So after my giant smile of a last post, my mood did a slow-motion nose dive. You see, 10/05 was my 11th wedding anniversary. I was so excited to wake up thinking I didn't care. I was still smiling from the Boston trip. But I let a few things get to me. The primary thing being that future ex's girl thing arrived for a 4 day visit in my city. Gack. I won't see her and she won't see my kids. But still. Blyeck.
At first, I felt it shallow to let it bother me so much. But you know, that 1600 mile distance felt like a buffer zone. She has her territory up there that I can pretty much ignore. And this is mine. I don't like feeling like my territory is invaded.
But the whole arriving on my anniversary to be with my future ex...I think it would have been a bit easier to handle if those damned divorce papers were signed, sealed and DONE. Probably not. Who knows.
Anyway, the loneliness and unfairness and general self-pity-ness got to me and I was pretty bummed. I chatted with a few loving friends and it helped a bit. But when I went to bed, I didn't even want to really talk to God. But I did. I just talked a little bit. Tried to turn it over to him. Not very well. But made the attempt because I think that's all God really wants. Just make the effort. So I made a paltry effort. Felt lame.
Today, I woke up feeling, well, freed. Not totally "ta-dah!" but I wasn't bummed any more. Not totally. God was definitely trying to do what I asked.
I don't know why, but as the day wore on, the dull feeling crept back in. I was driving to errands with my beautiful boys in the back. I was driving thinking, "Man, if I was alone, I would probably start crying." Which I hate. I'm sick of crying. So just as I thought this, my cell rang. I saw it was a Boston friend, Susan. It was perfect. I remember thinking this is the exact perfect person to talk to right now. She talked to me all through the boys playing at the Burger King playscape (yes, we're probably regulars there now). She talked to me on the whole drive to our grocery store. We probably talked for more than 2 hrs. She is an amazing woman. And she was exactly the shot in the arm I needed. She is someone I can share certain shortcomings with and I'm not afraid of judgement or wagging fingers in the face. And she knows this pain. Poor dear girl. She knows this pain.
A wee bit of the funk is still there. Although, that could just be God using exhaustion to say, "Hey L.y.n.e.t.t.e, it's 1:30 in the morning. GO TO BED, you silly git!" Because that's what he calls me. A silly git. But anyway. I'll live. This too shall pass and all that.
I need to adjust my definition of "alone". I should say things like, "I survived my first anniversary without a man." But not "alone." I am SO not alone. Thank you, God. Thank you for wonderful goobers like Susan and all of the other lovely people you've made put up with me.
Ok...God's telling me to go to bed. Better listen.
10:10pm UPDATE:
Just had to come give an update.
I went to church today. It was one of my triple whammy Sundays. I teach once a month, I do food service every Sunday and I sing in the worship team as many Sunday's as they don't kick me off the stage. On those days when I do all three, I've usually been up to the challenge. Throwing myself 110% into things is how I survived the divorce. As I get stronger and more rooted in reality, I am realizing I've over sold myself.
With the funkification of my mood this weekend, it was hard to wrap my head around being a spiritual leader for the 3's & 4's class. Lil Bro was very excited to have mommy as his teacher. But I just wasn't into it. I was a bit stressed over it. When I got to church, I brought in all the food and pretty much got on stage to rehearse. Then I helped set up the food. So I didn't get a chance to do more than read over my lesson. I hate that. I usually totally prepare and have everything prepped and ready to go. All week, I've been thinking that I can't do all three. And I have to say, my heart is in the worship singing and the food. I love doing both. So I found the education director. She understood but I could see it was a blow. It's hard to find devoted Sunday school teachers. She has a great bunch and I was taking one away. But I did it and she was so gracious and supportive.
Anyway, that's not what I intended to write about. Today, I thought, ok, I've been in this funk or fighting it. And I'm not going to let it ruin my worship. So during the group prayer before church, I just silently asked God to just take everything out of my way - let me focus on him. Help me to really lead worship and not distract from it. But mostly, help me to REALLY worship and not just "sing."
God came through. Even in the rehearsal, I could feel him ministering to me. Usually in rehearsal, I'm learning a lot of songs for the first time. So I'm very focused on where the song is going, what the lead singer is doing, what the bass line is doing (I pull most of my harmonies from whatever the bass is doing), etc. But man, I just started really listening to the words and just sending my vocals up as a prayer. It was amazing. I was up there during rehearsal while they were getting levels and fixing speakers and just letting it FLY, man! It was AWESOME. And then, during the real service, WOO-EEE. The Holy Spirit showed up big time. It was awesome. I was so into it. I was SO feeling it. I was just IN IT. Oh I love that! I mean, sometimes I have no idea if I'm the only one that feels that way. But hey, if God wants to minister to only me during worship, I'll take it! But at one point, when I opened my eyes and looked out over the darkened congregation, I saw hands up and people just REALLY into it. I LOVE that. And afterwards, one of my dear wonderful mom-type friends came up and said, "Thank you SO much for being up there singing." I was like, thank ME? Are you kidding? I feel totally selfish up there because I have such an amazingly good time every Sunday that I sing. But I knew what she meant and it told me that, no, I wasn't the only one that felt it.
Very cool to have that as my Sunday experience today.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
...And Boy Are My Arms Tired!
I just got home from my business trip to NJ and Boston. I don't normally ever come back going, "Wow, that business trip was AWESOME!" But I'm saying it this time! I had such a freaking AWESOME almost-week up there.
First off, New England (and the north east region) is my most favoritest place in the country. I've lived in a lot of places but I love that area the best. On our drive from Boston to NJ, I had my face pressed against the window and just kept going, "LOOK at those TREES!" My New England coworkers were like, dude, they're just trees. Now, don't get me wrong: I adore my new Texas home. Austin rocks. Love it. It's green and gorgeous. But it has SHORT trees. Not a lot of water here so the trees very smartly decide to stay short and get wide (much like myself). In New England, the trees tower over you. As one native Austinite told me today, she hates tall trees. She likes her short Texas trees. She likes to see the sky. So there is a plus to the short trees. Plus, being surrounded by short trees, I can pretend I'm taller.
Second, the trip to NJ was our divisional off site "group hug". It's all IT people. Can you think of a less exciting group of people with which to have an all-day meeting? But it actually was a lot of fun. Mostly due to the fact that - this year - the didn't try to "mix it up" with assigned seats. We got to sit where we wanted and with whom we wanted. So I could lean over and make my silly remarks to my friend and she could go, "Stop talking to me." I got to see a lot of coworkers from PA that I haven't seen in about a year, too. And some NJ friends - ditto. So that was actually much better than I expected.
Third, everyone kept telling me how gorgeous I look. And by gorgeous, I think they really meant, "Wow, you're not a 300 pound, gelatinous, weeping mess!" But I just pretended they all thought I should be on America's Next Top Model. I found it especially funny that, on the day when I didn't have time to wash my hair, everyone told me how great my hair looked. What is THAT about?
On Tuesday night, I got to hang with a long-time friend that I adore. He is actually the son of a friend from my Boston rock theater days. I still think of him as that 14 yr old kid. Well, he's 6'2" and 25 yrs old now. So that was an adjustment. HA! He's been one of my few male supporters through this divorce. He recently lost his life love and we've found we have many similar experiences in our dealing with our losses. Sometimes he just calls to see how I'm doing because he's having a hard day dealing with loneliness. Other times, I'll describe something I'm feeling and he'll get it. Normally if a 25 yr old tried to liken their love-loss to mine, I'd toss some snide remark at them about how their situation is so paltry compared to mine. But he really gets it. We had a great time hanging out and we both gave each other a great shot to our respective egos. Nothing like hanging out with people who love you no matter what to just make you feel amazing.
And speaking of people who love you no matter what, on Wednesday night, I got to hang with my other long-time (and one not-so-long-time) friends. I hooked up with Kristen, Trish and Alicia at a great Boston eatery. These three women were my go-to pillars when future ex first dumped me. I have to tell you how awesome it is to have people to turn to who will immediately start praying even as you're crying on the phone to them. I cannot tell you how much they've had to endure in listening to me. I also think how hard this has been for them. I mean, first, they have to deal with standing on the side lines while one of their best friends is in the ring having one of the biggest fights of her life. Praying is amazing. And it works. But I know first hand that the human side of you wishes you could get in the ring and throw a few punches, too. And second, two of them were almost as close to my future ex as they were to me. So they are feeling the loss of a man they loved for many years. And they are dealing with the whole, "Who IS this guy, anyway?" thing.
But all week at the office, I just had a huge smile on my face. I think that threw all my office mates. This was the first time since March that I travelled to Boston. First time they saw me since they heard I was actually getting divorced. To see me looking healthy and smiling like a goon? I don't think that was easy to reconcile in their heads. I think that was why I got so many shocked sounding comments like, "You look amazing!"
So yah, this trip just rejuvenated me. And I'm still smiling!
First off, New England (and the north east region) is my most favoritest place in the country. I've lived in a lot of places but I love that area the best. On our drive from Boston to NJ, I had my face pressed against the window and just kept going, "LOOK at those TREES!" My New England coworkers were like, dude, they're just trees. Now, don't get me wrong: I adore my new Texas home. Austin rocks. Love it. It's green and gorgeous. But it has SHORT trees. Not a lot of water here so the trees very smartly decide to stay short and get wide (much like myself). In New England, the trees tower over you. As one native Austinite told me today, she hates tall trees. She likes her short Texas trees. She likes to see the sky. So there is a plus to the short trees. Plus, being surrounded by short trees, I can pretend I'm taller.
Second, the trip to NJ was our divisional off site "group hug". It's all IT people. Can you think of a less exciting group of people with which to have an all-day meeting? But it actually was a lot of fun. Mostly due to the fact that - this year - the didn't try to "mix it up" with assigned seats. We got to sit where we wanted and with whom we wanted. So I could lean over and make my silly remarks to my friend and she could go, "Stop talking to me." I got to see a lot of coworkers from PA that I haven't seen in about a year, too. And some NJ friends - ditto. So that was actually much better than I expected.
Third, everyone kept telling me how gorgeous I look. And by gorgeous, I think they really meant, "Wow, you're not a 300 pound, gelatinous, weeping mess!" But I just pretended they all thought I should be on America's Next Top Model. I found it especially funny that, on the day when I didn't have time to wash my hair, everyone told me how great my hair looked. What is THAT about?
On Tuesday night, I got to hang with a long-time friend that I adore. He is actually the son of a friend from my Boston rock theater days. I still think of him as that 14 yr old kid. Well, he's 6'2" and 25 yrs old now. So that was an adjustment. HA! He's been one of my few male supporters through this divorce. He recently lost his life love and we've found we have many similar experiences in our dealing with our losses. Sometimes he just calls to see how I'm doing because he's having a hard day dealing with loneliness. Other times, I'll describe something I'm feeling and he'll get it. Normally if a 25 yr old tried to liken their love-loss to mine, I'd toss some snide remark at them about how their situation is so paltry compared to mine. But he really gets it. We had a great time hanging out and we both gave each other a great shot to our respective egos. Nothing like hanging out with people who love you no matter what to just make you feel amazing.
And speaking of people who love you no matter what, on Wednesday night, I got to hang with my other long-time (and one not-so-long-time) friends. I hooked up with Kristen, Trish and Alicia at a great Boston eatery. These three women were my go-to pillars when future ex first dumped me. I have to tell you how awesome it is to have people to turn to who will immediately start praying even as you're crying on the phone to them. I cannot tell you how much they've had to endure in listening to me. I also think how hard this has been for them. I mean, first, they have to deal with standing on the side lines while one of their best friends is in the ring having one of the biggest fights of her life. Praying is amazing. And it works. But I know first hand that the human side of you wishes you could get in the ring and throw a few punches, too. And second, two of them were almost as close to my future ex as they were to me. So they are feeling the loss of a man they loved for many years. And they are dealing with the whole, "Who IS this guy, anyway?" thing.
But all week at the office, I just had a huge smile on my face. I think that threw all my office mates. This was the first time since March that I travelled to Boston. First time they saw me since they heard I was actually getting divorced. To see me looking healthy and smiling like a goon? I don't think that was easy to reconcile in their heads. I think that was why I got so many shocked sounding comments like, "You look amazing!"
So yah, this trip just rejuvenated me. And I'm still smiling!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Happy Pre-Birthday Weekend, Dad!
Monday is my dad's 80th birthday. I'm rather vexed that my work has asked me to travel to a very UNglamorous city for an even MORE unglamorous all-day meeting. I call it our divisional group hug. But without the hugging. And with more animosity and rolling eyes. Good times, that.
Normally, I would blow off said unglamorous work trip for my dad's much more important birthday. However, I haven't traveled for work in over 9 months. Thanks to the fun of watching my marriage dissolve and working on my divorce. So I can't really blow this one off. I've blown off quite a few pretty important work trips since I took my new position in April (the same day I uncovered all the lies). SO away I go on Sunday. Which is another thing. I hate flying on Sunday. I never work on Sundays. But again, I'm in a bit of a political pinch. I figure God is ok with this. Otherwise, he would have blown a winning lottery ticket into my house.
So tonight, I'm taking my parents out to a pretty nice steak house. Dad loves a good steak. The trick will be to get him to order like he wants to and not like he thinks my WALLET wants him to.
Tomorrow, my sister & bro-in-law are coming up. Dad wants basically a turkey dinner - with stuffing and the whole bit. Whatever an 80 yr old man wants? You give it to him. So tomorrow, I will eat well again! I will head to my work gathering looking about 20 lbs heavier, I'm sure.
So wherever you are, wish my dad a happy birthday in your head. I'm sure he'll pick up on the vibes!
Edited 11:29pm -
Wooooo-EE! Let me tell you, that place rocks. I just ROLLED in from hanging at my parents house - post meat fest. Dad, mom & I all had prime rib. Oh yah baby. That's the stuff. And dad loved it. The atmosphere of that place rocks and we had a wonderful (and adorable) waiter. And since I was paying, he got a good tip.
Must....digest....meat.....(mrmph).
Normally, I would blow off said unglamorous work trip for my dad's much more important birthday. However, I haven't traveled for work in over 9 months. Thanks to the fun of watching my marriage dissolve and working on my divorce. So I can't really blow this one off. I've blown off quite a few pretty important work trips since I took my new position in April (the same day I uncovered all the lies). SO away I go on Sunday. Which is another thing. I hate flying on Sunday. I never work on Sundays. But again, I'm in a bit of a political pinch. I figure God is ok with this. Otherwise, he would have blown a winning lottery ticket into my house.
So tonight, I'm taking my parents out to a pretty nice steak house. Dad loves a good steak. The trick will be to get him to order like he wants to and not like he thinks my WALLET wants him to.
Tomorrow, my sister & bro-in-law are coming up. Dad wants basically a turkey dinner - with stuffing and the whole bit. Whatever an 80 yr old man wants? You give it to him. So tomorrow, I will eat well again! I will head to my work gathering looking about 20 lbs heavier, I'm sure.
So wherever you are, wish my dad a happy birthday in your head. I'm sure he'll pick up on the vibes!
Edited 11:29pm -
Wooooo-EE! Let me tell you, that place rocks. I just ROLLED in from hanging at my parents house - post meat fest. Dad, mom & I all had prime rib. Oh yah baby. That's the stuff. And dad loved it. The atmosphere of that place rocks and we had a wonderful (and adorable) waiter. And since I was paying, he got a good tip.
Must....digest....meat.....(mrmph).
Thursday, September 27, 2007
My Blogger Friends ROCK!
I love the response I got from everyone on my last post. You guys are amazing.
One of the coolest things is that Wanda is going to actually send me one of her paintings to put on my wall!! She let me pick. I couldn't choose between the old truck and the girl in white. So she's going to surprise me by choosing between those two for me! Does she rock or WHAT?! I mean, in reality, none of us have ever met (excepting Trish & Kristen and my various family members lurking). But you guys support me like real friends do. I love it. I can't wait to see what Wanda chooses for me!
And to all the lovely ladies who have unfortunately walked where I am now: your strength and hope is one of the things that keeps me going. God has put you in my life to give me proof that, "See? I will get you through this." I really thank you so much for sharing your stories with me.
