A Five Year Old's Take On Death

So Lil'Bro was upset the other night. I don't even recall how the subject came up. It could have started as innocently as speculating what all will be in heaven. However it came about, Lil'Bro became very withdrawn and upset about dying.

It was after bath time and the boys were freshly dried and pajama'd. They were lying in my bed enjoying time under my ginormous comforter. But Lil'Bro was anxious. Pokemon Boy and I asked what was wrong and he just kept saying, "I just don't want to die." At moments like these, I always mentally slap my head and think, "Why did we take this avenue of discussion?" I brought up all of the usual things that never seem to lift the fears:

• It won't happen for a long long time. You don't need to worry about it now. [Which is akin to "Think about something else," an equally useless statement.]
• It's only the end to this physical life and the beginning of our new life forever with God!
• We finally get to meet Jesus and ask him anything!
• We get to meet everyone who has gone before us (and start listing cool people from history and the bible).
• God has a plan for you and that includes a long life.
• [Insert feeble attempt to put a positive spin on death for a 5 yr old here]
  

I just couldn't reach back far enough into the dark recesses of my dusty childhood memory to recall the exact source of anxiety surrounding the concept of death.

I tried, "Is it because you'll miss all the people that you'll leave here?" A weak nod. Pokemon Boy cheerfully offered, "Well, mom will go before you so she'll already BE there!" True, albeit morbid. But that's the plan, anyway.

We went on like this for a few minutes and real tears were forming in Lil'Bro's eyes. It was killing me. I hate moments like this. Finally, between sniffs, Lil'Bro said, "I just don't want to leave Buddy [his favorite stuffed animal]." Oh. Now I get it. Man, it broke my heart. I was flooded with those feelings of absolute love and loyalty I had as a kid to certain stuffed animals, blankets and, later, pets. Oh yah. I get it. I couldn't imagine the fear he felt at the thought of having to leave Buddy behind.

"You know," I started, "God can do anything. And I bet he could even make sure Buddy was in heaven with you. I bet God will make sure heaven is so wonderful for you. And if he thinks you need Buddy there with you, God can get Buddy in heaven for you." He smiled. And hugged Buddy closer.

Now, I have no idea what heaven will be like. Much to the dismay of my boys. They pepper me with questions about it all the time. I'm not Paul. I'm not privy to what heaven will be like. I just know it will rock beyond anything I can come up with. So while God might not have Buddy up in heaven? It will be so awesome, we won't care. But I also know that what I said wasn't a lie. If God can poof the entire cosmos into being with a single word, I have no doubt he could have Buddy in heaven for Lil'Bro. Either way, I'm not worried about it. And I didn't want Lil'Bro to worry about it. Just know God will make it rock so much we won't know what to DO with it all.

Anyway, thought I'd just share this because it seriously was one of the sweetest and most heart-rending moments I've had lately.

What's This Blog About Again?

Oh that's right. I have a son with Tourette's.

You know, I have to smile when I realize I hardly ever post about Tourette's. This means that Pokemon Boy hasn't been manifesting TS much. At least, not in a physical way. And most of his issues related to his anxiety disorder are the kind of anxious foibles most 8 yr olds are dealing with. Maybe his are a smidge higher up on the drama scale because of personality, living with divorce, having a bad day. It's hard to say. And I am loathe to chalk every action or reaction up to "Oh, that must be the Tourette's."

But I thought I'd give you an update on how he's doing.

Pokemon Boy (aka: The Litigator, Mr. Attitude, The Certified Genius - all depending on the day and who you ask) has been having some physical tic-like things lately. God rocks. And I say this because his tics are nothing in the spectrum of what could be. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post. He has most of his repetitive actions happening in the face. The mouth, mostly. Right now he does this thing with his lower lip that I can't even do. Like, have you ever flipped your lower lip way down (I have to use my hand to do it) so that the inner part of the lip is showing? Does that make sense? Well, PB can do it by sticking the lower lip out and doing a smiling motion. And it just flips his lip down. Then he pops it back into place. It all happens in just a few seconds. But he usually does this quite a few times in succession. Maybe 3 or 4 times in a row, just a second or two apart. The other mouth thing has been less this week. Man, it's really hard to describe these things in words. And you know what? I can't. I'd have to post a video showing you and I don't feel like doing that in case he looks at this. But it's almost like he quickly bites the insides of both cheeks and then slowly pulls the cheek muscles back to normal. It's very quick and repeated a few times in a row.

Those are really the only things I notice. I actually think the lower lip thing resulted from some bad winter chapping of the skin right below his lower lip. I think it morphed into a repetitive motion for him. Last night he did it quite a few times in front of me and it was rather noticeable. So I just asked, "Hey, what's with the mouth? Anything going on?" He just said no and that was it. Sometimes he'll take that opportunity to tell me how it feels or if it bothers him. So this must not bother him. And that's great.

That's the physical. Like I said, not much. By itself, it's nothing you'd even really think about. So thank you, God!

Emotionally, I'm not really sure. He has a lot of anger lately. Some of his recent behavior reminds me of kids I've known that are more like 12. You know, that surly preteen stuff that signals, "Oh boy, here it comes." I told my mom, man, if this is any indication, the teen years are gonna be a LOT of work. But I refuse to pay into self-fullfilling prophecies. Nothing HAS to be. So my mom and I have started attacking this with prayer. I'm just asking God to show me what the anger is from. Show me what he needs. Show me how I can give him what he needs. I don't know if he just needs a guy around. He really thrives when men visit and spend time with him. I don't know if he just needs to be outside running himself ragged more. He and Lil'Bro are rather addicted to screens (TV, computer, friend's video games). But even when they're not doing screen time, they love indoor play. And as a single mom who is usually working, it's hard for me to take time out to get them outside. Our area is safe but not enough for me to send two little boys outside by themselves to play in the neighborhood. Or maybe it's the whole divorce thing. You just never know when and how that hits. So often he seems fine with it. And if that IS his issue? He's not saying so.

The good thing here is, last month, he asked to see his play therapist. Since I just got my severance check, 'tis time to make an appointment.

My never ending question remains: When do you chalk behavior up to a kid being a kid and when is it their bigger diagnosis at play? Thankfully, I don't really need to know. I just keep asking God to show me.

Oh, and here's a nice little example of Mr. Surley Pants: yesterday, I took some of my savings and bought an iPod Touch. It's not the phone. It plays music, videos, accesses the internet and has a ton of fun free games you an download. So I brought it home and downloaded lots of kids' games. When PB got home, I said, hey I have a surprise for you. And I showed him the iPod and told him I'd share it with him and Lil'Bro as long as it didn't get fought over and they asked permission, etc. He immediately set about learning it (faster than I did). He loved it. But suddenly he was calling it HIS iPod. Asking, "Where's my iPod?" There were comments made about how he wouldn't be sharing. It was really really odd. At first I thought he was just joking. But he was dead serious. At one point, after a particularly snotty exchange, I told him, "You know, I have 30 days to return this for a full refund. If we butt heads over this, it will go back and I won't even bat an EYE!" He was mellow for the rest of the night. But this morning, our school-ride buddy showed up and he said, "My mom gave me an iPod." I was all, "Excuse me?" So at this point, I really am thinking I don't need such a decadent toy and I might just return it. And this is definitely making me rethink the possibility of getting him a Nintendo DS hand-held gaming system for the end of the school year (if he gets all A's the whole year, which he's on track to do).

This is an interesting ride.

Jane Austen: Is She Ruining My Dating Chances?

For years, girlfriends of mine swooned and pined over Jane Austen stories.  Or more, her characters.  I never understood the allure of stories like 'Pride & Prejudice'.  I was too busy being a tom boy.  Too busy trying to be hip in the music scene.  Too busy trying never to be a dainty frail female that can't open her own doors or her own pickle jars.  I couldn't stand that image and worked very hard to be the exact opposite.

So while my friends read 'Wuthering Heights' and the like, I stuck with my science fiction and fantasy.  No dainties there, thank you very much.

[A note: my tact above is very useful if you'd like to be best friends with every guy you know yet never have them give you a second look as a dating option.  Knock yourselves out, girls.]

So many of my Awesome Blogger Chicks are fans of Jane Austen.  I silently rolled my eyes as they all discussed and compared and related.  A Boston friend insisted I just had to watch 'Pride & Prejudice' with her.  Ummm...no thanks.  I had seen some of the recent Hollywood work-ups of Ms. Austen's stories.  Which is probably the first problem right there.  If it's cast with a bunch of mincing Americans doing HORRID British accents, I'm going to have trouble with it.  If it's also edited to fit the general western attention span (or maybe it's our bladder size), you will miss some very important detail that explains why everyone seemed to be in an uproar when so and so had done such and such.

Enter NetFlix.

In trying to fill my queue with an alternating list of movies that my young boys and I might enjoy (one week a kid's movie, the next week a mom movie), I decided maybe it was time to check out Mr. Colin Firth and all of his swoon-inducing work.

