Updates on My Boyz and Clear Skin

Yes, I realize you're all dying to know the status of my skin. After a few days of pounding tons of water and slowly reintroducing SMALL amounts of sugary-lardy-cakey treats to my body, my skin has accepted its fate and has returned to its normal 41 yr old state. The only blemishes are actually the remnants of my shingles - those two cold sore type things on my lower lip. They're still faintly there. I think I'll take those in stead of the pimple-fest I just endured.

On to updates on my beautiful boys. I'll start with The Boy.

The Boy informs me that he still has the sensation in his hands and feet where he needs to touch things. I assume he is controlling it because I don't see him doing it much and have had no reports from the teacher. I always try to talk to him about it to make sure he's controlling it but without repressing anything. I always worry he's "controlling" these tics but the emotional toll is building up. I don't think so. The Boy is very demonstrative. He'll tell you what's going on in his head or he'll explode. Either way, we know what's going on.

Last night was Friday and that means he gets to stay up late. I think I took it a bit too late. You know how kids can get over tired and then it's hard for them to sleep. So last night, there were lots of tears at bed time over not having a bath. He had wanted a bubble bath and I had promised him one all day. But when we got home, we were in the middle of a huge lightening storm. I explained the dangers of bathing during a lightening storm (and this was a doozie!) but when you have your heart set on a bubble bath in your mom's huge garden tub, it's a bit of a let down. Add to that being over tired. Add to that the backward binocular small vision thing. Add to that allergies. He was an emotional mess - not to be consoled. So he ended up hanging out in my bed with me, watching the local news coverage of the severe thunderstorm we were having. We had the lights out and shades open so we got a really cool light show along with the news coverage. He finally got droopy enough to be carried to bed and fall asleep.

Other than that, he's doing well. School is easy for him and he informs me that homework is boring. Yah, just wait until physics and calculus, kiddo.

Lil Bro had an interesting day the other day. And by "interesting", I mean awful. And by "had", I mean was subject to by his psychotic parents. I'll tell you about it to A) hold myself somewhat accountable for being stupid and B) to show you that Lil Bro can put things in perspective even at the age of 3.

As I've mentioned before, Hubby and I are in the midst of a marriage...what...well, it was a full on crisis in January. It is now a roller coaster of emotion and anger that comes with two people full of pain and resentments that are trying to save a marriage for the sake of their kids. That's a gross understatement and generalization. But without boring you all to tears with the stupid details, let's just say it can be ok one day and an all out suck-fest the next.

So the other day, we were in suck-fest land. Hubby and I were attempting to communicate on some painful subjects - full of resentments on both sides. We are far from perfect people. And as such, we didn't follow any of the rules for communicating and arguing that our counselor has set for us. And I'll go so far as to say we didn't even TRY or think of the rules. We were in attack mode. It was great fun (NOT). I was trying hard to use the rules - to speak calmly and not attacking. I wasn't doing so hot with my tepid attempt. So each of us got worse and worse until I finally BLEW. And I mean BLEW. I recall shrieking things at the top of my lungs. I recall throwing my office chair across the room. I recall shoving Hubby out of my way on my way to run out of the house. And all of this was while Lil Bro was watching TV downstairs.

I love my house. It's a gorgeous house. But soundproof it ain't. So Lil Bro heard everything. And I don't think the language was the problem. It was the tone (ie - shriek) and then seeing his mom trying to run away. Oh if ever there is a low point of mothering, that was definitely one of my lowest.

Long story not so short: we got a grip. We calmed down and actually talked things out. While we were in this calm discussion, Lil Bro peeks around the doorway with this look like he's waiting for more office furniture to come careening around the corner. I called him in, pulled him onto my lap and he just smashed up against me. It was an amazing attempt at comfort and for him to feel safe. I felt like...worse than human excrement. I told him I was sorry for screaming. I asked if it had scared him and he nodded. Yah, worse than excrement. I told him that sometimes grown ups get angry and we don't react well. I shouldn't have screamed and I was so sorry for scaring him. It had nothing to do with him, etc. Honestly, I don't think my words did anything to undo anything.

Later that day, the family was together in the car. Hubby had gotten out of the car to run in somewhere. Lil Bro suddenly asked, "Mommy, is daddy your friend?" It took a couple times of asking for me to understand fully. But it almost made me cry. I said, yes, he's actually my BEST friend. I'm sure this made no sense to him after what he had seen that day. But it's true. I told Hubby about this later and he nearly cried.

That day, Hubby and I agreed that can never happen again. And not just on my part. He's had his male equivalent of those times. But we cannot risk damaging the beautiful little spirits entrusted to us by God. I did a lot of praying and apologizing to God for that day.

Gah. Those days suck. I hate them. I wish God would just POOF! us back to being ok. But obviously we are going to have to walk through this crap a bit longer before he fixes us. And I believe he will fix us to be better than we were before. He has to. We haven't been too good for a long while. But chose to just not deal with it - to deal would have been too hard. Oh if I could just go back a few years and change a few things! But I can't.

Thank you God for being here with my family and for protecting my boys from everything in this world - especially the shortcomings of their own parents.

(Sigh)

There you have it.