I have to tell you that I know I am being covered in some mighty prayer. How do I know? I'm sitting here all chipper and optimistic. All week. Since last Saturday, I have seen future ex every day or night. And each time, he takes more things and leaves more gaps. And every day, I have been fine. I haven't cried once. I haven't felt despair. I have even been able to rib him in a non-hostile way. So I know you and the rest of my wonderful support group are praying for me heartily.
I have to tell you this, too. Last night, we were emptying books off of shelves he was taking. At first, we were trying to divide them up by who owned what. But we ran out of time and just piled them all over the floor of whatever room they were in. At one point, he said, "You know, when you commented that I had so much 'stuff', I didn't realize...I don't know how I got so much STUFF!" I find it pretty telling that, he is walking out with so many physical possessions. He has also been working very hard to go out and purchase replacements for all of those things that will stay with me. So many blank spots and gaps are left in my physical world right now. I have no pressing angst to run out to replace any of them. And who is the one that is calm and peaceful? We all know that things won't make us happy. But I find this interesting - actual PROOF right in front of me.
Just thought I'd share.
I have started to incorporate many of your suggestions from my last post. I think the first item I will attack will be replacing that bed. And to paint my bedroom. I will also paint the living room (finally - I've had the color picked for over a year) as most of its walls are empty now. I already enlisted The Boy by telling him I would be framing some of his art to hang around the house. He is stoked, to say the least.
You're all so amazing.
One of the coolest things is that Wanda is going to actually send me one of her paintings to put on my wall!! She let me pick. I couldn't choose between the old truck and the girl in white. So she's going to surprise me by choosing between those two for me! Does she rock or WHAT?! I mean, in reality, none of us have ever met (excepting Trish & Kristen and my various family members lurking). But you guys support me like real friends do. I love it. I can't wait to see what Wanda chooses for me!
And to all the lovely ladies who have unfortunately walked where I am now: your strength and hope is one of the things that keeps me going. God has put you in my life to give me proof that, "See? I will get you through this." I really thank you so much for sharing your stories with me.
I have to tell you that I know I am being covered in some mighty prayer. How do I know? I'm sitting here all chipper and optimistic. All week. Since last Saturday, I have seen future ex every day or night. And each time, he takes more things and leaves more gaps. And every day, I have been fine. I haven't cried once. I haven't felt despair. I have even been able to rib him in a non-hostile way. So I know you and the rest of my wonderful support group are praying for me heartily.
I have to tell you this, too. Last night, we were emptying books off of shelves he was taking. At first, we were trying to divide them up by who owned what. But we ran out of time and just piled them all over the floor of whatever room they were in. At one point, he said, "You know, when you commented that I had so much 'stuff', I didn't realize...I don't know how I got so much STUFF!" I find it pretty telling that, he is walking out with so many physical possessions. He has also been working very hard to go out and purchase replacements for all of those things that will stay with me. So many blank spots and gaps are left in my physical world right now. I have no pressing angst to run out to replace any of them. And who is the one that is calm and peaceful? We all know that things won't make us happy. But I find this interesting - actual PROOF right in front of me.
Just thought I'd share.
I have started to incorporate many of your suggestions from my last post. I think the first item I will attack will be replacing that bed. And to paint my bedroom. I will also paint the living room (finally - I've had the color picked for over a year) as most of its walls are empty now. I already enlisted The Boy by telling him I would be framing some of his art to hang around the house. He is stoked, to say the least.
You're all so amazing.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Physical Realities
Starting this past Saturday, future ex and I have actually been dividing up the actual physical property. And it's not just a one day job. This will last a while. Going through the myriad of CDs & DVDs. Pulling pictures off the wall. Begrudgingly giving up a very few things from my kitchen. Is this your book or mine? It's a necessary evil - I really do want all of his stuff gone. It will help me in the moving-on department. But the reality of the blank walls and missing furniture sucks. And I have to verbally tie it all up in happy bows, complete with bunnies and unicorns for the boys. Oh don't worry about that table. You'll see it at daddy's apartment. Those pictures were daddy's so you'll see them there. Smile smile smile.
I mean, up until now, "divorce" has been more conceptual. Since the papers and legality of it all is still in the works, the only difference has been that daddy's gone (and mommy's wrestling to keep all sorts of negative emotions at bay). But now, these gaping holes in my home's decor...rather a jolting reality.
But as my counselor pointed out, the reality of those items being gone is helpful to me. Having constant physical reminders of him is not helping me. In all honesty, I want to sell my bed. For a while, I didn't even like sleeping in it. Represents too many lies to me. And how do you ever bring another man into that particular bed? Not that I'm looking to do that any time in this decade. But really - I wouldn't want to sleep in someone else's marriage bed. Or is that just me.
Anyway...blank walls. Yah, I know. An excuse to go shopping. Well, I'm one of those loons that doesn't want to just spend what I don't have yet. So every blank wall or space reminds me...oh yah...one more thing to save up for. I rather thought I had passed this phase - of piece-meal furnishings. Half-finished houses. That's something I thought I had left behind.
New beginnings...blah blah blah. Having trouble seeing the "yippee" in things right now.
Divorce sucks. Avoid it if you can. You can start by not marrying the wrong person. Don't settle. Don't make excuses and convince yourself that the wrong one is the right one. Start well and you'll have a better shot at finishing well.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Blah.
I mean, up until now, "divorce" has been more conceptual. Since the papers and legality of it all is still in the works, the only difference has been that daddy's gone (and mommy's wrestling to keep all sorts of negative emotions at bay). But now, these gaping holes in my home's decor...rather a jolting reality.
But as my counselor pointed out, the reality of those items being gone is helpful to me. Having constant physical reminders of him is not helping me. In all honesty, I want to sell my bed. For a while, I didn't even like sleeping in it. Represents too many lies to me. And how do you ever bring another man into that particular bed? Not that I'm looking to do that any time in this decade. But really - I wouldn't want to sleep in someone else's marriage bed. Or is that just me.
Anyway...blank walls. Yah, I know. An excuse to go shopping. Well, I'm one of those loons that doesn't want to just spend what I don't have yet. So every blank wall or space reminds me...oh yah...one more thing to save up for. I rather thought I had passed this phase - of piece-meal furnishings. Half-finished houses. That's something I thought I had left behind.
New beginnings...blah blah blah. Having trouble seeing the "yippee" in things right now.
Divorce sucks. Avoid it if you can. You can start by not marrying the wrong person. Don't settle. Don't make excuses and convince yourself that the wrong one is the right one. Start well and you'll have a better shot at finishing well.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Blah.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Donations for Andew - Update
I received this email today from the Impossibly Tall Rowing Woman, Jeanne:
Thanks guys for offering donations for Mari & Eric. In answer to our prayers, Mari's boss has stepped and made a significant donation towards the costs for laying Andrew to rest. So, Mari & Eric are thankful for your support, but would like to see all other donations go to Children's [Hospital (Boston)] or Brigham & Women's [Hospital (Boston)] to support the groundbreaking work that they do. There is a link to donate to Children's on Andrew's carepages website below. Blessings.
Thanks guys for offering donations for Mari & Eric. In answer to our prayers, Mari's boss has stepped and made a significant donation towards the costs for laying Andrew to rest. So, Mari & Eric are thankful for your support, but would like to see all other donations go to Children's [Hospital (Boston)] or Brigham & Women's [Hospital (Boston)] to support the groundbreaking work that they do. There is a link to donate to Children's on Andrew's carepages website below. Blessings.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Donations for Andrew
For those of you that are asking, I am finding out if there is any kind of donation set up for Andrew's funeral costs. Or any other fund. I will post here when I find out.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Andrew Is With God
It kills me to post this. But you all have been so faithful in your support for little Andrew and his family. I am always blown away by faith and prayers given so freely for strangers. You all rock. Every last one of you.
I received this email from the Impossibly Tall Rowing Woman, Jeanne - Andrew's loving aunt:
Thank you all for all your prayers during Andrew's struggle. He passed away today after big downturn in his condition yesterday. We were able to visit him last night to say goodbye. After seeing how much his condition had worsened, I prayed that God take him to heaven rather than see him suffer like that anymore. I know God is welcoming him into His arms.
Please pray for Mari, Eric, and Will [3 yr old big brother] as they grieve. I can't imagine how hard this is for them. Here is what Mari & Eric posted on his support site:
"Andrew Thomas Haddock passed away today in his loving mothers arms at 2 P.M. in the Children's NICU. He was 4 1/2 months old. Andrew went very quickly and peacefully. We got to hold him and spend some special time with him in the end. Thank you for all the prayers and support throughout these past four months. It was a hard decision but Andrew's care was doing more harm than good. The doctors and nurses and Children's did an amazing job in trying to help Andrew get better but the infections took the best of him. If by miracle his body could recover from the sepsis, his brain had suffered such a tremendous injury he would not have had any decent quality of life. No parent should have to make that decision but we could not bear to see him suffer any more.
"We are so grateful to have had the 10 days we did with him at home and will never forget the footprint he has left on our lives and hearts. He was a very special little boy and we will miss him very very much. He has touched so many people in such little time. Again thank you for all the support and prayers and a special thanks to all the doctors and nurses at Children's and the Brigham. We will update with the funeral services once we have those in place."
Blessings
I received this email from the Impossibly Tall Rowing Woman, Jeanne - Andrew's loving aunt:
Thank you all for all your prayers during Andrew's struggle. He passed away today after big downturn in his condition yesterday. We were able to visit him last night to say goodbye. After seeing how much his condition had worsened, I prayed that God take him to heaven rather than see him suffer like that anymore. I know God is welcoming him into His arms.
Please pray for Mari, Eric, and Will [3 yr old big brother] as they grieve. I can't imagine how hard this is for them. Here is what Mari & Eric posted on his support site:
"Andrew Thomas Haddock passed away today in his loving mothers arms at 2 P.M. in the Children's NICU. He was 4 1/2 months old. Andrew went very quickly and peacefully. We got to hold him and spend some special time with him in the end. Thank you for all the prayers and support throughout these past four months. It was a hard decision but Andrew's care was doing more harm than good. The doctors and nurses and Children's did an amazing job in trying to help Andrew get better but the infections took the best of him. If by miracle his body could recover from the sepsis, his brain had suffered such a tremendous injury he would not have had any decent quality of life. No parent should have to make that decision but we could not bear to see him suffer any more.
"We are so grateful to have had the 10 days we did with him at home and will never forget the footprint he has left on our lives and hearts. He was a very special little boy and we will miss him very very much. He has touched so many people in such little time. Again thank you for all the support and prayers and a special thanks to all the doctors and nurses at Children's and the Brigham. We will update with the funeral services once we have those in place."
Blessings
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
...And Have I Mentioned That My Mom Rocks?
My mom rocks. Have I mentioned that before? If not, please feel free to slap me for that oversight when next you see me. But warn me first. I tend to get rather vexed when seemingly attacked for no reason.
Anyhoo...today is day two of my annoying, albeit benign, head cold. I'm much more functional than yesterday. And I didn't have to blow my nose every 3 minutes like yesterday (maybe every 30 minutes). I actually only took decongestants once during the day (as opposed to the 5 times yesterday that didn't do diddly). I didn't feel like I had a pair of wet socks crammed into my sinuses (maybe just one tiny toddler sock). But I was still a whiny mouth-breather with chapped lips and an even chapped-er nose.
So when dinner time arose, I was sorely tempted to just drive to some greasy fast-food place. But the giant zit on my right cheek spoke to me and said, "Unless you want my twin on the other side, you might want to reconsider your plan." Wise giant zit.
Grumbling inwardly at the unfair weight of fixing dinner while sick (and of course doing the whole "oh pity me, I'm a single mom now" thing in the back of my head), I begrudgingly fixed my children something that would make Beck shudder and probably call DSS. I made them ramen noodles and broccoli. I know. Pretty awful. But I like it and figured noodles and kids - you can't miss!
Wow, this is totally not at all about my wonderful mom. Anyway - long story way too long - I'm sitting there sipping at my noodles, thinking about all the amazing food I have at my finger tips and how THIS was what I chose...and the doorbell rings. It's MOM. And she has brought me a little care packages of sorts. Or care grocery bags, would be more precise. She handed them to me at the end of a 16 foot pole. Well, not really but I'm sure she wouldn't have argued, had someone offered said pole. Both boys gave her tons of hugs (had to try to out-do each other). And then she was gone.
Mom dropped off a HUGE bag of fat, sweet, succulent pecans (and that's pronounced "puh-CAHNS". Don't ever call them "PEE-cans" around me. I will berate you thoroughly), a container of huge muffins and a big huge bag of green seedless grapes. I've already eaten a huge fistful of those pecans. I'm sitting here pondering a muffin, too.
But isn't that just the sweetest thing? She wanted to make me dinner yesterday but I dragged my butt to the Burger King drive through with the boys (yes, I get the mother of the year award for my nutritional stint these last few months). She called today to ask if there was anything she could bring me. Having just stocked my pantry with about 42 cans of various soups, nope, I was good.
So her surprise tonight of 3 of my favorite snack things, that just rocked. And I wouldn't even have known to pick those 3 things. But looking at them, I thought, this is PERFECT.
My mom rocks.
Anyhoo...today is day two of my annoying, albeit benign, head cold. I'm much more functional than yesterday. And I didn't have to blow my nose every 3 minutes like yesterday (maybe every 30 minutes). I actually only took decongestants once during the day (as opposed to the 5 times yesterday that didn't do diddly). I didn't feel like I had a pair of wet socks crammed into my sinuses (maybe just one tiny toddler sock). But I was still a whiny mouth-breather with chapped lips and an even chapped-er nose.
So when dinner time arose, I was sorely tempted to just drive to some greasy fast-food place. But the giant zit on my right cheek spoke to me and said, "Unless you want my twin on the other side, you might want to reconsider your plan." Wise giant zit.
Grumbling inwardly at the unfair weight of fixing dinner while sick (and of course doing the whole "oh pity me, I'm a single mom now" thing in the back of my head), I begrudgingly fixed my children something that would make Beck shudder and probably call DSS. I made them ramen noodles and broccoli. I know. Pretty awful. But I like it and figured noodles and kids - you can't miss!
Wow, this is totally not at all about my wonderful mom. Anyway - long story way too long - I'm sitting there sipping at my noodles, thinking about all the amazing food I have at my finger tips and how THIS was what I chose...and the doorbell rings. It's MOM. And she has brought me a little care packages of sorts. Or care grocery bags, would be more precise. She handed them to me at the end of a 16 foot pole. Well, not really but I'm sure she wouldn't have argued, had someone offered said pole. Both boys gave her tons of hugs (had to try to out-do each other). And then she was gone.
Mom dropped off a HUGE bag of fat, sweet, succulent pecans (and that's pronounced "puh-CAHNS". Don't ever call them "PEE-cans" around me. I will berate you thoroughly), a container of huge muffins and a big huge bag of green seedless grapes. I've already eaten a huge fistful of those pecans. I'm sitting here pondering a muffin, too.
But isn't that just the sweetest thing? She wanted to make me dinner yesterday but I dragged my butt to the Burger King drive through with the boys (yes, I get the mother of the year award for my nutritional stint these last few months). She called today to ask if there was anything she could bring me. Having just stocked my pantry with about 42 cans of various soups, nope, I was good.
So her surprise tonight of 3 of my favorite snack things, that just rocked. And I wouldn't even have known to pick those 3 things. But looking at them, I thought, this is PERFECT.
My mom rocks.
Keep Praying for Andrew
I received emails from both of the Impossibly Tall Rowing Couple from my Boston small group. Little Andrew - their nephew - is still in very serious shape. I don't think that even begins to describe his condition. So I'm asking two things: 1) pray for Andrew and his parents, Mari & Eric and 2) if you know anyone in the Boston area, please pass on the suggestion of donating platelets.
Here is the latest from Andrew's website:
September 18, 2007 at 10:47 PM EDT Andrew is almost at his limits as far as support goes at the hospital. We have not given up hope yet. He has been a strong fighter and has surprised us all in the past. He has surely pulled through some other difficult situations. Although his situation is quite critical, we cannot believe it is the end and will not give up hope. Some days he looks better than others but when one positive happens, then a one or two negatives follow. He cannot seem to release the extra fluid he is retaining and his urine output is not what it should be to help him with that. He still is fighting an infection somewhere but it cannot be pinpointed. He is on so many antibiotics that none of his cultures are coming back positive but all other signs lead to some infection somewhere in his little body.