I had been sternly informed that any version of 'Pride & Prejudice' that didn't have Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy was pure poo.  I've only seen two versions.  First, I tried the 2005 Hollywood one with Keira Knightly and Matthew Macfadyen.  Then, I obeyed my friends and got the 1995 BBC TV miniseries with Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth.

Now, the 2005 version is visually stunning.  Knightly's Elizabeth is just a bit too...snotty.  Yes, I get the that the title rather implies this might be her issue in life.  But for the time period, she is way too bold.  And while I love her in certain roles, I had trouble buying her as her character.  I kept going, "Oh, there's Keira Knightly in a bad dye job."  But then Macfadyen's Mr. Darcy, I have to say I loved him.  I can see how some might say that he was just way too sad-puppy-ish in his facial expressions.  But this worked for me.  I see Darcy as much more saddened by his shortfalls rather than all pissed off.  At times, however, this sadness played a bit wimpy for me.  There needs to be a balance between the sadness and smoldering anger.  Initially, I also found this actor "not good looking enough."  Because I am an American and am totally hung up on beauty.  However, I loved that he totally made me believe the character.  So I'd watch and think, "Oh poor Mr. Darcy is in love with Keira Knightly in a bad dye job!"

My other issue with the 2005 version is the editing they did to keep theater-goers happy.  It's like trying to squeeze 'Lawrence of Arabia' or 'Ghandi' into a 2 hr movie.  You're going to miss some very vital character or situation development.  I remember watching this 2005 version first thinking, "Why is everyone in such an uproar over Lydia Bennet's doings?"  I also didn't really get the whole back story that made Wickham such a scoundrel.  It wasn't very clear.

In the 1995 mini series, Ehle's Elizabeth is appropriately beautiful, but not too.  She is also appropriately indignant at life's injustices relating to social and sexual differences.  But she's not rude.  She's amusingly and intelligently impertinent, which is what I would expect Ms. Austen to be going for.  I did have a problem with the actress playing the "beautiful" Jane.  She was pretty.  But really not all that much.  In the costume and hair of the period, she was a bit...well, it just fell short of inspiring the launch of all of Troy's ships, you know?  But I got over it because her acting was spot on.  Colin Firth as Darcy was visually perfect.  I felt his anger could have been mixed with a bit more sadness.  He just always seemed all pissed off.  How is that endearing?  Anyway, Mr. Firth can act however he wants and I will still adore him.  When he shows love or empathy on screen, I buy it.  Hook, line and sinker.  No matter what movie.  I prefer the 2005 Bingley to the 1995 one.  But again, it still worked for me.

The 1995 version also gives you the whole back story of everyone.  It shows all of the inappropriate missteps of poor Elizabeth's mother and younger sisters.  It gave all the details of why Wickham sucks eggs.  I got all the innuendo.  All in all, I loved it.  And then I called my Boston friend to apologize for ever having turned my nose up at it!

Last night, I watched 'Sense & Sensibility'.  It's the 2008 BBC miniseries.  I loved it.  I think I'd still like to see a version of this with someone else as Col. Brandon (perhaps Mr. Firth?).

Anyway, this has turned into A Former Tomboy Reviews 'Pride & Prejudice' posting.  Which wasn't my intent.

I have to tell you that, any version of Pride & Prejudice that I see, I am left with an empty pining feeling.  Pining for the elusive and imaginary Mr. Darcy.  I don't believe he exists.  And if he does, it's only for a year or two.  I so desperately want to believe in true love but, having only experience fake versions, I doubt it's existence.  I can lose myself in the movie and smile and get all teary eyed.  But then I think how sorry I feel for any man that crosses my path now.  How will he ever live up to Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy?  I don't for a minute believe that a man of 2009 will climb any mountain, swim any ocean, crawl across any dessert.  I don't see many men of today steal a glance at their girlfriend/wife with that "How did I get so lucky?" sappy look.  I don't see many men treating marriage as anything more than Extreme Dating.

So Jane Austen has ruined my chances at dating.  Mr. Darcy and Edward Ferrars don't exist.  So God's miracle will be either A) create a Mr. Darcy for me or B) shake me into reality and help me live there.

We'll see.

Reason #42 Why BK Beats McDs

I know way too much about fast food in my area.  When you have a major life tragedy and you have kids, one thing you might do (I mean, I've read that people do this) is do take out.  All the time.  For a long time.

It's disgusting.  But it's a coping mechanism I utilized for the better part of 2007 and a good part of 2008.  Until finances started running dry and I did the math on how much I spent even on cheap fast food.  And nearly threw up.

Blah blah blah fast food is evil and I'm just lucky my kids weren't already fat little porkers and could handle lots of it.  Lately, I have been making food at home.  Fast food or eating out at all is back to being a luxury or treat (thank you mom, dad, BigSis and her TallHubby).

So last Tuesday, I was having a day with Lil'Bro at home (he's home from preschool this month so we can have living money until the severance check comes).  For lunch, I thought, let's splurge and head to our local Burger King.  It's right around the corner.  Dangerous proximity.  But they have a great little game room and it would give him some fun time out of the house.  I knew it wasn't the best use of my tight expenses but went anyway.

As I ordered my big splurge of a meal, it rang up to $7 and change.  No biggie.  I was about to swipe my card when the manager walked over saying, "Hold on," to the cashier.  He pushed some buttons and told her, "She comes here all the time.  I want to take care of her."  Lil'Bro and I had a nice lunch to the tune of $3.00.  This guy didn't know I had been laid off.  He may have surmised my single motherhood over the months.  But still.  I thought that was pretty cool.  As I sat there eating my spicy chicken wrap, I kept asking God to bless that guy.  Just give him some kind of huge blessing that he'd know was totally from God.

I just love things like that.  Just random acts of kindness.  Reminds me that there are lots of people out there who know how to show God's love.  Even in little things like cutting a junk food meal's price in half for a laid off single mom.

So not only is their meat better quality, but their workers consistently take care of me and my kids.  From bringing a dancing Lil'Bro a crown because he was the king of dancing, to letting my kids trade their Kids Meal toy because "I already have this one," to letting my boys substitute Chicken Fries as a Big Kids Meal.  BK beats McDs.

Financial Peace University

My church is offering a 13 week class called Financial Peace University.  When I first heard the name, I admit, I thought it a bit schmarmy.  When I first heard the accompanying acronym FPU, I giggled because, inside, I'm 4.  Anything with PU in it will forever be funny to me.

Given the timing of the class, the fact that it's being facilitated by one of our church members, and that the premise makes complete sense, I signed up.  The fact that I didn't have the money for the materials (workbook, book, forms, lots of DVDs and other stuff) didn't matter.  It's important enough to my church that they fronted me until I have the cash.  They provide child care, too.  So all obstacles removed, I went tonight for the first class.

I am SO jazzed right now.  If I could, I would pay to have the kit sent to everyone I know.  And I would beg them to do the course online or at home or at any local offering.  The courses teach you everything from how to pay off your debt, how to build up an emergency savings fund (and defines that "emergency" does not mean things like pizza cravings or a new boat), how to talk to creditors, how to invest, shopping for mortgages, insurance, etc.  It covers the gambit of finances.  It teaches you a new discipline - a life change - away from that "buy now, pay later" mentality most of us are in.

It sounded a little weird.  You go and watch videos of Dave Ramsey speak.  Ok...and I can't do this from home...why?  Well, you can.  And some friends of mine are actually going to do it that way.  But I'm going to a group class.  We all talk and share experiences, thoughts, questions.  It's all confidential.  I actually joked that ok, I guess I won't blog about anyone's guilty secrets.  But maybe I will share some of mine some day.  I'm sure my story is not as bad as some.  And I'm sure it would make some squirm.  Either way, in my book?  It ain't good.

The goal is to teach us how to take control of our finances.  How to stop throwing our money away.  How to have a plan for down the road.  I used to feel that kind of stuff was against the Christian ideals I had.  It seemed greedy.  It seemed gluttonous.  It seemed lacking in faith.  Well, I've been reading the old testament these last few months.  And I was surprised (even before this class) to read how many times the old testament basically comes out and says, hey, don't owe anyone and don't lend to anyone.  Don't put yourself at the mercy of a lender.  Store up your resources for those bad times like famines and lean times.

Well, let's see...personally, I have been a slave to the credit card companies since I was in my 20s.  Almost every time I get a positive savings balance, I piss it away on some ridiculous excuse for an "emergency".  If my car dies tomorrow, I actually have no way to pay for the fix because my credit cards are all maxed and have been shut off.  If I have a huge illness, same deal.  I'm a single mother of two, people!  This is not the way to live.  And all of the leeway you can cut me because of the divorce?  That doesn't count for all the stupid debt I've accrued.  The divorce itself - the lawyer fees?  That accounts for maybe about...let me think...maybe 1/3 of my current debt.  Maybe.  The rest is my own stupidity.

