Saturday, April 14, 2007

Updates on My Boyz and Clear Skin

Yes, I realize you're all dying to know the status of my skin. After a few days of pounding tons of water and slowly reintroducing SMALL amounts of sugary-lardy-cakey treats to my body, my skin has accepted its fate and has returned to its normal 41 yr old state. The only blemishes are actually the remnants of my shingles - those two cold sore type things on my lower lip. They're still faintly there. I think I'll take those in stead of the pimple-fest I just endured.

On to updates on my beautiful boys. I'll start with The Boy.

The Boy informs me that he still has the sensation in his hands and feet where he needs to touch things. I assume he is controlling it because I don't see him doing it much and have had no reports from the teacher. I always try to talk to him about it to make sure he's controlling it but without repressing anything. I always worry he's "controlling" these tics but the emotional toll is building up. I don't think so. The Boy is very demonstrative. He'll tell you what's going on in his head or he'll explode. Either way, we know what's going on.

Last night was Friday and that means he gets to stay up late. I think I took it a bit too late. You know how kids can get over tired and then it's hard for them to sleep. So last night, there were lots of tears at bed time over not having a bath. He had wanted a bubble bath and I had promised him one all day. But when we got home, we were in the middle of a huge lightening storm. I explained the dangers of bathing during a lightening storm (and this was a doozie!) but when you have your heart set on a bubble bath in your mom's huge garden tub, it's a bit of a let down. Add to that being over tired. Add to that the backward binocular small vision thing. Add to that allergies. He was an emotional mess - not to be consoled. So he ended up hanging out in my bed with me, watching the local news coverage of the severe thunderstorm we were having. We had the lights out and shades open so we got a really cool light show along with the news coverage. He finally got droopy enough to be carried to bed and fall asleep.

Other than that, he's doing well. School is easy for him and he informs me that homework is boring. Yah, just wait until physics and calculus, kiddo.

Lil Bro had an interesting day the other day. And by "interesting", I mean awful. And by "had", I mean was subject to by his psychotic parents. I'll tell you about it to A) hold myself somewhat accountable for being stupid and B) to show you that Lil Bro can put things in perspective even at the age of 3.

As I've mentioned before, Hubby and I are in the midst of a marriage...what...well, it was a full on crisis in January. It is now a roller coaster of emotion and anger that comes with two people full of pain and resentments that are trying to save a marriage for the sake of their kids. That's a gross understatement and generalization. But without boring you all to tears with the stupid details, let's just say it can be ok one day and an all out suck-fest the next.

So the other day, we were in suck-fest land. Hubby and I were attempting to communicate on some painful subjects - full of resentments on both sides. We are far from perfect people. And as such, we didn't follow any of the rules for communicating and arguing that our counselor has set for us. And I'll go so far as to say we didn't even TRY or think of the rules. We were in attack mode. It was great fun (NOT). I was trying hard to use the rules - to speak calmly and not attacking. I wasn't doing so hot with my tepid attempt. So each of us got worse and worse until I finally BLEW. And I mean BLEW. I recall shrieking things at the top of my lungs. I recall throwing my office chair across the room. I recall shoving Hubby out of my way on my way to run out of the house. And all of this was while Lil Bro was watching TV downstairs.

I love my house. It's a gorgeous house. But soundproof it ain't. So Lil Bro heard everything. And I don't think the language was the problem. It was the tone (ie - shriek) and then seeing his mom trying to run away. Oh if ever there is a low point of mothering, that was definitely one of my lowest.

Long story not so short: we got a grip. We calmed down and actually talked things out. While we were in this calm discussion, Lil Bro peeks around the doorway with this look like he's waiting for more office furniture to come careening around the corner. I called him in, pulled him onto my lap and he just smashed up against me. It was an amazing attempt at comfort and for him to feel safe. I felt like...worse than human excrement. I told him I was sorry for screaming. I asked if it had scared him and he nodded. Yah, worse than excrement. I told him that sometimes grown ups get angry and we don't react well. I shouldn't have screamed and I was so sorry for scaring him. It had nothing to do with him, etc. Honestly, I don't think my words did anything to undo anything.