We had a big meeting with all the members of his team which include surgery, neurology, neonatal, cardio, renal and infectious disease. They have not used all the tricks up their sleeves but are close. There still seems to be that single digit of hope, it is small but we will take it. They mentioned to us that he may possibly be the sickest baby at Children's and that Children's takes people from all over the world. He was a miracle four months ago and we hope he continues to be that miracle every day. So please still keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Thank you all for praying. It is the most important and powerful thing we can offer.
Again, here is the info for donating platelets:
If you would like to donate platelets to Children's Hospital in Boston, you need to call to make an appointment at 617.355.6677.
Here is the latest from Andrew's website:
September 18, 2007 at 10:47 PM EDT Andrew is almost at his limits as far as support goes at the hospital. We have not given up hope yet. He has been a strong fighter and has surprised us all in the past. He has surely pulled through some other difficult situations. Although his situation is quite critical, we cannot believe it is the end and will not give up hope. Some days he looks better than others but when one positive happens, then a one or two negatives follow. He cannot seem to release the extra fluid he is retaining and his urine output is not what it should be to help him with that. He still is fighting an infection somewhere but it cannot be pinpointed. He is on so many antibiotics that none of his cultures are coming back positive but all other signs lead to some infection somewhere in his little body.
We had a big meeting with all the members of his team which include surgery, neurology, neonatal, cardio, renal and infectious disease. They have not used all the tricks up their sleeves but are close. There still seems to be that single digit of hope, it is small but we will take it. They mentioned to us that he may possibly be the sickest baby at Children's and that Children's takes people from all over the world. He was a miracle four months ago and we hope he continues to be that miracle every day. So please still keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Thank you all for praying. It is the most important and powerful thing we can offer.
Again, here is the info for donating platelets:
If you would like to donate platelets to Children's Hospital in Boston, you need to call to make an appointment at 617.355.6677.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Ah Kin Feel It A'Comin'!
Oh drat. I'm getting a head cold. Good gravy on toast, that annoys me. I feel like I've been rather healthy after along string of stress-induced illness. So I'm just annoyed at the totally raw feeling I have in my sinuses & back of my throat. Oh well. That's what I get for being the mother of two adorable boys that are sent off to their daily Petri dishes.
(Editorial: I realize the silliness of the "rather healthy" comment above as I reviewed recent posts about intestinal viruses. HA!)
I'm not really complaining. Just a wee bit annoyed. In the grand scheme of things, I'll take a head cold. So I'll go dose up with my decongestants that praise God for my cold. I've been reading way too many blogs and emails that have put things in a bit of perspective.
I will go pray health over Darlene, Sarakastic & Jane. I will go praise God with Angela. I will pray for little Andrew and his family. There are so many more. But a big part of my prayer time is spent (and I had to just change that from "spenting"...I'm getting tired!) just saying, "Thank you God..." while I just kind of picture people in my head that I'm thankful for. It's easier on my brain, for some reason, that actually going, "...for aunt so-and-so and uncle this-n-that..." and naming my legion of siblings and their kids, etc. But the funny thing is...when I thank God for my regular blogger chick pals? I tend to picture your profile picture or one of my favorite posts. So those of you with silly or non-facial or non-real-person profile picks usually get me to smile as I mentally thumb past your picture. (That would be you, Beck, Sarakastic, JenKneeBee, and UkranianDiva!) And if that doesn't get me giggling, the fact that I think of most of you by your blog nicknames and not your real names usually gets me. Thank goodness God has a sense of humor.
This post is all over the place. Rather like my brain at the moment. Time to go hit the meds and then my bed.
Snort.
(Editorial: I realize the silliness of the "rather healthy" comment above as I reviewed recent posts about intestinal viruses. HA!)
I'm not really complaining. Just a wee bit annoyed. In the grand scheme of things, I'll take a head cold. So I'll go dose up with my decongestants that praise God for my cold. I've been reading way too many blogs and emails that have put things in a bit of perspective.
I will go pray health over Darlene, Sarakastic & Jane. I will go praise God with Angela. I will pray for little Andrew and his family. There are so many more. But a big part of my prayer time is spent (and I had to just change that from "spenting"...I'm getting tired!) just saying, "Thank you God..." while I just kind of picture people in my head that I'm thankful for. It's easier on my brain, for some reason, that actually going, "...for aunt so-and-so and uncle this-n-that..." and naming my legion of siblings and their kids, etc. But the funny thing is...when I thank God for my regular blogger chick pals? I tend to picture your profile picture or one of my favorite posts. So those of you with silly or non-facial or non-real-person profile picks usually get me to smile as I mentally thumb past your picture. (That would be you, Beck, Sarakastic, JenKneeBee, and UkranianDiva!) And if that doesn't get me giggling, the fact that I think of most of you by your blog nicknames and not your real names usually gets me. Thank goodness God has a sense of humor.
This post is all over the place. Rather like my brain at the moment. Time to go hit the meds and then my bed.
Snort.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Stoopid evil! (with a small E)
There are more things in life that you can count on aside from death and taxes. One is that, when you feel like you might be making progress in life (specifically moving toward God), the stupid so-called "prince" of darkness comes along and tries to whack you right back to square one. And being the imperfect human being I am, I usually give an initial reaction of sheer freak-out panic and oh-what-will-I-do-ness type stuff. (I'm good with the grammarification, no?)
Yesterday was such a day. The stoopid evil came along and tried to derail me. And it did for a while. Quite a few hours, actually. I spent way too much time crying, screaming, ranting, raging, panicking, wondering how I'd deal, wondering what will happen. Generally thinking oh woe is ME!
Now the one thing you can count on even more consistently than either death or taxes (because I have a book that shows he has power over BOTH of those) is that the God I follow? He's WAY stronger than the great dork of darkness. Even if this road block really does block the road I'm currently on (and it will try), why am I worried? God will give me a way over it, around it, under it, (insert your favorite preposition here) it. Or he'll just poof me another road completely. To quote the lovely Julie Andrews as Maria VonTrapp, "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." And I like to say it with her crisp little English accent, too. Makes it oh so much more fun!
Let this world try its best. God will get me through it and some day I'll be remembering this like, "Why was I so freaked out? Look how great things worked out!!"
Until then, I will keep pestering God. And I will forgive myself my human imperfections (because I pretty much took them all out and gave them plenty of exercise yesterday). And I will take a bunch of ibuprofen.
Yesterday was such a day. The stoopid evil came along and tried to derail me. And it did for a while. Quite a few hours, actually. I spent way too much time crying, screaming, ranting, raging, panicking, wondering how I'd deal, wondering what will happen. Generally thinking oh woe is ME!
Now the one thing you can count on even more consistently than either death or taxes (because I have a book that shows he has power over BOTH of those) is that the God I follow? He's WAY stronger than the great dork of darkness. Even if this road block really does block the road I'm currently on (and it will try), why am I worried? God will give me a way over it, around it, under it, (insert your favorite preposition here) it. Or he'll just poof me another road completely. To quote the lovely Julie Andrews as Maria VonTrapp, "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." And I like to say it with her crisp little English accent, too. Makes it oh so much more fun!
Let this world try its best. God will get me through it and some day I'll be remembering this like, "Why was I so freaked out? Look how great things worked out!!"
Until then, I will keep pestering God. And I will forgive myself my human imperfections (because I pretty much took them all out and gave them plenty of exercise yesterday). And I will take a bunch of ibuprofen.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Functionalitificationator...whatever...
Yesterday was 9/11. It's a day I try to never let pass without really remembering. I didn't watch any of the retelling, recounting, documentaries. I have done so a few times over the years. But the real images that I saw in real time between frantic phone calls with my sister in NYC on the actual day? Those will stay burned in my head way beyond the rehashed well-edited stuff they keep churning out.
The whole story - all three planes - it never ceases to just blow my mind.
One item I received in my email inbox at the end of the day yesterday: the final draft of my divorce decree. I looked at that email, looked at the 9/11 date and thought, "I'm declaring jihad on my marriage!" and laughed. My boss thought it was funny, too. I have a sick and stupid sense of humor. The other irony is that this is the 2nd "final" draft of the divorce decree. So is this the final-er draft? And the next one I get - will it be the final-est draft? Or will it just be like, "Final draft #12 in a series"....collect all 66! Trade with your friends!
I was very busy today. Work was work. Busy work. I'm rejoining the fully functional working adults that have been carrying my sorry butt for months now. Each day, I become more like the old employee I was. And that's a good thing. A few years back, when I was newly a mother of two, my immediate corporate America told all of us IT dorks that we'd need to buckle down, suck it up, put our noses to the grindstone and squeeze out just a tiny bit more blood from our proverbial stone. Since the Y2K projects that started in 1997, there aren't many IT people that haven't been working ridiculous schedules almost every year. So to come to people who feel like they're already working 24/7, not taking vacations, not watching their babies grow up and ask, hey can you guys start giving just a little more? Oh...and for the same pay? Yah, that went over big. I remember going to my boss' office and crying as I told her she might want to move me onto a less critical project as I could only give 100% and not the 120% they were asking. Kind of, hey, demote me to the piddly systems that won't exist much longer so I can try to remember what my kids look like. I remember the look of sheer disbelief on her face. I figured she was disappointed that I wasn't going to just give up leaving the work building altogether. But she was shocked I was worried about my ability to deliver. She said to me, "I get more out of you in 8 hours than some people give in a week." I was floored. And it felt damned good. From that moment on, I knew I was valued and I knew I kicked butt at work. And I realized many of my coworkers recognized it, too. That's an amazingly freeing feeling - to know you are valued.
Well, when my personal world shattered back around the new year, I went from that amazing 100% awesome worker to that 80% awesome worker. It just kept going downhill until late April. When future ex walked out the door, I became non-functioning, giant-pile-of-goo-on-the-floor, worker. Confused, discombobulated, zombie worker. I felt like I was in a constant state of Homer-Simpson - blank stare and drooling. It was a terrifying place for me. I was literally unable to fully contribute. I could plod along on the easier points of my job. But most points of my job are anything but easy. It's all brain work. It's all date driven and needed last week. It's all thinking on the fly, design a plan with which you can build the Taj Mahal after being given two toothpicks, a rubber band and $5. And we do it. Every year my team pulls miracles out of the depths of nothing. I'm part of a team of cream-of-the-crop insane people. You'd never know the cream-of-the-crop part to see us as a group. We're the doofiest looking bunch of miscreants. And you'd never know it by looking at the IMs or emails we exchange to alleviate the boredom of red-tape-laden conference calls. But they're all the bomb. And I hated feeling like I was letting them down. Dead weight. I can't stand dead weight.
But these beautiful people that can drive me out of my mind...this collection of weirdos that make me frequently consider a job as a dog-walker - they all rallied to me. I didn't even know it. I'm pretty sure my boss just went all Patton on them and gave them some inspirational direction on my behalf. Because suddenly, my emails were being answered by one coworker. Production problems were being researched and resolved for me. People were showing up on conference calls as "backup" and pretty much bailing me out. Smoke and mirrors, my friends. Smoke and mirrors. The new projects I was working on as the main point of contact for my team? Many people were shocked to find out I had been going through this. Because my team of freaks had covered my butt so completely, so seamlessly. They made me look good.
In the last few weeks, I have been much more my old self. Not quite 100% of where I used to be. But I feel like I'm actually carrying my weight - or most of it. And my team is back to having all of its parts. I've actually helped other people out by helping them when they were barely treading water. It felt good. Their image of me as frail is fading. I'm no longer that dainty fragile thing that might turn to dust if you say the wrong thing. I can't stand being treated like I'm that fragile. It's even worse when you really ARE that fragile.
So today, I felt like I gave a full 100% for the first time in a long time. And it felt SO good. It felt so good to crank out some critical stuff that was needed immediately. It felt good to mock up some screen prototypes for the web coders. It felt good to play liaison between the customers and my tech team. It felt good to bring the new guy up to speed on what we do. And it felt good to exchange silly IMs with my boss during mind-numbing calls.
I am humbled and awed by the people I work with. I mean, the absolute love & support they threw my way is nothing less than God sent. And I will try to keep that in mind on the next status call when we all sound like a bunch of lobotomized keystone cops.
The whole story - all three planes - it never ceases to just blow my mind.
One item I received in my email inbox at the end of the day yesterday: the final draft of my divorce decree. I looked at that email, looked at the 9/11 date and thought, "I'm declaring jihad on my marriage!" and laughed. My boss thought it was funny, too. I have a sick and stupid sense of humor. The other irony is that this is the 2nd "final" draft of the divorce decree. So is this the final-er draft? And the next one I get - will it be the final-est draft? Or will it just be like, "Final draft #12 in a series"....collect all 66! Trade with your friends!
I was very busy today. Work was work. Busy work. I'm rejoining the fully functional working adults that have been carrying my sorry butt for months now. Each day, I become more like the old employee I was. And that's a good thing. A few years back, when I was newly a mother of two, my immediate corporate America told all of us IT dorks that we'd need to buckle down, suck it up, put our noses to the grindstone and squeeze out just a tiny bit more blood from our proverbial stone. Since the Y2K projects that started in 1997, there aren't many IT people that haven't been working ridiculous schedules almost every year. So to come to people who feel like they're already working 24/7, not taking vacations, not watching their babies grow up and ask, hey can you guys start giving just a little more? Oh...and for the same pay? Yah, that went over big. I remember going to my boss' office and crying as I told her she might want to move me onto a less critical project as I could only give 100% and not the 120% they were asking. Kind of, hey, demote me to the piddly systems that won't exist much longer so I can try to remember what my kids look like. I remember the look of sheer disbelief on her face. I figured she was disappointed that I wasn't going to just give up leaving the work building altogether. But she was shocked I was worried about my ability to deliver. She said to me, "I get more out of you in 8 hours than some people give in a week." I was floored. And it felt damned good. From that moment on, I knew I was valued and I knew I kicked butt at work. And I realized many of my coworkers recognized it, too. That's an amazingly freeing feeling - to know you are valued.
Well, when my personal world shattered back around the new year, I went from that amazing 100% awesome worker to that 80% awesome worker. It just kept going downhill until late April. When future ex walked out the door, I became non-functioning, giant-pile-of-goo-on-the-floor, worker. Confused, discombobulated, zombie worker. I felt like I was in a constant state of Homer-Simpson - blank stare and drooling. It was a terrifying place for me. I was literally unable to fully contribute. I could plod along on the easier points of my job. But most points of my job are anything but easy. It's all brain work. It's all date driven and needed last week. It's all thinking on the fly, design a plan with which you can build the Taj Mahal after being given two toothpicks, a rubber band and $5. And we do it. Every year my team pulls miracles out of the depths of nothing. I'm part of a team of cream-of-the-crop insane people. You'd never know the cream-of-the-crop part to see us as a group. We're the doofiest looking bunch of miscreants. And you'd never know it by looking at the IMs or emails we exchange to alleviate the boredom of red-tape-laden conference calls. But they're all the bomb. And I hated feeling like I was letting them down. Dead weight. I can't stand dead weight.
But these beautiful people that can drive me out of my mind...this collection of weirdos that make me frequently consider a job as a dog-walker - they all rallied to me. I didn't even know it. I'm pretty sure my boss just went all Patton on them and gave them some inspirational direction on my behalf. Because suddenly, my emails were being answered by one coworker. Production problems were being researched and resolved for me. People were showing up on conference calls as "backup" and pretty much bailing me out. Smoke and mirrors, my friends. Smoke and mirrors. The new projects I was working on as the main point of contact for my team? Many people were shocked to find out I had been going through this. Because my team of freaks had covered my butt so completely, so seamlessly. They made me look good.
In the last few weeks, I have been much more my old self. Not quite 100% of where I used to be. But I feel like I'm actually carrying my weight - or most of it. And my team is back to having all of its parts. I've actually helped other people out by helping them when they were barely treading water. It felt good. Their image of me as frail is fading. I'm no longer that dainty fragile thing that might turn to dust if you say the wrong thing. I can't stand being treated like I'm that fragile. It's even worse when you really ARE that fragile.
