I'm Human. So Sue me.

Funny thing about those giant fluorescent pink blinking neon signs....

If you turn away from them and cup your hands around your eyes, you can just almost make the blinking pink light disappear. Then you can pretend that you might have been mistaken about the giant fluorescent pink blinking neon sign you just saw. Or maybe imagined.

So I did this on Saturday and Sunday when my future ex came back to Texas. But yesterday, God gave a friend of mine a dream (and he gives her some SERIOUS dreams). It clearly pointed back to the giant fluorescent pink blinking neon sign and that it was real. And last night, God gave me dreams to remind me of all the poopy things future ex has done.

So now I think God has surrounded me with giant blinking neon signs. And because he knows I appreciate such a thing, he gave me one in each fluorescent color. So it's informative AND pleasing to the eye.

I'll tell you the dream: my friend came to my door. When I answered the door, the house was pristine and sparkling clean. She said it was just beautiful and amazing and I kept telling her how my mom had cleaned it. She didn't want to come in because it was so beautiful and perfect. Then she saw future ex walking into another house - not mine. She didn't know what it all meant but thought my mom would.

My mom said that the house is my house or my spiritual existence. It was separate from him and it was clean - fresh - renewed. She said that is just exactly what she thought when she heard the dream. I believe the dream & my mom's interpretation are from God.

I'm cleaning house, ladies.

Great Big Neon Signs From God

Ever since Trish has met me, I've been saying how I want signs from God like giant trucks with words on them that answer my question. Or a giant blinking neon sign pointing to one thing rather than the other. God has always been much more subtle in my life. I think it's because he wants me to take the time to stop, ask and then LISTEN. Anyone who knows me knows that I'd much rather write or talk than listen!

So when you are thinking you must dissolve your marriage, and you don't want to, and you still love the guy, and you're willing to put up with almost incomprehensible amounts of pain and lies to keep your family together...you really need that great big neon sign from God.

This last week, God plopped the great big neon sign in front of me. I looked at it and went, "Hmmm...I wonder if that's the neon sign from God." So the next day, God made the neon sign fluorescent pink. I still wondered. So the next day, God turned the sign ON. I still hesitated. Last night, God made the giant fluorescent pink neon sign flash off and on until I was almost blinded.

Today I have no doubt. Today I act with confidence, knowing that God isn't being subtle. God gave me my great big neon sign.

(Sigh)

Guh.

Yesterday I gave the ultimatum. Choose. Stop stringing me along.

Today he needed more time. Couldn't decide. So I'm deciding for him. I'm done being dragged over shattered glass. I deserve better. I have waited, worked, prayed, changed....long enough. I'm done.

He will be served.

(sigh)

It Ain't No Ladder

I have to be careful what I post about my marriage here. For one, my genius son might read it. And for two, lawyers will use anything against you. Isn't it a lovely world we live in?

So yesterday, my counselor (formerly my marriage counselor but now my solo-counselor) informed me that the stages of grief aren't like a ladder. People list them off like you're supposed to go, "Ok, I'm done with shock. On to denial. Ok, done with denial, on to anger." And that you have to hit them in order or you aren't grieving properly. She said it's more like a swing. You're gonna be all over the place - hitting one then the other, swinging back to one, swinging over to yet another. There is no set pattern. There are no rules. You're allowed to waffle. You're allowed to not know what the hell you're doing.

The only rule is - you HAVE to let yourself feel whatever one you're in at the moment. You have to find a way to afford your feeling it, owning it and letting it go.

Mom is letting me feel whatever I need to feel. She listens, she talks, she shares, she cries. She cares for my boys while I try to work. She vacuumed yesterday. She's giving my boys some semblance of normalcy. Oh the bliss of ignorance, eh?

So the stages of grief: they ain't no ladder. No rules. Just feel them. Thank you all for your kind words. I read every one of them. And I have asked God to bless every single one of you for your faithful love - especially those who have never even met me. You all rock.

Love you...

Major Detour

So, as you can see, we will most likely be derailed from the blog's initial purpose for a while. I imagine there will be quite a bit to post about The Boy and Lil Bro in the coming weeks. But thanks for baring with all of the tangents and digressions.

The future-ex was dropped at the airport today. He's going to stay w/ his sister for a week in order to give me a cooling off period. It will allow me to get through the nastier and initial emotions of the whole mess. In the mean time, I meet w/ counselors and lawyers. I have to hunt down a child psychologist to help me formulate what we'll tell the kids.