Now, let me tell you this: even though it's bible based?  I don't think it would really offend anyone's sensibilities.  My ex isn't a huge fan of "Christianity" as a whole.  Looking around, I don't really blame him.  But I sat in the class tonight thinking, I bet the ex would actually LIKE this class.  Dave Ramsey is spot on.  There wasn't anything he said that was off.  The bible scriptures are in the work book for reference.  They're not screamed at you.  He's not preaching hellfire and brimstone.  He's just pointing out truths that everyone there could own.  We all sat there nodding our heads and going, "Oh man, that's me!"  And this guy is FUNNY.  He has lived the hell himself.  He talks about it some.  He's not some greedy rich guy trying to make money off of you.  He has walked it and he lives it and he lays out a plan that anyone can follow.  It will look different for everyone.  It will take me longer than my friend who sat next to me.  But it will work.

So I'm taking it by the horns.  I will take this course and put it into action.  And when all is said and done?  I will have 3 to 6 months of living expenses in a true emergency savings account.  I will have all my debt paid off except my mortgage.  And that I will be working to pay off early.  I will buy things in cash.  I will no longer be slave to Visa and Master Card.  I will live like our grandparents most likely did.  And their parents.  I will SAVE up and THEN buy something.  I have about 25 years of habit to unlearn there, folks.

This won't happen over night.  It probably won't be completed this year.  I don't care.  I'm on a mission to undo this mess.  And God is already showing me how he's on my side on this one.  If this interests you in the SLIGHTEST, check out the link I gave above.  I'm not getting any kickback.  I'm not advertising.  I'm just thinking that now is a good time to take some hard steps.

I'm just sayin'...

God Rockin' Some Extra Cash

I wish I had the time to blog every single day.  Because this post is really much more significant if you could see the financial balancing act I've been doing (poorly).  It's my own fault, really.  I'm one of those "poor American victims" that is tight financially.  And when I use those quotation marks, I'm being sarcastic.  I'm one of the majority of Americans (or westerners in general) that has lived in the Buy Now/Pay Later mode.  It's stupidity in action, yet the majority of us live this way.  We buy ourselves into a large debt corner and then our politicians stroke this to get elected by calling us "victims of Wall Street" or some other large financial entity.

Whatever.  That's a whole other rant I could fill an entire blog site with.

Suffice it to say - when the ex left, I hardly had any debt.  Once he left, I used any excuse to rationalize pulling out the credit cards again.  Lots of guilt purchases to make the boys feel better when they're sad.  Lots of purchases to get things ahead of time - before I needed them - you know...to be "prepared".  Lots of purchases just to sooth my addiction.  I have discovered that buying things - and not even huge things - makes me feel good.  Like, just walking through a store and picking up stuff...I don't know how to describe it.  It's a comfort thing.  And then there is the trap of everyone who has been emotionally hurt.  What's your go-to thing?  Food?  Mine can be.  But not as much as "you deserve something nice after having your heart dragged through 952 miles of poo."  And then of course I made the actual necessary or obligatory payments (like lawyer fees, food, clothes, GAS).  Those are the ones that would have been ok, had I made ONLY those.

So over the last almost two years, I have wracked up my credit to stupid levels.  I went back to living paycheck to paycheck.  I drained my savings.  Then I started doing the old, let's see...which card do I not pay THIS month?  Oh it's just so HORRID if you realize that in 2002, the ex and I already bailed ourselves out of the same situation and swore NEVER AGAIN.

Lately, I have been working very hard to not ask for a bailout from anyone (ie - my parents).  In mid 2008, when I started feeling that a layoff was closer to reality than not, my main prayer was, "God, if I have to be laid off, PLEASE let there be a severance package."  In Oct 2008, I got the layoff news.  With a severance package.  And it's a good package for someone with 22 yrs under her belt.  So that was a huge relief and man, I have been thanking God for that one, big time!  Unfortunately, the severance package doesn't come immediately.  And as you keep pushing debt back into the dark recesses of your mental store room, it grows.  Exponentially.  I feel like I am living to just squeak my way to that severance check.  Which blows in and of itself.

A while ago, I stopped just going, "Help!" when praying.  I decided to own up.  I said, Ok God, I totally screwed up.  I admit it.  I got myself into this mess and I'm sorry.  Now I need your help to get out of it.  As you've seen in this blog, he has provided free fridge repair.  He has made my checking account miraculously stretch when I had plane ticket snafus.  He just keeps coming through.  So when it got worse recently and I started having to ignore all phone calls from numbers I didn't recognize?  That was when I owned up.  And I just said, "God help me do this.  Help me fix this."  I didn't even know what that would look like.  I just knew he'd come through.

Last Friday was my last paycheck from Big Ol' Financial Company.  Yesterday, I grudgingly sat down to decide which bills to pay and which to ignore.  It's a nauseating feeling when you sit down to face your own financial stupidity.  So with a sigh, I sat down at the computer.  First thing I did was check my checking account.  Get that balanced to see how much I actually had to work with.  I opened it up and the balance was WAY bigger than it should have been.  Wha...?  My first thought was, oh great.  That's all I need is to deal with my now former-company because they overpaid me.  So I pulled up the pay stub and saw that this paycheck contained my compensation for all of the vacation days from 2008 that I hadn't taken!  I thought that would have been in the severance payment!  Can you believe that?  And let me tell you, this is not just a couple extra dollars.  Not even a couple hundred.  This was more than $1000 more than I was expecting!!!!  Seriously, I had to call my mom and my sister to freak out about how God provided this unexpected extra cash right NOW - at THIS particularly bleak moment.  Does that not ROCK people???

Chalk it up to coincidence.  Dismiss it if you want.  But the timing of it...just when I finally 'fess up and really give it up to God without any expectations.  THAT is God, my friends.

So yesterday, I sat down and paid all of my utilities, my car payment, and I paid all of my credit cards up to date.  I didn't pay anything off.  But that's ok.  I paid them all current.  And on a couple of them, that is like 3 months worth.  I have been thanking God ever since!

I know this country (and dare I say world) is going to be roughing it this next year.  And a lot of people are jumping on the fear band wagon.  Sadly, many of them are Christians - the ones that talk all the talk about living in daily faith, trusting in God.  Well, I'll tell you what these last two years of struggle have done for me: they have shown me what it looks like to wake up and live each day believing God will get you through it.  That part in the Lord's prayer where it says, "Give us this day, our daily bread..." - it's saying "Give me what I need to make it through today."  It's not saying, give me a lottery winning.  It's not saying set me up for life.  It's saying I trust you to provide what I need today.  And I'll trust you'll do it again tomorrow.

That's how I'm gonna live.  Because if I buy into the fear, I'll be back on the anxiety meds in no time.  I like the calm of knowing God totally ROCKS.

Momentary Loss At The Grocery Store

Oh man.  I am not winning any mother of the year awards.

Today, we did our normal Saturday grocery shopping.  We go the same route through the store every single time.  We hit produce first and then the bakery.  Pokemon Boy wanted to hit the bakery first - to get his bagel.  I told him we'd get there soon enough and to just hold on.

As I turned around from putting my fruit trays into the cart, I couldn't see Pokemon Boy.  But I figured he was just around the bend near the bananas - our next stop.  I turn the corner and no Pokemon Boy.  So I said to Lil'Bro (sitting in the cart with me), "Man, he is in some SERIOUS trouble."  I assumed Pokemon Boy had gone on ahead to the bakery section.  I could see it but not clearly enough to tell if he was over there.  So for that one sinking moment, I thought, ok, I can't see my kid.  This sucks!  I called out his name pretty loud.  Loud enough that a few people looked my way.  No answer.

I poked my head back around where I just was.  No Pokemon Boy.  I look back around near the bananas and start heading to the bakery.  I call out again.  Nothing.  But then I see a big store employee walking with his hand on Pokemon Boy's shoulder - they were heading to the front of the store.  So I yelled his name even louder.  He turned and saw me and looked SO relieved!

He let me hug him and started sobbing "I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!" over and over.  I guess he had just kept walking our circuit without stopping.  When he turned around, he didn't see me and I guess started to panic.  BUT, he had the sense to stay calm enough to find a mom and ask for help (I've always told him to ask a woman - especially a mom - for help because they will usually stick with the story until the end).  She had brought him to the closest store employee who was walking him to the front where we all met.  PHEW!

The woman walked up as we were hugging and he was crying and kind of filled me in.  I mean, this happened in less than 3 minutes.  He was with me by the fruit trays.  And I turned away long enough to grab the 3 trays I need for church.  I turned back and he was gone.  Guh!  I do have to say I hadn't reached panic mode yet.  I was still operating on the assumption he had gone ahead to get his bagel.  When I told him that, he looked at me so earnestly and said, "I would never do that, mom!"  I felt like such an idiot.

I'm sure Lil'Bro was sitting there wondering what punishment I'd dole out.  Pokemon Boy asked if he was in trouble.  So we had a nice little talk about why I always ask him to stay right there with me.  I also reassured him, "I will never leave this store without one of you.  Do you understand that?  If you get lost, I will not leave without you."  I also told him that this scare was punishment enough for him.  So nothing was off limits.  I can tell you, that kid stuck to me and the cart like GLUE for the rest of our shopping stint.