So today, I felt like I gave a full 100% for the first time in a long time. And it felt SO good. It felt so good to crank out some critical stuff that was needed immediately. It felt good to mock up some screen prototypes for the web coders. It felt good to play liaison between the customers and my tech team. It felt good to bring the new guy up to speed on what we do. And it felt good to exchange silly IMs with my boss during mind-numbing calls.
I am humbled and awed by the people I work with. I mean, the absolute love & support they threw my way is nothing less than God sent. And I will try to keep that in mind on the next status call when we all sound like a bunch of lobotomized keystone cops.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Testify - You GO, God!
Goodness I'm so sick of this roller coaster of divorce. I'd like to get OFF, already! For the love of all things holy, people. I'm so DONE with feeling sad, jealous, angry, vengeful, lonely, hurt, betrayed, [insert your favorite negative emotion here]. GAH!
Earlier this week - I don't recall which day, exactly - The Boy finally started asking more pointed questions about why I can't love daddy like a husband any more. Guh. I specifically didn't plan for this because I didn't want to over think an answer and muck things up. I figured God would put the words in my mouth. And he did.
The Boy was asking why can't I love daddy like a husband. I repeated what I have told him before - daddy lied to me and hurt me very badly. It's very hard for me to get past that. Well, that may have worked before. But not this day. Well, what did he lie about? Um....er....I uh....well, daddy never really loved me like you're supposed to love your wife. But he told me he did for lots of years and I believed him. So when I found out he really hadn't loved me all that time, it just really hurt me and blah blah blah blah. By the blank look on his face and the mental sound of crickets I had in my head, I knew this meant nothing to The Boy. In his mind, he still had not heard anything that could warrant a mom & dad breaking up their whole family. And I could read it in his face - Mom, why can't you just LOVE DAD AGAIN?! I could tell that he was thinking, if mom can just find it in her heart to love dad again, we can all be a family again. I knew I had to give him the hard evidence. SO I said, look, I wasn't going to tell you this until you were older. But I think you need to know. Daddy fell in love with someone else. And when you're married, you're not supposed to fall in love with someone else. His eyes got rather large and he just said, "Who?" Ugh. I didn't want to name her to him. I didn't want to give him this woman to romanticize. I mean, if daddy loves her, she must be pretty special, right? But I said, "Well her name is {she who will remain unnamed} and she lives in Boston. That's why daddy left to go to Boston for a while." He just sat there thinking. I didn't know what to do. I just prayed. So he finished his breakfast and we went about getting him ready for school. A while later I asked him if he was ok and did he have any questions or concerns. He just said, "Well not really. But now I finally understand better." He said it with such conviction, I totally believe him.
So he knows the truth. He knows I'm not asking him to hate daddy. And he has something concrete that he can think, "OK...THAT'S why mommy is so hurt. THAT'S why she can't love daddy any more."
It put future ex and his girl thing in my head a bit more than I wanted but I was ok.
On Friday, I spoke to future ex to discuss custody weekends and some legal stuff. We've been keeping a very healthy distance since he finally got a job. As I started explaining which weekends would be his, etc., he asked to switch one in October. Like an idiot (mostly from 16 yrs of habit), I just asked, how come. His tense answer of "I just have plans," made me realize he just has plans with the girl thing - ie: she will be coming to visit him here. There are so many levels on which this bothers me. Not the least of which being that their continued relationship represents such pain and evil to me. In my head, I keep expecting God's reap-what-you-sow to manifest in their relationship crashing and burning on such a large scale that you'd all see the flames from your windows. It is times like this I have to remind myself that A) I am not God [and you should all join me in thanking the real God on this point!] and B) I don't know what he has planned. I think that point B is always the hardest for us humans. Like, if he could just show me what he has planned for me - I don't need it right now. Just let me know what I'm heading toward...that would be enough. But God knows best and just says, "Um...yah, I'm God. So you need to kind of trust me, ok?" And so I'll wait to see what's in the big present under the tree.
But I'm losing track of my line of thought here. Good thing I'm just blogging and not trying to write a book here. So after my chat on Friday, I was seething. I was angry. I was mad. I was hurt all over again. I was mostly mad because the jealousy can still grip me. The man treated me like DIRT. No, worse than dirt! Why do I even WANT to be JEALOUS of such a bucket head? Honestly! But there it is. That green monster gripping your heart in such an all encompassing way, you just think you'll never be rid of it and how can you ever possibly survive this kind of pain? There are times when you just think it will NEVER end. You'll just feel like this forever and I can't live feeling like this forever.
So back I went to God. Throwing myself on him. Seriously, I'm so thankful that God is not like us humans because I'm sure that, by now, any other human would be screening my calls - running the other way - remembering that roast in the oven. I kept asking God to please take it all away. Make me stop loving him. Make me stop caring. Take the feelings of vengeance away. Take the anger. Take the sadness. Take the loneliness. Take it ALL. Just move me on - get me past it. Let's GO already - on to me being fine with being alone. Let's get to that I'm-so-incredibly-strong-on-my-own part of the story. Let's move me to that so we can get a little closer to the Prince Charming part of my story that I know will come. I feel like God has told me that is coming. But not yet.
It wasn't helping. The bad feelings weren't being poofed away. I wasn't instantly happy. It didn't even pass in one day like things have been for me lately. It was sticking, this yicky feeling. And I didn't even notice. I was denying it all.
Today I went to church like normal. Packed the back of my car up with a ton of food for church and off we went. It felt like any other Sunday. I got there, started setting up the food service with one of my friends. And she asked, "Are you tired today? Or is something wrong?" I was like, huh? I'm fine. Later, someone else asked if I was ok. Was there anything they could do for me. What is WRONG with all of these people. I'm FINE, I tell yah! A third person mentioned I didn't seem quite myself and I swear I almost yelled, "I'M FINE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!" which of course would have totally convinced them of my mental stability. So when one of my closest friends in church looked at me as I tried to read the lesson for my toddler class and said, "Are you ok today?" I just teared up and said, "No. No I'm not," and proceeded to tell her of the impending visit to our area from the girl thing. She was changing her baby on the changing table and told me, "Oh I want to come over there and give you a hug but she'll just roll off the table!" Which was pretty funny to me but I couldn't muster the chortle. So I retreated to the ladies' room and quietly sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and hoped no one heard me. And I couldn't stop. The damn broke. And I'm thinking, oh great. I have to teach the toddler class in like 5 minutes!
As I stood there with my forehead pressed against the cold cement wall of the ladies' room, I remembered, oh yah! There's this God who totally loves me and wants me to bring all of my burdens to him. So without any of the flowery talk, I just cried on God as if he were in that stall with me (which he obviously was). I just said, "Oh God, I can't TAKE it any more. I'm so TIRED of being sad and lonely and mad. And I'm so sorry for all the stupid things I've been thinking about future ex and his girl thing. And I just need you to take it away. I'm trying so hard to give it to you but it's so HARD. I'm HUMAN. Why'd you make me HUMAN?! I give it all to you, God. In the name of Jesus, I give you my life, my children's lives, my marriage, my family. I give you future ex and his girl thing. And I accept whatever you have. Whatever your plan is. Just help me deal with whatever you have planned."
And then I heard someone come in and figured I better mop up my face, pull it together and go pretend I was functional. I talked some more to my wonderful friend who just stood there, loving me so completely and not caring that this was the 942nd MILLIONth time I had cried on her. Then I went and taught the toddlers. Those goofy bunch of miniature people. And when church was over, both of my boys ran up and gave me the most sincere hugs, verbally declared their love for me and how wonderful I was, and ran off to play. Then, I went with my parents and kids to my sister's house. We stayed there all afternoon and celebrated the birthday of my Impossibly Tall Brother-In-Law. It was so much fun. What a wonderful day.
As I drove home (man, this short blog entry is turning into yet another War & Peace tome), my cell phone rang and I saw it was future ex calling. Now, a few hours earlier and my heart would have just twisted up. But it didn't. Although, I didn't notice that at the time. He was calling to ask if he could take the boys to dinner - which was perfect because I could use a little alone time. And when he showed up as I pulled in the driveway, my heart still didn't twist into that black hole of pain. And when I saw him, nothing. Didn't bother me. Usually, when I've been in one of my emotional pits, I am cold as ice to him. I give very unsubtle body language to make sure he understands the cobra hood is wide open and he should tread VERY lightly. I didn't do any of that. I was pleasant, polite and that was it. When he returned the boys, I was planting mums in the front yard and again, didn't care when I saw him. It was THEN that I realized - HOLY GUACAMOLE! God is doing it! God is poofing me! I honestly didn't care when I looked at him. Normally, I see him and my heart sinks. Or I want to rip the stupid glasses (that the girl thing picked for him) from his face and crush them under my heel. Or I want to shave his oh-so-precious "cool" sideburns right off. Or I want to think of the perfectly cutting acerbic thing to say that will just wither him to an insignificant lump of dried dung. None of which I ever do. But today, it was just, oh...here he is to pick up the boys. Or oh, there he is dropping off the kids. YAWN.
Once he left, I walked around just going, "Wow God!! I can't believe this! I didn't feel a THING! You are AMAZING! You totally ROCK! I love you so much! You are totally the BOMB, God!"
When I told my mom this story a little while ago on the phone, it was she that kind of recounted the timeline of the day. She's the one that showed me, look what a mess you were around 10am. And look at what a happy perfect rest of church he gave you. And the fun day at my sister's house. And then the total no-pain experience when I saw him!! I mean, I was just devastated in the ladies' room at church. And here I was just la-dee-da-dee-dum.
I love that I can just dump on God. I can talk all unpretty to him, bawling, snot running down my face, ugly cry-face and all. And he took it. And he honored it. And he poofed me into a gorgeous wonderful day. And he poofed protection around my heart. And he is showing me over and over, "This guy is NOT who I have for you. I have something much better for you." Not some ONE. Some THING. What ever it is, I know it is SO much better than what I've already tasted. And I know he'll honor my boys in this plan. I know he'll bring them through this to be strong honorable young men who know the value of commitment and understand that wives and marriages are not disposable.
God rocks. Completely.
You GO, God!
Earlier this week - I don't recall which day, exactly - The Boy finally started asking more pointed questions about why I can't love daddy like a husband any more. Guh. I specifically didn't plan for this because I didn't want to over think an answer and muck things up. I figured God would put the words in my mouth. And he did.
The Boy was asking why can't I love daddy like a husband. I repeated what I have told him before - daddy lied to me and hurt me very badly. It's very hard for me to get past that. Well, that may have worked before. But not this day. Well, what did he lie about? Um....er....I uh....well, daddy never really loved me like you're supposed to love your wife. But he told me he did for lots of years and I believed him. So when I found out he really hadn't loved me all that time, it just really hurt me and blah blah blah blah. By the blank look on his face and the mental sound of crickets I had in my head, I knew this meant nothing to The Boy. In his mind, he still had not heard anything that could warrant a mom & dad breaking up their whole family. And I could read it in his face - Mom, why can't you just LOVE DAD AGAIN?! I could tell that he was thinking, if mom can just find it in her heart to love dad again, we can all be a family again. I knew I had to give him the hard evidence. SO I said, look, I wasn't going to tell you this until you were older. But I think you need to know. Daddy fell in love with someone else. And when you're married, you're not supposed to fall in love with someone else. His eyes got rather large and he just said, "Who?" Ugh. I didn't want to name her to him. I didn't want to give him this woman to romanticize. I mean, if daddy loves her, she must be pretty special, right? But I said, "Well her name is {she who will remain unnamed} and she lives in Boston. That's why daddy left to go to Boston for a while." He just sat there thinking. I didn't know what to do. I just prayed. So he finished his breakfast and we went about getting him ready for school. A while later I asked him if he was ok and did he have any questions or concerns. He just said, "Well not really. But now I finally understand better." He said it with such conviction, I totally believe him.
So he knows the truth. He knows I'm not asking him to hate daddy. And he has something concrete that he can think, "OK...THAT'S why mommy is so hurt. THAT'S why she can't love daddy any more."
It put future ex and his girl thing in my head a bit more than I wanted but I was ok.
On Friday, I spoke to future ex to discuss custody weekends and some legal stuff. We've been keeping a very healthy distance since he finally got a job. As I started explaining which weekends would be his, etc., he asked to switch one in October. Like an idiot (mostly from 16 yrs of habit), I just asked, how come. His tense answer of "I just have plans," made me realize he just has plans with the girl thing - ie: she will be coming to visit him here. There are so many levels on which this bothers me. Not the least of which being that their continued relationship represents such pain and evil to me. In my head, I keep expecting God's reap-what-you-sow to manifest in their relationship crashing and burning on such a large scale that you'd all see the flames from your windows. It is times like this I have to remind myself that A) I am not God [and you should all join me in thanking the real God on this point!] and B) I don't know what he has planned. I think that point B is always the hardest for us humans. Like, if he could just show me what he has planned for me - I don't need it right now. Just let me know what I'm heading toward...that would be enough. But God knows best and just says, "Um...yah, I'm God. So you need to kind of trust me, ok?" And so I'll wait to see what's in the big present under the tree.
But I'm losing track of my line of thought here. Good thing I'm just blogging and not trying to write a book here. So after my chat on Friday, I was seething. I was angry. I was mad. I was hurt all over again. I was mostly mad because the jealousy can still grip me. The man treated me like DIRT. No, worse than dirt! Why do I even WANT to be JEALOUS of such a bucket head? Honestly! But there it is. That green monster gripping your heart in such an all encompassing way, you just think you'll never be rid of it and how can you ever possibly survive this kind of pain? There are times when you just think it will NEVER end. You'll just feel like this forever and I can't live feeling like this forever.
So back I went to God. Throwing myself on him. Seriously, I'm so thankful that God is not like us humans because I'm sure that, by now, any other human would be screening my calls - running the other way - remembering that roast in the oven. I kept asking God to please take it all away. Make me stop loving him. Make me stop caring. Take the feelings of vengeance away. Take the anger. Take the sadness. Take the loneliness. Take it ALL. Just move me on - get me past it. Let's GO already - on to me being fine with being alone. Let's get to that I'm-so-incredibly-strong-on-my-own part of the story. Let's move me to that so we can get a little closer to the Prince Charming part of my story that I know will come. I feel like God has told me that is coming. But not yet.
It wasn't helping. The bad feelings weren't being poofed away. I wasn't instantly happy. It didn't even pass in one day like things have been for me lately. It was sticking, this yicky feeling. And I didn't even notice. I was denying it all.
Today I went to church like normal. Packed the back of my car up with a ton of food for church and off we went. It felt like any other Sunday. I got there, started setting up the food service with one of my friends. And she asked, "Are you tired today? Or is something wrong?" I was like, huh? I'm fine. Later, someone else asked if I was ok. Was there anything they could do for me. What is WRONG with all of these people. I'm FINE, I tell yah! A third person mentioned I didn't seem quite myself and I swear I almost yelled, "I'M FINE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!" which of course would have totally convinced them of my mental stability. So when one of my closest friends in church looked at me as I tried to read the lesson for my toddler class and said, "Are you ok today?" I just teared up and said, "No. No I'm not," and proceeded to tell her of the impending visit to our area from the girl thing. She was changing her baby on the changing table and told me, "Oh I want to come over there and give you a hug but she'll just roll off the table!" Which was pretty funny to me but I couldn't muster the chortle. So I retreated to the ladies' room and quietly sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and hoped no one heard me. And I couldn't stop. The damn broke. And I'm thinking, oh great. I have to teach the toddler class in like 5 minutes!
As I stood there with my forehead pressed against the cold cement wall of the ladies' room, I remembered, oh yah! There's this God who totally loves me and wants me to bring all of my burdens to him. So without any of the flowery talk, I just cried on God as if he were in that stall with me (which he obviously was). I just said, "Oh God, I can't TAKE it any more. I'm so TIRED of being sad and lonely and mad. And I'm so sorry for all the stupid things I've been thinking about future ex and his girl thing. And I just need you to take it away. I'm trying so hard to give it to you but it's so HARD. I'm HUMAN. Why'd you make me HUMAN?! I give it all to you, God. In the name of Jesus, I give you my life, my children's lives, my marriage, my family. I give you future ex and his girl thing. And I accept whatever you have. Whatever your plan is. Just help me deal with whatever you have planned."