My Mom is coming today. Can't wait. Big Sis will pick her up and bring her up. The Ridiculously Tall Brother-In-Law will be here, too, along with their dog Sid (as in Vicious - a joke because he's so cute and sweet). So I will be surrounded by people who know how to value me.

For some reason, this quote from The Ten Commandments has been running through my head today. Moses is saying this to his former love, Nefretiri:
"The man stupid enough to use you as a footstool isn't wise enough to rule Egypt."
It gives me a little giggle when I think of it in my current context.

I actually got on here not to kvetch and be petty. But to share with you something my beautiful cousin Kendra sent me last night. It made me cry - in a nice way.

“For your Maker is your husband – the LORD ALMIGHTY is his name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit – a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will NOT BE SHAKEN nor MY COVENANT of peace be removed", says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 53:5,6,10

God is being very faithful to me right now. I am in a constant state of having to ask him to remove painful thoughts or spiteful thinking from my mind, to stop the flood of weeping that threatens to overwhelm when I need to function for my boys, to just dull the pain that is so real and palpable, to just get me through each moment. AA didn't quite have it exactly right - it's really every second at a time.

Mom To The Rescue

Whenever I see this logo at the start of a movie, I always say, "Hi Mom!" because she looks like a young My Mom.

My Mom is flying in tomorrow. She is coming in to do what all moms do - protect her baby.

My future-ex is leaving for a week tomorrow. We can't be under the same roof. Not after all of the horrible lies that were exposed this week. This whole thing even leaves his sister in absolute disbelief. So he will leave, mom will come, I will purge emotions. The hope is, by the time he returns, I will be past the raw emotions enough to be able to work with him on what to tell the kids.

In the mean time, I may be crushed but not unable to move forward and plan the protection of my beautiful boys and me.

My hope is in God. God is the one that values me like the precious gem I am. He is sending me rescue in huge numbers. And don't think I discount the comments you all leave me here or the emails you send me off-blog. I may be numb and not commenting as much now. But you guys have moved me to tears lately with the amazing love you have poured out on me - me who only a few of you actually have met!

I can't wait to show you all to My Mom.

Easily Distracted

We went to a school function at The Boy's school today. We got there early so had a chance to chat with his teacher. I asked if he had been doing any of the hand or foot touching but she hasn't seen it. What she has seen, however, is that he is so easily distracted that it is detracting from his work. When most kids have finished assignments, he's still at it.

Might sound like a typical 6 yr old. But I know what she means. He has a horrible time focusing lately. Homework tasks that I know can take him a few minutes can drag on for 20-30 minutes just because every little thing around him has to be touched, commented on, played with, used in an impromptu story, whatever. Even at bed time, when I pray with him, sometimes he doesn't even remember I've just prayed. He's so fidgety or just moving his head from side to side on the pillow.

It all reminds me of the ADD or ADHD type of symptoms that can accompany TS. But it also reminds me that, if we sit him at the kitchen table that has toys, markers, objects of interest other than his homework - well, he's going to look at them. If we try to have him do homework in the same room with Lil' Bro - he will get distracted by Lil' Bro.

It also has all appeared right now when his parents are in the middle of marriage hell. He doesn't have to hear the big fights. He's smart enough to pick up on body language or tiny little snitty tones. Somewhere inside him, The Boy knows something is up. And it's not good.

I am vacillating between paralyzing fear and absolute resolve. The paralyzing fear comes when The Boy says something like, "Hey mom, this summer, can we make a play date with so-and-so?" and I think...uh...doubt it because you'll be in day care for the first time in your life. I start thinking about how I'll be able to get him from the bus stop in the afternoon if I'm on a critical conference call. I wonder how the hell I'll be able to do business travel with two small boys - who will take care of them? Right before this all exploded, I said yes to a new position within my company. It could require a bit more travel. So now what? How do my kids go from having 100% of two parents to having more like 50% of one parent at a time?

Based on the last two days of "conversation" hubby and I have had, The Boy's pretty little world is about to get rocky. I have no idea how he or Lil' Bro will take it. And I don't know if and how it might manifest in relation to his TS. And someone please tell me how a totally emotionally destroyed mom is supposed to muster the ability to help him through it.

Ugh

This...is not a good week. Today, my marriage exploded. Hubby explained he would like to be my ex-Hubby. And sooner, rather than later. The details are horrible - too stupid and predictable even for a made-for-Lifetime movie. I am living some kind of sick cliche.

