Yesterday, my future ex-father-in-law had surgery to remove a mass from his abdomen. It was big. He's lost something close to 60 pounds in the last 6 or so months. He can't really eat well. Even with all of those signs, I still had a gut feeling that it wasn't cancer. My gut was wrong.
I know people fight this and win all the time these days. I did the whole cheerleader thing for the future ex as he cried on the phone to me. But it freaks me out. This man has been a huge part of my life since 1991. I alternately love him to death or want to scream at him. We push each others buttons. Sometimes it's funny. Other times it's stormy. But he's family. For a while.
That part of divorce sucks. As opposed to all those other lovely little aspects of divorce, you ask? Ha. But losing large chunks of family - I hate that.
So I sit here kind of in this limbo land. I'm legally still part of the family. Emotionally, that entire family still keeps the threads intact. For now. But in reality, I'm on the periphery now. Where as, were this 2 years ago, I would be figuring out how to get my little family up there or planning some sort of rescue of...I don't know who. I can't stand being disconnected.
Oh well. For now, I'm still connected. I call my mother-in-law. I even called my father-in-law. He sounded glad for it. We at least cleared the air between us. And I'll pray him through this whether I'm legally his daughter-in-law or not.
Today, I almost deleted an email from my aunt. She sends a gazillion forwarded jokes and dire warnings and things that are almost always debunked on Snopes. We all have that person, right? Well, I was about to delete it but I noticed there was no "FW:" or "RE:" in the subject line. So an original email from her is usually worth the read. Today was...I don't even know how to describe it.
My older cousin is probably all of about...oh...45? 46? We'll call him Troubled Cuz. Yesterday, he died in a house fire. The family doesn't have all the details yet. But the ones that are there bring more questions than answers. There's just no way this was an accidental death in a house fire. I mean, we're all in shock and in reactionary mode so who knows. But the police are investigating the weird twists and turns. I can't even share the details here. But it's the kind of stuff you couldn't WRITE if you wanted to. Jerry Springer would probably say it's over the top.
So we don't know if it's some bizarre accident, murder or an even more impossible suicide. Troubled Cuz has led a rough life. And I have to admit that news of his death would not exactly come as a surprise. But I guess it's the WAY in which he died. And the current mystery. And I just die for his parents and surviving sister.
So I was joking with myself (as I am wont to do). Two major emotional bombs. Where's the third? They always come in threes. Although, when I think that about celebrity deaths, there's always some last minute forth or fifth one that blows that whole theory. But for the few hours that there were only three? The theory is proven! So I laughed to myself thinking I'll only get two and the theory will be blown, yet again.
Ha. No such luck.
Again, I can't put details out here on the small chance that future ex has a lawyer who Google's his clients' foes. But future ex just called. And dropped a bomb on me that has resurrected all of my anger and a good deal of my pain. I'm so angry for my boys' sakes. And selfishly, I'm angry for me. Suffice to say, if future ex moves 2000 miles away any time soon...oh...say...MAY - again, I'm just saying "if" - then I lose the every other weekend break. Not that I like my kids to be away from me. But when you're doing 24/7 mom, alone, you start to look forward to at least ONE night or day alone. But mostly...IF something like that were to happen...I'm so angry that my boys won't have the security of proximity.
I'm not ready to agree with the myriad of souls that say it's better for them if he leaves. I think kids do best with both of their parents within spitting distance.
Blah blah blah. I'm IMing my wonderful friend from Boston who also had the misfortune of marrying a drummer that ain't so grand in the husbanding department. She is very good at giving me perspective. She reminded me that God's brought me through the gutting already. This is just removing a few stitches. In other words, suck it up girlfriend. God's got you!
Anyway. Those are the three things that just hit me yesterday and today. Messed up on all different levels. For one and two, all I can do is pray. For three? I'll rant a little more and then all I can do is pray and trust that this is part of God's answer to a good year's worth of prayer.
God's got my back. I'm sure he can overcome a little more of my rage.