And then I heard someone come in and figured I better mop up my face, pull it together and go pretend I was functional. I talked some more to my wonderful friend who just stood there, loving me so completely and not caring that this was the 942nd MILLIONth time I had cried on her. Then I went and taught the toddlers. Those goofy bunch of miniature people. And when church was over, both of my boys ran up and gave me the most sincere hugs, verbally declared their love for me and how wonderful I was, and ran off to play. Then, I went with my parents and kids to my sister's house. We stayed there all afternoon and celebrated the birthday of my Impossibly Tall Brother-In-Law. It was so much fun. What a wonderful day.
As I drove home (man, this short blog entry is turning into yet another War & Peace tome), my cell phone rang and I saw it was future ex calling. Now, a few hours earlier and my heart would have just twisted up. But it didn't. Although, I didn't notice that at the time. He was calling to ask if he could take the boys to dinner - which was perfect because I could use a little alone time. And when he showed up as I pulled in the driveway, my heart still didn't twist into that black hole of pain. And when I saw him, nothing. Didn't bother me. Usually, when I've been in one of my emotional pits, I am cold as ice to him. I give very unsubtle body language to make sure he understands the cobra hood is wide open and he should tread VERY lightly. I didn't do any of that. I was pleasant, polite and that was it. When he returned the boys, I was planting mums in the front yard and again, didn't care when I saw him. It was THEN that I realized - HOLY GUACAMOLE! God is doing it! God is poofing me! I honestly didn't care when I looked at him. Normally, I see him and my heart sinks. Or I want to rip the stupid glasses (that the girl thing picked for him) from his face and crush them under my heel. Or I want to shave his oh-so-precious "cool" sideburns right off. Or I want to think of the perfectly cutting acerbic thing to say that will just wither him to an insignificant lump of dried dung. None of which I ever do. But today, it was just, oh...here he is to pick up the boys. Or oh, there he is dropping off the kids. YAWN.
Once he left, I walked around just going, "Wow God!! I can't believe this! I didn't feel a THING! You are AMAZING! You totally ROCK! I love you so much! You are totally the BOMB, God!"
When I told my mom this story a little while ago on the phone, it was she that kind of recounted the timeline of the day. She's the one that showed me, look what a mess you were around 10am. And look at what a happy perfect rest of church he gave you. And the fun day at my sister's house. And then the total no-pain experience when I saw him!! I mean, I was just devastated in the ladies' room at church. And here I was just la-dee-da-dee-dum.
I love that I can just dump on God. I can talk all unpretty to him, bawling, snot running down my face, ugly cry-face and all. And he took it. And he honored it. And he poofed me into a gorgeous wonderful day. And he poofed protection around my heart. And he is showing me over and over, "This guy is NOT who I have for you. I have something much better for you." Not some ONE. Some THING. What ever it is, I know it is SO much better than what I've already tasted. And I know he'll honor my boys in this plan. I know he'll bring them through this to be strong honorable young men who know the value of commitment and understand that wives and marriages are not disposable.
God rocks. Completely.
You GO, God!
Friday, September 07, 2007
Prayers for Andrew Please
I haven't looked back in my blog to be sure. But I think I posted about Andrew back in May. This tiny little boy needs your prayers.
Andrew was born around May 5th - I think he was a 25 week preemie. Andrew is the nephew to the Impossibly Tall Rowing Couple from my small group back in Boston. They are dearly loved by Trish and me and hosts of others. They are fantastic people and I would do almost anything for them.
I am praying big and believing in God's promise of good things. I am asking you all to stand in the gap for Andrew's family who must be having such an enormous struggle to keep it together. They are so swamped with the day to day of their vigil, I'm asking that you pray in their stead.
If you are anywhere near the Boston area, they need people to donate platelets. Even if you're not, you might want to consider donating in your area as it's such a simple thing to give and so critical too someone at some time!
Apparently there is a shortage in Boston and Andrew needs platelets the most. It is a long process and takes about 2 hours but would be most appreciated. You would need to call to make an appointment at 617.355.6677. They cannot be direct donated to Andrew but will be prioritized and unfortunately (or fortunately) Andrew is on top of that list.
Here is an excerpt from Andrew's website:
"They were able to isolate three forms of bacteria today: staff, ecoli and a blood infection that I cannot recall the name of. He is slowly making progress (very slowly) but is still extremely critical. He is having some underlying seizures and they are still trying to figure out what is causing them. He is slowly making urine, which is critical to fighting the bacteria and excreting the excess fluid they are pushing in. He also is beginning to blister from all the excess fluid. It seems as if some of the things they need to do is causing damage elsewhere but they need to prioritize his care and deal with some of the after effects at a later date. They have approached us about certain steps to think about such as dialysis if his kidneys start to fail and a lung bypass machine if his respiratory starts to fail. Both of these options would need some serious thought plus we are not even sure if he can survive the initial procedures. It is going to be a very long road back to a healthy recovery.
Before Andrew came home he had an MRI for a research study which will actually come in handy for the neurologists in examining the before and after effects of his illness. The good news, his brain looks normal after all he had been through being a 25 week preemie but we will now have to wait to see the results after this episode and the effects of the seizures.
Once again, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers the next 48 hours will tell us a lot and we will keep you updated."
Thank you for the prayers I know you're already sending up as you read this.
Andrew was born around May 5th - I think he was a 25 week preemie. Andrew is the nephew to the Impossibly Tall Rowing Couple from my small group back in Boston. They are dearly loved by Trish and me and hosts of others. They are fantastic people and I would do almost anything for them.I am praying big and believing in God's promise of good things. I am asking you all to stand in the gap for Andrew's family who must be having such an enormous struggle to keep it together. They are so swamped with the day to day of their vigil, I'm asking that you pray in their stead.
If you are anywhere near the Boston area, they need people to donate platelets. Even if you're not, you might want to consider donating in your area as it's such a simple thing to give and so critical too someone at some time!
Apparently there is a shortage in Boston and Andrew needs platelets the most. It is a long process and takes about 2 hours but would be most appreciated. You would need to call to make an appointment at 617.355.6677. They cannot be direct donated to Andrew but will be prioritized and unfortunately (or fortunately) Andrew is on top of that list.
Here is an excerpt from Andrew's website:
"They were able to isolate three forms of bacteria today: staff, ecoli and a blood infection that I cannot recall the name of. He is slowly making progress (very slowly) but is still extremely critical. He is having some underlying seizures and they are still trying to figure out what is causing them. He is slowly making urine, which is critical to fighting the bacteria and excreting the excess fluid they are pushing in. He also is beginning to blister from all the excess fluid. It seems as if some of the things they need to do is causing damage elsewhere but they need to prioritize his care and deal with some of the after effects at a later date. They have approached us about certain steps to think about such as dialysis if his kidneys start to fail and a lung bypass machine if his respiratory starts to fail. Both of these options would need some serious thought plus we are not even sure if he can survive the initial procedures. It is going to be a very long road back to a healthy recovery.
Before Andrew came home he had an MRI for a research study which will actually come in handy for the neurologists in examining the before and after effects of his illness. The good news, his brain looks normal after all he had been through being a 25 week preemie but we will now have to wait to see the results after this episode and the effects of the seizures.
Once again, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers the next 48 hours will tell us a lot and we will keep you updated."
Thank you for the prayers I know you're already sending up as you read this.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Trish's Video
Now, I'm going to give you guys a link to watch a video of Trish. I know she'd never put this on her blog. But I love and adore her and think her testimony is so great so I'll totally exploit her here. This testimony is similar to the one she gave in front of the church way back in 2005 while a cynical snot-nosed brat (ie - me) sat there rolling her eyes and thinking she would never have anything to say to this crazed woman that was speaking. Thankfully, I was woefully wrong.
Go to this link and you'll see Trish's picture as the first one. Click on Trish and you can watch and listen and marvel at her beauty (or maybe that's just me).
http://www.bostonvineyard.org/impossiblygreat/
Enjoy!
Go to this link and you'll see Trish's picture as the first one. Click on Trish and you can watch and listen and marvel at her beauty (or maybe that's just me).
http://www.bostonvineyard.org/impossiblygreat/
Enjoy!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Big Giant Gloopy Gobs of Love
Thanks for the well wishes. I'm much better. Still feeling a bit delicate (not a word frequently used to describe any part of me). So I'm being careful to avoid places like Sonic - where they deep fry like everything.
Today I am very oddly possessed by this overwhelming feeling of love. It is the strangest thing. I'm sitting here on this incredibly boring all-day conference call. And I feel this incredible urge to call or IM or email all of my friends to tell them how much I love them and how great they are. Lucky for me, I was able to IM Kristen and do that. I emailed Trish her big blob o' love yesterday. I just feel so insanely blessed with wonderful true friends. The kind that will be there for you no matter what, when, why, etc. I am so totally gooby with love that I would give everyone a giant group hug if you were all here.
I told Kristen that this feels so silly and weird. And she said that usually when you feel something so strongly, it's the Holy Spirit working. And it must have been. Because when I IM'd her a dose of big warm & fuzzy mushy stuff, it was exactly what she needed today. Isn't that funny? I just thought I was being all gloppy and dorky and it just totally hit home for her.
See, this is one of many reasons I love God.
And on Friday, when I was laying in bed wishing someone would buy me a new GI tract, I got a phone call from one of my closest friends in Boston. She was in horrible emotional pain. And I was only at home because I was sick. If I had been ok, I would have been at my parents' house. So my lovely little virus served a purpose. She told me, "I knew I'd call you and you'd make me feel better!"
God can use all things for good. Even nasty intestinal viruses. Take THAT evil!
I'm a dork.
Today I am very oddly possessed by this overwhelming feeling of love. It is the strangest thing. I'm sitting here on this incredibly boring all-day conference call. And I feel this incredible urge to call or IM or email all of my friends to tell them how much I love them and how great they are. Lucky for me, I was able to IM Kristen and do that. I emailed Trish her big blob o' love yesterday. I just feel so insanely blessed with wonderful true friends. The kind that will be there for you no matter what, when, why, etc. I am so totally gooby with love that I would give everyone a giant group hug if you were all here.
I told Kristen that this feels so silly and weird. And she said that usually when you feel something so strongly, it's the Holy Spirit working. And it must have been. Because when I IM'd her a dose of big warm & fuzzy mushy stuff, it was exactly what she needed today. Isn't that funny? I just thought I was being all gloppy and dorky and it just totally hit home for her.
See, this is one of many reasons I love God.
And on Friday, when I was laying in bed wishing someone would buy me a new GI tract, I got a phone call from one of my closest friends in Boston. She was in horrible emotional pain. And I was only at home because I was sick. If I had been ok, I would have been at my parents' house. So my lovely little virus served a purpose. She told me, "I knew I'd call you and you'd make me feel better!"
God can use all things for good. Even nasty intestinal viruses. Take THAT evil!
I'm a dork.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
No Missing Teeth
Quick update: The Boy still has the same number of teeth today that he had yesterday. So that's cool. His lip is still swollen a whole 24 hrs later. It's slightly bruised, too. That one tooth that took the brunt of the fall? It's loose. So he has two loose teeth - one naturally and one not-so-naturally. The gum where his missing front teeth are is totally bruised and dark purple. I'm hoping that his permanent tooth that is still up there didn't get damaged by this fall.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Face Plants, GodTube and Teachers
Today's Tourette's Tidbit - Oh it's been broughten!
When your kid is a genius, you have to measure everything that you casually toss out of your mouth. I don't know why I haven't learned this in the 7+ years I've been a mom. But the point was very calmly made by The Boy at dinner tonight.
I was at Luby's with my parents and kids tonight (kids eat free on Wednesdays - I am officially a dorky mom). A fun dinner out after a long day of unpacking (just chipping the tip of the unpacking iceberg...gack!). I was telling my mom about a long phone conversation I had earlier with The Boy's teacher. I was trying to tell my mom that I had mentioned to the teacher that The Boy had Tourette's. I was trying to tell my mom in a way that didn't insult The Boy since he believes that he doesn't have Tourette's any more. And I'm more than happy to let him believe that because, hey, it's hardly there. Why worry? I think I said something like, "...so I told her that The Boy used to have Tourette's," (insert knowing sly smile which mom understood). I went on to tell mom that the teacher had mentioned that she saw no signs of Tourette's and I was happy about that.
Well, I was all pleased and smug with how clever I had been in telling my mom in such an unoffensive way. Yah. Well, I keep forgetting that The Boy is not ordinary like me. He very calmly informed my mother and me that he would like us to not discuss Tourette's in front of him any more. Because, when we do, it makes him think about it and he feels like his tics want to start.
Doh! So I said, ok...good to know. It's a deal, ok? He was fine with that and went on eating his multi-colored Jello. I felt like a dork. But I also found that some very interesting bit of information. If I just stop mentioning it or pointing it out, would that help? I mean, if the tics are hardly noticeable, am I keeping the symptoms alive by talking about it? I've always wanted to just talk about it like it was no big deal so he would see that it's nothing to be ashamed of and it was just a normal thing to discuss, etc. Best of intentions. Well, we'll see. I will honor his request. And I will continue to ask God to control and eliminate the Tourette's. Here's to praying big!
Face Plants
So when we returned from Luby's, the boys were surprised to find a new kitchen table in our house. It's actually very old. I believe it predates me. And I'm old. But in the fun divorce game I like to call, "who gets what", future ex has gotten our nice (but small) kitchen set. So I got the kitchen table I grew up with. Man, that table has had LOTS of kids lovin' on it. I have colored my fingernails and who knows what else with markers on that table. I have dyed Easter eggs on that table. I have deep fried donuts on that table. I have blown out myriads of birthday candles on that table. But enough of the table. This is about face plants.
Well, The Boy was very excited about the new table. And since I had moved the chairs out of the way for a while, there was lots of extra room in the kitchen. Well, what else is an open space for than to spin? So The Boy was spinning around, on tile, with socks. I turned just in time to see his feet go out from under him and his face take the brunt of the fall. Oh man, it was awful. For one second, I thought, ok, maybe it's not that bad. But then the crying started. And it's that cry where you KNOW it's not fake. His mouth was very bloody. His upper inner lip was shredded and bloody. I still can't tell if any teeth will be casualties. He told me his bite feels off. I'm hoping it's just from the pain and swelling. But it feels an awful lot like a repeat performance of spring 2005 - when he face planted on asphalt at our Boston church and ended up losing his two top front teeth. And it took surgery at Children's Hospital in Boston to fully extract them.
I dosed him with ibuprofen, iced it and sent him to bed. We'll see if his bite is still off in the morning. If so, we'll be visiting the doctor in stead of helping my parents unpack more. Good times. Good times.
GodTube - Who Knew?
Ok, am I the only one who had no idea GodTube existed? I'm not addicted to YouTube but I've been sent enough links to understand it's general workings. Well, Kristen sent me a link to some one's blog that had this GodTube video embedded. I have to tell you, if almost anyone else had sent it to me, I would have deleted it and kept working. But Kristen rarely sends stuff like that (for which I'm immensely thankful). So I figured I better check it out.
First off, it was a video on GodTube. Yes, I'm a God-person. But I still have a huge cynical streak in me that smirks at God-ish knock offs of anything. So I initially thought, "GodTube? Are you kidding me? Bunch of dorks." Yes, I'm a sweet girl. Secondly, when the video started, it was a movement-oriented skit. No spoken words. Interpretive dance-ish type things done to a cool Christian song. So the second set of rolling eyes. But wait, it came from Kristen so there's got to be something to this. Oh and there IS. The blog said, if you can just make it to the end, they thought I'd think it was worthwhile. Holy freakin' guacamole! It is very worthwhile. Trish said the same thing - if it had been sent by anyone else, she would have trashed it. And she dislikes interpretive dance even more than me! So here is a link (I hate embedding stuff in my blog). And it has rave reviews from Kristen, Trish and ME. I have watched it like 10 times so far. You may all come back and ask me what I'm smoking. But let me tell you, the images keep replaying in my head.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5
More God-Sent Teachers
I mentioned above that I had a long talk with The Boy's teacher today. She called because he had a loose tooth that was bothering him - this is pre-face-plant. It was bothering him to the point of him being upset and he insisted that his mom could probably do something about it. Other than tell him it will be fine, I could not.