I am going to bed now to pray to God for a miracle. I have no idea what that miracle might look like. But I'm asking for it. I sure wouldn't mind if you want to throw a prayer up for me, too. But more especially for the boys. Oh my poor sweet boys.

Gah.

Prayers for Virginia Tech

Even those of us that live under rocks heard about the horrors at Virginia Tech today. Hubby and I had a rough night and morning today. But when he came into my office and told me to look at the story, it put things in a rather blunt perspective.

My Niece goes to VTech. She is an incredible girl and I never tell her that. I couldn't get my brother (her dad) on the phone. I couldn't get my other sister on the phone. My parents (who summer in Roanoke) were at a wedding in upstate New York. I called my mom as my dad spoke to my brother on the other cell phone. My niece is alive and fine. I found her online later and IM'd her. I started crying as I typed how much I love her and how I can't believe I don't tell her that all the time and would have died if anything had happened to her. She told me that she had jumped in her car and high-tailed it to her off-campus apartment.

I have thanked God quite a lot today.

My Niece is a beautiful, thoughtful, godly woman. While she sat there glued to her TV and laptop (much like most of us older folks did on 9/11), her first thoughts were to ask me to pray for all of the families. Done! I sent an email to my pastor and his wife as soon as I heard. Let the prayer chains begin.

These families - I can't even imagine. My fractured marriage seems a small slice of heaven right now. We are all whole and safe.

Please join me - in whatever way you might - to pray for the families of the kids that were killed in the prime of their youth. Please pray for the other students who made it and will deal with survival guilt, shock and anxiety - to name just a few. Please pray for the staff members who will have to deal with the aftermath and insecurity and probably survivor guilt as well.

Roanoke is a beautiful sleepy little city. It is the seat of some of God's purest beauty. This will be something that will shake that whole community. Pray that God can use his people in that area to offer whatever can be offered.

Thank you God for covering My Niece with your protection. Be with all of the families that have lost someone today. Give them the comfort that only You can give. Oh God, I just sent my heart out to them. Fill them with your Holy Spirit and help them however they each need.

Updates on My Boyz and Clear Skin

Yes, I realize you're all dying to know the status of my skin. After a few days of pounding tons of water and slowly reintroducing SMALL amounts of sugary-lardy-cakey treats to my body, my skin has accepted its fate and has returned to its normal 41 yr old state. The only blemishes are actually the remnants of my shingles - those two cold sore type things on my lower lip. They're still faintly there. I think I'll take those in stead of the pimple-fest I just endured.

On to updates on my beautiful boys. I'll start with The Boy.

The Boy informs me that he still has the sensation in his hands and feet where he needs to touch things. I assume he is controlling it because I don't see him doing it much and have had no reports from the teacher. I always try to talk to him about it to make sure he's controlling it but without repressing anything. I always worry he's "controlling" these tics but the emotional toll is building up. I don't think so. The Boy is very demonstrative. He'll tell you what's going on in his head or he'll explode. Either way, we know what's going on.

Last night was Friday and that means he gets to stay up late. I think I took it a bit too late. You know how kids can get over tired and then it's hard for them to sleep. So last night, there were lots of tears at bed time over not having a bath. He had wanted a bubble bath and I had promised him one all day. But when we got home, we were in the middle of a huge lightening storm. I explained the dangers of bathing during a lightening storm (and this was a doozie!) but when you have your heart set on a bubble bath in your mom's huge garden tub, it's a bit of a let down. Add to that being over tired. Add to that the backward binocular small vision thing. Add to that allergies. He was an emotional mess - not to be consoled. So he ended up hanging out in my bed with me, watching the local news coverage of the severe thunderstorm we were having. We had the lights out and shades open so we got a really cool light show along with the news coverage. He finally got droopy enough to be carried to bed and fall asleep.

Other than that, he's doing well. School is easy for him and he informs me that homework is boring. Yah, just wait until physics and calculus, kiddo.

Lil Bro had an interesting day the other day. And by "interesting", I mean awful. And by "had", I mean was subject to by his psychotic parents. I'll tell you about it to A) hold myself somewhat accountable for being stupid and B) to show you that Lil Bro can put things in perspective even at the age of 3.

