFE to. How do you just shut that off, even when you're angry? It's like, everyone thinks that, well, since he cheated, that just automatically shuts off the love switch in me. But think about it - if your husband went and did hard drugs for 7 months and then stopped...you'd totally leave him? You'd just shut him off? Some would. Sure. And obviously, there are cases where that should be a deal-breaker. But most Christian wives I know would stand by a first time offender - maybe keep him distant for a while but they'd help him and work with him and intend on getting the good man back they loved. But cheating seems to be this item for most people that eliminates the "stand by your man" endurance. I can’t blame anyone for that. Cheating makes me see red. But why am I seen as crazy for still loving him? Just shows me that we humans put ratings on our actions. Bad has many levels. Stand by the drunk driver who loses his license but kick the cheater to the curb. I get it. It’s just that my love isn’t easily shut off. It’s taking some time. And effort. (sigh)

When we were getting along, I heard just enough talk of how he's starting to realize just how horrible he was to me. He can't believe he trashed someone so wonderful. He sees just what a great person I am and how I should never have been treated this way. Enough stuff like that - made me think maybe he still had love for me in there somewhere. I think he does. But it's not enough. It never was. Sure he loved me. But never the amount of love most people have for their spouse. I was never a high priority. Never. So that's what I want to hold on to??? The weak part of me cries out YES!!! Because I don't want to be abandoned. I don't want to feel rejected. I want to feel worth a sacrifice. But the smart part of me says, HELL NO. Why would I hang on to a love that wasn't complete in the first place. I already wasted 16 yrs on that partial love. Of being second place to his drums, his pot, his friends and himself. Why would I want to hang on to that? Just so I could avoid feeling rejected?

Aligning your heart and your head is tough. It's what I'm working on. With him in Boston, it's easier. I told him that, when he returns, he will have NO help from me from now on. Nothing. I will make the boys available to him. That's it. He can't come over and hang. He can't come by to watch the boys unless I'm leaving to go somewhere else. Not yet. And yah - I know - I should have started out that way. But having him near me and wanting to be with me - it felt good. And I'll admit it - it felt like I won in a way. He wanted to be with ME. And he was starting to see holes in his perfect "true love". It's all my own damned fault. He didn't play me. I let myself get played. And I'm kicking myself for it now.

I know you're all praying for me. Thank you for that. I know God is honoring a lot of prayers that people are sending up for me. I'm sure glad you're part of that.