After calming The Boy down on the phone, I got back on with his wonderful teacher. She raved about his reading, spelling, logic, math, etc. I tried to explain to her that all of that has very little to do with anything his father or I have done with him at home. It really is just one of his gifts God doled out to him. He is a lazy parent's dream! I don't have to hound him to read his 20 minutes a night. He's usually devouring some book or other anyway. In kindergarten, he used to just read his children's dictionary for fun. If he's into a subject, he'll read any book or anything that even mentions the subject. Currently, it's dinosaurs. But he has read multiple books on Saturn, space, weather, birds, I can't even think of what else. So it's not like I'm can take much more credit than taking him to Barnes & Noble when he begs me to.
Anyway, when she mentioned how upset he was about his loose tooth, I said, well, I never know when something is really bothering him or when it's just a manifestation of his Tourette's. She hasn't had a chance to read through all of the forms on each kid yet so she hadn't known about his TS. She asked me if there was anything special she needed to know or do. I filled her in about how he can fixate on things. I gave her a quick rundown of his diagnosis - Tourette's with co morbid anxiety issues and obsessive compulsive tendencies. We discussed what she might see and how she might handle it. Then, when discussing his off-the-charts smarts, she said, "I'm going to start finding things to challenge [The Boy]." I didn't even have to ask. I love her. Did I mention that?
I have to tell you, I have been so busy with things lately, I hadn't even taken the time to obsessively pray for the perfect teacher for The Boy. Last Thursday, when we were heading to the school to meet The Boy's teachers, I realized this and thought, "Oh no! I didn't pray for the perfect teacher! He'll have some horribly unengaged teacher who doesn't give a crap about kids!" So I quickly asked God to somehow set things straight and please please please give The Boy the perfect teacher for him. See, this is just one of many reasons why I love God. He just totally rocks. I'm sure he hand picked her before I realized I had forgotten to pester him about it in the first place! He knew I'd be asking. I had probably thought about it in one of my half-asleep kind-of-prayer times. And boom! He delivers. Yet again.
She finished our conversation by telling me how she couldn't wait to see how this year went because he's in her class. Could any mother ask for anything more?
When your kid is a genius, you have to measure everything that you casually toss out of your mouth. I don't know why I haven't learned this in the 7+ years I've been a mom. But the point was very calmly made by The Boy at dinner tonight.
I was at Luby's with my parents and kids tonight (kids eat free on Wednesdays - I am officially a dorky mom). A fun dinner out after a long day of unpacking (just chipping the tip of the unpacking iceberg...gack!). I was telling my mom about a long phone conversation I had earlier with The Boy's teacher. I was trying to tell my mom that I had mentioned to the teacher that The Boy had Tourette's. I was trying to tell my mom in a way that didn't insult The Boy since he believes that he doesn't have Tourette's any more. And I'm more than happy to let him believe that because, hey, it's hardly there. Why worry? I think I said something like, "...so I told her that The Boy used to have Tourette's," (insert knowing sly smile which mom understood). I went on to tell mom that the teacher had mentioned that she saw no signs of Tourette's and I was happy about that.
Well, I was all pleased and smug with how clever I had been in telling my mom in such an unoffensive way. Yah. Well, I keep forgetting that The Boy is not ordinary like me. He very calmly informed my mother and me that he would like us to not discuss Tourette's in front of him any more. Because, when we do, it makes him think about it and he feels like his tics want to start.
Doh! So I said, ok...good to know. It's a deal, ok? He was fine with that and went on eating his multi-colored Jello. I felt like a dork. But I also found that some very interesting bit of information. If I just stop mentioning it or pointing it out, would that help? I mean, if the tics are hardly noticeable, am I keeping the symptoms alive by talking about it? I've always wanted to just talk about it like it was no big deal so he would see that it's nothing to be ashamed of and it was just a normal thing to discuss, etc. Best of intentions. Well, we'll see. I will honor his request. And I will continue to ask God to control and eliminate the Tourette's. Here's to praying big!
Face Plants
So when we returned from Luby's, the boys were surprised to find a new kitchen table in our house. It's actually very old. I believe it predates me. And I'm old. But in the fun divorce game I like to call, "who gets what", future ex has gotten our nice (but small) kitchen set. So I got the kitchen table I grew up with. Man, that table has had LOTS of kids lovin' on it. I have colored my fingernails and who knows what else with markers on that table. I have dyed Easter eggs on that table. I have deep fried donuts on that table. I have blown out myriads of birthday candles on that table. But enough of the table. This is about face plants.
Well, The Boy was very excited about the new table. And since I had moved the chairs out of the way for a while, there was lots of extra room in the kitchen. Well, what else is an open space for than to spin? So The Boy was spinning around, on tile, with socks. I turned just in time to see his feet go out from under him and his face take the brunt of the fall. Oh man, it was awful. For one second, I thought, ok, maybe it's not that bad. But then the crying started. And it's that cry where you KNOW it's not fake. His mouth was very bloody. His upper inner lip was shredded and bloody. I still can't tell if any teeth will be casualties. He told me his bite feels off. I'm hoping it's just from the pain and swelling. But it feels an awful lot like a repeat performance of spring 2005 - when he face planted on asphalt at our Boston church and ended up losing his two top front teeth. And it took surgery at Children's Hospital in Boston to fully extract them.
I dosed him with ibuprofen, iced it and sent him to bed. We'll see if his bite is still off in the morning. If so, we'll be visiting the doctor in stead of helping my parents unpack more. Good times. Good times.
GodTube - Who Knew?
Ok, am I the only one who had no idea GodTube existed? I'm not addicted to YouTube but I've been sent enough links to understand it's general workings. Well, Kristen sent me a link to some one's blog that had this GodTube video embedded. I have to tell you, if almost anyone else had sent it to me, I would have deleted it and kept working. But Kristen rarely sends stuff like that (for which I'm immensely thankful). So I figured I better check it out.
First off, it was a video on GodTube. Yes, I'm a God-person. But I still have a huge cynical streak in me that smirks at God-ish knock offs of anything. So I initially thought, "GodTube? Are you kidding me? Bunch of dorks." Yes, I'm a sweet girl. Secondly, when the video started, it was a movement-oriented skit. No spoken words. Interpretive dance-ish type things done to a cool Christian song. So the second set of rolling eyes. But wait, it came from Kristen so there's got to be something to this. Oh and there IS. The blog said, if you can just make it to the end, they thought I'd think it was worthwhile. Holy freakin' guacamole! It is very worthwhile. Trish said the same thing - if it had been sent by anyone else, she would have trashed it. And she dislikes interpretive dance even more than me! So here is a link (I hate embedding stuff in my blog). And it has rave reviews from Kristen, Trish and ME. I have watched it like 10 times so far. You may all come back and ask me what I'm smoking. But let me tell you, the images keep replaying in my head.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5
More God-Sent Teachers
I mentioned above that I had a long talk with The Boy's teacher today. She called because he had a loose tooth that was bothering him - this is pre-face-plant. It was bothering him to the point of him being upset and he insisted that his mom could probably do something about it. Other than tell him it will be fine, I could not.
After calming The Boy down on the phone, I got back on with his wonderful teacher. She raved about his reading, spelling, logic, math, etc. I tried to explain to her that all of that has very little to do with anything his father or I have done with him at home. It really is just one of his gifts God doled out to him. He is a lazy parent's dream! I don't have to hound him to read his 20 minutes a night. He's usually devouring some book or other anyway. In kindergarten, he used to just read his children's dictionary for fun. If he's into a subject, he'll read any book or anything that even mentions the subject. Currently, it's dinosaurs. But he has read multiple books on Saturn, space, weather, birds, I can't even think of what else. So it's not like I'm can take much more credit than taking him to Barnes & Noble when he begs me to.
Anyway, when she mentioned how upset he was about his loose tooth, I said, well, I never know when something is really bothering him or when it's just a manifestation of his Tourette's. She hasn't had a chance to read through all of the forms on each kid yet so she hadn't known about his TS. She asked me if there was anything special she needed to know or do. I filled her in about how he can fixate on things. I gave her a quick rundown of his diagnosis - Tourette's with co morbid anxiety issues and obsessive compulsive tendencies. We discussed what she might see and how she might handle it. Then, when discussing his off-the-charts smarts, she said, "I'm going to start finding things to challenge [The Boy]." I didn't even have to ask. I love her. Did I mention that?
I have to tell you, I have been so busy with things lately, I hadn't even taken the time to obsessively pray for the perfect teacher for The Boy. Last Thursday, when we were heading to the school to meet The Boy's teachers, I realized this and thought, "Oh no! I didn't pray for the perfect teacher! He'll have some horribly unengaged teacher who doesn't give a crap about kids!" So I quickly asked God to somehow set things straight and please please please give The Boy the perfect teacher for him. See, this is just one of many reasons why I love God. He just totally rocks. I'm sure he hand picked her before I realized I had forgotten to pester him about it in the first place! He knew I'd be asking. I had probably thought about it in one of my half-asleep kind-of-prayer times. And boom! He delivers. Yet again.
She finished our conversation by telling me how she couldn't wait to see how this year went because he's in her class. Could any mother ask for anything more?
Monday, August 27, 2007
Moms Just Don't Get It
Today's Tourette's Tidbit - Observation
Today was The Boy's first day of 2nd grade. The shock of realizing I have a 2nd grader could fuel a whole other blog. Something like, "Where the heck did my baby go??!!"
Our town is growing way faster than the highways or schools can keep up with. As a result, our development was rezoned and our elementary kids are going to a different school this year. And only for this year. Next year, we'll have our own elementary school to over fill.
So last Thursday was the Meet & Greet at the school. The Boy and I went to meet his new teacher. I had been wanting to introduce him to the counselor to make sure she knew she had a new Tourette's kid in her school. The introduction would bring him to her attention and make her a known friendly entity to The Boy. So we walk up to the counselor's table and I make introductions. I said something like, "I just wanted you to meet The Boy because he has Tourette's." The Boy - without missing a beat - says, "No I don't." It was an embarrassed denial or anything. It was just a statement of fact. He feels he doesn't have Tourette's any more. Why doesn't his mom get that? I love that. So the counselor keeps right in step with him, looks him in the eye and says, "I bet you don't. But it's great to meet you," and gives me a knowing smile. I love her already. And she's one of about 3 people The Boy remembers from that meet & greet night.
I went ahead and signed a permission form to allow her to talk to The Boy. We went to his classroom, met his teacher - who ROCKS - and some other kids in his class. The Boy went right into make-as-many-friends-in-30-seconds-as-you-can mode. It was awesome. I hadn't been too worried. But you just never know how bouncing around different schools will hit him.
So today, he got on the bus today all excited. No apprehension. No worried look. No tics that I could see. I have no doubt today has been a good school day!
...And in other news...
My parents should be here any minute. They're in my town, stopping for lunch. So they should be ringing the doorbell any minute!!! WOOOO-HOOOOO!!!
I went to bed SO sore last night. I went to their house, sprayed their lawn with stuff to kill the weeds, sprayed their flower beds with anti-fungal stuff, vacuumed their house (extermination left lots of little dead bugs on the floors), swept their front porch....that's about it. And you know, hauling that huge hose around was hard work. But pushing my Dyson around their brand new beautiful plush carpet? THAT killed me. It's brand new fluffy plush gorgeous rug stuff. The vacuum was like, uh, where's that totally stomped down cheapo carpet I'm used to just running right over???
I felt OOOOOOLD when I got home. I dosed up the ibuprofen and got the VIP suite ready for mom & dad. They deserve to be pampered. Dad is almost 80. He should get the master bedroom and bathroom. So I cleaned it up, put on fresh sheets, put out fresh towels, etc. I got all of my junk into my office. I made up the spare twin mattress and had a nice little camp out in my office last night. Fun stuff.
So I can't wait to see my parents. Those poor tired wonderful people. They must be ready to drop. And drop they can. In their newly cleaned VIP suite!
Today was The Boy's first day of 2nd grade. The shock of realizing I have a 2nd grader could fuel a whole other blog. Something like, "Where the heck did my baby go??!!"
Our town is growing way faster than the highways or schools can keep up with. As a result, our development was rezoned and our elementary kids are going to a different school this year. And only for this year. Next year, we'll have our own elementary school to over fill.
So last Thursday was the Meet & Greet at the school. The Boy and I went to meet his new teacher. I had been wanting to introduce him to the counselor to make sure she knew she had a new Tourette's kid in her school. The introduction would bring him to her attention and make her a known friendly entity to The Boy. So we walk up to the counselor's table and I make introductions. I said something like, "I just wanted you to meet The Boy because he has Tourette's." The Boy - without missing a beat - says, "No I don't." It was an embarrassed denial or anything. It was just a statement of fact. He feels he doesn't have Tourette's any more. Why doesn't his mom get that? I love that. So the counselor keeps right in step with him, looks him in the eye and says, "I bet you don't. But it's great to meet you," and gives me a knowing smile. I love her already. And she's one of about 3 people The Boy remembers from that meet & greet night.
I went ahead and signed a permission form to allow her to talk to The Boy. We went to his classroom, met his teacher - who ROCKS - and some other kids in his class. The Boy went right into make-as-many-friends-in-30-seconds-as-you-can mode. It was awesome. I hadn't been too worried. But you just never know how bouncing around different schools will hit him.
So today, he got on the bus today all excited. No apprehension. No worried look. No tics that I could see. I have no doubt today has been a good school day!
...And in other news...
My parents should be here any minute. They're in my town, stopping for lunch. So they should be ringing the doorbell any minute!!! WOOOO-HOOOOO!!!
I went to bed SO sore last night. I went to their house, sprayed their lawn with stuff to kill the weeds, sprayed their flower beds with anti-fungal stuff, vacuumed their house (extermination left lots of little dead bugs on the floors), swept their front porch....that's about it. And you know, hauling that huge hose around was hard work. But pushing my Dyson around their brand new beautiful plush carpet? THAT killed me. It's brand new fluffy plush gorgeous rug stuff. The vacuum was like, uh, where's that totally stomped down cheapo carpet I'm used to just running right over???
I felt OOOOOOLD when I got home. I dosed up the ibuprofen and got the VIP suite ready for mom & dad. They deserve to be pampered. Dad is almost 80. He should get the master bedroom and bathroom. So I cleaned it up, put on fresh sheets, put out fresh towels, etc. I got all of my junk into my office. I made up the spare twin mattress and had a nice little camp out in my office last night. Fun stuff.
So I can't wait to see my parents. Those poor tired wonderful people. They must be ready to drop. And drop they can. In their newly cleaned VIP suite!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
My Baby Cousin Had a Baby!!!
I am late in posting about this. But my baby cousin on my mom's side (ie - she's the youngest of all the cousins in my generation) had her first baby this past week!!!
Please feel free to go and tell Monica how gorgeous her little girl Annie is. And if you want all the details and to see a bursting with pride sister/aunt, you can visit the blog of my other cousin Kendra - Monica's proud big sister and new aunt to little Annie.
So the extended Hawkins clan is now the EXPANDED Hawkins clan!!! WOOOO-HOOOO!!!!
That is all. You may go about your business now.
Please feel free to go and tell Monica how gorgeous her little girl Annie is. And if you want all the details and to see a bursting with pride sister/aunt, you can visit the blog of my other cousin Kendra - Monica's proud big sister and new aunt to little Annie.
So the extended Hawkins clan is now the EXPANDED Hawkins clan!!! WOOOO-HOOOO!!!!
That is all. You may go about your business now.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
More Frivolity - Movie Quote Generator
I love anything that combines movies quotes and my name. Therefore, I love this Movie Quote Generator site. You go there and put your name in the little Word: box to the left. Here is my movie quote for today:
I'm a dork but I love the Marx brothers. They blow the moronic Three Stooges out of the water. So there's my frivolity for today.