As I've mentioned before, Hubby and I are in the midst of a marriage...what...well, it was a full on crisis in January. It is now a roller coaster of emotion and anger that comes with two people full of pain and resentments that are trying to save a marriage for the sake of their kids. That's a gross understatement and generalization. But without boring you all to tears with the stupid details, let's just say it can be ok one day and an all out suck-fest the next.

So the other day, we were in suck-fest land. Hubby and I were attempting to communicate on some painful subjects - full of resentments on both sides. We are far from perfect people. And as such, we didn't follow any of the rules for communicating and arguing that our counselor has set for us. And I'll go so far as to say we didn't even TRY or think of the rules. We were in attack mode. It was great fun (NOT). I was trying hard to use the rules - to speak calmly and not attacking. I wasn't doing so hot with my tepid attempt. So each of us got worse and worse until I finally BLEW. And I mean BLEW. I recall shrieking things at the top of my lungs. I recall throwing my office chair across the room. I recall shoving Hubby out of my way on my way to run out of the house. And all of this was while Lil Bro was watching TV downstairs.

I love my house. It's a gorgeous house. But soundproof it ain't. So Lil Bro heard everything. And I don't think the language was the problem. It was the tone (ie - shriek) and then seeing his mom trying to run away. Oh if ever there is a low point of mothering, that was definitely one of my lowest.

Long story not so short: we got a grip. We calmed down and actually talked things out. While we were in this calm discussion, Lil Bro peeks around the doorway with this look like he's waiting for more office furniture to come careening around the corner. I called him in, pulled him onto my lap and he just smashed up against me. It was an amazing attempt at comfort and for him to feel safe. I felt like...worse than human excrement. I told him I was sorry for screaming. I asked if it had scared him and he nodded. Yah, worse than excrement. I told him that sometimes grown ups get angry and we don't react well. I shouldn't have screamed and I was so sorry for scaring him. It had nothing to do with him, etc. Honestly, I don't think my words did anything to undo anything.

Later that day, the family was together in the car. Hubby had gotten out of the car to run in somewhere. Lil Bro suddenly asked, "Mommy, is daddy your friend?" It took a couple times of asking for me to understand fully. But it almost made me cry. I said, yes, he's actually my BEST friend. I'm sure this made no sense to him after what he had seen that day. But it's true. I told Hubby about this later and he nearly cried.

That day, Hubby and I agreed that can never happen again. And not just on my part. He's had his male equivalent of those times. But we cannot risk damaging the beautiful little spirits entrusted to us by God. I did a lot of praying and apologizing to God for that day.

Gah. Those days suck. I hate them. I wish God would just POOF! us back to being ok. But obviously we are going to have to walk through this crap a bit longer before he fixes us. And I believe he will fix us to be better than we were before. He has to. We haven't been too good for a long while. But chose to just not deal with it - to deal would have been too hard. Oh if I could just go back a few years and change a few things! But I can't.

Thank you God for being here with my family and for protecting my boys from everything in this world - especially the shortcomings of their own parents.

(Sigh)

There you have it.

An Aside: Skin Like A 14 Yr Old

You know how I mentioned that I had sampled some sugar after my 40 day fasting from said evil? Yah. Well, I'm 41 and now my face looks more like I'm 14. I blame last night's Dr. Pepper and the tiramisu. And the samples of my homemade lemonade I had earlier. And society. I blame society. Don't know why. I just do. I'm sure they're responsible for this break out as sure as they're responsible for those kid's CDs with kids singing "popular" songs - with lyrics completely inappropriate for their age. (You can all thank the TV right next to me for that last bit.)

After hearing my whiney lament, hubby stated, "'Acne goes away'! Ha! That's the biggest lie they ever tell you when you're young." I wouldn't go as far as calling it "acne". But I get his point.

File this one under "Tourette's Mom needs to get a grip on her vanity."

An Aside: TRISH IS BACK!!!

Yeah! My favorite blogger is back from her 40 Days of Faith! Make sure you all go over to say welcome back to Trish.

And on a funny note: yesterday I, too, finished my 40 days of faith. I had fasted from sweets and soda. So yeterday I had a tiny bit of both. Today? I feel sick. Like I gorged on it. Which I didn't. But I think my body is trying to say, hey, stick to the fast, fatso! HA!

