Tuesday, April 24, 2007

It Ain't No Ladder

I have to be careful what I post about my marriage here. For one, my genius son might read it. And for two, lawyers will use anything against you. Isn't it a lovely world we live in?

So yesterday, my counselor (formerly my marriage counselor but now my solo-counselor) informed me that the stages of grief aren't like a ladder. People list them off like you're supposed to go, "Ok, I'm done with shock. On to denial. Ok, done with denial, on to anger." And that you have to hit them in order or you aren't grieving properly. She said it's more like a swing. You're gonna be all over the place - hitting one then the other, swinging back to one, swinging over to yet another. There is no set pattern. There are no rules. You're allowed to waffle. You're allowed to not know what the hell you're doing.

The only rule is - you HAVE to let yourself feel whatever one you're in at the moment. You have to find a way to afford your feeling it, owning it and letting it go.

Mom is letting me feel whatever I need to feel. She listens, she talks, she shares, she cries. She cares for my boys while I try to work. She vacuumed yesterday. She's giving my boys some semblance of normalcy. Oh the bliss of ignorance, eh?

So the stages of grief: they ain't no ladder. No rules. Just feel them. Thank you all for your kind words. I read every one of them. And I have asked God to bless every single one of you for your faithful love - especially those who have never even met me. You all rock.

Love you...

10 comments:

Angela Marie said...

I know these feelings and felt it well, especially when my dad passed away.

Think of it also like the waves in the ocean. They come in and they go out. It is good to feel and embrace those feelings, BUT let them go back out.... it is when we hold on, we get sick.. stagnant.. still... not growing the way God wants us to. Something I have learned. :) I hope that this helps a little.

Hugging you...

Scott said...

We don't know each other, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your boys as you go through this very rough time. The only advice I can give is be sure the boys know that none of what is going on is thier fault, even if it seems obvious to adults it's not always obvious to the kids. I know when my parents split it was a relief to finally realize that it wasn't my fault. Take care.

Trish Ryan said...

Bless you, and your Mom - no one tells you how helpful it is to have someone who will come and vaccum while your swinging through the stages. It's details like that that make it possible to keep on keeping on!

Kendra said...

Thanks for sharing . . .you are a blessing! Praise God for Moms who let you do / say whatever you need to whenever you need to. SO glad she is there with you right now!
loving you -
kendra

ellesappelle said...

That is just so true. I remember when my mum died, one of my cousins said to me that the most important thing was not to feel like there's a right way to grieve. Because it is like a swing. I didn't realise then how helpful I'd find what she said.

Jeani said...

I have been reading your blog for a few months and love your way with words. My heart goes out to you and your family. You sound like a remarkable woman and with love from family, friends and God, you will go on. I will be praying for you.

Wanda said...

"If you should temporarily lose your sense of well-being, don't be too quick to dispair. With humility and patience, wait for God who is able to give you back even more comfort. There is nothing novel about this to those who are familiar with God's ways. The great saints and ancient prophets frequently experienced the alternation of up and down, joy and sorrow"
---Thomas A. Kempis (c.1380-1471)
Just wanted you to know you are in good company dear, saints and phophets...
I love ancient statement that still hold true today
I'm loving and praying for you daily.

Beck said...

I'm praying for you and your family, and I'm glad that you have the support of loving people around you.

Stacy said...

I feel like I should have something wise to say but I don't, so I'll just say I'm praying for you.

Jane said...

Good morning, Lynette.

I'm thinking of you today and everyday. I've experienced these different feelings of grief as well. I almost lost my ex (when we were married) back in 2000. It certainly was no clear cut ladder. One minute I was numb, the next I was giddy, the next I was crying. It was the strangest range of roller coaster emotions that I ever had. I just had no control over any of it. I too had to just sit with every emotion and feel my way through them until they finally passed.