I could dance with you 'til the Tourette's Mom come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the Tourette's Mom 'til you came home.
Duck Soup (1933)
(the missing word was 'cows')
(the missing word was 'cows')
I'm a dork but I love the Marx brothers. They blow the moronic Three Stooges out of the water. So there's my frivolity for today.
Today's Tourette's Tidbit
I've been interested in the apparent connection between Tourette's tics and candida. Candida is the yeast that occurs naturally in our bodies. When it gets out of control due to antibiotics, bad American diets or any other cause, it can wreak havoc. I had a problem with it back in the late 90's because of a 30 year regimen of maintenance antibiotics to fight bladder infections (I have 1 kidney so they were trying to avoid infections). When candida becomes out of control, it can actually cause bacterial infections. So in the late 90's, I basically lived with a bladder infection about once a month. I got every bronchial infection that blew through town. I got ever sinus infection, as well. I was sick so often that most of my vacation time was used as sick days.
In 1999, I got help in the form of a great acupuncturist and his staff. They radically changed my nutritional intake (ie - bagged the American sugar-based diet) and gave me 2 to 3 acupuncture treatments a week for about 2 years. It took a while but I lost 25 lbs without changing my exercise habits, I was able to stay antibiotic-free for quite a few years. I stopped getting bladder infections, bronchial infections, sinus infections, stomach bugs, flu, colds. I mean, I would get maybe one malady a year.
When I first started trying to read everything there is on the web about Tourette's, one of the first things I noticed was quite a few articles on how many doctors feel that high levels of candida in the body can increase the severity of tics.
Dr. Bruce Semon has a short article (http://www.candidafree.net/resource_36.htm) that explains how the yeast may affect the chemicals in the brain. One could see how that might exacerbate the tics.
Another nutritional website (http://www.nutrition4health.org/nohanews/NNF06TicsAnd%20Tourettes.htm) mentions how some people have dealt with their family member's Tourette's with alternatives to mainstream western medicine. It mentions candida specifically.
There is one article I can't find that I read last year when The Boy was first diagnosed. It was by a doctor who documented a young man's case of Tourette's. His tics had gotten so severe that it made day to day living and social interaction near impossible. The doctor put him on an anti-candida diet and oral doses of nystatin. I remember reading that his tics were incredibly diminished. If I find that article, I'll put a link here later.
As part of my treatment back in 1999 & 2000, I was put on an anti-candida diet. It was the hardest thing I've ever done - I mean to really do it. You can find it out on the web in many forms but most are pretty similar. It's no processed sugar, no white flour, no fermented products (so there goes alcohol & vinegar - try finding foods without vinegar!), no yeast, no fungus (ie - mushrooms and be wary of foods that naturally have mold). They also took me off any carbonated beverages - no soda, no sparkling water. There's more to it. They put me on a very balanced diet, as well. I can tell you I have never felt healthier than those years I did that diet hard core. But it's hard to do in America.
The Boy was raised on an organic, anti-candida diet pretty hard-core until he was two. After that, he had very little processed sugar. Once he was off antibiotics - around the age of 4, we let him eat what he wanted. But since he was raised on very little sugar and lots of veggies and fruits as treats, he still eats amazingly well to this day. I am wondering if we unwittingly helped keep his Tourette's at bay or kept it less severe. I'd like to hope so.
I'll post more a little later. The boys just got home so I need to go be mommy.
I've been interested in the apparent connection between Tourette's tics and candida. Candida is the yeast that occurs naturally in our bodies. When it gets out of control due to antibiotics, bad American diets or any other cause, it can wreak havoc. I had a problem with it back in the late 90's because of a 30 year regimen of maintenance antibiotics to fight bladder infections (I have 1 kidney so they were trying to avoid infections). When candida becomes out of control, it can actually cause bacterial infections. So in the late 90's, I basically lived with a bladder infection about once a month. I got every bronchial infection that blew through town. I got ever sinus infection, as well. I was sick so often that most of my vacation time was used as sick days.
In 1999, I got help in the form of a great acupuncturist and his staff. They radically changed my nutritional intake (ie - bagged the American sugar-based diet) and gave me 2 to 3 acupuncture treatments a week for about 2 years. It took a while but I lost 25 lbs without changing my exercise habits, I was able to stay antibiotic-free for quite a few years. I stopped getting bladder infections, bronchial infections, sinus infections, stomach bugs, flu, colds. I mean, I would get maybe one malady a year.
When I first started trying to read everything there is on the web about Tourette's, one of the first things I noticed was quite a few articles on how many doctors feel that high levels of candida in the body can increase the severity of tics.
Dr. Bruce Semon has a short article (http://www.candidafree.net/resource_36.htm) that explains how the yeast may affect the chemicals in the brain. One could see how that might exacerbate the tics.
Another nutritional website (http://www.nutrition4health.org/nohanews/NNF06TicsAnd%20Tourettes.htm) mentions how some people have dealt with their family member's Tourette's with alternatives to mainstream western medicine. It mentions candida specifically.
There is one article I can't find that I read last year when The Boy was first diagnosed. It was by a doctor who documented a young man's case of Tourette's. His tics had gotten so severe that it made day to day living and social interaction near impossible. The doctor put him on an anti-candida diet and oral doses of nystatin. I remember reading that his tics were incredibly diminished. If I find that article, I'll put a link here later.
As part of my treatment back in 1999 & 2000, I was put on an anti-candida diet. It was the hardest thing I've ever done - I mean to really do it. You can find it out on the web in many forms but most are pretty similar. It's no processed sugar, no white flour, no fermented products (so there goes alcohol & vinegar - try finding foods without vinegar!), no yeast, no fungus (ie - mushrooms and be wary of foods that naturally have mold). They also took me off any carbonated beverages - no soda, no sparkling water. There's more to it. They put me on a very balanced diet, as well. I can tell you I have never felt healthier than those years I did that diet hard core. But it's hard to do in America.
The Boy was raised on an organic, anti-candida diet pretty hard-core until he was two. After that, he had very little processed sugar. Once he was off antibiotics - around the age of 4, we let him eat what he wanted. But since he was raised on very little sugar and lots of veggies and fruits as treats, he still eats amazingly well to this day. I am wondering if we unwittingly helped keep his Tourette's at bay or kept it less severe. I'd like to hope so.
I'll post more a little later. The boys just got home so I need to go be mommy.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I Heart Picture Phones
I meant to put this on my last post. But forgot. My stylist (The Boy) recently picked out a new phone for me. I heart my new red Samsung M500 picture phone. It's my first picture phone. And I'll take a picture of anything. I'm a newbie. Forgive me.But the best thing about the picture phone is being able to shoot an adorable picture of my kids and send it off to my sister, my boss, their dad, whoever else I might think adores my children. It's a fun thing to get on your phone - totally out of the blue. A fun picture from someone you love.
Here are two pictures I took of the boys at our favorite Luby's restaurant.
Then of course, you get bored in the car while waiting for your son in counseling. And you do things like this:
Frivolity Is Necessary
Today's Tourette's Tidbit (Observation):
The other day, we noticed The Boy doing his Spidey Hands thing that I've mentioned before. It's nothing huge and nothing anyone else would probably even notice. But I'm always curious when an old tic returns. I've been hearing a lot of audible tics lately. Little grunts and short moans. Again, nothing anyone else would even notice. But I'm wondering why after so many weeks of almost nothing. I've been letting him stay home from camp this week. He's good at entertaining himself - reading, computer time, keyboard & singing, TV. But I also wonder if the lack of outside stimulation has anything to do with it. Also, I've recently given him kid's Sudafed a few times - against my own better judgment. It's just so hard to listen to the nasal congestion and discomfort. I've read theories about stimulants really kicking tics in gear. I've even heard the urban legends of how certain meds with stimulants in them cause Tourette's. I'm not a believer in this - but I'm still open to the possibility. I think Tourette's is in your genes or it isn't. Some people have symptoms that are evident and some live never knowing they have it. I think certain stimulants can trigger the beginning of tics. But I'm not going to make my kid suffer if the meds aren't obviously hurting him. It's a tough call. All last year, I gave him nothing with pseudoephedrine because of my concerns of how it might enhance his Tourette's. The kid suffered the WORST sinus congestion and it was horrible. I just can't do that to him again.
Anyway, my rambling here is just to say that I've seen an increase in The Boy's tics and am not sure if it's his boredom or the meds or something else completely.
Frivolity Is Necessary:
We need a little frivolity in our lives. Don't you think? Well, I had to try Simpsonizing myself when I saw JenKneeBee try it! So I went to the SimpsonizeMe site and made myself into a cartoon. Granted, they allow you to select body types that are more true to my girth. But this is frivolity, remember? So in the Simpson's world, I'm slim. Get over it. I also gave myself a nose ring when I actually where a teeny tiny nose stud. But the nose studs looked like zits. I don't need zits in my alternate universe.
The other day, we noticed The Boy doing his Spidey Hands thing that I've mentioned before. It's nothing huge and nothing anyone else would probably even notice. But I'm always curious when an old tic returns. I've been hearing a lot of audible tics lately. Little grunts and short moans. Again, nothing anyone else would even notice. But I'm wondering why after so many weeks of almost nothing. I've been letting him stay home from camp this week. He's good at entertaining himself - reading, computer time, keyboard & singing, TV. But I also wonder if the lack of outside stimulation has anything to do with it. Also, I've recently given him kid's Sudafed a few times - against my own better judgment. It's just so hard to listen to the nasal congestion and discomfort. I've read theories about stimulants really kicking tics in gear. I've even heard the urban legends of how certain meds with stimulants in them cause Tourette's. I'm not a believer in this - but I'm still open to the possibility. I think Tourette's is in your genes or it isn't. Some people have symptoms that are evident and some live never knowing they have it. I think certain stimulants can trigger the beginning of tics. But I'm not going to make my kid suffer if the meds aren't obviously hurting him. It's a tough call. All last year, I gave him nothing with pseudoephedrine because of my concerns of how it might enhance his Tourette's. The kid suffered the WORST sinus congestion and it was horrible. I just can't do that to him again.
Anyway, my rambling here is just to say that I've seen an increase in The Boy's tics and am not sure if it's his boredom or the meds or something else completely.
Frivolity Is Necessary:
We need a little frivolity in our lives. Don't you think? Well, I had to try Simpsonizing myself when I saw JenKneeBee try it! So I went to the SimpsonizeMe site and made myself into a cartoon. Granted, they allow you to select body types that are more true to my girth. But this is frivolity, remember? So in the Simpson's world, I'm slim. Get over it. I also gave myself a nose ring when I actually where a teeny tiny nose stud. But the nose studs looked like zits. I don't need zits in my alternate universe.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Quick Update: No More Keck
Don't have time for a long post. Lil Bro stayed home with me today and did fine. Ate normally and was energetic. Makes me wonder what he picked up at the many public outings he attends. Also reminds me that both my boys have less than stellar immune systems. Need to get those multi-vitamins going consistently.
My sister-in-law's mother died early this morning. It is sad to lose someone so long connected to their lives. But it's a case of God's mercy to finally take her home. She has suffered horribly for many many years. We are glad she isn't in pain any more. I know God is taking care of my sister-in-law and my nieces & nephew right now.
Must.....sleep....
My sister-in-law's mother died early this morning. It is sad to lose someone so long connected to their lives. But it's a case of God's mercy to finally take her home. She has suffered horribly for many many years. We are glad she isn't in pain any more. I know God is taking care of my sister-in-law and my nieces & nephew right now.
Must.....sleep....
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Counseling and Keck
Today's Tourette's Tidbit - Observations
Today, The Boy went to his play therapist. We love his therapist. ML rocks. He's a Christian counselor who, I believe, specializes in children's play therapy. The Boy actually gets very upset if we have to miss sessions with him.
Today, ML verified that he feels The Boy is making all sorts of progress (this was noted by his psychiatrist a couple of weeks back). His social interactions are within normal parameters - that's according to the non-scientific mom here. I mean, the few things I'm aware of are things you would see with other children who have never been diagnosed with anything more severe than a cold.
The thing I'm excited about is, ML feels I am a candidate for filial play therapy. According to aHealth.com, "Filial therapy is an alternative method for treating emotionally disturbed children in which the parent is used as an ally in the therapeutic process." ML explained that he would train me. He warned me it is exhausting and takes dedication and lots of energy. I guess it can be very difficult for the parent to learn to do play therapy because you have to detach yourself from the parental role. As the parent, you'll want to direct, analyze, question, etc. The whole point of non-directive play therapy is to allow the child to do pretty much anything in play in order to express their emotions through the objects with which they are most familiar and comfortable - toys. ML has explained enough to me so that I know that seemingly simple play actions can carry all sorts of messages, red flags, or emotions that the children don't even know they're having. It really is amazing.
ML said that he can't suggest this to every parent. A potential candidate parent must be a very present parent. This made me laugh inside because, lately, with how wrapped up I've been in my own stupid problems, I haven't felt very present for The Boy or Lil Bro. But thankfully, ML sees beyond my immediate situation and knows that I would do anything for these boys. The added benefit is, if I learn how to do this, I can also do it with Lil Bro. I haven't gotten Lil Bro into therapy because A) I've been assuming (and praying) that he doesn't need it and B) I don't have the money to put 2 boys in therapy every week. I am counting on God to minimize the risk here.
So I'm going to try to get into the next series of classes ML will offer. I love thinking I might be able to participate in The Boy's therapy. It's very hard to send them behind closed doors where you can only know little tidbits. It's a hard trust to have.
...And now on to the Keck part...
I just got a kick out of the word "keck". I was looking up synonyms for "vomit". That one caught my eye. It really describes more of a nausea or attempt at throwing up rather than actual vomiting. But what a fun word!
Just a fun little bit of my day:
Lil Bro went to day care today as normal. I heard no reports of anything odd when we picked him up. He was energetic and playful. When his father dropped him off (he was with daddy while I took The Boy to counseling), he asked for pancakes. The Boy made himself a sandwich so I mixed up some pancakes for the wee little man. As I was about to flip the 4th one, I went to the couch to ask Lil Bro if he wanted jelly on them. He informed me he didn't want them. What?! I just made them for you (slaving to pour the mix & water into a bowl and cooking four whole pancakes!!!). His answer was, "But I have a cough." Right. Note to self: If you have a cough, evidently you are not able to eat pancakes. I said, [Lil Bro], you can eat pancakes if you have a cough (in my "you silly boy" voice). At that, he decided to demonstrate. So he gives a coupe of the fakest little coughs I've ever heard - hand up to his mouth. And then it began. The Font Du Vomit. I mean, it was just SURPRISE! Puke everywhere - all over him, all over the couch! I grabbed him, ran to the small bathroom, placed him in front of the toilet and let it run its course.
Honestly, I have to tell you, I have NO idea how all that came out of him FIT in him in the first place. Have you ever seen the cherry pit vomit scene in The Witches of Eastwick? It's just what came to mind. Or any Saturday Night Live fake vomit scene I've ever seen. It just looked fake. Like a giant hose was attached to the side of his face and I just couldn't see it. It was amazing. The stuff of movies. I wouldn't have believed it had I not been standing there trying to not wretch myself. Oh the smell. Gah! The poor little guy took it like a pro. I have held the hair of much wimpier puking adults, let me tell you. He would just stand there, gasping for breath and then turn his face back to the toilet and GRAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! Then he'd stand straight and gulp a few more breaths. The poor kid had it coming out of his NOSE. Aren't you all just loving my descriptive nature right about now?
Now, as I stood there watching my puke covered toddler, thinking about the puddle soaking in to my nice micro-fiber couch, knowing I needed to strip the soaked clothes from him once he was done and get him into a bath...that whole "I really hate being a single mom" feeling crept in. Future ex had just left for a walk around our development (his hotel isn't in a good walking area). I could probably catch him and make him live up to all of those promises of "Look, if one of the kids starts throwing up in the middle of the night - I don't care what time - you call me and I'll be there." Ok superman. Put your money where the puke is. So I called his cell. No answer. A few choice swears. Run back to check on puking toddler. Tell puking toddler to stay in the bathroom even though Sponge Bob is still on the TV. Call future ex again - no answer. Run stick a note saying "I need help! Don't leave!!!" on his windshield and curse the volume on his MP3 player.