You know, I think (very briefly) about how this story could have turned out.  And man, I am so glad God protects me and my boys.  It's the kind of story that, in hind sight, it makes my stomach turn.

Thank you God.  Thank you for letting me be mom to these beautiful boys.  Thank you for keeping them safe in this big huge world.

*sigh*

Terrifying New Moms: It's A Gift

Lil'Bro is awesome.  Thanks for all of the comments and emails about him.  I love little dramas that don't hurt anyone in the end.

I thought I'd share a funny story about my boys:

One of my Awesome Blogger Chicks is Gypsy Girl - Darlene.  I met her when Trish posted a link that sent us to her blog to give support.  At this point in my blogging, I wasn't brave enough to comment on anyone's blog.  But reading how Darlene almost lost her son in a horrific car accident, I just had to leave a prayer in her comments.  Which is not something I normally did at that point.  I had no idea if Darlene might think I was a nut job.  But it started a wonderful relationship that later introduced me to her friends Wanda Mom and Angela.  All of these women have been staples of my emotional & spiritual support.  And I've never met them!  Isn't that funny?

Ok, as usual, I have totally gone tangential and threaten to go WAY too long.

Anyway, that was a bit of back story.

Recently, I have been spending lots of car rides with my boys answering all sorts of questions.

PokemonBoy: "Ok, who would win in a fight: Mr. Freeze or Big Chill?"

Lil'Bro: "Does Mr. Freeze have his freeze ray?"

PB: "Um...no."

LB: "Big Chill."

They have both been asking a lot of questions about what would happen if they got hurt.  What if I lose a leg?  What if my head comes off?  What if what if what if?  So they were peppering me with this particular line of questioning recently.  I don't recall the exact question but they were asking about what if this body part was cut off or that body part.  And Lil'Bro asked what would happen if he was cut in half.  Pokemon Boy asked if that could ever happen.  Like a moron, I didn't just fluff it off with some lame "Oh I doubt that could ever happen.  Oh look!  A shiny car!"

I told them about Darlene's son Mark.  I recall her descriptions of his accident.  He had nearly had his torso torn in two.  They wanted to know every detail.  Which I had trouble recalling because - thank you God - it has been a long time and he has been fully recovered for so long!  I was able to at least end on that note with them.  How he was fully recovered and happy and working toward working in the medical field to help other hurt people (am I remembering that right, Darlene?).

Well, we had a very long conversation that day.  They asked everything from how long had he been in the hospital to did he believe in Jesus.  (A long time and yes - they were relieved at the latter answer.)

We decided to stop for ice cream.  While waiting in line to order our ice cream, a new mommy with her gorgeous little three-month old in a front carrier waited near by.  Both of my boys are totally in love with babies.  Pokemon Boy went over to start the usual questions of what was her name, how old was she, etc.  Lil'Bro joined in with his 5-year old version of similar questions like why she wasn't talking yet.  We had a cute little conversation and then sat down to our ice cream.  At which point, Lil'Bro asks at a pretty good volume, "What if SHE was cut in half?" pointing to the baby.  "She would probably die," he pronounced.  I was like, "DOH!"  Can you imagine this new mommy who had just had two cute boys adoring her new baby girl?!  I mean, like you're not paranoid and terrified enough as a new mom!  I quickly assured Lil'Bro that nothing like that would happen and then had to explain to the mommy that we had just been discussing a friend who had been in a horrible accident, etc.  Thankfully, new mommy was extremely gracious.  But I still wonder how terrifying her dreams were that night.

Good grief.  I will never get Mom of The Year.  That is for SURE!

Addendum:

No sooner had I posted this when I heard Lil'Bro upstairs getting out of bed, running into my empty bedroom and then the horrifying sound of SPLATTER SPLATTER...(10 second pause)...SPLATTER SPLATTER SPLATTER!!!!  I was halfway up the stairs calling, "Where are you?!" at the 2nd round of splattering.

[Insert 10 minute break here for yet another, but smaller round.]

But back to the 1st round: I found Lil'Bro standing in my bedroom doorway, unceremoniously emptying the contents of his stomach onto the carpet in my bedroom doorway.  Poor kid.  Void of color and completely silent.  He's a stoic puker.  No crying.  No complaining.  All business.

I got him changed, cleaned and into my bed.  The rug took longer.  My kingdom for a wet-vac!  And much thanks to my friend Paul who, via Facebook, reminded me of the virtues of baking soda.

So I came down here to share my little "Ha ha, my kid puked just as I posted this," story.  And back up at the inserted break, I heard him get out of my bed.  I ran up to find him sitting at the bucket I left him, getting the last bits of round two out.  No tears.  "I fink I'm done now," he informed me.

And now I have that nagging pit in my stomach that makes me wonder if I'm next or if I'm just having that weird sympathy nausea you get when your kid kecks.

Note to self: when you get your severance check, buy a wet-vac.

Lil'Bro Visits The ER

Today, Lil'Bro had his first visit to the ER.  It was extremely mellow for an ER visit so I'll take it!  Nothing is broken - no blood - everyone is whole and alive.  It was actually very undramatic.  Very not me.  But very Lil'Bro.

Here is a game NOT to play with your kids: any kind of tug-o-war where your kid is the rope.  Ok, all you perfect parents get the laughter and judgement out of the way now.  Pokemon Boy and I had been playing a game where lazy mom (that would be me) was laying on the couch under a nice warm blanket.  Pokemon Boy would pull on my hand as hard as he could and I would eventually let his hand go and he'd go flying onto the other couch.  Great fun!  Well, Lil'Bro wanted a go.  So I did it with him a couple of times to great laughter.  Then, Pokemon Boy pulled on the other side of Lil'Bro.  When I let go of Lil'Bro, BOTH boys went flying onto the other couch.  Even better!  The 3rd time we tried it, however, I felt a pop in Lil'Bro's right arm and he was in pain.  Stupidly, I assumed it was just a pop that meant "ow" but nothing more.  So I wiggled his arm around to show him it was fine (it wasn't) and lifted it to my face to cover it in kisses (which hurt him).

When I saw that his pain was not stopping, I decided to use the health insurance I still have for the month and take him to the ER.  One of the reasons I picked this house is because we're spitting distance from a great hospital.  And two spits away from yet another.  It's the kind of perk you hope you won't be using a lot.

I called mom, asked her if she would come hang with Pokemon Boy, and got the very pained Lil'Bro ready to go.  The poor kid.  I had to lift him into the car because he couldn't use his arm to get in.  I had to buckle him, etc.  We drove the short spit to the ER and were seen immediately (we just got in after a very busy period so they were empty!).

As it turns out, there are a myriad of other stupid parents like me out there who regularly pop their kids' arms out of socket.  Most kids are younger and get dislocated arms from the innocent swinging between two parents while walking or being swung around in circles by the hands.  Good stuff which we all do.  Apparently, even the tug-o-war fashion in which Lil'Bro got his dislocation is more common than one would think.  They even have a name for this kind of dislocation: Nursemaid's Elbow.  Which begs the question: Were nursemaids always swinging kids in fun or where they always dragging them around by the arm in frustration?  The nurse and I didn't find an answer to that one.  But it was fun musing on the subject.

Lil'Bro is insanely brave.  Let me tell you, if I ever have to have my arm popped back into place?  Knock me out.  Just dope me up.  That was AWFUL!!!  He cried and kept saying, "Please stop now!" over and over.  I probably would have screamed and kicked someone.  But he just cried and held onto Buddy (his stuffed dog) with the other hand.  After the doc got it popped back in, he asked Lil'Bro, "Are you mad at me?"  He shook his head no as he wiped tears.  "Not even a little bit mad?  It's ok if you're mad.  I would be a little mad."  Still no.  What a good kid!

They wanted to keep him for about 20 minutes to see if he could get it moving.  If not, they'd x-ray him.  After about 10 minutes, the nurse came in with 5 different colored lollipops and made him pick with his hurt arm.  He tentatively reached for a green lollipop and just kept getting better from there.  She unwrapped it for him and then gave him a walking tour of the ER.  We showed him the room Grandpa (my dad) had been in last year around this time.  He was very impressed with the size of the room and had to walk the whole perimeter to check it out.  After his little tour, his arm was fully functional and he was swinging it around and shaking hands.  So they let us go before the 20 minutes were done.  YAY!

Lil'Bro and Buddy in his ER room:

Lil'Bro picking a lolli from the nurse:

Lil'Bro and his green lolli:


As I signed the papers that basically said, "Your kid is not a tug-o-war rope, you dolt, and you have to pay a $50 copay just so you remember that" I heard Lil'Bro ask the nurse, "Can I get a lollipop to bring to my brother?"  Dude, seriously!  The nurse was impressed.  I was impressed.  Pokemon Boy was impressed when we walked in with a red lollipop for him.  Lil'Bro rocks on so many levels it's just ridiculous.