Sleep Walking

Happy Easter everyone. I'm sitting here with Mickey on the TV, the boys sitting at the kitchen table eating their breakfast and the contents of their Easter baskets strewn around the floor. They don't eat much candy (even when offered) so they each only have one chocolate bunny (small). The rest are little stuffed bunnies, a stuffed Peep bunny, Lightening McQueen PJs, a Mickey t-shirt, a polka-dotted plastic duck, Care Bears, die-cast Cars cars and glow-in-the-dark Silly Putty. Our Easter bunny knows how to pack a fun basket. And with the huge outlet mall within walking distance, he doesn't spend a lot, either! Yeah frugal bunny!

So about this title. Last night, I put the boys to bed and was in my office (also upstairs) reading all your blogs. Hubby was out on his walk and then doing some late night grocery shopping. After about an hour and a half, I heard The Boy kind of crying. I turned and saw him heading down stairs (to find me). I ran out and called to him. He kept going and I had to follow him halfway down the stairs. When I finally got him to see me, I had to repeat about 12 times that I was up here and he should come up. He finally came up. But I have to tell you, he was totally freaked out. I mean, anxious and scared. Like hand-wringing, face screwed up and whimpering (not full on crying). I kept asking over and over what was wrong (incorrectly assuming he was awake). During his upset time, he said, "I was scared of the animals upstairs!" We were upstairs. So I asked, "You mean your stuffed animals?" (he has tons of them in his room). No answer. I think he finally started waking up at this point. I kept holding him and saying, "Look at me. Can you see me? I'm here and you're awake. I'm real and you're safe, ok?" Things like that. He started crying for real once he was fully awake. He still couldn't tell me what was wrong. So he sat on my lap on the floor of my office while I just held him and repeated reassurances over and over. Finally, when he was calmer (and this was about 20 mins after it all started), he told me that he had that feeling where he has dots in his eyes. I don't get this feeling. I'm not sure what it means but he's told me about the dots in his eyes before. There seems to be some kind of dots that appear in his vision - he can see them. I don't know if they're points of light or actual dots - are they dark or are they colored? I don't know. All I know is, when he sees them, it makes him very uncomfortable. I have no idea if this is related to the backward binocular shrunken vision he gets. I wish I understood it like the binocular thing. I like being able to say, oh yah, that happened to me when I was a kid and it goes away. But he told me he thinks he had that feeling he gets with the dots. I still don't know what happened to him. But man, he was so upset it just totally creeped me out. But I put on my totally secure mommy act and calmed him down.

So after calming down a bit, The Boy was ready to get back into bed. He asked me to come into his room and pray to God about it. Oh yah, I was already all over that!. I went in and called God - asking him to come to us right there. I told him that The Boy was scared and I didn't totally understand it but I knew God did. Every night at bed time, I bind any bad dreams in Jesus' name and command them to leave our house. I do the same with "any spirit that isn't God." So I prayed both of those bindings again. And then I asked the Holy Spirit to come and fill our house so completely that there would be no room for anything else that might bother or scare The Boy. While I was praying all of this, I had my left hand on The Boy's head and was rubbing his forehead. And my right hand was on his tummy. While I was praying all of this, it was like a totally relaxing peace just came over The Boy. He relaxed and the rigidity left him. He started smiling. He closed his eyes and was asleep before I even finished.

I love that God will come when you ask him for help. I love that God loves The Boy so much that he'll come and help him with something that might seem so trivial given the world's problems. I love my God that wants to give us all good things and gave my beautiful boy such peace so quickly.

Thank you God.

Praise Report!

Go over to my cousin Kendra's site to celebrate on some really cool news. Don't try to tell ME prayer doesn't work! Wooo-hooo!!!

And feel free to go to my other cousin Monica's site (Kendra's baby sis) to congratulate her!

An Aside - My Needs...

I read a really fun thing over on Stacy's and Ellesappelle's sites. Stacy actually tagged me so I'm taking it!

Need to set priorities? Need to narrow things down into what you really need? Google can help you! Just put in your first name and the word "needs" and hit search. Google will put it all in perspective for you.
[Note: I spent my life lamenting that you could never find L.y.n.e.t.t.e referenced in modern pop culture or on mugs, t-shirts, bracelets, etc. With the start of Desperate Housewives, L.y.n.e.t.t.e has become a household name. So most of my hits come from comments about the character, L.y.n.e.t.t.e Scavo. Which made it rather fun because she's a total nut job like every L.y.n.e.t.t.e I've ever met!]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to put him in a nursing home or something.
[Don't worry dad, this is about a husband, not you!]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to drive now.
[...ok...?]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs a reliable babysitter.
[Oh honey, you ain't just whistling Dixie!]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to return to her no-nonsense child rearing.
[...much to my kids' dismay...]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs a Knight of the Round Table (preferably Lancelot) to rescue her sister.
[My sister will be shocked to hear it. As will her hubby!]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs pure oxygen periodically throughout the day and night.
[You know, this idea isn't half bad. I'd probably wake up much less crabby!]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to bash that psycho ladie's head in.
[I was just saying this to a coworker...and the person that posted this needs spell checker.]