Well, I peeled the soaked clothes off Lil Bro. I got him into a bath - crying the whole time. I washed him. I dressed him. I rinsed the puke off his clothes and got them in the washer. I was just starting on the couch and then the hero shows up. Yah, thanks for the help, bud. But it was nice to have another helping hand there. He distracted Lil Bro. Comforted him. He helped me clean the couch. He went and got me food (I wasn't cooking after all of that).
So that was my night. I am thanking God for Febreze. And I am thanking him for allowing Lil Bro to hold down ice water and very watered down juice. He had been sitting on the couch, all pale, watching Sponge Bob. I was at the computer and he was talking to me and just stopped. I turned around to find him face down on the couch - sound asleep. I have prayed for a full night's sleep for all of us.
Keck. Ha ha ha! That just makes me giggle.
Today, The Boy went to his play therapist. We love his therapist. ML rocks. He's a Christian counselor who, I believe, specializes in children's play therapy. The Boy actually gets very upset if we have to miss sessions with him.
Today, ML verified that he feels The Boy is making all sorts of progress (this was noted by his psychiatrist a couple of weeks back). His social interactions are within normal parameters - that's according to the non-scientific mom here. I mean, the few things I'm aware of are things you would see with other children who have never been diagnosed with anything more severe than a cold.
The thing I'm excited about is, ML feels I am a candidate for filial play therapy. According to aHealth.com, "Filial therapy is an alternative method for treating emotionally disturbed children in which the parent is used as an ally in the therapeutic process." ML explained that he would train me. He warned me it is exhausting and takes dedication and lots of energy. I guess it can be very difficult for the parent to learn to do play therapy because you have to detach yourself from the parental role. As the parent, you'll want to direct, analyze, question, etc. The whole point of non-directive play therapy is to allow the child to do pretty much anything in play in order to express their emotions through the objects with which they are most familiar and comfortable - toys. ML has explained enough to me so that I know that seemingly simple play actions can carry all sorts of messages, red flags, or emotions that the children don't even know they're having. It really is amazing.
ML said that he can't suggest this to every parent. A potential candidate parent must be a very present parent. This made me laugh inside because, lately, with how wrapped up I've been in my own stupid problems, I haven't felt very present for The Boy or Lil Bro. But thankfully, ML sees beyond my immediate situation and knows that I would do anything for these boys. The added benefit is, if I learn how to do this, I can also do it with Lil Bro. I haven't gotten Lil Bro into therapy because A) I've been assuming (and praying) that he doesn't need it and B) I don't have the money to put 2 boys in therapy every week. I am counting on God to minimize the risk here.
So I'm going to try to get into the next series of classes ML will offer. I love thinking I might be able to participate in The Boy's therapy. It's very hard to send them behind closed doors where you can only know little tidbits. It's a hard trust to have.
...And now on to the Keck part...
I just got a kick out of the word "keck". I was looking up synonyms for "vomit". That one caught my eye. It really describes more of a nausea or attempt at throwing up rather than actual vomiting. But what a fun word!
Just a fun little bit of my day:
Lil Bro went to day care today as normal. I heard no reports of anything odd when we picked him up. He was energetic and playful. When his father dropped him off (he was with daddy while I took The Boy to counseling), he asked for pancakes. The Boy made himself a sandwich so I mixed up some pancakes for the wee little man. As I was about to flip the 4th one, I went to the couch to ask Lil Bro if he wanted jelly on them. He informed me he didn't want them. What?! I just made them for you (slaving to pour the mix & water into a bowl and cooking four whole pancakes!!!). His answer was, "But I have a cough." Right. Note to self: If you have a cough, evidently you are not able to eat pancakes. I said, [Lil Bro], you can eat pancakes if you have a cough (in my "you silly boy" voice). At that, he decided to demonstrate. So he gives a coupe of the fakest little coughs I've ever heard - hand up to his mouth. And then it began. The Font Du Vomit. I mean, it was just SURPRISE! Puke everywhere - all over him, all over the couch! I grabbed him, ran to the small bathroom, placed him in front of the toilet and let it run its course.
Honestly, I have to tell you, I have NO idea how all that came out of him FIT in him in the first place. Have you ever seen the cherry pit vomit scene in The Witches of Eastwick? It's just what came to mind. Or any Saturday Night Live fake vomit scene I've ever seen. It just looked fake. Like a giant hose was attached to the side of his face and I just couldn't see it. It was amazing. The stuff of movies. I wouldn't have believed it had I not been standing there trying to not wretch myself. Oh the smell. Gah! The poor little guy took it like a pro. I have held the hair of much wimpier puking adults, let me tell you. He would just stand there, gasping for breath and then turn his face back to the toilet and GRAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! Then he'd stand straight and gulp a few more breaths. The poor kid had it coming out of his NOSE. Aren't you all just loving my descriptive nature right about now?
Now, as I stood there watching my puke covered toddler, thinking about the puddle soaking in to my nice micro-fiber couch, knowing I needed to strip the soaked clothes from him once he was done and get him into a bath...that whole "I really hate being a single mom" feeling crept in. Future ex had just left for a walk around our development (his hotel isn't in a good walking area). I could probably catch him and make him live up to all of those promises of "Look, if one of the kids starts throwing up in the middle of the night - I don't care what time - you call me and I'll be there." Ok superman. Put your money where the puke is. So I called his cell. No answer. A few choice swears. Run back to check on puking toddler. Tell puking toddler to stay in the bathroom even though Sponge Bob is still on the TV. Call future ex again - no answer. Run stick a note saying "I need help! Don't leave!!!" on his windshield and curse the volume on his MP3 player.
Well, I peeled the soaked clothes off Lil Bro. I got him into a bath - crying the whole time. I washed him. I dressed him. I rinsed the puke off his clothes and got them in the washer. I was just starting on the couch and then the hero shows up. Yah, thanks for the help, bud. But it was nice to have another helping hand there. He distracted Lil Bro. Comforted him. He helped me clean the couch. He went and got me food (I wasn't cooking after all of that).
So that was my night. I am thanking God for Febreze. And I am thanking him for allowing Lil Bro to hold down ice water and very watered down juice. He had been sitting on the couch, all pale, watching Sponge Bob. I was at the computer and he was talking to me and just stopped. I turned around to find him face down on the couch - sound asleep. I have prayed for a full night's sleep for all of us.
Keck. Ha ha ha! That just makes me giggle.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Another Fun Meme - This One Has Pictures!
Todays Tourette's Tidbit (paraphrased from the TSA website's page on Living With TS)
Symptom Substitution. This is one strategy a person can use if they currently have a tic that they fear might offend, distract or bring unwanted attention. By talking to a doctor or therapist who knows TS well, they can learn how to do this (basically, it involves finding an alternative behavior that satisfies the same urge). For example: say a person has a nose-picking tic—there might be something else they could do with their finger when that urge comes on. With a bit of practice, they can avoid causing offense, even though it might not be possible to stop ticcing altogether.
This is something The Boy's psychiatrist mentioned back when we first received his diagnosis. If his tics get to a point where they bother him, bother those around him, etc, we can work with a play therapist. I believe she said it would be cognitive behavioral therapy. One of the things this therapist would do with The Boy is help him recognize the urges that preceed a tic. If he can feel the urge, he might be able to substitute a more socially acceptable tic. The example she gave me is, if he feels he's about to flail an arm, he might be able to just do his Spidey Hands thing (mentioned in one of my first posts) under the table. It makes total sense and I've heard of successful cases. I keep praying that we never have to deal with this. But as The Boy gets older, our reality may change.
Another fun meme from Stacy, via Sarakastic & Jenkneebee:
This one is fun. The idea is that you take five pictures from http://www.says-it.com/ & create a story out of them. I'm not so sure I got a story but I think you'll find an emerging theme...
Mine begins with a public service announcement that I totally wish really existed
In her divorce-hazed grief, Tourette's Mom finds encouragement from God
So she cut a single with her backup singers Matt Damon, Johnny Depp and Clive Owen
It became a number one hit for weeks - dethroning even Chris Daughtry! Concert sales went through the roof.
Here's a picture from the concert at the Vatican
Symptom Substitution. This is one strategy a person can use if they currently have a tic that they fear might offend, distract or bring unwanted attention. By talking to a doctor or therapist who knows TS well, they can learn how to do this (basically, it involves finding an alternative behavior that satisfies the same urge). For example: say a person has a nose-picking tic—there might be something else they could do with their finger when that urge comes on. With a bit of practice, they can avoid causing offense, even though it might not be possible to stop ticcing altogether.
This is something The Boy's psychiatrist mentioned back when we first received his diagnosis. If his tics get to a point where they bother him, bother those around him, etc, we can work with a play therapist. I believe she said it would be cognitive behavioral therapy. One of the things this therapist would do with The Boy is help him recognize the urges that preceed a tic. If he can feel the urge, he might be able to substitute a more socially acceptable tic. The example she gave me is, if he feels he's about to flail an arm, he might be able to just do his Spidey Hands thing (mentioned in one of my first posts) under the table. It makes total sense and I've heard of successful cases. I keep praying that we never have to deal with this. But as The Boy gets older, our reality may change.
Another fun meme from Stacy, via Sarakastic & Jenkneebee:
This one is fun. The idea is that you take five pictures from http://www.says-it.com/ & create a story out of them. I'm not so sure I got a story but I think you'll find an emerging theme...
Mine begins with a public service announcement that I totally wish really existed
In her divorce-hazed grief, Tourette's Mom finds encouragement from God
So she cut a single with her backup singers Matt Damon, Johnny Depp and Clive Owen
It became a number one hit for weeks - dethroning even Chris Daughtry! Concert sales went through the roof.
Here's a picture from the concert at the Vatican
The Start of Daily TS Tidbits and Other Random Thoughts
I've been annoyed how life has derailed my original intent of this blog. Although, I do have to say that I'm extremely lucky so far in that The Boy has not had Tourette's symptoms or tics that would actually give me much to write about on a daily basis. So yah, thank you God. I'll take it!
But in the interest of imparting information, I've decided to have my daily Tourette's fact or observation. Well, maybe not daily. But each time I post, I'm going to put a fact or observation about Tourette's first. Then I'll move on to whatever minutiae is on my mind at the moment.
Most of my facts will probably come from the virtual cornucopia of information that is the Tourette's Syndrome Association (http://www.tsa-usa.org/). They have been my main source of one-stop-shopping info. But I will also delve out into the webosphere in search of other information.
Today's Tourette's Tidbit (from the TSA site's Fact Sheet page):
Is obscene language (coprolalia) a typical symptom of TS? Definitely not. The fact is that cursing, uttering obscenities, and ethnic slurs are manifested by fewer than 15% of people with TS. Too often, however, the media seize upon this symptom for its sensational effect.
I found this one most interesting. I think those of us who are ignorant about TS (and I would say I was in that group until my son was diagnosed) think of this symptom first when we hear the word "Tourette's". I know that many movies and sitcoms make references to this. I know I've seen comedians burst out with a swear and then joke, "Oh sorry...I have Tourette's!" to big laughs. And I was one of the ones laughing. How funny that it's one of the less common symptoms of Tourette's.
The few people I've encountered with coprolalia didn't yell out swears. One pre-teen would just yell out random words that just weren't appropriate. Not in the politically correct sense. But in the, hey, that doesn't belong there sense. One kid would yell out "Metal!" or "Coffee!" So the whole swearing thing is a rarity. And I often wonder how the mind decides which random words to pick. I imagine it has a lot to do with your environment and experience. Although I have nothing to back that up. Just a hunch.
Now on to more stuff that doesn't matter...
I didn't post for quite a while because I was just too angry. And I'm really sick and tired of hearing and reading my own anger. I'm sure anyone just popping by here is, too. So I'll just Readers' Digest it here for you: Future ex spent a long time with his friends and then with his girlfriend. I got mad. I got raving lunatic mad. I had a nice little emotional meltdown. He got back in town this past Saturday. He's trying to be "helpful" by taking the boys out and such. It's so lovely to have someone take your kids so you can actually have time to....DO HOUSEWORK. Yah. Good times.
But I'm doing much better. God is much more powerful than my own anger. I sang at church on Sunday again. I love singing backups. Harmonies are my favorite. But every single song just spoke to me so powerfully so I was having one of those singing times where I was doing everything in my power not to start crying. I am not a pretty crier. I am not a dainty crier. I can't stand there singing with a single tear rolling down my cheek so that everyone just goes, "Awwww..." and weeps. No, my face scrunches up in the most horrific display. It's impossible to sing in tune when I get like this. So, as a service to my church and humanity in general, I stood there singing and silently praying, "Help me keep it together God! Pull me together!!!" And he did. I was able to truly worship and sing my butt off. One of my friends came up afterwards and said, "You were ROCKIN' that worship, girl!" Which meant she appreciated my sincerity of worship. Not that I was jumping around and crowd surfing.
That's about all I have. I'm not very creative today. And I must go pick up the wee one from day care. The Boy is having one on one time with his daddy. So I must go distract the wee one.
But in the interest of imparting information, I've decided to have my daily Tourette's fact or observation. Well, maybe not daily. But each time I post, I'm going to put a fact or observation about Tourette's first. Then I'll move on to whatever minutiae is on my mind at the moment.
Most of my facts will probably come from the virtual cornucopia of information that is the Tourette's Syndrome Association (http://www.tsa-usa.org/). They have been my main source of one-stop-shopping info. But I will also delve out into the webosphere in search of other information.
Today's Tourette's Tidbit (from the TSA site's Fact Sheet page):
Is obscene language (coprolalia) a typical symptom of TS? Definitely not. The fact is that cursing, uttering obscenities, and ethnic slurs are manifested by fewer than 15% of people with TS. Too often, however, the media seize upon this symptom for its sensational effect.
I found this one most interesting. I think those of us who are ignorant about TS (and I would say I was in that group until my son was diagnosed) think of this symptom first when we hear the word "Tourette's". I know that many movies and sitcoms make references to this. I know I've seen comedians burst out with a swear and then joke, "Oh sorry...I have Tourette's!" to big laughs. And I was one of the ones laughing. How funny that it's one of the less common symptoms of Tourette's.
The few people I've encountered with coprolalia didn't yell out swears. One pre-teen would just yell out random words that just weren't appropriate. Not in the politically correct sense. But in the, hey, that doesn't belong there sense. One kid would yell out "Metal!" or "Coffee!" So the whole swearing thing is a rarity. And I often wonder how the mind decides which random words to pick. I imagine it has a lot to do with your environment and experience. Although I have nothing to back that up. Just a hunch.
Now on to more stuff that doesn't matter...
I didn't post for quite a while because I was just too angry. And I'm really sick and tired of hearing and reading my own anger. I'm sure anyone just popping by here is, too. So I'll just Readers' Digest it here for you: Future ex spent a long time with his friends and then with his girlfriend. I got mad. I got raving lunatic mad. I had a nice little emotional meltdown. He got back in town this past Saturday. He's trying to be "helpful" by taking the boys out and such. It's so lovely to have someone take your kids so you can actually have time to....DO HOUSEWORK. Yah. Good times.
But I'm doing much better. God is much more powerful than my own anger. I sang at church on Sunday again. I love singing backups. Harmonies are my favorite. But every single song just spoke to me so powerfully so I was having one of those singing times where I was doing everything in my power not to start crying. I am not a pretty crier. I am not a dainty crier. I can't stand there singing with a single tear rolling down my cheek so that everyone just goes, "Awwww..." and weeps. No, my face scrunches up in the most horrific display. It's impossible to sing in tune when I get like this. So, as a service to my church and humanity in general, I stood there singing and silently praying, "Help me keep it together God! Pull me together!!!" And he did. I was able to truly worship and sing my butt off. One of my friends came up afterwards and said, "You were ROCKIN' that worship, girl!" Which meant she appreciated my sincerity of worship. Not that I was jumping around and crowd surfing.
That's about all I have. I'm not very creative today. And I must go pick up the wee one from day care. The Boy is having one on one time with his daddy. So I must go distract the wee one.
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