Strange Places In Which I Find Myself

So here is 2009.  Technically, I still work for the Big Ol' Financial Corporation.  They will pay me with full benefits until the end of this month.  But my last work day was 12/31 and I'm pretty sure, were I to try to log into their network, I'd be blocked.

I find myself in a place not travelled since I was 20.  I'm not 20 any more.  It will take a pretty big work by God to get me motivated.  I don't really want to do all the resume writing, pavement pounding (albeit, mostly on cyber-pavement), clothing buying, self promoting, etc., that needs to be done.  But since my friends have failed to find me my 40-something, single Christian rich guy with no crazy ex-wife, I must go through the job hunting thing.  Blyeck.

Today, I spent a good portion of the day putting thoughts together for a resume.  I sat there going, "Hmm...what exactly have I been doing these last 22 years?"  I sent out emails to former managers and coworkers saying, "Hey, mind if I put you as a reference?"  I tried to put a true list of skills and tools that represent my current knowledge.  I know plenty of friends who put down every piece of software they've ever touched, seen, spoken of, etc as actual skills.  I refuse to oversell myself.  I can read enough java to debug some coding problems.  But I usually end up needing help because it's still rather Greek to me.  So I certainly won't tell them I can code java.  I hesitate to put any of my coding languages down because I haven't coded in over 4 years.

I mean, if I could put down the best parts of my skill set, it wouldn't look all that good on an IT resume.  "I provide the comic relief.  I kill the tension between adversarial IT groups.  I make sure everyone is heard.  Even the timid wallflower with no self-esteem that usually has the best ideas.  I deflate over bloated egos and keep technical people rooted in reality and not in Star Trek ideals.  I speak techie.  I speak end user.  I speak tester.  I can communicate with the lowest pee-on.  I can talk to the highest up mucky muck.  I make things pretty.  But I also make sure the pretty actually works.  I make sure all the different groups in a meeting understand each other and aren't reliving the Tower of Babel.  I'm a unificator."

The hard part for me is, putting all of the above in corporate speak.  I have to use all the correct buzz words.  Whatever the hip corporate vernacular is at this moment.  I have never been good at blowing my own horn.  Not in the business world.  Singing, yes.  But not in the corporate world.

Anyway, I will be going on interviews.  They will be interviewing me to see if I'm made of stuff they want in their company.  I will be interviewing them to see if they are a company in which I want to work.  I will dance the dance.  I'm just hoping God gives me big signs.  I don't want to just grab the first thing I'm offered.  But I also don't want to be stupid thinking there are 8 million jobs from which I can choose.

I'm pretty chill.  God totally rocked the whole move and house purchase into the most awesome neighborhood.  I'm sure he can get me into a great job with the most awesome coworkers.

Anyone who likes to pray?  I'll take anything you're willing to send up.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Happy New Year.  I have no doubt that 2009 will bring some cool things.  God has been pretty good about the uphill travels lately.

I just worked my last day at Big Ol' Financial Corporation.  Very odd to walk away from 22 years in the same place.  Working from home probably softened the blow for me.  I think having to walk into the office for one last day might have put me over the edge, emotionally.

I'm staying calm by asking God to lead me through this whole finding-a-job process.  Just take each day as it comes.  I'm asking for motivation as my natural inclination in life leans on the lazy side.  It is very tempting to "take some time off".  But it's like a drug to me.  If I spent a week or two getting up late and just farting around, it would be that much harder to start the work.

I'm sorry I've rather dropped out of the blogging world.  Certainly haven't kept up like I did back in 2007.  I think it was my free therapy in 2007.  And I still love all my ABC ladies.

Well, I'm having a new year's eve with two of the cutest boys in the world.  So I'd better get back to them.

Here's to what God will do in 2009.  I'm trusting for good.  No fear, people.  The talking heads on the news don't understand how God will get us all through if we just trust.  Easier said than done, I know.  But I'm giving it a shot.

Love you all.

Happy Birthday-Eve to Lil' Bro

Tomorrow, Lil' Bro will turn five.  Tomorrow, Lil' Bro will also visit the doctor.  Tomorrow, Lil' Bro and Pokemon Boy are both hoping to go to a local inflatable place to bounce themselves silly.  I think that will depend on the whole doctor visit.

Lil' Bro has had a nasty little cough for a few weeks.  We live in an area famous for its live music and its allergies.  Before moving here, I had heard of the latter but chalked it up to a large community of hypochondriacs.  Apparently I was wrong.  There is a unusually high concentration of varying allergens in this area that you either acclimate to or suffer with.  Pokemon Boy has acclimated.  I'm hoping Lil' Bro is on his way to the same.

Either way, this go 'round, he is losing the congestion battle in the bronchial region.  And now that there is a fever and general blyecky feeling, off to the doctor we go.

I have no doubt he will eventually rally.  We may have to put off bouncing ourselves silly.  But there WILL be presents opened.  And there WILL be a Batman cake consumed.

And tomorrow, I will have a five year old.  A sweet, adorable, loving five year old.  One that adores his older brother so much that he was willing to order his entire cake in vanilla in stead of chocolate.  When I asked him if he was sure about that, he told the lady at the bakery, "Well, my brother doesn't like chocolate."  And chocolate was pronounced "chock-o-lit."  He will surrender his Burger King crown along with the title of King to his older brother to keep him happy.  If he suggests a game and big brother says no?  He rolls with it and asks, "Well, what do YOU want to play?" and then plays whatever big brother comes up with.

He can be silly with the best of us silly gened people.  He can be as shy as his great grandmother was.  He is rough and tumble but doesn't like to see anyone get hurt.  He is fascinated with how all things are put together or how they work.  This explains his obsession with Transformers as well as documentaries on how the brain works or how fetuses develop.  He will come out of his shy shell at interesting times to sing the entire song of Rudolf for my friend and me at church in the middle of our conversation.  We stopped to listen because we knew we were being treated to a rare treat.  He has a very soft spot for his grandpa (my dad).  He never lets you forget the 2nd person in a couple during conversation.  If you mention one, he'll pipe up to chime in the other name just to make sure they're not forgotten.  He loves kitties.  He's starting to like dogs.  The smaller the better.  Like his older brother, he adores babies.  He has not yet learned to think of girls as "gross" or "the enemy".  He's still small enough to carry.  He still lets me kiss him in public.  He frequently makes me pray to ask God to "stop the bombs, protect the babies, protect the children and protect the mommies and daddies" in war-torn countries.  He doesn't think Christmas decorations are all for his birthday.  And I was so proud when he insisted we needed to put up our tree, not so Santa could put presents under it but "for Jesus' birthday."

I remember being pregnant with him, worrying that I would never be able to love another baby like I loved Pokemon Boy.  Everyone with more than one kid assured me it would happen.  But I knew it was impossible.  Which is just one of the cool things about God.  With him?  All things are possible.  And the way he has given parents the ability to fall so madly in love with more than one kid.  I still find that amazing.

I am seriously the luckiest mom...that lives in my house.  There.  Now you other moms can't yell at me.

Thank you God for giving me such wonderful boys.  Thank you for Lil' Bro's birthday tomorrow.  Thank you thank you THANK you, God.

Lil' Bro ponders the tree.

Pokemon Boy near the tree.

My Newest Favorite Treat

Chili pepper infused chocolate?  Are they kidding me?  YES PLEASE!

Yesterday, while perusing through my local gourmet chocolaterie (I call it "Walmart"), I came across this fun little nugget.  I love chocolate.  I love chili peppers - most of them anyway.  I've heard of this combination for a long time and have never run across it.

Today, I tried a bit.  I bit into my first square wondering what it would taste like.  I think I was expecting the chocolate to taste like my chili.  I'm thinking cumin won't taste as good with chocolate.

Anyway, to my delight, it doesn't taste like my chili.  It tastes like chocolate.  I thought, "So where's the chili flavor?"  I didn't so much taste the chili as feel it.  It had a nice spicy after taste.  Or...after-sensation.  My mouth was all spicy.  My stomach felt it - in a good way.  I love it!  It really is good.  I highly recommend it.

The Dating Rituals of Almost-Five Year Olds

So Lil' Bro says to me this week, "Mom guess what."  "What?" says I.  "I have a girlfriend at school," he says, all crinkly faced with glee and embarrassment.  "Oh really..." says me who is now channeling the mom from Adam Sandler's 'The Waterboy'.  "Well cool," I say nonchalantly, so as not to add any undue importance or excitement to what is and should be a very sweet and innocent thing.  Pokemon Boy isn't so cool about it.  He's eight.  Girls, he has found, give you kooties.

"Really?  You have a girlfriend at school?" he asks incredulously.  "Yup," beams Lil' Bro.  I exchange a look with Pokemon Boy that warns, Don't mess with him on this subject.  He gives me a nod of understanding and continues in an overly interested tone, "So what's her name?"  Lil' Bro says, "[PreSchoolGirl]."  "What color hair does she have," inquires Pokemon Boy.  He is a fan of long straight dark hair (that's my boy!).  "Blond, I think."  Men, I think jokingly to myself.  Can't even remember the color of their girlfriend's hair.