L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs drugs! Really badly!
[...and by "drugs" I do hope they mean CHOCOLATE!]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to stop teaching people lessons.
[Hmmm...humorous yet strangely poignant. I must think on this one.]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs her crack.
[Don't even go there.]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs a quick and easy 'glam' makeover.
[There would be nothing "quick" nor "easy" about such a makeover. I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. Does that count?]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to grow a frakking spine.
[Ok, I'm gonna digress here. First, I have a spine. Ask my husband. But I really can't stand people who try to use silly alien swear words from Battlestar Galactica as if it's real English. It's not cool. It's not hip. I love the show - dearly. But even I think you're a total dork for attempting to use this in your every day language. I don't care if it has made its way onto Wikipedia. We're on Earth. We're Americans. We speak the king's broken English. We don't say "frakking" unless we're joking. Please join the rest of us in some semblance of reality. And my tangent is done.]


L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs some help.
[Talk about the understatement of the century!]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs a new Lexus.
[I'd settle for a fully loaded Accord. But sure, I'll take one.]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to go to the dreaded grocery store.
[Dreaded? Did something happen at my local HEB superstore? Have my friends behind the deli counter had enough of people asking for multiple "samples" just to get a free meal? Have they taken the store hostage? Has there been horrible accident in the scrap booking section? Did they run out of die-cast models from the movie Cars? Oh what has happened to my wonderful grocery store?!]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e really needs to go out to get some drinks with a few old friends.
[And by "drinks" we mean Dr. Pepper or Coke. I gave it up until Easter and, dude, I'm totally Jonesin'!]


L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to stop acting like a mug.
[I love this because it resurrects the phrase "mug". How did we lose this adjective? Can't you just hear James Cagney saying something like, "Why you dirty mug!" I refuse to stop acting like a mug solely for the chance to be referred to as a "mug"! BRING BACK THE MUG! I must get out more.]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to put on a good show.
[Every day, my friends. Every day.]

L.y.n.e.t.t.e needs to work.
[Good point. My lunch hour is almost over.]


Stacy already tagged Sarakastic. So I'll tag Beck and anyone else that wants to take it. I'd love to see all your results!

Hands and Feet

Well here's an interesting one. For me, anyway.

Tonight, I was getting The Boy ready for bed. As I knelt in his room waiting to put on his PJs, he told me, "All day today, my hands and feet felt like they just had to touch different things." Hmmm. Like what? Can you show me? "Well like this..." The Boy proceeded to curl his toes and then touched the tips (almost the tops) of his toes to the ground. Then likewise with the other foot. Hmmm, says I. Then he walked around his room about 3 times just dragging the tops of his feet like that. Well, what about your hands? Do they feel like touching something? "Not right now. But earlier, my palms had a different thing." Then he touched one palm to the ladder of his bed and then the other. Hmmm (I'm very eloquent in these moments). Then he rubbed his palms together for a bit, rubbed them against each hip and that seemed to be it.

I told The Boy that those actions seemed to be a very normal kind of tic for TS. I hoped to encourage him with that statement but in stead he said, "Oh! This will NEVER go away!!!" I felt so bad because it truly upset him. And in my head I'm thinking how much worse it could be and how thankful I am that the tic is so mellow. So I told him, well, did this happen at school? "Not really," which usually means he felt like it but controlled it. So I told him, hey, it seems like you'll be able to control this. And I reminded him that the TS went away for my brother (who had TS really really horribly from about the age of 5 to about 13). And by "went away" I mean that he was able to control it and has functioned as a contributing member of society, complete with jobs (good ones, too), marriage, kids, etc.

To me, this seems to be the first...I guess I'd call it "physical" tic I've seen from him. Most of them are noises. Clicks, grunts, little noises. Oh, I guess the Spidey Hands would be the first physical one.