Later that day, the family was together in the car. Hubby had gotten out of the car to run in somewhere. Lil Bro suddenly asked, "Mommy, is daddy your friend?" It took a couple times of asking for me to understand fully. But it almost made me cry. I said, yes, he's actually my BEST friend. I'm sure this made no sense to him after what he had seen that day. But it's true. I told Hubby about this later and he nearly cried.

That day, Hubby and I agreed that can never happen again. And not just on my part. He's had his male equivalent of those times. But we cannot risk damaging the beautiful little spirits entrusted to us by God. I did a lot of praying and apologizing to God for that day.

Gah. Those days suck. I hate them. I wish God would just POOF! us back to being ok. But obviously we are going to have to walk through this crap a bit longer before he fixes us. And I believe he will fix us to be better than we were before. He has to. We haven't been too good for a long while. But chose to just not deal with it - to deal would have been too hard. Oh if I could just go back a few years and change a few things! But I can't.

Thank you God for being here with my family and for protecting my boys from everything in this world - especially the shortcomings of their own parents.

(Sigh)

There you have it.

9 comments:

Wanda said...

Oh dear sweet Lynette!

Thank you for sharing what a "real life" looks like. As I read your story, I was reminded of past times in our family....

I was also reminded of the book Pilgrims Progress...and how many pits he encountered on his way to the Enchanted City. The good news: Usually after each pit, was a beautiful valley or cool spring. AndGod with us through both.

We are all pilgrims aren't we...?

Love and Hugs

Kristen said...

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I'm praying for you guys all the time. And for Liam and Cai.

With all my love...

ellesappelle said...

Wow... that does sound like a tough day. Poor wee Cai, having to deal with the fact that parents can't be perfect. You may have noticed I haven't commented straightaway because when I read your post at first I didn't feel like I had any experience/whatever to give me the right words to say... but I guess I can say, from my own very inexperienced and unintelligent viewpoint - these things happen and I'm pretty sure you haven't scarred him for life, so don't worry about it too much. Obviously you're going to feel pretty bad about it, no one can help that, but feeling really, really bad about things we've done happens to everyone, in different contexts... to me, more than it should. This incident may in fact lead to some good things?

Kendra said...

I'm proud of you both for taking the clue from Cai . . .I pray the Lord will bless you both with minds conscious of the little ears and hearts that are watching your every move. That's so hard. May the God of all peace descend on your home and bless you all . . .praying hard hard for BIG things for sure!! HE can do it!
love you
k

Angela Marie said...

Oh sweetie! Thankyou for your raw honesty! It reminded me of the past! In fact, my sister was here for the weekend and we discussed this very issue with my husband and I!

Your son is seeing that his mom and dad had a fight and can work it out! I know that it is tough, but he needs to see this life lesson too! It is life! He sees you praying and being open with him about all what had happened! He will remember this part too!


Hugs to you

Stacy said...

Aw, Lynette! If I could send brownies via blog comment, I would. You're a good mom, but you're also human. Sure, temper is something to be dealt with, but as long as you are trying (and it sounds like you are), don't beat yourself up over it. These things happen.

I'm sorry to hear your marriage is strained. I'll pray for you and your hubby.

Jane said...

Hi sweet Lynette,

What you have been experiencing in your marriage sounds very similar to what I endured for 12 years. I won't go in to the detail here except to say that, in my case, it is challenging enough to stay together in this day and age and then go add a child with some "special needs" and quirky behaviors in to the mix. Add in a "typically" developing child as well and you have yourself an interesting recipe of everyone in the household reacting to the stress. I'd love to share some more of this with you. You can e-mail me anytime at paintedhouse52@yahoo.com.

Thank you for your comforting and loving words on my latest post. I say my prayers daily for you as well that God will lead us through these challenging times. I'm so glad to have your support.

JenKneeBee said...

Oh dear! I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well in your marriage. Thanks for posting something so personal though, it really helped me to step back and look at the status of my own relationships. Cai sounds like such a sweetheart and although I'm sure it was tough for him to go through that, it was a learning lesson for him on resolving problems. I will keep you all in my prayers though. xoxo.

Trish Ryan said...

We're praying for you guys, up here in MA - and you are a FAR better mom than you give yourself credit for...don't let one bad day wipe out your memory of all the HUNDREDS of good ones.