"So you don't mind being her boyfriend?" asks the kootie-phobic 3rd grader.  "No," says Lil' Bro.  "But also," he continues, "[OtherBoy] likes her, too."  "Oh," I say, preparing for a preschool version of heart break.  "And is that ok with you?"  "Yah.  We share her," he informs me.  "You share her?  Does [PreSchoolGirl] know this?"  "Yah."  "And she's ok with this?"  "Yah."  "Ok then."

I think preschoolers "date" way better than adults.  You declare your affection.  Label yourself as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend".  Share when necessary.  And that's it.  Nothing else.  Just play together and tell people you have a girlfriend.  If only we were that smart.

My Ex Ain't All That Bad...Kinda

Well, we all heard that I'm getting laid off.  No?  Didn't hear that?  I can't recall.  Did I tell you guys?  Well I am.  At the end of Jan 2009, my "position will be eliminated."  I'm in very good company.  They toasted quite a few of us that are all connected with a certain office and any of us that work from home - long distance.  So 22 years of experience, adios.  It's business.  It's rather common business, if you watch the news.

Anyway, I was talking to the ex about it back when I got the word (mid Oct).  I told him, once Big Financial Company lays me off, they will take back the only working computer in the house.  And tell me how you find a job with no computer?  Go to the library every day?  Not exactly conducive to the 24/7 instant messaging world we live in these days.  The ex says, Let me see what I can do to help.  I really didn't think much of it.

A couple of weeks ago, he called and told me to go to the Apple website and pick whether I wanted a laptop or desktop.  I told him to pick what he thought was best for the boys.

Last week, FedEx came by with a big box and we have a brand spankin' new iMac!  With a built in webcam.  And all sorts of fun stuff.  So my ex ain't all that bad.  In some respects.

McBeth - Shakespeare for the Fast Food Generation

Back in my glamorous days in The Scene in Boston, I worked with a killer funny rock theater troupe called ACME Theatr. And yes, it's missing the last E on purpose. See, we were funny if nothing else. ACME had started out with legitimate (and very good) actors. They had started trying to get the local brain-dead rockers into theater. So they would put on these really awesome plays and then get local rock bands to play afterwards. It was pretty genius.

After a while, the director/writer, Dan, realized he had lots of actor friends that were also in bands. So he started writing rock musicals. He began recruiting lots of us rock band people to "act" in his productions. The beauty of Dan was, he had a very great sense of humor. We'd be rehearsing and goofing around and he'd go, "Keep that! That's great! Keep that in there," and I'd be like, but it was a joke!

He took classics, kept the most key parts and then let us run wild with our tongue-in-cheek approach. My first role was as Jacob Marley in Xmass Carol. My Marley was a dead gangster. Complete with a total townie thug Boston accent. Our Tiny Tim was given to rantings of communist propaganda. One incarnation of this musical had the ghost of Christmas future dressed in a Star Trek uniform. We always threw in silly pop culture references.

We took on MacBeth - making it McBeth - fast food classics. We did Prometheus & Hercules. That one was complete with a fight scene put to Star Trek fight music. My 2 girlfriends and I were always the three fates, or witches or something like that. In McBeth, we were the 3 witches that were dressed in crushed velvet clubbing dresses. We had big hair out to forever. Our cauldron had dry ice for the fog effect but also held cans of Aquanet for us to pull out and spray on our hair.

Anyway, a friend sent me a quick clip of us McBeth witches singing on YouTube. It was for some public access show someone did. The credits are running over us. But you can see and hear us. You guys have told me you want to hear me singing. This is the best I can do for the moment. It's live. It's poorly recorded. I'm chomping gum like the big-haired goober I was supposed to be. I'm on the left of the screen. My friend Christine is in the middle. My friend Sooz is on the right.

Anyway, enjoy.

#952 In a Series of Why God Totally Rocks

I'm sure I've chased away some regular readers with all my 'God Rocks' stuff. But I can't help it. I honestly am blown away by how he constantly comes through for me. And in ways that seem small but are just so freaking cool.

I just sat down to do my online bills. Glamor, baby. All the way. I was totally stressing over it. I knew I wouldn't be able to stretch the checking account to cover it all. There is one credit card in particular that drove me to panic mode last month. This month, I definitely did NOT have enough to cover the minimum. My priorities are like house, food, electric/gas and then I worry about the 2 credit cards (which I hate and can't wait to pay off and then BURN). So I had gotten the essentials paid. I thought I'd go look to see this huge minimum due. The amount left in my checkbook register wouldn't cover it. So I started thinking how I'd have to call them tomorrow to explain how I can only send a paltry amount each month and yes, I realize I'm the one who racked it way up there and yes I know it was stupid.

So I log on to the website and see that the minimum is more than half of what they wanted last month! Yes, I understand that the lesser amount means they can bleed me longer. But that's not the point. The point is, I've been asking God to somehow help me dig out of this hole. Somehow help me pay my obligations and still be able to tithe. The old standard "Help me, God!" So the amount that was there? I could pay it! Early! I was sitting there going, "God you so totally rock. I love you SO much! Thank you thank you thank you!"

Don't you guys think that's cool? I mean, think about it! I think that is just amazing - how God cares about the stupid financial mess I got myself into. I told God that I was totally aware that I messed up and let the living-beyond-my-means thing get the better of me. And I told him I was sorry and wanted to fix it. But I can't. So I asked him to help me. And he keeps making it possible to keep my head above water.

I have friends - even family - that will chalk up all my "Wow God rocks!" moments on this blog to coincidence or things that aren't that big a deal. I get that. I used to be there, too. That's ok. I'm still gonna crow whenever God pulls my butt out of the fire. If he's giving me free fridge repair, a freezer full of meat, free pepperoni rolls or cutting my monthly minimum by almost 2/3. I will take it. Gladly. And I will tell everyone who will listen.

Because God really does rock. All you have to do is ask. And then you have to have the eyes to see it. Big or small. Because he'll come through. Oh yes. He will come through.

And my Pollyanna post is over.

Weekly Randomosity

The Layoff:
I'm doing much better about the layoff now. I went from calm acceptance to anxiety/panic to church. At church, I cried all over my friend PregnantKeyboardGirl. She prayed over me and told me she loves me. Then the AwesomeCoffeeBringer couple prayed over me, too. I also happen to know that pretty much all of my praying family and friends are blanketing heaven with prayers on my behalf. I'm sure God is up there going, "Yah, 'Take care of Lynette.' I'm ON it, people!" Thankfully God is way more patient than I would be. But it's a funny image in my head.

So I went from lot of hands-on prayer back to work. And this week, I have felt totally peaceful about things. I figure, I've asked God to guide me. I've asked him to show me which direction to go. I've asked him to get me an awesome job that will allow me family time and the money to support my little family. So all I can do now is just work and get through the layoff process. The rest will unfold when God wants it to.

So I'm chill. God's got me.


Our New Church Building!!!
Our church has been working on finding a permanent building for a while. When I joined in late 2005, we were slated to move into a new building that winter. Due to a legal battle between the landlord and the developer, that never happened. And we stood by anxiously awaiting the results for a long time.

Well, this past Tuesday, we started moving in the bulk of our stuff (to a totally different space!). Our children's ministry leader had already gotten a lot of toys moved in. But on Tuesday, a small group of us got 128 comfy chairs unloaded, vacuumed, washed down and set up! And pastor Kenny loaded them from the storage space into the trailer alone. (Look at the superhero muscles on that guy!)

It was the kind of hard work I love to do because it is actually DOING something. And doing something for God. Plus, I got to hang out with some really awesome church family while doing it.

Today was our last day in the elementary school. We gave one of the school workers a gift certificate and card because she has been there with us for so long and has been like a family member.

Next Sunday is our first service in the new building. WOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!

The first chair in...


Most of the chairs in...


Panoramic view of the sanctuary from the front...


Pokemon Boy:
Mr. Dude is having some issues with anger. Well, all out melt downs is more like it. He had two this past week. Both times, he couldn't do something he wanted to do. I think it's a few things: A) he's overtired, B) he's a little worried about this layoff thing, C) he's 8 and D) he's human and hates when he doesn't get what he wants. But the all out temper tantrum - we haven't seen that in years.

We had a nice long talk about it. I told him that he's old enough to start controlling when he's upset like that. I told him to recognize that feeling and work hard to keep the anger in check. And when he can't? That's when you ask God to step in. He said, "I never pray when I'm at school." I said, "Well, don't think of it as praying. Just keep the conversation going. No matter where you are. You can just talk to him any time. Tell him anything. Ask for help with anything, anywhere." He kind of raised his eyebrows in that "Hmm. Interesting," way. Today at church, we almost headed toward meltdown. But I just got down on his level and said, "Dude, put a LID on that attitude right NOW." Not mean. Just nipped it in the bud and made it VERY clear that it would NOT be tolerated.