The interesting thing about this one is, this time the fear didn't overwhelm me like in the past. Last year, any new tic reminded me that this thing could just blow the roof off of The Boy's life at any moment. I felt like we have a smoking volcano. But lately, God's been showing me that he's got my back. And the collective back of my family. So I felt the fear try to raise it's head and I just thought to myself, "Nope. God's got it. He's got The Boy. He's gonna get The Boy through it."

I did email his teacher about it. She always offers to watch for things if we need her to (have I told you that she totally rocks?). Also, I know that touching other people is a very common tic for TS people. I just wanted her to know in case he reaches over and presses a palm against a classmate - that she knows this is happening. Most likely, he'll totally have it under control at school. But I want his teacher on his side - just in case.

Backwards Binoculars

Last night, The Boy had trouble going to sleep. I think it was more related to being a six year old who would rather stay up late than anything to do with TS. But other TS factors ended up playing a part.

Lately, we've been having a problem with The Boy going to bed and then coming downstairs for various things: I need more water, I heard a noise, the TV is too loud, I forgot to tell you something, etc. I'm sure you all know the typical list of delays. So we've been asking him to really really try to stay in bed unless he really really needs something. So I think this is where the anxiety reared its head. He knows we're going to be frustrated when he comes down so he comes down already worried that we're going to be mad. So last night, the 2nd and 3rd time he came down, he came down almost in tears, apologizing for coming down. He ended up very upset, apologizing, crying. That doesn't help - I mean, if you start getting all upset and crying, you won't be able to go to sleep. And it's hard to be the perfectly patient parent. I know it's a small thing in life but just ONE night, I would love to be able to sit down with hubby and finish a conversation or TV show or movie with no interruption. Last night, I was having anger issues to start with. So every time he came down, I just wanted to scream at him to just go to bed and stay there! But he doesn't deserve my stupidity so I stayed silent and forced hubby to deal with him.

The third (or fourth - can't recall) time that he came down, however, he said something that I understood. And this is the second time in the last month or so that he's said this. He said, "Things are looking small again." I said, "Does it look like you're looking through binoculars backwards?" to which he answered yes. If you haven't experienced this, I don't know how else to describe it. This very disconcerting feeling used to happen to me pretty frequently when I was young - probably around 6 or so like he is. You would look around your room and it would look like you were looking through binoculars backwards. But sometimes, it would be accompanied by things looking abnormally large. But not everything. Like, everything would look small and far away but if I brought my hand up before my face, the hand looked disproportionately large. Anyone remember those lyrics from Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' where he says, "my hands felt just like two balloons"? I've always thought those lyrics were talking about this weird feeling. Anyway, it was one of those times I could at least tell The Boy that I knew what he meant - it had happened to me. But I couldn't tell him why or how to get rid of the feeling. I remember it kind of bothering me at times. Other times it outright scared me. Sometimes it was related to illness, fever, medicine. However, most times I recall it happening, I was fine. So I felt bad having to tell him that there was nothing he could do.

I really do wonder what causes that. And are The Boy and I the only ones who have had this? I can't imagine we are. Wish I could figure it out.

Greetings From the Puke Patrol

Puke: Parental Badge of Honor. Usually an annual event. Usually ends up being an entire family bonding event. Gack.

Today, Lil Bro is sitting on the couch under a blanket with a big white bucket next to him. He is almost as pale as said bucket. The Boy is at school which will hopefully keep him from catching whatever this is. Lil Bro has been fevery ever since returning home from church on Sunday. But today the puking started. I'm hoping it's just today and it's contained to just him. I will make a very selfish statement here: I do not want the pukey bug. I am on the tail end of shingles and am still exhausted, whiney and cranky from THAT lovely little illness. I do NOT want to be puking. So I am here, resolutely stating that I refuse to get the pukey bug. REFUSE, I tell you!

On the TS tic front, things have been mellow. But this morning, as I was laying on the couch waiting for The Boy to finish his breakfast, I heard "Hmm...hmm...hmm," coming from the breakfast table. It was a short punctation of a "hmm" that sounds like when you're listening to someone and you're saying "Hmm" in stead of, "Really." It was about every 5-10 seconds. Nothing horrible. Nothing socially damaging. Just interesting that this just started right when we thought he was virtually tic-free.

April Fools

This is a few months old. But it's a good picture of a bunch of April fools.

[L to R: Smuckers Jelly, Hubby, Tourette's Mom & Lil Bro]