I don't think any of it is related to his Tourette's. I think it's all the stuff I mentioned before. But he asked if he could see his play therapist. So I've made an appointment. You want to talk to someone who can help you? Heck yah I'll find the money somewhere!


Hallerween:
Lil' Bro had a fever off and on this week. Friday, it was pretty high and he stayed home. But there was no way Optimus Prime was going to miss out on the trick-or-treating. So little Mr Fever Guy went trick-or-treating. He pooped out about 3/4 of the way through so we kept it short. Which fortunately was fine with his older brother. We had so much fun and they were just so freaking adorable. They have hardly eaten any of their candy. I've probably eaten more of it than they have.

Lil' Bro was Optimus Prime. Pokemon Boy was Ben 10.



God Rockin' More Free Food:
Today at church, one of my friends had a word for me that was incredibly encouraging. God told me that he loves me and he will take care of it all. I can't think of a better word to get right now.

Tonight, I took the boys to our favorite pizza joint. We had called our order in so it would be ready when we got there. As we sat down to eat, one of the workers walked over with a large pizza box and said, "My manager wanted me to ask if you guys would like some extra pepperoni rolls." There were 12 extra pepperoni rolls in the box! That's like a large pepperoni pizza - in rolled up form. They had accidentally made a double order for someone and we got the extras! We LUUUUUUUUUV their pepperoni rolls. So I know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow!

Emily Dickinson, I Ain't

Monday was my day of birth
I took the whole day off
My parents took me out that night
though mom still had a cough

Tuesday I was back to work
And mayhem ruled the day
I watched in shock as management
just hacked and hacked away

I spent the morning tracking names
of friends all being cut
At noon I got invited to
a call for you know what

My job has been eliminated
the date not set in stone
I got a decent severance
but still I had to groan

I kept it all professional
You would have been so proud
But Wednesday night the panic hit
I'm sure my sobs were loud

So once again I turned to God
I'm not sure how he deals:
My constant knocking on his door
My begging and my squeals

But that's the cool thing 'bout my God
He seems to like me still
So I will keep on trusting Him
and put my mode on 'Chill'

My Anniversary...

Today is my birthday. To put it in terms that align more with my mental age more than my chronological age, I celebrated it as follows:

The 23rd anniversary of my 20th birthday or
The 13th anniversary of my 30th birthday or
The 4th anniversary of my 39th birthday.

That last one is how my friend's father used to label his birthdays. It was always in relation to his 39th birthday.

For the last I-don't-know-how-many years, I have never worked on my birthday. It's always a planned vacation day for me. When my children were born, I incorporated this rule for their birthdays, too. They were both born near holidays so that usually helps to not use up too many of my vacation days. But mine is never on a holiday. So I take a day. It's silly but very refreshing.

Today, I would have loved to have slept in. But I woke up at 6:20am, got the kids ready, and drove them to their school and day care. I had every intention to return to bed when I got home. But I didn't really want to waste a whole day sleeping. Oddly.

So at 7:30am, I got a bowl of raisin bran, sat down on the couch, fired up the ol' DVR and watched the 3 episodes of one of my favorite shows I've missed for the last 3 weeks. Let me tell you, watching 3 weeks in a row, fast forwarding through commercials? That's just fun! Sure it's mindless drivel but it's FUN!

After watching that much TV in pretty much one position for that long, I started getting a you've-been-sitting-in-the-same-position-too-long headache. So I hopped in the car and went to Walmart and Target. This is something you moms will get. When you don't have the kids and don't have to work (when does THAT happen at the same time?!), just walking through a store at your own pace is amazing. I can stop and look at anything I want. For as LONG as I want. No one is going, "Mooooom (*big sigh*) how long do we have to look at these CANDLES?!" or "Why do we always have to look at GIRL clothes?" or "When can we go to the toy section?" Granted, I didn't buy anything for me. Well unless gum counts. But I was able to buy some Christmas presents and hide them away. But the whole concept of being able to stop and stare at whatever I wanted? Yah, I was soaking that up.

With money being tight, I haven't spoiled me in a long time. So I went to Starbucks. I didn't get too stupid because money doesn't magically untighten on your birthday. So in stead of the huge java chip frappacino I would have liked to get, I just got a ginormous iced coffee. Very cheap and very yummy.

After getting all wired on good coffee, I dropped in on my parents. My mom is recovering from an incredibly tenacious bronchial infection of some sort. The effort of all that coughing (which I almost spelled "coffing") has exhausted her. She's on the tail end but still having those coughing fits that hit you at the worst times. So I sat and talked with her and dad for a while. Which of course, probably made her cough more. I'm thoughtful like that.

I left my parents to head over to the elementary school for a teacher conference. I wasn't sure what to expect. This teacher doesn't seem to give a lot of direct feedback to the kids so I had no idea which direction this thing might go. Fortunately, it rocked. Nothing better than sitting there having a stranger confirm what you already think about your kid. Well, I suppose that last statement is only true if you LIKE what you already think about your kid. So Pokemon Boy got rave reviews. He's incredibly polite. He's been working very hard on responding the first time she says something. (I resisted the urge to say, "Really? Could you come to my house and get him to do it THERE?") He seems to have made it over that adjusting-to-third-grade hump that can be very hard. He thinks outside the box. He's creative. She likes having him in her class. I was like, Did I pay you to say all of this and it just slipped my mind?

Oh, and best of all - she hasn't seen any tics. She has had a student in the past with severe Tourette's. So she knows what it can be. I was so glad to hear that. Also, Pokemon Boy has commented on a few occasions that not a lot of kids play with him because they think he's kind of strange. He actually used the word "weird" once. I was worried about that and asked her. She said socially, he's completely normal. She sees him working with other kids and getting along with them. He's very good at encouraging his classmates and is very kind. I asked her about anything that might look like he's on the outside. Nothing. HUGE relief.

When I got home, I took Pokemon Boy to Walmart to pick out a birthday present for Lil' Bro. His birthday is right before Christmas so I thought we'd grab something now, while Lil' Bro was still in school. My closet is currently stocked well with Bakugan and Transformers. I live in a boy house for sure.

After picking up Lil' Bro, my parents picked us up and took us to one of my favorite TexMex restaurants. I had enchiladas (which I'm pretty sure man COULD live on alone...or at least I could) and crispy tacos. While I was in the bathroom with Lil' Bro, my mom talked to our waitress. So after the meal, here comes the wait staff with a giant sombrero. They sang some birthday song that included a comment about me getting old (Pokemon Boy made sure to point that out after the song), plopped the sombrero on my head and gave me a big bowl of fried ice cream and whipped cream. YUM!!!

The ice cream rocked. Putting a sombrero on my head that has graced who knows HOW many other heads with who knows WHAT other skin or hair ailments - yah, that was NOT my favorite part. But it does make for a silly picture. I'll scan that and post it another time. And you will all be amused at how even a giant sombrero looks tiny on my ginormous melon head.

OH! I forgot! After picking up Lil' Bro at day care, I got home to find a vase of flowers on my front porch. BigSis and her TallHubby had them delivered to me. How much do THEY rock? Last week, my church sent me my first birthday card. My aunt Millie sent my 2nd card. Pokemon Boy MADE my 3rd card.

So the anniversary of my birthday rocked.

Thank you God for giving me a fun, stress-free day.

A Haircut and God Rockin' the Meat from Heaven (via Omaha)

A Haircut for Lil' Bro:
Today was school pictures for Lil' Bro at the day care. So last night, I offered to trim his cute little mop top. He informed me he wanted a hair cut. One like Pokemon Boy. Are you SURE? I must have asked him about 952 times to be sure. He was sure. I finally gave in and gave him a crew cut. I have always let them choose their hair cuts (within reason). So I lopped off all that adorable moppage. *sniff*


As you can see, he's adorable no matter how much hair. But I do miss the mop.


God Rockin' the Meat from Heaven:
In one of the small groups Trish had right after mine, they were discussing miracles or signs from God. One person had been skeptical and had said something like a baked ham dropping from heaven might convince him. So I have often referred to miraculous happenings as a "baked ham from heaven."

In light of that little set up, my next praise report had me email Trish immediately.

Things here in Tourette's Mom Land are tight. This life is not a one-parent or one-income kind of thing. I have been finding ways to cut costs. Some more painful than others. I have spent weeks and/or days wrapped in anxiety, worrying over the potential loss of my house or entire life style. To the cost cutting end, I have been buying generic or cheap. Things that used to seem inedible to me in my snobby money-grows-on-trees days now seem like ambrosia. I have learned the hard way that, if you sneer at it, you can pretty much count on having to actually need it some day. It's just one version of the whole pride-before-a-fall story.

Blah blah blah = money is tight. Meat has become a luxury item or something I usually only get at my mom's house. I was starting to worry if I'll be getting enough protein in my boys' diets.

Last Sunday we prayed as a church for our selves. Individually. Pastor Kenny led us all in a prayer releasing all the worries over to God. Giving control of everything over to God. Releasing the fear. And in that prayer, I just asked for God to bless me. It was a very loose, all encompassing request. I didn't even know what I wanted. Just a blessing. Anything. Help me, God. Send me a blessing. Anything. It doesn't even have to be big. Just something.

On Monday, I ran into my next door neighbor - the gorgeous classy divorced woman I want to be some day. She informed me that she had a whole freezer full of Omaha meats that were going to go to waste and would I like them. (Insert me looking completely dumbfounded here) She just removed meat from her diet and she knew I liked to cook and thought maybe I could use the hot dogs, hamburger meat, steaks, chicken breasts, talapia and salmon that were taking up room in her fridge. Are you KIDDING ME?! All that was missing was an actual baked ham! Oh but there were pork chops. So I think that qualifies, right?

So not only does God provide some meat for me and my boys. But he provides top quality Omaha meats. And not just a little. But half a freezer full. And VARIETY!!!

I seriously laughed. I laughed as I drove home. When she dropped them off and I had to rearrange my freezer to fit all the boxes? I laughed. I emailed Trish about my Omaha meats from heaven. I called one of my head pastors to tell her because I was about to POP from sheer amazement and laughter.

Does God ROCK or what, people? Can I hear an 'amen'?!

First Sick of the Season

Well, I have to say, Pokemon Boy has been very healthy for quite a while. Even Lil' Bro has only been dealing with allergies. And me? I've actually been doing quite well, too. Haven't even had a migraine lately.

School started in August and I figured sending the boys off to their daily petri dishes we call school and day care would mean the start of non-stop sick. Nothing! Woo hoo!

Today, both boys were home. Pokemon Boy's school was out so I kept Lil' Bro home from day care. They entertain each other and I am able to work. It's a good deal.

Early in the afternoon, I started feeling that scratchy soreness in the back of your throat from sinus drip. I ignored it. Around the same time, Pokemon Boy told me his throat hurt when he swallowed. I got some decongestants in him and went back to work. I came down a couple of hours later to find Lil' Bro farting around by himself and Pokemon Boy laying on the couch - face flushed red, looking like he'd pulled an all-nighter.

Yup. Fever. Low but there. He has no school Monday either. So he's very upset that he'll spend a long weekend sick. So I said, well, you know we always run for the medicine as soon as we feel yucky. It rarely occurs to me to try something else first. So I went over and put my hands on him and just asked God for healing. To take away the sore throat, clear the nose and take the fever. Why is that always done after I've already poured all the other crap down his throat? I'm going to have to shift that.

Anyway, I've just wrapped up my work day. I'm going to go see how the boys are and convince them to go to bed early on a Friday night. Yah...good luck with that one!

Hope you're all well.

What Does My Birthday Say About Me?

I have so many blogger pals that totally crack me up. I wish I had more time to read blogs because I certainly need the levity. But Ellesappelle got me thinking with this post. What does my birthday say about me?

On October 20th, I will turn 43. It's a rather non-exciting age. So I thought I'd take this moment to see what my birth date might say about me.

Celebrities Sharing My Day:

Bela Lugosi born on October 20, 1882 - dude, it's Dracula! How cool is that?
Ferdinand "Jelly Roll" Morton born on October 20, 1890 - "Jelly Roll". Need I say more?
Olive Thomas born on October 20, 1894 - A silent film star, she was a Ziegfeld girl and the original flapper. Sweet.
Jean-Pierre Melville born on October 20, 1917 - French film maker. Zut alors!
Mickey Mantle born on October 20, 1931 - an amazing ball player with a bit of a drinking problem and trouble marriage. Hmm...
Tom Petty born on October 20, 1950 - singer/song writer who recently played the half time show at the Super Bowl. The performance made me think, "You need to stop now. Stop while you're ahead."
Vicente Engonga born on October 20, 1965 - born on my actual day of birth. A Spanish football player (that would be soccer to the silly Americans).
Snoop Dogg born on October 20, 1971 - Awww yah. I'm down with the Dogg.

Performers and entertainers. Coincidence? Oh sure you could say most "celebrities" are performers and entertainers. But I beg to differ. I don't share birthdays with historians, quantum physicists, great architects, poets or painters. I share them mostly with spot-light hogs. Now tell me if you think it's coincidence!

Now let's see if any historical events say anything about me. We'll start with events happening AFTER I was born:

1967 - A purported bigfoot is filmed by Patterson and Gimlin.
1971 - The Nepal stock exchange collapses.
1973 - The Saturday Night Massacre: President Nixon fires Attorney General Elliot Richardson and Deputy Attorney General William Ruckelshaus after they refuse to fire Watergate prosecutor Archibald Cox, who is finally fired by Robert Bork.
1976 - The ferry George Prince is struck by a ship while crossing the Mississippi River between Destrehan and Luling, LA. Seventy-eight passengers and crew died; only 18 people aboard the ferry survived.
1977 - A plane carrying Lynyrd Skynyrd crashes in Mississippi, killing lead singer Ronnie Van Zant and guitarist Steve Gaines along with backup singer Cassie Gaines, the road manager, pilot, and co-pilot.
1982 - During the UEFA Cup match between FC Spartak Moscow and HFC Haarlem, 66 people are crushed to death in the Luzhniki disaster.
1991 - The Oakland Hills firestorm kills 25 and destroys 3,469 homes and apartments, causing more than $2 billion in damage.

Ok, I was going to try to twist around some events to make them look more dire than they really were but dang! I didn't even HAVE to. Allie, I'm getting worried.

Now let's look at my name and stats to see if anything can be made of those.

The letters in my name can be shifted around to make the following:
Eel Sent Testy - eel? Snake. Sent testy? The snake sent...discord? Hmmmm?
Steely Tenets - cold & unyielding beliefs.
Set Ye Nettles - plant stinging prickly plants.
Eyes Let Tents - the eyes let...um...stuff...into your...uh...tent? The eyes let stuff into the tent of your mind! Yah, that's it! I don't know what it means but it's very profound and mysterious sounding.

My zip code plus my SSN plus my street number equals 55703767. When you add those 8 numbers together, you get 40. Which is the number of years the Israelites wandered in the desert, pretty much because they were a whiny lot even after national-scale miracles, a visual presence of God and generally being dumb humans like the rest of us.

So if you look at people with my birth date, we're all in desperate need of attention and approval.

If you look at events on my birthday after I entered the world, apparently, I have wrought much disaster in this world.

If you look at the anagrams of my name, they speak of discord and discomfort...and tents.

And the numbers add up to years of punishment. I may not be the antichrist like Allie. But apparently, I'm one of her minions.

I probably never would have looked into my own broken nature like this if it weren't for the ridiculous amounts of forwarded (and unresearched) emails I've been getting telling me how each of the political candidates is the spawn of the dark one. Thank goodness my mass emailing friends and family have awakened me to my own horror!

And one reason I'm writing in the OTHER Palin for president:
http://michaelpalinforpresident.com/

A Blissful Lapse in Memory

Well, today would have been my twelfth wedding anniversary. I never would have even thought of it. Isn't that huge? Well, it is. I am so happy that I haven't been thinking about it for a month - dreading it. I'm so happy I didn't remember it today. I'm amazed that I didn't wake up in a funk because of it.

Today, I woke up and had an amazing day at church. God has been lifting my attitude a lot these last few weeks. It's amazing what shameless persistence can do when praying.

So if I didn't remember it, why am I posting about it, eh? I got an email from the ex. It started out "Seeing that today would have been our 12th anniversary..." I read that and had to check the date on the calendar. A few emails later, I got a reminder from Amazon.com that it was my anniversary. I have since killed that reminder. But I was so surprised to A) see an email from the ex and B) be reminded that today was my anniversary. Oh, and C) I don't particularly care. Last year, it was hard. Actually, I recall that last year, on my anniversary, the girl-thing flew into town for a visit with the then-future-ex. Hahahaha! Oh what insanity God has pulled me through! Holy guacamole.

So this year - the first anniversary on which I was actually NOT married - I am pleased as heck to have had to be reminded. And by the ex himself. And with a very sincere attempt at an apology. We have a long way to go. He has a lot of apologizing to do. And God has a lot of miracle to pull off by filling my heart with forgiveness. It's a work in progress. But I appreciated his efforts. His foot was in his mouth throughout the whole email. But it was an attempt. Attempts are something lots of women in my position never even get. So I will appreciate the fact that he made one.

But - as I told him in my reply - the imperfect human side of me will always have trouble with these little apology nuggets seemingly tossed over his shoulder as he continues with his pursuit of the thing that destroyed the the family unit we built. Like I said, God has a lot of work to do in me yet.

But look how much He's already done!

Oh, and I thought I'd leave you with a fun little picture from my wedding day. Because I had one of the most fun weddings ever. I refuse to lock every single memory away just because someone ruined the marriage. This is a shot of me with my friends Paul & Adrianne. It's a ridiculous shot of me and Adrianne has a goofy look. I like it because Paul is in it and has since passed from this life. So here's a fun memory from 12 years ago, today: